Week 51, Day 351 - "Polka Dots and Moonbeams"

“Polka Dots and Moonbeams”

Written by Joe Janes

1/4/10

351 of 365

Cast:

Princess Peanut, 20s

Felicia, 20s

Freddie, 20s

Fergie, 20s

Fernando, 20s

(Lights up on flowers Felicia, Freddie and Fergie enjoying the sun coming up on their faces. Princess Peanut enters with a watering can and large sheers.)

PRINCESS

Good morning, flowers!

FLOWERS ALL

Good morning, Princess Peanut!

PRINCESS

What a lovely day it is today.

FELICIA

It truly is a lovely day. The sun is on my face and I feel so alive.

PRINCESS

And you look so pretty, Felicia.

FELICIA

Thank you, Princess Peanut.

FREDDIE

I, too, appreciate this lovely day. And everyone smells so delightful. Even me!

PRINCESS

Yes, you do, Freddie. You smell so fresh and pretty.

FREDDIE

Thank you, Princess Peanut.

(Fergie sighs a big sigh.)

PRINCESS

What’s the matter, Fergie? You’re the tallest and prettiest flower of them all.

FERGIE

Thank you, Princess Peanut. I was just thinking.

PRINCESS

About what, Fergie?

FERGIE

Oh, nothing.

PRINCESS

I think we’d all like to know, wouldn’t we?

(All the Felicia and Freddie chime in with “yeses” and “sures.”)

FERGIE

I miss Fernando.

FELICIA

We all miss Fernando.

FREDDIE

I admire Fernando. One day, he is standing right next to me, the next day, he is riding in your loverly buttercup hair, Princess.

PRINCESS

Fernando is in a happy place, now.

FELICIA

The garden on the castle’s roof?

PRINCESS

Yes. Exactly. He is there with all the other flowers that have come from this garden. You should be happy for Fernando, Fergie.

FERGIE

I guess. We’re flowers, right?

FELICIA

The prettiest flowers in the land!

FREDDIE

None prettier.

PRINCESS

I have to agree with Felicia and Freddie.

FERGIE

And what does one do with flowers?

PRINCESS

Well, Fergie. I water you and take care of you. And I admire how pretty you all are. And then I move you to a better place.

(All the flowers except Fergie cheer.)

FERGIE

Sure, sure. But then what?

PRINCESS

I’m not sure what you mean.

(Fernando, the stub of a flower rises from the dirt.)

FERNANDO

I know what petal face means.

FELICIA

It’s a monster!

FERNANDO

I am no monster.

PRINCESS

Must be a pesky weed. I’ll just pull it-

FERNANDO

I am no weed. I am one of you.

FERGIE

Fernando!

FREDDIE

Impossible. It can’t be. Is it? Fernando?

FERNANDO

I am what is left of Fernando. Princess Peanut picked the flower, but left the roots. And I know. I know what happens to the flowers, Princess Peanut.

PRIINCESS

Well, then, perhaps you should explain it to the rest of us, Fernando. If that’s really who you are. Although the Fernando I knew was handsome.

FERNANDO (to the flowers)

You’re new. You’re young. You’re pretty. I was pretty.

FERGIE

It’s not going to be like this forever, is it?

PRINCESS

What makes you think of such things?

FELICIA

I don’t. I don’t think about anything, Princess Peanut.

PRINCESS

Good for you, Felicia.

FREDDIE

I didn’t think about it until now. What exactly do you plan to do with us, Princess?

FERNANDO

Tell them the truth.

PRINCESS

Well, I was going to gather you all up and bring you inside to enjoy sitting in a vase on my dinner table.

FELICIA

You’re going to eat us?

PRINCESS

No, no, Felicia. I won’t eat you. I just think you’ll look pretty there.

FELICIA

I think I look pretty here.

PRINCESS

The truth is, Fernando and Fergie are right. This doesn’t last forever. Sooner or later, I have to pick you. If I don’t, you’ll just die where you are. (Looking at Fernando) Eventually.

FREDDIE

If you pick us, we don’t die?

FERNANDO

You die that way, too.

PRINCESS

Just with more dignity.

FERNANDO

Until you start to droop and get throw you out with the trash.

PRINCESS

But you’ll be dead and very unaware by that time.

FERNANDO

Fernando was not unaware. We were connected. I could feel his silent screams as his stem and flowers dried up and turned to rot.

FELICIA

I don’t want to die that way.

FERNANDO

We don’t have to. Aha! (He holds up the pair of large sheers Princess Peanut left on the ground.) We can cut our selves loose and run for freedom. (He cuts himself free and passes the sheers along.)

PRINCESS

No. You can’t leave. I have guests coming over for dinner tonight. I won’t let you leave.

FERGIE

You don’t want to get in our way.

FREDDIE

Get her!

(The all rush toward her and fall to the ground.)

FERNANDO

That was a bad idea.

(Blackout.)

Week 35, Day 245 - “Pinocchio"

“Pinocchio”

Written by Joe Janes

3/20/09

245 of 365

CAST

Pinocchio, 5

Geppetto, 60s

Figaro, 5

Jiminy, 30

Blue Fairy, 50

(Lights up on Geppetto putting the finishing touches on his new wooden puppet, Pinocchio. Figaro sleeps near his feet. Jiminy Cricket appears downstage.)

JIMINY

Oh, hi there. My name’s Jiminy. Jiminy Cricket. And I’m here to tell you about my good friend, Pinocchio. One starry night, I was walking past old man Geppetto’s toyshop when I saw the most amazing thing.

GEPPETTO

Just a little more paint, Figaro, and my puppet will be finished.

FIGARO

Meow.

GEPPETTO

There! Now, isn’t that nice?

FIGARO

Meow.

GEPPETTO

Oh, how I wish it were a real boy. I’d like to have a son. Never was quite able to master that “courting women” thing. But, a boy. Someone to teach my craft to, someone to give my love to, someone to claim as a dependent. Someone to clean my shop for free. You know what I’m going to call him? Pinocchio. You like that name, Figaro?

FIGARO

Meow.

GEPPETTO

Yeah. Me, too. Sounds like a card game. Maybe I’ll come up with a better name tomorrow. Maybe Lance or Ed. Oh, well, I’m sleepy. I’m an old man. I go eat a big ham sandwich and go to the bed.

(Geppetto exits. Figaro follows.)

FIGARO

Meow.

JIMINY

Geppetto went to bed and I got a closer look at Pinocchio. Red lederhosen and a yellow cap. What evil, twisted things did this Geppetto have planned? Suddenly, the room filled with a blue light.

(The Blue Fairy, a Chicago cop wearing a tutu enters.)

BLUE

Okay, Cockroach. Back away from the puppet, slowly now.

JIMINY

I’m not a cockroach. I’m a cricket.

BLUE

What’s the difference?

JIMINY

Well, for one thing, I chirp!

BLUE
Whoop-de-doo, a loud cockroach.

JIMINY

Just who the heck are you supposed to be with your shiny badge and big wings?

BLUE

I’m a cop. And I happen to be a fairy. Let’s leave it at that.

JIMINY

Am I in some kind of trouble?

BLUE

Do you live here?

JIMINY

No.

BLUE

Then you are in some kind of trouble. Stick around. I’ve got other business to tend to first.

(The Blue Fairy touches Pinocchio’s head with his magic nightstick.)

JIMINY

Then the Blue Fairy took his magic nightstick and touched Pinocchio’s head with it.

BLUE

Hey. Stuff a sock in it, and watch that fairy talk.

PINOCCHIO

What, oh, Lordy, my head. Hey, I can talk! I’m alive! I know words!

BLUE

That’s right, Pinocchio. I have given you life.

PINOCCHIO

Am I a real boy?

BLUE

No. You’re still just pieces of wood put together with an IKEA Alan wrench. You can become a boy, though. You must prove yourself brave, truthful and unselfish.

PINOCCHIO

Well, being wooden isn’t all that bad, I guess.

BLUE

Don’t you want to even try to become real?

PINOCCHIO

Not really? Sounds like a lot of hard work. Besides, I’ll last longer and never have to worry about eating or pooping.

JIMINY

Gotta side with the wood on that one.

PINOCCHIO

Ew! A cockroach!

JIMINY

Cricket, thank you.

PINOCCHIO

What’s the difference?

JIMINY

I have a hat. And I have the adorable name of Jiminy. Cockroaches have zero flair. And most of them are named Stan. If you had a conscience, you’d be a little more polite about such sensitive issues.

BLUE

There you go, Jiminy Cricket. I’ll let you off the hook for breaking and entering Geppetto’s Toy Shop if you help the puppet here become a boy. Be his conscience for him.

JIMINY

Crap on me.

BLUE

It’s settled then. Stay out of trouble, Pinocchio. If you don’t, I’ll be back.

PINOCCHIO

Bye, Blue.

JIMINY

Bye, Officer.

(Blue exits. Geppetto enters brandishing a baseball bat.)

GEPPETTO

What’s going on out here?

PINOCCHIO

Father!

GEPPETTO

Oh! My heart!

(Geppetto clutches his chest and falls to the floor. Dead.)

JIMINY

Oh, no! He’s dead.

PINOCCHIO

This is the worst day of my entire life.

JIMINY

I don’t see how things could get any worse.

(Figaro walks in upright eating a ham sandwich. Figaro sees Jiminy, drops the sandwich and switches into full on cat attack mode, growling. Figaro grabs Jiminy and drags him off.)

JIMINY

Help, Pinocchio! Help me! He’s got my head in his mouth! (We hear a large crunch sound.)

PINOCCHIO

Jiminy Cockroach! I’ll save you!

(Pinocchio grabs the baseball bat and runs off. We hear him beating Figaro to a pulp. Pinocchio comes back in covered in blood and bits of fur, The Blue Fairy returns.)

BLUE

All right, wood boy. Step away from the body.

PINOCCHIO

I didn’t do anything, honest.

BLUE

Honest? Ha. Three dead bodies, you covered in blood and holding some wooden phallus. Should have trusted my gut about the red lederhosen. No one sane wears red lederhosen.

PINOCCHIO

What will happen to me, now?

BLUE

That’s up to the judge. But I wouldn’t want to be in your clogs.

(Blue drags Pinocchio off. The ghost of Jiminy Cricket appears.)

JIMINY

And Pinocchio lived happily ever after. Well, not at first. Pinocchio is charge with manslaughter. He serves five years in a maximum-security prison. One time in the laundry room, he is sodomized with a broomstick which catches his ass on fire. He loses the ability to sit. Once free, he gets a minimum wage job at Felony Franks on the South Side serving up hot dogs. One day, he stands too close to the open flame grill and loses his right arm. He now lives off of worker’s comp and keeps a room at the Y. He never became a real boy, but he does enjoy their company. That’s happy, right? (Off stage we hear a ghostly “meow.”) Gotta go!

(Blackout.)

Week 23, Day 155 - “People Who Live In Candy Houses Shouldn’t Throw Vegetables”

“People Who Live In Candy Houses Shouldn’t Throw Vegetables”
Written by Joe Janes
6/22/09
155 of 365

CAST:
Hansel, 12
Gretel, 12
Witch, 60s
Phil, 30s
Witch, 100s

(Lights up on Hansel and Gretel, lost, wandering through the forest, which is probably the audience.)

GRETEL

Hansel. We are hopelessly lost. If only those squirrels hadn’t eaten those breadcrumbs.

HANSEL (mouth full of bread crumbs)

Yeth! Thtupid squirrels. (Gulp) I’m thirsty.

GRETEL

Me, too. Hansel. If we don’t find any food or shelter, we will surely starve.

HANSEL

Lost in the forest, surrounded by nothing but vegetation and animals. We will certainly die.

(On stage, Phil, comes out and begins hammering tiles onto a wall.)

GRETEL

Look, Hansel, look! It’s a house.

HANSEL

Yay! A house.

(They run to the stage.)

GRETEL

Not just any house. This house is made out of candy and gingerbread!

HANSEL

I have died and gone to heaven. Look at this window shutter. It’s a peppermint candy. (He tears it off the house.)

PHIL

Hey, what the hell do you think you’re doing?

HANSEL

I’m hungry.

PHIL

Just because you’re hungry doesn’t mean you can bite into somebody’s house. Peppermint shutters cost a fortune and are a bitch to hang.

GRETEL

But we’re hungry.

PHIL

Fine. Go ahead and knock yourselves out.

(Hansel and Gretel take big bites out of the shutter and begin chewing. It dawns on them that something tastes odd about the candy and they spit it out.)

HANSEL

This candy is bad.

GRETEL

It tastes like chemicals.

PHIL

Of course, you jackasses. It’s been weatherproofed. You can’t just have a house made of candy and not weather proof it. Wish that fucking witch had thought about that.

HANSEL

What witch?

GRETEL

There’s a witch in the woods?

PHIL

Not anymore. She used to live here. I bought it from her and I’m trying to flip it.

GRETEL

What happened to the witch?

PHIL

Fuck if I know. I think she took a room at the “Y” in town. She went into foreclosure. Kept taking out mortgages to repair the damn thing. Hail has turned the roof into a sieve. Raccoons ate through the back porch steps. The whole second story is unsafe since last summer’s heat wave. Damn near melted the lollipop staircase. She’s lucky they just didn’t condemn the place. I’m trying to get it into shape to sell it.

HANSEL

We can’t have any of it?

GRETEL

What about the gingerbread? It smells so good in the sun.

(Hansel takes a bite of the house and screams in pain.)

PHIL

Stop eating the house! Last week you could have eaten it. I’ve since reinforced it with chicken wire and steel piping.

HANSEL

I think I broke a tooth.

PHIL

Look. You want to eat something? Grab a ladder and lick the marzipan off the eaves. I haven’t gotten to those yet.

GRETEL

Thank you, kind sir.

(They grab a small ladder and start doing just that.)

PHIL

Call me Phil.

GRETEL

Ew, this doesn’t taste good, either, Phil.

PHIL

That’s probably from all the bird crap. They kept making nests up there.

HANSEL

Eat around it, Gretel.

PHIL

Who the hell makes a house out of candy? I guess just because you’re a witch doesn’t mean you’ve got a brain. One light rain and you already got a ton of damage. Not like my truck, which is made out of Slim Jims. That’s sturdy material. Waterproof. Doesn’t rot. Slim Jims will last a million years. Of course, that doesn’t mean it won’t run out of gas now and then.

GRETEL

Your truck is edible?

PHIL

Yep. Except the tires. You need real tires for tires with these roads. Is there anybody I can call for you guys? Your parents, maybe?

GRETEL

Our parents abandoned us out here.

HANSEL

They said they could no longer afford to feed us.

PHIL

Yeah. I get that. Tell you what. I’ll feed you kids if you help me. There’s a frozen pizza in the fridge. Cool?

(They climb down the ladder.)

HANSEL

Sure.

GRETEL

What can we do?

PHIL

Come inside and help me with the oven, first. Let’s get you fed.

(They all three exit off to the kitchen.)

PHIL (off)

It’s a little tricky. Can’t always tell if it’s on.

GRETEL (off)

I’ll crawl inside of it to see if it’s on.

PHIL (off)

Good idea. Let me get the door.

(We hear Hansel yell as if he just shoved someone. Gretel screams. Phil yells “Hey!” We hear scuffling and the oven door slam. The witch comes out onto stage from behind the house with a saw. She is whistling a happy tune.)

WITCH

Phil?

(Phil comes out from the house.)

PHIL

Oh, hey.

WITCH

I’m done sawing off all the moldy licorice on the back porch.

PHIL

Oh, good. I’ll reinforce the railings with a mix of high fructose corn syrup and epoxy after lunch. Then we’re almost done.

WITCH

I've really worked up an appetite. What do I smell cooking?

PHIL

Some fat German kids wandered by. I threw them in the oven. Give it about 45 minutes.

WITCH

Thanks for helping me get the house in shape.

PHIL

Thanks for not eating me when I got lost. Glad I found a way to be useful to you.

(She smacks him on the head with the flat side of the saw. He falls to the ground and is about to pass out.)

PHIL

Why do you do that?

WITCH

I’m a witch.

(He passes out. She takes salt out of her pocket and sprinkles it on him and starts nibbling on his hand. Blackout)

Week Eight, Day 55 - “Happy Ending”

“Happy Ending”
Written by Joe Janes
3/14/09
55 of 365

CAST:
Miss Dugan, 30s

(Lights up on Miss Dugan, a young schoolteacher, seated in a small chair for children. She has a storybook in her hands. To her right and back is her desk.)

MISS DUGAN

Does everyone have their juice and cookies? Yes? Yes... Good. Everyone have a seat on your mat and we’ll have story time. Would you like me to tell you a story? Yes? Yes? ... Good. This is the story of “The Fairy Princess”… Once upon a time, there was a fairy princess… She lived in a castle with her mother, but they were all alone. She hoped one day to meet the handsome prince who lived in a bigger castle on the hill… (Her cell phone rings. She looks at the ID.) I am so sorry children, but Miss Dugan has to get this. It’s a very important telephone call… (She answers) Hello?... Yes. This is Marilyn Dugan…You have the results?… You’re sure?...Really? 100%?...I don’t think there’s a reason to go to a thousand percent; I understand that you are certain…Okay, then… Yes, indeedee, congratulations…thank you. (She hangs up and is quiet for a moment)… Oh, my, Miss Dugan forgot her juice…Can’t do story time without my juice…my potato juice…(She goes back to her desk, opens the bottom drawer, and pours vodka into a coffee cup. She takes a replenishing sip. Pours more vodka into the cup and returns to her seat.) Enjoy life while you can, kids, while you’re in those single digits… (She takes out a pack of cigarettes and lights up) Now, kids, what I am doing is bad. Smoking is bad, right? Don’t let me catch any of you smoking. It’s especially bad for mommies. Anybody have a little sister or little brother? Did your mommy get a really big fat belly? When mommies are fat is when smoking is really bad for them. Potato juice, too, but you know, everything in moderation. I still have some time before it does any serious damage… Ha, it’s vodka that got me into this mess. You’re not going to find the answer to life’s problem at the bottom of a juice box, Melvin…Miss Dugan met a prince, boys and girls… (sarcastically) a real Prince… Want to know what his name is? Yes? Yes...His name is Rick. What kind of name is Rick for a prince? Prince Rick. Can you think of any words that rhyme with Rick? …Crick... Chick. Like baby chick… Brick…Kick…Trick’s a good one…Prick… all very good boys and girls. All very good. Thick… there’s another one. You remember how Cinderella lost her glass slipper? Well, one time, Prince Rick lost his latex slipper…But he was very “slick” in making me, his gullible wannabe princess, believe that everything would be all right just as long as he pulled his pumpkin carriage out of the enchanted garage in time… And the very next day, Rick stopped calling…”Dick” – that’s another one. Miss Dugan doesn’t see Rick again until a week later when she sees him probing the esophagus of some bar slut’s throat with his tongue in a booth in the back of the Bennigan’s Miss Dugan sometimes goes to after school. I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl …Oh, sorry, where’s my mind? (She stomps out the cigarette on the floor). Let’s finish the story…(She starts flipping through the pages) Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, more bullshit, and they live happily ever after. Bullshit. Now, drink your juice.

(She sips her vodka. Blackout)