Week Six, Day Thirty-Nine - "The Third One"

“The Third One”
Written by Joe Janes
2/26/09
39 out of 365

CAST:
Archie
Sidney

(Archie and Sidney are playing rock, paper, scissors.)

ARCHIE & SIDNEY

One-Two-Three!

ARCHIE

Paper covers rock.

ARCHIE & SIDNEY

One-Two-Three!

ARCHIE

Rock breaks scissors.

ARCHIE & SIDNEY

One-Two-Three!

(Archie plays “rock.” Sidney has made a gun with his or her hand. Archie looks puzzled. He “shoots” and we hear a gunshot sound. Archie falls to the ground.)

SIDNEY

Gun shoots rock.

(Sidney blows off the tip of his/her gun. Lights out.)

Week Six, Day Thirty-Six - "Zombie Space Aliens"

“Zombie Space Aliens”
Written by Joe Janes
2/23/09
36 of 365

CAST:
Sergei, 30s
Glenn, 20s
Topol, 50s
Midge, 50s

(Lights up on the International Space Station. Glenn and Sergei are “floating” downstage working on some control panels. In the background, Midge and Topol work on a hydroponics project.)

SERGEI

Glenn. Nice to have a new face on the space station.

GLENN

Thanks, Sergei. It’s a dream come true for me. I don’t care how many books you read or how many TV shows or movies you see, nothing captures the experience of actually being blasted into space and then, well, being here. The beauty out there. So, clear and it goes on forever. It’s awe-inspiring.

SERGEI

Yeah, that gets old fast. So, what did you bring?

GLENN

What did I bring? The usual stuff, I guess.

SERGEI

No bullshitting. We’re up here together for a year. If you brought something you weren’t supposed to, tell me. Or I’ll find out later when I go through your things.

GLENN

Hey, what are you saying? You’re not allowed to go through my personal things.

SERGEI

There are a lot of things I’m not allowed to do. Doesn’t stop me from doing them. There are only four of us up here. You want to call mission control and have them send your mommy to come pick you up?

GLENN

I’m just saying that in the interest of peaceful international relations, we’re not getting off to a good start.

SERGEI

Okay, Glenn. But if you’re really interested in peaceful relations, you’ll tell me what you brought.

GLENN

I told you what I brought.

SERGEI

Glenn, it’s okay. Everybody brings something they’re not supposed to. Everybody.

GLENN

Everybody?

SERGEI

Topol, back there. Brought a stack of pornography magazines. Didn’t you, Topol?

(Topol waves)

SERGEI (continuing)

God bless him.

GLENN

Does he share?

SERGEI

Unfortunately, yes. He’s in to fatties with bad skin and hair. But, you know…in a pinch…

GLENN

Did Midge bring porn?

SERGEI

Midge brought pot.

GLENN

She brought marijuana.

SERGEI

Seeds, too. Check out hydroponics specimen 420.

GLENN

This is sensitive equipment. You can’t smoke in here.

SERGEI

We don’t. We step outside. Remember that astronaut that lost a tool bag on a space walk?

GLENN

Yeah.

(Sergei mimes hitting on a joint.)

GLENN

But, you’d have to smoke inside your space suit helmet.

SERGEI

Best high in your life.

GLENN

What did you bring, Sergei? Vodka?

SERGEI (angry)

That’s a pretty racist comment, American… Just kidding! You want some?

(He sips on a straw coming out of the shoulder of his work suit.)

GLENN

Sure, why not. (He takes a small sip.) Wow –

SERGEI

Makes the paste-food we eat a lot more palatable.

GLENN

You guys sure know how to party. Sorry I was so cagey about “bringing stuff.” When you said, “everybody does it” I didn’t think you meant everybody.

SERGEI

I knew you brought something.

GLENN

I did. A gun.

(He pulls a small handgun out of his pocket)

SERGEI

A gun?

MIDGE

He has a gun!!!

TOPOL

Everybody get down!

(The three continue hovering and cover their heads with their arms.)

GLENN

No, no, no, no. It’s okay. I have the safety on.

SERGEI

A gun! You bring a fucking gun onto a space station?

MIDGE

What the hell were you thinking, Glenn?

GLENN

Hey, you brought pot.

TOPOL

If you can’t smoke it, eat it or tug to it, it’s worthless.

SERGEI

And dangerous. You accidentally shoot through the hull and we’ll all get sucked out of a hole the size of my belly button. And my belly button is petite.

GLENN

I thought it might come in handy.

MIDGE

Handy how?

TOPOL

Does my pornography threaten you?

GLENN

A little. But I would never use my gun for that. Look, it’s space. The final frontier. We don’t know what’s out here. We’re just sitting ducks waiting for some zombie space aliens to come along and eat our brains.

SERGEI

Zombie space aliens. You’ve seen too many movies.

MIDGE

Bad movies.

TOPOL

Good thing you’re here to protect us. I don’t want a zombie space alien eating my porn.

MIDGE

I think one already ate Glenn’s brain.

GLENN

All right. All right. It was dumb. You’ll never see this thing, again. (He puts it in his pocket.) Sorry I didn’t bring any good contraband to share.

(He goes back to work. The others do not.)

SERGEI

It’s okay, American. We’re glad you are here.

GLENN

Thanks. Why are you all staring at me?

(They all three grab him and start eating him. Lights fade.)

Week Five, Day Thirty-Four - "Once Upon A Time in the Church Basement "

“Once Upon A Time in the Church Basement”
Written by Joe Janes
2/21/09
34 of 365

CAST:
Edna, 70s
Doris, 70s
Mart, 70s

(Lights up on a prim and proper Edna counting money from a cash box. Her hair is held up with chopsticks. Doris is packing boxes while Mart is folding chairs and stacking them. Mart is keeping an eye on Edna.)

DORIS

I am so glad that my handmade knitted wool potholders were the first thing to sell at this year’s rummage sale. The whole set. I put so much time into them.

MART

Don’t they sell every year?

DORIS

I bring them every year. This was the first year I sold any. But, who knows? Maybe it will be the start of something.

MART

You might want to try something different next year.

DORIS

If it works, don’t fix it.

MART

Wool may not be the best choice for a potholder. (Doris clearly doesn’t get it) If you had to pick up a hot pot off your stove and you happened to be out of potholders and you reached into your closet, would you grab a wool sweater or heavy cotton sweatshirt?

DORIS

I’d use my potholders. Which have pigs on them.

MART

Of course.

(Edna finishes counting and looks concerned. She quickly recounts and checks it against a clipboard.)

EDNA

Mart. Count this.

MART (taking money)

Something wrong?

EDNA

Probably just my tired eyes.

(Mart counts)

DORIS

If my potholders didn’t sell, I was going to just give them to St. Jehoshaphat’s. They’re doing their rummage sale next week. Maybe they could sell them. I’m glad I didn’t have to do that. They’re Catholic. Not that that’s a big deal, but they’re just too Catholic for me. Who goes to church on a Wednesday night? Sunday morning’s all you need.

MART

187.

DORIS

That’s good, right? Sounds better than last year.

EDNA

Should be 202. We’re fifteen dollars short.

DORIS

Oh, my heavens.

EDNA

I checked the dollars against the sales sheet. Fifteen dollars is missing.

MART (looking at clip board)

Maybe the sales sheet is wrong. Maybe something got checked off that shouldn’t have.

EDNA

I have been running the St. Bart Rummage Sale for fifteen years in a row.

DORIS

Except for that one year.

EDNA

Except for that one year.

DORIS

When you had your eyes worked on.

EDNA

They needed it. The doctor recommended it.

MART

Carrying a lot of baggage, were you?

EDNA

The point being, in all my years in charge of the rummage sale, the books have always balanced to a penny. To a penny.

MART

Well, I don’t know what to tell you. It’ll probably turn up. (She puts on her coat) I have to go home and put dinner on for Ned. If I don’t, he’ll eat all the ribbon candy and then fuss with his dentures all night.

(Edna blocks her from exiting)

EDNA

You’re not leaving. No one is leaving. Not until find the culprit.

MART

The culprit?

EDNA

Fifteen dollars doesn’t just get up on its own and do a jig out the door.

(Mart sighs.)

MART

Okay. Fifteen minutes and then I’m out of here.

DORIS

She said fifteen.

EDNA

Interesting number of minutes you happened to pick, Mart. Is that number on your mind? Are you feeling guilty about anything?

MART

Yeah, it’s on my mind because we keep talking about it and it sounded like a decent number of minutes. But if it makes you feel better, okay, 12 and a half minutes and I’m out the door. Do you want my help or not?

EDNA

Sure. Help away.

MART

Well, did you do anything different this year from all the other years?

EDNA

The only thing different this year is that Althea Kuzman got a gopher-sized goiter and passed away and you replaced her.

DORIS

Poor Althea. Poor goiter.

MART

Edna, do you really want to accuse me of stealing money? Fifteen dollars? From a church rummage sale?

EDNA

I’m just saying you are the only thing different this year. You said all the rest. Hadn’t really considered it, but now I certainly am.

DORIS

I saw you put money in your purse!

MART

You did not!

DORIS

Yes. I did. When you were talking to Rod Libben about the rooster toaster cozy, you took money from him and out it in your purse.

MART

I was making him change. The cash box was all $20s. He gave me a twenty and I gave him a ten and two fives back. If I hadn’t, we’d have lost the sale.

EDNA

Good answer, Mart. Too good. Sounds like you may have committed the perfect crime.

MART

I volunteered because you needed help, Edna. And you’re repaying me by treating me like a criminal.

EDNA

Oh, I forgot to mention one thing that is definitely different this year, There’s a new policy. To help thwart thievery. No one leaves without me checking their purse.

(Edna grabs at Mart’s purse. They have a low-key no-win tug of war.)

MART

You will do no such thing.

DORIS

Sounds like something a guilty person would say. You can check my purse, Edna.

EDNA

One purse at a time, Doris. I’m interested in finding out what Mart here has to hide.

MART

You want to check, fine.

(She lets go and Edna stumbles back a bit. She starts going through the purse.)

EDNA

Used Kleenex…Several balls of wadded up used Kleenex…several loose cough drops…A wallet!...with a twenty dollar bill in it…

MART

Satisfied?

DORIS

If I were a crook, the last place I would hide the money is in my purse. That’s the first place anyone would look.

EDNA

Sometimes, Doris, you say the most brilliant things.

DORIS

I do?

EDNA

You do. Mart…strip.

MART

I have had enough of this. (Mart grabs back the purse; Edna retains her hold on it.)

EDNA

If the money’s not in the cashbox and not in your purse, then where is it?

MART

How should I know?

DORIS

She has an accomplice.

MART

You watch way too much TV, Doris.

DORIS

I only watch Cops!

(She also grabs the purse)

EDNA

What do you mean she had an accomplice?

DORIS

Rod Libben! I saw them giving each other the googlie eyes. There was something going on there. Bet Ned would be interested to know. He’s probably down at the Piggly-Wiggly throwing that fifteen dollars around like a drunk sailor on shore leave…in a grocery store. Buying meat. Good meat. Not “on sale” meat. For shame, Mart. For shame!

MART

Let go of my purse!

DORIS

Citizen’s arrest!

(Doris jumps on Mart and all three get tangled up and end up on the floor. They all three jump back up as quickly as they can brandishing weapons. Edna holds her chopsticks like a dagger, Mart has her purse, holding the straps like she might strangle someone, and Doris makes karate chop hands and says “Hi-Ya!” She realizes her hand are ineffective against their weapons. She looks around for something else and pulls off one of her shoes and says “Hi-Ya!” As Doris holds out the shoe, fifteen dollars falls out. )

MART

The money.

EDNA

Doris, how could you?

DORIS

What? That? That’s for emergencies.

EDNA (picks it up)

Exactly fifteen dollars. For emergencies?

DORIS

Very small emergencies?

MART

You were setting me up, Doris?

DORIS

I’m sorry, Mart. I was just trying to keep the heat off of me. Go ahead. Make a citizen’s arrest. (She goes down to her knees and puts her hands behind her head.) I’ll go quietly.

EDNA (going down to Doris)

Why, Doris? Why did you do it? If you needed fifteen dollars, I would have probably given it to you.

DORIS

I just wanted to finally sell my potholders. Every year I bring them, I even make new ones, every year, they just go back home and I end up using them coasters and little towels.

EDNA

Your potholders sold this year. It’s checked off the sales sheet.

DORIS

Nobody bought them. I bought them. I checked them off. (She pulls them out of her bra). If I was just going to end up taking them home with me, at least I could do it knowing you all thought they sold. Nobody wants wool potholders with smiling pigs on them.

EDNA (looking)

Oh, those are pigs.

MART

I thought it was Charles Durning.

EDNA

But why steal the fifteen dollars?

DORIS

I was going to give them to St. Jehoshaphat’s for their rummage sale next week and if they didn’t sell, I needed the money to buy them back.

MART

Too bad for St. Jehoshaphat’s.

EDNA

You’re not going to be able to give them the potholders.

DORIS

You mean, because they’re evidence?

MART

No, because I want to buy one.

EDNA

Me, too. I think Charles Durning is sexy.

MART

I can use them to set my candy dishes on. Ned’s ribbon candy denture drool tends to leave a ring.

DORIS

You’re both very sweet.

EDNA (helping her up)

Just trying to be a Good Samaritan. I’m sorry I got rough with you, Mart.

MART

I didn’t appreciate the accusations, but you found the fifteen dollars.

DORIS

Edna always gets her man.

(Doris hands them the potholders. Edna puts the fifteen dollars back in the cash box and adds five bucks. Mart puts in her twenty and Edna hands her change.)

DORIS (continuing)

I’m sorry I caused so much trouble. Good night. And God bless you. Both of you.

(She exits. Edna and Mart put on their jackets.)

MART

You were right. Something was fishy when her potholders sold.

(Edna hands her a black ski mask. They both put masks on.)

EDNA

Let’s go teach that bitch a lesson.

(They pound their fists and exit. Blackout.)

Week Five, Day Thirty-One - "Bad News"

“Bad News”
Written by Joe Janes
2/18/09
31 of 365

CAST:
KYLE, 30s
CLAIRE, 30s
RANDY, 40s
STEFFEN, 30s

(Lights up on Kyle seated working at his desk. Next to him is Claire, also seated at her desk, working at her computer.)

CLAIRE (sadly and to herself)

Oh, no.

KYLE

Thinking about Steffen?

CLAIRE

What? No. Just got e-mailed some really bad news.

KYLE

Sorry to hear that.

(They continue working. She shakes her head and sighs.)

KYLE (continuing)

You want to talk about it?

CLAIRE

It’s nothing, Kyle.

KYLE

Sure seems like something… Claire, we’re desk buddies. If something’s upsetting you, it’s upsetting me.

CLAIRE

That’s sweet, Kyle. Well, it’s just… I really can’t believe it. You know Maxine’s across the street?

KYLE

The hot dog place?

CLAIRE (on the edge of tears)

They closed.

KYLE

That’s the bad news? Did you know Maxine?

CLAIRE

She’s dead.

KYLE

Oh, I’m so sorry.

CLAIRE

She died like fifty years ago.

KYLE

And you just now found out?

CLAIRE

Kyle. No. I’m upset because Maxine’s had kosher hot dogs. The only kosher hot dogs in walking distance of work. Now, if I want a kosher hot dog for lunch, I’ll have to drive somewhere. I – I just don’t know what I’m going to do.

KYLE

Well, be strong.

CLAIRE

Thanks.

(They go back to work. A despondent looking Randy enters. He goes to his desk and starts packing up his briefcase.)

KYLE

Hey, Randy.

RANDY

Hey.

KYLE

You okay, Big Guy?

RANDY

No. I’m not. Just got some bad news, is all.

CLAIRE

You found out about Maxine’s?

RANDY (in pain)

I wish that were the bad news, because this is much worse.

KYLE

You didn’t get let go, did you?

RANDY

I can’t even talk about it.

KYLE

Maybe you should have a seat and tell us about it.

RANDY

I’m too upset to sit. (He sits.) I just want to run home, crawl in to bed, read People magazine and eat ice cream for a week. You invest so much time, so much energy, and for what? You even fall in love a little bit. And for what? For someone to just take it all away. All you have left are your memories. I promised myself I wouldn’t do it, again. But I did. I’m such a sucker.

CLAIRE

Someone broke your heart pretty bad.

RANDY

I’ll say. Damn you, Fox network! (He gets up). Damn you Rupert Murdoch! And to hell with you Joss Whedon. Never again! NEVER…again … I have to go.

(He quickly exits)

KYLE

Was he talking about a TV show being cancelled?

CLAIRE

I feel so sorry for him. I went through the same thing when they cancelled Pushing Daisies. I used up all my sick days that week.

(Randy returns)

RANDY

Forgot my People magazine.

KYLE

I’m glad you’re back because I have something to tell you two. What you consider “bad news” most people consider just a “bummer.” A hot dog stand closing, a show being cancelled, not that big a deal. Inconvenient. Pain in the ass, maybe. Someone dying, losing your job, that’s bad news. Calamities, life altering challenges, brutal acts of God. Bad news.

(Steffen rolls in on his wheel chair. He has severe burn scars on his face and hands.)

CLAIRE

Steffen!

RANDY

Welcome back, Champ!

KYLE

Oh my God, Steffen. You’ve been gone for months. We heard rumors, but, Jesus, what happened to you?

STEFFEN (his speech is slow and slightly slurred)

Hi, guys… Well, I was at home celebrating my birthday with my family when, just before blowing out the candles, I had an aneurism. I started having seizures from a series of strokes. I knocked over the cake and the carpet caught on fire and then the drapes. My house burned down. Everyone was able to get out except for me. I have burns on over 80% of my body. I even burnt my weenie. The doctors don’t think I’ll ever walk again or speak like I used to or be able to have sex. My wife couldn’t handle it, so she took the kids and left. I live at the “Y” now. I shouldn’t be working, but I need the money and the health insurance.

(They are all stunned into silence.)

KYLE

Did you hear about Maxine’s closing?

(Blackout)

MOUSTACHE-A-THON! - I'll give y'all an update tomorrow!

Week Five, Day Thirty - "Termination "

“Termination”
Written by Joe Janes
2/17/09
30 of 365

CAST:
Cliff
Eleanor

(Lights up on Eleanor entering Cliff’s office.)

ELEANOR

You wanted to see me, Cliff?

CLIFF

Yes, Eleanor. Things being how they are, I’m afraid I have to let you go.

ELEANOR

But we’ve only been married two weeks.

(He points to the door. She starts to exit. Lights fade.)

MOUSTACHE-A-THON

Wednesday night (most likely TONIGHT by the time you read this) is the final 826 Moustache-A-Thon event. Big shout out to Team Elwell, Lori Letterhos, Andrew Ettenhoffer and Andy Poland for adding themselves to my elite list of contributors sponsoring Zed and me. If you're in Chicago, the Moustache-A-Thon wraps up at The Globe Pub near the Irving Park brownline stop starting at 7:30pm. It's free to join us and many prizes will be given to hairy and non-hairy people alike.And it's not too late to bolster Zed's self-esteem with your donation by clicking HERE.



THROWING HEAT

So, I'm directing a play about baseball and the media. We had auditions on Sunday and Monday, and I was absolutely blown away by the level of talent wanting to come play with us. We could have cast this show several different ways without a single compromise in quality. I sincerely wish I could have cast everyone. A big thank you to everyone who turned out. You'll hear more about this project as we get closer to the show dates in May.

THE SEAFARER

Holy mother of God, go see this play. One of the best written plays I have seen in awhile. And certainly well done. It's at the Steppenwolf.

Week Five, Day Twenty-Nine - "Public Hair"

“Public Hair”
Written by Joe Janes
2/16/09
29 of 365


DEREK, 30s
MOLLY, 30s
BROOKE, 20s


(Lights up on Molly and Derek sitting in a small café. Derek holds up a glass of wine.)

DEREK

So far, so good.

MOLLY

So far, so good.

(They toast.)

DEREK

I know it’s only been two months, but I feel pretty good about this.

MOLLY

Me, too.

DEREK

Molly, you have been a very pleasant surprise in my life. I wasn’t looking and, poof, you show up. And it’s been great, hasn’t it?

MOLLY

Yes, it’s been great, Derek. Just great.

DEREK

No complaints?

MOLLY

Nope. None. I think everything’s going well.

DEREK

Me, too.

(Brooke enters with their salads.)

BROOKE

Two house salads. Can I bring you anything else?

DEREK

We’re celebrating our two-month anniversary.

BROOKE

You’ve been married two months?

MOLLY

No.

DEREK

Just dating, but who knows…

BROOKE

That’s nice.

DEREK

And neither of us have any complaints about the other.

BROOKE (nods)

Still nice.

(Awkward moment. She exits.)

DEREK

Molly, I know this sounds crazy, but I have to tell you. I feel like I may have found my soul mate.

MOLLY

Brooke, the waitress?

DEREK

No, Silly Bear. You. Don’t you feel the same way?

MOLLY

Soul mate? Yeah. Sure. Sure I do, soul mate.

(Derek touches and stops her forearm as she is in the middle of bringing a fork full of salad to her mouth)

DEREK

I want my brain to take a snapshot and remember this moment forever.

MOLLY

Che-e-e-e-se?

(Derek laughs.)

DEREK

Molly – I know we don’t have any complaints about one another, but let’s play a game. If you did have a complaint about me, what would it be?

MOLLY

Um, well, I don’t know. I’ll tell you what I hate.

DEREK

What?

MOLLY

This… salad. Look. There are so many greens in it, that I have to poke around to find anything else. Like, where’s the baby carrot? I can’t find the baby carrot. It’s like I’m trying to find buried treasure in a thick forest of green pubic hair. You know what I mean?

DEREK

Sure. I guess. I think the analogy broke down a bit, but sure.

MOLLY

Then you agree with my metaphor?

DEREK

Analogy. Yes. Sure. There’s too much pubic hair in my salad.

MOLLY

Then you’ll do something about it?

DEREK

You bet I will. Brooke?

MOLLY

What are you doing?

(Brooke enters.)

BROOKE

Yes?

DEREK

Brooke, our salads have too much pubic hair in them.

BROOKE

What? Are you serious?

MOLLY

No. No, no, Brooke. The salads are fine.

DEREK

Then what were you talking about?

MOLLY

Your pubic hair, Derek. Not the salad. I was using the salad as a metaphor.

DEREK

Analogy.

MOLLY

Whatever. You…You, Derek…Not the salad…have way too much pubic hair.

(Another awkward pause)

BROOKE

I’ll go check on your entrees.

(She exits.)

DEREK

What do you mean I have too much pubic hair? I have just as much as any other man.

MOLLY

That’s actually not true, Derek. Some guys do some “gardening” down there.

DEREK

You want me to shave my junk? Molly, I’m a little uncomfortable taking a blade to that area.

MOLLY

It doesn’t have to be shaving. Trimming. Clipping.

DEREK

I’ve never done that.

MOLLY

No kidding. You shed more than my cat.

DEREK

This really bothers you.

MOLLY

Yes, it does. You see how I keep my…salad.

DEREK

Yes. Very neatly cropped.

MOLLY

I just want some common courtesy.

DEREK

I don’t think I can do a landing strip.

MOLLY

Not asking for anything fancy, Derek. Just, you know, a haircut, but down there.

DEREK

And that’s your only complaint?

MOLLY

The only one.

DEREK

Swearsies?

MOLLY

Swearsies.

DEREK

Then, okay. I’ll do it. Next time you see my salad, you’ll be able to find my…Hey, was the baby carrot my penis?

MOLLY

Like you said, not a perfect analogy.

DEREK

Metaphor. Well, if that’s the only thing keeping us from being happy, I’m in, Silly Bear.

(Brooke enters with their entrees.)

BROOKE (Setting plate in front of Molly.)

Grilled Tuna with Shaved Parmesan. (Sets plate in front of Derek.) Black Forest Ham with Baby Carrots and Extra Chives. Can I get you anything else?

(They don’t answer. They just stare at their food. Awkward pause. Brooke exits.)

MOLLY

And don’t call me Silly Bear.

DEREK

But-

MOLLY

Do it, again, and I’ll stab you with my fork.

DEREK

Okee-dokee.

(They start to eat. Lights fade.)

Week Four, Day Twenty-Eight - "The Spy Who Dated Me"

“THE SPY WHO DATED ME”
Written by Joe Janes
2/15/09
27 of 365

CAST
Michael, mid-40’s
Tracy, mid 40’s
Ludwig, mid-40’s

(Lights up on Michael and Tracy at a café.)


TRACY
Well, this is nice. It’s refreshing to meet someone who actually looks like his photograph.

MICHAEL
Isn’t that the truth? I met someone last week that said she looks ten years younger than she is - probably because the pictures on her profile are from ten years ago.

TRACY
I think the most important quality in a relationship is honesty. And if you don’t have that at the start…

MICHAEL
Then you’re never going to have it.

TRACY
Well, once you catch someone in a lie, you’re always going to wonder if that person is telling the truth.

MICHAEL
I couldn’t agree with you more. Let’s make a deal. Tonight, we tell the absolute truth. No matter what. I can’t think of a better way to get to know someone.

TRACY
I accept. To honesty. (She raises her wine glass and they toast.)

MICHAEL
What do you do for a living?

TRACY
Oh, boring old job. I work at the Chicago Board of Trade as an administrator. I run an office. No big deal. What about you?

MICHAEL
I’m a secret agent.

TRACY
You sell real estate?

MICHAEL
No. Secret agent. As in, I work for the government.

TRACY
If you’re a secret agent, then why are you telling me? Doesn’t make it much of a secret.

MICHAEL
Well, I wanted to be honest with you. Look, Tracy, I know we just met, but I find you attractive, I think there’s some potential here, I don’t want to blow it by lying to you.

TRACY
I see. Well, thank you for your honesty. Do you like your job?

MICHAEL
Very much so. I get to kill people.

TRACY
You get to kill people?

MICHAEL
Bad people, mostly. You know, evil villains. It’s very gratifying.

TRACY
What, you mean, like, you have a license to kill?

MICHAEL
Want to see it? (He takes his license out of his wallet and shows it to her.)

TRACY
Oh, my God…

MICHAEL
I know. Can you believe that mustache? What was I thinking? I made them take the picture twice. Is that vain, or what?

TRACY

I did the same thing with my passport. You’re stuck with it for ten years, you should be happy with it. How long are stuck with that?

MICHAEL
They make us renew it every two years. Have to take an eye exam and everything.

TRACEY
An eye exam?

MICHAEL
Well, you know. Don’t want us killing the wrong person.


TRACY
Are you allowed to be telling me all this stuff on a date?

MICHAEL
Well, to be honest, it is frowned upon by the agency. It can make me vulnerable.

TRACY
Vulnerable can be sexy.

MICHAEL
Tracy. I’m 44. My whole adult life has been nothing but a string of affairs with super models and the kept mistresses of evildoers. It’s time for me to have something, someone, more substantial in my life.

TRACY
How many people have you slept with?

MICHAEL
Oh, I don’t know. Probably 100. 200. It’s on file. How about you?

TRACY
Much less than that.

MICHAEL
I know it seems like a lot. Most were in the line of duty. The men, any way. And that burro.

(Ludwig, an older waiter with a scar and ill-fitting clothes enters and serves them coffee. He speaks with a heavy non-descript foreign accent.)

LUDWIG
Here’s is your coffee.

MICHAEL
We didn’t order any coffee.

LUDWIG
Compliments of the house to the young lovers.

TRACY
That’s sweet.

MICHAEL
Thank you very much…?

LUDWIG
Steve.

MICHAEL
Steve. Do you have any soymilk, Steve? I’m lactose intolerant. There – I’ve never told anyone that on a first date. This is so liberating.

LUDWIG
I’ll be right back.

(He exits.)

TRACY
So, you don’t do dairy.

MICHAEL
I don’t do death. Or dairy, really. Don’t drink it, Tracy. I think it’s poisoned. Smells like arsenic.

TRACY
I think that’s chicory.

(Ludwig returns with soymilk.)

LUDWIG
Here’s is your soymilk, sir.


MICHAEL
We’ll just take the check.

(Michael does some judo-y stuff on Ludwig, ultimately snapping his neck.)

TRACY
It’s okay, everybody! He has a license for this sort of thing!

MICHAEL
I’m sorry our date was interrupted.

TRACY
Do you go through this kind of thing everyday?

MICHAEL
Most everyday. I have Mondays off. When can I see you, again, Tracy?

TRACY
Not when. Where?

MICHAEL
Okay. Where can I see you, again?

(Tracy takes a knife off the table and throws it at Michael’s chest. It hits him.)

TRACY (with a heavy non-descript European accent)
In hell, Michael. In hell. Sorry I lied.

(Michael drops dead. Tracy laughs maniacally. She stops laughing. Exits. Comes back. Puts a few dollars on the table and exits, again. Lights fade.)

Week Four, Day Twenty-Seven -"NPR, Part 3"

“NPR, Part 3”
Written by Joe Janes
2/14/09
27 of 365

CAST:
Carl Kasell

CARL KASELL

Hello, I’m Carl Kasell. News anchor for NPR’s Morning Edition and co-host of Wait, Wait …Don’t Tell Me with Peter Sagal. I have a very urgent message for you about how important listening to NPR is to your life. This is your brain - (whispers) – I’m holding an egg – And this is your brain when you don’t listen to NPR - (whispers) – I’m holding a skillet. Nothing’s happening because without NPR, you don’t even know how to cook an egg. NPR ignites your thirst for knowledge and nourishes your hunger for information. Without it, your IQ drops like a senator’s pants at intern orientation. Without NPR, your intelligence is on the scale somewhere between a single cell organism and a morning zoo dj sidekick. Without NPR, all there is to listen to on the radio is another dance mix carbon copy of a Britney Spears or the blatherings of a pharmaceutically fueled Rush Limbaughphite. Your intellectual curiosity would be forcibly induced into a coma. Fight to keep your brain sharp. Give to this NPR station. Now, the cast of “Wait, Wait” and I are going to eat this egg, because that’s all craft services will provide without your contribution. (We hear the sound of the egg cracking and sizzling in the pan and then scuffling). Get back! Get back, I say! (We hear the bonking sound of a skillet upon skull and someone falling). Oh, no. Peter! Peter! …. Crap. Someone call Richard Roeper.

Week Four, Day Twenty-Six -"NPR, Part 2"

(This is Friday's post. It went up after midnight.)

“NPR, part 2”
Written by Joe Janes
2/13/09
26 of 365

CAST
Scott Simon
Cokie Roberts

(This is an audio piece. We hear slow, sad music playing in the background.)

SCOTT SIMON

I’m Scott Simon of NPR’s Weekend Edition - Saturday. I only work one day a week, which gives me plenty of time to roam these halls. I’m one of the lucky ones. Other NPR reporters spend their time between reports huddling together against the wall for warmth, sifting through office garbage cans for bits of stale donuts or half-eaten mints. They sleep under other people’s desks for shelter during harsh winter nights. For just a few cents a day, you can help us provide nourishing food for them to eat and safe places at night to sleep. A dollar a day will ensure that I’ll be able to wear pants in public. Your donation will sponsor an NPR reporter. In return, we’ll send you a snapshot and a note from a reporter you’ve helped. They’ll also include a personalized note, like this one…

COKIE ROBERTS

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Malatia, My name is Cokie Roberts. Because of your contribution, I’ve been able to bath semi-regularly and keep most of the flies at bay. God bless you and your bank account, Cokie. P.S. Maybe some day you could come visit me and take me out to a nice restaurant or out to buy clothes or both. Or maybe I could just come and live with you.

SCOTT SIMON

Heartbreaking, isn’t it? It doesn’t have to be. Give us enough money and we’ll stop parading our hardships in front of you and let you listen to Car Talk in peace. Please give generously to this NPR station. Give with an open heart and an open wallet. I’m Scott Simon.