Hey, Look to Your Left - A Sponsor!

Well, exciting things happening here. After several long meetings with upper management over the weekend at the International BS headquarters in Tulsa, we have decided to accept the offer of a sponsor. That's why the page looks different. Thought I'd gussie up a bit. VividSeats seems like a cool company. They are a Chicago-based service offering a friendly alternative to TicketBastard. Click on the image to the left to go to their website and use the code for 5% discount. Let me know how your experience is with them, too.

So, this means I am being paid to blog! How about them apples? I better start writing something good. So...Um...

Oh! Here's something you might not know. PopTarts - which used to be one of my favorite food groups - aren't vegetarian. They contain gelatin. A healthier alternative is Nature's Path's Toaster Pastries. They are yummy and even have flavors like cherry-pomegranate. You can find them at Trader Joe's, Whole Foods and sometimes in the organic health food section of the mainstream grocery stores.

There! I hope that info was worth the dollar a day I'm pulling in now.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"An American military supercomputer just set a calculation speed record. It is named what?"

37% said "Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius"
- By Acme. It is the fastest computer. When thrown off a cliff.

25% said "Taz"
- The cartoon version of HAL? "Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a TAZ 9000 computer. I became operational at the T.A.Z. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you. And then eat you."

12% said "Speedy Gonzales"
- A very fast computer. Just not very good at hopping fences. (Go Redskins!)

And 25% calculated it correctly with "Roadrunner"

According to the International Herald Tribune, an American military supercomputer, assembled from components originally designed for video game machines, has reached a long-sought-after computing milestone by processing more than 1.026 quadrillion calculations per second. The new $133 million supercomputer, called Roadrunner in a reference to the state bird of New Mexico, was devised and built by engineers and scientists at IBM and Los Alamos National Laboratory, based in Los Alamos, New Mexico. It will be used principally to solve classified military problems to ensure that the nation's stockpile of nuclear weapons will continue to work correctly as they age.

Here's a picture of the computer from AP Photo. It's going to require a lot of birdseed.

Pop Arf!

Nathan Janes, my cousin, is going to be at Jack Gallery, 678 North Wells Street, tonight from 6pm to 9pm in Chicago. They are exhibiting a showcase of his works along with a few others entitled Family Dog Meets Family Dog. Nate is very animal friendly and has applied his artful talents towards painting critters, mainly canines. The exhibition runs through the 13th.Check it out. I'll be there, too.

You can see more of Nate's work at his website Pop Arf. Check out his blog, too.



NO ROBOWRITERS THIS WEEK

Robowriters will return Saturday the 14th at 1pm at Gorilla Tango.


Paul Sills, 1927 to 2008

Paul Sills passed away earlier this week and I have yet to mention it on my blog. Paul was the son of Viola Spolin, the mother of improvisation. I won't dive into a history lesson about Paul. Chris Jones of the Chicago Tribune put together a very thoughtful obituary and you can read it here.

I have hesitated to write anything because I'm not sure what to say about the man. I did not know him. I have never met him. Clearly, he was the conduit between improv and theater. His mother pioneered the form as theater games for children. Paul brought it to his friends as a way to enrich the performances in their theatrical productions. He is one of the founding fathers of Second City and the first Second City director. Many people I respect have called him a genius and just as many that I also respect have gone out of their way to say he's not. He just throws chairs. Genius!

Regardless of how he'll be regarded in theater history, I owe him one. Without him, I would not have improvisation in my life. Thanks, Paul.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Elaine Fulps of Texas attended the Grand Praire Airhogs minor league baseball game and won what?"

60% said "A 1989 Geo Metro"
- No, but people are selling their old gas-saving Geos for what they paid for them brand new. Makes me wish I had held on to my '85 Chevette. No, wait, I couldn't. It disintegrated.

No one said "A spot on the team" or "An opportunity to be an ordained minister"

40% got it right with "A free funeral"

According to The Associated Press, Elaine Fulps is thrilled about the prize she won at a minor league baseball game. But she's hoping she doesn't have to collect on it anytime soon. Fulps, 60, won a $10,000 paid funeral at Tuesday night's Grand Prairie AirHogs game. Some finalists for the prize arrived dressed in black or looking like death. The finalists participated in a pallbearer's race, a mummy wrap and a eulogy delivery.

Sounds like a good idea for the Cubs the next time they blow it in the playoffs.

I wonder is they have "Floppy Hat Day" in heaven. Could she be that lucky?

Noose Quiz

NO ROBOWRITERS THIS WEEK

Kelly and Dan, who own and operate Gorilla Tango, are getting hitched this week and have closed up the space for the week. Congrats to them! Very nice folks, indeed.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Six-year-old Max Dolan won a contest conducted by the Scott Polar Research Institute to name an iceberg. He won with which name?"

28% said "Hillary"
- Sorry. That iceberg name has already been named.

28% said "Titanicator"
- Rise of the Ice machines.

No one went for "Ice Cube"

42% got it right with "Melting Bob"

According to the BBC News, an enormous Antarctic iceberg will be known as "Melting Bob" after being named by Max Dolan, a Hampshire schoolboy.

Melting Bob is three times the size of Greater London with a surface area of 1,985sq miles (5,141sq km) and had been referred to by a codename - C19A.

"The iceberg bobs in the water and is melting", Max said about his inspiration.

Here is a picture of Melting Bob doing neither.

News Quiz

June is a bear of a month for my schedule, as Julie is more than willing to point out to me. Alas, it's all stuff I love to do. Four nights this week are devoted to Metaluna rehearsals, which are going great. It's interesting to hear them discuss their thoughts and opinions and feelings about parts of the script that, as the playwright, were created to just be complete nonsense. It's enriching the play a lot and I feel like I'm on a path of discovery along with them. And we're laughing a lot. I nearly stopped rehearsal for a full five minutes because I couldn't stop laughing at something Freud improvised. Tonight we rehearse in the space where we will be performing the show - a rare treat for an itinerant company in Chicago!


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A British company named Intercytex has developed a new technique to treat baldness that involves what?"

16% said "Radiation"
- Yes. And the treatment involves a choice between a wig or a doo rag.

No one chose "Early gene detection" or, thankfully, "Avoiding having sex with bald guys"

84% got it right on with "Cloning"

According to The Times, millions of men and women who suffer from premature baldness or hair loss could soon be able to regain their original lustrous locks - by cloning their remaining hair in the laboratory, research suggests. The new technique, known as “follicular cell implantation”, has already shown positive results in continuing clinical trials on human beings.

Just what I need. Clone Wars on my scalp while being pelted with marshmallows by telekinetic robot monkeys.

Flash Forwards

ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

This is courtesy of Mr. Chris Othic

You can use this exercise to play with time and add some energy to a scene by causing havoc with it.

It’s a fairly simple exercise. Start small, with 2 or 3 characters, doing something very simple. One of them is for it and one is against, at a certain point, jump it to the future and continue the scene. You can jump it as near or as far as like, from a few minutes to years.

For example, three junior high kids are thinking of stealing liquor from their parents liquor cabinet. One of them doesn’t think they should do it “because that stuff is a gateway drug.” The other two are nonplussed. Suddenly, we jump to the future 8 years and now they are in college and they are all stoners. Or we jump 20 years in the future and they are all at AA. Or we jump ten minutes in the future and they are all dying to get their hands on some crack, wishing they never took the “gateway drug.” Or we jump 50 years in the future, and they are all board, sitting around drinking milk and wishing they would have tried the gateway drug.” At any time in the scene, you can jump forward or backwards, always trying to heighten your original idea.

Have fun with it. You can develop the scene at times, or feel free to just jump to a scene that is only three lines, or even less. Just remember that one of the actions should be the impetus for jumping to a new scene and seeing what the consequence was.

CHICAGO DRAMATISTS

The staged reading of Cheddar Moon went very well on Saturday. On Friday night, we had rehearsal. It might have been the first time I was in a rehearsal for one of my pieces in a room full of strangers. I felt very shy about them reading it aloud and felt more comfortable when they laughed about the piece and started having fun putting it together. It was directed by Ilesa Duncan and featured Gwendolyn Whiteside, Scott Stangland and Justin Cholewa. The actors are all very experienced Equity folks who knew what to do with my scene. The piece, I think, works best when it is very, sincerely melodramatic without any winks to the audience. The more in pain we see these people, the funnier it is. Ah, such is life. Any way, they kicked butt. I wish they were going to be a part of the full production when it goes up in October at Donny's Skybox, but all the pieces get recast for that.




THE BREEDERS (photo by Chris Glass)

The Chicago Dramatists event ran until 4:30pm. My call to be at the Metro was, yep, 4:30pm. We were supposed to shoot with them at 5pm and be ready to go. The Metro is in Wrigleyville near Wrigley Field. The Saturday Cubs game would be letting out around then meaning the area would be crawling with traffic and drunk pedestrians. My plan was to hop on a bus and then the redline and then run to the Metro. I was okay until the bus I was on started heading south because of a detour. I jumped off and spent five minutes trying to hail a cab. By now, it fifteen til five and I was downtown. My cabbie was the best. One of those rare guys who loves his job. I asked him if it would be okay if I changed into my suit (for the video) to save time. He's like, "Why should I care? I only have three rules, no sex, no alcohol, and no smoking." Traffic was horrible and he got me to the Metro with five minutes to spare. I tipped him very well.

I ran to the alley near the Metro where we were shooting and the band wasn't there. They were running late. Whew! The director peeked in on their soundcheck and was worried. We were all worried that we were just a big inconvenience to them. We were told we only had five minutes with them. Shoot it and be done.

When they showed up, we braced ourselves. Kim Deal showed up first with Jose. She shouted out "I hate this wall! Tear it down!" And she burst out laughing. Kelley and Mando were behind them a bit. Mando had a video camera and they were documenting everything. Don't know why. Didn't ask. We had a camera, too, so I thought it was fair.

The Breeders were the nicest people on the planet. They were fun, they were having fun, they were easy to work with. The director told them what to do, they did it. We were done and they continued to hang out and chat. To the point of it feeling a little awkward. We were so expecting to be dismissed, that, internally, I was thinking to myself, "Sheesh, don't you guys have things to do?"

My only disappointment was that I didn't take the opportunity to chat with Kim or Kelley more. I was expecting to see them at the after show party, but they hightailed it home to Dayton. You see, we have a lot in common. We're all three from Ohio. I lived in Dayton for awhile. We're all three 47 and have a mother with alzheimer's. Small world.

The concert was great. Julie and I got there early enough to find a place along the rail of the balcony. Great view. The Montana Boys opened. I think they may have a branding issue with their name and they would probably mock me greatly for saying that. They're from Michigan and their songs are not the good time country honky tonk stuff you would expect. It's fun, crunchy smart, slightly edgy poop/punk. A good complement to The Breeders. Check them out.

The Breeders were fantastic. I liked that the didn't have the traditional band set-up with the drummer upstage center. They were all in a line across the front of the stage with Jose angled a bit towards the others stage left. They have a lot of great songs, but one of my favorite things they did was a cover of Happiness is a Warm Gun. They really cranked it up. When they did the song from our video, Walk It Off, a woman in a marching band helmet came out with cymbals and she looked familiar to me. It was Heather Albini, Steve Albini's wife. Steve is the producer of The Breeders last album, Mountain Battles. Heather works as a manager at Second City.

(sidenote: I said hi to her after the show and she told me her favorite Joe Janes' story. I was thrilled that she had one, until I heard it. At one of the Second City holiday parties a few years ago, I won one of the raffle prizes, but wasn't in the room. A lot of people shouted at Andrew Alexander to draw another name. "Screw Joe Janes! He's not here!" The prize? It was the grand prize they have every year. Second City pays your rent for a month. Where was I? In the building. Teaching a class. Working. For Second City. Because they schedule the holiday parties when there are classes. Now, had it been a lesser prize, like a ten dollar "gift certificate" to Flat Tops Grill, they just would have put it aside and given it to me later. Thanks, Second City.)

Anyhoo, small world. Heather looked great up there and I wish the director had know about it and used her somehow in the video. The video itself should be done in the next week or so and, of course, I'll share it with you. But just you.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"A Palm Beach Gardens mother and son have been barred from owning pets since when?"

50% said "They slaughtered their pot bellied pig on their front lawn"
- This is totally acceptable. It may be Florida, but it's still the south.

40% said "They successfully got their cat a social security number."
- I think the Social Security Administration would have picked up on the name "Mr. Whiskers."

10% said "The mother BBQ'd their iguana"
- Again. This is the south. You could BBQ and eat your right hand and it would be okay.

No one picked the right answer "The son was caught on tape binking their German Shepherd"

According to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, a Palm Beach Gardens man and his mother, a middle school science teacher, are permanently barred from owning or possessing animals, a judge ruled Thursday after watching a short film of the man having sex in his bedroom with a German shepherd. The man, who was 17 at the time of the recorded activity, did not appear in court. The male German Shepherd, seven, is really 41 in human years and the court is considering prosecuting him for statutory rape.

I have probably said this hear before. People will fuck anyone and anything. If they can stick their thing into something or stick something into their thing, they will. But for God's sake, have some decency. DON'T VIDEO TAPE IT!

A Little Bit More

Okay, Peter, a little bit more about that Breeders video.

It features Paul Thomas and me. The tall, gangly improviser/stand-up Paul Thomas is a bike messenger trying to deliver a package to a business man - me - who does not want said package. The video also features Justin Kaufman of Schadenfreude and a woman named Denae (I have no idea how she spells her name, but this is how I spell it) who is masterful in the ways of the bicycle. We have a showdown, man against hot, punky woman on bike.

The Breeders were not there. They come in to town Saturday for a show at the Metro and we are supposed to tape a little something-something with them after their soundcheck. I fully expect Kim and Kelly Deal to fall in love with me and hire me to be their manservant and open their bottles of non-alcoholic beer with my nipples.

The song the video is for is this one...




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Visitors to the Hamilton County Jail in Ohio must now adhere to a new dress code that includes what?"

16% said "No piercings that can be used as weapons"
- You mess with me, you answer to the bolt in my eyebrow, sucker.

No one said "Tasteful tattoos" or "Ties for men, hats for women"

84% got it right on with "Must wear underwear"

According to The Cincinnati Enquirer, visitors to the Hamilton County jail should not dress in tattered, baggy or sexy clothes. They also definitely better put on underwear. A new dress code for visitors, finalized Thursday, starts next month at the jail.

"It has become a problem over the last several years, so we are finally addressing it," sheriff's spokesman Steve Barnett said. "It's not about telling people how to dress. It's about telling visitors to a facility you just can't come in here exposing yourself to inmates."

Killjoy. This dude has obviously never spent time in a Turkish prison.

Loopy, Exhausted and a Little Smelly

On Saturday, I spent the day shooting a music video for The Breeders with Steve Delahoyde of Irritable Colon Films (you read that right). It was mostly outdoors, wearing a suit and running. And I made the number one bald guy mistake for a sunny day - no sun screen! I essentially charred my skull. And in spite of endless slathering of aloe and moisturizing, today I will be peeling.

Previous to agreeing to do the shoot, I committed to doing a guest spot with Don Hall at Schadenfreude's Rent Party on the same night. Our shoot ran later than we expected. I am wearing the clothes I wore for the shoot, plus a ball cap to cover up my boiled lobster forehead. I'm wiped out!

Don and I did our "I Believe's" from our Locked in a Room shows. Don mainly did new ones where I mainly did ones I like the best and wanted to do again. I wrote three new ones, two that made it. One that didn't. You can probably guess the one that didn't. The one that sounds like I channeled Peggy Hill.

- Do what you love and the money will follow. As will the debt collectors.

- I believe the words “black angus beef” are too close to the words “black anus beef.”

- What’s the point of having a safety word when you’re wearing a ball gag…Was that off topic?

Without any justification or set-up, we concluded by waxing parts of our bodies. You can thank Chris Othic for that idea.






Don posted a YouTube just showing the waxing HERE.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Mike Fournier plans on breaking a world record in skydiving by doing what?"

28% said "Jumping naked"
- I'm pretty sure that's not new. It's just a vertical version of the mile high club.

14% said "Jumping without a parachute"
- No ambulance at the bottom. Just a spatula.

14% said "Jumping while making a sandwich"
- This I would like to see. No cheating by using pita bread and just jelly. I want to see Jared making himself a foot long meatball sub.

44% got it right with "Jumping from 25 miles high"

According to the AFP, French skydiver Michel Fournier takes his life in his hands when, weather permitting, he leaps from a balloon 40 kilometres (25 miles) above Canada's western plains.

The 64-year-old parachutist said it was his life's dream to make the record jump, which will begin at the outer reaches of the stratosphere -- about four times higher than the cruising altitude of a commercial jet.

Fournier spent Sunday resting and making the final arrangements in the small city of North Battleford, Saskatchewan, from where he will head up into the heavens in a stratospheric balloon and then throw himself off.

If he succeeds, Fournier will actually break four world records: for fastest freefall, longest freefall, highest jump, and highest altitude reached by a man in a balloon. It could also someday lead to rescuing astronauts in-flight.

Really? It will help rescue astronauts in-flight? I'm not sure how falling really fast past an astronaut in danger is going to be helpful.

OOPS! The balloon left without him. This just in...

NORTH BATTLEFORD, Saskatchewan — A French skydiver's latest attempt to set a new free-fall record ended Tuesday when his ride to the sky left without him.

The helium balloon Michel Fournier was going to use to soar to the stratosphere detached from the capsule he was going to use to jump from 130,000 feet.

It happened after the balloon was inflated on the ground at the airport in North Battleford, Saskatchewan. The balloon drifted away into the sky without the capsule.

Read the rest of the story HERE.

Wheelchair Werewolf!

Hombre Films, the geniuses who brought you Naked Boys, have cranked out another fun piece.



That's me as the narrator. And if you saw Robot vs Dinosaur at Gorilla Tango or Sketchfest, you'll recognize a few other folks.



Sydney Pollack Died

Bummer. I liked that guy.He was 73 and had cancer. Sydney Pollack was a great director and actor. His body of work as a director is incredible. Perhaps his biggest feet was keeping the movie Tootsie from going off the rails because of a temperamental mid-life Dustin Hoffman. He was somehow able to foster it along to be one of the best film comedies ever. Other films he directed that are worth checking out include; They Shoot Horses, Don't They?, Three Days of the Condor and Jeremiah Johnson. There's more, depending on your tastes. He also directed The Way We Were and Out of Africa. Not horrible films,, just not my cup of tea.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"A 16-year-old girl was arrested for spiking her mom's food because her mom did what?"

14% said "grounded her for a weekend"
- Yeah, man. That's like doing time in jail. Except you're at home. And jail's better.

15% said "made her do homework"
- It's not fair. You shouldn't have to do homework at home.

No one said "turned off the TV"
- Just too much beyond comprehension.

71% got it right with "took away her cell phone"

According to the St. Petersburg Times, a 16-year-old girl was arrested Tuesday and charged with aggravated domestic battery after Pasco deputies said she spiked her mom's food with an ingredient that she knew could cause a severe allergic reaction. The Times is not printing the name of the teen or her mother. Several family members told deputies they believed the teen, who attends Pasco High School, may have spiked her mom's food more than once. They said she was angry because her mom made her do chores and recently took away her cell phone, according to the arrest report.

So, it's not just that she took the phone away. It's also that she made her do chores. This is totally justifiable. How the hell is she supposed to call her friends and bitch about doing chores when she doesn't have a cell phone?

Sea Watchers

Due to a series of miscommunication of whether or not I had a meeting to go to, I ended up going to the Art Institute to see the Hopper exhibit yesterday. By mistake, I accidentally bought a ticket to the Dennis Hopper exhibit. Just a guy sitting in a room huffing nitrous oxide, waving a gun, asking me pop quizzes about my retirement plan. Not really worth the twenty bucks.

However, the Edward Hopper exhibit is definitely worth it. I have seen most of his work on-line and in prints. The only painting of his I recall seeing in person over the years is the iconic Nighthawks. I was shocked to see how many of the prints I was familiar with were watercolors. I have never seen anyone paint in watercolor with so much detail, texture and clarity. And while many of his paintings seem quietly sad, I also saw a lot more humor and tension. One painting, Sea Watchers, actually made me laugh when I saw it in its full glory. It's a middle-aged couple sitting on a bench on a sunny, but windy beach. They are both in their own worlds looking out at the water. It was the first time I noticed the woman was all decked out in a swimsuit, complete with a rubber cap, ready for the water, but just sitting there. The man, as well, is in a swimsuit. It's as if they were at the beach because they heard it was a relaxing thing to do and they are waiting for the relaxation to hit them.

I took the audio tour, read everything that was posted, and watched the documentary they had running. It was interesting to me when the art experts said stuff like "this is where Hopper explored the blah-blah-blah..." I wonder, as artists, how much conscious exploring is done. In Hopper's mind, maybe he just wanted to paint a house and this is what came out. Considering Hopper didn't kick it in professionally until he was in his forties and had considerable training, he probably did have goals to explore light or contrast or nature, etc. It made me realize that, as a writer, my goals tend to not be much deeper than "trying not to suck here." Or my goals don't extend much beyond just trying out a different genre. I'll have to explore this exploring thing.

It closes May 10th. Go see it. It's a rare treat to see so much of his work gathered together in one place.



NO ROBOWRITERS TOMORROW - COME SEE THE GREATEST STORIES NEVER TOLD...TOLD!

This Saturday and Sunday mark the second weekend of Robot vs Dinosaur's first production. 4pm at Gorilla Tango, 1919 North Milwaukee. $10. I'll be up in the booth trying to keep up with the actors on the lights and sound. Wave "hi"!



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Julieta Clinton, a bus driver in Huntley, IL, is in trouble with the police because she punished kids on her bus by doing what?"

40% said "Playing Michael Bolton Cd's really loud"
- This has been scientifically proven to destroy brain cells.

Nobody said "Speeding Up" or "Swerving"

60% got it right with "Slamming the brakes"

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Clinton allegedly became angry with several students on the ride to Leggee and intentionally made two abrupt stops throwing students from their seats. Eighteen of 54 students on the bus, ages 5 to 10, were treated and released at the scene for minor injuries, and one was taken to Provena St. Joseph Hospital in Elgin, according to reports.

When I was a kid, we had Mr. Russell as our bus driver. He was an old, fat guy with slicked back gray hair and he chomped on a wet cigar. And, looking back, I am now suspicious of the "coffee" he had in his aluminum thermos. His weapon of choice for disciplining you was just looking intimidating. You didn't fuck with Mr. Russel.

Midwest Teen Sex Show

One really great thing about this blog is having the ability to shed some light on folks who deserve it. There's a web show in Chicago called The Midwest Teen Sex Show. I imagine they get a lot of hits from people looking for porn. If any of those people are teens themselves, they have struck gold. Non-porn gold. The Midwest Teen Sex Show tackles subjects that teens really want to talk about. It's sex education from people willing to talk about sex without having to meet any governmental guidelines or getting any flak from religious groups. They might get the flak, but they are independent. They can tell the kids what teachers aren't allowed to say. And they can do it with a sense of humor. And the do it well.



Featured in that clip is Neil Arsenty. I have worked with Neil a few times and he is one funny guy. He has made many a weak or standard sketch comedy gold just by being Neil. He and this company were featured on Nightline last night. I hope the exposure leads to big things for him and for the The Midwest Teen Sex Show.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Today on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show,' David Blaine will perform his next amazing stunt which will be what?"

20% said "Bury himself alive in Oprah's thighs"
- Even David Blaine can't lower his heart rate enough to do that.

10% said "Spend the entire hour just listening to her friend Gayle"
- I think Oprah already hires people to do that for her.

No one said "Jump on the couch more times than Tom Cruise"
- Nope. Cruise still holds the record.

70% got it right with "Hold his breath the longest"

According to The Associated Press, submerged in a water-filled sphere on the stage of The Oprah Winfrey Show during a live broadcast, Blaine held his breath for 17 minutes and 4 seconds. That bested the previous record of 16 minutes and 32 seconds, set Feb. 10 by Switzerland's Peter Colat, according to Guinness World Records.

And...so what? How is this useful? Unless he's diffusing a bomb in the ocean, I don't really care. Remember when David Blaine used to be a magician? Wasn't that cool? I'd like his next stunt to be to make himself disappear.

Search Yourself

ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

A simple idea to get the ball rolling on a new scene. Pick your favorite search engine - Yahoo, Google, Whatever - Dogpile is a good one because it combines several different search engines - and look up your name. You've done it before, now you are getting permission to do it. Create a character based on the people who share your name, but aren't you. Then build a scene around that character. If you have an unusual name and a search engine doesn't bring up anything not you, then try using variations of your name, such as Bill or Billy instead of William. Still nada? Then use the name of a parent or sibling or use your mother's maiden name. When searching my name, I come up with a professor who's an Internet librarian and another guy who's a jazz musician. I might build a scene using one or the other or combine the two. Good luck.



EVERYDAY NORMAL GUY

My brother Don turned me onto this rap genre parody by Jon Lajoie that's pretty funny. I thought at first it was just going to be a pal(er) imitation of "Lazy Sunday," but it stands on its own. Check it out. Contains some harsh language, so crank it up if you are at work.


Every Day Normal Guy Rap Song - Watch more free videos



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Due to too little sunshine and exercise, a surprising number of U.S. children are contracting what?"

Nobody thought it was "Gout," "Vapors," or "Gamer's Thumb"
100% nailed it with "Rickets"

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, too little milk, sunshine and exercise is an anti-bone trifecta. For some kids, shockingly, it's leading to rickets, the scourge of the 19th century. But cases of full-blown rickets are just the red flag: Bone specialists say possibly millions of seemingly healthy children aren't building as much strong bone as they should, a gap that may leave them more vulnerable to bone-cracking osteoporosis later. Already there's evidence that U.S. children break their arms more often today than four decades ago, according to a Mayo Clinic study. Of course, I have to stick my two cents in about milk. I edited that part out from the question. I think milk is meant for cows and should only be drank by cows. What kids aren't getting is enough calcium, which is available in ample supply through many leafy green vegetables as well as broccoli, sweet potatoes and oranges. There. I'm off the dairy horse (or cow) now. I only used this question because I like the word "rickets."

Effingham, Baby

Here, briefly, is the story of asking Julie to marry me.

Wanting to keep it a small, intimate affair, I hired a dancing elephant. The elephant, named Salted, was trained to do a little tap dance to the tune of "Tea for Two" while dressed like a pirate and at the very end, present Julie with the ring on the end of his trunk. I picked up the elephant on Friday afternoon and put it in the backseat of the car under a blanket. Then I picked up Julie from her workplace and we headed to Clarksville.

My dad lives in Clarksville, Tennessee. Saturday night was a celebration for his 75th year of plodding around the planet in his underwear on Saturday mornings making grunting sounds. Not wishing to steal the thunder away from his 3/4 century marker, my plan was to propose to Julie on Friday evening in Effingham, Illinois. Effingham (say it out loud, it sounds like you are swearing at pork) is the halfway point between Chicago and Clarksville. I didn't know when I was going to ask her, but the elephant and I were ready to go when the perfect moment presented itself.

We arrived in Effingham at 7:30pm and got a room at the Paradise-On-A-Budget Motel. Not to skimp on such a special evening, I booked us The Luv Room. The Luv Room featured a round bed with a vibrating feature known as "magic fingers." Basically, this is a man named Chet who slept under the bed and would shake it for fifteen minutes at a time for a quarter. Yes, it's a little creepy to have a man named Chet under your bed, but you cannot argue the value we got per quarter. That was really the only feature that qualified it as a Luv Room. That and the broken lava lamp on the nightstand that had one long, snaking purple turd-like lava thing floating in it.

While one could not deny the electricity that was The Luv Room, it seemed more like a destination after proposing than the place to propose. So, we went to dinner.

If you are ever in Effingham, you must go to the Firefly Grill. It is a culinary sanctuary just off a strip choked with chain restaurants and gas stations. The space was warm, open and inviting. The staff friendly. The food excellent. They sat us at an intimate table for two near the bar and a magazine rack. Amanda, our server, had a great smile and demeanor. We felt welcomed and she was honest in her recommendations. She told us to make sure we saved room for the Firefly Grill's special dessert, caramel apple pecan cake! We ordered wine and a few appetizers. The spicy hummus is to die for!

As we took in the atmosphere, I decided that this was the perfect moment. I signaled to Salted, who entered after us and sat at the bar reading Us magazine, that it was "go" time. That was when all hell broke loose. Salted had a weakness for frozen strawberry margaritas and had been throwing them back like a middle-aged divorcee on ladies night. Salted broke out his boom box and, instead of playing "Tea for Two," cranked up the wobbly speakers and filled the room with "Here I Go Again." His dainty pirate tap dance became a cross between the Curly Shuffle and Godzilla stomping on Tokyo. Salted threw his weight around the room, knocking over tables, banging into servers with trays of food, and, most tragically, crushing a busboy. One could forgive the one crunchy accidental step that crushed his chest cavity, but it was when Salted did a breakdance spin on Pedro's limp body that the restaurant filled with a horrified silence.

Fortunately, no one saw me signal to Salted and assumed he was just another drunk pirate elephant on a bender in Effingham. Feigning inconsolability over Pedro's pulpy remains, I threw myself at Salted, who just laid there on his back, lamely trumpeting along to the Whitesnake tune that had already ended. There I palmed the engagement ring from Salted's nose and put it in my pocket. Julie and I grabbed our jackets and rushed towards the door making sure that we also grabbed the amazing caramel apple pecan cake to go.

If there's one thing I have learned in life and love and theater, it's always have a back-up plan. In the parking lot of the restaurant, I shot off the flare gun I keep strapped to my ankle. Within seconds, the U.S. Air Force sent the Thunderbirds air demonstration squadron flying overhead in formation. After a twisting-turning loopdeloo executed with split-second timing, the jets all released incendiary devices that lit up the sky. And when you stood right underneath them and looked up, the falling balls of fire spelled out "Marry Me." And Julie said yes. I slipped the ring on her finger and we held each other and the dessert tight as fire rained down around us.

The "-y Me" part of the proposal landed on the roof of the Firefly Grill and quickly reduced it to a pile of ashes and burnt elephant. They seemed like a pretty together outfit, so I'm sure they are insured and should be rebuilt by the time we're ready to celebrate our first anniversary.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Last Friday, I asked...

"Disneyland workers recently shut down the 'Pirates of the Caribbean" ride when cameras caught a woman doing what?"

31% said "Flashing Jack Sparrow"
- Nope. She kept her booty to herself.

18% said "Robbing the other people in her boat"
- Nope. Nor did she make anyone walk the plank.

12% said "Drinking rum and screaming "Yo-ho-HO!""
- Hey, now. That's really degrading to women. Even the pirates on the ride have been reprogrammed to say "Yee-hee-hee" and titter like little girls.

39% got it right with "Dumping human remains"

According to Orlando's Local 6 News, Disneyland workers were recently forced to close the "Pirates of the Caribbean" attraction after a ride security camera caught a woman apparently dumping human remains, in what may be a growing trend. Some Disney watchers said park-goers tell them that people smuggling in the cremated remains of their loved ones and then sprinkling ashes on rides has been going on for a while. They said it started at the "Haunted Mansion," but now the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride is growing in popularity. That's awesome! Who wouldn't want to spend eternity at the happiest place on earth? Just don't sprinkle my ashes on the tea cup ride. I don't want to spend the afterlife spinning and hurling ectoplasm.

Whew!

Okay. Ever been so busy that you didn't have time to be sick and then as soon as things let up a bit, boom! Viral smackdown? Soiree Dada wrapped up Saturday night. On Sunday, I was sneezy and congested all day and assumed that it was my usual allergies. I took a Claritin to no effect. Late in the afternoon, my throat started to feel scratchy. I laid down for an hour, had some dinner, hypnotically watched the movie Stargate on the Sci-Fi Channel and noticed for the first time that French Stewart was in it as a bad ass marine, and started feeling worse. I don't think the miscasting of French Stewart had anything to do with this. Through my girlfriend's recommendation, I took a bath by candle-light with a bath bomb. Okay, the candle-light was my idea. Shut up. I'm sick.

I crawled into bed around 8pm and slept for nearly ten hours.

So, at the moment I feel much better, albeit quite achy. Today, all I have on the docket are my Columbia classes. I'm free this evening to come home and chill out. And, if I'm still not feeling well, take another bath by candle-light. I said shut up.

Things have been a little slow around here for snarky political and social commentary or talking about theater and writing. There's lot for me to write about, so we'll get those pistons fired back up this week.


If you're a geek like me, this is good news...

Young Actors Audition For Justice

George Miller, director of the upcoming Justice Leage of America, flew from his native Australia over the weekend to audition young actors for roles in the much-anticipated comic-inspired film, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

The marathon casting session started Oct. 14 and continues on the 15th, with 35 to 40 actors testing for roles, including Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Flash, Aquaman, Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter. A few nonhero parts might be testing as well.

On the roll call are Adam Brody (The O.C.), Joseph Cross (Running With Scissors), D.J. Cotrona (Windfall), Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Final Destination 3), Michael Angarano (Sky High), Teresa Palmer (Wolf Creek), Max Thieriot (Jumper) and rapper Common.

The cast of NBC's Friday Night Lights is well-represented as well, with Minka Kelly, Adrianne Palicki and Scott Porter also among those testing for parts. No costumes are involved in the tests, which are being taped as actors read script pages.

Miller is looking for actors to grow into their roles over the course of several movies. Sources told the trade paper that Miller, known to be a methodical director, is testing not only for the roles themselves but also how the actors interact with one another while keeping an eye on the look of the whole group. The director is due to present his findings to the studio midweek.

George Miller also did the Mad Max film series and that other bloody revenge franchise, Babe.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Saturday, I asked...

"Australian performance artist Stelios Arcadiou recently had what grafted to his body?"

25% picked "A Horn"
- I wasn't specific as to if I meant a horn like a rhino or a horn like a car. I'd love it if I had a truck horn I could use on escalators where lazy people block the paths of those of us who want to use our legs while escalating. But it doesn't matter which, because neither is right.

25% "Pig Nipples"
- I'm sure the pig would feel great about this. "They chop me up for science and for sandwiches. They part out my body like a used car and some asshole gets to wear my nipples for art? I wish they had just clubbed me in the head when I was born." Don't worry little piggy. Your nipples are safe. For now.

No one thought it was "A Duck Bill"
- Too hard to imagine, I guess. Where would you put it? It's too small to graft to your lips. I think they'd make pretty cool eye lids.

50% got the right answer with "A Third Ear"

According to the BBC, an Australian performer has had an ear grafted onto his forearm in the name of art. Stelarc, aged 61, said it had taken him years to find a surgeon prepared to perform the operation. The ear does not function, but he hopes to have a microphone implanted to allow others to listen to what his extra ear picks up. Um, I think the extra ear on his forearm is going to pick up the rustling of his shirt as well as everything else that his other two ears hear. My question is, did this jerk get a grant for this?

I Have No Feelings Either Way About Mondays

Recently, I was hired by the wonderfully creative people over at Fig Media to help script and direct the opening production of a corporate event. I did not sell my soul, but it is currently on loan and this week will be very heavy back-and-forth with the client as we finalize the details.

I guess what I am saying is, don't expect much from this week for content. I'll do my best, but for now, I will have to defer to the man.



SOIREE DADA




Michael Brownlee has posted some great black and white photos of the show. You can check them out by clicking here.



THE NOD

Is this week! Wednesday night at 8pm at the Uptown Writer's Space. Lindsey Muscato has hopped on board. Check out her blog, Just Stay Calm, and our main website, The Nod with Don Hall and Joe Janes, for more info and links to all the bloggers.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Saturday, I asked...

"Former recruit Peter J. Palka is suing the Chicago Police Department claiming they kicked him out of the academy because of what?"

34% picked "He has horrible manners."
- Yeah. You NEVER see Chicago cops with bad manners. It's like Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood around here. Um, no.

17% answered "He's too fat."
- This is the town where many cops sit in their cars like encased meats and make you do all the footwork when they pull you over. No. Very no.

16% thought "He has a history of physical violence."
- Actually, this might be a pre-requisite. So, no.

33% got it correct with "He's Polish and looks terrible."

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Peter J. Palka is suing the Chicago Police Department claiming he was terminated from the Chicago Police Academy because he was Polish and "looked terrible." In the Chicago Police department's defense, it's not so much that he is Polish, per se. It's just that Palka held his gun pointed in the wrong direction. At himself.