Just for a Day

So, I finally got around to watching Who Killed the Electric Car?

If you haven't seen it, please do. Like the current Sicko, it should be required viewing for U.S. citizens eighteen and older, especially our law makers. It's a wake-up call to take back our rights as consumers and Americans. I haven't felt this worked up since Michael Moore's book Stupid White Men woke me from my post-9/11 somnambulistic state back in 2002.

In this country, it's clear that we vote with our dollars and politicians are for sale. Businesses with cash reserves much larger than ours are setting policy in our government. Our only recourse is to not buy what they are selling by not voting for candidates tucked into the pockets of corporate backing and by not buying what those corporations keep shoving in our faces.

I'm no angel when it comes to ethical economics. My shoes are vegan, but they were probably manufactured in a sweat shop somewhere, possibly even in the good ol' U. S. of A. But together, all of us can make smarter choices that will help steer our country toward a healthier state - economically, environmentally and societally.

If you read this blog regularly, then you probably already have an edge on most people when it comes to being aware of the injustices going on in the world. And, like me, you're probably also frustrated at how hopeless and helpless it can feel to not be able to take immediate action and see immediate results.

Uncle Sam has an addiction-driven personality and we're all in al-anon. We're not going to see overnight results. We can help by taking it one day at a time.

Just for a day, be a little more conscious.

Think before you spend any money. If you support the company and the product you are buying and it makes you feel better to encourage that company, then buy it. If a little voice inside you're head goes,"Sheesh, I can't believe I'm giving my money to Satan, again. I don't even like this coffee. I have to pay extra for foam and syrup just to keep from gagging on it." Then maybe you should put your wallet or purse away and step away from the counter. Just for the day.

Think before your eat. Listen to your body. Are you feeding an addiction for salt, sugar or fried food or legitimately satisfying a hunger? And what the hell are you putting in your mouth, anyway? Is it genuinely nutritious or is it something advertisers told you was needed to get through the day? Are you really lovin' it? Check the ingredients. If there are a lot of words you don't recognize as English, maybe leave it off your plate, or tray, or desk. If an animal died for it, be very aware of where it came from and the torture process the animal went through and the amount of growth hormones and other chemicals pumped into it before you take a bite. Maybe some whole fruits or vegetables, instead. Just for a day.

Before you turn on the TV or crack open a book, consider what you are feeding your brain. Is it junkfood or nutrition? Will it make you think? Will you learn something? Or will it put you into an entertainment coma? Give your brain a balanced meal. Keep it healthy, too.

Think before you act. Let people off the train before you hop on. Give the car ahead of you time to move before honking your horn. Open doors for people. Give people room to pass on the sidewalk. Slow down in getting your body from Point A to Point B. Be kind. Be aware of your surroundings. See the other human beings around you. Maybe leave the ear buds at home - just for a day.

Universal health care, electric cars, organic foods, world peace... There are a lot of people who don't want you to have these.

There are people in our government who want to keep you dumb and afraid. There are people paying those people lots of money to keep you dumb and afraid. They don't care about the environment or our neighbors. They don't care if we choke on our air, get scorched by our sun, or drown in our undrinkable waters. They do care about lining their pockets with money. And if that money comes soaked in blood and oil, then that's just an acceptable loss they are willing to make on our behalf.

Not everyone in government and in corporations are driven by greed. There is hope. There are a few good eggs out there. But it takes us waking up and seeking them out and encouraging them to make the difference we want to see in the world in our lifetime.

It starts by being a little more conscious of our actions and a little more thoughtful of others and ourselves - just for a day.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In New Zealand, people who prefer NOT to have sex with carnivores are called what?"

37% answered "Herbaphiles." Nope. That's people who want to bink this guy...


12% said picked "Petabreds." I love this one. PETA bred/ Pita Bread. People who only sleep with PETA members. I think I may have just coined a phrase here, myself. What? Members of Peta are all hippy crunchy granoloa-y and smell too much like patouchli to want to get it on with? I beg to differ.



25% said "Cowfuckers." I will NOT be posting a picture for this one.

Well, okay...



25% also picked the right answer..."Vegansexuals."

According to the newspaper The Press, The New Zealand Centre for Human and Animal Studies discovered the phenomenon (their words, not mine)while doing a survey on cruelty-free consumerism. The word "vegansexual" sure doesn't make vegans creating the free-range beast with two backs sound very sexy. Any of my other answers would work. I also offer for their consideration, Tree Huggers And Kissers, Hemp Humpers or Tofu-ckers.

By Dada Mondo Yippeeeeeee

Die Fotographie ist Dada Tonhöhenschwankung. Ich nahm ihre Seele auf einer kleinen Kamera gefangen. Ich gebe sie zurück zu ihr, wenn sie erlernt, wie man unten vereinbart. Gestern hatten Dadas alle Tonhöhenschwankung, Quiche, Dabo und Ihr wirklich unsere Portraits, die in der Chicago kulturellen Mitte von einem Mann hergestellt wurden, der Jim genannt wurde. Sie ist für unsere Kabarettdarstellung Blinde Essel Hopse. Ich bin unter dem Eindruck, daß diese großen Arbeiten der Schönheit unter die Massen verteilt werden, damit sie an Wände nahe bei anderen Gottheiten, wie Jesus Christ, Vishnu und Vic gehangen werden können Damone. Sie werden durch Gesetz angefordert, diese in Ihr Haus vorstehend einzusetzen. Es befreit Sie, um so zu tun. Als Dada werde ich meistens auf den Parametern der schalen Wiederholungräume und der creaky Stadien begrenzt. Es ist immer eine Festlichkeit, zum unter den Leuten zu erlöschen, die um die Stadt unashamedly in ihren blanken Gesichtern und in sideways flüchtigen Blicken gehen. Wenn sie nur konnten, sie schauten, würden sie sich schnell bedecken und wünschen für Tod. Um mich für den Tag vorzubereiten, aß ich Toast. Zu hören ist auch nützlich, zu den Sachen, die mich erinnern an, wie gesund ich bin und wie geisteskrank die Welt ist. So schalte ich die Nachrichten ein. Ich hörte, daß es ein verpfuschtes exorcism in Phoenix gab. Offenbar die Arbeit der Bewunderer! Präsident Bush versucht, Bericht mit Premierminister-Braun zu errichten. Ich empfehle sie tue dies, indem ich liebevoll in jede andere Augen schaue und ihre Backen streichele, und Sachen wie flüsternd, "Mann, sind Sie so verflixtes nettes! Wo, betonen, Sie dieses adorable zu erhalten! Ich möchte Sie in meine Tasche einsetzen und Sie mit einem Löffel und einem regurgitate essen Sie auf die Frontseite meines icebox und Sie dort halten für immer!" Dann und nur dann, Wille haben wir Weltfrieden. Aber ich würde eher Weltpfirsich essen und uns alle unsere Weise mit nur unseren Öffnungen, zur Grube graben lasse. Ingmar Bergman starb am Alter von 89. Der Nachrichten Mann sagte, daß die Ursache des Todes unbekannt ist. Die Ursache des Todes ist unbekannt? Die Ursache des Todes ist er war 89! 89 Jahre, alle Funktion in enger Zusammenarbeit, getötetes Ingmar Bergman. Dada Mondo Yippeeeeeee! Der größte Detektiv der Welt!

Die englische Übersetzung von diesem ist...



The photograph is Dada Flutter. I captured her soul on a small camera. I will give it back to her when she learns how to settle down.

Yesterday, Dadas Flutter, Quiche, Dabo and yours truly all had our portraits created at the Chicago Cultural Center by a man destined to be named Jim. It is for our cabaret presentation Blinde Essel Hopse. I am under the impression that these great works of beauty will be distributed amongst the masses so that they may be hung on walls next to other deities, such as Jesus Christ, Vishnu and Vic Damone. You will be required by law to put these prominently in your home. It will liberate you to do so.

As a Dada, I am mostly confined to the parameters of musty rehearsal spaces and creaky stages. It is always a treat to go out among the people who walk around the town unashamedly in their naked faces and sideways glances. If they only knew how they looked, they would quickly cover themselves and wish for death.

To prepare for the day, I ate toast.

It is also helpful to listen to things that remind me of how sane I am and how insane the world is. So, I turn on the news.

I heard there was a botched exorcism in Phoenix. Clearly the work of amateurs!

President Bush is trying to build rapport with Prime Minister Brown. I recommend they do this by looking lovingly into each others eyes, caressing their cheeks, and whispering things like, "Gosh, you are so darned cute! Where did you get that adorable accent? I want to put you in my pocket and eat you with a spoon and regurgitate you onto the front of my icebox and keep you there forever!" Then, and only then, will we have world peace. But I would rather have world peach and have us all burrow our way, using only our mouths, to the pit.

Ingmar Bergman died at the age of 89. The news man said the cause of death is unknown. The cause of death is unknown? The cause of death is he was 89! 89 seperate years, all working in close collaboration, killed Ingmar Bergman.

Dada Mondo Yippeeeeeee! The world's greatest detective!

Back to Joe-Joe the dogged-faced boy...


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A new company in California called FlexPetz does what with animals?"

Nobody picked what I thought was the perfect answer, "helps them lose weight." It's California. Somebody somewhere has a personal trainer for their pet. I'll put money on it!

Also coming up empty were "trains them to occupy small spaces" -again, one I thought wasn't too far from reality- and "soaks them in oil to make them more pliable" - actually, it's just to make them more tasty.

The correct answer, receiving 100% of the responses, was "rents them out."

Yep. But according to Marlena Cervantes, the CEO of FlexPets, they don't like to call it that. She refers to it as shared pet ownership. That's right. Man's Best Friend now has an hourly rate. Call it what you like, but when I'm paying for companionship, I'm expecting a little something-something after I buy you some Alpo and clean up your poop.

Robots and Dinosaurs in Wisconsin

I spent the weekend in a small town in Wisconsin outside of Madison with a core group from the Thursday evenings RoboWriters. Pictured above are Joe Linstroth, Nat Topping, Chris Othic and Geoff Crump. Brian Crowley and Greg Wendling were unable to make it.

You might be thinking, "Hey, Joe, that's a lot of sausage for a writer's group." Well, you're right, although it's not as much sausage as you think because we tend to exaggerate the amount. I put this group together by inviting people I knew would be up to the challenge of generating a lot of high quality material on a weekly basis and are available on Thursday nights. There were women invited, unfortunately, Thursday's did not work for them. We are conscientious of it, though, and are writing roles for women and will be relying on the input of the actresses we cast for our show.

The weekend getaway, courtesy of Joe Linstroth's friend Sue Mullen, gave us an opportunity to take a step back from two and a half month's worth of material and see what we have. This is the first time I ever sat down with a group of writers and look for themes and connections in our pieces. If something like that is ever done in a sketch revue, it's usually done after the bulk of the material is selected purely based on how it stands on its own. We took a look at what possible shows could emerge from our big pile of primordial sketch ooze and will start to write and develop for those areas.

Some of the major themes we noticed in our work are:

- Death and dying (lots of death and dying!)
- History and period pieces
- Storytelling
- fruit

Yep. Fruit. For some reason beyond our comprehension, almost everyone had a scene where fruit figured into it. I have no idea what to do with that piece of information.

We have to bring Brian and Greg up to speed on what we did over the weekend, which may affect the list above. Then we'll start working toward putting together our material for a staged reading in the fall.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"In Florida, an already convicted convict was additionally arrested for doing what while alone in his cell?"

25% of you answered "Threatening to punch the president" and "Trying to join Al-Qaeda" Neither answer is correct, but frighteningly in the realm of possibility.

Nobody answered "flirting with a male guard." Everyone knows convicts and guards don't play such coy games as flirting. "So, is that a nightstick in your pock---ow, my skull!"

50% of you nailed it with, quite simply, "Masturbating." According to The Associated Press, a jury took 45 minutes to return a guilty verdict for indecent exposure brought against Terry Alexander for masturbating while alone in his cell. He was turned in by a female guard watching his cell on a monitor. Alexander is already doing ten years in jail for armed robbery.

Folks, if masturbation is a crime, I'm public enemy number one. My picture should be up in post offices all across this land (I'd do it myself, but I only have one free hand.). My heart goes out to this guy. If I were facing ten years in prison, I'd essentially be doing two things in my cell; masturbating and thinking about masturbating. The only sane thing to come out of this is that his sentence of sixty days runs concurrently with his other sentence, so no extra time to be served. But just so he doesn't become a repeat offender, I recommend he be more discreet. Hopefully, with this and the armed robbery charge, he'll learn to keep his weapon concealed.

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

Hey, Gang - I'm in a small town near a small lake in Wisconsin and internet access has been sketchy. Here's the Saturday Morning Cartoon. I will update the news quiz on Sunday. Thanks for tuning in! - Joe

The Banana Splits Adventure Hour! (1968-1970)




The Banana Splits was another fictional band that had mad-cap Monkees-like slapstick fun and music. Their main playground was an amusement park. I'm not sure which one, but it was a part of Kings Island's chain. In fact, they all had a Hanna-Barbera Land. I used to love the Scooby-Doo roller coaster and the boat ride through Hanna-Barbera Land (imagine my shock and disgust when I returned to King's Island in the '80's to find the boat ride converted into a celebration of Smurf Land!). Being a kid's show in support of an amusement park wasn't a new idea. It was just a poor man's version of The Wonderful World of Disney.

The show was hosted by the Splits, often terrorized by a disturbing group of go-go girls called The Sour Grapes Bunch, and featured cartoons and live action serial adventures, like "Danger Island."

Richard Donner - yes, THAT Richard Donner - was one of the directors. You can tell by the slapstick in these shows where he gets his flair (or intense lack of) for action sequences and ham-fisted humor.

Here's a sample of the buffoonery, complete with the opening theme song that, if you are not familiar with The 'Nanners, you have probably heard and not known what it was from.

Here are the lyrics so you can sing along...

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

One banana, two banana, three banana, four.
Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the banana buggies go
Comin' on to bring you The Banana Splits Show.

Makin up a mess of fun
Makin up a mess of fun
Lot's of fun for everyone.

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

Four banana, three banana, two banana, one.
All bananas playing in the bright warm sun.
Flippin like a pancake, poppin like a cork
Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper and Snork.

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

Two Banana, four banana, one banana, three
Swinging like a bunch of monkeys hanging from a tree
Hey there everybody won't you come along and see
How much like Banana Splits everyone can be

Making up a mess of fun,
Making up a mess of fun
Lots of fun for everyone

Tra la la, la la la la, Tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la, Tra la la, la la la la

Make-A-Hero

ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

Thank you, Chris Othic, for filling in for me last night.

The assignment, very simply, is to write a superhero scene. There are two ways to approach this. Create your own superhero or put a new spin on an old one. These scenes are fun to write, but can also be challenging to make interesting to anyone other than YOU!

In both angles, the characters are in grave danger of coming out two-dimensional. In creating a superhero, you might spend a lot of attention on what their main super power is and not give them any humanity. In the second, you might take that well-known superhero and go the easy dark road. What, he cusses? What, he does drugs? What, he's a slob? What, he wears tights and hangs out with young boys? The tough part is making it something we haven't seen.

One way to start is with the most defining part of a superhero, their power. Make a list of 10 super powers that you've never heard of or that you really wish you had.

Here's Chris's list:

1. Project emotions on other people

2. Read dirty thoughts of others (but only their dirty thoughts)

3. See people naked

4. Find parking spots at will

5. Turn water into Bud Light

6. Turn people into puppies

7. Impregnate women by looking at them

8. Detect when the train is coming

9. Tell weights and measure by sight

10. Sing like anyone you want to

Now pair each item on that list with someone who is most unlikely to have that power.

1. Two year old

2. Nun

3. Blind Man

4. Homeless Guy

5. AA Sponsor

6. A cat lady

7. 16 year old nerd

8. Keanu Reeves

9. Football Coach

10. Preacher

Now pick three of these and give them a cheesy (or not) super hero name.

Chris picked 1) the nun who heard people's dirty thoughts (Big Mother--as in "Big Mother is Watching You"; 2) Cat lady who turned people into puppies (The Puppler); and 3) 16 year old nerd that could impregnate women by looking at them (The Impregnanator)

Now create a villian to go along with your hero. It might be one of your three from above. The villian usually has powers that directly oppose the hero's.

Big Mother vs Pervo - he gives people really dirty thoughts

The Puppler vs Fire Hydrant Man - maybe he distracts all those puppies with his fire hydrants?

Impregnanator vs Captain Abortion - although maybe he would be a better sidekick

Another approach to this scene is to craft your hero first by figuring out who you would like to see have a super power that we you don't normally associate with the Clark Kents and Bruce Waynes of the world. Using something from your own life is a good place to start. For six months, I once temp-ed in the accounting department of a huge real estate conglomerate. I sat next to a woman probably named Mildred. She was probably in her 50's, a little squat and frumpy and I'm pretty sure that thing on her head was either a wig or a Chia pet. She had a little portable radio on her desk always barely audio and barely tuned to a soft rock station. Mildred will be my superhero.

Now, what powers will she have? I've already got her day job and alter ego. I imagine she gets summoned secretly by the Chief of Police via dedications read by dee-jays on the soft rock station. She seemed to spend most of her day typing and licking things (envelopes, mostly), so those will be her two big powers - speedy fingers and projectile moisture. I will call her The Administrator. She multi-tasks justice.

Now, that I have that, I just need to craft a scenario where her super powers will come into play. It could be via her arch enemy, which could be anything from The Merger to The De-Filer.
And, of course, your hero needs someone to save. So, perhaps Billy the temp has been trapped in the records room by The De-Filer and he's already made quite a mess. Etc, etc, etc.

Focus on heightening the scene by exploring their powers and vulnerabilities. The scene can be anything you want and doesn't necessarily have to be "heroic." Maybe The Impregnanator and Captain Abortion work at McDonald's together. You can also choose to forget the villian and just do a scene focusing on your hero and his powers and how they affect his daily life.

Have fun!



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"This summer, waters off of central California are being invaded by what?"

The popular answer with 57% responding was "Surfing MILFS." If it's not already a website, it should be. Please send me the royalties

14% answered "E. Coli." Nah. Sadly, that's a given at any beach.

No one fell for "Cuddle Shark." While I'm sure even a shark needs a hug once in awhile, those are two words that do not belong together.

The correct answer, which 29% got, is "Giant Squid."

According to the Associated Press, these seven feet long, 110 pound cephalopods have been quite a problem as they have been preying on the anchovy and hake, competing with tuna, sharks and commercial fishermen. They used to only be found near the equater in the Pacific, but have been expanding their operation to as far north as Alaska. Scientists think it might have to do with either the warming of the ocean or a decrease in the population of those that prey on the rather phallic fish, mainly swordfish, large tuna, shark and surfing MILFS.

Almost Almost Famous!

I won my first award for my blog. By the way, I'm not a fan of that word. When it comes out my mouth, it sounds something like "buh-law-GUH."

It's called The Thinking Blogger Award and I received it from Don Hall. You're probably thinking, "Hey, he's your friend. Isn't that sort of like getting an award from your mom?" No. It's not. Don's a bit of a hard ass. And if my mom gave me an award it would be called The That's Nice, Dear Award. Don's also not the originator of it.

The origin of this award is The Thinking Blog.

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (you have a choice of a silver version or a gold one).

This award has really gone to my head. I plan on using it to parlay my superstar celebrity as a presence on the Internet. I'm talking big, paparazzi, coke habit, plastic surgery, going outside without my underwear on BIG!

I'm already practicing for when my mugshot gets plastered all over the news. This is my high out of my mind mugshot.


Check out the veins in the forehead and the intense anger-to-tears expression. Tabloid gold!

And this is my "incarcerated, but still hot" mugshot.


This just screams, "I'm naughty, but still love me all you little people." Gee, I hope Don doesn't ask for the award back after this post.

Here are the five bloggers that make me think and I am shining the bright light of this award on them.

1) Pete Ficht and Paul Custodio at The Graffiti Table.
They dazzle you with a lot of silly stuff while slipping in some smart and smartass commentary on advertising, music and the state of the nation.

2) Jane Espenson at Jane in Progress.
Jane is one of my favorite television writers. Equally savvy at comedy and drama as evidenced by her work on Buffy, Firefly and Battlestar Galactica. She also lets you know what she had for lunch that day and it's gotten to where I would be disappointed if she ever stopped doing that.

3) Ken Levine at By Ken Levine.
Ken's one of the masters of the situation comedy. He's firmly rooted in history, as with his work on M*A*S*H, but he's not stuck there. He's got a lot of good stuff to say about comedy writing, television, the world and baseball.

4) Mike Gerber at mikegerber.com.
Mike is one smart, funny cookie. An excellent parodist and novelist. His daily commentaries are like a mint for your brain.

5) Adam Felber at Fanatical Apathy.
Adam's a regular on "Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me!" and his off-kilter patriotic wit bleeds red, white and blue all over this blog.

I check these blogs every day. They make me think and they make me laugh. Of course, three out the five have never heard of me, but, oh, well. They make me think, I'm giving them an award. That's America!


ROBOWRITERS IS TONIGHT

AT 6:30PM AT THE UPTOWN WRITER'S SPACE!COME AND HAVE YOUR COMEDY SKETCH HEARD!

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"You're at a nightclub with your friend Billy Bibbet and he has an epileptic fit. According to medical experts, you should..."


No one picked "Call an ambulance, quick!" By the time they get there, the seizure will have passed and you'll be stuck with an ambulance bill, plus their drinks.

16% answered "Pretend he's dancing and join in!" Close, but it only works if you're wearing a toga and shout, "Gator!"

The popular answer with 66% was "Shove your tri-fold velcro wallet in his mouth!" A lot of people think you have to do this to keep the person from swallowing their tongue. Have you ever tried to swallow your tongue, or anyone else's? Unless it's part of a sandwich, it can't be done.

The correct answer, also with 16%, is "Whoa, give the dude some space!"

According to s recent report on the BBC, there are many potentially harmful myths about what to do when someone is having seizure, including the "shove something in their mouth" myth which could block their air passage. The best thing you can do is make sure they are safe and let it run its course, usually less than five minutes.

And yell, "GATOR!"

Part(y)-Time, U.S.A.!

I'm not always the sharpest dart hitting the board when it comes to labor laws. Yesterday, I got it all worked up in my head how I was going to write about how Universal Health Care would improve the quality of education in the U.S. My main point was the false assumption that educational institutions rely heavily on part-time employees because once you make people full-time, you have to give them health insurance. And that's why it's in an employer's best financial interests to keep a bevy of part-time employees in their Rolodex. In fact, I thought that was true for all businesses. Turns out, that's not true. It may be true in some states, but not in Illinois.

It's hard to find data on this. Go ahead and take a peek at the Departments of Labor for the U.S. and for Illinois. I couldn't find anything that says full-time employees must receive even a minimum of health insurance. All I could find is that what distinguishes a part-timer from a full-timer is entirely up to the employer! You can work 40 hours a week or more and still be considered part-time.

There are a whole bunch of variables on what an employer can or will offer for health insurance and it usually boils down to what they are willing to pay to keep you happy. That's why a lot of people are willing to leave jobs they love for suckier jobs with better health plans. Usually, employers begrudgingly offer health insurance if it helps them keep their employees from jumping ship or trying to unionize.

I think I still have a case for my theory, but I've never had such a tough time gathering information on-line. Your thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

I have two part-time jobs as a teacher - one at a private institution and one that has to follow state regulations on education - and it kind of pisses me off. I love both my jobs. Absolutely head-over-heels in love with them. I want to marry them in a more-than-one-wife Mormon kind of way. I tout their benefits to anyone and everyone. I'm proud of the work I do. I feel like I make a difference at these jobs, but I can't survive on their income - my girlfriend will attest to that! I'm fine when both are in swing at the same time, but that's the problem with part-time jobs. I only get paid when I work. No vacation days, no sick days, no health insurance, no 401k. And, in my case, no guarantee on the number of classes.

Now, at one of the places, to be fair, there is a union for part-time employees. It ensures us decent wage increases and a few other perks, like a sick day or two, tuition remission, and a 10% discount at Target (on-line only)and $2 off at The Hair Cuttery, but that's about it.

A class can be cancelled at the last minute at either place and the income I planned on for the next few months is gone. Poof! At both places, 80-90% of the faculty is made up of part-time teachers. At one of the places, it looks like they are about to hire more teachers. They take on five to ten new teachers every year anyway as part of a training program, so this is even on top of that.

And this got me thinking... why?

Why not have fewer people work full-time and keep the quality of the education - or whatever the product is - high? Surely, it's easier to ensure the quality if there's only a dozen people on the same page than trying to get sixty or more keeping the bar high. And won't that dozen be happier making a living at what they love more than anything?

Maybe business is that good? Are we going to be overloading our classrooms and going to have to start teaching in the park?

Nope. That's not it. Must be another reason.

I know, it's still about saving money!!!

I can think of two reasons to load up on part-timers in any business.

1) New hires work at a lower wage. More experienced teachers making more per hour end up working less.

2) If a smaller group of people are working more hours - enough to build a decent living on - then guess what? The bastards are going to want more! They'll want superfluous things like health insurance, weekly salaries and vacation days. And they will have more leverage to get it because they're the only ones we've got! Did I hear someone whisper "union"? Yikes! Fire them all! Call Manpower! See if they have any improv teachers!

It's not just where I work. This is happening all over. It's been happening in the restaurant industry since the first burger got flipped (read Fast Food Nation). It all boils down to how much you care about what you are selling. If you care little and people are still buying it, nothing's going to change. If you care, then it's time to invest in people. Nurture the ones you have and watch the quality grow.

Universal Health Care would help education and all employers because it would take off the pressure and expense to deliver something that should be our human right.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Kim Jong-Il's favorite magician injured herself while performing which stunt?"

33% answered The Sharp Blades of Destiny Illusion.

55% answered The Spinning Rabbits of Fire and Self-Reliance Illusion, but I think that was more an expressed desire to see spinning bunnies ablaze.

Everyone wisely avoided The Spoiled Child with Nuclear Weapons Illusion.

The correct answer is The Spike Illusion in the Face of Death.

According to the AFP, Japanese magician Princess Tenko, who often performs for North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il at his request, was supposed to escape from a box on the moment it was spiked with 10 fake swords, but instead they trapped her inside. She broke her right cheek and a few ribs.

In an interview earlier this year, Tenko said she spoke about entertainment with Kim, whose regime has tense relations with Japan.

"He seemed to have thought I was American and he praised me for my success in the US despite being Japanese," Tenko said.

Here she is floating, blissfully thinking about Kim Jong-Il.