I'm Having a Movement

Bite and Smile will return on Wednesday. I am in the process of moving my self and my possessions - along with two cats and a beautiful girlfriend (who has done more than her share of the work and I am now her indentured slave as a result) - from Edgewater to Logan Square here in Chicago. So, time to pack up the ol' iMac.

Please visit some of my other friends while I'm away. Just don't be a blog slut about it. I expect you here when I get back!

The Graffiti Table
Angry White Guy
Clever Title
I'm So Tired

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

The Mighty Heroes (1966)



Here's an unusual cartoon that I barely remember. It ran for one year as a part of a Mighty Mouse series. It was created by a young Ralph Bakshi (later of Wizards and Fritz the Cat fame and mentor to John Kricfalusi of Ren and Stimpy). I remembered the heroes, particularly Rope Man and Coo-Coo Man, but I couldn't recall anything else about them, including the title! I actually stumbled across them while looking for a different cartoon.

The damned thing about this cartoon is that it looks great. The characters, including the villains, were all very clever and original. It's just very poorly written. All the stories follow virtually the same story structure - City in trouble, Mighty Heroes called to help, Mighty Heroes ineptly battle the bad guy until they somehow turn it around, bad guy gets caught. They never spend any time developing the characters or their relationships. We never learn about their origins or why they are even together. All the heroes seem to be of an even peer status and don't seem to have any feelings either way about each other. And even though they all have a unique ability, they don't seem to have a unique perspective.

The dialogue is atrocious, mostly made up of "To the rescue!" "Up, up and away!" "I'll get him!" "Take that!" etc.

So, why include it? Well, like I said, it looks great And if you are at all a Ralph Bakshi or John K. fan, it's interesting.





THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A man in Morrisville, North Carolina was charged with assaulting a government official when he did what?"

12% thought "Gave a dirty look to a cop"
- That's right. He punched the cop with his eyes. Um, no.

12% picked "Flashed a cop"
- Boy, if you could sue someone for assaulting their eyes, none of us would get any work done. So, no.

1% chose "Hit a cop with his car"
- The darn thing was, he hid the car in his shoe. No.

75% hacked up the right answer "Coughed on a cop"

According to The News & Observer, when Morrisville police officer Chris Gill handed him a ticket, Kent Kauffman coughed. Next thing Kauffman knew, Gill was charging him with assault on a government official. A Wake County judge will decide the intent behind Kauffman's cough, because he doesn't have anything better to do with his time, apparently.

And Now...The Rest of the Story

ROBOWRITER'S ASSIGNMENT

Assistant Director’s Cut: Fake Deleted Scenes and Alternate Endings

Courtesy of Mr. Chris Othic.

This assignment is one of my favorites. I like it so much that at one time myself and a group of writers did an entire show based on this premise.

The basic idea is that you are writing fake deleted scenes and alternate endings for your favorite movies. When you are choosing a movie to write a scene for, you should know the movie fairly well and it’s best if the Average Joe probably knows a little bit about it also. This means you will probably be writing fake scenes for movies like Star Wars, The Matrix, The Sixth Sense, Brokeback Mountain, and similar movies. You can probably get away with writing about a movie that is a little more obscure, but it should at least have an element to it that most people know about.

First you want to generate a list of movies that you are familiar with. You can do this from your own personal choices, or look up lists of top movies at sites like IMDB or Blockbuster.com. Then you can go down the list and start generating ideas. You can either do fake deleted scenes or alternate endings.

For instance, in the show we did we had a deleted scene from Star Wars, which was the surprise party for Darth Vader thrown by his staff to celebrate the completion of the Death Star. Vader got some gag gifts, and we made fun of his funny breathing. We also had a scene from The Exorcist that was the “lost” slumber party scene where a possessed Regan invites her girlfriends to sleep over. You can imagine how that went with some vomiting and head spinning. When you are doing a deleted scene it’s really a parody of the tenants of the film (vomiting, head spinning) and also add some comic elements. The Exorcist slumber party was also a clash of context as in incorporated typical slumber party behavior with horror movies.

Alternate endings are a little different in that you are obviously taking the ending and giving it a comic twist. For example, we had an alternate ending for the movie Seven in which Brad Pitt’s character opens the box that contains Gwyneth Paltrow’s head, only in our version the box had anything but her head in it because apparently John Doe kept getting his seven deadly sins confused.

One last note: it is probably easier to make fun of any genre except comedies. You may be able to pull it off, but most comedies are already funny, and when you try to make fun of them it doesn’t always work. The other genres tend to work much better.

THE BS NEWS OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The Guolizhuang restaurant in Bejing claims to feature China's only what?"

34% answered "Pancreas Pancakes"
- Nope. It was only added because it sounded better than "Pancreas Platter," which they don't have either.

10% picked "Poop- Poop Platter"
- Even though it's what we all think of when we order the Pu-Pu Platter anyway, the answer is "no."

10% thought "Palate Platter"
- No. Probably the boringest answer, but really gross when you think about it. Ew, you're eating a mouth!

46% ordered correctly with Penis Platter

According to The Telegraph, situated in an elegantly restored house beside Beijing's West Lake, Guolizhuang is China's first speciality penis restaurant. Businessmen and government officials can sample the organs of yaks, donkeys, oxen and even seals. In fact, they have to, since they form part of every dish - except for those containing testicles. Choke on that!

Dog penis with plum, anyone?

No Childrens Left Behind

Why He Embarrasses Me

"As yesterday's positive report card shows," Bush said, "childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured."

That, and because he's spending a billion dollars a day swapping blood for oil and claims he's fiscally responsible with our tax dollars.

Say what you will about Bubba, I think he and Gore put this country on track. They weren't perfect, but there was a positive, forward momentum. I don't consider myself a full-blooded democrat. In my first presidential election, I voted independent. But when Clinton was elected after eight years of Reagan and four years of George H, I felt, literally felt, a weight lift off my shoulders. It was exiting and a time of growth. Now, every day, when I read the news, I am just bewildered. How can this be happening and why are those with heart and a true moral compass so impotent to stop the madness?

I don't know. I do believe it will change with the next election, but I'm impatient and I want change now. I want justice now.



SOIREE DADA

We are at our halfway point as we enter into our fourth week of Soiree Dada: Blinde Esel Hopse. Reviews have been favorable and audiences have been great. If you want to get into the show for five dollars less than "normal" people, say "Medulla Oblongata" really slowly at the box office.

Me-e-e-e-dew-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-la-a-a-a-a-a-a-a

Ob-long-gah-ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-tah!



ROBOWRITERS

Is tonight! Uptown Writer's Space at 6:30pm. Bring any ol' sketch you want to get feedback on, hang out with other writers and read scenes out loud and giggle, get ideas for your next scene, eat cookies.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A man at the Oklahoma State Fair prevented a horse stampede by doing what?"

34% said "Giving them cotton candy"
- Sure. Calm them down with sugar. Works for children, too. Not!

16% thought "Singing songs from 'Oklahoma!'"
- No, but the western ballet dream sequence almost put them to sleep.

8% picked "Tasering them"
- Isn't that the answer to everything, bro?

42% got it right with "Biting one of the horses in the ear"

According to the Associated Press, the coach of Oklahoma City's minor-league hockey team helped prevent a possible stampede of Belgian horses at the Oklahoma State Fair by biting one of the animals on its ear. "That's how you stymie a horse," he said. "You bite as hard as you can, and it won't move." This also explains the Mike Tyson-like ear chomps his hockey team's opponents seem to mysteriously suffer.

Misconception

This is a scene that I wrote late last year for Teatro Bastardo's show at Sketchfest in the early part of this year. It was originally seven pages of what I thought was comedy gold. The other members of Teatro thought maybe there was only five pages worth of comedic precious metal. And they were right. It's good to work with people who will tell you exactly what you need to hear to improve your scene. It was the first "conventional" scene I had written in a long time. By conventional, I mean that it is a pretty straightforward three-person scene that takes place in a doctor's office. I tell my students that what they write about is arbitrary. What makes the a scene unique is their own voice as a writer. I have seen what seems like hundreds of scenes that take place in doctor's offices, so this was my challenge to myself to come up with one of my own.

This scene was also in our run of the show Life...is a Joke at the Skybox a few months later.


MISCONCEPTION
Written by Joe Janes
Final Draft

CAST:
DR. MILLMER
JASON
JILL

(Lights up on Jason and Jill. Jason is in his 40s, Jill is in her 30s. They sit in a doctor’s office.)

JASON

I feel good about this.

JILL

Me, too, honey.

JASON

If everything works out, we might just have a little visitor by Christmas, and it won’t be Santa.

(They laugh. Dr. Millmer enters with a clipboard.)

DR. MILLMER

All right, then, Jason and Jill Methusiak. I have your test results here.

JASON

Every fertility doctor we’ve seen has run tests, Dr. Millmer. I don’t think you’re going to tell us anything new.

DR. MILLMER

Perhaps not. Just a formality. Jill, you’re plumbing is in tip-top shape. Pristine, in fact. The uterus is slightly tilted, but that just makes things a little interesting, right, Jason? And Jason, your sperm count is amazingly low.

JASON

We already knew it was low-

DR. MILLMER

Amazingly low. I could count your sperm with one hand (mimes the action). You’re a late bloomer, aren’t ya’?

JASON

I waited until my 40s to get married, if that’s what you mean.

DR. MILLMER

Fortunately, you married someone fifteen years your junior. Jill’s youth gives us a fighting chance here. If you had appropriately married someone close to your age, forget it. You’d be planting your dried up cornhusk in a dust bowl.

JILL

Dr. Millmer. We’ve been to five other doctors without any success.

JASON

We’ve been trying for years to get pregnant. Spent a lot of money. A lot of money.

JILL

We had given up until I saw your ad on TV.

DR. MILLMER

Good. Then you know I mean business. Now, I can run you and Jill through the usual routines. Fertility drugs, Viagra, ovulation monitoring. We can even do the embryos and the turkey basters. Those are all very expensive methods and, as you already know, unlikely to work in your situation. Even if it did, do you want to tell your son his dad was a turkey baster? Sure would put a damper on Thanksgiving.

JASON

Exactly how do you help us have a baby, then?

DR. MILLMER

Jill, let me ask you this. Do you want your baby to be conceived in a laboratory by people wearing hairnets and rubber gloves? Or do you want to kick start that fertilized egg with unbridled skull-melting s-e-x?

JILL

All this time we’ve been dealing with thermometers and ovulation when we should have just been going for it?

DR. MILLMER

Well, yes and no. You see, Jill, your vagina is like a vast, open fertile field. Rich top soil aching for seeds to take root. For that to happen, you need an irrigation system that can get the job done. Jason, you’re the irrigation system. And you’re watering her field with an eye-dropper. You, Jill, should be writhing on your back in ecstasy while your fallopian tubes are drenched with man juice like water from a fire hose. You, Jason, should probably not even be in the same room. Remember -? (He counts on one hand)

JASON

And who should be in the same room with my wife, Dr. Millmer?

DR. MILLMER

Well-

JILL

You’re going to help us have a baby by sleeping with me?

DR. MILLMER

Purely professional. Although, I could certainly get lost in those brown eyes of yours.

(She blushes.)

JASON

This is ridiculous.

DR. MILLMER

Scoff all you want. I have a proven track record. If the thought of actual intercourse makes you uncomfortable-

JILL

I’m fine.

JASON

I’m not.

DR. MILLMER

There doesn’t even have to be direct contact. Instead of sleeping with you, I sleep near you and just point in your direction and – Ka-pow! These boys can swim, even across dry land! They’re like marines and ninjas and Zulu warriors all rolled into one. I’ll check with the nurse and see if she can schedule us a session in the Baby-Making Room. (He reaches for the phone).

JILL

You have a whole room devoted to making babies?

DR. MILLMER

Loaded with state of the art stuff, too. Whatever you’re into. Personal massagers, handcuffs, Doritos. I’m a feather man, myself. And there’s a two-way mirror, Jason, so you can bear witness to the miracle of conception.

JASON

I thought the whole point is that you use my sperm.

JILL

Don’t be selfish, Honey.

DR. MILLMER

Your sperm, Jason? (He hangs up the phone.) Do you want a healthy baby or some drooling mongoloid flipper-handed circus freak? Should any of your coughing and wheezing soldiers should ever make purchase in her loins, men your age are more likely to have babies with birth defects or down syndrome. I have you outgunned, Jason, and outmanned. My testicles are huge. Here’s a picture (He hands Jill a snapshot. She’s very impressed. Jason intercepts it and hands it back, after taking a peek.). The grapefruit’s for scale.

JASON

Let’s go, Jill. I’m not going to hire another man to sleep with my wife.

DR. MILLMER

Wait. Look. I’m sorry. Maybe I was a little too strong in making my point. You seem like a really nice couple. I want to help. You could adopt, but the only real winner there is the baby. Usually some foreign baby that doesn’t even speak English. And doesn’t resemble either of you. At least, with my method, as vulgar as it may seem to you, your baby boy will have his mother’s features and my brain, and by that I mean, large testicles.

JILL

You really think it would be a boy?

DR. MILLMER

It almost always is. I have testosterone running down my leg. Really. Feel here. See how damp-

JASON

No, honey. Not like this. Well find another way. Let’s go sign-up for those tantra classes.

(Jason exits, Jill walks out backwards miming “call me” to the doctor. Jason comes back and pulls her out of the room.)

DR. MILLMER (to his penis)

Boys! Rally the troops! We move out at dawn!

(Blackout)

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A man in Oregon had his vanity plates rejected because the state considered his last name offensive. His last name is what?"

66% were quite certain it was "Suckett"
- No. Nor was the fellow from Nantucket.

9% ventured "McCracken"
- Nope. Phil McCracken's name is safe on behalf of all the McCrackens around the world.

There was no loving for "Pimp"
- Sounded like a good christian last name to me.

25% scored the offensive word "Udink"

"Udink?" Offensive? According to the Associated Press, the state of Oregon has ordered a family to turn in the vanity license plates on its cars because their Dutch last name, Udink, is similar to an offensive word. You might think the key word there is similar. That "dink" sounds similar to something else, link "bink," which is probably the least offensive word possible for, well, binking. But, no. Their problem is with the word "dink."

DMV spokesman David House said the word can be treated as a verb, which gives it a sexual reference. Well, really, Mr. House, you can say that about any word, can't you?

"Oh, man, I housed her hard!" "I really need to get housed." "Mmm, time for the little piggy to build his house!"

I want everyone to get janesed tonight. Wang chung janesed.

Loud Sunshine

Here's another short scene for the Writing Samples section. I wrote this one around the same time as "The Spy Who Dated Me." Again, I didn't like it after the first draft and didn't appreciate what I wrote until months later. I attribute this to having lofty goals while writing and judging the first rough draft too harshly. It's my foray into writing a surreal scene.


LOUD SUNSHINE
Written by Joe Janes
First draft

CAST:
Old Man
Young Man
Beautiful Woman
Swimmer

(Lights up on a lone man sitting on a chair center stage. He is an older man, slightly unkempt. He wears dark glasses. Sr there are two more chairs. Sl is a single chair. A very well dressed young man enters sr with a briefcase. Soft violin music begins to play offstage. He sits and sets the case next to him. He opens it. Inside the case, all there is standard fare for a sack lunch and a small thermos of milk. It is lunchtime. The young man opens a bag of chips. He then unwraps a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He opens the sandwich and carefully places chips on it. He smashes the sandwich and begins to nibble on it.)

OLD MAN

How many minutes in yellow?

OLD MAN (continuing)

How many minutes in yellow?

YOUNG MAN

I don’t understand what you’re asking.

OLD MAN

I was told the sun is yellow.

YOUNG MAN

I guess. You could say it’s orange, too.

OLD MAN

In that case, how many oranges does it take to make yellow?

YOUNG MAN

Well, if you’re talking abut the sun, the sun is huge. It would take at least 48 oranges.

OLD MAN

And how many carrots?

YOUNG MAN

Add five.

OLD MAN

I smelled green, today.

YOUNG MAN

What does green smell like?

OLD MAN

Like grass. I heard someone mowing a lawn and I smelled green.

YOUNG MAN

Green can also smell like limes.

OLD MAN

I can feel green, too.

The young man opens his thermos and pours small curd cottage cheese into the cup.

YOUNG MAN

Me, too.

A beautiful woman enters and sits down SL. She is dressed as though she’s about to go to a fancy charity ball. She wears an iPod. She begins to knit. Her yarn is blood red. Both the old man and the young man turn and look at her and then return to looking out.

OLD MAN

How long is black?

YOUNG MAN

Black as night? About ten hours.

OLD MAN

I mean height.

YOUNG MAN

Oh, very tall. About 5’ 8”.

The young man begins to eat a very large dill pickle. Unsliced.

A man dressed in 1920’s swimwear with a bathing cap, goggles and the number 44 painted on h is back enters and walks into the house. He slowly swims laps through the rows of the audience.

OLD MAN

What about the color purple?

YOUNG MAN

What about it?

OLD MAN

I have no idea what it is. Is it like jazz?

YOUNG MAN

No. It’s not that.

OLD MAN

Is it fuzzy?

YOUNG MAN

No, not that.

OLD MAN

Is it like dew on barefeet?

YOUNG MAN

Not that.

OLD MAN

Then what is it?

YOUNG MAN

I’m not sure what it is. Only what it isn’t. I’m quite certain it’s not wet fuzzy jazz on barefeet.

OLD MAN

What kind of sound does purple make?

The young man makes a bleating noise. The beautiful woman sets down her knitting. Takes off her iPod. Looks at the two men. They look at her. Disgusted, she leaves.

The young man has finished his lunch. He closes his briefcase and stands.

YOUNG MAN

It’s more golden than orange or yellow.

OLD MAN

What color is golden?

YOUNG MAN

Yellow.

He exits.

The Old Man rises. As he exits, he sneezes, blows his nose, looks at his handkerchief.

OLD MAN

Golden.

He exits.

The swimmer drowns.

Blackout.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A recent crime spree in South Africa is being blamed on a gang of what?"

10% said "Ex-policemen"
- Plying the tools of their trade, no doubt. Or just "no."

Nobody thought it was "Cult members" or "Soccer players"
- My fault. They are synonymous and cancel each other out.

90% got it right with "Hungry baboons"

According to Sky News, chacma baboons, which live wild in the Cape peninsula, have been raiding people's homes for food and causing thousands of pounds in damage. According to one resident "They get into the kitchens, they know where the fridge is, they open it and take everything, and then they defecate everywhere." Still sounds like soccer players to me.

The Spy Who Dated Me

I'm still working on a heavy deadline with a corporate writing gig, so I decided to take the opportunity to beef up the "writing samples" section of BS.

Here is a scene I wrote earlier this year while developing material for a Teatro Bastardo show. I didn't like it and never showed it to anyone until a few months ago. It's one of those cases where the writer truly is the worst judge of his or her own material. It's also a lesson in giving yourself enough time to let something "cool off" so you can go back and look at it with fresh eyes. Although, I don't think that cool off period needs to be six months! When writing the first draft, I set my expectations too high. I wanted to write something gut-bustingly funny, dark and edgy. This ain't that, so I was disappointed. Now, I really like it. It's a lot of fun. I hope you enjoy it.

THE SPY WHO DATED ME
By Joe Janes
First draft

Michael– mid-40’s - M
Tracy – mid 40’s – F
Ludwig – mid-40’s

(Lights up on Michael and Tracy at a café.)

TRACY

Well, this is nice. It’s refreshing to meet someone who actually looks like their photograph.

MICHAEL

Isn’t that the truth? I met someone last week who said she looks ten years younger than she is - probably because the pictures on her profile are from ten years ago.

TRACY

I think the most important quality in a relationship is honesty. And if you don’t have that at the start…

MICHAEL

Then you’re never going to have it.

TRACY

Well, once you catch someone in a lie, you’re always going to wonder if that person is telling the truth.

MICHAEL

I couldn’t agree with you more. Let’s make a deal. Tonight, we tell the absolute truth. No matter what. I can’t think of a better way to get to know someone.

TRACY

I accept. To honesty. (She raises her wine glass and they toast.)

MICHAEL

What do you do for a living?

TRACY

Oh, boring old job. I work at the Chicago Board of Trade as an administrator. I run an office. No big deal. What about you?

MICHAEL

I’m a secret agent.

TRACY

You sell real estate?

MICHAEL

No. Secret agent. As in, I work for the government.

TRACY

If you’re a secret agent, then why are you telling me? Doesn’t make it much of a secret.

MICHAEL

Well, I wanted to be honest with you. Look, Tracy, I know we just met, but I find you attractive, I think there’s some potential here, I don’t want to blow it by lying to you.

TRACY

I see. Well, thank you for your honesty. Do you like your job?

MICHAEL

Very much so. I get to kill people.

TRACY

You get to kill people?

MICHAEL

Bad people, mostly. You know, evil villains. It’s very gratifying.

TRACY

What, you mean, like, you have a license to kill?

MICHAEL

Want to see it? (He takes his license out of his wallet and shows it to her.)

TRACY

Oh, my God…

MICHAEL

I know. Can you believe that mustache? What was I thinking? I made them take the picture twice. Is that vain, or what?

TRACY

I did the same thing with my passport. You’re stuck with it for ten years, you should be happy with it. How long are stuck with that ?

MICHAEL

They make us renew it every two years. Have to take an eye exam and everything.

TRACY

An eye exam?

MICHAEL

Well, you know. Don’t want us killing the wrong person.

TRACY

Are you allowed to be telling me all this stuff on a date?

MICHAEL

Well, to be honest, it is frowned upon by the agency. It can make me vulnerable.

TRACY

Vulnerable can be sexy.

MICHAEL

Tracy. I’m 44. My whole adult life has been nothing but a string of affairs with super models and the kept mistresses of evil-doers. It’s time for me to have something, someone, more substantial in my life.

TRACY

How many people have you slept with?

MICHAEL

Oh, I don’t know. Probably 100. 200. It’s on file. How about you?

TRACY

Much less than that.

MICHAEL

I know it seems like a lot. Most were in the line of duty. The men, any way. And that bird.

(Ludwig, an older waiter with a scar and ill-fitting clothes enters and serves them coffee. He speaks with a heavy foreign accent.)

LUDWIG

Here’s is your coffee.

MICHAEL

We didn’t order any coffee.

LUDWIG

Compliments of the house to the young lovers.

TRACY

That’s sweet.

MICHAEL

Thank you very much…

LUDWIG

Steve.

MICHAEL

Steve, Do you have any soy milk? I’m lactose intolerant. There – I’ve never told anyone that on a first date. This is so liberating.

LUDWIG

I’ll be right back. (He exits.)

TRACY

So, you don’t do dairy.

MICHAEL

I don’t do death. Or dairy. Don’t drink it, Tracy. I think it’s poisoned. Smells like arsenic.

TRACY

I think that’s the chicory.

(Ludwig returns with soy milk.)

LUDWIG

Here’s your soy milk, sir.

MICHAEL

We’ll just take the check.

(Michael does some judo-y stuff on Ludwig, ultimately snapping his neck.)

TRACY

It’s okay, everybody. He has a license for this sort of thing.

MICHAEL

I’m sorry our date was interrupted.

TRACY

Do you go through this kind of thing everyday?

MICHAEL

Most everyday. I have Mondays off. When can I see you, again, Tracy?

TRACY

Not when. Where?

MICHAEL

Okay. Where can I see you, again.

(Tracy takes a knife off the table and throws it at Michael’s chest. It hits him and he goes down.)

TRACY(with a heavy non-descript European accent)

In hell, Michael. In hell.

(She laughs maniacally as Bond-type music comes up. She stops laughing. Exits. Comes back. Puts a few dollars on the table and exits, again. Lights fade.)



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Saturday, I asked...

"To protest the food being served to him, a prisoner in New Hampshire sent a federal judge what?"

68% answered "A stool sample"
- Nope. Nothing from the wood shop. Wait, what kind of stool did you think I meant?

16% picked "A tooth"
- And then the federal judge put a quarter under the prisoner's pillow while he slept...um, no.

16% thought "A bent spoon"
- Which he bent with his mind!!! Mwahaaaaaaa!...Nope.

Nobody picked the right answer this time, "A hard-boiled egg"


According to the Associated Press, a federal judge was driven to rhyme after receiving a hard-boiled egg in the mail from a prison inmate protesting his diet. Wolff, 61, says he is an Orthodox Jew and has accused prison officials of refusing to feed him a kosher diet. Wolff also says he cannot tolerate hard-boiled eggs and is suing the state Department of Corrections for $10 million. Wolff is serving 10 to 20 years for sexually assaulting a 7-year-old girl. I think they should Cool Hand Luke him.