Relationships are hard work. They take a lot of time, energy, patience and understanding. It's like having a full-time job on top of another full-time job, except, it's cool because it's a girl and stuff. They're soft and pretty and say smart things. It's worth it.
Having a heavy schedule has kept me from being able to simply go out on a date with my girlfriend for the last two months. Julie and I made up for lost time this weekend. On Friday, we found a lovely little French restaurant called Cafe Matou that's just a ten minute walk away from our new apartment. Matou is French for "tom cat," which was not on the menu that night.
Yesterday, we took a little road trip to Malta, Illinois to visit Jonamac Orchards. It's about an hour and a half drive west of the city near Dekalb. We grabbed lunch at a place called The Black Stone Restaurant that served breakfast all day. It's the kind of place old people and families coming from church flock to. Shamelessly, the highlight for me was seeing two very overweight gentlemen who looked like brothers walk in wearing their Sunday best.
Jonamac was a lot of fun. The plan was to stuff ourselves with apple-oriented food products, get some pumpkins from their pumpkin patch, check out the apple catapult, and get lost in the 8-acre maze. We pretty much did all that with a few minor hiccups. The apple doughnuts just tasted like plain ol' doughnuts to me. The apple catapult was not nearly as exciting as I thought it would be. Basically, you just slingshot apples into a board that's about fifty feet away. Give me some moving targets or something cool to aim at. At least move the board closer so I can see the splat.
A sad part of the trip was that the pumpkin patch was devastated, Apparently, the Great Pumpkin took a beating from the funky weather. The pumpkins that we saw were spread out, split open or just in really bad shape. I somehow managed to find a skull-shaped green and orange one. Julie found one that was reddish-orange and all wrinkled. I'll post the before and after carving pics soon.
Other than that, the corn maze was really cool. And big. We must have been in that thing at least an hour. Maybe more. The caramel apples and apple pie were great. We brought home a caramel apple pecan pie, a dutch apple pie, cider, a big bag of honey crisp apples and a small bag on northern spy apples, which I have never heard of so I had to try.
Julie and I had a lot of fun and feel like a couple, again.
THERE'S SCIENCE TO BE DONE
This video has been making the rounds. If you haven't seen it, it's a catchy little tune. I'll explain what it is after you watch it.
It's the end credits of a video game called Portal which is an off-shoot of the Half-Life series. I've never played it, so there are inside jokes about Black Mesa and references to Aperture Science that I don't get. The song is being sung by an evil computer that the hero blew up at the end of the game.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
On Saturday, I asked...
"Four police officers in South Bend, Indiana entered a vacant house recently and were attacked by what?"
17% answered "Teenage Vampires" - Which I thought was a very good guess. Unfortunately, Indiana cops all reek of garlic and the hormonally challenged vampires all died.
No one figured it was "Demon Dogs" or "Zombie Slaves" - Although, what else are you going to find in Suuth Bend, Indiana?
Scully-like logic prevailed and 83% got it with "Fleas"
According to the Associated Press, four officers investigating a burglary were attacked by a swarm of fleas in a filth-ridden vacant house. The tiny, biting attackers were so overwhelming that the South Bend patrolmen had to be decontaminated and ended up being sent home early from their shifts. "They were all over the place _ in our socks and even in our shorts. It was disgusting," said Cpl. Ken Stuart. The owners of the house were cited for flea-ing the scene of a crime.
In various forms, The Super Friends ruled Saturday mornings for thirteen years. The series titles changed from Super Friends to Challenge of the Super Friends to The All New Super Friends Hour (my favorite just for its blatant disregard to be creative)and a few others. I remember liking it a lot at first but lost interest with the original comic kid characters they added; Marvin, Wendy, The Wonder Twins and that dog with the cape that is not Super Dog, but Wonder Dog.
This is from one of the later versions of the series in 1980 simply called The Super Friends Hour. In theory they tackled some darker stuff, in this case voodoo and vampires, but it's watered down through a combination of grappling with ABC's "standards and practices" people and cheap animation. You'd think a vampire might like to bite people and suck a little blood now and again. Nope. This vampire shoots lasers from its teeth and turns people into zombies, which I guess is the voodoo part. None the less, it's dumb and fun. Enjoy!
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"When Adrian McKinnon of Montgomery, Alabama found a burglar in his home, he made him do what at gunpoint?"
10% said "Rob his neighbor instead" - Which would have been awesome, except his neighbor doesn't have anything worth having another man steal.
10% picked "Dance" - And then he laughed, spat tobacco into a spittoon, and had another shot of dead eye.
Nobody fell for "Sleep with his wife" - Seemed plausible to me. Maybe I've read too many letters to Penthouse.
80% scored mightily with "Clean up his house"
According to the Associated Press, Adrian and Tiffany McKinnon returned home on Tuesday after a week away to find that thieves had emptied almost everything the family of five owned. While Adrian surveyed the damage, the man who ransacked the place walked in the back door and nearly bumped into him. Adrian McKinnon held the suspect, 33-year-old Tajuan Bullock, at gunpoint and made him clean up the mess he made. When police arrived, Bullock complained and the police just laughed at him. I don't blame Tajuan. Sometimes that's what it takes to get me to clean up after myself. Tough love.
This assignment is a fairly simple one, but, I find, a rare one in sketch comedy.
Take a group of animals, endow them with voices and personalities, and write a scene about it.
It helps to apply a social structure to the group, such as a corporate structure to a group of lemurs or a nuclear family structure to a small pack of cockroaches. Try to pick an animal that hasn't been done to death in films (I'm looking at you, penguins!).
An assignment like this is a fun way to highlight human behavior through a safe filter. It's also an opportunity for you to do some research and mine an animal's inherent social structure for material.
Using our lemur example, did you know...
- Females are dominant in the group, which means they have preferential access to food and choice of whom to mate with. This is unusual in the primate world. Males do have a dominance hierarchy, but this does not seem important during mating season because even low-ranking males are able to copulate.
- One of the most unusual lemur activities that ring-tailed lemurs participate in is sunbathing. The ring-tailed mob will gather in open areas of the forest and sit in what some call a yoga position facing the sun. They sit with their bellies toward the sun and their arms and legs stretched out to the sides.
- Ring-tailed lemurs communicate using facial expressions, such as The Bared-teeth Gecker Face: Similar to silent bared-teeth face only with a rapid noise attached to it. This display occurs during subordinate flee-approach conflicts and also when an infant is bothered.
All good info you and actors can use in bringing your corporate lemur characters to life.
The scene is a clash of context between human behavior and animal behavior. As such, you'll need a relateable human situation to put them in. Since the females are dominant, I might make a female the CEO of LemurCo and have a male worker confront her about being passed over for a promotion because she's taken a shine to one of the low-ranking males. The animal's own social structure influences the scene showing us that, ultimately, we may not be much better than the critters.
COMCASTDOES SUCK!
When it comes to Comcast, I have always had quick, friendly and helpful service. I have heard other people complain about them and didn't get it. I have had Comcast cable and internet service for a year now and have had no complaints about them at all, until now.
I moved on October first and had all my Comcast services transferred to my new digs. Yesterday afternoon, I wasn't able to access my e-mail. Hey, stuff happens. Comcast is working on something, I figured. They'll get it fixed by the next time I need to check e-mail. Nope. I had a phone call late last night from a friend saying my e-mails were bouncing back. I got up early this morning to check it out. It was telling me my user name and password were invalid. I got a service rep on-line and found out that they closed my old account and gave me a new one. They closed down my old e-mail addresses! Just f-ing great! Because yesterday morning I sent out an e-mail throwing my hat in the ring on a writing gig. If they responded, my e-mail bounced back, which communicates to the world that this dork probably didn't pay his bill and might be unreliable. Not a good impression when looking for work. After spending 45 minutes on-line with "Ryan," I was able to get my e-mail addresses re-established.
I was also expecting no charge in transferring my service. Turns out my current bill is twice what it usually is because of installation and new service fees. I will be calling a quick, friendly helpful Comcast service rep later to give them a piece of my mind.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, the field with the most depressed people is what?"
66% chose "Education" - I must have a lot of depressed teachers reading my blog.
8% thought "Arts and Entertainment" - Oh, quit your whining and get to work on that one-person show.
No one picked "Blogging" - Nobody understands me! Except for my cats. That's right, "cats." With an "s."
26% got the ding-ding-ding! with "Personal Care"
According to Reuters, child care workers, home health care aides and other people who provide personal services have the highest rates of depression among U.S. workers. You know, I totally understand this. These people are doing God's work and are probably very poorly paid. If my main source of income was washing old people, I'd be sleeping with my head in the gas oven. Then some other depressed, poorly paid person would have to clean up the mess.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for us to export a can of good ol' American whoop-ass to Iran.
Is it because of their nuclear program? No. They are idiots in this area. It's taking them for freakin' ever. If anything, we need to get in there and blow them up before they do it themselves.
Is it because their president is out-of-touch, ill-informed and a war-mongering idiot? Gosh, if that were a good enough reason, I'd be writing this from my bunker in an undisclosed location.
Is it because the people of Iran are calling out to the U.S. to spread democracy to another oil-laden country? Just like the people in Iraq so loudly did? Now, folks,calm down. It's not about the oil or spreading democracy like it's Nutella. This is a war on terror, not oppressed gas stations.
It's about geography. Our president-in-chief may only have been a "C" student, but that doesn't mean he's never looked at a map. We are presently fighting valiantly in two countries - Iraq and Afghanistan. Guess who is smack dab in the middle of the two? Check the map above. We need to invade Iran so we can bridge the two. Right now, it's like having a war in Ohio and Tennessee and having to walk around those jerks in Kentucky every time you need to move some tanks around. It slows things down. Kills the momentum. Having Iran join the party takes what looks like three messy little separate wars and makes them into one big tidy one.
But if you are one of those pansies worried about the blood shed of the innocent. I have a modest proposal. We are essentially working on a United States of the Middle East and as much as we'd like to just kill them all (apparently, some countries we work with a lot don't like this idea - damn you France and Germany and England!), we'll need to either rebuild their countries or find them new homes.
Is there a way to avoid battle? Yeah, probably. If we must.
In land mass, Iraq, Iran and Afghanistan are roughly the same size as California, Alaska and Texas. I say we make a trade. Swap all the people in California with all the people in Iraq. They'll think they are getting a great deal with all that ocean front property that's about to break off at the fault lines. Hollywood gets a place with perennial sunshine for their movie-makings. Iranians will jump at the chance to cool off in Alaska while Alaskans will jump at the chance to warm their bones in Iran. Afghanistan and Texas are an even trade.
ROBOWRITERS TONIGHT!
Now, that Soiree Dada has wrapped up, I'm back in full-force at the Robowriters Meetings. Bring your scenes to work on or just come to get motivated and have a few laughs. Uptown Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway, at 6:30pm. $5 (cheap!)
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"A six-year-old girl playing on the sidewalk in New York was cited by police for what?"
32% answered "Soliciting" - Hey, now! This ain't Taxi Driver.
22% picked "Drug Pushing" - A six-year-old pushing drugs? Yeah. Those red Barney Rubbles can bring in a wad of cash.
11% thought "Vandalism" - She starts fires with her mind!
35% got the right answer "Graffiti"
According to The Brooklyn Paper, six-year-old Natalie Shea got a threatening letter from the city demanding the removal of “graffiti” she drew with chalk — with chalk! — on her front step. She is facing a $300 fine from the city. She may have to resort to selling drugs or her body to cover the costs. Here's a picture of her at the scene of the crime with the warning letter.
The other night, Glenn Earich, a former student and current teacher in The Second City Writing Program, and I were discussing writing pet peeves that show up in our students' work. Imagine my surprise when one of the things I did was at the top of his list.
Glenn hates when a student uses the word "Yeah" (in his world, pronounced yah), when they mean "Yea" (in his world, pronounced yey!). According to Glenn, the right way in this world is...
CAPT. AHAB
Yea! I see the great white whale off the starboard bow! Starbuck, do you have my lucky harpoon?
STARBUCK
Yeah.
In my world, it's always been...
CAPT. AHAB
Yeah! I found my peg leg. Now, I can go for a jog around the poop deck. Will you join me, Starbuck?
STARBUCK
Yah.
I mentioned this to Fuzzy Gerdes who tells me he does this...
CAPT. AHAB
Yay! I found a stowaway to befriend. I think I'll show him where my treasure is buried.
STARBUCK
Ya. Captain. That's the wrong story.
CAPT. AHAB
Shut up and bring me my parrot.
Actually, I don't remember how Fuzzy dealt with "yah" because I was so stuck on his use of "Yay!" There's something about that "Yay!" that puts me on the edge of a seizure. It sounds right but looks very, very wrong to me. I believe it has the power to cause a rift in the fabric of reality and therefore should never be used.
So, what's the right way of expressing cheer distinct from a casual affirmation?
Dictionaries haven't been helpful on this. They do site "yea" in pronunciation of the cheer, but use it in a biblical sense (Yea, though I walk through the valley, etc...). In some, "yeah" and "yea" are interchangeable in meaning and pronunciation. And "yay" shows up when referring to measure, as in "yay high to a grasshopper."
“Yea” is a very old-fashioned formal way of saying “yes,” used mainly in voting. It’s the opposite of—and rhymes with—“nay.” When you want to write the common casual version of “yes,” the correct spelling is “yeah” (sounds like “yeh” ). When the third grade teacher announced a class trip to the zoo, we all yelled “yay!” (the opposite of “boo”!). That was back when I was only yay big.
There you have it. I was all wrong and Glenn was half right. And Fuzzy taught me a new word that I thought he made up. As much as that word "Yay!" gives me the heebeejeebies, I will now have to embrace it.
Yay!
BLOG ACTION DAY
Yesterday was Blog Action Day! Sorry, I didn't get the memo and didn't really do anything action-y. While I discount blogging as valid journalism, I do think it is a valuable tool of expression and a great way for politicians to get a bead on we "the people." It's a way for us to build community in the world.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"After months of frustration, a mother of a soldier in Iraq was able to ship to the troops 80,000 cans of what?"
23% picked "Hershey's Chocolate Syrup" - I have no idea why anyone thought this was the right answer. What? The troops don't have any chocolate syrup for their sundaes! Where's the outrage? Support our troops! Support our troops!
7% chose "Spam" - I think when it comes to potted meats, the army has enough to rebuild a war torn country.
Much to my dismay, no one thought it was "Prince Albert Tobacco" - "Dear President Bush, We need more Prince Albert in a can. Signed, Pvt. I. P. Daley"
70% got the right answer with "Silly String"
According to the Associated Press, Marcelle Shriver'sSilly String campaign began late last year after her son, Todd, a soldier in Ramadi slated to leave Iraq in November, asked his parents to send cans of the product. Soldiers can shoot the substance, which travels about 10-12 feet, across a room before entering. If it hangs in the air, that indicates a possible trip wire. I really wish the army had been on the ball and equipped the troops with Silly String from the get-go. Instead of toppling a statue of Sadam, I would much rather have seen jubilant Iraqis firing off cans of Silly String for the camera. Keep that in mind when Bush figures out a way to invade Iran without our approval.
So, my favorite form of writing is sketch comedy writing. In this town, there's not much reason to do it other than because you love it. If you are interested in writing for SNL or MADtv or sketch off-shoots like The Daily Show or Family Guy, it's an excellent training ground and you will, eventually, have to relocate. But if you want to stick to Chicago, you do it for the love and keep an eye out for opportunities to turn a buck with it.
One such opportunity is writing for corporate entertainment. Corporations often have big get-togethers where they have to get information out in an entertaining manner or, at least, have to spice things up between getting the information out there.
They tend to pay well, but I always feel like I'm getting screwed. Part of this goes back to my very first corporate gig.
Post-college, I was working at the Dayton Mall Food Court with an ex-girlfriend named Peggy. She had annually hosted a live kids show featuring the Care Bears over at the Salem Mall. Well, the folks at the Salem Mall had a fallout with American Greetings, the owners of the Care Bears. The Salem Mall still owned one Care Bear outfit, still had Peggy in town, had already scheduled the week of Care Bear shows. All they needed was a script. Peggy recommended me.
Immediately, I started brainstorming, letting it percolate in the back of my head, while grilling steak sandwiches at the food court. I came up with a title The Care Bear's Great Candy Adventure, a villain named The Icky Dr. Yuckbottom, and a joke.
Peggy is talking to the kids about something strange that happened to her. She rode her big wheel to the candy store and bought a lollipop. "I noticed my shoe was untied. So, I put the lollipop on the seat of my Big Wheel and tied my shoe. When I turned back, my lollipop was gone! At first, I thought my dog took it, but then I remembered, I don't have a dog!"
And don't know why, but it cracked me up that she would say that and it helped me gain momentum in writing the rest of the piece. The folks at the Salem Mall loved it, wanted to use it, wanted me to play The Icky Dr. Yuckbottom, and scheduled a readthrough. Mind you, this was all done before there was any talk whatsoever about paying me (sidenote: Always talk money BEFORE working on the gig). Peggy and I and the guy who would don the Care Bears outfit sat down with a Salem Mall rep to read the script. He gushed about it, we read it, we laughed. And then he said, "The dog joke has to go."
What!?! My brilliant work of genius comedy has to go? Why? Are you crazy?
"There might be kids in the audience who don't have dogs. They'll bug their parents to buy a dog and the parents will get pissed at us."
I still didn't get the logic of that being a problem.
"Theoretically speaking, then, we can't have anything in the show. No candy. No Care Bears. Nothing." I didn't say that. I wasn't smart enough back then. Plus, I was dumbfounded at their reasoning. It was my first experience of someone editing my work without honoring my input. They were killing my children!
I took the lump. I don't recall any other major alteration to the work. I was looking forward to performing my script for a crowd of kids for three shows a day for a week. A professional writer AND actor!
The money? I got screwed. I had no idea what was an appropriate amount. I think they expected me to negotiate. Not knowing I had any other options, I took the first figure they threw out. $300. It was less than I would have made working full-time at the food court. Peggy told me later I got screwed. Sigh.
Now, whenever I am offered a corporate gig, I ask for what I think it should be based on my experience with Second City. And if they ask me to do more than what was agreed upon, I ask for more. It feels weird. But it's right. Always ask for more than you think it should be. As an artist, you are usually low-balling yourself. The worst that can happen is that they make a counter-offer that's still probably more than what you would pay yourself.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"Monsignor TommasoStenico was suspended from the Vatican after making advances on a young man says he what?"
25% guessed "Really did want the young man's opinion on his new pants." - Do these standard issue black slacks make me look fat? No, because being gay has a slimming effect.
9% thought "Really is an amateur photographer who knows natural talent when he sees it." - You remind me of a young Rock Hudson. Pout for me, pout for the camera, pout for the Pope. Uh, no.
8% figured "Really did find a stray eyelash on the young man's cheek." - Got it! Now, make a wish and blow...harder! Nope.
58% rightly stated "Was just pretending to be gay."
According to the Associated Press, a Vatican official suspended after being caught on hidden camera making advances to a young man says he is not gay and was only pretending to be gay as part of his work. Monsignor TommasoStenico told La Repubblica daily he frequented online gay chat rooms and met with gay men as part of his work as a psychoanalyst. He said that he pretended to be gay in order to gather information about "those who damage the image of the Church with homosexual activity." And, yes, he said all these things with a cock in his mouth.
Okay. Ever been so busy that you didn't have time to be sick and then as soon as things let up a bit, boom! Viral smackdown? Soiree Dada wrapped up Saturday night. On Sunday, I was sneezy and congested all day and assumed that it was my usual allergies. I took a Claritin to no effect. Late in the afternoon, my throat started to feel scratchy. I laid down for an hour, had some dinner, hypnotically watched the movie Stargateon the Sci-Fi Channel and noticed for the first time that French Stewart was in it as a bad ass marine, and started feeling worse. I don't think the miscasting of French Stewart had anything to do with this. Through my girlfriend's recommendation, I took a bath by candle-light with a bath bomb. Okay, the candle-light was my idea. Shut up. I'm sick.
I crawled into bed around 8pm and slept for nearly ten hours.
So, at the moment I feel much better, albeit quite achy. Today, all I have on the docket are my Columbia classes. I'm free this evening to come home and chill out. And, if I'm still not feeling well, take another bath by candle-light. I said shut up.
Things have been a little slow around here for snarky political and social commentary or talking about theater and writing. There's lot for me to write about, so we'll get those pistons fired back up this week.
If you're a geek like me, this is good news...
Young Actors Audition For Justice
George Miller, director of the upcoming Justice Leage of America, flew from his native Australia over the weekend to audition young actors for roles in the much-anticipated comic-inspired film, according to The Hollywood Reporter.
The marathon casting session started Oct. 14 and continues on the 15th, with 35 to 40 actors testing for roles, including Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Flash, Aquaman, Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter. A few nonhero parts might be testing as well.
On the roll call are Adam Brody (The O.C.), Joseph Cross (Running With Scissors), D.J. Cotrona (Windfall), Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Final Destination 3), Michael Angarano (Sky High), Teresa Palmer (Wolf Creek), Max Thieriot (Jumper) and rapper Common.
The cast of NBC's Friday Night Lights is well-represented as well, with Minka Kelly, Adrianne Palicki and Scott Porter also among those testing for parts. No costumes are involved in the tests, which are being taped as actors read script pages.
Miller is looking for actors to grow into their roles over the course of several movies. Sources told the trade paper that Miller, known to be a methodical director, is testing not only for the roles themselves but also how the actors interact with one another while keeping an eye on the look of the whole group. The director is due to present his findings to the studio midweek.
George Miller also did the Mad Max film series and that other bloody revenge franchise, Babe.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Saturday, I asked...
"Australian performance artist SteliosArcadiou recently had what grafted to his body?"
25% picked "A Horn" - I wasn't specific as to if I meant a horn like a rhino or a horn like a car. I'd love it if I had a truck horn I could use on escalators where lazy people block the paths of those of us who want to use our legs while escalating. But it doesn't matter which, because neither is right.
25% "Pig Nipples" - I'm sure the pig would feel great about this. "They chop me up for science and for sandwiches. They part out my body like a used car and some asshole gets to wear my nipples for art? I wish they had just clubbed me in the head when I was born." Don't worry little piggy. Your nipples are safe. For now.
No one thought it was "A Duck Bill" - Too hard to imagine, I guess. Where would you put it? It's too small to graft to your lips. I think they'd make pretty cool eye lids.
50% got the right answer with "A Third Ear"
According to the BBC, an Australian performer has had an ear grafted onto his forearm in the name of art. Stelarc, aged 61, said it had taken him years to find a surgeon prepared to perform the operation. The ear does not function, but he hopes to have a microphone implanted to allow others to listen to what his extra ear picks up. Um, I think the extra ear on his forearm is going to pick up the rustling of his shirt as well as everything else that his other two ears hear. My question is, did this jerk get a grant for this?
