Week 33, Day 225 - "Enough Rope"

“Enough Rope”

Written by Joe Janes

8/31/09

225 of 365

CAST

Crystal, 20s

Steve, 20s

Chandra, 20s

(Lights up on Crystal. She sits in her garden apartment living room in the dark looking very depressed. We can see the light from her phone as she checks it once or twice to see if anyone has texted her. They have not. The doorbell rings. She gets up and stands very still, waiting to hear if it really rang. It did and it does, again. She turns on the light from a wall switch revealing the sofa and floor littered with used tissues. She wears all black and wears heavy dark mascara. The doorbell rings, again.)

CRYSTAL

(Loudly) Just a… (Corrected to a softer tone) Just a second.

(She checks her look in a wall mirror. She quickly adds some lines of mascara, giving her more of a crying raccoon look. She goes to the door.)

CRYSTAL (weakly)

Who is it?

STEVE (through door)

It’s Steve.

(She collapses a little against the door, relieved that it is he. She unlocks the door and rushes back to the sofa where she throws herself into a melancholy pose.)

CRYSTAL

It’s open.

(Steve enters. He is a bright, nice looking guy. He carries a backpack over one shoulder.)

STEVE

Hi, Crystal.

CRYSTAL

Hello, Steve.

STEVE

You alone?

CRYSTAL

Chandra’s in her room studying for a mid-term.

(Pause)

STEVE

I got the note you left on my car. And the headless teddy bear you put in my mailbox. And I got your text. Well, texts. All of them. Even the last one.

CRYSTAL

My suicide text?

STEVE

Yah, your suicide text.

CRYSTAL

I can’t live without you, Steve.

STEVE

I can see that.

CRYSTAL

How can you throw our love away like this?

STEVE

I guess I felt like you were pressuring me to commit to a relationship with you. Two weeks of going out together may seem like a long time, Crystal, but-

CRYSTAL

I can’t help what my heart feels, Steve. And what if feels right now is… mutilated.

STEVE

I know, I know. (He sits down on the sofa.) Crystal, I hate seeing you like this. I’m sorry I broke your heart.

CRYSTAL

Mutilated.

STEVE

Mutilated your heart. I’m really sorry.

CRYSTAL

I was just about to take a warm bath.

STEVE

That sounds relaxing.

CRYSTAL

And slit my wrists. Would you do me a favor?

STEVE

Anything.

CRYSTAL

Could you run to the store and get me razor blades? The old-fashioned kind. All I have are Daisy leg shavers.

STEVE

Crystal. I brought you a gift.

CRYSTAL

You did?

STEVE

I think it will change your mind about razor blades.

CRYSTAL (cheering up)

What did you get me? A new teddy bear?

STEVE (reaching into his bag)

Even better. Rope.

(He pulls out a coil of rope with a noose on one end.)

CRYSTAL

Rope?

STEVE

The real sturdy kind. I figured you didn’t have any and using a belt or bathrobe sash is so unreliable. Plus, with rope, you can make a really cool noose, like this.

CRYSTAL

That’s thoughtful.

STEVE

And, the best part, no mess.

CRYSTAL

Guess I didn’t think about the clean up.

STEVE

This water pipe out to hold you. (He throws the rope over a pipe in the ceiling.)

CRYSTAL

Thanks.

STEVE

Now, I read on Wikipedia, that to really get the job done, you want to leave a little slack in the loop. (He grabs one of her chairs and puts it under the pipe.) That way, when you kick the chair out from under yourself, you’ll get a little jerk that will snap your neck as well as strangle you.

CRYSTAL

I appreciate you going to all the trouble. I kind of had my heart set on the razor blades though.

STEVE

That’s pretty slow, compared to this.

CRYSTAL

I really like red. And I think it would look more dramatic than a Crystal piñata.

STEVE

Hey, your death.

CRYSTAL (picking up her purse)

Would you mind running to the 7-11 for me?

STEVE

Sure thing. I’ve got it. Need anything else while I’m there? Cotton balls? Fabric softener? Porn?

CRYSTAL

No. I’m good.

(Steve puts his hands on her shoulders and gives her a quick nod.)

STEVE

Be back in a sec.

(Steve exits. Crystal takes some make-up wipes out of her purse and wipes off her face. Chandra walks in carrying a six-pack of cheap canned beer.)

CHANDRA

Hey, you turned the lights on. That’s cool (indicating rope). Was Steve here?

CRYSTAL

Yes.

CHANDRA

You kids getting back together?

CRYSTAL (sitting)

No. Not at all. I never want to see him at all. Ever.

CHANDRA

That’s the spirit. (Chandra sits next to her) Want to get drunk and watch mixed martial arts?

CRYSTAL

More than anything.

(They hug.)

CHANDRA (points to rope.)

Let’s keep that. Maybe we can stick a flowerpot in it.

(Lights fade as they pop open their beers.)

Week 32, Day 224 -“A Thing I Wrote”

“A Thing I Wrote”

Written by Joe Janes

8/30/09

224 of 365

CAST

Vaughn, 40s

RICHARD, late 60’s

JAY, 20s

SARAH 20s

KENNETH early 30s

BARBARA 40s

(Lights up on five empty chairs. Offstage, we hear someone struggle with something. Vaughn enters.)

VAUGHN (to the audience)

So, this is a thing I wrote. If you’re like me, you really hate it when the author creates a character to represent him and then has the character address the audience. “Why don’t you just tell a frickin’ story?” “Why do you have to be so weird?” The answer is, “I don’t know.” The answer is, “This is what I wrote. This is how it came out.” My goal is to write one full-length play a year. I started that goal ten years ago. I have since written three plays. But, this time, I’m serious. I’m 45 years old. Or, as my brain hears it, five years from 50. I’m single. Not married. Never married. Apparently incapable of marriage according to my ex-fiancé. Straight. No kids. I want to leave something for the world. I want to create something that lasts. So, in another 50 years, some theater guy somewhere takes a stack of my plays and says, “Hey, let’s do a Vaughn Tweeder play festival. His stuff is still vital today. Whenever we put on one of his plays, we make money. People love his guy.”

I have never made money from one of my plays. Never.

So, how do I make a living? Depends on how you define “living,” but I make money teaching sketch comedy writing.

(Five students come out and sit near Vaughn. There is RICHARD, an older man in his 60’s, JAY, a young man who dropped out of college, SARAH, a young woman in her late 20’s, KENNETH, a young man in his early 30’s, and BARBARA, a housewife in her 40’s.)

VAUGHN (continuing)

All right. The assignment was to write a Fish Out of Water scene. Who’d like to read their assignment? (Silence) Who’s going to read their assignment? (More uneasy silence)… Richard?

RICHARD

I wasn’t able to get to a copier before class.

VAUGHN

That’s okay. We can just crowd around your one copy and read that.

RICHARD

Well, since I wasn’t able to make copies, I didn’t bring it.

VAUGHN

There you go. Jay?

JAY

I meant to do the assignment. I was going to do it this morning, but I got really drunk last night, which kind of bled over into this morning. And this afternoon.

VAUGHN

Perfectly understandable. (Barbara raises her hand.) Barbara?

BARBARA

I wasn’t here last week, so I didn’t know what the assignment was.

VAUGHN

You have my e-mail, right?

BARBARA

Oh, yes, I guess I do.

VAUGHN

You all seem a little surprised that in a writing class, you’re expected to write.

SARAH

I wrote mine.

VAUGHN

Does it in any way involve any of the characters being decapitated in the end?

SARAH

Yes. …But it’s funny.

VAUGHN

Please find another way to end your scenes other than ritual beheadings.

SARAH

Oh, in this one it’s spontaneous, not premeditated. Just saying. I took your feedback.

KENNETH

I had an idea for a scene. Do you want to hear my idea?

VAUGHN

Sure. Why not?

KENNETH

Freddy Mercury is a Catholic priest who anal rapes an altar boy. He seduces him by singing Queen songs. (He thrusts his hips while singing) “Ooh, you’re my best friend…”

VAUGHN

Freddy Mercury is dead.

KENNETH

That’s the Fish Out of Water part. He finds himself alive AND a Catholic priest.

VAUGHN

Okay. There seems to be some misconception. We are here to learn to write scenes. Solid scenes that feature fleshed out characters with strong passions and flaws and histories and relationships. Characters and situations we can relate to.

JAY

But that’s not what I see on television.

VAUGHN

We’re not writing for television. We’re writing for the stage. This is where you learn your craft.

JAY

I’d write if I had something to write about. I just didn’t think any of my ideas were funny.

RICHARD

I wrote a scene that wasn’t the assignment.

VAUGHN

Excellent.

RICHARD

A pirate, a retard and Dr. Phil are all on “Real World.”

VAUGHN

Why are they on “Real World”?

RICHARD

Because it’s funny?

VAUGHN

Okay. Fine. It’s a funny idea, but then what? Is it a scene? Aside from the fact the three of them would never be on “Read World”-

RICHARD

Thus the funny.

VAUGHN

Where does the scene go from there? What keeps it from being another Saturday Night Live sketch that tells it’s joke in the first thirty seconds and then goes on another three-and-a-half painful minutes. How does the scene move forward? How do you raise the stakes?

RICHARD

Dr. Phil is a vampire.

VAUGHN

And why is Dr. Phil a vampire?

RICHARD

Because he got bit by a vampire.

VAUGHN

Look, let’s rewind a little bit and just talk about writing. You guys keep waiting to have funny ideas before you start writing. Don’t wait to have something to write about. Write even when you have nothing to write about. (Aside) I don’t do this, by the way. (Back to class) Free write. Let the words flow and discover an idea to write about. (Aside) That either.

Writing is rewriting. A good scene takes time. Revision. Don’t give up on a scene before you even finish the first draft. (Aside) Unlike me.

Have a plan. Plot out your ideas. Know where you want your scene to go and take it there. (Aside – Vaughn just does a take to the audience, shaking his head)

What you write about is arbitrary. It’s the process of writing and your perspective that makes your work unique.

BARBARA (raising hand)

I have no perspective.

VAUGHN

If you’re a human being you have a perspective.

Go see live theater. Go see sketch revues. By seeing what’s out there, you’ll see for yourself what works and what doesn’t work. When was the last time any of you saw a show?

SARAH

I watched SNL – The Best of David Spade.

VAUGHN

Better than nothing. How was it?

SARAH

I don’t really remember. I think it was funny.

VAUGHN

Write every day. It’s like working out. You’re developing a muscle here. Write every day.

Write for the stage. Stop putting in things like “and then they drive to the restaurant and get out of the car” How much time is that? Do they talk in the car? Does the audience sit in silence as the characters do that? Does a large man dressed in a bunny suit jump out and move his arms like a clock and make ticking sounds to indicate time shift? You’re writing for the stage. You’re putting real people in a real place in real time in front of other people. Make it worth their while. (He looks apologetically to the audience). Take a break. You have an assignment for the break. Eavesdrop on conversations. Come back with a few lines of dialogue. We’re going to work on writing scenes about human beings. (A man dressed in a bunny suit comes out and makes ticking sounds while moving his arms like a clock. He says, “ding!” and exits.) Okay. Who did their assignment on the break?

KENNETH

What assignment?

(Vaughn slaps his forehead. Lights out.)

Week 32, Day 223 - “The Eighth Wonder of the World”

“The Eighth Wonder of the World”
Written by Joe Janes

8/29/09

223 of 365

CAST

Carl, 40s

Kong,???

Theater Patron Liz, 40s

Theater Patron Percy, 20s

Theater Patron Millie, 60s

Theater Patron Frank, 60s

(Circa 1933. On stage, we see a large curtain. Standing before it on a tuxedo is Carl Denham.)

CARL

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld. He was a king and a god in the world he knew, but now he comes to civilization merely a captive - a show to gratify your curiosity. Ladies and gentlemen, look at Kong, the Eighth Wonder of the World.

(The curtain falls and we see Kong on a platform with his arms and feet in chains. The audience gasps.)

CARL (continuing)

Don't be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen. Those chains are made of chrome steel.

(The “ooh-ing” and “ah-ing” subsides.)

CARL (continuing)

Big fella, isn’t he? The strength of a thousand apes. Regular-sized apes. All rolled up into one giant ape. (Flexes his arms) Grrrrr!

(Pause)

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Now, what?

CARL

What’s that?

THEATER PATRON PERCY

He’s impressive and all, but now what?

CARL

Well, um, just look at how magnificent he is. Do you want to come up and take a closer look?

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Not really. He’s got a bit of a gamey smell about him.

CARL

Well, he’s a wild animal. Full of wild animal instincts.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Like avoiding proper bathing.

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Look, what’s your name-

CARL

Carl Denham, adventurer!

THEATER PATRON FRANK

I wasn’t really asking. There’s a depression going on, you know. My wife and I paid big bucks for these tickets. On top of that we hired a baby sitter and paid for a really nice meal.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Oh, did you go to Sardis’?

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Indeed, we did.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

I love their steak tartar. They make it right at your table.

CARL

Your point, sir?

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Is this it?

CARL

Is this it? This is Kong – The Eighth Wonder of the World!

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Guess this it. Some show.

THEATER PATRON LIZ (to her escort)

I told you we should have gone to see “Porgy and Bess.”

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Doesn’t he sing or dance?

CARL

He’s a giant ape.

THEATER PATRON FRANK

For chrissake’s, even my dog does tricks.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Your dog is smarter than this ape.

(Carl talks out of the side of his mouth to Kong.)

CARL

I’m dying here, Kong. Do something.

(Kong holds up a fist towards Carl, “cranks” it until the middle finger is extended.)

THEATER PATRON PERCY

That was offensive. What’s next? IS he going to fling his giant pooh at us? I want a refund.

CARL

You can’t get a refund. This is Broadway.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Then you or the monkey need to start dancing.

CARL

He’s the Eighth Wonder of the World.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

And we’re done wondering. I want my money back.

(The rest of the crowd chimes in on this and they start shouting for a refund.)

CARL

Kong, help me, here. Do you really want me to send you back to that island full of swamp gas, giant mosquitoes and dinosaurs?

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Dinosaurs?

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

What dinosaurs, where?

CARL

Back on the island where I found Kong. They had dinosaurs.

TEHATER PATRON FRANK

Are you insane? Why didn’t you bring back a dinosaur? Those are extinct.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

I would have loved to see a dinosaur. I could stare at one of those for hours.

CARL

But, apes are cool.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Apes aren’t cool. I can go to the zoo to see an ape. Dinosaurs, wow that really would have been worth the ticket price.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

If there are dinosaurs still alive, then there’s no way this is the eighth wonder of the world.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

I don’t know what scale your using to rank your wonders, Mister Adventurer, but a T. Rex would knock this smelly, untalented beast down into the double digits.

(During all this, Kong has become increasing offended and angry that the crowd would rather see a dinosaur. Percy’s remark puts him over the edge. He breaks his chains and roars!)

CARL

Show’s over! Show’s over! We can’t control him.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Don’t end it now!

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

It’s just getting good.

(The crowd is now cheering. Kong goes into the crowd and smashes the heads of the theater patrons. And makes it back on stage.)

CARL

Good job, Kong. Say, were you friends with any of those dinosaurs? Maybe we could put together a comedy team.

(Kong roars at him. Carl runs off screaming. Kong turns to the remaining audience.)

KONG

No refunds.

(Blackout.)

Week 32, Day 222 - “Body Falling Downstairs Slowly”

“Body Falling Downstairs Slowly”

Written by Joe Janes

8/28/09

222 of 365

Cast:

Nora, 30s

Julia, teens

Bill, 60s

Erik, 20s

(Lights up on Nora, a casually dressed woman in her late 30s, walking and carrying a large bag of groceries. Her cell phone is ringing and she has fist full of keys she’s fumbling with. The keychain is overloaded with stuff like a poker chip, bottle opener, light, pepper spray, etc.)

NORA

God dammit, God dammit, God dammit….Hold on, hold on… Oh, fuck…

(She grabs her cell phone from her purse. While fumbling around, Nora twists her foot and begins to fall in slow motion. The groceries fly out of her hands, perhaps aided by an actor dressed in all black. Her keys, similarly aided, fly in a different direction. Same with the purse. She manages to cling to her cell phone. She is falling down a short flight of stairs. She freezes. Julia, dressed like a punky teen from the 80s appears.)

JULIA

Looks like you’re going to die.

NORA

This is weird. Go away.

JULIA

You should have stayed with me in high school.

NORA

I’m not gay, Julia.

JULIA

You were in high school, Nora.

NORA

I don’t know what I was in high school, but I wasn’t gay.

JULIA

You loved me.

NORA

Maybe.

JULIA

You loved me. Why else would you be thinking of me now?

(Nora, moving in slow motion, reaches out to Julia who walks off. Nora twists and freezes, again. Bill, 60s, appears.)

BILL

Hey, Pumpkin.

NORA

Daddy! Help me.

BILL

You never come visit me.

NORA

You’re dead.

BILL

I have a gravesite, you know.

NORA

I hate cemeteries.

BILL

Well, you’ll have plenty of time to get used to them.

NORA

Daddy! I’m sorry!

(She reaches for him in slow motion and he walks off. She twists again and holds out her arms to block her fall. Erik, the Angel of Death, appears, playing a game on his iPhone. He is dressed all in white.)

NORA

Who are you?

ERIK

Erik, the easily distracted angel of death.

NORA (pointing)

Look! The Oscar Mayer Weiner Mobile!

ERIK (squeals)

I love that thing!

(Erik quickly walks off. Nora and all her flying-through-the-air items fall hit the floor in real time. She has hurt a few things. We hear a voice on her cell phone…)

NORA

Ow.

JULIE (on phone)

Hello? Nora? Nora, are you all right?

NORA (picking up phone)

Hello?... Julia? Julia! I can’t believe it. I was just thinking of you…Oh, I just tripped down some stupid stairs. I’m all right…You’re in town!... Hell, yes, I’d love to get together… Right now is perfect. Come on over. Do you mind if we swing by the emergency room first?

(Nora passes out.)

JULIE (on phone)

Hello?…Nora?

(Lights fade.)

Week 32, Day 221 - "WASP-18"

“WASP-18”

Written by Joe Janes

8/27/09

221 of 365

CAST

WASP-18, star

WASP-18b, planet

(Lights up on WASP-18, a sun, being orbited by WASP-18b, a planet. WASP-18b circles WASP-18 at least three times before WASP-18b sighs, loudly.)

WASP-18

Did you say something?

(WASP-18b ignores this and continues spinning around WASP-18. WASP-18 sighs once more.)

WASP-18 (continuing)

If you’re not going to tell me, I’m not going to pry it out of you.

(WASP-18b looks angry, slows for a second, but keeps orbiting, This time closer to WASP-18.)

WASP-18B

You think the world revolves around you, don’t you?

(WASP-18 is dumbfounded, but eventually finds the words.)

WASP-18

Yes.

(WASP-18b, pissed, spins a little faster and closer to WASP-18. This upsets the surface of WASP-18.)

WASP-18 (continuing)

Hey, hey!

WASP-18B

What’s the matter? Can’t handle it when someone gets too close?

WASP-18 (shrugging)

Plasma tides! Plasma tides!

WASP-18B

Don’t make excuses. You like it.

WASP-18

This bulge is not a good thing. You’re playing with fire.

WASP-18B (mocking)

You’re playing with fire.

WASP-18

I told you I needed space.

WASP-18B

Well, help yourself. Take the whole frickin’ galaxy for all I care.

WASP-18

Look, we have to work together. There’s no reason why we can’t try to get along.

(WASP-18b thinks about this and spins around WASP-18 a few more times.)

WASP-18B

You’re right. You’re right. You’re warm, you’re bright. I get attached. Stuck in my ways.

WASP-18

We’ll figure it out. I’m not going anywhere. And neither are you.

WASP-18B

Yah. We’ll figure it out.

(WASP-18b orbits WASP-18 a few more times, screams and hurdles towards and grabs WASP-18)

WASP-18

Plasma bulge!!!

(Blackout. We hear the sound of a planet exploding on impact into a sun.)

Auditon for Robot vs Dinosaur's New Show!

(We hashed out a running order last night. Looks like four 365 Sketches might end up in the show. Whee!)

AUDITION NOTICE

Robot vs. Dinosaur is NOW CASTING its latest scripted sketch comedy revue.

AUDITION TIME:
Tuesday, September 1, 2009 (6 to 9 p.m.) or Wednesday, September 2, 2009 (7 to 10 p.m.)Callbacks will be held on Thursday, September 3 from 6 to 9 p.m. One hour slots available at 6, 7 and 8 p.m. on 9/1 or 7, 8, and 9 p.m. on 9/2

The audition will be cold readings from the script with some improv.
Auditions will be held at THE SECOND CITY TRAINING CENTER (check in at 4TH Floor Lobby)

PERFORMANCES:
Performances will be at the Gorilla Tango Theatre, Fridays and Saturdays at 8 p.m., October 16 through November 21, 2009(Important Dates: You must be available for all performances to audition. Any other schedule conflicts are negotiable.)

CASTING:
Looking for a variety of MALES and FEMALES and PUPPETEERS. It will be a fun time and a great opportunity for all levels of experience.

SIGN UP:
To sign up for a time slot, please email Chris Othic at crothic at yahoo.com or call/text 773-314-3582 and leave a message with your name, phone number, email address and preferred time slot. Chris will contact you to confirm your slot.

Please bring headshots and resumes (if you have them) to the audition, as well as your availability for rehearsals from 9/1/2009 through 10/16/2009.

We hope to see you at the audition!

Week 32, Day 220- “Interest Due"

"Interest Due"
Written BY Joe Janes
8/26/09
220 of 365

CAST

Dave, 40s

Patti, 40s

(Lights up on Dave, a banker, sitting down across from Patti. Dave is dressed in a typical business suit, but nothing too fancy. Patti wears a pants suit.)

DAVE

Well, Patti, I have all your papers here. (He opens his folder) We should be able to re-negotiate your mortgage to a more manageable monthly payment for you. Oh, it does appear as though your fire insurance lapsed last month.

PATTI

Well, that’s why I’m here. If we can lower my interest rate, I can afford to reinstate my fire insurance.

DAVE

Well, that can be a factor in how we calculate your rate.

PATTI

I’m sure we’ll be able to work together, Dave.

DAVE

You are currently paying an 8% interest on a 30-year mortgage. You’ve kept up with your payments. We should be able to get this down to 6%. Does that seem reasonable?

PATTI

Sounds like it’s going in the right direction.

DAVE

Well, honestly, that is as low as we can go.

PATTI

Is it, Dave? Is it really?

(Patti crosses her legs revealing she has a holstered handgun strapped to her ankle.)

DAVE

Are you threatening me?

PATTI

Threatening you? What? No! Just making myself comfortable. I just think we can do better. Don’t you?

DAVE

How did you get that gun past security? You’re not a cop.

PATTI

I showed them my permit. My license to carry a concealed weapon in a public place. A dainty woman such as myself needs protection.

DAVE

Is it loaded?

PATTI

Not much point to carrying a gun if it weren’t.

DAVE

This is not going to help you renegotiate your mortgage.

PATTI

Dave, I’m just an American citizen exercising my right to bear arms wherever I want, whenever I want.

DAVE

You take that gun with you wherever you go?

PATTI

Don’t leave home without it.

DAVE

Shopping?

PATTI

Yep.

DAVE

The movies.

PATTI

Yep.

DAVE

Church?

PATTI

Especially church. Those people can get worked up. The Lord is my shepherd and I’m riding shotgun.

DAVE

Well, I am uncomfortable with this. You’ll need to take your business elsewhere.

PATTI

Dave, this isn’t about the gun. I’m here to renegotiate my mortgage. You’re here to help me. (She leans in) Don’t make me put my foot down.

DAVE

Okay, okay. Let’s get this over with. The best, the absolute best I can do, below what I’m supposed to do, is offer you 4% interest.

PATTI

See, Dave, that wasn’t so hard. Remember way back when, when the interest was 6% and could go no lower? Good job, Dave. Way to serve the customer.

DAVE

Sign here and here.

PATTI (signing)

Nice pen. Can I keep it?

DAVE

That was a gift from my mother-

PATTI (scratching her leg)

Ow, ow, itchy shins. Boy, it gets dry this time of year, doesn’t it?

DAVE

Keep it. Keep it. My compliments.

(He gets up and she gets up.)

PATTI

Nice doing business with you, Dave. You have a nice day.

DAVE

You, too. (She exits) You, too.

(He sits down, looking relieved. Lorna enters.)

LORNA

Dave, you’re due in the conference room.

(Dave walks off)

DAVE (off)

Um, yah, I’m not going to be able to make that meeting, Lorna.

LORNA

What should I tell the board of directors?

(Dave re-enters carrying a gasoline can and an acetylene torch.)

DAVE

Tell them I have a house to foreclose on.

(He exits. She looks concerned. Blackout.)