Week 51, Day 352 - "Hi-Def"

“Hi-Def”

Written by Joe Janes

1/5/10

352 of 365

Cast:

Kevin, 30s

Marcia, 30s

(Lights up on Kevin downstage carefully wiping off what appears to be a large screen with a cloth.)

KEVIN

Marcia! Marcia, come here!

(Marcia enters with a bowl of popcorn.)

MARCIA

What, Kevin.

KEVIN

Look at this. Look how clear it is. And the depth. I can see every detail. I can see dewdrops on the leaves. Look at the pores on that guy’s face. I can almost feel the wind blowing through the trees. This is amazing.

MARCIA

Yep. Amazing. You should clean the windows more often. Let’s go watch the Nature Channel.

(She exits. Blackout.)

Week 50, Day 350 - "Blockbusted"

“Blockbusted”

Written by Joe Janes

1/3/10

350 of 365

Cast:

Blockbuster Manager. 30s

Joe, 20s

(Lights up on manager and Joe in office. The manager is looking over paper work.)

MANAGER

Well, Joe, we’ve processed all your information. We’re very excited that you applied to work for Blockbuster.

JOE

Just happy to have a job, Sir. When do I start?

MANAGER

Unfortunately, there’s a problem with your drug test.

JOE

I don’t do drugs.

MANAGER

That’s the problem. (Takes out a joint.) If you’re going to work crap hours at shit pay, we need people who are as stoned as possible. (Lights it and takes a toke.) Sorry. (Offers it to Joe. Joe shakes his head.)

(Blackout.)

Week 48, Day 336 - "Jock Itch"

“Jock Itch”

Written by Joe Janes

12/20/09

336 of 365

Cast:

Pharmacist Phil, 50s

Curt, 17

(Lights up on Pharmacist Phil in a lab coat behind a counter filling a prescription. Curt, in a varsity jacket, hesitantly approaches.)

CURT

Excuse me?

PHIL

Yes?

(Curt beckons him to come closer so he doesn’t have to speak so loud.)

CURT

Do you have anything for jock itch?

PHIL

Jock scratch?

(Curt looks at him puzzled, but then starts to scratch himself.)

CURT

Thank you.

PHIL

You’re welcome.

(Blackout.)

Week 47, Day 324 - "OBGYN - Detroit"

“OBGYN-Detroit”
Written by Joe Janes
12/8/09
324 of 365

Cast
Dr. James, 40s
Etta, 20s

(Lights up on Etta on an examining table covered with a sheet and her legs in stirrups. Dr. James is at the business end of the table, examining her.)

DR. JAMES

Well, Etta. I think you’ve made a wise decision to keep the baby. Raising a child can be difficult, especially in Detroit. But with the right home environment- Oh. I have more news.

(Two handguns come out from under the sheet, pointing at the doctor’s face.)

ETTA

What is it, Dr. James?

DR. JAMES

Twins.

(He slowly backs away with is hands up. Blackout.)

Week 46, Day 318 - "The Food Chain"

“The Food Chain”

Written by Joe Janes

12/2/09

318 of 365

Cast

Bunny

Carrot

(Lights up on a large carrot with its greens lying on the ground all by itself. We hear some lovely springtime music. An adorable bunny rabbit pokes his head out from offstage having caught the scent of the carrot. He sees the carrot and retreats. He slyly peeks out once more and retreats. He bounds out and hops a few steps towards the carrot. He stops and stands up on his hind legs and looks about. He then looks at the carrot. Have I mentioned just how frickin’ adorable this bunny is? The bunny, in little hops, gets right on top of the carrot and picks it. In little delicious, joyful nibbles, he eats the entire carrot, except for the very top and the greens. He drops the greens and smiles about how his tummy is now filled with yummy carroty goodness. He hops off quite likely singing to himself, “Tra-la-la-la-la.” A giant carrot stops out. The music stops cold. The giant carrot sees the smaller carrots remains and falls to his knees.)

CARROT

Why, God, why!?!

(Blackout.)

Week 42, Day 290 - "Social Issues I & II"

“Social Issues I & II”

Written by Joe Janes

11/4/09

290 of 365

CAST:

Steve, 50s

Alan, 30s

(Lights up on Steve standing near two chairs that face one another, but are comfortably spaced. He is writing in a note pad. Alan walks in.)

ALAN

Dr. Morgan?

STEVE

Alan, come on in. Nice to meet you. Call me Steve. Have a seat. (Steve takes a seat. Alan remains standing.) I’m just finishing up a few notes. Now, you mentioned over the phone that you’re having problems with intimacy.

(Alan takes the remaining chair and moves it as far as possible into the upstage right corner of the stage and has a seat.)

ALAN

Yes.

(Blackout)

PART II

(Lights up on Alan sitting in a chair center stage in profile. Steve is straddling him and has his face nose-to-nose with Alan’s face.)

STEVE

I think we’ve made tremendous progress in a short period of time, don’t you, Alan?

(Alan takes a dollar bill and slips it into Steve belt.)

STEVE (continuing)

Please stop paying me in singles.

(Blackout)

Week 39, Day 270 - "Chicago"

“Chicago”

Written by Joe Janes

10/15/09

270 of 365

CAST

Roger, 30s

Judy, 30s

(We hear a cold wind. Lights up to dim on Roger and Judy in parkas sitting outside. They sit for a moment, stoically enduring the cold. As if with the flick of a switch, the light gets bright and we hear a high-energy summery song, like something from The Beach Boys or CCR or Jimmy Buffet. Roger and Judy quickly strip off their parkas revealing loud, colorful summer wear, like Hawaiian shirts and khakis. They quickly play with a beach ball, squirt each other with water guns, barbeque up some hot dogs and pop open some beers, wiping the sweat off their brows. This all happens in about 20-30 seconds. The light flips back to dim, the music cuts out replaced by wind and they quickly put their parks back on and sit.)

JUDY

People ask me why I live in Chicago.

ROGER

I tell them it's because I love the seasons.

JUDY

Both of them.

(Blackout)

Week 35, Day 244 - “Late"

“Late”

Written by Joe Janes

9/19/09

244 of 365

CAST:

Funeral Director, 50s

Minister, 50s

Widow, 40s

Daughter, teens

Grandmother, 60s

Derek, 40s

(Lights up on a funeral home. We hear organ music playing lightly in the background. A grieving family is gathered around the “casket” – four chairs lined up downstage. The minister is consoling the crying widow. Her daughter is to her side. Her grandmother stands next to her, sobbing with one hand on the coffin. The widow looks at her watch and looks over at the funeral director who shrugs slightly. Derek enters with a to go cup of coffee.)

DEREK

I am so sorry.

(He finishes off the coffee and hands the empty to the funeral director.)

DEREK (continuing)

Really. You wouldn’t believe what I had to go through to get here.

(He kisses the grandmother on the cheek, touches the daughter on the shoulder, sheepishly shrugs to the widow.)

DEREK

Well, I’m here, now. That’s the important thing, right?

(He straightens his tie and steps over the back of the “chairs” and into the coffin and lies down. Dead.)

WIDOW

I knew it. Late to his own funeral.

(Blackout.)

Week 35, Day 239 - "Like A Baby"

“Like A Baby”

Written by Joe Janes

9/14/09

239 of 365

Cast:

Ernest, 60s

Wanda, 60s

(Lights up on Ernest and Wanda at the breakfast table. Wanda sits in a bathrobe, slumped over a cup of coffee and a newspaper. Ernest sits next to her, also in a bathrobe, smiling brightly.)

WANDA

How did you sleep last night?

ERNEST

Like a baby!

(Wanda sniffs the air. Smells something foul. Looks at Ernest who nods, still smiling. Wanda shakes her head in disgust. Lights fade.)

Week 31, Day 216 -“A Member of the Church of God”

“A Member of the Church of God”

Written by Joe Janes

8/22/09

216 of 365

CAST

Yvonne, 40s

Larry, 40s

Mikey, 6

(Lights up on Yvonne and Larry sitting in their living room. On the floor, Mikey draws on a piece of paper.)

YVONNE

I don’t see why God can’t be a woman.

LARRY

God created ”man” in “his” image.

YVONNE

Just because they don’t have gender-neutral pronouns in the Bible, doesn’t mean God is not a woman. Or, for that matter, gender-neutral. Why does God have to be anything?

LARRY

God is a man. Jesus was a man. Our minister is a man. God is a man.

YVONNE

Whatever. (She sighs.) What are you drawing there, Mikey?

MIKEY (showing his parents)

It’s a picture of God… and that’s his penis.

(Yvonne glares at Larry. Larry grabs the drawing and crumples it up embarrassed. Mikey has no idea what just happened. Blackout.)

Week 28, Day 195 - "New York, New York"

“New York, New York”
Written by Joe Janes
8/1/09
195 of 365

CAST
Louise, 30s
Robert, 30s

(Lights up on Robert and Louise with cameras and taking in all the bright lights and large billboards of Times Square.)

LOUISE

I love New York, Robert.

ROBERT

It’s like no other place on the planet.

LOUISE

I want to see the Statue of Liberty, go to the top of the Empire State Building, and go see a Broadway musical. All the things New Yorkers do.

ROBERT

When in Rome…

LOUISE

Let’s get some authentic New York cuisine first.

ROBERT

Hey, there’s an Applebees.

LOUISE

Perfect.

(Blackout)

Week 21, Day 143 - “Extraction Number Two”

“Extraction Number Two”
Written by Joe Janes
6/10/09
143 of 365

CAST:
Dr. Richards, 20s
Joe, 40s

(Lights up on a dentist’s office. Dr. Richards finishes looking in Joe’s mouth.)

JOE

What’s the verdict, Dr. Richards?

DR. RICHARDS

Well, Joe. Tooth Number Two is definitely fractured. Half of the tooth is dead. We have three options. We do a root canal and put a crown on it, which will be about fifteen hundred dollars and no guarantee that it will work.

JOE

Yikes.

DR. RICHARDS

Option two is we do an extraction for about two hundred dollars.

JOE

Is option three the affordable one?

DR. RICHARDS

It is.

JOE

I’ll take that one.

(Dr. Richards pulls a hammer out of her lab coat.)

DR. RICHARDS

Meet me in the alley. Bring ten bucks.

(Blackout)

Week 15, Day 103 - "Background Check'"

(This is Friday's sketch, posted after midnight)

“Background Check”
Written by Joe Janes
5/1/09
103 of 365

CAST
AGENT WILKINS
AGENT DARNELL
NUMBER 18

(Lights up on Number 18 strapped to a board and having water poured onto his face by Agent Wilkins while Agent Darnell holds Number 18’s head.)

AGENT WILKINS

Who did you work for?

AGENT DARNELL

Tell us or we won’t stop.

AGENT WILKINS

Who did you work for!

NUMBER 18

Okay! Okay! I’ll tell you. Please stop, I'll tell you.

(The two agents stop their torturing.)

AGENT DARNELL

Okay. Talk.

NUMBER 18

After college, I worked at a security firm, Lester Security Systems, in Des Moines, for three years.

AGENT WILKINS

Okay. Very good.

AGENT DARNELL

We’ll keep your resume on file.

AGENT WILKINS

We’re always looking for good people at the CIA, but I have to tell you, the fact that you gave up the information we wanted to know, doesn’t look good.

AGENT DARNELL

But it was your 183rd “interview,” so we’ll take that into consideration.

(Blackout)

Week 15, Day 101 - "Dum-Dums"

“Dum-Dums”
Written by Joe Janes
4/29/09
101 of 365

CAST:
Rudy, 20s
Ryan, 40s

(Lights up on Rudy waiting for a bus. Rudy is on his cell phone. Ryan is watching him.)

RUDY (on phone)

Still waiting on the bus, Liz. As soon as it gets here, I’m heading straight home. Yeah, it’s been a long day. See you soon. Love you.

(He puts his phone away.)

RYAN

Hey, man. I’m running late. Can I use your phone to call my wife?

RUDY

Uh, no. Sorry. The batteries running low. I just turned it off.

(Ryan pulls out a gun.)

RYAN

Then how about I take your wallet? I’ll go by me a phone.

RUDY

Why you little snot. I may be older than you, but I’m bigger could beat the tar out of you.

RYAN

Good thing I have a gun and you have a brain. Now, let me have your wallet.

(Rudy hands Ryan a wallet. Ryan takes it and throws it away.)

RUDY

Hey, what did you do that for?

RYAN

Because that was your fake “just in case I get mugged” wallet.

RUDY

How did you know that?

RYAN

It’s thin, cheap, came out of your jacket and you gave it up all too quickly.

RUDY

Fine. Here.

(Rudy hands Ryan his real, more substantial wallet.)

RYAN

That’s more like it. Can’t believe you think I’m stupid enough to fall for a decoy wallet.

RUDY

You know, armed robbery is an automatic prison sentence.

RYAN

It is if the gun is real.

(Ryan makes some clicking sounds with it showing it’s just a plastic toy. They realize what he just did and Ryan bolts off stage with Rudy in quick pursuit. Blackout)

Week 12, Day 84 - “The Tip, Or Lack Thereof”

“The Tip, Or Lack Thereof”
Written by Joe Janes
4/12/09
84 of 365

CAST:
Customer
Waiter

(Lights up on a waiter picking up the check from the table of a customer. The waiter notices a small business-like card with the money.)

WAITER

What’s this?

CUSTOMER

That explains why I am not tipping you.

WAITER

Did you have a problem with the service?

CUSTOMER

I am not tipping you, as the card explains, because I do not believe in tipping. I believe in paying the price on the menu for my food. If the restaurant wants you to get part of it, they should charge me more and give you a higher wage.

WAITER

Tipping is the way the restaurant keeps cost down and I make a living.

CUSTOMER

I do not believe in it.

WAITER

Yeah, well, I don’t believe in assholes, but guess what?

(Blackout)

Week 12, Day 79 - “April Showers”

“April Showers”
Written by Joe Janes
4/7/09
79 of 365

CAST
Mother, 30s
Daughter, 12
Father, 30s

(Lights up on a mother and young daughter standing outside a door. Inside we hear horrible sounds of a man in pain. Crying, wailing, gnashing of teeth, some throwing of things about, fists pounding on hard surfaces, some settling down, panting, slowing, sniffing, throat clearing, silence, a sigh of relief. An envelope slides out from under the door. The mother picks it up. The daughter puts a stamp on it.)

MOTHER

Honey. Don’t forget to do the state taxes.

(More intense wailing and thrashing about as lights fade.)

Week 11, Day 77 - “The Customer Is Always Right”

“The Customer Is Always Right”
Written by Joe Janes
4/5/09
77 of 365

CAST:
Well-Dressed Man
Waiter

(Lights up on a waiter taking an order from a customer.)

WAITER

Hi, welcome to—

WELL-DRESSED MAN

I know exactly what I want. I’ll have the Famous Chopped Salad.

WAITER (starting to walk away)
Very well---

WELL-DRESSED MAN

Hold the scallions, hold the bacon, no cheese, no chicken, and instead of dressing, I’ll just use a lemon wedge.

WAITER
Are you sure you---?

WELL-DRESSED MAN

Please. I am the customer. I know what I want.

WAITER
Very well.

(The waiter exits and returns with a head of lettuce. He sets it down in front of the customer. And then puts a lemon wedge next to it.)

WAITER
Can I bring you anything else?

(Blackout.)

Week Six, Day Thirty-Nine - "The Third One"

“The Third One”
Written by Joe Janes
2/26/09
39 out of 365

CAST:
Archie
Sidney

(Archie and Sidney are playing rock, paper, scissors.)

ARCHIE & SIDNEY

One-Two-Three!

ARCHIE

Paper covers rock.

ARCHIE & SIDNEY

One-Two-Three!

ARCHIE

Rock breaks scissors.

ARCHIE & SIDNEY

One-Two-Three!

(Archie plays “rock.” Sidney has made a gun with his or her hand. Archie looks puzzled. He “shoots” and we hear a gunshot sound. Archie falls to the ground.)

SIDNEY

Gun shoots rock.

(Sidney blows off the tip of his/her gun. Lights out.)

Week Five, Day Thirty-Three - "Seuss Club"

“Seuss Club”
Written by Joe Janes
2/20/09
33 of 365

CAST:
Ed Norton
Brad Pitt
Helena Bonham Carter

(Lights up on Ed Norton wearing a disheveled suit and tie. He sits in a chair center stage and has a black eye. Stage left is a flamboyantly dressed Brad Pitt and a punky looking Helena Bonham Carter making out. Ed Norton holds a handgun. On the end of the gun is a small pink puff.)

ED NORTON

The first rule of Seuss Club is - you do not talk about Whoville. The second rule of Seuss Club is - you DO NOT talk about Whoville.

(He sticks the puffy pink end of the gun in his mouth. Lights fade. If there is a video screen, the following graphic should appear, very simply, white lettering on black background, “Ed Norton Hears a Who” then underneath “coming this summer”. If there is no video screen, revealing a title card is fine. This should be silent. THERE SHOULD BE NO VOICE-OVER.)

Week Five, Day Thirty-Two - "Mercury Poisoning"

“Mercury Poisoning”
Written by Joe Janes
2/19/09
32 of 365

CAST:
KRISTI, early 20s
JESSICA, early 20s
DR. PHYLLIS CUNNINGHAM, 40s

(Lights up on two female college theater majors seated on a bench.)

KRISTI

I can’t believe our acting teacher had the nerve to tell me he didn’t believe us in our scene.

JESSICA

I know! Like he has any idea what it’s like to be two forty-five year old widowed Irish housewives with kids looking for love.

KRISTI

I know! Not like his loins have been open for business in, oh, two decades.

(Dr. Phyllis Cunningham enters in lab coat with clipboard.)

DR. PHYLLIS

Kristi, I’ve been all through your tests. I can’t find anything wrong with you. To be honest, I’m having a hard time believing anything is wrong with you.

KRISTI

You, too? Screw it! I’m going to Devry.

(She exits. Blackout)

THE DEVOLUTION OF ZED

The Final Hour

Joe Janes, P.I.

The Chaplin (All right, The Hitler! Dude ruined it for everyone.)

Zed Is Dead, Baby. Zed Is Dead.

Zed died a slow and taunting death. He was followed quickly by his sideburn brothers, Daryl and Daryl. Mourners are asked not to send flowers, but to contribute in Zed's name to 826-Chi. Sponsorships of Zed, albeit just in memory, will be accepted through Tuesday and can be done by clicking HERE.


Shout out to Mary Lorenz and Bob Wilson for supporting me and the Zed. And to Jenny and Jeannie for making an appearance at The Globe for the final night of Moustache-A-Thon.