Week 40, Day 277 - "Dayhawks"

“Dayhawks”

Written by Joe Janes

10/22/09

277 of 365

Cast

Bernie, 40s

Len, 30s

(Lights up on a diner. Len is behind the counter cleaning shelves we cannot see. Bernie, in a dark suit and hat, enters. He walks with a slight limp. Len keeps his eye on him. Bernie keeps his eye on a spot outside the diner. He takes a seat at the counter, again, without looking at Len. He knocks on the counter. Len produces a cup of coffee. Bernie grabs it and takes a sip while his attention is still outside on something across the street. Bernie puts the mug back on the counter and taps again. Len produces a small decanter of cream and a sugar dispenser. Bernie points out the window until Len gets the hint and looks out. Bernie quickly adds cream and sugar to his coffee and takes another sip.)

BERNIE

Okay.

(Bernie goes back to looking out as Len goes back to looking at Bernie.)

LEN

I don’t even know what I’m watching.

BERNIE

Did you see anything at all?

LEN

No.

BERNIE

You did good.

(Len grabs a menu from under the counter and sets it in front of Bernie.)

BERNIE (continuing)

I ain’t hungry.

LEN

Burger and fries, then?

BERNIE

I ain’t hungry. I ate before I came.

LEN

What kind of jackass eats before coming to a diner?

(Len takes the menu back and walks off stage for a moment. Bernie keeps looking out. Bernie sees something. He takes out a small notepad and jots something down.)

LEN (re-enters)

What did I miss? The pope ride by on a unicycle?

BERNIE

Just doing my job.

LEN

Yeah. That’s what you’ve said every day this week. I wonder what the police think about your job.

BERNIE

I’m a dick.

LEN

No kidding.

BERNIE

My job is to keep an eye on that office across the street. There’s a secretary who works there who may or may not have loose bloomers. Her husband wants me to find out.

LEN

You think her bloomers are loose?

BERNIE

The way she’s built, ain’t nothing loose on that ship. But I think her boss may be swabbing her decks.

LEN

The brunette with the caboose.

BERNIE

That’s the one.

LEN

She walks by the window and I have to stop whatever I’m doing. Be a shame if that train only had one rider.

BERNIE

I like her better as a ship.

LEN

You’re the pro.

BERNIE

She ever come in here?

LEN

A dame like that? Never. If she came in here, I’d remove the stool she sat on, take it home, get it drunk and make love to it. (Bernie) What?

BERNIE

Stick to trains.

LEN

You gonna sit there all day and only drink one cup of coffee?

BERNIE

I’m here until she’s not there. Have to earn my fifty bucks a day.

LEN

How can you drink coffee all day and never get and go to the bathroom?

BERNIE

Thank Hitler.

LEN

I’d rather not.

BERNIE

Caught some shrapnel from a kraut grenade in a very bad place. I fight the Nazis and get thanked with the ability to pee through a rubber tube into a small bottle strapped to my leg.

LEN

You sit there and pee right there at my counter?

BERNIE

Any time I like.

LEN

You peeing right now?

BERNIE

Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. (He smiles at Len and quite possibly is relieving himself while doing it. Len looks away and can see the woman.)

LEN

Hey, Niagra. It’s dreamboat.

(Bernie sees her, too, and takes out his notebook, again. Len exits.) There she is, again. Filing. Filing very slowly. Very, very slowly.

(Bernie continues to watch and scribble. He stops. She has apparently moved away. He puts the notebook back in his jacket and sips more coffee. Len returns with a plate, a hamburger and fries. He sets it down in front of Bernie.)

BERNIE (continuing)

What’s this?

LEN

Just doing my job.

(Len sets down the bill. Steps back and crosses his arms. Bernie goes back to watching the office as he taps on the counter. Len produces a bottle of ketchup and salt and pepper. Bernie points. Len takes over being lookout as Bernie dresses his food. Lights fade.)

Week 22, day 148 - "Tracer"

“Tracer”
Written by Joe Janes
6/15/09
148 of 365

CAST:
Eric, 40s
Vandemeer, 40s


(Lights up on Eric standing alone in a parking garage. He hears a car in the distance. He hears a car door. He hears distant footsteps. He hears someone clearing their throat.)

ERIC

Is someone there?

(He hears stronger throat clearing and then Vandemeer walks out of the shadows in a trench coat and fedora, sucking on a milkshake.)

VANDEMEER

Yeah, kid. Sorry. Feeling a little phlegmy. Gotta cut down on these milkshakes.

ERIC

Did you find Melissa, Mr. Vandemeer?

VANDEMEER

Maybe.

ERIC

What do you mean “maybe”?

VANDEMEER

I mean maybe when I say maybe. I’ll walk if you don’t like how I do business, Eric.

ERIC

I’m sorry. It’s just, three in the morning in this parking garage. I feel like I’m doing something against the law.

VANDEMEER

Are you?

ERIC

I don’t think so. Are you?

VANDEMEER

You want the information or not?

ERIC

Yes, of course, I do. I just didn’t expect all this cloak and dagger stuff.

VANDEMEER

You try to find somebody who maybe don’t want to be found, you get the cloak and dagger stuff. Comes with the territory. Plus, these are my regular office hours. I get this space for free at night.

ERIC

Melissa doesn’t want to be found?

VANDEMEER

Look, kid. Let me give you some advice. You’re trying to find a girl you had a thing with a long, long time ago.

ERIC

I just want to see if she’s okay.

VANDEMEER

All right, then. She’s okay. We’re done here.

ERIC

Well, you have to tell me more than that. I paid you two thousand dollars to find her for me. How do I know you’re not just ripping me off?

VANDEMEER

She lives in Toledo with her third husband, Carl Busby.

ERIC

Melissa Busby?

VANDEMEER

Her kids are all in college or vocational school. She makes money as a nurse-for-hire. Eats more yogurt than any woman should. She likes the ponies.

ERIC

She’s always liked ponies.

VANDEMEER

Now she bets on them.

ERIC

I want to see her.

VANDEMEER

Here’s her number.

(He hands him a slip of paper.)

ERIC

Finally, a phone number.

VANDEMEER

Look, kid. Do yourself a favor. Throw that slip of paper away.

ERIC

I haven’t seen her in twenty years.

VANDEMEER

Exactly why you should file it in the trash bin. Things will never be the way they were with her. She was your sweetheart a long time ago. She’s changed. You’ve changed. You can’t reheat that hormone casserole.

ERIC

I don’t expect to. She was important to me. I wouldn’t be who I am now if she hadn’t pushed me in the right direction. I owe her. I want to thank her.

VANDEMEER

That’s what you say to help you get to sleep at night. But I know and you know you hope there’s a spark there that hasn’t gone out. Maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t. If it has, you’ll be broken hearted all over again. If it hasn’t, you’ll ruin her life and hate yourself for it. Leave it alone. Walk away. She’s doing okay. That’s all you wanted to know, that’s all you need to know. Am I getting through that bone beret you’re wearing?

ERIC

Yeah. I hear you. Thanks, Mr. Vandemeer.

VANDEMEER

If you want your two grand back –

ERIC

No, no. You did your job.

VANDEMEER

Good. I already spent it. I have some car wash coupons I could give you, though.

ERIC

That’s okay. I think I’ve got my money’s worth.

VANDEMEER

Throw that slip of pulp and ink in the can.

ERIC

I will.

VANDEMEER

If you like the job I did, tell your friends. Word of mouth is the best form of advertising. And the only one I can afford.

(Vandemeer nods, sips on his milkshake, and retreats into the shadows. Eric looks at the number, crumples it up. Think better of it and uncrumples it. He dials. We hear him dial and we hear the phone ring and pick up.)

VANDEMEER (VO)

Thank you for calling Vandemeer Car Wash and Detective Agency, if you’d like to leave a message-

(Eric hangs up.)

ERIC

Fuck!

(Blackout)