Written by Joe Janes
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Dr. Patel, 40s
(Lights up on Garrett and Glenda, a middle-aged couple, holding hands in a hospital room, looking concerned. Derek lays in a hospital bed asleep. Dr. Patel enters.)
DR. PATELWell, Garrett, we have the test results. You are a perfect match for your brother. We can schedule the kidney transplant for this coming weekend.
GLENDAThat is great news.
GARRETTI’m so glad my baby brother doesn’t have to worry about this any more.
DR. PATELThis is a relatively simple procedure, very common. And you’re in good health. There shouldn’t be any complications. Do you have any questions?
GARRETTJus one. How much?
DR. PATELWell, your brother’s insurance should cover most of the procedure.
GARRETTRight, right. How much to me?
DR. PATELI’m not sure what you are asking.
GARRETTGlenda here got $8,000 for giving up some of her eggs. I only have two kidneys. Giving up one of them has to bring in a good chunk of change.
DR. PATELGarrett, I –
GLENDAPretty straightforward question, Doc. What’s the going rate on a healthy kidney?
DR. PATEL (closes the hospital room door)What you are talking about is against the law.
GARRETTSo is smoking pot, but we all do it.
DR. PATELI have a prescription.
GARRETI didn’t mean you, but I think you know what I’m getting at.
DR. PATELLet me repeat, it is against the law to sell or otherwise receive gifts for donating an organ. We could get into a lot of trouble here.
GLENDABet Derek will think otherwise.
(She shakes him.)
DR. PATELWe should really let him rest.
GLENDADerek! Derek! Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.
DEREKHunh…Whuh? Um. Oh. Hi, Doc. What’s the good news?
GLENDAThe good news is that your big brother is a perfect match for a kidney for you, Derek.
DEREKOh… What does he want?
DR. PATELDerek, as I was telling Glenda and Garrett, paying for a kidney is against the law.
DEREKOh, I know. I know. And I know my brother. What does he want?
DR. PATELI have to put my foot down on this. This is unethical. You’re saving his life.
GARRETTWhich ought to be worth something, don’t you think? Keeps him kicking around another 40-50 years.
DR. PATELAny payment is not going to come from the hospital or from the insurance company. You understand that, don’t you?
GARRETTWell, baby brother, what do you think? Did you still want to take that cruise to Cozy-mell this summer or are you not going to be around for it?
DR. PATELThis is blackmail.
GARRETTCall it what you like, I call it doing business, Doc.
DEREKWhat do you want, Garrett?
GLENDATell him, honey.
GARRETTWe want your house.
DEREKMy house? Where am I going to live?
GARRETTHey, I’m not heartless. You can have our RV. We won’t need it anymore.
DEREKThat mold-infested flea trap? You’re saving me from one coffin and putting me in another.
DR. PATELI refuse to listen to this. I’ll check the registry and see if there are any other potential organ donors.
DEREKWait. Doc. We both know I’m pretty low on the priority list. Garrett’s my only real chance. And he’s my only brother. He’s lived in that RV at the trailer park for over a decade. It don’t even run anymore. The house is my gift to you, Garrett. Not for the kidney, but because you are my brother and you’re too stupid to ever have a chance to live in a proper house on your own.
GARRETTNow, you’re talking. Let’s do this thing, Doc.
DR. PATELOkay, then. The surgery is in two days. Don’t eat anything tomorrow. Be here Saturday morning at 6am. Any questions?
GARRETTNeed anything else?
GLENDAI’ve got eggs!