Written by Joe Janes
10/7/09
262 of 365
CAST
Rachel, 20s
Mitch, 20s
Dahlmer, 20s
Sgt. O’Neill, 30s
(Lights up on Rachel, O’Neill and Mitch pinned down against the base of dirt hill in the desert. They are surrounded by gunfire and sporadically return fire. Rachel is trying to reach command on a GPS phone.)
RACHEL
Command…Come in command…Command…
O’NEILL
No luck, Rachel?
RACHEL
None, Sir. Just shit, Sir.
O’NEILL
Give it a rest and help us return fire.
MITCH
Here comes, Dahlmer!
O’NEILL
Cover him!
(They all shoot over the hill as Dahlmer comes scrambling over. Once he is safe, they all turn to help him. He is out of breath.)
O”NEILL
What’s it look like out there, lieutenant?
DAHLMER
We’re fucked, Sir. Surrounded to the North, East and West. And they’re closing on to the South of us.
RACHEL
Mother fuck.
MITCH
Seconded.
O’NEILL
Ammo and supplies. What do we have?
(They all start piling what they have on the ground between them.)
RACHEL
Two clips, one grenade.
MITCH
Two clips. Canteen. Not much left.
DAHLMER
One clip. One grenade. And I’ve got my knife.
O’NEILL (emptying his pockets)
I have two clips, my knife, and my lighter.
DAHLMER (he picks it up)
That’s a nice lighter.
O’NEILL
It was a gift.
DAHLMER
“You carry the light that ignites the fire in my heart.” Signed “C.”
RACHEL
Pretty saucy, Sir.
MITCH
Is that from Mrs. O’Neill?
O’NEILL
There is no Mrs. O’Neill.
DAHLMER
Is it your lover?
O’NEILL
You could say that. We’d be married, if we could.
RACHEL
This keeps getting hotter. Is she the general’s daughter or something naughty like that?
O’NEILL (taking back lighter)
The “C” stands for Chuck.
(There is a slight pause as this registers. Mitch holds his ears and starts rocking.)
MITCH
I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask.
(Rachel smacks him on the shoulder.)
RACHEL
Knock it off, butthead.
DAHLMER
You’re gay?
O’NEILL (loading his gun)
I’m gay.
MITCH
Now, I have to tell.
RACHEL
“Don’t ask, don’t tell.”
MITCH
That’s not for me. I didn’t ask and he told me anyway.
DAHLMER
You’re gay?
O’NEILL
Still “yes.” Load your weapons, men. We’re going to hold our ground as long as we can. Maybe we’ll get air support. (He looks over the hill and returns some fire.) Am I doing this by myself or are you guys going to pitch in and shoot some bad guys?
(Rachel joins him.)
MITCH
I can’t do this. I can’t fight side-by-side with a homosexual.
O’NEILL
You didn’t have a problem with it before you knew I was a homosexual.
MITCH
Right! Before you told me. Now all I can think about is you naked having sex with men.
O’NEILL
Not my problem.
DAHLMER
Who’s he having sex with?
MITCH
You.
DAHLMER
Me? Why are you having sex with me?
O’NEILL
Really not my type, Dahlmer.
MITCH
He’s gay. He’ll screw anything. He’s probably lusting after me, right now.
O’NEILL
Actually, that’s not true. I don’t screw women and right now you two look like the biggest pussies I’ve ever met.
RACHEL
Besides, you two idiots don’t realize that you’ve been fighting side-by-side with lots of gay soldiers. You just don’t notice it because they’re more focused on being soldiers than buggering your fat asses.
(Dahlmer loads his gun and joins Rachel and O’Neill.)
DAHLMER
No one’s going to do me in the behind. I’m a top.
(He and O’Neill exchange man nods.)
MITCH
Cheez Louise, are Rachel and I the only normal heterosexuals in this company. (Rachel looks at him between shots and winks.) You too! That explains why you wouldn’t sleep with me.
RACHEL
There are other reasons, but that’s the main one. I don’t do penis.
O’NEILL
You gonna help us out, Mitch or not?
MITCH
Why, Sarge, why? Why did you have to tell us?
(O’Neill comes down and gets in Mitch’s face.)
O’NEILL
I put my life on the line for you. I’ve pulled your ass out of the fire on more than one occasion. You’ve saved mine, too. We’re pinned. We’re fucked. We might just die here today. I wanted you to know because it’s who I am. And it doesn’t change the way I fight or the way I serve our country. The people shooting at us and the bullets flying out of their guns don’t care who’s straight of who’s gay over here. If we’re going to survive this thing, we need to do it together. And if we’re going to die, I’d rather do that together, too. Fuck ‘em.
(Mitch loads his gun.)
MITCH
Fuck ‘em.
(Mitch returns fire, O’Neill returns to his position. A grenade lands on the ground at their feet.)
MITCH
Somebody jump on it!
RACHEL
You jump on it!
MITCH
I’m straight. I want to have kids. Someone gay jump on it.
DAHLMER
Fuck you. I want to adopt.
MITCH
What a horrible thing to do to a child.
(O’Neill takes off his helmet and puts it over the grenade, holding it down with his weight. It explodes. When everything clears, we see the four in rather compromising positions. Dahlmer is bent over with Rachel behind him her hips to his buns. Mitch’s face is in O’Neill’s crotch.)
O’NEILL
Mitch…Mitch…
(Mitch screams and comes to. We hear a helicopter overhead firing at the enemy.)
RACHEL
Hey, it’s one of ours.
DAHLMER
The assholes are running. We’re gonna get out of this.
O’NEIL
Mitch. You can detach your face from my crotch.
MITCH (sitting up quickly)
Don’t tell anyone.
(Blackout.)
