Death Takes A Sick Day

So, I just flat out took yesterday off to nurse this cold. I rested, I drank Yerba Mate and white tea, I ate my new favorite sandwich (Tofurkey Deli Slices, Tofutti American Soy-Cheese Slice, Vegenaise and real jalapenos on real flax and wheat bread), I watched the second episode of this year's Smallville (better than the season premiere, but it sure feels like these folks are done - I'm not crazy about the addition of Super Girl or the new editor and please stop over-playing the "dead" card on your characters), the second episode of The Office (also better than the season premiere, but still had a really dumb "turn" near the end - please stop these one hour episodes, it feels like a lot of filler), and I got some work done on some projects. All with only talking on the phone once because as the day wore on, my voice got worse and sounded like a flock of geese.

My body is feeling better, which is good, because I have to big events over the next two days...



NO ROBOWRITERS TONIGHT!!!

Okay, that's more like the lack of an event. The reason there's no Robowriters is because of the...



ROBOT VS DINOSAUR-CHICAGO STAGED READING

We've been working on material for this since May. There's some really good stuff in it and we've assembled a really great cast. There's still work for us to do and what we need now is to hear from you and get your feedback. It's tonight at 7:30pm at the Uptown Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway. It's FREE!

And...



DANSE MACABRE! AT THE ACORN THEATER IN THREE OAKS, MICHIGAN

(Danse Macabre by razshady)

This will be your one and only chance to see Danse Macabre! this year. Danse Macabre! is an improvised story done in the style of horror films from the 1930's and 1940's (ala Frankenstein, Dracula and The Wolf Man). The premise is that 1930's horror meister Conrad Brünst, through the magic of Hollywood and the sacrifice of a small goat, has assembled his regular company of actors to recreate LIVE! one of his many films that have been lost to nitrate deterioration and poor organizational skills. The audience provides the title of the "film" they would like to see. It's a robust evening of creepy fun time storytelling.And it's ridiculously funny.

Here's my favorite quote from a reviewer about the show...

"With its spooky effects and black-widow palette, Danse Macabre! evokes a White Stripes video as directed by Vincent Price."
-- Ryan Hubbard, The Chicago Reader

This year's show features; Don Hall, Gabe Garza, Nat Topping, James Honey, Dennis Frymire, Tony Torres, myself and Jeff Shivar on the keys. And as is always the fashion with Danse Macabre!, we feature not one, but TWO fog machines.

Tickets are $15 and available at the door. For more information, go to The Acorn Theater website.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Sen. John McCain told workers at a small weapons factory that, if elected president, he wants to catch Osama Bin Laden and do what?"

20% said "...spit in his eye and punch him in the nose."
- I think he would only do that if Osama had been the son of a bitch that named him "Sue."

20% figured "...put women's underwear on his head."
- You know, I've yet to see how this is humiliating to anyone. But, of course, I guess it depends on whose underwear it is? Barbara Bush's? Ew.

No one thought "...bring him to justice."
- Yeah, I'm afraid justice just isn't one of those words being bandied about by most of the republican candidates.

60% hit the target with "...shoot him with your products."

According to The Boston Globe, republican presidential candidate John McCain told workers of a small weapons factory that "I will follow Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell and I will shoot him with your products." McCain told reporters afterward he was joking when he made the comment, "I would not shoot him myself." Too bad, I might just vote for a gun-totin' vigilante for the White House. People would be stopped from entering his inauguration if they didn't set off the metal detector.

Icky

Damn this cold. It's moving down into my chest and I have a sore throat. My head's primary export is mucus and I sound like a geriatric Lucille Ball.

As much as I hate getting sick and want to be pissed at my body for not being impervious to all germs, I have to give my body a break. It works. It's doing its job to fight this cold. The best thing I can do is try to get out of its way by resting, eating lightly, and hydrating. Yay, body! You go, girl! Er, boy.

Wednesday's my busiest day of the week with classes at Columbia and at Second City. So, I have to figure out what's going to be the best thing for me to do today that will care of me, my students, and my wallet.

Until then, here's a silly picture I found through Brett and Anthony are ...... Workin' for the Weekend.






THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"After digitally scanning the Mona Lisa, a French inventor claims she what?"

30% picked "Originally was a man"
- Hmmm....Morrie Lisa? Mona Lyle?

20% thought "Originally was scowling"
- She might have been after she found out what Leonardo did to her painting.

No one fell for my brilliant attempt at humor with "Is flashing gang signs"

50% got it right on the head with "Originally had eyebrows"

According to the BBC, Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa originally had eyebrows and eyelashes. Pascal Cotte, a French inventor, said his 240-megapixel scan revealed traces of facial hair obliterated by restoration efforts. Da Vinci changed his mind about the position of two fingers on her left hand, her face was originally wider and her smile more expressive. Da Vinci made the right choices. Look what was underneath...

CTA Blues

For those of you outside the city, you may not be aware of the fact that Chicago boasts one of the most efficient and convenient public transportation systems in the world. Well... it used to. I used to be very proud of the fact that I could live in Chicago and get around as easily, if not better, than my four-wheeled counterparts. Oh, sure, every once in awhile you'd get burned. About once or twice a year you'd be on a train that would mysteriously stop and make you late. But compared to traffic accidents and slow downs, that was nothing.

Now, everyday is an adventure when you take the CTA. What used to take thirty minutes, I now plan on an hour and, if I really want to make sure I'm there on time, an hour and a half. It makes me wish I had a car, which defeats the whole green(er) thing I'm going for in my life. Public transportation shouldn't make you wish you had a car unless you live in Detroit and the automakers bought up the public transportation system and trashed it (which they did).

What's worse is that the CTA wants to raise their fares a dollar AND cut services. I would be all for this if it looked like they were even trying to run the current bus and train schedules on time. Instead, I'll find myself waiting 50 minutes for a Fullerton bus and then three pull up. Or I'll be waiting 30 minutes for a southbound train and watch five northbound trains pass by.

We need the CTA (as well as Metra and Pace) to be the best that they can be so we can reduce our dependence on foreign oil, help clean up the skies, and ease the congestion on our roadways. And if we see ourselves as a world class city capable of hosting the Olympics, we need a public transportation system that's not in shambles.

The CTA blames the government, the government blames the CTA and the passengers are taking it out on each other. Just to make life easier, please; get your bag off the seat, keep your legs out of the aisle, sit up instead of lying down, scoot over, move to the back, turn down your iPod, stop making out, take off your backpack, turn off your walkie-talkie - a walkie-talkie? what are you? A construction worker? No - just someone who likes to talk loud and use a lot of profanity - and, please, take a shower.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked....

"A married couple in Iran will NOT be stopped by police for doing what?"

37% said "Wearing matching t-shirts"
- Actually, no problem for the guy. A gal wearing a t-shirt would warrant the wrath of Allah.

12% thought "Kissing"
- No way. The Iranian police are like nuns at a school dance. No pda!

25% picked "Hugging"
- Nope. Couples must leave room for Muhammad.

25% got the right answer "Holding hands"

According to the AFP, Iran in April launched what has proved to be its most severe moral crackdown in years, handing out warnings to thousands of people for dress deemed to be unIslamic and other outlawed behavior. Iran's police are to keep up their moral crackdown through the winter months, confronting couples whose behavior in public is deemed to be inappropriate. Any kind of intimate cuddling between couples in public, let alone kissing, is a social taboo in Iran. Holding hands has become acceptable in the Islamic republic, so long as the partners are married. Now, I don't condone this type of oppression on self-expression, but could we borrow these guys to patrol the CTA?

Taking Time

Relationships are hard work. They take a lot of time, energy, patience and understanding. It's like having a full-time job on top of another full-time job, except, it's cool because it's a girl and stuff. They're soft and pretty and say smart things. It's worth it.

Having a heavy schedule has kept me from being able to simply go out on a date with my girlfriend for the last two months. Julie and I made up for lost time this weekend. On Friday, we found a lovely little French restaurant called Cafe Matou that's just a ten minute walk away from our new apartment. Matou is French for "tom cat," which was not on the menu that night.

Yesterday, we took a little road trip to Malta, Illinois to visit Jonamac Orchards. It's about an hour and a half drive west of the city near Dekalb. We grabbed lunch at a place called The Black Stone Restaurant that served breakfast all day. It's the kind of place old people and families coming from church flock to. Shamelessly, the highlight for me was seeing two very overweight gentlemen who looked like brothers walk in wearing their Sunday best.

Jonamac was a lot of fun. The plan was to stuff ourselves with apple-oriented food products, get some pumpkins from their pumpkin patch, check out the apple catapult, and get lost in the 8-acre maze. We pretty much did all that with a few minor hiccups. The apple doughnuts just tasted like plain ol' doughnuts to me. The apple catapult was not nearly as exciting as I thought it would be. Basically, you just slingshot apples into a board that's about fifty feet away. Give me some moving targets or something cool to aim at. At least move the board closer so I can see the splat.

A sad part of the trip was that the pumpkin patch was devastated, Apparently, the Great Pumpkin took a beating from the funky weather. The pumpkins that we saw were spread out, split open or just in really bad shape. I somehow managed to find a skull-shaped green and orange one. Julie found one that was reddish-orange and all wrinkled. I'll post the before and after carving pics soon.

Other than that, the corn maze was really cool. And big. We must have been in that thing at least an hour. Maybe more. The caramel apples and apple pie were great. We brought home a caramel apple pecan pie, a dutch apple pie, cider, a big bag of honey crisp apples and a small bag on northern spy apples, which I have never heard of so I had to try.

Julie and I had a lot of fun and feel like a couple, again.



THERE'S SCIENCE TO BE DONE

This video has been making the rounds. If you haven't seen it, it's a catchy little tune. I'll explain what it is after you watch it.






It's the end credits of a video game called Portal which is an off-shoot of the Half-Life series. I've never played it, so there are inside jokes about Black Mesa and references to Aperture Science that I don't get. The song is being sung by an evil computer that the hero blew up at the end of the game.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Saturday, I asked...

"Four police officers in South Bend, Indiana entered a vacant house recently and were attacked by what?"

17% answered "Teenage Vampires"
- Which I thought was a very good guess. Unfortunately, Indiana cops all reek of garlic and the hormonally challenged vampires all died.

No one figured it was "Demon Dogs" or "Zombie Slaves"
- Although, what else are you going to find in Suuth Bend, Indiana?

Scully-like logic prevailed and 83% got it with "Fleas"

According to the Associated Press, four officers investigating a burglary were attacked by a swarm of fleas in a filth-ridden vacant house. The tiny, biting attackers were so overwhelming that the South Bend patrolmen had to be decontaminated and ended up being sent home early from their shifts. "They were all over the place _ in our socks and even in our shorts. It was disgusting," said Cpl. Ken Stuart. The owners of the house were cited for flea-ing the scene of a crime.

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

The Super Friends (1973 - 1986)




In various forms, The Super Friends ruled Saturday mornings for thirteen years. The series titles changed from Super Friends to Challenge of the Super Friends to The All New Super Friends Hour (my favorite just for its blatant disregard to be creative)and a few others. I remember liking it a lot at first but lost interest with the original comic kid characters they added; Marvin, Wendy, The Wonder Twins and that dog with the cape that is not Super Dog, but Wonder Dog.

This is from one of the later versions of the series in 1980 simply called The Super Friends Hour. In theory they tackled some darker stuff, in this case voodoo and vampires, but it's watered down through a combination of grappling with ABC's "standards and practices" people and cheap animation. You'd think a vampire might like to bite people and suck a little blood now and again. Nope. This vampire shoots lasers from its teeth and turns people into zombies, which I guess is the voodoo part. None the less, it's dumb and fun. Enjoy!





THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"When Adrian McKinnon of Montgomery, Alabama found a burglar in his home, he made him do what at gunpoint?"

10% said "Rob his neighbor instead"
- Which would have been awesome, except his neighbor doesn't have anything worth having another man steal.

10% picked "Dance"
- And then he laughed, spat tobacco into a spittoon, and had another shot of dead eye.

Nobody fell for "Sleep with his wife"
- Seemed plausible to me. Maybe I've read too many letters to Penthouse.

80% scored mightily with "Clean up his house"

According to the Associated Press, Adrian and Tiffany McKinnon returned home on Tuesday after a week away to find that thieves had emptied almost everything the family of five owned. While Adrian surveyed the damage, the man who ransacked the place walked in the back door and nearly bumped into him. Adrian McKinnon held the suspect, 33-year-old Tajuan Bullock, at gunpoint and made him clean up the mess he made. When police arrived, Bullock complained and the police just laughed at him. I don't blame Tajuan. Sometimes that's what it takes to get me to clean up after myself. Tough love.

Personifiy!

ROBOWRITERS ASSIGNMENT

This assignment is a fairly simple one, but, I find, a rare one in sketch comedy.

Take a group of animals, endow them with voices and personalities, and write a scene about it.

It helps to apply a social structure to the group, such as a corporate structure to a group of lemurs or a nuclear family structure to a small pack of cockroaches. Try to pick an animal that hasn't been done to death in films (I'm looking at you, penguins!).

An assignment like this is a fun way to highlight human behavior through a safe filter. It's also an opportunity for you to do some research and mine an animal's inherent social structure for material.

Using our lemur example, did you know...

- Females are dominant in the group, which means they have preferential access to food and choice of whom to mate with. This is unusual in the primate world. Males do have a dominance hierarchy, but this does not seem important during mating season because even low-ranking males are able to copulate.

- One of the most unusual lemur activities that ring-tailed lemurs participate in is sunbathing. The ring-tailed mob will gather in open areas of the forest and sit in what some call a yoga position facing the sun. They sit with their bellies toward the sun and their arms and legs stretched out to the sides.

- Ring-tailed lemurs communicate using facial expressions, such as The Bared-teeth Gecker Face: Similar to silent bared-teeth face only with a rapid noise attached to it. This display occurs during subordinate flee-approach conflicts and also when an infant is bothered.

All good info you and actors can use in bringing your corporate lemur characters to life.

(You can find out more about lemurs and other animals at The Smithonian's National Zoological Park website.)

The scene is a clash of context between human behavior and animal behavior. As such, you'll need a relateable human situation to put them in. Since the females are dominant, I might make a female the CEO of LemurCo and have a male worker confront her about being passed over for a promotion because she's taken a shine to one of the low-ranking males. The animal's own social structure influences the scene showing us that, ultimately, we may not be much better than the critters.



COMCAST DOES SUCK!

When it comes to Comcast, I have always had quick, friendly and helpful service. I have heard other people complain about them and didn't get it. I have had Comcast cable and internet service for a year now and have had no complaints about them at all, until now.

I moved on October first and had all my Comcast services transferred to my new digs. Yesterday afternoon, I wasn't able to access my e-mail. Hey, stuff happens. Comcast is working on something, I figured. They'll get it fixed by the next time I need to check e-mail. Nope. I had a phone call late last night from a friend saying my e-mails were bouncing back. I got up early this morning to check it out. It was telling me my user name and password were invalid. I got a service rep on-line and found out that they closed my old account and gave me a new one. They closed down my old e-mail addresses! Just f-ing great! Because yesterday morning I sent out an e-mail throwing my hat in the ring on a writing gig. If they responded, my e-mail bounced back, which communicates to the world that this dork probably didn't pay his bill and might be unreliable. Not a good impression when looking for work. After spending 45 minutes on-line with "Ryan," I was able to get my e-mail addresses re-established.

I was also expecting no charge in transferring my service. Turns out my current bill is twice what it usually is because of installation and new service fees. I will be calling a quick, friendly helpful Comcast service rep later to give them a piece of my mind.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, the field with the most depressed people is what?"

66% chose "Education"
- I must have a lot of depressed teachers reading my blog.

8% thought "Arts and Entertainment"
- Oh, quit your whining and get to work on that one-person show.

No one picked "Blogging"
- Nobody understands me! Except for my cats. That's right, "cats." With an "s."

26% got the ding-ding-ding! with "Personal Care"

According to Reuters, child care workers, home health care aides and other people who provide personal services have the highest rates of depression among U.S. workers. You know, I totally understand this. These people are doing God's work and are probably very poorly paid. If my main source of income was washing old people, I'd be sleeping with my head in the gas oven. Then some other depressed, poorly paid person would have to clean up the mess.

World War Three-peat!

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for us to export a can of good ol' American whoop-ass to Iran.

Is it because of their nuclear program? No. They are idiots in this area. It's taking them for freakin' ever. If anything, we need to get in there and blow them up before they do it themselves.

Is it because their president is out-of-touch, ill-informed and a war-mongering idiot? Gosh, if that were a good enough reason, I'd be writing this from my bunker in an undisclosed location.

Is it because the people of Iran are calling out to the U.S. to spread democracy to another oil-laden country? Just like the people in Iraq so loudly did? Now, folks,calm down. It's not about the oil or spreading democracy like it's Nutella. This is a war on terror, not oppressed gas stations.

It's about geography. Our president-in-chief may only have been a "C" student, but that doesn't mean he's never looked at a map. We are presently fighting valiantly in two countries - Iraq and Afghanistan. Guess who is smack dab in the middle of the two? Check the map above. We need to invade Iran so we can bridge the two. Right now, it's like having a war in Ohio and Tennessee and having to walk around those jerks in Kentucky every time you need to move some tanks around. It slows things down. Kills the momentum. Having Iran join the party takes what looks like three messy little separate wars and makes them into one big tidy one.

But if you are one of those pansies worried about the blood shed of the innocent. I have a modest proposal. We are essentially working on a United States of the Middle East and as much as we'd like to just kill them all (apparently, some countries we work with a lot don't like this idea - damn you France and Germany and England!), we'll need to either rebuild their countries or find them new homes.

Is there a way to avoid battle? Yeah, probably. If we must.

In land mass, Iraq, Iran and Afghanistan are roughly the same size as California, Alaska and Texas. I say we make a trade. Swap all the people in California with all the people in Iraq. They'll think they are getting a great deal with all that ocean front property that's about to break off at the fault lines. Hollywood gets a place with perennial sunshine for their movie-makings. Iranians will jump at the chance to cool off in Alaska while Alaskans will jump at the chance to warm their bones in Iran. Afghanistan and Texas are an even trade.



ROBOWRITERS TONIGHT!

Now, that Soiree Dada has wrapped up, I'm back in full-force at the Robowriters Meetings. Bring your scenes to work on or just come to get motivated and have a few laughs. Uptown Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway, at 6:30pm. $5 (cheap!)



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A six-year-old girl playing on the sidewalk in New York was cited by police for what?"

32% answered "Soliciting"
- Hey, now! This ain't Taxi Driver.

22% picked "Drug Pushing"
- A six-year-old pushing drugs? Yeah. Those red Barney Rubbles can bring in a wad of cash.

11% thought "Vandalism"
- She starts fires with her mind!

35% got the right answer "Graffiti"

According to The Brooklyn Paper, six-year-old Natalie Shea got a threatening letter from the city demanding the removal of “graffiti” she drew with chalk — with chalk! — on her front step. She is facing a $300 fine from the city. She may have to resort to selling drugs or her body to cover the costs. Here's a picture of her at the scene of the crime with the warning letter.