Top 100 of Anything

I'm really not all that interested in anyone's top list of 100 whatevers.


They're usually very subjective and suspect in their genesis. They tend to have more to do with a cheap publicity method, or el cheap-o excuse for a show (VH-1) than an actually well thought out justified list.


The American Film Institute came out with a revised list of The Top 100 Films of all time in honor of that list's 10th anniversary (Hunh? - the anniversary of a list?). Somehow, AFI narrowed the field down to 400 and then anyone giving them their e-mail address could vote for the top 100.


If this sort of crap test gets people to check out the works of Orson Welles, Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton and Billy Wilder, then, okay. I'll complain a little less. There's only one film out of the 100 I haven't seen (Sunrise, anyone?).


Far more interesting to me, are the worst films ever made. Where's the Top 100 for that, AFI? There's only one film that ever had me hopping out of my seat and storming out of the theater. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band starring Peter Frampton and The BeeGees. What a big stinkeroo! I still recoil in horror if I run across it flipping channels.


Here's a guy after my own heart. Here's a guy who dove deeply in the direct-to-DVD pile at Blockbuster and came up with a few scenes from the worst films ever made. Lots of fun!





ROBOWRITERS TONIGHT AT THE UPTOWN WRITER'S SPACE AT 6:30PM!

SIDENOTE: President Bush says he's opposed to stem cell research because it's not right to destroy lives to save lives. Given Iraq and his war on the word "terror," that's a wee bit hypocritical, doncha think?

Rants

Yesterday, I taught my Intro to Comedy Writing class at Second City. There are a few things very unusual about this class.

- It's from 4pm - 7pm. Most classes are 7pm - 10pm or on the weekend. This is my first time teaching this time slot. I love it. I get done with enough time to go home and spend some quality time with my girlfriend.

- It's a small class. Most Intro classes are around the 15 mark. We have five, so there's no hiding out. Everybody writes and everybody reads. I don't have to rush through any exercises and there's plenty of time to debrief and check-in with the students.

- Everyone is in their 30's and 40's. And I'm not the oldest! I love having a wide range of ages and types in a class, but there's something refreshing about not having to explain a lot of references or the kinds of points-of-view that only come with, dare I say it...maturity.

Yesterday, we did a brainstorming exercise of writing a list of ten things that piss you off. The exercise leads to the students ranting on paper about a topic. For many of them, this is their first taste of using strong emotion as a tool as well as simply being heard through their writing. The list is just a jumping off point for some monologue and character work, but it's a tremendous amount of fun to hear. Most everything listed I could relate to and those that I couldn't, I still enjoyed because of the irritation in the voice of the writer. I'm not exactly sure why a server calling a group of people in a restaurant "folks" is a bone of contention, but I sure enjoyed hearing about it!

I never do the exercises along with the class because I would too easily make it about me and not facilitate the process properly. But after hearing them today, I decided to do it myself. Now, keep in mind, this is not a top ten list. It's a brainstorming list done with a time consideration. Its the first ten things that come to mind.

TEN THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF

1 - Rude drivers who lay on the horn at intersections. It's not helping.

2 - People who are consistently late. To the point where you can count on them being late. You're holding things up and I don't have the time to waste.

3 - People who talk in movie theaters AND at live theater! Where the hell do you think you are? I didn't pay my money to hear YOUR dialogue.

4 - Panhandlers who hit me up for money when I'm flat-assed broke. It's like a cat who gets in your face when you're allergic or people who - having never done so in their lives - suddenly slap you on the back when you have a sunburn.

5 - Being with a group of people at a restaurant where everyone has pitched in on the bill and it's ridiculously short. C'mon, people, pony up! You - the couple - you BOTH need to pitch in. You're not eating for one. And all you losers, it's not the price in the menu. It's that price plus your drink plus tax plus a 20% tip!

6 - Arrogant ignorant stubbornness (Looking in your direction, Mr. President).

7 - Politicians and celebrities who are more wrapped up in looks, perceptions, spins, focus groups and polls. Whatever happened to just being honest and talking to people? We're not all idiots.

8 - Insurance companies. They're like the mob pinching you for protection money. And if you actually need their services, they squeeze harder.

9 - Boob jobs and anything involving a "lift" or a "tuck." And, for Pete's sake, let your pubes grow back in! It's like that weird ultra-tweezed or shaved eye-brow look, but on your crotch.

10 - Unnecessarily poor service. I get it, chubby slow lady who continues her conversation with a co-worker and never makes eye contact with me at the post office on Broadway near Lawrence. Your job sucks. The awful fluorescent lighting and that funky smell which might have more to do with you than the environment there. I'd hate it, too. But it's not my fault and all I want is a frickin' money order.

Whew! I feel better. Doesn't take long. I highly recommend it. You can write and post yours in the comment section. I'd love to read it.

Advice to the Newbie

Last week, I spent a lot of time with "newbies" at Second City. In addition to teaching my current Intro and Writing 1 class, I subbed a Writing 1 and two beginning level improv classes - an A and a C.

Here's some advice that I think is applicable to both groups and a good refresher for the more experienced.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS -

It's a class. It's a learning experience. Give your classmates a break. Give yourself an even bigger break. You're going to suck. Hard. If you don't, there's nothing for you to learn and you should go to your assigned mountain for others to climb and seek your advice. So, enjoy the ride. There's no need to roll your eyes about anything. There's no need to apologize - ever - for your work. As Martin DeMaat used to say, "Suffering is not an option."

SPECIFICALLY FOR WRITERS -

It's a writing class. You'll need to write. You'll need to write in class and share your work. You'll need to write outside of class and bring your work in to share. You will not like what you wrote most of the time. Still bring it in. It's never as bad as you think it is. It's also never as good as you think it is. But it definitely won't get any better - and neither will you as a writer - if you don't take the risk of sharing it.

SPECIFICALLY FOR IMPROVISERS -

What really works best at this stage is just getting up there and playing. Be open and ready for anything. You won't get any better at this thing called improv if you don't improvise. Raise the flag "engagement." Jump in. Participate. Play. Make an ass out of yourself!

FOR BOTH -

Stop trying to be funny. I get it. You're funny. Everybody tells you so. That's why you are here. Now, give it a rest. I'm here to teach you the tools you need to create interesting characters with strong emotional wants and needs and, yes, I know - that sure as hell doesn't sound very funny. But the more honest you are, the more you put your heart and soul into it, the more likely it is to be rewarded with laughter. The more you "joke" - in class, on stage, on paper, in the hallway - the harder it is for me, and everyone, to get who YOU are.

KEEP THE AUDIENCE IN MIND -

They are the essential ingredient. Otherwise, we're just a bunch of trees falling over each other in the forest not making any sounds. Don't play to them. No need to pander. Be true to yourself and be mindful of them. - Speak up and share your voice. Turn out so they can see you. Don't block other people on stage from their view. Show them what you are doing, don't tell them what you are doing.
- Write with them in mind. Keep it simple and clear. Don't leave them hanging by leaving characters hang. Don't have a character leave another character on stage in silence to go do something offstage, like prepare dinner for five minutes.

I love teaching classes with people new to improv or writing. They are usually very enthusiastic and willing to swing for the fences. They also tend to get snagged in the "trying to look good" department.

Be messy. Be sloppy. Have fun. Learn from your mistakes. Take your time. Grow as an artist.



Suffering is not an option.

An Important Message for Today's Youth

Ah, sweet, sweet youth!

The aliveness, the energy, the passion, the hope for a better tomorrow.

I have just one important thing to say to the youth of America.

It's an important message that I hope you will carry in your hearts, always.

Pull up your pants.

Really. Please. Pull up your goddamn pants. I have no desire to see your underwear. Even less of a desire to see your butt cleavage.

I'm all for freedom of expression in its many forms, but, no, really, I don't want to or need to, see your ass. Who are you emulating with this? Union plumbers? When did that become hip?

I have heard it emulates ill-fitting prison attire. That's cool? Isn't it just less of an obstacle for a good ass-tapping?

Are you carrying something back there? Extra pencils for school? Loose change? Maybe that's it. Fanny packs did go out of fashion a decade ago. Maybe longer. I got the memo late.

Is it a gang thing? I can't imagine baggy pants being very beneficial when it comes to running away from cops. You're either going to trip with them around your ankles or run while holding them up with one hand. Neither will look good on COPS.

Is there a message I'm not getting? When I was in high school, tight clothes were in. I never quite got that, either. I think it was so blind people could enjoy disco fashions, too, by reading your pants like Braille.

I'm sorry it's come to this. Some towns are even outlawing baggy pants.

DELCAMBRE, La. (AP) - Sag your britches somewhere else, this Cajun-country town has decided.

Mayor Carol Broussard said he would sign an ordinance the town council approved this week setting penalties of up to six months in jail and a $500 fine for being caught in pants that show undergarments or certain parts of the body.

Broussard said he has nothing against saggy pants but thinks people who wear them should use discretion. "It's gotten way out of hand out here," he said.

"I don't know if it will do any good, but it won't hurt," Albert Roy, the councilman who introduced the ordinance, said. "It's obvious, and anybody with common sense can see your parts when you wear sagging pants."

Broussard's advice for people who like their pants to hang low: "Just wear it properly. Cover your vital parts. I mean, if you expose your private parts, you'll get a fine. If you walk up and your pants drop, you get a fine. They're better off taking the pants off and just wearing a dress."

Six months in jail AND a $500 fine!?!

You heard them America! Cover up your vital parts!Pull up your pants, today, or you could look like this, tomorrow....





Oh, dear God. I'm becoming Andy Rooney.

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

Again we look at the twilight of Saturday morn when the tube shifted from animation to live action. Or mostly live action.


There were two superhero shows produced by the same company that I really enjoyed. Isis and Shazam! Shazam! came first in 1974 and was based on Captain Marvel. Isis debuted the following year and was an original character because the producers didn't want to pay licensing fees. It starred JoAnna Cameron and was my first TV crush. She, as Isis, was, ahem, bonerific.


A little trivia; the six letters in the word Shazam stood for the six elders who granted Billy their powers: Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles and Mercury.


Here's the opening credits of Isis. Enjoy!



Here she is transforming and saving some nutty teenagers...



And here's the opening of Shazam! I didn't notice at the time that Billy looks Hispanic and changes into a very wasp-ish Captain Marvel. A little subtle racism with your corn flakes?

Satire With A Purpose

For a lot of us, me included, it's easy to do "biting" satire from a safe distance. For many of us, our targets are unlikely to come across our vitriol and, even if they did, could probably care less. The Yes Men go right into the line of fire.

And, like the best satirists, they embrace their target. A few weeks ago, I posted a message from them seeking support on a project. I think it was for this one.

This is from their own press release...

Imposters posing as ExxonMobil and National Petroleum Council (NPC)
representatives delivered an outrageous keynote speech to 300 oilmen
at GO-EXPO, Canada's largest oil conference, held at Stampede Park in
Calgary, Alberta.

The speech was billed beforehand by the GO-EXPO organizers as the
major highlight of this year's conference, which had 20,000
attendees. In it, the "NPC rep" was expected to deliver the long-awaited
conclusions of a study commissioned by US Energy Secretary
Samuel Bodman. The NPC is headed by former ExxonMobil CEO Lee
Raymond, who is also the chair of the study.

In the actual speech, the "NPC rep" announced that current U.S. and
Canadian energy policies (notably the massive, carbon-intensive
exploitation of Alberta's oil sands, and the development of liquid
coal) are increasing the chances of huge global calamities. But he
reassured the audience that in the worst case scenario, the oil
industry could "keep fuel flowing" by transforming the billions of
people who die into oil.

"We need something like whales, but infinitely more abundant," said
"NPC rep" "Shepard Wolff" (actually Andy Bichlbaum of the Yes Men),
before describing the technology used to render human flesh into a
new Exxon oil product called Vivoleum. 3-D animations of the process
brought it to life.

The oilmen listened to the lecture with attention, and then lit
"commemorative candles" supposedly made of Vivoleum obtained from the
flesh of an "Exxon janitor" who died as a result of cleaning up a
toxic spill. The audience only reacted when the janitor, in a video
tribute, announced that he wished to be transformed into candles
after his death, and all became crystal-clear.

At that point, Simon Mellor, Commercial & Business Development
Director for the company putting on the event, strode up and
physically forced the Yes Men from the stage. As Mellor escorted
Bonanno out the door, a dozen journalists surrounded Bichlbaum, who,
still in character as "Shepard Wolff," explained to them the
rationale for Vivoleum.

"We've got to get ready. After all, fossil fuel development like that
of my company is increasing the chances of catastrophic climate
change, which could lead to massive calamities, causing migration and
conflicts that would likely disable the pipelines and oil wells.
Without oil we could no longer produce or transport food, and most of
humanity would starve. That would be a tragedy, but at least all
those bodies could be turned into fuel for the rest of us."

Security guards then dragged Bichlbaum away from the reporters, and
he and Bonanno were detained until Calgary Police Service officers
could arrive. The policemen, determining that no major infractions
had been committed, permitted the Yes Men to leave.

Canada's oil sands, along with "liquid coal," are keystones of Bush's
Energy Security plan. Mining the oil sands is one of the dirtiest
forms of oil production and has turned Canada into one of the world's
worst carbon emitters. The production of "liquid coal" has twice the
carbon footprint as that of ordinary gasoline. Such technologies
increase the likelihood of massive climate catastrophes that will
condemn to death untold millions of people, mainly poor.

"If our idea of energy security is to increase the chances of climate
calamity, we have a very funny sense of what security really is,"
Bonanno said. "While ExxonMobil continues to post record profits,
they use their money to persuade governments to do nothing about
climate change. This is a crime against humanity."

"Putting the former Exxon CEO in charge of the NPC, and soliciting
his advice on our energy future, is like putting the wolf in charge
of the flock," said "Shepard Wolff" (Bichlbaum). "Exxon has done more
damage to the environment and to our chances of survival than any
other company on earth. Why should we let them determine our future?"

Bare Bones

“Genius might be the ability to say a profound thing in a simple way.”
- Charles Bukowski

There's no RoboWriters meeting tonight because of an event at the Uptown Writer's Space. It's the first night of The First Annual Chicago Lions and Typers Festival. It's a three day festival of readings from members of the Uptown Writer's Space and special guests.

The first form of this event occurred in 1924 on Cap d'Antibe in France. The first Lions and Typers Festival (known then only as the Lions Festival) began at the beach house of Gerald and Sara Murphy. The first attendees were Pablo Picasso and his aging mother, Gertrude Stein, Bunny Williams, Cole Porter and - of course - Hemingway and Fitzgerald. The French festival included sandcastle building, boxing and cliff diving.


Brian Crowley, from the Thursday night RoboWriters Group, and I will have scenes read on Saturday night at 6:30pm with other members of our group reading the roles. Please join us.


This week is also The Eighth Annual SKALD Storytelling Competition produced by WNEP in cooperation with the City of Chicago Department of Cultural Affairs. Tonight is the Kid's Skald and I will be checking it out. I went to the main event last year and it was very exciting. It's what's theater is all about. Strip away all the razzle-dazzle and there better be a good story under there. This is theater unplugged.


VIDIOCY - There's a short video competition in Chicago produced by Jason Chin and Jeff Griggs that's very popular among the improv/sketch crowd. Basically, the filmmakers meet and randomly pull titles out of a hat. Then they have 30 days to create a video that fits the title. I like to keep tabs on former students of mine after they leave the writing program. One of my former students, Joe Avella, created the winning video from the most recent competition.

Basically, he took everything I taught and threw it out the window.

And, it's very funny. He's the guy in the stovepipe hat.

WARNING: There is profanity in this and beaucoup buttcheekage.