Written by Joe Janes
141 of 365
Hooga Booga Guy, VO
(Lights up on Tom sitting on his couch watching a comedy show on TV. He looks bummed.)
BOSS (VO)When I left, this storage room was clean and organized. Now, it’s a mess. What do you have to say for yourself, Hooga?
HOOGA BOOGA GUY (VO)Hooga booga!
(The is a huge laugh track burst of laughter. Tom clicks off the TV.)
TOMMan, I could write that!
SHECKY (rising from behind the couch)That’s right, Tom. You could!
TOMWho are you?
SHECKYI’m Shecky “Shecky” Greenberg. President of The International Comedy Writing Institute of America.”
TOMThe International Comedy Writing Institute of America?
SHECKYThat’s right. Where you can learn how to create stock comedy characters with overused catchphrases for cash, just like the professionals.
TOMI could have a career as a comedy writer!
SHECKYLet’s see, Tom. Take the International Comedy Writing Institute’s patented comedy writing aptitude test.
(Stage right we cut to a customer and his bowl of soup flanked by a waiter.)
CUSTOMERWaiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?
SHECKYSee if you can pick the right punchline, Tom. Is it A-?
WAITERHumping a crouton.
WAITERHe’s probably a member of a certain ethnic group (winks).
(The waiter winces and we hear a fart.)
WAITEROh, my. I am so sorry, sir. Let me take that and get you a new one. The management will pick up your bill.
(The waiter takes the soup and exits.)
SHECKYIf you picked any answer other than “D” – you might have what it takes to be a comedy writer.
TOMOoh, I have the right punchline…. The backstroke!
SHECKYThat would be stealing, Tom.
SHECKYI’m just kidding. At the International Comedy Writing Institute of America we don’t call it stealing, we call it heightening.
TOMWill I learn how to write stand-up comedy?
SHECKYOf course you will. And you’ll learn how to write for all kinds of comedians, like Yakov Smirnoff.
(Cut to stage right with Stand-Up at a microphone.)
STAND-UPIn Russia, the walls in my apartment were so thin, whenever I went to the bathroom, my neighbor would ask me to wash his back. What a country!
SHECKYOr Dane Cook.
STAND-UPThe walls in my apartment are so thin, whenever I go to the bathroom, my neighbor asks me to jerk him off. What the fuck?
(Stand-up victoriously drops microphone and exits.)
TOMCan I get a job with Saturday Night Live, like the professionals?
SHECKYYou bet you can, Shecky. At the ICWIA, we’ll teach you how to create one-note characters, beat a comic premise to death, and how to end scenes by simply cutting to a commercial. Don’t just watch comedy on TV; learn to deeply despise it while simultaneously craving its love.
TOMI’m sold! The International Comedy Writing Institute of America is for me, Shecky. Where do I sign up?
SHECKYJust call the number on the screen.
SHECKYOperators are standing by.