Written by Joe Janes
29 of 365
(Lights up on Molly and Derek sitting in a small café. Derek holds up a glass of wine.)
DEREKSo far, so good.
MOLLYSo far, so good.
DEREKI know it’s only been two months, but I feel pretty good about this.
DEREKMolly, you have been a very pleasant surprise in my life. I wasn’t looking and, poof, you show up. And it’s been great, hasn’t it?
MOLLYYes, it’s been great, Derek. Just great.
MOLLYNope. None. I think everything’s going well.
(Brooke enters with their salads.)
BROOKETwo house salads. Can I bring you anything else?
DEREKWe’re celebrating our two-month anniversary.
BROOKEYou’ve been married two months?
DEREKJust dating, but who knows…
DEREKAnd neither of us have any complaints about the other.
BROOKE (nods)Still nice.
(Awkward moment. She exits.)
DEREKMolly, I know this sounds crazy, but I have to tell you. I feel like I may have found my soul mate.
MOLLYBrooke, the waitress?
DEREKNo, Silly Bear. You. Don’t you feel the same way?
MOLLYSoul mate? Yeah. Sure. Sure I do, soul mate.
(Derek touches and stops her forearm as she is in the middle of bringing a fork full of salad to her mouth)
DEREKI want my brain to take a snapshot and remember this moment forever.
DEREKMolly – I know we don’t have any complaints about one another, but let’s play a game. If you did have a complaint about me, what would it be?
MOLLYUm, well, I don’t know. I’ll tell you what I hate.
MOLLYThis… salad. Look. There are so many greens in it, that I have to poke around to find anything else. Like, where’s the baby carrot? I can’t find the baby carrot. It’s like I’m trying to find buried treasure in a thick forest of green pubic hair. You know what I mean?
DEREKSure. I guess. I think the analogy broke down a bit, but sure.
MOLLYThen you agree with my metaphor?
DEREKAnalogy. Yes. Sure. There’s too much pubic hair in my salad.
MOLLYThen you’ll do something about it?
DEREKYou bet I will. Brooke?
MOLLYWhat are you doing?
DEREKBrooke, our salads have too much pubic hair in them.
BROOKEWhat? Are you serious?
MOLLYNo. No, no, Brooke. The salads are fine.
DEREKThen what were you talking about?
MOLLYYour pubic hair, Derek. Not the salad. I was using the salad as a metaphor.
MOLLYWhatever. You…You, Derek…Not the salad…have way too much pubic hair.
(Another awkward pause)
BROOKEI’ll go check on your entrees.
DEREKWhat do you mean I have too much pubic hair? I have just as much as any other man.
MOLLYThat’s actually not true, Derek. Some guys do some “gardening” down there.
DEREKYou want me to shave my junk? Molly, I’m a little uncomfortable taking a blade to that area.
MOLLYIt doesn’t have to be shaving. Trimming. Clipping.
DEREKI’ve never done that.
MOLLYNo kidding. You shed more than my cat.
DEREKThis really bothers you.
MOLLYYes, it does. You see how I keep my…salad.
DEREKYes. Very neatly cropped.
MOLLYI just want some common courtesy.
DEREKI don’t think I can do a landing strip.
MOLLYNot asking for anything fancy, Derek. Just, you know, a haircut, but down there.
DEREKAnd that’s your only complaint?
MOLLYThe only one.
DEREKThen, okay. I’ll do it. Next time you see my salad, you’ll be able to find my…Hey, was the baby carrot my penis?
MOLLYLike you said, not a perfect analogy.
DEREKMetaphor. Well, if that’s the only thing keeping us from being happy, I’m in, Silly Bear.
(Brooke enters with their entrees.)
BROOKE (Setting plate in front of Molly.)Grilled Tuna with Shaved Parmesan. (Sets plate in front of Derek.) Black Forest Ham with Baby Carrots and Extra Chives. Can I get you anything else?
(They don’t answer. They just stare at their food. Awkward pause. Brooke exits.)
MOLLYAnd don’t call me Silly Bear.
MOLLYDo it, again, and I’ll stab you with my fork.
(They start to eat. Lights fade.)