10 Things You Should Please Stop Doing in Your Sketch Revue - NOW!!!

I'll tell you a little secret about most of the teachers in The Second City Training Center...

Most of us never go see any of the Second City shows. It's been years for me.

I know. We're hypocrites. We're always yammering to our students "Go see the shows, go see the shows." And when a student does come in to class having seen one of the resident companies, I'll eventually cop to not having seen it after my "knowingly smiling" look fails. We'll tell people we're too busy teaching or doing our own shows. The real reason we don't go see shows is because it is heart breaking. Anyone who has ever been a student at Second City knows that oftentimes there's a disconnect between what we teach in class and what gets put on stage. As teachers, it makes us feel unheard and ineffective. Better to keep the blinders on and focus on the students in front of me with whom I have a chance of making a difference.

Realizing the dishonesty of it all in regards to my students, I recently saw several sketch revues in all three theaters at the improv mothership that is Second City. I now have a point-of-reference in discussing with them what works and what doesn't work in Second City-style sketch revues.

Out of all the sketch revues I've seen the last few weeks, I highly recommend to you the mainstage show, Between Barrack and a Hard Place. It was originally written and performed by Joe Canale, Ithamar Enriquez, Molly Erdman, Brian Gallivan, Brad Morris and Amber Ruffin. Brian has since moved on and Mark Swaner has seamlessly taken his place. There are some very smart scenes and entertaining improv and some edgy, yet candy-coated songs. What I like most about the show, counter to most every other sketch revue in Chicago, is that it doesn't feel rushed. There's an early two-person relationship scene that really takes its time and keeps the "issue" of the scene subtle, but powerful. It's not a perfect show, but I don't want to nit-pick it. It's a very strong show with a great cast. Everyone has their own unique personae on stage and is fun to watch. They might start working on a new show in a few weeks. If so, go see it soon so that you can see the full Barrack as it was intended before new material gets worked into it.

Yeah, I know. It sounds like I'm gushing. I'm really not trying to cover my ass on anything here. I fully enjoyed myself.


About those other shows I saw. Rather than drag names through the mud, I created a list.

TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD PLEASE STOP DOING IN YOUR SKETCH REVUE - NOW!!!


1) Please stop making up fake diseases or conditions based on celebrities or social trends for doctor scenes. Rather than have someone diagnosed with "Lindsey Lohan-itis," I'd rather see a scene about parents dealing with their daughter who acts like Lindsey and having to come to terms with that the best thing for them to do is, God forbid, stop trying to be her best friends and discipline her.

2) Please stop doing scenes structured like interventions or AA meetings. Aside from it being tired, it really keeps the characters from authentically dealing with one another. Have someone's best friend tell them they can't deal with their Justin Timberlake or Star Trek obsession rather than making that character join a hack rehab group or be intervened upon.

3) Please stop having homosexual overtones in your scenes. I get it, even though the male boss is letting the male employee go, it's really a metaphor for a gay break-up scene. I'd rather see a gay break-up scene driven by intelligence, emotion and humor than by giggle-inducing homophobia.

4) Please stop trying to shock me. I'm not opposed to blue humor, but if the foundation for a scene isn't there and I don't care about the characters or relationships, then you're just being shocking for shock's sake. Nothing moves forward and instead of making me laugh you've grossed me out. Or bored me, which is what happens after the shock wears off. Jerry Springer, Howard Stern and Mancow already have this turf covered.

5) Please stop having improvised portions if you're not really going to improvise. If it's just an excuse to ad-lib witty remarks or make fun of people in the audience, I'll go to Uncle Chuckle's Comedy Shack.

6) Please finish the scene that you started. You're telling a story. Finish the story.

I'm seeing a lot of "scenes" that are structured like this...

Present funny idea
Make a few funny jokes about funny idea
Quick! LIGHTS OUT and play LOUD MUSIC!

Scenes really can have a beginning, middle and end. Characters really can transform and situations can be resolved in ways that are surprising, yet logical and very satisfying.

7) Please stop using Tourette's and Alzheimer's as a reason for a character being funny. Having a character afflicted with one of these conditions could be interesting - and funny - if done respectfully. If you're going to use them, do your homework. Make it a part of the character, not the character itself.

8) Please slow down. There's this misconception that MTV has ruined sketch comedy and all theater, for that matter. It's not true. If it's good, people will pay attention. Most sketch revues deal in what Mr. Hall calls "shock and awe." It moves so fast and with such fury that you don't realize how unfunny it is. If you're worried that by giving your scenes a natural life you'll lose the audience, then you lack confidence in your material and your audience. Audiences aren't as dumb as they look.

9) Please stop making political references if you don't have something new or interesting to say. I get it. Bush is dumb. He messes up his words a lot. You've saddled your poor actor with doing an imitation of an imitation. Give me something that will make me laugh and think.

10) Please stop making so many damn pop culture references. Unless it really reveals something important about the character or forwards the story, avoid it. We get it. You watch TV. You download music. You love movies. Now, please, go read a book and take a pottery class. Go live your life and use that as a resource for material.

Most of these things show up in sketch revues out of laziness. Writers and directors are just aping what they've seen before and are playing it safe. Work a little harder. Dig a little deeper. Take more risks.



ROBOWRITER'S TONIGHT

Bring your scenes to the Uptown Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway, at 6:30pm and get feedback from a big jerk like me. It's only $5.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Michael Vick is being sued for 63 billion dollars by an inmate. Which is NOT one of his claims?"

40% thought "Vick gave money to Iran to buy missiles"
- but that's one of the major claims in the lawsuit. The prisoner contends Vick stole his dogs, sold them on eBay and gave the proceeds to Iran. I have no joke for this.

Another 40% thought "Vick hired robotic guards"
- but that's claim number seven. Those guards work at the prison and are trying to keep him from telling the truth about Vick. And to keep him from having conjugal visits from Sarah Connor. They all look like this guy...





No one picked "Vick threw snowballs at his car"
- which is, indeed, part of the lawsuit. But it's Michael Vick, so only half the balls actually hit the car.

The correct answer, which isn't part of the lawsuit, is "Vick ruined his lucky prisoner pants"
- hey, this guy is crazy, but he's not that crazy.

According the The Atlanta-Journal Constitution, enterprising litigant Jonathan Lee Riches, recently filed a multi-billion dollar handwritten lawsuit against embattled Falcons quarterback Michael Vick alleging everything from stolen copyrighted property to "microwave testing" to a shady arms deal with Iran. Most lawsuits like this wouldn't make it to court. An attorney wouldn't risk his or her reputation. That's why the guy with the traditional nutbag middle name "Lee" is going to represent himself in court. USA! USA! USA!

Dada Surplus

Anytime I'm in a situation where I'm asked to generate material for a project, I will do my best to generate a mother lode. I've been that way ever since the early days of The Armageddon Radio Hour when we first did it thirteen years ago. Part of it is a competition with myself to see how much quality material I can produce. Another more needier side of me just wants to get as many pieces as possible in the show. When I was in college, Graham Chapman came to visit and chatted with us about Monty Python. He spoke about writing meetings for Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album (their first and only album of all original material). Apparently, everyone brought in a few things they were working on and Terry Jones came in with over 25 pieces. To paraphrase Graham, "You bring in that many bleeding pieces, something's going to get in!"

Unfortunately, there's the inevitable let down of when a show's material gets set and there's a bulk of material I generated that won't get to be seen in front of the audience. Oh, heavy sigh. Such is the life of a writer. I don't blame the director for his or her lack of artistic vision in this. (Really, I don't.)

For the upcoming Soiree Dada show, I wrote around twenty pieces and co-wrote a few others. Out of the twenty-one pieces that will make up Blind Donkey Hopscotch, I wrote four of the pieces and co-wrote two others. From a writer's standpoint where material was being submitted by possibly a dozen people, that's pretty darn good.

Writer's are never the best people to ask about their own work. There's stuff I write that I have a personal connection to and there's stuff that I don't. To get my creative wheels turning early in the dada writing process, I did a lot of "cut and paste" scenes and poems. Original dadaists used to take existing pieces of literature, such as a Shakespeare tragedy (the more serious, the better), chop up the dialogue, throw it in a bag, shake it up, pull out the pieces, glue them to a piece of paper in random order and - TAH-DAH! - a dada poem or scene.

My resources were of less worthy stock. I actually took the written stuff at the bottom of most male enhancement spam e-mails and fashioned them into poems. They're already gobbledy-gook, so it didn't take much. The down side? Because there wasn't much me in them, I didn't much care for them. All I fashioned was the context in which the words would be spoken. One of them did make it into the show, but I won't tell you which one. Even though it doesn't hold much meaning for me, others saw enough in it to deem it worthy for production and I don't want to diminish that. There's a similar piece I "wrote" that also made it where I literally took text from a "how to" website and fashioned it into a live demonstration. It's also in the show, but it's fun, physical and a little vaudeville, so I like that one.

The stuff I like the best came from stream of consciousness writing. Tapping into my thoughts and feelings, twisting words to find new meanings, and thinking about food. (I made the mistake of doing a lot of my dada writing while eating alone in restaurants.) But they are mine and I made them from scratch. A few of these are in the show and I'm very proud. I'm especially delighted to see them being performed by other people. As a writer, I love to see how other people interpret my work. Especially if it surprises me and makes the piece come alive.

Here's one piece I like a lot that's not in the show, although it might pop up in a segment where we are all doing poems simultaneously.


Babykarotten
Written by Dada Mondo YiPPeeeeeee

The baby carrots go unwanted.
And they should.
Abortion helps weed out the assholes.

Leave them in the dirt.
Babies are good for the soil.
The worms will appreciate the change of pace.

If baby carrots are pulled from the earth, they will die.
Even if they become adult carrots, they will die.

They will be hit by an automobile.
They will go to war and come back in burlap sacks.
They will lose their optimism.
They will develop a clot.
They will be taken advantage of.
They will accidentally on purpose break your heart.
They will cut and run.
They will end up begging for money on the streets.
They will take up a nasty habit.
They will be eaten and swallowed and shat and flushed and eaten and swallowed and shat and flushed.

The baby carrots go unwanted.

Leave them.

Leave them in the dirt.


That rocking image from the top of the post is a painting called Whatever Happened to Baby Carrot? from artist Bethany Marchman!


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY


Yesterday, I asked...

"Security guard Corey Tully in Miami was being robbed by two men until they were interrupted when one of the robbers did what?"

33% answered "Mistook Tully for Garth Brooks"
- Must have been that ten gallon cowboy hat. Or the greasy Chris Gaines' wig.





16% picked "Discovered Tully was a woman"
- Hmmm, maybe he was wearing that Chris Gaines' wig.

Everyone was too smart to fall for "Dropped his plastic gun and stepped on it"

According to the AP, one of the robbers accidentally shot his accomplice in the eye. They were wrestling Corey Tully to the ground when it happened. They ran to their getaway car where two other men waited and gotaway to a hospital where all four of them were also arrested. Guess they shot the brains of the operation.

Karl Rove's Memoirs - First Draft

Karl Rove is retiring. Seven years ago, this would have been welcomed news. Now, it's like someone backing out of the room before the shit really hits the fan. He said he needs to spend more time with his family.




He will also write a book about his political career.

Here are some interesting facts from PBS's Frontline that I hope he includes...

- At age 9, Rove is a vocal supporter of Richard Nixon's presidential campaign -- so vocal, in fact, that an older girl, a would-be Kennedy voter, beats him up. He then leaked information to the school newspaper implying the pre-teen lass liked boys, had cooties and was a liberal.

- During his first year of college his parents divorce and not long after, he learns that Louis Rove, the man he thought was his father, is not. He does not meet his biological father until he is in his 40s. Who is his real father? I think it's this guy.

- Rove, eager to see Bill Clements in the Texas governor's seat again, drafts a memo that foreshadows future Rove campaigns. He quotes Napoleon, advising candidates to put forth "a well-reasoned and extremely circumspect defensive, [sic] followed by rapid and audacious attack." Where is our Watergate-loo?

- In 1993, he convinces George W. Bush to run for governor against Ann Richards. According to Washington Post reporter Dana Milbank, Rove gives Bush a book, The Dream and the Nightmare: The Sixties' Legacy to the Underclass by Myron Magnet, that will later form the basis of "compassionate conservatism."

Here's what Publisher's Weekly and The Wall Street Journal have to say about that book. Note the contrast!

From Publishers Weekly

The legacy of the subtitle, according to Magnet, is "a liberal, left-of-central worldview" that, despite the intentions of the 1960s counterculture advocates, divides our society more fully than ever into Haves and Have-Nots. The sexual revolution and the focus on free "expressiveness" had the effect of holding "the poor back from advancement by robbing them of responsibility for their fate and thus further squelching their initiative and energy." ...Magnet urges that we " stop the current welfare system, stop quota-based affirmative action . . . stop letting bums expropriate public spaces . . . stop Afrocentric education in the schools." Magnet offers many examples of societal ills but fails to make a convincing case that the legacy of the counterculture is the culprit.

From THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

An absorbing tale of how the honorable intentions of liberal do-gooders produced tragic consequences. It is also at heart a profoundly optimistic book...Many writers have addressed this topic recent years but few have done so with more wisdom or more passion than Magnet.

- Rove convinces Bush to run for president. They go after John McCain in the primaries. McCain faces a brutal whispering campaign about his mental health, his wife's admitted battle with a dependency on prescription drugs and whether he had fathered a black child out of wedlock. (The McCains had adopted a Bangladeshi child from Mother Teresa's orphanage.)

It's been a long series of dirty tricks - too many to list here!- to get George Junior in the Oval Office chair for two terms in a row. Karl's the man. I look forward to reading his book.

This just in...Found on a discarded laptop in Lafayette Park near the White House, is the first draft of spinmeister/architect Karl Rove's book. It begins...

It was the best of times, it was the best of times.

And anyone who tells you otherwise is from the liberal media.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY


Yesterday, I asked...

"Which of the following is NOT attributed to media mogul Merv Griffin?"

50% answered "Bought the Beverly Hilton from Barron Hilton" This is true. Merv got into real estate because he was BORED. And what got him going was a phone call from Baron Hilton asking him if he'd like to buy his hotel. Much like how you or I might call a friend to see if they'd like to take a bookcase or futon off our hands. A $100 million bionic futon.

25% took a shot at Had a hit song with "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Cocoanuts"
Right on. Merv got a gig fronting a band at Los Angeles' Cocoanut Grove. They had a big hit in 1948 with "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Cocoanuts" that Merv sang with a disturbing cockney accent.

25% answered "Was discovered by Doris Day"
This is also true. Day saw him singing with is band in Las Vegas. A series of trivial roles in lackluster movies followed.

The one thing Merv did NOT do that no one got...Wrote the theme song to "The Price is Right"

Perhaps Merv's biggest claim to fame internationally is being the creator of Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. He also wrote their theme songs. All these facts are in the Associated Press's obituary on Merv. I will always remember him as a talk show host I would watch after school and as the killer in The Man with Two Brains.

"I dunno, I've always just loved to kill. I really enjoyed it..."

Bring Back the Draft!

On Friday night, my girlfriend and I went to Evanston to see Ratatouille. Yeah, I know, it's been out for awhile. I will seldom see something when it opens because I hate dealing with the crowds. Since we were going out on a Friday, we avoided anything that would be in the top five. It's the way I roll.

As we approached the cineplex, we noticed an anti-war demonstration. We were very much in danger of NOT noticing the war demonstration. There was about fifteen people on a plaza holding polite "No More War" signs. No yelling. No blocking foot or car traffic. Certainly no media. Just a nice, polite anti-war demonstration. I almost missed it and no one - myself, the outdoor diners, the other movie goers - were deterred in the least from our destinations or activities.

This isn't just an Evanston thing. We saw an even smaller one last weekend in Logan Square. What the heck is going on here? Where are the huge anti-war demonstrations of the late '60's and early '70's? Where's the flag-burning? Where's giving the governor a reason to call the national guard - even though they're all in Iraq? Julie noticed that everyone in both demonstrations seemed to be in their 40's and 50's. Maybe even 60's. These people remember, and may even have participated, in those earlier demonstrations. Where's the anger and outrage? Where are the college students?

Then I read this on BreitBart...

WASHINGTON (AP) - Frequent tours for U.S. forces in Iraq and Afghanistan have stressed the all-volunteer force and made it worth considering a return to a military draft, President Bush's new war adviser said Friday.

"I think it makes sense to certainly consider it," Army Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute said in an interview with National Public Radio's "All Things Considered."

"And I can tell you, this has always been an option on the table. But ultimately, this is a policy matter between meeting the demands for the nation's security by one means or another," Lute added in his first interview since he was confirmed by the Senate in June.

Aha! The reason anti-war demonstrations across this country are so lame is because college-age students aren't having their butts involuntarily sent to an unjust war. No one is forced to chose between fighting in a war they don't support and burrowing their way into Canada. If Mitt Romney's boys were in danger of having their numbers pulled in the big war lottery, there would be a lot more outrage from young republicans. As long as the war is over there and dad's not making anyone hop in a hummer and look for roadside IED's in the dessert, then "polite" war demonstrations are going to continue. Every Friday, after work, bring a covered dish.

Want to see a quick end to the war? Bring back the draft. Send more children of Congressmen over to Iraq. See more public outrage as the war really hits everyone's home.

And go see Ratatouille. Great film. Awesome animated short before the feature, too. Called Lifted, it's a fine example of a "simple, but impossible task" scene done without dialogue.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Saturday, I asked...

"A man in Seattle was assaulted in a karaoke bar for singing which song?"

25% picked Bobby Vinton's "Blue Velvet"
Hmmm...Who did the punching? This Guy?



25% also picked Booker T's "Green Onions"
One of the finest pop rocks INSTRUMENTALS ever. I'd punch someone, too, if they added lyrics.

No one fell for Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze"


50% got it right with Coldplay's "Yellow"

According to The Smoking Gun, a woman assaulted a man at the Changes Tavern when he tried to warble his way through the Coldplay classic. She apparently only had two well-articulated complaints; his singing sucked and the song fucking sucked. Everybody's a critic.

To quote the song in question...

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow (and you sucked)

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

The Big & Betsy Show - Knorsong (2000)



A slight departure from the usual American nostalgia on Saturday Morning Cartoons. This is from a Belgian children's show called "Big & Betsy." "Big & Betsy" was a popular TV show featuring live action and animation. The animation also featured cartoon versions of Big and Betsy, which is unusual for a kid's show. Like all classic cartoon pigs, Big is naked from the waist down.

I chose it because I think it carries a universal message kids all over the world would love.




The universal message? Farting is funny.

Pretty cool that a kid's show knows this and uses it. It makes me wonder how much more I'd enjoy shows like The Teletubbies or Barney if they farted.

I believe "fopje flauw mopje" roughly translates to "silly people tell silly jokes."


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Don and Debra Macleod wrote a book to help married couples put the spark back in their sex lives. Its title is what?"

Receiving 14% of the responses was "Zen and the Art of Getting It On"
It's all about the quality, folks.

Receiving 28% each were "What Color is Your Condom?" and "Dirty Deeds for Dummies"
Good guesses. But learn to abstain.

The popular answer at 30%, and the correct answer, is "Lube Jobs"

According to The Huffington Post, Don and Debra came up with this book as a sex maintenance manual. Which is good. Women don't like it when their spouses get their johnsons worked on by a professional.

Exquisite Corpse

ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

Last night, we played a version of a surrealist game called Exquisite Corpse. We each wrote the title of a made up scene at the bottom of a page and the names of the characters in the left hand margin for each time one of them spoke. It looked something like this...



PHYLLIS
PHYLLIS
PHYLLIS
RAIF
PHYLLIS
RAIF
RAIF
RAIF
BELVEDEERE
PHYLLIS
RAIF
BELVEDEERE

"THE LAVENDER CRANK"

If a character's name is repeated, it just means they are speaking a few lines in a row. We each took turns blindly writing lines of dialogue. Our eyes were open, but after we wrote a line of dialogue, we folded the paper back to hide the line from others. When you wrote a line of dialogue, you never knew what came before it or what would be coming after it.

You usually end up with a very odd scene full of non-sequiters. Right up a surrealist's melting alley. The fun part is when some of the lines seem to magically click together. One memorable exchange was "Where'd that ferret go?" followed by "He bit out my eye and now he's batting it around."

The assignment was to approach our surreal scene as a really rough draft. Take the dialogue you like and any implied relationships or issues and polish it into a stageable scene.

What? You're a loser and you don't have a group of friends willing to sit around and play this game if free beer isn't involved? Not to worry. I'm your friend and I am here to help. Grab a book. Any book. A play would probably work best, but any book will do.

Before you crack open it open, set up your page like we did for The Lavender Crank. I grabbed Anton Chekhov's play The Three Sisters and since I already have it made, I'm going to use The Lavender Crank template. You can do this however you like, but avoid cherry picking your lines. Take the first complete line of dialogue. Not a whole monolgue. Just a sentence or two from a charcter's line. You want to do it quickly and without consideration of logic. I'm just going to randomly open the book and grab the first line at the top of every page. It will look something like this...


PHYLLIS: He's in love! Andrusha's in love!
PHYLLIS: And all my life I have hung around little apartments with two chairs, a sofa and a stove that always smokes.
PHYLLIS: Our director says: the principal thing in every life is its form...
RAIF: I'll have some of that dark vodka...
PHYLLIS: No, it just doesn't match...and somehow it looks odd-
RAIF: (tearfully) Now, why do I say that?
RAIF: Andrusha, what are you doing?
RAIF: I was just thinking- Besides there's nothing to talk about...
BELVEDEERE: How's that?
PHYLLIS: I am seized with anxiety, and my conscience torments me for their having such a mother.
RAIF: You are thinner...And look younger and your face begins to look like a little boy's.
BELVEDEERE: But life will remain quite the same, a difficult life, mysterious and happy.

"THE LAVENDER CRANK"

Quite a mess, our Lavendar Crank is! What I do like, is that I can read into it a relationship. Phyllis and Raif are mother and father. Belvedeere (or Andrusha, who will become Belvedeere) is their son and in love. The parents don't know how to take the news. The mother wants to mine it for her soccer mom acting (or improv) class while the father wants to drink. The mother, a real bundle of motherly nerves, is worried the color of the drink doesn't go with the furniture. Belvedeere's last line makes me think that although he is in love, it is either unrequited or hidden from his intended, therefore, life will not change in spite of his feelings. There's potential for a nice little quirky dysfunctional family scene that I could develop into a first draft. Give it a try!


MORE 411 ON 419

Greg Wendling, a fellow RoboWriter, is a big fan of the 419 Eater website and turned me on to their Letters Archive where some really ingenious scambaiters have posted e-mails, videos and phone conversations chronicling their baiting process. The best one I read is called The Road to Nowhere. It takes awhile to get though, but it's worth it. Just when you think they can't take it any further, they do, in very surprising and gutsy ways. Three highlights you have to make sure you hit are any phone conversations or videos involving "Peter Jones," the scammer's conversation with "John Kimble," and the last phone conversation with "Max N. Paddy." Greg also tells me there are cases where scambaiters were able to convince the scammers to send THEM money!



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A Catholic priest in Denver was arrested recently for doing what?"

12% of you responded "Giving a sermon while drunk."
Well, if that were a crime for a Catholic priest...

25% said "Groping a clown."
As much as I love the visual image and the possible honking sounds involved, no.

The popular answer at 38% was "Gambling collection plate money on the ponies."
Alas, no. They'll have to stick with putting bets down on your souls.

25% got the correct answer, "Jogging while naked."
Pretty picture.

According to The Denver Post, Rev. Robert Whipkey was charged with indecent exposure when police discovered him walking home after jogging in the buff at the local high school track before dawn. He told police that he was sans clothes because he's a heavy guy who sweats when he runs. Great. A chubby, sweaty naked priest walking through the neighborhood in the dark. Clearly, there is no God.

If convicted, he'll have to register as a sex offender. My first thought on this was, "Great. Another creepy priest. Do whatever you have to do with this guy." That might still be the best way to go with sweaty Whipkey, however there's an interesting take on this over at Classically Liberal. If running outside naked before dawn makes someone a sex offender, then anyone who's ever gone streaking, ran a naked mile in college or gone on an organized naked bike ride is a sex offender. Seems a bit excessive in that light, doesn't it? Raise your hand if you've ever indulged in any of the above activities. Well, don't raise your hand if it means uncovering your genitals. Go put on some clothes, Lady Godiva.

Million Dollar Maybe

You see, I could be making millions of dollars, right now. No, I'm not talking about an e-mail I got from a deposed prince who needs me to help transfer buh-jillions of dollars into this country. I'm talking about using good old fashioned brain-fueled elbow grease. I'm talking talent. A sheer hawking of my adult prodigy wares...to Hollywood.

I have made a deal with the people who run Tinseltown. Through various indirect channels, I have clearly communicated my position. I will not move to LA unless I am offered an ungodly amount of money upfront. Pure and simple. Come across with the dough and I'll be there Monday morning with a latte in my hand. They haven't said "no." Not in so many words. Mostly, they've been silent as they are, I am sure, weighing my proposal.

Is this just the cocky ramblings of a delusional washed-up hack? Nay, I say. Nay! I am an idea man. Hollywood chews up and poops out ideas faster than an alien plant from outer space gnaws through people. I can feed that idea consuming machine, ladies and gentlemen. I have ideas dripping out of my pores. Sparks fly from my computer keyboard and sometimes I have to stop because the smoke from my fingertips gets in my eyes. And it stings! Stings with passion.

Allow me to demonstrate my creative prowess. If I were in LA, I'd open up an idea shack near Chinatown. All the studio executives and film directors would line-up around the block to see me.

Michael Bay - Need an idea for your next picture?

Here's one. Right off the top of my head. TUPPERWARE: THE MOVIE. No, strike that. Make it TUPPER WARS. Rubbery plastic containers from outer space that occasionally need to be burped to keep their freshness in - that is their kryptonite! They land on earth while escaping from the clutches of an evil villain team-up of Al Uminum Foil and Plastique Rap (I'm thinking Robin Williams and Will Smith here, respectively). They are befriended by a beautiful Rachel Ray-type (or Rachel Ray herself if she ever un-porks herself). She is admired from afar by a struggling Wolfgang Puck. He falls in with the evil villains in a bid to gain more fame and fortune to try to impress Ray. A huge battle takes place after the International Food Olympics when Rachel and the Tupperwares try to bring leftovers to a hungry third world country and the bad guys try to stop them. Wolfgang betrays the evil villains because he realizes he is truly in love with the Rachel Ray-esque babe (two words, Angelina Jolie. In an apron. Equals HOT!)and Wolfgang needs to make amends. She forgives him for all the death and destruction. They are awarded medals by the International Food Olympics committee. They then get married and cater their own wedding reception.

NEXT!!!! Ah, Steven Spielberg.

Your next smash hit is called JEWBOT. Nazis have perfected robot technology and their giant super fighting machine falls in love with a Jewish girl. He saves her from the ovens at a concentration camp by smashing through the walls with his fists. Nazis send an even bigger giant super fighting robot to kill him. They have a huge battle in Berlin, destroying most of the city. The good robot deals a death blow to the bad robot who falls on Hitler and kills him dead. The good robot and the Jewish girl free all the Jews, end the war, and get married under a giant chuppah made by hundreds of grateful concentration camp survivors from their own underwear.

NEXT!!! Ah, the Weinstein brothers. Looking for something classy, but with that independent spirit?

I have just the thing for you. It's called MATT ADORE, for only the slightest reason. An artsy grunge musician from Seattle named Matt Adore - that's right, it's a period piece from the early '90's - falls in love with an illegal immigrant (think Salma Hayek, if she ever gets un-pregnant) who is sent back to Mexico (topical, too!). This young Ethan Hawke goes in search for her. He gets a job as a matador (get it?) on the bullfighting circuit to cover his expenses while searching all of Meh-hee-ko for her. He has a buddy, a chubby Jack Black guy, who goes with him for comic relief. One afternoon, during the toughest bullfight of his career, he sees the love of his life selling tamales in the stands. (She takes the job in hopes of seeing him. He's become wildly famous. He is a bullfighting rock and roll star. She almost approaches him before the fight, but he is besieged by lovely senoritas throwing their mexican moccasins at him out of love.) He sees her in the stands tossing tamales for pesos. A fat guy in a sombrero is yelling at her. She turns and sees Ethan. Their eyes lock. The music swells. The Jack Black character comically yells "Loooooooooook ouuuuuuut!" in slow motion. Just then, the bull gourds the matador! Salma jumps over the stands and runs to him. The bull charges her as she tends to him. With his dying breath, he throws her out of the way and gets to his feet. His golden matador outfit all bloodied from the gaping hole in his side. The bull is so impressed by his bravery that he stops, bows down to the matador, and then kills himself out of respect. The bull takes his own life by turning his lethal horns in on himself and puncturing his own gut. The bull collapses. Ethan collapses. Salma Hayek picks him up and carries him out of the stadium as the crowd cheers and throws flowers at them. We think he's dead, but cut to them getting married outdoors, he in his matador outfit with a big gauze bandage over the wound. The Jack Black guy is the best hombre. In the background in a field, we can see a big wedding fiesta is set up and the body of the bull turns over a spit. The newly declared couple kiss. Everyone in the wedding party yells "Ole!" Freeze. Credits roll.

Sniff the air. Smell that? That's the smell of a blockbuster. That's the smell of Star Wars and Indiana Jones running like frightened little girls away the Top Grossing Movies of All Time list.

Throughout history, people have hungered for stories to help them kill time before they die. Entertainment is a drug and I am selling crack, my friends. It might be hard to believe, but I made these three Oscar worthy movies up right on the spot. My oilwell gusher head can be tapped into.

The ball is in your court, Hollywood. You know my name. You have my number. The best time to reach me is in the morning, but, really, anytime is okay.


ROBOWRITERS IS TONIGHT...

...at 6:30pm at The Uptown Writer's Space at Lawrence and Broadway. Stop on in to get feedback on your written scenes or to get inspired or motivated to write.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"To keep their officers from committing minor infractions of the law, Thai Police are threatening which punishment?"

29% answered "making door-to-door apologies."
I think that's a great idea, but no. Answer wrong, again, and you'll have to go knock on some doors.

No one went for the very fine deterrents of "singing the Thai National anthem at a sporting event" or "writing things like "I will not litter" five thousand times."
Both would work for me, although the singing would punish too many innocent people.

The correct answer? 71% got it with "wearing 'Hello Kitty' accessories."

According to The New York Times, the Thai police will make any officers who break the law wear a "Hello Kitty" arm band. They tried a plaid arm band, but the officers wore them with a sense of cocky pride missing the point entirely. The pink arm bands are supposed to make them feel a little humiliation for their actions. If it doesn't work, I recommend tutus.Or replacing their nightsticks with little princess-type magic wands.