satire, social commentary, sketch comedy, writing, stuff
Monday, October 8, 2007
Blerp!
The corporate gig I have been working on has called me out to the site a day early to do last minute script fixes. Apparently, they gave us the wrong information a month ago on which we based a third of the script. Yippee! This means "Bite and Smile" may not have another update until Wednesday. Just so you know.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Saturday Morning Cartoons!
"What's Opera, Doc?" (1957)
Quite simply, the best Bugs Bunny cartoon ever. Grab your spear and magic helmet and enjoy.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
50% said "They found a finger tip"
- Nope. No tips. Just lawsuits.
30% picked "They were sat too close to the smoking section"
- Nope. You are in the wrong answer section.
10% surmised "They were traumatized by the server"
- No. If you did that, you'd have to allow servers to sue customers who traumatized them. The courts would be so clogged R. Kelly would never see justice.
10% nailed it with "They ate glass"
According to the Associated Press, Ronald Evano was sentenced to more than five years in prison for his role in a multistate insurance fraud scheme in which he and his wife intentionally ate glass fragments and collected more than $200,000 in compensation. Evano asked the judge for mercy, saying in court that he and his wife are members of the minority Roma community, and needed the money to pay for dowries and other costs associated with the marriages of his sons under cultural practices. You know, let your sons eat their own damn glass. How else are they going to learn to make it in this world?
Quite simply, the best Bugs Bunny cartoon ever. Grab your spear and magic helmet and enjoy.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"A man in Boston was sentenced for a fraud scheme where he and his wife would go to restaurants and claim what?"
50% said "They found a finger tip"
- Nope. No tips. Just lawsuits.
30% picked "They were sat too close to the smoking section"
- Nope. You are in the wrong answer section.
10% surmised "They were traumatized by the server"
- No. If you did that, you'd have to allow servers to sue customers who traumatized them. The courts would be so clogged R. Kelly would never see justice.
10% nailed it with "They ate glass"
According to the Associated Press, Ronald Evano was sentenced to more than five years in prison for his role in a multistate insurance fraud scheme in which he and his wife intentionally ate glass fragments and collected more than $200,000 in compensation. Evano asked the judge for mercy, saying in court that he and his wife are members of the minority Roma community, and needed the money to pay for dowries and other costs associated with the marriages of his sons under cultural practices. You know, let your sons eat their own damn glass. How else are they going to learn to make it in this world?
Friday, October 5, 2007
My Baby, She Wrote Me an E-Mail
ROBOWRITERS ASSIGNMENT
Courtesy of Mr. Chris Othic
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
20% selected "Former President Jimmy Carter"
- No. He only offends people who support genocide.
20% also thought "Talk show host Bill O'Reilly"
- No. I think they were just making a safe bet. I'm sure he'll get around to offending Filipinos.
Nobody picked "Vice-President Dick Cheney"
- He wouldn't offend anyone. He'd torture and kill them in an undisclosed location first.
60% got it right with "Housewife Susan Mayer"
According to the AFP, an episode of Desperate Housewives showed actress Teri Hatcher, who plays Susan Mayer, asking during a medical consultation to check "those diplomas because I want to make sure that they're not from some med school in the Philippines." The producers of the television series have apologised and Philippine Senators said it was not enough. They have urged their Foreign Affairs Department to lodge a formal protest with the US government. "I am mortally offended by the statement...," said Senator Miriam Santiago, whose sister is a doctor working in Los Angeles. Anyone who is a patient of Dr. Santiago need not worry. She got her degree in Haiti.
Courtesy of Mr. Chris Othic
STEALING FROM YOUR INBOX
Good writers can take things from real life and turn them into comic gold. You can do the same thing from other places. Here’s one of them.
If you are like me, you have a ton of e-mails in your inbox, sent mail, etc. In this exercise, you can use them to steal scene ideas from various e-mails you have sent and received. I just randomly picked 4 e-mails in less than two minutes, and each one has given me an idea or two for a scene.
I have just pasted the e-mails below and under each one I have written a quick note that might be a hook for a sketch:
1) Wow! You are busy! But it sounds like fun busy. I’ve been doing a lot of Red Cross Blood Drives (volunteer work) which I love. I've met some great people. I am having 3 of the women I've met over for lunch next week. This past Sunday I went on a bus trip down to the Cape with one of the women. We went down for The Annual Scallop Fest (I had chicken) which also included a 90 minute boat cruise around one of the canals which was fun. It was a beautiful warm sunny day.
IDEAS: We have a couple potential settings—the Scallop Fest or a boat cruise. I’m thinking two Red Cross Blood Drive workers on their day off at the Scallop Fest. One is a little loony, she had chicken at the scallop fest for crying out loud. Let a detail like be your springboard to heighten the scene.
2) I'm good friends with Spielberg. I'm the one who came up with the shark angle on Jaws. He originally had a sheriff who was scared of the water. I was like, "dude put a big fucking shark in there."
IDEAS: A friend of mine sent me this when we were joking back and forth. It’s a great premise for a scene. Spielberg is blocked and he has a writer helping him develop Jaws. You could also transform this into other movies that Spielberg has done. “Originally, it was a boy and his dog and I was like, dude, make it a fucking alien.” You get the idea.
3) You are invited to attend an anniversary celebration for George M. and Dave J. on Tuesday, June 27, at 3:00 p.m. in the Living Room area on the 37th Floor. George is celebrating his 40th anniversary with the firm this month, and Dave is celebrating 30 years with the firm.
IDEAS: This was a work related e-mail. Who wouldn’t want to see how George and Dave feel about sharing a reception. Instead of anniversary, maybe it’s something bigger, like employee of the year and employee of the month. And of course, George and Dave hate each other. (Joe's note: I think there's also potential in George feeling very bitter about it pissing away 40 years of his life while Dave, who wasn't bitter before, now questions the 30 years he's already invested. Is he going to be resentul ol' George in 10 years? Or vice-versa, where Dave is plotting his escape so he doesn't end up like George who didn't realize there was a problem with ending up like him.)
4) So you did meet some of my work people? Oh I didn't know who you guys met. I know you all met Joe (the one in the hat) and maybe Kiva--the only other girl there with us. So my boss bought everyone a drink??? Was it the short grayed hair guy or the little brown haired man? The wasted grayed hair man was my boss---the one with the credit card! ha!
IDEAS: This was an e-mail from a friend of mine. I love the vague details like “wasted grayed hair man or little brown haired man. I think I could just do a scene with this girl describing her co-workers. Or develop a scene based on these characters at a party. It’s just a jumping off point.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"Filipino senators are considering lodging a formal protest with the US government because they are 'mortally offended' by a statement uttered by whom?"
20% selected "Former President Jimmy Carter"
- No. He only offends people who support genocide.
20% also thought "Talk show host Bill O'Reilly"
- No. I think they were just making a safe bet. I'm sure he'll get around to offending Filipinos.
Nobody picked "Vice-President Dick Cheney"
- He wouldn't offend anyone. He'd torture and kill them in an undisclosed location first.
60% got it right with "Housewife Susan Mayer"
According to the AFP, an episode of Desperate Housewives showed actress Teri Hatcher, who plays Susan Mayer, asking during a medical consultation to check "those diplomas because I want to make sure that they're not from some med school in the Philippines." The producers of the television series have apologised and Philippine Senators said it was not enough. They have urged their Foreign Affairs Department to lodge a formal protest with the US government. "I am mortally offended by the statement...," said Senator Miriam Santiago, whose sister is a doctor working in Los Angeles. Anyone who is a patient of Dr. Santiago need not worry. She got her degree in Haiti.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
It All Makes Sense, Now
Child Health Veto Will Be Election Issue
WASHINGTON — President Bush cast a quiet veto Wednesday against an...expansion of children's health insurance. Bush vetoed the bill in private, absent the television cameras and other media coverage that normally attend even routine presidential actions. The measure called for adding an estimated 4 million mostly lower-income children to a program that currently covers 6.6 million.
You can read the full article by clicking HERE.
Of course, all the bleeding heart democrats are all up in arms about this.
People - we aren't looking at the big picture here.
It's all about saving the polar bears.
All the iceberg-hugging lefty liberals have had their hemp panties in a bunch for years over the polar bears' territory in the Arctic shrinking making food sources scarce. The polar bears are close to becoming endangered.
George W. Bush has a plan, America. Take all the sick children, all the feeble old people, all the infirm war vets and put them on an ice floe. The ice will melt, a little more rapidly than days of yore thanks to George's hefty build-up of greenhouse gasses, and all the polar bears get a free buffet filled with meatsicles.
Here's a picture of little Melissa, whose parents are too lazy to have insurance, getting ready to feed the polar bears. (Photo by Eddie Lawrence)
SOIREE DADA - THE LAST TWO WEEKS!
The Chicago Tribune reviewed us and dug the show. I like this quote...
A cross between the Mad Hatter's tea party and a performance art festival performed by feral children, the ensemble of white-faced tricksters slips the occasional shiv of social commentary in between the ribs of the audience.
Thursday through Friday at 7:30pm. Sunday at 3pm. Get more details by clicking HERE. $5.00 off this weekend at the box office to anyone who says: "Mayor Armitage Shanks has the World's Longest Nosehair."
ROBOWRITERS TONIGHT!
Bring out your sketches! Get them read! Get quality feedback! Eat a delightful snack. Uptown Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway, 6:30pm. A writing workshop for only $5!
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"A controversial Alabama judge resigned Monday after allegations surfaced that he removed inmates from jail and did what?"
72% said "Made them work around his house"- No. How degrading. He has illegal immigrants for that sort of stuff.
10% picked "Baptized them"
- Nope. Although I'm sure the thought of holding their heads under water occurred to him.
9% also said "Took them to lunch"
- Now, wouldn't that be nice? Discuss rehabilitation over iced tea and Cobb salad? No.
Only 9% got the right answer "Spanked them"
According to WKRG news, resigning Judge Herman Thomas was charged with violating Alabama's canons of conduct for judges. The claims include removing inmates from Metro Jail and paddling them in a closet-type area near his courtroom. Judge Thomas was reportedly overheard in the closet saying "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. Or the people you mugged." No word on if he made the inmates get a switch from the yard first.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Moving Sucks
Okay. All moved.
In my post-Port Clinton, Ohio adult life, I have moved approximately 20 times in 30 years. Most of the time, I was on a two-year migratory pattern. There have been a few times where I moved after only one year in a place. This is one of them. The whole time, the brain plays over-and-over like a harping calliope, "I just friggin' did this!"
I don't like moving. I like having moved. Because I don't like it, I try to be overly prepared. The only problem with that is the rest of your life doesn't stop so you can move. So, on top of teaching and rehearsing and writing and performing, I had to squeeze in moving.
And here's what really sucked about this move.
Last year was the first year I used movers and I loved it. It was cheaper than I thought it would be ($300, plus tip) and the guys were great. They gave us a two-hour window of when they would arrive. They were half an hour early, loaded the truck in a flash, and we were done well within their three-hour minimum time period. This year, we used the same company and it sucked. They gave us a two-hour window on Monday between noon and 2pm, which means we busted our asses and were good to go by 11:30am, just in case they showed up early, again. They showed up at 2:15pm. Did I mention the name of the company is On Time Moving and Storage? My girlfriend and I spent over two hours in "ready mode" after already being exhausted. Nothing like losing momentum when you are tired. And these three guys were slow and sloppy. It took an hour and a half to load the truck!
When we finally got to the new place, still under the three-hour minimum, they estimated they might go over two hours because our new apartment is up three flights. My girlfriend and I started pitching in to keep them to just one hour over the minimum, totally defeating the purpose of hiring them in the first place.
All moved in, we were exhausted. I focused my attention on putting the bed together while Julie focused on the kitchen. I think we went to bed at 9pm. We moved to this apartment because it is bigger and cheaper than our old one and the neighborhood is quieter. We were awakened at 7am by the streets and sanitation crew firing up chainsaws and a wood chipper trimming trees in front of our building. Which they proceeded to do for an hour. I wanted to swan dive from our third floor apartment into the wood chipper.
It's ridiculous that renters spend about ten minutes looking at a space before deciding to move all their worldly possessions into it and trying to make it a home. It's like speed dating for marriage. The apartment itself, while being more spacious, has its problems. The floor in my office is angled. I am typing uphill. My office chair keeps rolling. The kitchen smells a little like cat pee. The wooden floors are creaky as hell. I feel sorry for my downstairs neighbor. All the outlets and light switches have that lazy Chicago landlord multiple coats of off-white paint slathered on them. The laundry room is a dimly lit serial killer yellow. And the place is still half filled with boxes. And I have to rummage through them to find clothes to wear. I'm dumpster diving in my own home.
But I do like the neighborhood. The bus stop I will be frequenting is right next to a very nice Dunkin Donuts. Yes - I have been to enough Dunkin Donuts to be able to qualify them on ambiance. Were five minutes away from some great shopping places. And last night we ordered take out from a nearby Thai restaurant that was awesome. Our last apartment had a messed up intercom system, so we never ordered out. It was great. We ordered food. A guy brought it to us in a plastic bag with a smiley face on it. We watched TV. Life is good.
Now, if I can just find the can opener to give the cats canned food and find my cellphone charger before the battery runs out.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
On Saturday, I asked...
39% answered "unlimited wealth"
- I think that's only true if you are also a republican presidential candidate... so, no.
23% picked "a mistress"
- Only if they are caught. Nope.
23% thought maybe "facial hair"
- Hey, this soul patch is a symbol of my independence! ...No.
15% diagnosed the right answer "testicular cancer"
According to The Huffington Post, in research presented at a meeting of the European Cancer Organization, Norwegian experts found cancer patients with testicular cancer were more likely to get a divorce. The researchers didn't have any information on why the couples divorced. My theory is that the guy is overcompensating from losing a nut by growing balls in his personal life. Just a theory.
In my post-Port Clinton, Ohio adult life, I have moved approximately 20 times in 30 years. Most of the time, I was on a two-year migratory pattern. There have been a few times where I moved after only one year in a place. This is one of them. The whole time, the brain plays over-and-over like a harping calliope, "I just friggin' did this!"
I don't like moving. I like having moved. Because I don't like it, I try to be overly prepared. The only problem with that is the rest of your life doesn't stop so you can move. So, on top of teaching and rehearsing and writing and performing, I had to squeeze in moving.
And here's what really sucked about this move.
Last year was the first year I used movers and I loved it. It was cheaper than I thought it would be ($300, plus tip) and the guys were great. They gave us a two-hour window of when they would arrive. They were half an hour early, loaded the truck in a flash, and we were done well within their three-hour minimum time period. This year, we used the same company and it sucked. They gave us a two-hour window on Monday between noon and 2pm, which means we busted our asses and were good to go by 11:30am, just in case they showed up early, again. They showed up at 2:15pm. Did I mention the name of the company is On Time Moving and Storage? My girlfriend and I spent over two hours in "ready mode" after already being exhausted. Nothing like losing momentum when you are tired. And these three guys were slow and sloppy. It took an hour and a half to load the truck!
When we finally got to the new place, still under the three-hour minimum, they estimated they might go over two hours because our new apartment is up three flights. My girlfriend and I started pitching in to keep them to just one hour over the minimum, totally defeating the purpose of hiring them in the first place.
All moved in, we were exhausted. I focused my attention on putting the bed together while Julie focused on the kitchen. I think we went to bed at 9pm. We moved to this apartment because it is bigger and cheaper than our old one and the neighborhood is quieter. We were awakened at 7am by the streets and sanitation crew firing up chainsaws and a wood chipper trimming trees in front of our building. Which they proceeded to do for an hour. I wanted to swan dive from our third floor apartment into the wood chipper.
It's ridiculous that renters spend about ten minutes looking at a space before deciding to move all their worldly possessions into it and trying to make it a home. It's like speed dating for marriage. The apartment itself, while being more spacious, has its problems. The floor in my office is angled. I am typing uphill. My office chair keeps rolling. The kitchen smells a little like cat pee. The wooden floors are creaky as hell. I feel sorry for my downstairs neighbor. All the outlets and light switches have that lazy Chicago landlord multiple coats of off-white paint slathered on them. The laundry room is a dimly lit serial killer yellow. And the place is still half filled with boxes. And I have to rummage through them to find clothes to wear. I'm dumpster diving in my own home.
But I do like the neighborhood. The bus stop I will be frequenting is right next to a very nice Dunkin Donuts. Yes - I have been to enough Dunkin Donuts to be able to qualify them on ambiance. Were five minutes away from some great shopping places. And last night we ordered take out from a nearby Thai restaurant that was awesome. Our last apartment had a messed up intercom system, so we never ordered out. It was great. We ordered food. A guy brought it to us in a plastic bag with a smiley face on it. We watched TV. Life is good.
Now, if I can just find the can opener to give the cats canned food and find my cellphone charger before the battery runs out.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
On Saturday, I asked...
"According to a recent study, men are more likely to get a divorce if they have what?"
39% answered "unlimited wealth"
- I think that's only true if you are also a republican presidential candidate... so, no.
23% picked "a mistress"
- Only if they are caught. Nope.
23% thought maybe "facial hair"
- Hey, this soul patch is a symbol of my independence! ...No.
15% diagnosed the right answer "testicular cancer"
According to The Huffington Post, in research presented at a meeting of the European Cancer Organization, Norwegian experts found cancer patients with testicular cancer were more likely to get a divorce. The researchers didn't have any information on why the couples divorced. My theory is that the guy is overcompensating from losing a nut by growing balls in his personal life. Just a theory.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
I'm Having a Movement
Bite and Smile will return on Wednesday. I am in the process of moving my self and my possessions - along with two cats and a beautiful girlfriend (who has done more than her share of the work and I am now her indentured slave as a result) - from Edgewater to Logan Square here in Chicago. So, time to pack up the ol' iMac.
Please visit some of my other friends while I'm away. Just don't be a blog slut about it. I expect you here when I get back!
The Graffiti Table
Angry White Guy
Clever Title
I'm So Tired
Please visit some of my other friends while I'm away. Just don't be a blog slut about it. I expect you here when I get back!
The Graffiti Table
Angry White Guy
Clever Title
I'm So Tired
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DAVID ESPO | October 3, 2007 11:04 PM EST |
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