Written by Joe Janes
7/8/09
171 of 365
CAST:
Farmer Brown, 50s
Sherman, 12
Various cows
(Lights up on Farmer Brown sitting on his front porch rocking in his chair. Sherman, a small boy, approaches him.)
SHERMAN
Hi, Farmer Brown!FARMER BROWN
Well, hello there, Sherman. SHERMAN
Guess what we learned about in school today?FARMER BROWN
How to make a taco?SHERMAN
Nope.FARMER BROWN
How to count to 3,472?SHERMAN
Nope.FARMER BROWN
I know, I know. How to make a bomb out of fertilizer.SHERMAN
Maybe I should just tell you.FARMER BROWN
That’s a good idea.SHERMAN
We learned all about dairy farms, like yours.FARMER BROWN
Like mine?SHERMAN
Just like yours.FARMER BROWN
What did they tell you?SHERMAN
They said cows live on farms. During the day, they graze on grass in open fields and at night sleep on beds of hay in barns, like that one.FARMER BROWN
That? That’s just for show. I rent it out for parties and tourists like to have their picture taken in front of it. The cattle’s all in that building over there.SHERMAN
That windowless metal shed?FARMER BROWN
I still call it a barn. What else did the teacher tell you?SHERMAN
Well, she said that whenever you need milk for your family, you just grab a bucket and milk one of the cows.FARMER BROWN
Ha! Shows how much your teacher knows. (puts his finger to the side of his nose) A dealer doesn’t sample his own stuff. (wink) Want to visit them cows? See what it’s really like?SHERMAN
You bet I do.FARMER BROWN
Right this way, Sherman!(They walk across the stage. Farmer Brown takes out keys and undoes a series of locks on a door.)
SHERMAN
Gosh, Farmer Brown, why so many locks?FARMER BROWN
Cows are money, Sherman. Your parents ever teach you to lock up your valuables?SHERMAN
Just my bike.FARMER BROWN
Well, multiply the value of your bike by a million.SHERMAN
Would if I could.FARMER BROWN
And that’s the value of my cows.(Farmer Brown opens the door, but before they go in…)
FARMER BROWN
Now, Sherman, you’re about to see a special place. A place many little boys never get to see. Are you ready?SHERMAN
More than ever, Farmer Brown!FARMER BROWN
Then enter and be amazed by Farmer Brown’s Real Barn.(They enter and see basically a large, plumpy pile of live cows. About a dozen. Stacked on another in something like a cow pyramid. Off to the side in the corner is one lone cow standing on a milk crate with a black garbage bag over his head and his upper legs spread out holding wires.)
SHERMAN
Wow! There’s so many of them in such a small space.FARMER BROWN
I told you it was amazing.SHERMAN
There must be a dozen cows there.FARMER BROWN
Oh, way more. Hundreds more. This is just the tip of the bovine pyramid. See, there’s a hole in the floor.SHERMAN
Why are they stacked like this?FARMER BROWN
Makes it easier to store them and feed them. SHERMAN
Can I feed them?FARMER BROWN
Nope. It’s all done by machines. Twice a day, they get hosed down with nutrient-laced water. And once a day, they’re sprinkled with a mixture of ground up corn, newspaper, Valium and animal remnants.SHERMAN
Animal remnants?FARMER BROWN
Whatever’s left of a cow that we can’t sell. You know, the stuff they won’t even put in a hot dog. Nothing goes to waste around here.SHERMAN (pointing to cow standing in corner)
Did that cow do something bad?FARMER BROWN
Yes, he did, Sherman. He was born a male. See, we need pregnant female cows to produce a lot of milk. SHERMAN
Don’t you need boy cows to make the girl cows pregnant?FARMER BROWN
Not in this day and age. We use other methods, such as artificial insemination. SHERMAN
Artificial insemination?FARMER BROWN
That’s where I make the girl cow pregnant. (Sherman and Farmer Brown stare at each other for a moment. Sherman clearly is getting a disturbing image in his mind.) …With science!SHERMAN
Oh, science!FARMER BROWN
He has to stand there for a month and then we’ll turn him into veal. It’s his own fault, really.SHERMAN
Dumb cow.FARMER BROWN
You’re a smart boy, Sherman. Have a lollipop!(Farmer Brown gives Sherman a lollipop, which he eagerly accepts and unwraps.)
SHERMAN
Thanks, Farmer Brown.FARMER BROWN
Let me get a picture of you with my brownie and you can show it to your teacher.(Farmer Brown takes a small instant camera out of his pocket.)
SHERMAN
That would be great.FARMER BROWN
Stand right next to the cow pile.SHERMAN
Like this!(He smiles and points at the cows with the lollipop in his mouth, just like that pic from Abu Ghraib.)
FARMER BROWN
Say, “Cheeese!”(Sherman says “cheese!” as the cows “moo” pathetically. Farmer Brown snaps the shot. Blackout.)
