One Year

According to my site meter, I have been keeping track of visitors to Bite and Smile since April 24, 2007. Before I even discovered what a site meter was and that I could get one for free, I had been posting since April 22, 2007.

Over the year, having a blog has sharpened my writing skills. I move more quickly and am generally satisfied with my product. This has been helpful to me when working freelance under a deadline. In the quest for generating daily material, it has made me more aware of the world news. This has also made me more cynical. A part of that is acquiring a healthy dose of skepticism. Another part of that is just plain thinking humanity has been fucked over by greed and there's no turning back. Trying to make funny out of that has been a challenge.

It also has me questioning the value of entertainment. Why do we do this? Who are we helping? How are we helping? Should we really be trying to take people's minds off of reality, whatever that is? Isn't that as much of a distraction as a bunch of flag pin-less people talking about Obama's lack of a flag pin? Am I being a part of the problem?

I mulled over the possibility of doing a blog for quite some time. My biggest fear was that I wouldn't have anything interesting to say. That also became the reason to do it. If I don't have at least one interesting thing to say every day, that's pathetic. By the very nature of being human, I should be able to come up with one goofy nugget a day that people can relate to.

So, after a year, what I really want to know is, who are you and why do you read this thing? What would you like to see more of? How has this been helpful to you? Going into my second year, I want to make sure I am providing as best I can what you, friendly readers, are looking for. Let me know what's on your mind about Biting and Smiling.


ROBOWRITERS TOMORROW!

Best deal in the city. Constructive, honest feedback from experienced sketch comedy writers for only five bucks. At Gorilla Tango, 1919 North Milwaukee, at 1pm.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Yale art major Aliza Shvarts has outraged many of her fellow art students because her senior project features her what?"

50% said "stool samples"
- I made art with that when I was two.

34% said "collection of pap smears"
- Nature's little Rorschach test.

No one said "breast milk"

16% got it right with "forced miscarriages"

According to The Yale Daily News, beginning next Tuesday, Art major Aliza Shvarts will be displaying a documentation of a nine-month process during which she artificially inseminated herself "as often as possible" while periodically taking abortifacient drugs to induce miscarriages. Her exhibition will feature video recordings of these forced miscarriages as well as preserved collections of the blood from the process. The goal in creating the art exhibition, Shvarts said, was to spark conversation and debate on the relationship between art and the human body.

The display of Schvarts' project will feature a large cube suspended from the ceiling. Schvarts will wrap hundreds of feet of plastic sheeting around this cube; lined between layers of the sheeting will be the blood from Schvarts' self-induced miscarriages mixed with Vaseline in order to prevent the blood from drying and to extend the blood throughout the plastic sheeting.

Schvarts will then project recorded videos onto the four sides of the cube. These videos, captured on a VHS camcorder, will show her experiencing miscarriages in her bathrooom tub, she said. Similar videos will be projected onto the walls of the room.

On the floor under her exhibit will be Don Hall's collection of mason jars filled with his own poop. Each one signed and autographed and for sale.

ADDENDUM! THIS JUST IN...

HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) - A Yale University art student duped the student newspaper with a story about inducing repeated abortions on herself and using the blood for her senior art project, the school said Thursday.

The story about Aliza Shvarts' project, published Thursday in the Yale Daily News, swept across blogs and media outlets - including the Drudge Report, Fox News and The Washington Post - before Yale issued a statement saying it investigated and found it all to be a hoax that was Shvarts' idea of elaborate "performance art."

Read the rest of the ASSOCIATED PRESS story HERE.

Re-establishing A Groove

Thursday morning and I am doing laundry and blogging. The laundry room in our apartment building sucks. It is dimly lit, only has two washers and two dryers that sort of work, and there's the added un-attraction of having to hang with a neighbor who may (or may not) be doing their laundry at the same time. SO, I am at a laundromat a short block away. I never knew the name of it until a month or two ago because it didn't have a sign. The fancy new sign says it is called Brendel's and is a European style laundry. They play Telemundo on the television and all their signs are bi-lingual, so I guess that's what they mean by European. They also have a card you can get stamped every time you use the triple load machines. 14 washes, and they give you three bucks. Fortunately, I have a thing for triple load washes and have made back nine dollars since using their services. I did just discover that they have free wi-fi, which is now a benchmark for whether or not I like a place. Or person. If you have free wi-fi, I like you.



HEY, WE OPEN NEXT WEEKEND!!!

Robot vs. Dinosaur Presents
The Greatest Stories Never Told . . . TOLD!

Chicago, IL (April 2008): Robot vs. Dinosaur presents the world premier of their sketch comedy show, The Greatest Stories Never Told . . . TOLD! beginning April 26 through May 11, Saturdays and Sundays at 4 pm, at Gorilla Tango Theatre, 1919 N. Milwaukee Ave., Chicago 60647. Tickets are $10; to purchase tickets call 773-598-4549 or visit www.gorillatango.com. The Greatest Stories Never Told . . . TOLD! is a whimsical look at stories of adventure, tall tales and fairy tales, blended together seamlessly into a unique piece that is a hybrid of sketch comedy and storytelling.

Three story lines are interwoven through the show as well as an eclectic mix of comic scenes that combined make for a multi-layered, engaging and fun theatrical experience. Audiences won’t have time to blink as stories and scenes move from one fantastic world to the next, giving this show a more unified feel than a typical sketch comedy revue.

“We’re trying to create a new kind of show here,” says director Chris Othic, a five-year veteran of the Chicago comedy scene. “We tried to focus on story telling as a medium for our comedy writing. It’s still sketch comedy, but we’ve written some fairly complex, narrative scenes and focused on the staging so that it feels a little more like a play. It’s an interesting mix and I think audiences will love it.”

“A large chunk of our material was performed in the 2007 Chicago Sketchfest, and we got a lot of positive feed back afterward,” Othic said. “We’ve expanded on that material and we’re really looking forward to bringing something new to the sketch comedy scene.”

I wrote one of the Tall Tales pieces and have stuck my nose in about everything, so come see my piece and the tip of my nose. There's a lot of good stuff in this. Solid writing and solid performances.


AUDITIONS ARE THIS WEEKEND FOR METALUNA!!!

WNEP Theater announces auditions for Metaluna and the Amazing Science of the Mind Revue, by Joe Janes and directed by Jen Ellison. Metaluna will be produced at A Red Orchid Theatre, July 17 - August 16. Auditions will take place April 19 & 20, 10am - 4pm at the Peter Jones Gallery ( 1806 W. Cuyler, 2nd Floor). Please prepare 2 minutes of anything: Magic tricks, cooking tips, personal stories, a monologue, etc. To schedule an audition time, please send an email to auditions@wneptheater.org. You may also schedule an audition by calling 773/552-3133 on April 8th, 12pm - 5pm (Calls at any other time will not be accepted.) Walk-ins are welcome, though we cannot guarantee a time for you.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, while sitting near the bar in Orlando, I asked...

"Kidegaarden, a nursing home in Denmark, provides a service some people in that country are protesting. It is what?"

16% said "VIP express line in the cafeteria"
- Yah. Think it through. Do you really want to be first in line for creamed corn?

8% said "Geriatric beauty contests"
- The swimsuit contest would be frightening enough. I would be more annoyed that the answer to the "How do you solve the world's problem?" questions would all be "What? Speak up!"

No one went for "Conjugal visits with spouses"
- Create your own mental image for that one.

75% got it right with "Arranging prostitutes"

According to Bloomberg.com, when a male resident at Kildegaarden nursing home in Denmark made an indecent sexual proposal to a member of the staff, the home's director, Inger Marie Kristensen, told a nurse to telephone for a prostitute. ``There was a considerable change in his demeanor after the escort girl had paid him a visit,'' Kristensen said in an interview. ``We do this for our clients just as we offer them other services that they need as human beings.'' That, my friends, is a case of people dealing with people like they were, well, people. I wonder if Medicare covers a good crank yanking.

Orlando in Bloom

Hey!

Sorry I have been absent from my bloggerly duties. Schedule and lack of free wi-fi are the culprits. I am in Orlando sort of working on a huge expo. I say "sort of" because the bulk of my work was done before I left and the only on-site thing I had to do live was Sunday afternoon. So, it's been more like a mini paid vacation. Julie was able to take a few days off and came down with me. She flies back this morning and I fly back this evening.

Here are a few things I have learned on this trip...

- No matter when I come to Orlando, it is either rainy or cold. They have had record lows at night here and it's been in the 60's during the day. Not pool weather at all.

- I loved Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. We got the express passes, which ROCK. Express passes allow you to jump ahead in line. We got free passes and were able to get express passes for only another $25. Well worth it. It made seeing both parks more doable. It also pointed up the similarities of all the thrill rides (Spider-man and The Mummy are must sees. Or must-dos.) By mid-afternoon, we were a little burnt out on the thrill rides. If you want the Universal thrill ride experience, for $25, I will strap you in a chair, spray water in your face, blow on your neck, and knock your chair around.Every thrill ride featured water and whiplash.

- No matter how old you are, you can still enjoy the hell out of whatever you are doing. I met Ken Schmidt who helped turn Harley-Davidson around in the 80's. The dude must be around 60, looked great, and loves motorcycles. It was infectious. I've never been a bike fan, but am more likely to become one after meeting this guy. And last night, REO Speedwagon played at the closing event. These guys haven't had a hit in two decades, but you could tell they really were jamming and enjoying themselves. I had a good time at the concert. i actually called friends and held up the cellphone towards the stage to catch the music. It probably sounded like I was calling them from underwater.

- It's okay for men to get pedicures.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Last Friday, I asked...

"The Thomas Jefferson Center for the Protection of Free Speech gave a 'Lifetime Muzzle' award to whom?"

28% said "FEMA for staging a fake news conference"
- Not so much a press conference as an infomercial for FEMA.

7% said "Cop who complained about a woman yelling at her toilet"
- He was really more concerned about the potential abuse than the overheard profanity.

No one thought it was "The NY DMV for wanting a 'GETOSAMA' vanity plate back"

A whopping 64% got it right with "The FCC for applying inconsistent and arbitrary standards of indecency"

According to Reuters, The Thomas Jefferson Center for the Protection of Free Expression gave their annual "muzzle" awards to violators including police who charged a woman for swearing at her overflowing toilet, and a motor vehicles department that deemed a "GETOSAMA" license plate offensive. And it gave a "Lifetime Muzzle" to the Federal Communications Commission for years of applying what it said were inconsistent or arbitrary standards of indecency on the airwaves. Fucking assholes.

For the record...

Chinos - are pants made from a tough cotton cloth, like khakis.

Khakis - see chinos

Dungarees - are pants or overalls made of blue denim

Blue Jeans or Jeans - also pants made of denim

In referring to trousers, you may also consider these words: bloomers, breeches, britches, chaps, cords, corduroys, denims, knickers, pantaloons, rompers, slacks.

Oh, and George W. Bush is the worst. president. ever. What's sad and infuriating is that he is so dense and filled with denial that I don't think he gets that or will ever get that. And the democrats aren't stopping him and our soldiers are dying for a war that the majority of us do not, and never did, support. Every day, five U.S. soldiers in Iraq try to kill themselves. But Bush says we (meaning "he") must win this war that is now in its sixth year. I love this country, but do we have to be such douche bags to the rest of the world. And do we have to be dumping trillions of dollars into an unnecessary war while our own infrastructure and middle class economy crumble?

And, by the way, I prefer Levis. Classic. Straight cut. Let them fade the old-fashioned way. by washing 'em.


ROBOWRITERS

Working on a scene? Want some honest and constructive feedback? Want to work on a scene, but don't know what to write? Come to Robowriters, my friend. Saturdays at 1pm at Gorilla Tango, 1919 North Milwaukee. $5. Good times.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUE!!!

My sister is having a birthday today. She is the oldest of four siblings and the only girl. We made her life hell.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I wrote...

"A species of frog has been discovered in Thailand and is unique for not having what?"

42% said "Sex organs"
- Nope. Froggy's still got his junk.

42% said "Tongue"
- And if the junk wasn't working, he's still got his tongue.

Nobody said "The ability to sing "The Michigan Rag""

16% got it right with "Lungs"

According to the Associated Press, Thai scientists say a frog has been found in a remote part of Indonesia that has no lungs and breathes through its skin, a discovery that researchers said Thursday could provide insight into what drives evolution in certain species. They are described as "..."flat and have eyes that float above the water. They have skin flaps coming off their arms and legs." I think they just described my Aunt Lucy.

Yep

Pizza puffs creep me out.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In an effort to preserve the rainforest, the government of Brazil announced it will begin producing what?"

62% said "Rainforest Hunting Parties"
- Why hunt when you can just raze?

12% said "Rainforest Jerky"
- Mmmm, teriyaki toucan.

No one went for "Rainforest Granola"

26% got it right with "Rainforest Condoms"

According to BBC News, the Brazilian government has begun producing condoms using rubber from trees in the Amazon. The health ministry says the move will help preserve the largest rainforest in the world. The new state-run factory is in the north-western state of Acre, and will initially produce 100 million condoms a year, which will be known by the name Natex.

Natex? Come on Brazil! Sexy it up a bit. How about Monkey Love Glove? The Boa Constrictor? Sloth Cloth?

Trek This Way

I don't consider myself a Trekkie, but I probably know too much about Star Trek to effectively shoot down the accusation. Did you know Mr. Spock's first name is Roger? That Kirk had a lovechild with an alien waitress on Nimbus 3 and that child grew up to be gassy brown cloud that tried to eat the universe? That the voice of the computer on the Enterprise isn't a computer at all, but actually the voice of an actress? Yes. I know these things.

And I got a big kick out of this when I found it on-line. Especially the saxophone player.





I used to have that album. The real deal on vinyl. Great ice-braker at parties. Well, ice-braker at the beginning of the party, great way to clear the place out at the end of the night.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The Wheeling Island Casino in West Virginia is getting with the times by giving away what?"

50% said "Health insurance"
- Nope. Too rich for their blood!

No one went for "Free mansion" or "Groceries for life"
- People bet against the house AND the groceries.

The other 50% got it right with "Tanker of gas"

According to the Associated Press, the Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack is giving away a tanker of fuel. One lucky person will win about 9,000 gallons of gas or $15,000 in cash on April 18. And with the price of gasoline at a record $3.41 a gallon in the Mountain State, the petrol could be worth almost $31,000.

Sadly, you don't actually win a tanker, but gift cards for the 9,000 gallons of gas. I smell lawsuit. I would demand all the gas all at once and keep it in my driveway. Then I would sell gallons for a buck less than the gas station. Of course, I could just re-sell the gift cards, but I love the smell of gasoline and if I get bored, I can set it on fire. I am an American.

The Make-A-Death Wish Foundation

This from the Columbia Chronicle...

"If gun dealer Eric Thompson had his way, college students would carry more than just books.

In his vision, the next college shooter is thwarted by a student armed with one of Thompson’s guns—averting a massacre, saving lives.

Thompson’s Internet-based business, TGSCOM Inc., sold weapons to the shooters at both Northern Illinois and Virginia Tech universities. First, he said, he felt grief for the victims. Then, a sense of resolve. Not to stop selling guns, but to advocate for guns on campus.

“The perfect situation is that nothing ever happens like that again,” Thompson said. “... But in a last-ditch scenario, you are able to protect yourself.”

Now he is partnering with Students for Concealed Carry on Campus, a national group that next month will hold an “empty-holster” protest against university gun-free zones. Thompson will donate holsters to the group, adding a high-profile touch to a small but growing push for guns on campus.

Students for Concealed Carry on Campus, born after Virginia Tech, has grown to 22,000 members. And at least 14 states are considering legislation to allow concealed weapons."

You can read the rest of the article HERE.

This is, of course, a brilliant idea that I wholeheartedly, salivatingly endorse! You fight fire with fire. You stop violence with violence. And as this country has clearly demonstrated, you can only end war with more war. This is America, people! We have the right to bear arms and the right to education. Those are probably the only two left. Guns and ammo should be included with tuition.

And way to go, Mr. Thompson, on taking a bad situation and putting a smile on it. He has taken lemons and made bullets. And those bullets are for sale.

In Thompson and Concealed Carry's ideal state, mentally disturbed shooters would get a taste of their own lead-based medicine from students defending themselves. The only people who will get injured in this scenario are the ones who fail to duck in the crossfire. And, really, if you are not shooting back, you are a part of the problem.

What's even better, we can eliminate the loose canons before they even fire across our educational bow. We know the signs. Loner, video tapes himself a lot, wears black overcoats in the summer. Bad complexion. Never touched a woman's breast. Can be seen taking notes during Quinten Tarantino movies. You see one of them on their way to their "D and D" club, you are well within your right to pre-emptively defend yourself against that hormonal bomb.

I think we would also see a dramatic increase in the grade point average of college students. I know I will probably rate your work higher knowing that at any moment fifteen guns could be trained on my head. Date rapes would also go down in numbers as trips to the emergency room increase for a different kind of "painful discharge."

And thank God these students are organizing and protesting something really important to all of us. No point in protesting an illegal war. Those guys get to carry guns openly. I might join in on this protest, if only to get the free holster. I just don't like how my cellphone makes my front pocket bulge.

Of course, I would be remiss and a disappointment to Don Hall if I didn't tell Eric Thompson and Concealed Carry that they are a bunch of ignorant, volatile douchebags with the foresight and brains of a blind, rabid pit bull. If they have their way, they will cause many more unnecessary violent deaths than they prevent. I would like to shove their guns into their body's own backdoor holster. You may all, indeed, suck my balls.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The United Arab Emirates, as a part of the Mazayin Dhafa festival, will be hosting a beauty contest for what?"

8% said "Buildings"
- "And here we have the Ahmed Savings and Loan in a Giorgio Armani two-piece swimsuit..."

8% said "Automobiles"
- "Keeping the chic in sheik, is this shimmering stretch Hummer..."

8% said "Mansions"
- "Who knew Assam's east wing could play the flute so well?"

75% got it right with "Camels"

According to the BBC, ten thousand camels will be fluttering their long eyelashes in a unique international beauty pageant being held in the United Arab Emirates. The contest in Abu Dhabi is one of the richest and biggest events of its kind, with more than $9m (£4.5m; 5.8m euros) and 100 cars in prizes up for grabs. Organisers hope it will remind Emiratis of traditional desert values.

Traditional values. You know, like making your camel look pretty for money.