The Greatest Stories Ever Told

Anyone who tells you they are speaking the word of God is lying.

If God has something to tell you, s/he will tell it to you. As soon as a "messenger" gets in the mix, God's word gets interpreted and filtered through someone less-than-God. You're not getting it from the source. I really don't believe God is telling George Bush to lead a bloody holy war in Iraq. It's probably just Cheney on the baby monitor during Dubya's nappy time.Or maybe God's message is along the lines of "bring peace to the world" and George interprets that as "kill everybody and everything." Then there will be peace! Thunder is God's way of saying "D'oh!"

I'm not anti-religion, per se. It's just when people think their religion is more right than others and that their God can beat up someone else's God, that we get into trouble. Big trouble. Like wars and stuff. Organized religions seem to feel they have a manifest destiny to spread their way of NOT thinking to the whole world.

What the extreme fundamental right of any religion forgets is that they were told a story and they chose to believe it. Christians, Catholics, Muslims, Jews, etc., all have their own beautiful story full of courage and miracles. But it's still a story and it loses it's purity every time it's translated into a different language or modern vernacular. It's all open to interpretation and you can find pretty much whatever you want to find to support whatever closed-minded ideas you want to promote.

Spirituality is a being open to God and being in touch with nature and the universe. Spiritual is too often separate from religious, although it is available to everyone. Even atheists.

Here's a lovely quote from The Story of B by Daniel Quinn...

"Nothing in the community lives in isolation from the rest, not even the queens of social insects. Nothing lives only in itself, needing nothing from the community. Nothing lives only for itself, owing nothing to the community. Nothing is untouchable or untouched. Every life is on loan from the community from birth and without fail is paid back to the community in death. The community is a web of life, and every strand of the web is a path to all the other strands. Nothing is exempt or excused. Nothing is special. Nothing lives on a strand by itself, unconnected to the rest. ...Nothing is wasted, not a drop of water or a molecule of protein- or the egg of a fly. This is the sweetness and the miracle of it all... Everything that lives is food for another. Everything that feeds is ultimately itself fed upon or in death returns its substance to the community."

Your life is on loan. You never know when your promissory note will be due. Believe in whatever story you want to believe in, but we are all connected and we don't all need to be of the same religion to love and respect each other. We don't all need to be going to the same Sunday potluck and rummage sale for the world to finally be all right. We can connect with what we have in common. There's room for everyone and, as long as you're not sacrificing animals or virgins, any religion.

Except for the Methodists. Those shifty assholes really need to be kept in check.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The New York Times newspaper is cutting costs by doing what?"

33% answered "Using larger print, resulting in fewer words." No, that's what I did to pad term papers in college.

17% of you picked "Eliminating color pictures and ink." Nope-a-rooney.

The most popular answer with 50% was "Reselling day old papers to pet stores." Nope. Animals and humans may continue to deposit their "opinions" onto the news for free.

No one picked the correct answer which was "Reducing the size of their pages."

According to Editor & Publisher, the NYT has reduced the width or their pages by an inch and a half to cut expenses. Their new motto? "All the news that's fit to shrink."

My Pee Wee Iz Sad

A few days ago, I posted a few e-mails I received from the Central Bank of Nigeria (riiiiiight). Anyone who has ever opened an e-mail account and been spammed has seen this. In the event someone somewhere out there is reading this and has not, the e-mail purports to tell you that millions of dollars are due you through either some obscure business contract or inheritance. Once you engage in communication with these guys, they will ask you to wire them a fee so they can release the funds to you. The fee is usually a few thousand dollars, which is peanuts compared to the millions coming your way.

My initial plan was to string them along as much as possible and getting as absurd as possible along the way. I even gave them the phone number to Empire Carpets as my own. I felt like a hot chick at a bar giving a loser my phone number.

I've decided to back off from this plan when I discovered many others before me who have done it better than I ever could. I was surprized to discover it even has a name! Scambaiting.

Check out these two websites...

www.419eater.com

419.bittenus.com

Advance Fee Fraud (AFF) is known internationally as "4-1-9" fraud after the section of the Nigerian penal code which addresses fraud schemes. The above picture is from 419 Eater's Trophy Room. Scambaiters will ask their scammers to send them pics holding signs they compose to prove it's really them. Usually, the sign is the fake name of the scam baiter, in this case, Peewee Izad.

I love what these people are doing and applaud them. If you decide to follow in their footsteps, read their tips page first. You are, after all, dealing with criminals. You need to protect yourself.

I must admit that I have mixed feelings about what they do. Yes, it is absolutely wrong and criminal. However, it's also very boneheadedly simple to see through the scam. Hmm, the president of the Central Bank of Nigeria has a Yahoo account? Hmm, a financial institution with international dealings, can't hire a decent English translator who knows how to use spellcheck? Plus, in order to try to cash in on your millions, you need to lie to the liars and tell them that, yes, their records are correct, and they owe you millions of dollars. A sucker is born every minute and a fool and his money are soon parted.

In my last response to these guys, I straight up told them I knew it was a scam and sincerely asked them some questions about what they do - Where are they really? How much do they pull in from this? Do they work alone? - stuff like that. I haven't heard back from anyone yet. Probably won't.

By the way, this scam existed way before the internet. I fell for it myself in college. I received a postcard in the mail saying I definitely won one of several valuable prizes ranging from a brand new Fiero (which I was really jonesing for) to new appliances or a vacation. They would send the prize to me, but I wouldn't know what it was until I received it. Oh, the suspense! Not sure how they would pop a Fiero in the mail, but I just knew one was coming my way. In order to pick it up at the post office, I needed to pay an "insurance fee" for my valuable prize. The fee was $300, which really set me back big at the time. I was so excited, I opened the envelope right there in the post office. It was the one thing on the list I wasn't interested in. Valuable gems! They weren't. They were a few pieces of colorful cut crystal tinier than a mole on my butt. I felt so humiliated. I pleaded my case to the postal worker at the counter and she said she couldn't help me. They asked for a fee for me to pick up the envelope and I paid it. Simple as that. I felt like such a chump and I should have seen it coming. A sucker is born every minute and a fool and his money are soon parted.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Saturday, I asked...

"A new sex education program in Maryland is coming under fire. Citizens for a Responsible Curriculum claim it does what?"

• Promotes Promiscuity - Nope. Being a teenager with a boner is what promotes promiscuity.
  
• Promotes Birth Control - It does do that, but that wasn't the complaint.
  
• Means the students are getting it on more than their parents - This is a given. These people are uptight and need to get jiggy.
  
• Promotes Homosexuality - Tah-Dah!

According to the Washington Post, the new sex ed curriculum for Montgomery County in Maryland supports tolerance, which, as far as the Citizens for a Responsible Curriculum are concerned, promotes homosexuality. One of the statements in the curriculum they really have a problem with is “Children are not born hating; they learn to hate and fear from messages they receive growing up”.

Maybe we should leave education to the educators.

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

Señor Droopy (1949)


A few weeks back, I showed a Droopy cartoon called Three Little Pups. Although he was in it, the cartoon was more about Wolfy. The Droopy character seemed more Droopy-esque in nature. Sort of like when Wyle E. Coyote shows up in anything other than a Road Runner cartoon.

The great Tex Avery did several cartoons for MGM and the one character who showed up in most of his work is Droopy, his own creation. Señor Droopy is one of my favorites, in spite of my abhorence to bullfighting. Secretly, I would love to have an authentic matador outfit, just to wear around the house. This is also the first cartoon where Droopy is so named. Up until then, he was nameless or referred to only as Happy Hound. Droopy's low, jowelly voice was none other than Bill Thompson, who played a similar character, Wallace Wimple, on the long-running radio show, Fibber McGee and Molly.

Droopy is the classic everyman. The unlikely hero. He always gets the girl and they don't seem to mind - a fountain of hope for me as a young boy. And when you finally push him too far and he gets mad, look out!

Have some Pop-Tarts and enjoy!






Droopy - Senor Droopy - Funny bloopers R us




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"It's not unusual for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival to feature offensive shows. It is unusual for the PM of England to start a petition condemning one of them. It's title is what?"

The answers were....

• "Gaza Striptease" - Uh, no. Although, I think Yassar, that's My Baby! would make a good tune.
  
• "Paint Your Wagon Brown" - Naw. Although I would like to see Clint Eastwood mumble his way through, They Call the Wind Gordon.
  
• "The Lyin' Queen" - Something about the Queen Mother singing Can You Feel the Love Tonight that's just darn creepy.
  
• "Jihad: The Musical" Ta-Dah! Jazz hands, everybody!

According to the illustrious Daily Mail, Jihad:The Musical is coming under a firestorm of criticism simply because of its subject matter. Britain's Prime Minister Brown initiated a petition from his website comdemning the production. It's being billed as a "madcap gallop through the wacky world of international terrorism" Given how uppity the Muslim world can be about anything poking fun at their religion, this production is either very brave or really stupid... or both. You be the judge.

Must be the heat

About Those July Casualty Reports From Iraq...

TV and newspaper reporters were once again being accused of uncritically publishing administration comments about the progress of the war in Iraq. On its website Wednesday Editor and Publisher magazine noted that the media recently ran numerous reports quoting administration sources as saying that American deaths in Iraq declined noticeably during July and suggested that the lower casualty rate meant that the surge was working. In fact, the trade publication observed, U.S. fatalities in Iraq have declined in July ever since the war began, and the number of confirmed deaths, 78, made it the worst July ever, topping the previous high of 54 in 2004 and 2005.

The Drak Side of the Moron

(Ugh! The poll template service is still down. Scroll down on the left to see the answers for The BS News Quiz of the Day.)

I'm a little disappointed that I haven't heard back from Beniak Joe or his secretary Ikwu about the cashier's checque for 1950,000.00 us dollars that they owe me. This is very upsetting as I already started pricing Hummers at CarMax.

Fortunately, my stellar reputation as an upright businessman knows no international boundaries. This is for even more than what Beniak Joe is going to give me. If they both come through, my head will explode and then I will pay a team of scientists cash from my pocket to rebuild it and re-attach it. I found this e-mail in my "in box" this morning...

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA

INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT

CORPORATE HEAD QUARTERS

TINUBU SQUARE, LAGOS

TEL: +234-802-356-0936

FROM DESK OF:
PROF CHARLES SOLUDO
EXCUTIVE GOVERNOR
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA

ATTN: HONOURABLE CONTRACTOR,

IMMEDIATE CONTRACT PAYMENT.CONTRACT #:MAV/NNPC/FGN/MIN/009

From the records of outstanding contractors due for payment with the Federal Government of Nigeria, your name and company was discovered as next on the list of the outstanding contractors who have not yet received their payments.

I wish to inform you that your payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this letter. Also note that from my record in my file your outstanding contract payment is US$25,500,000.00 (Twenty Five Million Five hundred Thousand United States Dollars).

Kindly re-confirm to me the followings:
1) Your full name.
2) Phone, fax and mobile #.
3) Company name, position and address.
4) Profession, age and marital status.
5) Banking Information/address account number/ swift code

As soon as this information is received, your payment will be made to you in a certified bank draft or wired to your nominated bank account directly from Central Bank of Nigeria.

You can email me on my private box at; p_cc_s11@yahoo.com as soon as you receive this letter for more clarification or call my private line. +234-802-356-0936 now.

REGARDS

Prof. Charles Soludo.
Executive Governor,
Central Bank of Nigeria [CBN]
DIRCT LINE -234-802-356-0936.

WARNING!!!

**THIS COMMUNICATION (INCLUDING ANY ATTACHMENTS) IS INTENDED FOR THE USE OF THE INTENDED RECIPIENT (S) ONLY AND MAY CONTAIN INFORMATION THAT IS CONFIDENTIAL, PRIVILEGED OR LEGALLY PROTECTED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OR DISSEMINATION OF THIS COMMUNICATION OR IN PART IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED THIS COMMUNICATION IN ERROR, PLEASE IMMEDIATELY NOTIFY THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA BY RETURN E-MAIL MESSAGE AND DELETE ALL COPIES OF THE ORIGINAL COMMUNICATION. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION. ***? 2007. CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (NIGERIA APEX BANK)

I know this is legit because of the fuzzy j-peg logo and and the stern warning is in an official red color. I responded to this immediately!

Dear Executive Governor,

I was so excited to receive your e-mail and to find I am due 25, 500, 000.00 U.S. dollars by the Central Bank of Nigeria. Here is the information you requested. I anxiously await your response.

1) Your full name - Joseph Tiberius Janes
2) Phone, fax and mobile #. - I have no fax number and my home phone and cell phone are the same. It's 1-312-588-2300
3) Company name, position and address - Robot vs Dinosaur-Chicago, artistic director, 1065 West Hollywood Ave, apt. 1-N, Chicago, IL 60660 (I work out of my apartment)
4) Profession, age and marital status - Teacher, 46, single, but living with my hot Asian girlfriend
5) Banking Information/address account number/ swift code - I bank at TCF, which is in a grocery store. The address is Jewel-Osco, 5343 N Broadway St, Chicago, IL 60640. I don't have the other information handy, but would prefer a check to direct deposit anyway. If you need me to hold one to it for a little bit to make sure it clears, no problem. I understand, believe me!

Thanks!

Yours in Christ,

Joe

Keep your fingers crossed, everybody! I don't know how long it will be for them to send a check from Nigeria, but as soon as it comes in, we're all going to Six Flags! With enough of us, I'm sure we can get some kind of discount.


ROBOWRITER'S ASSIGNMENT

For next week's assignment, you'll need to channel your darker side. I love dark comedy and don't consider anything sacred or off limits. The topics or issues themselves may not be inherently funny, but we're all humans and where there's humans there's humor.

To gear you up for it, write a list of ten things you think are absolutely not funny nor should ever be poked fun of. Here's mine...

1) AIDS
2) child abuse
3) cancer
4) Alzheimer's
5) old age
6) cruelty to animals
7) religious beliefs
8) suicide
9) sexual predators
10) racial stereotypes

Fun, eh?

The next step is to take one of the items on your list and do another list of situations - real, imagined, from your own experience, from people you know - where the issue comes into play.

Last night at RoboWriters, David Devries made a list using "Abortion." Here's a sample of his list paraphrased and partially made-up as I'm going by memory.

1) a girl tells her boyfriend she's pregnant
2) a girl tells her parents she's pregnant
3) a woman tells her husband that she recently had an abortion
4) a couple trying to have a baby run into a friend on her way to have an abortion
5) Two rabid anti-abortion protesters hook up and the girl gets pregnant and one of them wants it aborted

Now, the tricky part... make it funny. Some of these have potential for humor just because of the irony of the situation. For others, you may have to apply some comic techniques. Here are some examples...

- Turn the tables - The anti-abortion protesters are already in this predicament.

- Inappropriate Response - A couple tells one of their sets of parents that they are pregnant. The soon-to-be grandparents try to convince them to have an abortion. Either they don't think the baby would turn out right or they just aren't ready to be grandparents and can't handle it.

- Clash of Context - Instead of a Baby Shower, a woman holds an Abortion Shower to celebrate her devotion to non-motherhood. Gifts could be things like thongs.

It's a challenging assignment. It's hard to ride that line between just being a little sick and being repulsive. But it's good to experience where the line is drawn for you.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

" Yu Zhenhuan is campaigning to be one of the celebrities to carry the torch at the 2008 Olympics in China. His claim to fame is what?"

The blogspot poll service wasn't working, so I don't know what you picked. I will assume you all picked the correct answer because y ou are all so damn smart. The possible answers were...

"He started China's first porn website."
Nope. Nudity doesn't exist in the government's eyes in China.

"He's that guy that stood in front of that tank."
Not this one, either. No one seems to know for sure who that guy was. And China would prefer to keep it that way.

"He's the best basketball player to ever come out of China."
If that were the case, the NBA would have drafted him out of elementary school.

"He has hair over 96% of his body."
Yep.

According to The Times, China's hairiest man, who goes by the nickname "King Kong," wants to carry the Olympic torch. China hasn't said "no" to his request as they are still considering all applications. Sure, this man was born to carry a torch. While also carrying a spear and hunting for matodon. I don't know how I feel about it, except to say that there's nothing quite as repelling as the smell of burnt hair. He'll have to agree to wearing an asbestos jumpsuit.

I Don't Mean to Brag, But...

(BS note: The poll template for the News Quiz is down. To see the answer choices, just scroll down on the left, pick an answer, scribble it onto a Post-It note and then stick that over where the answers should be.)

It looks like I'm going to be coming into some money.

A lot of money.

We're talking, Joe's-going-to-buy-a-Hummer-and-vote-Republican kind of money. How did I do it? What's my secret? Well, apparently, there's been some people speaking very highly of me overseas. I got this e-mail yesterday...

Dearest friend,

Season Greeting from Beniak Joe who contacted you long ago, I am very happy to
inform you about my success in getting that fund, Now I want you to contact my
secretary on the information below with your Full Name/Address and Phone Number
for easy communication: NAME: Ikwu samuel

EMAIL: ikwusamuel77@myway.com

Ask him to send you the total sum of (1950,000.00 ) One Million Nine Hundred and
Fifty Thousand us dollarsd thousand USD CASHIER'S CHEQUE, which I kept for your
compensation CONTACT THE SECRETARY ON this Email:ikwusamuel77@myway.com

Regards,

Beniak Joe

Now, I must be honest. I don't think I received an earlier e-mail. The name "Beniak Joe" would have stuck with me, I should think. This guy might have me confused with another Joe Janes. There's not many of us, but if you do a Google on me - and, yes, I have Googled myself, several times - you'll find a search result showdown going on between me and some Seattle Internet librarian professor dude. So, maybe the compensation was meant for him. In that case, I'll consider splitting the money with him. 80/20 sounds fair, since I'm doing all the work. Here's the e-mail I sent in reply...

Dear Ikwu,

I received the e-mail from Beniak Joe. Season greeting. I hope you are doing well. I understand you are going to send me a cashier's checque for 1950,000.00 us dollars. That is wonderful news. My mother is in a nursing home and employment for me has been very scarce this summer. My girlfriend will be very happy to hear about this - I can't tell you how much she's been riding me about not making any money. She thinks I should grow up and find a real job. This will make her shut her ice-cream hole! This money will certainly come in handy.

Yours in Christ,
Joe

I can't wait for that checque to come in. The first thing I'm going to do is buy everyone I know a hat. Something nice. Purple felt fedoras, maybe. With my or that other Joe Janes' picture on it.

ROBOWRITERS

Is tonight at 6:30pm at the Uptown Writer's Space. Come bring a scene to read or come hear other scenes and get an assignment. You know you wanna.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to scientists, being left-handed also raises the possibility of being what?"

40% picked "A World Leader."
No, that's not the right answer. Most world leaders are ambidextrous so they can reach into your back pocket with one hand while pointing at you with their fisted thumb with the other.

20% said "A Math Genius."
That would be incorrect, as well. Being left-handed just means your numbers would lean differently than everyone else's.

No one fell for "An Artistic Rebel."
It would be correct if you consider drawing real crappy rebellious.

The correct answer, that 40% chose, was "A Nutbag."
Sorry to put it so indelicately.

According to the BBC, a gene has been found that indicates left-handedness. It's also the same gene that raises the risk of psychotic mental illness such as schizophrenia.

Who are some famous left-handers?

Just for a Day

So, I finally got around to watching Who Killed the Electric Car?

If you haven't seen it, please do. Like the current Sicko, it should be required viewing for U.S. citizens eighteen and older, especially our law makers. It's a wake-up call to take back our rights as consumers and Americans. I haven't felt this worked up since Michael Moore's book Stupid White Men woke me from my post-9/11 somnambulistic state back in 2002.

In this country, it's clear that we vote with our dollars and politicians are for sale. Businesses with cash reserves much larger than ours are setting policy in our government. Our only recourse is to not buy what they are selling by not voting for candidates tucked into the pockets of corporate backing and by not buying what those corporations keep shoving in our faces.

I'm no angel when it comes to ethical economics. My shoes are vegan, but they were probably manufactured in a sweat shop somewhere, possibly even in the good ol' U. S. of A. But together, all of us can make smarter choices that will help steer our country toward a healthier state - economically, environmentally and societally.

If you read this blog regularly, then you probably already have an edge on most people when it comes to being aware of the injustices going on in the world. And, like me, you're probably also frustrated at how hopeless and helpless it can feel to not be able to take immediate action and see immediate results.

Uncle Sam has an addiction-driven personality and we're all in al-anon. We're not going to see overnight results. We can help by taking it one day at a time.

Just for a day, be a little more conscious.

Think before you spend any money. If you support the company and the product you are buying and it makes you feel better to encourage that company, then buy it. If a little voice inside you're head goes,"Sheesh, I can't believe I'm giving my money to Satan, again. I don't even like this coffee. I have to pay extra for foam and syrup just to keep from gagging on it." Then maybe you should put your wallet or purse away and step away from the counter. Just for the day.

Think before your eat. Listen to your body. Are you feeding an addiction for salt, sugar or fried food or legitimately satisfying a hunger? And what the hell are you putting in your mouth, anyway? Is it genuinely nutritious or is it something advertisers told you was needed to get through the day? Are you really lovin' it? Check the ingredients. If there are a lot of words you don't recognize as English, maybe leave it off your plate, or tray, or desk. If an animal died for it, be very aware of where it came from and the torture process the animal went through and the amount of growth hormones and other chemicals pumped into it before you take a bite. Maybe some whole fruits or vegetables, instead. Just for a day.

Before you turn on the TV or crack open a book, consider what you are feeding your brain. Is it junkfood or nutrition? Will it make you think? Will you learn something? Or will it put you into an entertainment coma? Give your brain a balanced meal. Keep it healthy, too.

Think before you act. Let people off the train before you hop on. Give the car ahead of you time to move before honking your horn. Open doors for people. Give people room to pass on the sidewalk. Slow down in getting your body from Point A to Point B. Be kind. Be aware of your surroundings. See the other human beings around you. Maybe leave the ear buds at home - just for a day.

Universal health care, electric cars, organic foods, world peace... There are a lot of people who don't want you to have these.

There are people in our government who want to keep you dumb and afraid. There are people paying those people lots of money to keep you dumb and afraid. They don't care about the environment or our neighbors. They don't care if we choke on our air, get scorched by our sun, or drown in our undrinkable waters. They do care about lining their pockets with money. And if that money comes soaked in blood and oil, then that's just an acceptable loss they are willing to make on our behalf.

Not everyone in government and in corporations are driven by greed. There is hope. There are a few good eggs out there. But it takes us waking up and seeking them out and encouraging them to make the difference we want to see in the world in our lifetime.

It starts by being a little more conscious of our actions and a little more thoughtful of others and ourselves - just for a day.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In New Zealand, people who prefer NOT to have sex with carnivores are called what?"

37% answered "Herbaphiles." Nope. That's people who want to bink this guy...


12% said picked "Petabreds." I love this one. PETA bred/ Pita Bread. People who only sleep with PETA members. I think I may have just coined a phrase here, myself. What? Members of Peta are all hippy crunchy granoloa-y and smell too much like patouchli to want to get it on with? I beg to differ.



25% said "Cowfuckers." I will NOT be posting a picture for this one.

Well, okay...



25% also picked the right answer..."Vegansexuals."

According to the newspaper The Press, The New Zealand Centre for Human and Animal Studies discovered the phenomenon (their words, not mine)while doing a survey on cruelty-free consumerism. The word "vegansexual" sure doesn't make vegans creating the free-range beast with two backs sound very sexy. Any of my other answers would work. I also offer for their consideration, Tree Huggers And Kissers, Hemp Humpers or Tofu-ckers.