The Drak Side of the Moron

(Ugh! The poll template service is still down. Scroll down on the left to see the answers for The BS News Quiz of the Day.)

I'm a little disappointed that I haven't heard back from Beniak Joe or his secretary Ikwu about the cashier's checque for 1950,000.00 us dollars that they owe me. This is very upsetting as I already started pricing Hummers at CarMax.

Fortunately, my stellar reputation as an upright businessman knows no international boundaries. This is for even more than what Beniak Joe is going to give me. If they both come through, my head will explode and then I will pay a team of scientists cash from my pocket to rebuild it and re-attach it. I found this e-mail in my "in box" this morning...

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA

INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT

CORPORATE HEAD QUARTERS

TINUBU SQUARE, LAGOS

TEL: +234-802-356-0936

FROM DESK OF:
PROF CHARLES SOLUDO
EXCUTIVE GOVERNOR
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA

ATTN: HONOURABLE CONTRACTOR,

IMMEDIATE CONTRACT PAYMENT.CONTRACT #:MAV/NNPC/FGN/MIN/009

From the records of outstanding contractors due for payment with the Federal Government of Nigeria, your name and company was discovered as next on the list of the outstanding contractors who have not yet received their payments.

I wish to inform you that your payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this letter. Also note that from my record in my file your outstanding contract payment is US$25,500,000.00 (Twenty Five Million Five hundred Thousand United States Dollars).

Kindly re-confirm to me the followings:
1) Your full name.
2) Phone, fax and mobile #.
3) Company name, position and address.
4) Profession, age and marital status.
5) Banking Information/address account number/ swift code

As soon as this information is received, your payment will be made to you in a certified bank draft or wired to your nominated bank account directly from Central Bank of Nigeria.

You can email me on my private box at; p_cc_s11@yahoo.com as soon as you receive this letter for more clarification or call my private line. +234-802-356-0936 now.

REGARDS

Prof. Charles Soludo.
Executive Governor,
Central Bank of Nigeria [CBN]
DIRCT LINE -234-802-356-0936.

WARNING!!!

**THIS COMMUNICATION (INCLUDING ANY ATTACHMENTS) IS INTENDED FOR THE USE OF THE INTENDED RECIPIENT (S) ONLY AND MAY CONTAIN INFORMATION THAT IS CONFIDENTIAL, PRIVILEGED OR LEGALLY PROTECTED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OR DISSEMINATION OF THIS COMMUNICATION OR IN PART IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED THIS COMMUNICATION IN ERROR, PLEASE IMMEDIATELY NOTIFY THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA BY RETURN E-MAIL MESSAGE AND DELETE ALL COPIES OF THE ORIGINAL COMMUNICATION. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION. ***? 2007. CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (NIGERIA APEX BANK)

I know this is legit because of the fuzzy j-peg logo and and the stern warning is in an official red color. I responded to this immediately!

Dear Executive Governor,

I was so excited to receive your e-mail and to find I am due 25, 500, 000.00 U.S. dollars by the Central Bank of Nigeria. Here is the information you requested. I anxiously await your response.

1) Your full name - Joseph Tiberius Janes
2) Phone, fax and mobile #. - I have no fax number and my home phone and cell phone are the same. It's 1-312-588-2300
3) Company name, position and address - Robot vs Dinosaur-Chicago, artistic director, 1065 West Hollywood Ave, apt. 1-N, Chicago, IL 60660 (I work out of my apartment)
4) Profession, age and marital status - Teacher, 46, single, but living with my hot Asian girlfriend
5) Banking Information/address account number/ swift code - I bank at TCF, which is in a grocery store. The address is Jewel-Osco, 5343 N Broadway St, Chicago, IL 60640. I don't have the other information handy, but would prefer a check to direct deposit anyway. If you need me to hold one to it for a little bit to make sure it clears, no problem. I understand, believe me!

Thanks!

Yours in Christ,

Joe

Keep your fingers crossed, everybody! I don't know how long it will be for them to send a check from Nigeria, but as soon as it comes in, we're all going to Six Flags! With enough of us, I'm sure we can get some kind of discount.


ROBOWRITER'S ASSIGNMENT

For next week's assignment, you'll need to channel your darker side. I love dark comedy and don't consider anything sacred or off limits. The topics or issues themselves may not be inherently funny, but we're all humans and where there's humans there's humor.

To gear you up for it, write a list of ten things you think are absolutely not funny nor should ever be poked fun of. Here's mine...

1) AIDS
2) child abuse
3) cancer
4) Alzheimer's
5) old age
6) cruelty to animals
7) religious beliefs
8) suicide
9) sexual predators
10) racial stereotypes

Fun, eh?

The next step is to take one of the items on your list and do another list of situations - real, imagined, from your own experience, from people you know - where the issue comes into play.

Last night at RoboWriters, David Devries made a list using "Abortion." Here's a sample of his list paraphrased and partially made-up as I'm going by memory.

1) a girl tells her boyfriend she's pregnant
2) a girl tells her parents she's pregnant
3) a woman tells her husband that she recently had an abortion
4) a couple trying to have a baby run into a friend on her way to have an abortion
5) Two rabid anti-abortion protesters hook up and the girl gets pregnant and one of them wants it aborted

Now, the tricky part... make it funny. Some of these have potential for humor just because of the irony of the situation. For others, you may have to apply some comic techniques. Here are some examples...

- Turn the tables - The anti-abortion protesters are already in this predicament.

- Inappropriate Response - A couple tells one of their sets of parents that they are pregnant. The soon-to-be grandparents try to convince them to have an abortion. Either they don't think the baby would turn out right or they just aren't ready to be grandparents and can't handle it.

- Clash of Context - Instead of a Baby Shower, a woman holds an Abortion Shower to celebrate her devotion to non-motherhood. Gifts could be things like thongs.

It's a challenging assignment. It's hard to ride that line between just being a little sick and being repulsive. But it's good to experience where the line is drawn for you.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

" Yu Zhenhuan is campaigning to be one of the celebrities to carry the torch at the 2008 Olympics in China. His claim to fame is what?"

The blogspot poll service wasn't working, so I don't know what you picked. I will assume you all picked the correct answer because y ou are all so damn smart. The possible answers were...

"He started China's first porn website."
Nope. Nudity doesn't exist in the government's eyes in China.

"He's that guy that stood in front of that tank."
Not this one, either. No one seems to know for sure who that guy was. And China would prefer to keep it that way.

"He's the best basketball player to ever come out of China."
If that were the case, the NBA would have drafted him out of elementary school.

"He has hair over 96% of his body."
Yep.

According to The Times, China's hairiest man, who goes by the nickname "King Kong," wants to carry the Olympic torch. China hasn't said "no" to his request as they are still considering all applications. Sure, this man was born to carry a torch. While also carrying a spear and hunting for matodon. I don't know how I feel about it, except to say that there's nothing quite as repelling as the smell of burnt hair. He'll have to agree to wearing an asbestos jumpsuit.

I Don't Mean to Brag, But...

(BS note: The poll template for the News Quiz is down. To see the answer choices, just scroll down on the left, pick an answer, scribble it onto a Post-It note and then stick that over where the answers should be.)

It looks like I'm going to be coming into some money.

A lot of money.

We're talking, Joe's-going-to-buy-a-Hummer-and-vote-Republican kind of money. How did I do it? What's my secret? Well, apparently, there's been some people speaking very highly of me overseas. I got this e-mail yesterday...

Dearest friend,

Season Greeting from Beniak Joe who contacted you long ago, I am very happy to
inform you about my success in getting that fund, Now I want you to contact my
secretary on the information below with your Full Name/Address and Phone Number
for easy communication: NAME: Ikwu samuel

EMAIL: ikwusamuel77@myway.com

Ask him to send you the total sum of (1950,000.00 ) One Million Nine Hundred and
Fifty Thousand us dollarsd thousand USD CASHIER'S CHEQUE, which I kept for your
compensation CONTACT THE SECRETARY ON this Email:ikwusamuel77@myway.com

Regards,

Beniak Joe

Now, I must be honest. I don't think I received an earlier e-mail. The name "Beniak Joe" would have stuck with me, I should think. This guy might have me confused with another Joe Janes. There's not many of us, but if you do a Google on me - and, yes, I have Googled myself, several times - you'll find a search result showdown going on between me and some Seattle Internet librarian professor dude. So, maybe the compensation was meant for him. In that case, I'll consider splitting the money with him. 80/20 sounds fair, since I'm doing all the work. Here's the e-mail I sent in reply...

Dear Ikwu,

I received the e-mail from Beniak Joe. Season greeting. I hope you are doing well. I understand you are going to send me a cashier's checque for 1950,000.00 us dollars. That is wonderful news. My mother is in a nursing home and employment for me has been very scarce this summer. My girlfriend will be very happy to hear about this - I can't tell you how much she's been riding me about not making any money. She thinks I should grow up and find a real job. This will make her shut her ice-cream hole! This money will certainly come in handy.

Yours in Christ,
Joe

I can't wait for that checque to come in. The first thing I'm going to do is buy everyone I know a hat. Something nice. Purple felt fedoras, maybe. With my or that other Joe Janes' picture on it.

ROBOWRITERS

Is tonight at 6:30pm at the Uptown Writer's Space. Come bring a scene to read or come hear other scenes and get an assignment. You know you wanna.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to scientists, being left-handed also raises the possibility of being what?"

40% picked "A World Leader."
No, that's not the right answer. Most world leaders are ambidextrous so they can reach into your back pocket with one hand while pointing at you with their fisted thumb with the other.

20% said "A Math Genius."
That would be incorrect, as well. Being left-handed just means your numbers would lean differently than everyone else's.

No one fell for "An Artistic Rebel."
It would be correct if you consider drawing real crappy rebellious.

The correct answer, that 40% chose, was "A Nutbag."
Sorry to put it so indelicately.

According to the BBC, a gene has been found that indicates left-handedness. It's also the same gene that raises the risk of psychotic mental illness such as schizophrenia.

Who are some famous left-handers?

Just for a Day

So, I finally got around to watching Who Killed the Electric Car?

If you haven't seen it, please do. Like the current Sicko, it should be required viewing for U.S. citizens eighteen and older, especially our law makers. It's a wake-up call to take back our rights as consumers and Americans. I haven't felt this worked up since Michael Moore's book Stupid White Men woke me from my post-9/11 somnambulistic state back in 2002.

In this country, it's clear that we vote with our dollars and politicians are for sale. Businesses with cash reserves much larger than ours are setting policy in our government. Our only recourse is to not buy what they are selling by not voting for candidates tucked into the pockets of corporate backing and by not buying what those corporations keep shoving in our faces.

I'm no angel when it comes to ethical economics. My shoes are vegan, but they were probably manufactured in a sweat shop somewhere, possibly even in the good ol' U. S. of A. But together, all of us can make smarter choices that will help steer our country toward a healthier state - economically, environmentally and societally.

If you read this blog regularly, then you probably already have an edge on most people when it comes to being aware of the injustices going on in the world. And, like me, you're probably also frustrated at how hopeless and helpless it can feel to not be able to take immediate action and see immediate results.

Uncle Sam has an addiction-driven personality and we're all in al-anon. We're not going to see overnight results. We can help by taking it one day at a time.

Just for a day, be a little more conscious.

Think before you spend any money. If you support the company and the product you are buying and it makes you feel better to encourage that company, then buy it. If a little voice inside you're head goes,"Sheesh, I can't believe I'm giving my money to Satan, again. I don't even like this coffee. I have to pay extra for foam and syrup just to keep from gagging on it." Then maybe you should put your wallet or purse away and step away from the counter. Just for the day.

Think before your eat. Listen to your body. Are you feeding an addiction for salt, sugar or fried food or legitimately satisfying a hunger? And what the hell are you putting in your mouth, anyway? Is it genuinely nutritious or is it something advertisers told you was needed to get through the day? Are you really lovin' it? Check the ingredients. If there are a lot of words you don't recognize as English, maybe leave it off your plate, or tray, or desk. If an animal died for it, be very aware of where it came from and the torture process the animal went through and the amount of growth hormones and other chemicals pumped into it before you take a bite. Maybe some whole fruits or vegetables, instead. Just for a day.

Before you turn on the TV or crack open a book, consider what you are feeding your brain. Is it junkfood or nutrition? Will it make you think? Will you learn something? Or will it put you into an entertainment coma? Give your brain a balanced meal. Keep it healthy, too.

Think before you act. Let people off the train before you hop on. Give the car ahead of you time to move before honking your horn. Open doors for people. Give people room to pass on the sidewalk. Slow down in getting your body from Point A to Point B. Be kind. Be aware of your surroundings. See the other human beings around you. Maybe leave the ear buds at home - just for a day.

Universal health care, electric cars, organic foods, world peace... There are a lot of people who don't want you to have these.

There are people in our government who want to keep you dumb and afraid. There are people paying those people lots of money to keep you dumb and afraid. They don't care about the environment or our neighbors. They don't care if we choke on our air, get scorched by our sun, or drown in our undrinkable waters. They do care about lining their pockets with money. And if that money comes soaked in blood and oil, then that's just an acceptable loss they are willing to make on our behalf.

Not everyone in government and in corporations are driven by greed. There is hope. There are a few good eggs out there. But it takes us waking up and seeking them out and encouraging them to make the difference we want to see in the world in our lifetime.

It starts by being a little more conscious of our actions and a little more thoughtful of others and ourselves - just for a day.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In New Zealand, people who prefer NOT to have sex with carnivores are called what?"

37% answered "Herbaphiles." Nope. That's people who want to bink this guy...


12% said picked "Petabreds." I love this one. PETA bred/ Pita Bread. People who only sleep with PETA members. I think I may have just coined a phrase here, myself. What? Members of Peta are all hippy crunchy granoloa-y and smell too much like patouchli to want to get it on with? I beg to differ.



25% said "Cowfuckers." I will NOT be posting a picture for this one.

Well, okay...



25% also picked the right answer..."Vegansexuals."

According to the newspaper The Press, The New Zealand Centre for Human and Animal Studies discovered the phenomenon (their words, not mine)while doing a survey on cruelty-free consumerism. The word "vegansexual" sure doesn't make vegans creating the free-range beast with two backs sound very sexy. Any of my other answers would work. I also offer for their consideration, Tree Huggers And Kissers, Hemp Humpers or Tofu-ckers.

By Dada Mondo Yippeeeeeee

Die Fotographie ist Dada Tonhöhenschwankung. Ich nahm ihre Seele auf einer kleinen Kamera gefangen. Ich gebe sie zurück zu ihr, wenn sie erlernt, wie man unten vereinbart. Gestern hatten Dadas alle Tonhöhenschwankung, Quiche, Dabo und Ihr wirklich unsere Portraits, die in der Chicago kulturellen Mitte von einem Mann hergestellt wurden, der Jim genannt wurde. Sie ist für unsere Kabarettdarstellung Blinde Essel Hopse. Ich bin unter dem Eindruck, daß diese großen Arbeiten der Schönheit unter die Massen verteilt werden, damit sie an Wände nahe bei anderen Gottheiten, wie Jesus Christ, Vishnu und Vic gehangen werden können Damone. Sie werden durch Gesetz angefordert, diese in Ihr Haus vorstehend einzusetzen. Es befreit Sie, um so zu tun. Als Dada werde ich meistens auf den Parametern der schalen Wiederholungräume und der creaky Stadien begrenzt. Es ist immer eine Festlichkeit, zum unter den Leuten zu erlöschen, die um die Stadt unashamedly in ihren blanken Gesichtern und in sideways flüchtigen Blicken gehen. Wenn sie nur konnten, sie schauten, würden sie sich schnell bedecken und wünschen für Tod. Um mich für den Tag vorzubereiten, aß ich Toast. Zu hören ist auch nützlich, zu den Sachen, die mich erinnern an, wie gesund ich bin und wie geisteskrank die Welt ist. So schalte ich die Nachrichten ein. Ich hörte, daß es ein verpfuschtes exorcism in Phoenix gab. Offenbar die Arbeit der Bewunderer! Präsident Bush versucht, Bericht mit Premierminister-Braun zu errichten. Ich empfehle sie tue dies, indem ich liebevoll in jede andere Augen schaue und ihre Backen streichele, und Sachen wie flüsternd, "Mann, sind Sie so verflixtes nettes! Wo, betonen, Sie dieses adorable zu erhalten! Ich möchte Sie in meine Tasche einsetzen und Sie mit einem Löffel und einem regurgitate essen Sie auf die Frontseite meines icebox und Sie dort halten für immer!" Dann und nur dann, Wille haben wir Weltfrieden. Aber ich würde eher Weltpfirsich essen und uns alle unsere Weise mit nur unseren Öffnungen, zur Grube graben lasse. Ingmar Bergman starb am Alter von 89. Der Nachrichten Mann sagte, daß die Ursache des Todes unbekannt ist. Die Ursache des Todes ist unbekannt? Die Ursache des Todes ist er war 89! 89 Jahre, alle Funktion in enger Zusammenarbeit, getötetes Ingmar Bergman. Dada Mondo Yippeeeeeee! Der größte Detektiv der Welt!

Die englische Übersetzung von diesem ist...



The photograph is Dada Flutter. I captured her soul on a small camera. I will give it back to her when she learns how to settle down.

Yesterday, Dadas Flutter, Quiche, Dabo and yours truly all had our portraits created at the Chicago Cultural Center by a man destined to be named Jim. It is for our cabaret presentation Blinde Essel Hopse. I am under the impression that these great works of beauty will be distributed amongst the masses so that they may be hung on walls next to other deities, such as Jesus Christ, Vishnu and Vic Damone. You will be required by law to put these prominently in your home. It will liberate you to do so.

As a Dada, I am mostly confined to the parameters of musty rehearsal spaces and creaky stages. It is always a treat to go out among the people who walk around the town unashamedly in their naked faces and sideways glances. If they only knew how they looked, they would quickly cover themselves and wish for death.

To prepare for the day, I ate toast.

It is also helpful to listen to things that remind me of how sane I am and how insane the world is. So, I turn on the news.

I heard there was a botched exorcism in Phoenix. Clearly the work of amateurs!

President Bush is trying to build rapport with Prime Minister Brown. I recommend they do this by looking lovingly into each others eyes, caressing their cheeks, and whispering things like, "Gosh, you are so darned cute! Where did you get that adorable accent? I want to put you in my pocket and eat you with a spoon and regurgitate you onto the front of my icebox and keep you there forever!" Then, and only then, will we have world peace. But I would rather have world peach and have us all burrow our way, using only our mouths, to the pit.

Ingmar Bergman died at the age of 89. The news man said the cause of death is unknown. The cause of death is unknown? The cause of death is he was 89! 89 seperate years, all working in close collaboration, killed Ingmar Bergman.

Dada Mondo Yippeeeeeee! The world's greatest detective!

Back to Joe-Joe the dogged-faced boy...


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A new company in California called FlexPetz does what with animals?"

Nobody picked what I thought was the perfect answer, "helps them lose weight." It's California. Somebody somewhere has a personal trainer for their pet. I'll put money on it!

Also coming up empty were "trains them to occupy small spaces" -again, one I thought wasn't too far from reality- and "soaks them in oil to make them more pliable" - actually, it's just to make them more tasty.

The correct answer, receiving 100% of the responses, was "rents them out."

Yep. But according to Marlena Cervantes, the CEO of FlexPets, they don't like to call it that. She refers to it as shared pet ownership. That's right. Man's Best Friend now has an hourly rate. Call it what you like, but when I'm paying for companionship, I'm expecting a little something-something after I buy you some Alpo and clean up your poop.

Robots and Dinosaurs in Wisconsin

I spent the weekend in a small town in Wisconsin outside of Madison with a core group from the Thursday evenings RoboWriters. Pictured above are Joe Linstroth, Nat Topping, Chris Othic and Geoff Crump. Brian Crowley and Greg Wendling were unable to make it.

You might be thinking, "Hey, Joe, that's a lot of sausage for a writer's group." Well, you're right, although it's not as much sausage as you think because we tend to exaggerate the amount. I put this group together by inviting people I knew would be up to the challenge of generating a lot of high quality material on a weekly basis and are available on Thursday nights. There were women invited, unfortunately, Thursday's did not work for them. We are conscientious of it, though, and are writing roles for women and will be relying on the input of the actresses we cast for our show.

The weekend getaway, courtesy of Joe Linstroth's friend Sue Mullen, gave us an opportunity to take a step back from two and a half month's worth of material and see what we have. This is the first time I ever sat down with a group of writers and look for themes and connections in our pieces. If something like that is ever done in a sketch revue, it's usually done after the bulk of the material is selected purely based on how it stands on its own. We took a look at what possible shows could emerge from our big pile of primordial sketch ooze and will start to write and develop for those areas.

Some of the major themes we noticed in our work are:

- Death and dying (lots of death and dying!)
- History and period pieces
- Storytelling
- fruit

Yep. Fruit. For some reason beyond our comprehension, almost everyone had a scene where fruit figured into it. I have no idea what to do with that piece of information.

We have to bring Brian and Greg up to speed on what we did over the weekend, which may affect the list above. Then we'll start working toward putting together our material for a staged reading in the fall.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"In Florida, an already convicted convict was additionally arrested for doing what while alone in his cell?"

25% of you answered "Threatening to punch the president" and "Trying to join Al-Qaeda" Neither answer is correct, but frighteningly in the realm of possibility.

Nobody answered "flirting with a male guard." Everyone knows convicts and guards don't play such coy games as flirting. "So, is that a nightstick in your pock---ow, my skull!"

50% of you nailed it with, quite simply, "Masturbating." According to The Associated Press, a jury took 45 minutes to return a guilty verdict for indecent exposure brought against Terry Alexander for masturbating while alone in his cell. He was turned in by a female guard watching his cell on a monitor. Alexander is already doing ten years in jail for armed robbery.

Folks, if masturbation is a crime, I'm public enemy number one. My picture should be up in post offices all across this land (I'd do it myself, but I only have one free hand.). My heart goes out to this guy. If I were facing ten years in prison, I'd essentially be doing two things in my cell; masturbating and thinking about masturbating. The only sane thing to come out of this is that his sentence of sixty days runs concurrently with his other sentence, so no extra time to be served. But just so he doesn't become a repeat offender, I recommend he be more discreet. Hopefully, with this and the armed robbery charge, he'll learn to keep his weapon concealed.

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

Hey, Gang - I'm in a small town near a small lake in Wisconsin and internet access has been sketchy. Here's the Saturday Morning Cartoon. I will update the news quiz on Sunday. Thanks for tuning in! - Joe

The Banana Splits Adventure Hour! (1968-1970)




The Banana Splits was another fictional band that had mad-cap Monkees-like slapstick fun and music. Their main playground was an amusement park. I'm not sure which one, but it was a part of Kings Island's chain. In fact, they all had a Hanna-Barbera Land. I used to love the Scooby-Doo roller coaster and the boat ride through Hanna-Barbera Land (imagine my shock and disgust when I returned to King's Island in the '80's to find the boat ride converted into a celebration of Smurf Land!). Being a kid's show in support of an amusement park wasn't a new idea. It was just a poor man's version of The Wonderful World of Disney.

The show was hosted by the Splits, often terrorized by a disturbing group of go-go girls called The Sour Grapes Bunch, and featured cartoons and live action serial adventures, like "Danger Island."

Richard Donner - yes, THAT Richard Donner - was one of the directors. You can tell by the slapstick in these shows where he gets his flair (or intense lack of) for action sequences and ham-fisted humor.

Here's a sample of the buffoonery, complete with the opening theme song that, if you are not familiar with The 'Nanners, you have probably heard and not known what it was from.

Here are the lyrics so you can sing along...

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

One banana, two banana, three banana, four.
Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the banana buggies go
Comin' on to bring you The Banana Splits Show.

Makin up a mess of fun
Makin up a mess of fun
Lot's of fun for everyone.

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

Four banana, three banana, two banana, one.
All bananas playing in the bright warm sun.
Flippin like a pancake, poppin like a cork
Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper and Snork.

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

Two Banana, four banana, one banana, three
Swinging like a bunch of monkeys hanging from a tree
Hey there everybody won't you come along and see
How much like Banana Splits everyone can be

Making up a mess of fun,
Making up a mess of fun
Lots of fun for everyone

Tra la la, la la la la, Tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la, Tra la la, la la la la

Make-A-Hero

ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

Thank you, Chris Othic, for filling in for me last night.

The assignment, very simply, is to write a superhero scene. There are two ways to approach this. Create your own superhero or put a new spin on an old one. These scenes are fun to write, but can also be challenging to make interesting to anyone other than YOU!

In both angles, the characters are in grave danger of coming out two-dimensional. In creating a superhero, you might spend a lot of attention on what their main super power is and not give them any humanity. In the second, you might take that well-known superhero and go the easy dark road. What, he cusses? What, he does drugs? What, he's a slob? What, he wears tights and hangs out with young boys? The tough part is making it something we haven't seen.

One way to start is with the most defining part of a superhero, their power. Make a list of 10 super powers that you've never heard of or that you really wish you had.

Here's Chris's list:

1. Project emotions on other people

2. Read dirty thoughts of others (but only their dirty thoughts)

3. See people naked

4. Find parking spots at will

5. Turn water into Bud Light

6. Turn people into puppies

7. Impregnate women by looking at them

8. Detect when the train is coming

9. Tell weights and measure by sight

10. Sing like anyone you want to

Now pair each item on that list with someone who is most unlikely to have that power.

1. Two year old

2. Nun

3. Blind Man

4. Homeless Guy

5. AA Sponsor

6. A cat lady

7. 16 year old nerd

8. Keanu Reeves

9. Football Coach

10. Preacher

Now pick three of these and give them a cheesy (or not) super hero name.

Chris picked 1) the nun who heard people's dirty thoughts (Big Mother--as in "Big Mother is Watching You"; 2) Cat lady who turned people into puppies (The Puppler); and 3) 16 year old nerd that could impregnate women by looking at them (The Impregnanator)

Now create a villian to go along with your hero. It might be one of your three from above. The villian usually has powers that directly oppose the hero's.

Big Mother vs Pervo - he gives people really dirty thoughts

The Puppler vs Fire Hydrant Man - maybe he distracts all those puppies with his fire hydrants?

Impregnanator vs Captain Abortion - although maybe he would be a better sidekick

Another approach to this scene is to craft your hero first by figuring out who you would like to see have a super power that we you don't normally associate with the Clark Kents and Bruce Waynes of the world. Using something from your own life is a good place to start. For six months, I once temp-ed in the accounting department of a huge real estate conglomerate. I sat next to a woman probably named Mildred. She was probably in her 50's, a little squat and frumpy and I'm pretty sure that thing on her head was either a wig or a Chia pet. She had a little portable radio on her desk always barely audio and barely tuned to a soft rock station. Mildred will be my superhero.

Now, what powers will she have? I've already got her day job and alter ego. I imagine she gets summoned secretly by the Chief of Police via dedications read by dee-jays on the soft rock station. She seemed to spend most of her day typing and licking things (envelopes, mostly), so those will be her two big powers - speedy fingers and projectile moisture. I will call her The Administrator. She multi-tasks justice.

Now, that I have that, I just need to craft a scenario where her super powers will come into play. It could be via her arch enemy, which could be anything from The Merger to The De-Filer.
And, of course, your hero needs someone to save. So, perhaps Billy the temp has been trapped in the records room by The De-Filer and he's already made quite a mess. Etc, etc, etc.

Focus on heightening the scene by exploring their powers and vulnerabilities. The scene can be anything you want and doesn't necessarily have to be "heroic." Maybe The Impregnanator and Captain Abortion work at McDonald's together. You can also choose to forget the villian and just do a scene focusing on your hero and his powers and how they affect his daily life.

Have fun!



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"This summer, waters off of central California are being invaded by what?"

The popular answer with 57% responding was "Surfing MILFS." If it's not already a website, it should be. Please send me the royalties

14% answered "E. Coli." Nah. Sadly, that's a given at any beach.

No one fell for "Cuddle Shark." While I'm sure even a shark needs a hug once in awhile, those are two words that do not belong together.

The correct answer, which 29% got, is "Giant Squid."

According to the Associated Press, these seven feet long, 110 pound cephalopods have been quite a problem as they have been preying on the anchovy and hake, competing with tuna, sharks and commercial fishermen. They used to only be found near the equater in the Pacific, but have been expanding their operation to as far north as Alaska. Scientists think it might have to do with either the warming of the ocean or a decrease in the population of those that prey on the rather phallic fish, mainly swordfish, large tuna, shark and surfing MILFS.