It All Makes Sense, Now

Child Health Veto Will Be Election Issue

DAVID ESPO | October 3, 2007 11:04 PM EST |

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WASHINGTON — President Bush cast a quiet veto Wednesday against an...expansion of children's health insurance. Bush vetoed the bill in private, absent the television cameras and other media coverage that normally attend even routine presidential actions. The measure called for adding an estimated 4 million mostly lower-income children to a program that currently covers 6.6 million.

You can read the full article by clicking HERE.

Of course, all the bleeding heart democrats are all up in arms about this.

People - we aren't looking at the big picture here.

It's all about saving the polar bears.

All the iceberg-hugging lefty liberals have had their hemp panties in a bunch for years over the polar bears' territory in the Arctic shrinking making food sources scarce. The polar bears are close to becoming endangered.

George W. Bush has a plan, America. Take all the sick children, all the feeble old people, all the infirm war vets and put them on an ice floe. The ice will melt, a little more rapidly than days of yore thanks to George's hefty build-up of greenhouse gasses, and all the polar bears get a free buffet filled with meatsicles.

Here's a picture of little Melissa, whose parents are too lazy to have insurance, getting ready to feed the polar bears. (Photo by Eddie Lawrence)





SOIREE DADA - THE LAST TWO WEEKS!

The Chicago Tribune reviewed us and dug the show. I like this quote...

A cross between the Mad Hatter's tea party and a performance art festival performed by feral children, the ensemble of white-faced tricksters slips the occasional shiv of social commentary in between the ribs of the audience.

Thursday through Friday at 7:30pm. Sunday at 3pm. Get more details by clicking HERE. $5.00 off this weekend at the box office to anyone who says: "Mayor Armitage Shanks has the World's Longest Nosehair."


ROBOWRITERS TONIGHT!

Bring out your sketches! Get them read! Get quality feedback! Eat a delightful snack. Uptown Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway, 6:30pm. A writing workshop for only $5!


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A controversial Alabama judge resigned Monday after allegations surfaced that he removed inmates from jail and did what?"

72% said "Made them work around his house"
- No. How degrading. He has illegal immigrants for that sort of stuff.

10% picked "Baptized them"
- Nope. Although I'm sure the thought of holding their heads under water occurred to him.

9% also said "Took them to lunch"
- Now, wouldn't that be nice? Discuss rehabilitation over iced tea and Cobb salad? No.

Only 9% got the right answer "Spanked them"

According to WKRG news, resigning Judge Herman Thomas was charged with violating Alabama's canons of conduct for judges. The claims include removing inmates from Metro Jail and paddling them in a closet-type area near his courtroom. Judge Thomas was reportedly overheard in the closet saying "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. Or the people you mugged." No word on if he made the inmates get a switch from the yard first.

Moving Sucks

Okay. All moved.

In my post-Port Clinton, Ohio adult life, I have moved approximately 20 times in 30 years. Most of the time, I was on a two-year migratory pattern. There have been a few times where I moved after only one year in a place. This is one of them. The whole time, the brain plays over-and-over like a harping calliope, "I just friggin' did this!"

I don't like moving. I like having moved. Because I don't like it, I try to be overly prepared. The only problem with that is the rest of your life doesn't stop so you can move. So, on top of teaching and rehearsing and writing and performing, I had to squeeze in moving.

And here's what really sucked about this move.

Last year was the first year I used movers and I loved it. It was cheaper than I thought it would be ($300, plus tip) and the guys were great. They gave us a two-hour window of when they would arrive. They were half an hour early, loaded the truck in a flash, and we were done well within their three-hour minimum time period. This year, we used the same company and it sucked. They gave us a two-hour window on Monday between noon and 2pm, which means we busted our asses and were good to go by 11:30am, just in case they showed up early, again. They showed up at 2:15pm. Did I mention the name of the company is On Time Moving and Storage? My girlfriend and I spent over two hours in "ready mode" after already being exhausted. Nothing like losing momentum when you are tired. And these three guys were slow and sloppy. It took an hour and a half to load the truck!

When we finally got to the new place, still under the three-hour minimum, they estimated they might go over two hours because our new apartment is up three flights. My girlfriend and I started pitching in to keep them to just one hour over the minimum, totally defeating the purpose of hiring them in the first place.

All moved in, we were exhausted. I focused my attention on putting the bed together while Julie focused on the kitchen. I think we went to bed at 9pm. We moved to this apartment because it is bigger and cheaper than our old one and the neighborhood is quieter. We were awakened at 7am by the streets and sanitation crew firing up chainsaws and a wood chipper trimming trees in front of our building. Which they proceeded to do for an hour. I wanted to swan dive from our third floor apartment into the wood chipper.

It's ridiculous that renters spend about ten minutes looking at a space before deciding to move all their worldly possessions into it and trying to make it a home. It's like speed dating for marriage. The apartment itself, while being more spacious, has its problems. The floor in my office is angled. I am typing uphill. My office chair keeps rolling. The kitchen smells a little like cat pee. The wooden floors are creaky as hell. I feel sorry for my downstairs neighbor. All the outlets and light switches have that lazy Chicago landlord multiple coats of off-white paint slathered on them. The laundry room is a dimly lit serial killer yellow. And the place is still half filled with boxes. And I have to rummage through them to find clothes to wear. I'm dumpster diving in my own home.

But I do like the neighborhood. The bus stop I will be frequenting is right next to a very nice Dunkin Donuts. Yes - I have been to enough Dunkin Donuts to be able to qualify them on ambiance. Were five minutes away from some great shopping places. And last night we ordered take out from a nearby Thai restaurant that was awesome. Our last apartment had a messed up intercom system, so we never ordered out. It was great. We ordered food. A guy brought it to us in a plastic bag with a smiley face on it. We watched TV. Life is good.

Now, if I can just find the can opener to give the cats canned food and find my cellphone charger before the battery runs out.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Saturday, I asked...

"According to a recent study, men are more likely to get a divorce if they have what?"

39% answered "unlimited wealth"
- I think that's only true if you are also a republican presidential candidate... so, no.

23% picked "a mistress"
- Only if they are caught. Nope.

23% thought maybe "facial hair"
- Hey, this soul patch is a symbol of my independence! ...No.

15% diagnosed the right answer "testicular cancer"

According to The Huffington Post, in research presented at a meeting of the European Cancer Organization, Norwegian experts found cancer patients with testicular cancer were more likely to get a divorce. The researchers didn't have any information on why the couples divorced. My theory is that the guy is overcompensating from losing a nut by growing balls in his personal life. Just a theory.

I'm Having a Movement

Bite and Smile will return on Wednesday. I am in the process of moving my self and my possessions - along with two cats and a beautiful girlfriend (who has done more than her share of the work and I am now her indentured slave as a result) - from Edgewater to Logan Square here in Chicago. So, time to pack up the ol' iMac.

Please visit some of my other friends while I'm away. Just don't be a blog slut about it. I expect you here when I get back!

The Graffiti Table
Angry White Guy
Clever Title
I'm So Tired

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

The Mighty Heroes (1966)



Here's an unusual cartoon that I barely remember. It ran for one year as a part of a Mighty Mouse series. It was created by a young Ralph Bakshi (later of Wizards and Fritz the Cat fame and mentor to John Kricfalusi of Ren and Stimpy). I remembered the heroes, particularly Rope Man and Coo-Coo Man, but I couldn't recall anything else about them, including the title! I actually stumbled across them while looking for a different cartoon.

The damned thing about this cartoon is that it looks great. The characters, including the villains, were all very clever and original. It's just very poorly written. All the stories follow virtually the same story structure - City in trouble, Mighty Heroes called to help, Mighty Heroes ineptly battle the bad guy until they somehow turn it around, bad guy gets caught. They never spend any time developing the characters or their relationships. We never learn about their origins or why they are even together. All the heroes seem to be of an even peer status and don't seem to have any feelings either way about each other. And even though they all have a unique ability, they don't seem to have a unique perspective.

The dialogue is atrocious, mostly made up of "To the rescue!" "Up, up and away!" "I'll get him!" "Take that!" etc.

So, why include it? Well, like I said, it looks great And if you are at all a Ralph Bakshi or John K. fan, it's interesting.





THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A man in Morrisville, North Carolina was charged with assaulting a government official when he did what?"

12% thought "Gave a dirty look to a cop"
- That's right. He punched the cop with his eyes. Um, no.

12% picked "Flashed a cop"
- Boy, if you could sue someone for assaulting their eyes, none of us would get any work done. So, no.

1% chose "Hit a cop with his car"
- The darn thing was, he hid the car in his shoe. No.

75% hacked up the right answer "Coughed on a cop"

According to The News & Observer, when Morrisville police officer Chris Gill handed him a ticket, Kent Kauffman coughed. Next thing Kauffman knew, Gill was charging him with assault on a government official. A Wake County judge will decide the intent behind Kauffman's cough, because he doesn't have anything better to do with his time, apparently.

And Now...The Rest of the Story

ROBOWRITER'S ASSIGNMENT

Assistant Director’s Cut: Fake Deleted Scenes and Alternate Endings

Courtesy of Mr. Chris Othic.

This assignment is one of my favorites. I like it so much that at one time myself and a group of writers did an entire show based on this premise.

The basic idea is that you are writing fake deleted scenes and alternate endings for your favorite movies. When you are choosing a movie to write a scene for, you should know the movie fairly well and it’s best if the Average Joe probably knows a little bit about it also. This means you will probably be writing fake scenes for movies like Star Wars, The Matrix, The Sixth Sense, Brokeback Mountain, and similar movies. You can probably get away with writing about a movie that is a little more obscure, but it should at least have an element to it that most people know about.

First you want to generate a list of movies that you are familiar with. You can do this from your own personal choices, or look up lists of top movies at sites like IMDB or Blockbuster.com. Then you can go down the list and start generating ideas. You can either do fake deleted scenes or alternate endings.

For instance, in the show we did we had a deleted scene from Star Wars, which was the surprise party for Darth Vader thrown by his staff to celebrate the completion of the Death Star. Vader got some gag gifts, and we made fun of his funny breathing. We also had a scene from The Exorcist that was the “lost” slumber party scene where a possessed Regan invites her girlfriends to sleep over. You can imagine how that went with some vomiting and head spinning. When you are doing a deleted scene it’s really a parody of the tenants of the film (vomiting, head spinning) and also add some comic elements. The Exorcist slumber party was also a clash of context as in incorporated typical slumber party behavior with horror movies.

Alternate endings are a little different in that you are obviously taking the ending and giving it a comic twist. For example, we had an alternate ending for the movie Seven in which Brad Pitt’s character opens the box that contains Gwyneth Paltrow’s head, only in our version the box had anything but her head in it because apparently John Doe kept getting his seven deadly sins confused.

One last note: it is probably easier to make fun of any genre except comedies. You may be able to pull it off, but most comedies are already funny, and when you try to make fun of them it doesn’t always work. The other genres tend to work much better.

THE BS NEWS OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The Guolizhuang restaurant in Bejing claims to feature China's only what?"

34% answered "Pancreas Pancakes"
- Nope. It was only added because it sounded better than "Pancreas Platter," which they don't have either.

10% picked "Poop- Poop Platter"
- Even though it's what we all think of when we order the Pu-Pu Platter anyway, the answer is "no."

10% thought "Palate Platter"
- No. Probably the boringest answer, but really gross when you think about it. Ew, you're eating a mouth!

46% ordered correctly with Penis Platter

According to The Telegraph, situated in an elegantly restored house beside Beijing's West Lake, Guolizhuang is China's first speciality penis restaurant. Businessmen and government officials can sample the organs of yaks, donkeys, oxen and even seals. In fact, they have to, since they form part of every dish - except for those containing testicles. Choke on that!

Dog penis with plum, anyone?

No Childrens Left Behind

Why He Embarrasses Me

"As yesterday's positive report card shows," Bush said, "childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured."

That, and because he's spending a billion dollars a day swapping blood for oil and claims he's fiscally responsible with our tax dollars.

Say what you will about Bubba, I think he and Gore put this country on track. They weren't perfect, but there was a positive, forward momentum. I don't consider myself a full-blooded democrat. In my first presidential election, I voted independent. But when Clinton was elected after eight years of Reagan and four years of George H, I felt, literally felt, a weight lift off my shoulders. It was exiting and a time of growth. Now, every day, when I read the news, I am just bewildered. How can this be happening and why are those with heart and a true moral compass so impotent to stop the madness?

I don't know. I do believe it will change with the next election, but I'm impatient and I want change now. I want justice now.



SOIREE DADA

We are at our halfway point as we enter into our fourth week of Soiree Dada: Blinde Esel Hopse. Reviews have been favorable and audiences have been great. If you want to get into the show for five dollars less than "normal" people, say "Medulla Oblongata" really slowly at the box office.

Me-e-e-e-dew-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-la-a-a-a-a-a-a-a

Ob-long-gah-ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-tah!



ROBOWRITERS

Is tonight! Uptown Writer's Space at 6:30pm. Bring any ol' sketch you want to get feedback on, hang out with other writers and read scenes out loud and giggle, get ideas for your next scene, eat cookies.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A man at the Oklahoma State Fair prevented a horse stampede by doing what?"

34% said "Giving them cotton candy"
- Sure. Calm them down with sugar. Works for children, too. Not!

16% thought "Singing songs from 'Oklahoma!'"
- No, but the western ballet dream sequence almost put them to sleep.

8% picked "Tasering them"
- Isn't that the answer to everything, bro?

42% got it right with "Biting one of the horses in the ear"

According to the Associated Press, the coach of Oklahoma City's minor-league hockey team helped prevent a possible stampede of Belgian horses at the Oklahoma State Fair by biting one of the animals on its ear. "That's how you stymie a horse," he said. "You bite as hard as you can, and it won't move." This also explains the Mike Tyson-like ear chomps his hockey team's opponents seem to mysteriously suffer.

Misconception

This is a scene that I wrote late last year for Teatro Bastardo's show at Sketchfest in the early part of this year. It was originally seven pages of what I thought was comedy gold. The other members of Teatro thought maybe there was only five pages worth of comedic precious metal. And they were right. It's good to work with people who will tell you exactly what you need to hear to improve your scene. It was the first "conventional" scene I had written in a long time. By conventional, I mean that it is a pretty straightforward three-person scene that takes place in a doctor's office. I tell my students that what they write about is arbitrary. What makes the a scene unique is their own voice as a writer. I have seen what seems like hundreds of scenes that take place in doctor's offices, so this was my challenge to myself to come up with one of my own.

This scene was also in our run of the show Life...is a Joke at the Skybox a few months later.


MISCONCEPTION
Written by Joe Janes
Final Draft

CAST:
DR. MILLMER
JASON
JILL

(Lights up on Jason and Jill. Jason is in his 40s, Jill is in her 30s. They sit in a doctor’s office.)

JASON

I feel good about this.

JILL

Me, too, honey.

JASON

If everything works out, we might just have a little visitor by Christmas, and it won’t be Santa.

(They laugh. Dr. Millmer enters with a clipboard.)

DR. MILLMER

All right, then, Jason and Jill Methusiak. I have your test results here.

JASON

Every fertility doctor we’ve seen has run tests, Dr. Millmer. I don’t think you’re going to tell us anything new.

DR. MILLMER

Perhaps not. Just a formality. Jill, you’re plumbing is in tip-top shape. Pristine, in fact. The uterus is slightly tilted, but that just makes things a little interesting, right, Jason? And Jason, your sperm count is amazingly low.

JASON

We already knew it was low-

DR. MILLMER

Amazingly low. I could count your sperm with one hand (mimes the action). You’re a late bloomer, aren’t ya’?

JASON

I waited until my 40s to get married, if that’s what you mean.

DR. MILLMER

Fortunately, you married someone fifteen years your junior. Jill’s youth gives us a fighting chance here. If you had appropriately married someone close to your age, forget it. You’d be planting your dried up cornhusk in a dust bowl.

JILL

Dr. Millmer. We’ve been to five other doctors without any success.

JASON

We’ve been trying for years to get pregnant. Spent a lot of money. A lot of money.

JILL

We had given up until I saw your ad on TV.

DR. MILLMER

Good. Then you know I mean business. Now, I can run you and Jill through the usual routines. Fertility drugs, Viagra, ovulation monitoring. We can even do the embryos and the turkey basters. Those are all very expensive methods and, as you already know, unlikely to work in your situation. Even if it did, do you want to tell your son his dad was a turkey baster? Sure would put a damper on Thanksgiving.

JASON

Exactly how do you help us have a baby, then?

DR. MILLMER

Jill, let me ask you this. Do you want your baby to be conceived in a laboratory by people wearing hairnets and rubber gloves? Or do you want to kick start that fertilized egg with unbridled skull-melting s-e-x?

JILL

All this time we’ve been dealing with thermometers and ovulation when we should have just been going for it?

DR. MILLMER

Well, yes and no. You see, Jill, your vagina is like a vast, open fertile field. Rich top soil aching for seeds to take root. For that to happen, you need an irrigation system that can get the job done. Jason, you’re the irrigation system. And you’re watering her field with an eye-dropper. You, Jill, should be writhing on your back in ecstasy while your fallopian tubes are drenched with man juice like water from a fire hose. You, Jason, should probably not even be in the same room. Remember -? (He counts on one hand)

JASON

And who should be in the same room with my wife, Dr. Millmer?

DR. MILLMER

Well-

JILL

You’re going to help us have a baby by sleeping with me?

DR. MILLMER

Purely professional. Although, I could certainly get lost in those brown eyes of yours.

(She blushes.)

JASON

This is ridiculous.

DR. MILLMER

Scoff all you want. I have a proven track record. If the thought of actual intercourse makes you uncomfortable-

JILL

I’m fine.

JASON

I’m not.

DR. MILLMER

There doesn’t even have to be direct contact. Instead of sleeping with you, I sleep near you and just point in your direction and – Ka-pow! These boys can swim, even across dry land! They’re like marines and ninjas and Zulu warriors all rolled into one. I’ll check with the nurse and see if she can schedule us a session in the Baby-Making Room. (He reaches for the phone).

JILL

You have a whole room devoted to making babies?

DR. MILLMER

Loaded with state of the art stuff, too. Whatever you’re into. Personal massagers, handcuffs, Doritos. I’m a feather man, myself. And there’s a two-way mirror, Jason, so you can bear witness to the miracle of conception.

JASON

I thought the whole point is that you use my sperm.

JILL

Don’t be selfish, Honey.

DR. MILLMER

Your sperm, Jason? (He hangs up the phone.) Do you want a healthy baby or some drooling mongoloid flipper-handed circus freak? Should any of your coughing and wheezing soldiers should ever make purchase in her loins, men your age are more likely to have babies with birth defects or down syndrome. I have you outgunned, Jason, and outmanned. My testicles are huge. Here’s a picture (He hands Jill a snapshot. She’s very impressed. Jason intercepts it and hands it back, after taking a peek.). The grapefruit’s for scale.

JASON

Let’s go, Jill. I’m not going to hire another man to sleep with my wife.

DR. MILLMER

Wait. Look. I’m sorry. Maybe I was a little too strong in making my point. You seem like a really nice couple. I want to help. You could adopt, but the only real winner there is the baby. Usually some foreign baby that doesn’t even speak English. And doesn’t resemble either of you. At least, with my method, as vulgar as it may seem to you, your baby boy will have his mother’s features and my brain, and by that I mean, large testicles.

JILL

You really think it would be a boy?

DR. MILLMER

It almost always is. I have testosterone running down my leg. Really. Feel here. See how damp-

JASON

No, honey. Not like this. Well find another way. Let’s go sign-up for those tantra classes.

(Jason exits, Jill walks out backwards miming “call me” to the doctor. Jason comes back and pulls her out of the room.)

DR. MILLMER (to his penis)

Boys! Rally the troops! We move out at dawn!

(Blackout)

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A man in Oregon had his vanity plates rejected because the state considered his last name offensive. His last name is what?"

66% were quite certain it was "Suckett"
- No. Nor was the fellow from Nantucket.

9% ventured "McCracken"
- Nope. Phil McCracken's name is safe on behalf of all the McCrackens around the world.

There was no loving for "Pimp"
- Sounded like a good christian last name to me.

25% scored the offensive word "Udink"

"Udink?" Offensive? According to the Associated Press, the state of Oregon has ordered a family to turn in the vanity license plates on its cars because their Dutch last name, Udink, is similar to an offensive word. You might think the key word there is similar. That "dink" sounds similar to something else, link "bink," which is probably the least offensive word possible for, well, binking. But, no. Their problem is with the word "dink."

DMV spokesman David House said the word can be treated as a verb, which gives it a sexual reference. Well, really, Mr. House, you can say that about any word, can't you?

"Oh, man, I housed her hard!" "I really need to get housed." "Mmm, time for the little piggy to build his house!"

I want everyone to get janesed tonight. Wang chung janesed.