Million Dollar Maybe

You see, I could be making millions of dollars, right now. No, I'm not talking about an e-mail I got from a deposed prince who needs me to help transfer buh-jillions of dollars into this country. I'm talking about using good old fashioned brain-fueled elbow grease. I'm talking talent. A sheer hawking of my adult prodigy wares...to Hollywood.

I have made a deal with the people who run Tinseltown. Through various indirect channels, I have clearly communicated my position. I will not move to LA unless I am offered an ungodly amount of money upfront. Pure and simple. Come across with the dough and I'll be there Monday morning with a latte in my hand. They haven't said "no." Not in so many words. Mostly, they've been silent as they are, I am sure, weighing my proposal.

Is this just the cocky ramblings of a delusional washed-up hack? Nay, I say. Nay! I am an idea man. Hollywood chews up and poops out ideas faster than an alien plant from outer space gnaws through people. I can feed that idea consuming machine, ladies and gentlemen. I have ideas dripping out of my pores. Sparks fly from my computer keyboard and sometimes I have to stop because the smoke from my fingertips gets in my eyes. And it stings! Stings with passion.

Allow me to demonstrate my creative prowess. If I were in LA, I'd open up an idea shack near Chinatown. All the studio executives and film directors would line-up around the block to see me.

Michael Bay - Need an idea for your next picture?

Here's one. Right off the top of my head. TUPPERWARE: THE MOVIE. No, strike that. Make it TUPPER WARS. Rubbery plastic containers from outer space that occasionally need to be burped to keep their freshness in - that is their kryptonite! They land on earth while escaping from the clutches of an evil villain team-up of Al Uminum Foil and Plastique Rap (I'm thinking Robin Williams and Will Smith here, respectively). They are befriended by a beautiful Rachel Ray-type (or Rachel Ray herself if she ever un-porks herself). She is admired from afar by a struggling Wolfgang Puck. He falls in with the evil villains in a bid to gain more fame and fortune to try to impress Ray. A huge battle takes place after the International Food Olympics when Rachel and the Tupperwares try to bring leftovers to a hungry third world country and the bad guys try to stop them. Wolfgang betrays the evil villains because he realizes he is truly in love with the Rachel Ray-esque babe (two words, Angelina Jolie. In an apron. Equals HOT!)and Wolfgang needs to make amends. She forgives him for all the death and destruction. They are awarded medals by the International Food Olympics committee. They then get married and cater their own wedding reception.

NEXT!!!! Ah, Steven Spielberg.

Your next smash hit is called JEWBOT. Nazis have perfected robot technology and their giant super fighting machine falls in love with a Jewish girl. He saves her from the ovens at a concentration camp by smashing through the walls with his fists. Nazis send an even bigger giant super fighting robot to kill him. They have a huge battle in Berlin, destroying most of the city. The good robot deals a death blow to the bad robot who falls on Hitler and kills him dead. The good robot and the Jewish girl free all the Jews, end the war, and get married under a giant chuppah made by hundreds of grateful concentration camp survivors from their own underwear.

NEXT!!! Ah, the Weinstein brothers. Looking for something classy, but with that independent spirit?

I have just the thing for you. It's called MATT ADORE, for only the slightest reason. An artsy grunge musician from Seattle named Matt Adore - that's right, it's a period piece from the early '90's - falls in love with an illegal immigrant (think Salma Hayek, if she ever gets un-pregnant) who is sent back to Mexico (topical, too!). This young Ethan Hawke goes in search for her. He gets a job as a matador (get it?) on the bullfighting circuit to cover his expenses while searching all of Meh-hee-ko for her. He has a buddy, a chubby Jack Black guy, who goes with him for comic relief. One afternoon, during the toughest bullfight of his career, he sees the love of his life selling tamales in the stands. (She takes the job in hopes of seeing him. He's become wildly famous. He is a bullfighting rock and roll star. She almost approaches him before the fight, but he is besieged by lovely senoritas throwing their mexican moccasins at him out of love.) He sees her in the stands tossing tamales for pesos. A fat guy in a sombrero is yelling at her. She turns and sees Ethan. Their eyes lock. The music swells. The Jack Black character comically yells "Loooooooooook ouuuuuuut!" in slow motion. Just then, the bull gourds the matador! Salma jumps over the stands and runs to him. The bull charges her as she tends to him. With his dying breath, he throws her out of the way and gets to his feet. His golden matador outfit all bloodied from the gaping hole in his side. The bull is so impressed by his bravery that he stops, bows down to the matador, and then kills himself out of respect. The bull takes his own life by turning his lethal horns in on himself and puncturing his own gut. The bull collapses. Ethan collapses. Salma Hayek picks him up and carries him out of the stadium as the crowd cheers and throws flowers at them. We think he's dead, but cut to them getting married outdoors, he in his matador outfit with a big gauze bandage over the wound. The Jack Black guy is the best hombre. In the background in a field, we can see a big wedding fiesta is set up and the body of the bull turns over a spit. The newly declared couple kiss. Everyone in the wedding party yells "Ole!" Freeze. Credits roll.

Sniff the air. Smell that? That's the smell of a blockbuster. That's the smell of Star Wars and Indiana Jones running like frightened little girls away the Top Grossing Movies of All Time list.

Throughout history, people have hungered for stories to help them kill time before they die. Entertainment is a drug and I am selling crack, my friends. It might be hard to believe, but I made these three Oscar worthy movies up right on the spot. My oilwell gusher head can be tapped into.

The ball is in your court, Hollywood. You know my name. You have my number. The best time to reach me is in the morning, but, really, anytime is okay.


ROBOWRITERS IS TONIGHT...

...at 6:30pm at The Uptown Writer's Space at Lawrence and Broadway. Stop on in to get feedback on your written scenes or to get inspired or motivated to write.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"To keep their officers from committing minor infractions of the law, Thai Police are threatening which punishment?"

29% answered "making door-to-door apologies."
I think that's a great idea, but no. Answer wrong, again, and you'll have to go knock on some doors.

No one went for the very fine deterrents of "singing the Thai National anthem at a sporting event" or "writing things like "I will not litter" five thousand times."
Both would work for me, although the singing would punish too many innocent people.

The correct answer? 71% got it with "wearing 'Hello Kitty' accessories."

According to The New York Times, the Thai police will make any officers who break the law wear a "Hello Kitty" arm band. They tried a plaid arm band, but the officers wore them with a sense of cocky pride missing the point entirely. The pink arm bands are supposed to make them feel a little humiliation for their actions. If it doesn't work, I recommend tutus.Or replacing their nightsticks with little princess-type magic wands.

50 Simple Things You Can Do To Bring daDa Into Your Life

by Dada Mondo Yippeeeeeee



1) Pretend to have a conversation on the phone with “PHIL”, saying what you really think about the people around you to him. “Well, Phil, I think your hat looks stupid.”

2) put mustard on your dessert

3) anytime someone sneezes, stand-up and salute them

4) if you hear a car horn, shout “Yeah! Clowns!”

5) brush only the teeth that really need it

6) floss your teeth with cat whiskers

7) each time before you take a bite of your food, look around suspiciously

8) giggle to yourself every time someone near you takes a bite of their food

9) on outgoing mail, write “open here” and draw an arrow to a side of the envelope that does not have a flap

10) at various time throughout the day, shout out, “I should have ordered the soup!” and slap yourself in the head shouting “Stupid! Stupid!” Then cry a little.

11) Tell your boss you need to take the day off because you feel good.

12) Hastily create a picture of a co-worker out of macaroni, glue and construction paper and give it to them. Make a very big deal about how much work you put into it and how wonderful it turned out.

13) Play a very competitive game of Hopscotch indoors

14) ask people what they think of your mustache – if you have a mustache, ask people what they think of your new mustache

15) write “you’re a winner” on a piece of paper, stuff it in an envelope, walk up to a stranger saying “You’re a winner!” Shake their hand, give them the envelope, run away.

16) Wear a sticker that says “Ask Me How I Lost Weight” and then when someone asks, get choked up and tell them you’re too upset to talk about it.

17) Wear ear buds with the cord in your pocket. Occasionally, take the jack out and stick it into things to listen to and bop your head. Things like, people’s arms, bulletin boards, food, trees.

18) Open doors for people and hold out your hand for a tip

19) whenever someone says “thank you” say “no, no – you’re welcome.”

20) Carry a box of tissues and hand them out to people unsolicited and without explanation

21) If someone asks “How are you?” say, “Fine…Why?”

22) Tell someone, “Hey, did you see that thing on the news about lights in the sky above Boise?” Tell people until someone says “I heard that, too.” Or until the story comes back to you.

23) On Post-It notes write “I am ignoring you” stick them anonymously on unsuspecting people or on other people’s property, like desks or computers

24) In chalk, on a sidewalk, write “Don’t Look Up”

25) when walking, only make 90-degree turns

26) have an earthquake only you can feel

27) bring your own spork to use solely at a lunch or dinner

28) In a bathroom stall, hum the 1812 Overture

29) Stand very close to someone and tell them you’re an astronaut exploring personal space

30) Go to a health club and pull other people’s groin muscles

31) Sip from a bottle in a paper bag while telling people how good you feel since rehab

32) no matter what you have to say, attribute it as a quote from Benjamin Franklin. “Well, like Benjamin Franklin said, I’ll be running a little late.”

33) In the memo space on checks, write things a cat would be grateful for. Things like; “For rubbing my tummy.” “For taking me to the vet’s” “For brushing my coat.” “For trimming my nails.” “For giving me my favorite treats.” “For letting me kill birds.”

34 – 50) repeat steps 1-15. Do 16-33 simultaneously.

BAck to Joe-Joe...


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Based on a new study of Infant Educational Videos, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Washington, recommends babies watch what for the developmental benefits?"

10% each picked "Baby Einstein" and "Brainy Baby,"
which are actual infant videos and not pathetic attempts at whacky Saturday morning cartoons.

10% also picked "Baby Geniuses."
No one, repeat, NO ONE, should ever be subjected to the computer-animated baby talking tug-fest that is the movie Baby Geniuses OR it's brutally unnecessary sequel, SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses II.

70% of you were raised properly and answered the "American Idol."

According to an article in The LA Times, making infants watch educational videos is about as effective as sitting them down in front of a lava lamp. The study determined that for every hour a day that babies 8 to 16 months old were shown such popular series as Brainy Baby or Baby Einstein, they knew six to eight fewer words than other children. Dr. Dimitri Christakis, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Washington in Seattle, said, "I would rather babies watch American Idol than these videos," explaining that there is at least a chance their parents would watch with them — which does have developmental benefits. Great, all we need are a bunch of babies criticizing their classmates singing Ol' MacDonald in Kindergarten. "Teacher, Dakota's "ee-aye-ee-aye-o's" make me want to puke Play-Doh."

The Greatest Stories Ever Told

Anyone who tells you they are speaking the word of God is lying.

If God has something to tell you, s/he will tell it to you. As soon as a "messenger" gets in the mix, God's word gets interpreted and filtered through someone less-than-God. You're not getting it from the source. I really don't believe God is telling George Bush to lead a bloody holy war in Iraq. It's probably just Cheney on the baby monitor during Dubya's nappy time.Or maybe God's message is along the lines of "bring peace to the world" and George interprets that as "kill everybody and everything." Then there will be peace! Thunder is God's way of saying "D'oh!"

I'm not anti-religion, per se. It's just when people think their religion is more right than others and that their God can beat up someone else's God, that we get into trouble. Big trouble. Like wars and stuff. Organized religions seem to feel they have a manifest destiny to spread their way of NOT thinking to the whole world.

What the extreme fundamental right of any religion forgets is that they were told a story and they chose to believe it. Christians, Catholics, Muslims, Jews, etc., all have their own beautiful story full of courage and miracles. But it's still a story and it loses it's purity every time it's translated into a different language or modern vernacular. It's all open to interpretation and you can find pretty much whatever you want to find to support whatever closed-minded ideas you want to promote.

Spirituality is a being open to God and being in touch with nature and the universe. Spiritual is too often separate from religious, although it is available to everyone. Even atheists.

Here's a lovely quote from The Story of B by Daniel Quinn...

"Nothing in the community lives in isolation from the rest, not even the queens of social insects. Nothing lives only in itself, needing nothing from the community. Nothing lives only for itself, owing nothing to the community. Nothing is untouchable or untouched. Every life is on loan from the community from birth and without fail is paid back to the community in death. The community is a web of life, and every strand of the web is a path to all the other strands. Nothing is exempt or excused. Nothing is special. Nothing lives on a strand by itself, unconnected to the rest. ...Nothing is wasted, not a drop of water or a molecule of protein- or the egg of a fly. This is the sweetness and the miracle of it all... Everything that lives is food for another. Everything that feeds is ultimately itself fed upon or in death returns its substance to the community."

Your life is on loan. You never know when your promissory note will be due. Believe in whatever story you want to believe in, but we are all connected and we don't all need to be of the same religion to love and respect each other. We don't all need to be going to the same Sunday potluck and rummage sale for the world to finally be all right. We can connect with what we have in common. There's room for everyone and, as long as you're not sacrificing animals or virgins, any religion.

Except for the Methodists. Those shifty assholes really need to be kept in check.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The New York Times newspaper is cutting costs by doing what?"

33% answered "Using larger print, resulting in fewer words." No, that's what I did to pad term papers in college.

17% of you picked "Eliminating color pictures and ink." Nope-a-rooney.

The most popular answer with 50% was "Reselling day old papers to pet stores." Nope. Animals and humans may continue to deposit their "opinions" onto the news for free.

No one picked the correct answer which was "Reducing the size of their pages."

According to Editor & Publisher, the NYT has reduced the width or their pages by an inch and a half to cut expenses. Their new motto? "All the news that's fit to shrink."

My Pee Wee Iz Sad

A few days ago, I posted a few e-mails I received from the Central Bank of Nigeria (riiiiiight). Anyone who has ever opened an e-mail account and been spammed has seen this. In the event someone somewhere out there is reading this and has not, the e-mail purports to tell you that millions of dollars are due you through either some obscure business contract or inheritance. Once you engage in communication with these guys, they will ask you to wire them a fee so they can release the funds to you. The fee is usually a few thousand dollars, which is peanuts compared to the millions coming your way.

My initial plan was to string them along as much as possible and getting as absurd as possible along the way. I even gave them the phone number to Empire Carpets as my own. I felt like a hot chick at a bar giving a loser my phone number.

I've decided to back off from this plan when I discovered many others before me who have done it better than I ever could. I was surprized to discover it even has a name! Scambaiting.

Check out these two websites...

www.419eater.com

419.bittenus.com

Advance Fee Fraud (AFF) is known internationally as "4-1-9" fraud after the section of the Nigerian penal code which addresses fraud schemes. The above picture is from 419 Eater's Trophy Room. Scambaiters will ask their scammers to send them pics holding signs they compose to prove it's really them. Usually, the sign is the fake name of the scam baiter, in this case, Peewee Izad.

I love what these people are doing and applaud them. If you decide to follow in their footsteps, read their tips page first. You are, after all, dealing with criminals. You need to protect yourself.

I must admit that I have mixed feelings about what they do. Yes, it is absolutely wrong and criminal. However, it's also very boneheadedly simple to see through the scam. Hmm, the president of the Central Bank of Nigeria has a Yahoo account? Hmm, a financial institution with international dealings, can't hire a decent English translator who knows how to use spellcheck? Plus, in order to try to cash in on your millions, you need to lie to the liars and tell them that, yes, their records are correct, and they owe you millions of dollars. A sucker is born every minute and a fool and his money are soon parted.

In my last response to these guys, I straight up told them I knew it was a scam and sincerely asked them some questions about what they do - Where are they really? How much do they pull in from this? Do they work alone? - stuff like that. I haven't heard back from anyone yet. Probably won't.

By the way, this scam existed way before the internet. I fell for it myself in college. I received a postcard in the mail saying I definitely won one of several valuable prizes ranging from a brand new Fiero (which I was really jonesing for) to new appliances or a vacation. They would send the prize to me, but I wouldn't know what it was until I received it. Oh, the suspense! Not sure how they would pop a Fiero in the mail, but I just knew one was coming my way. In order to pick it up at the post office, I needed to pay an "insurance fee" for my valuable prize. The fee was $300, which really set me back big at the time. I was so excited, I opened the envelope right there in the post office. It was the one thing on the list I wasn't interested in. Valuable gems! They weren't. They were a few pieces of colorful cut crystal tinier than a mole on my butt. I felt so humiliated. I pleaded my case to the postal worker at the counter and she said she couldn't help me. They asked for a fee for me to pick up the envelope and I paid it. Simple as that. I felt like such a chump and I should have seen it coming. A sucker is born every minute and a fool and his money are soon parted.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Saturday, I asked...

"A new sex education program in Maryland is coming under fire. Citizens for a Responsible Curriculum claim it does what?"

• Promotes Promiscuity - Nope. Being a teenager with a boner is what promotes promiscuity.
  
• Promotes Birth Control - It does do that, but that wasn't the complaint.
  
• Means the students are getting it on more than their parents - This is a given. These people are uptight and need to get jiggy.
  
• Promotes Homosexuality - Tah-Dah!

According to the Washington Post, the new sex ed curriculum for Montgomery County in Maryland supports tolerance, which, as far as the Citizens for a Responsible Curriculum are concerned, promotes homosexuality. One of the statements in the curriculum they really have a problem with is “Children are not born hating; they learn to hate and fear from messages they receive growing up”.

Maybe we should leave education to the educators.

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

Señor Droopy (1949)


A few weeks back, I showed a Droopy cartoon called Three Little Pups. Although he was in it, the cartoon was more about Wolfy. The Droopy character seemed more Droopy-esque in nature. Sort of like when Wyle E. Coyote shows up in anything other than a Road Runner cartoon.

The great Tex Avery did several cartoons for MGM and the one character who showed up in most of his work is Droopy, his own creation. Señor Droopy is one of my favorites, in spite of my abhorence to bullfighting. Secretly, I would love to have an authentic matador outfit, just to wear around the house. This is also the first cartoon where Droopy is so named. Up until then, he was nameless or referred to only as Happy Hound. Droopy's low, jowelly voice was none other than Bill Thompson, who played a similar character, Wallace Wimple, on the long-running radio show, Fibber McGee and Molly.

Droopy is the classic everyman. The unlikely hero. He always gets the girl and they don't seem to mind - a fountain of hope for me as a young boy. And when you finally push him too far and he gets mad, look out!

Have some Pop-Tarts and enjoy!






Droopy - Senor Droopy - Funny bloopers R us




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"It's not unusual for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival to feature offensive shows. It is unusual for the PM of England to start a petition condemning one of them. It's title is what?"

The answers were....

• "Gaza Striptease" - Uh, no. Although, I think Yassar, that's My Baby! would make a good tune.
  
• "Paint Your Wagon Brown" - Naw. Although I would like to see Clint Eastwood mumble his way through, They Call the Wind Gordon.
  
• "The Lyin' Queen" - Something about the Queen Mother singing Can You Feel the Love Tonight that's just darn creepy.
  
• "Jihad: The Musical" Ta-Dah! Jazz hands, everybody!

According to the illustrious Daily Mail, Jihad:The Musical is coming under a firestorm of criticism simply because of its subject matter. Britain's Prime Minister Brown initiated a petition from his website comdemning the production. It's being billed as a "madcap gallop through the wacky world of international terrorism" Given how uppity the Muslim world can be about anything poking fun at their religion, this production is either very brave or really stupid... or both. You be the judge.

Must be the heat

About Those July Casualty Reports From Iraq...

TV and newspaper reporters were once again being accused of uncritically publishing administration comments about the progress of the war in Iraq. On its website Wednesday Editor and Publisher magazine noted that the media recently ran numerous reports quoting administration sources as saying that American deaths in Iraq declined noticeably during July and suggested that the lower casualty rate meant that the surge was working. In fact, the trade publication observed, U.S. fatalities in Iraq have declined in July ever since the war began, and the number of confirmed deaths, 78, made it the worst July ever, topping the previous high of 54 in 2004 and 2005.

The Drak Side of the Moron

(Ugh! The poll template service is still down. Scroll down on the left to see the answers for The BS News Quiz of the Day.)

I'm a little disappointed that I haven't heard back from Beniak Joe or his secretary Ikwu about the cashier's checque for 1950,000.00 us dollars that they owe me. This is very upsetting as I already started pricing Hummers at CarMax.

Fortunately, my stellar reputation as an upright businessman knows no international boundaries. This is for even more than what Beniak Joe is going to give me. If they both come through, my head will explode and then I will pay a team of scientists cash from my pocket to rebuild it and re-attach it. I found this e-mail in my "in box" this morning...

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA

INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT

CORPORATE HEAD QUARTERS

TINUBU SQUARE, LAGOS

TEL: +234-802-356-0936

FROM DESK OF:
PROF CHARLES SOLUDO
EXCUTIVE GOVERNOR
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA

ATTN: HONOURABLE CONTRACTOR,

IMMEDIATE CONTRACT PAYMENT.CONTRACT #:MAV/NNPC/FGN/MIN/009

From the records of outstanding contractors due for payment with the Federal Government of Nigeria, your name and company was discovered as next on the list of the outstanding contractors who have not yet received their payments.

I wish to inform you that your payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this letter. Also note that from my record in my file your outstanding contract payment is US$25,500,000.00 (Twenty Five Million Five hundred Thousand United States Dollars).

Kindly re-confirm to me the followings:
1) Your full name.
2) Phone, fax and mobile #.
3) Company name, position and address.
4) Profession, age and marital status.
5) Banking Information/address account number/ swift code

As soon as this information is received, your payment will be made to you in a certified bank draft or wired to your nominated bank account directly from Central Bank of Nigeria.

You can email me on my private box at; p_cc_s11@yahoo.com as soon as you receive this letter for more clarification or call my private line. +234-802-356-0936 now.

REGARDS

Prof. Charles Soludo.
Executive Governor,
Central Bank of Nigeria [CBN]
DIRCT LINE -234-802-356-0936.

WARNING!!!

**THIS COMMUNICATION (INCLUDING ANY ATTACHMENTS) IS INTENDED FOR THE USE OF THE INTENDED RECIPIENT (S) ONLY AND MAY CONTAIN INFORMATION THAT IS CONFIDENTIAL, PRIVILEGED OR LEGALLY PROTECTED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OR DISSEMINATION OF THIS COMMUNICATION OR IN PART IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED THIS COMMUNICATION IN ERROR, PLEASE IMMEDIATELY NOTIFY THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA BY RETURN E-MAIL MESSAGE AND DELETE ALL COPIES OF THE ORIGINAL COMMUNICATION. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION. ***? 2007. CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (NIGERIA APEX BANK)

I know this is legit because of the fuzzy j-peg logo and and the stern warning is in an official red color. I responded to this immediately!

Dear Executive Governor,

I was so excited to receive your e-mail and to find I am due 25, 500, 000.00 U.S. dollars by the Central Bank of Nigeria. Here is the information you requested. I anxiously await your response.

1) Your full name - Joseph Tiberius Janes
2) Phone, fax and mobile #. - I have no fax number and my home phone and cell phone are the same. It's 1-312-588-2300
3) Company name, position and address - Robot vs Dinosaur-Chicago, artistic director, 1065 West Hollywood Ave, apt. 1-N, Chicago, IL 60660 (I work out of my apartment)
4) Profession, age and marital status - Teacher, 46, single, but living with my hot Asian girlfriend
5) Banking Information/address account number/ swift code - I bank at TCF, which is in a grocery store. The address is Jewel-Osco, 5343 N Broadway St, Chicago, IL 60640. I don't have the other information handy, but would prefer a check to direct deposit anyway. If you need me to hold one to it for a little bit to make sure it clears, no problem. I understand, believe me!

Thanks!

Yours in Christ,

Joe

Keep your fingers crossed, everybody! I don't know how long it will be for them to send a check from Nigeria, but as soon as it comes in, we're all going to Six Flags! With enough of us, I'm sure we can get some kind of discount.


ROBOWRITER'S ASSIGNMENT

For next week's assignment, you'll need to channel your darker side. I love dark comedy and don't consider anything sacred or off limits. The topics or issues themselves may not be inherently funny, but we're all humans and where there's humans there's humor.

To gear you up for it, write a list of ten things you think are absolutely not funny nor should ever be poked fun of. Here's mine...

1) AIDS
2) child abuse
3) cancer
4) Alzheimer's
5) old age
6) cruelty to animals
7) religious beliefs
8) suicide
9) sexual predators
10) racial stereotypes

Fun, eh?

The next step is to take one of the items on your list and do another list of situations - real, imagined, from your own experience, from people you know - where the issue comes into play.

Last night at RoboWriters, David Devries made a list using "Abortion." Here's a sample of his list paraphrased and partially made-up as I'm going by memory.

1) a girl tells her boyfriend she's pregnant
2) a girl tells her parents she's pregnant
3) a woman tells her husband that she recently had an abortion
4) a couple trying to have a baby run into a friend on her way to have an abortion
5) Two rabid anti-abortion protesters hook up and the girl gets pregnant and one of them wants it aborted

Now, the tricky part... make it funny. Some of these have potential for humor just because of the irony of the situation. For others, you may have to apply some comic techniques. Here are some examples...

- Turn the tables - The anti-abortion protesters are already in this predicament.

- Inappropriate Response - A couple tells one of their sets of parents that they are pregnant. The soon-to-be grandparents try to convince them to have an abortion. Either they don't think the baby would turn out right or they just aren't ready to be grandparents and can't handle it.

- Clash of Context - Instead of a Baby Shower, a woman holds an Abortion Shower to celebrate her devotion to non-motherhood. Gifts could be things like thongs.

It's a challenging assignment. It's hard to ride that line between just being a little sick and being repulsive. But it's good to experience where the line is drawn for you.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

" Yu Zhenhuan is campaigning to be one of the celebrities to carry the torch at the 2008 Olympics in China. His claim to fame is what?"

The blogspot poll service wasn't working, so I don't know what you picked. I will assume you all picked the correct answer because y ou are all so damn smart. The possible answers were...

"He started China's first porn website."
Nope. Nudity doesn't exist in the government's eyes in China.

"He's that guy that stood in front of that tank."
Not this one, either. No one seems to know for sure who that guy was. And China would prefer to keep it that way.

"He's the best basketball player to ever come out of China."
If that were the case, the NBA would have drafted him out of elementary school.

"He has hair over 96% of his body."
Yep.

According to The Times, China's hairiest man, who goes by the nickname "King Kong," wants to carry the Olympic torch. China hasn't said "no" to his request as they are still considering all applications. Sure, this man was born to carry a torch. While also carrying a spear and hunting for matodon. I don't know how I feel about it, except to say that there's nothing quite as repelling as the smell of burnt hair. He'll have to agree to wearing an asbestos jumpsuit.