Obama/Clinton - the ticket, the scene

The other day, Richard Reinert bravely posted a sketch he wrote in the comments section. I say that's brave because it's a vulnerable thing to do. He's opened himself for feedback, even though he didn't ask for any. His desire is to see this piece he wrote performed. If you're interested in putting it up, shoot him an e-mail.

The idea is timely and fun. It's a "what if" scene about an Obama/Clinton ticket coming to fruition and being celebrated at the inaugural ball.

My comments are after the scene.



Obama and Clinton -What a Ticket! - A Political Parody
By Richard Reinert
Email: rilare@hotmail.com

The Scene: President Barack Obama and Vice President Hillary Clinton and their spouses are attending a formal dance in the White House. Presidents Obama and Clinton are dressed in tuxedos. Michelle Obama is wearing a backless evening gown with a slit that shows off her legs. VP Clinton is wearing a black pantsuit. Two guests are chatting with their backs to the camera. The camera zooms slowly in on Michelle and Bill as the guests whisper to each other.

Guest No. 1: I agree, this is a lovely event.
No. 2: Yes, I really like the music chosen by the First Lady. It’s so “American.”
No. 1: And who knew she could dance like that!
No. 2: Bill Clinton too!
No. 1: Who knew?
No. 2: Well, I think the President knew.
No. 1: Which president?
No. 2: It is confusing, I must admit.
No. 1: Not to Michelle and Bill.
No. 2: Yes, they seem to be getting along real well. By the way did you hear the title they gave Bill?
No 1: No. What is it?
No. 2: Second Gentleman. I hear he isn’t too happy with it.

(Bill slides his hand a little down Michelle’s back. She smiles and moves his hand up.)

No. 1: Look at that!
No. 2: Well, I never! And they said this combination wouldn’t work. Huh! So much for political gurus!
No. 1: Things are quiet enough now but there’s going to be some mighty big fireworks later tonight.
No. 2: It’s not the Fourth of July. Where are these fireworks?
No. 1: How about upstairs and Number One Observatory Circle?
No. 2: Oh, dear. Do you think we should alert the Secret Service?
No. 1: What, you think they haven’t noticed?
No. 2: Maybe it’s time to call Al Gore. He’ll know what to do.
No. 1: Forget it. He’s in the Gansu Province of China.
No. 2: What’s he doing there?
No. 1: I understand he is saving the Giant Panda from extinction.

(During this, Barack and Hillary are discussing nuclear missiles and China but they have had a hard time concentrating since they take occasional peeks at their spouses. An aide runs over to them.)


AIDE: Mr, President and Mrs. Vice President, the Prime minister of Iran wants to meet with both of you ASAP.

THE PRESIDENT: Damn! Can’t it wait?

HILLARY: Yes, please do tell him I’m exhausted. Tell him to come to the White House tomorrow about noon, won’t you? Bill and I have to get back to Number One Observatory Circle right away. I have a few important issues to discuss with him.

THE PRESIDENT: I’m busy too.

AIDE: I don’t know if it can wait very long Mr. President and Mrs. Vice President. He says that the Israelis are bombing his country.

THE PRESIDENT: Oh, what of it? I’m a little tired of having to straighten things out between those two. He is starting to annoy me. McCain was right. I should never sat down with him. Listen, the Vice President and I have more important things to attend to tonight. Don’t you agree, Hillary? Just tell that Iranian he has to wait until tomorrow.

AIDE: Yes sir, I’ll tell him but it’s not exactly something we should put off very long.

HILLARY: Yes, We have some domestic issues to take care of tonight! Like right now!

(President Obama approaches Michelle and Bill from one direction. Hillary comes from the other side. President Obama and Vice President Clinton are each accompanied by several large Secret Service men who glare menacingly at their opposite set.)

THE PRESIDENT: It’s time to go, Michelle.

MICHELLE: All right Obama. Let’s say goodnight properly to Bill and the First Lady.

(Before they leave the ballroom, Bill Clinton and Michelle Obama give each other a slightly long and seemingly intimate hug. Hillary and Barack shake hands quite formally as they look on at Bill and Michelle with obvious displeasure. They all part company, Secret Service men in tow. As they leave, Bill Clinton turns and calls out to Michelle.)

BILL: Oh hey, Michelle, don’t forget tomorrow. Hillary and Obama each have some important State business so I guess it’s just you and me at that ball they are holding for us in Charleston tomorrow.

MICHELLE: Thanks for reminding me Bill. It should be lots of fun.

BILL: What dress will you wear?

MICHELLE: Oh, I don’t know. Do you have any suggestions, Bill?

BILL: Well, now, I like that smoky see-through number you wore to the reception in Hawaii last week.

THE PRESIDENT: Hawaii? What Reception?

MICHELLE: Okay Bill, but only because you like it.

THE PRESIDENT: Let’s go Michelle. It’s a school night and the kids have to get up early.

HILLARY: Come on Bill, get a move on.

(As the couple separate the Secret Service agents followed both. The President closes the door on them and when the President and Michelle are alone, the conversation resumes)

MICHELLE: Barack, you seem upset. Is it about Hawaii? I told you about the Hawaii reception but you were too busy to even notice that I was gone.

BARACK: Forget Hawaii. Did you think I wouldn’t notice what you and that old windbag were doing tonight?

MICHELLE: Why Barack, we were just dancing. Do I detect a green-eyed monster? Bill and I were just fulfilling our diplomatic duties as First Lady being polite to a former President. Really Barack, we were just dancing.

BARACK: Michelle, I would call that dance you were doing with him a lot more than diplomatic. You should have you were shaking your thing. And he had his hands all over you!

MICHELLE: Now Barack, you are being just plain silly.

BARACK: Silly? It’s not silly when one’s wife spends the evening cuddling up to an old white man like him.

(Michelle puts her hand around his neck and kisses him on the cheek.)

MICHELLE: You know you’re the number one President in my life and you always will be. Although I do admit I like his white hair and that cherry red nose of his is kind of cute too.

BARACK: White hair? Cherry red-nose? You’re giving me white hair and I’m sorry but I don’t think my nose will ever be cherry-red! While I’m trying to keep the world free of terrorists, you’re snuggling up to an old has-been. That’s what he is! A has-been!

MICHELLE: Come on honey; let’s get some rest. Please relax while I check on the kids.

(She leaves and the President picks up the telephone.)

(Scene switches to Hillary and Bill)

BILL: Hillary, Michelle looked pretty fine tonight, don’t you think? That dress was snazzy on her.

(Hillary is steamed up.)

HILLARY: Yeah, she wears sexy gowns and I have to wear these stupid pants suits! I’m fed up with high necklines and pants suits while she looks ”snazzy!”

BILL: Now, now, Hillary, honey, you looked great tonight too. You look just fine in pants suits. Okay, Michelle has a nice figure and she looked pretty good in that dress but you look better, at least to me. Honest honey, I really mean it. I really do.

HILLARY: Bill, don’t give me that political line in that Southern drawl you use when you try to sound sincere. You’re a moron if you don’t know that I see what’s going on between you two! Did you have to give her a big kiss in front of everyone while Barack and I have to deal with more important matters. We are trying to keep the world safe for democracy while you flirt with his wife. I saw you your hand on her back.

BILL: Now, now, Hillary, I didn’t do anything inappropriate. I was being polite.

HILLARY: You call that polite? I suppose you were being polite with Monica too!

BILL: Now honey, that happened a long time ago and you promised not to bring it up again when I agreed to let you run for President.

HILLARY: What did you say? You let me run for president? Listen to me Bill! If you had behaved yourself, I would be the President! And you wouldn’t be the Second Gentleman!

(Back to Barack and Michelle.)

BARACK: (Speaking on the telephone.) Yes, get me the Secretary of State. He waits ... Don’t you know who this is? … No, I don’t care if he has gone to bed. Get him out of bed and on the line right away.

(As he waits, Michelle returns to the room)

MICHELLE: Barack, what are you doing on the telephone. Who are you calling?

BARACK: The Secretary of State.

MICHELLE: Barack, it’s past midnight. Can’t it wait until the morning?

BARACK: No. I just made a big decision..

BARACK: Hello, John, this is the President – President Obama. Yes I now it’s late. … No, it can’t wait. Tomorrow, you will announce that Bill Clinton will be the next U.S. ambassador to Tadzhikistan.. …

Have I asked him? No, but He won’t turn it down. He will like the scenery there. Call a press conference for tomorrow at 7 AM. …I don’t give a damn about procedure. Just do it!

MICHELLE: Barack, I think this is affecting your judgement. Let’s go to bed.

BARACK: Right now I need a smoke. (He goes to the door, opens it and calls.) Do any of you guys out there have a cigarette? No, not menthol! Geez, it was never like this on “The West Wing!”

Curtain

Richard Reinert
Email: rilare@hotmail.com


- My suggestion Richard is that you just focus on the split scene between the two couples. It's a great idea. Skip the guests, skip the ball, cut to the heart of the scene. And I like that Bill flirted with Michelle, but the trip to Hawaii without the others knowing about it is a bit of a stretch in logic. I think focusing on Bill's advances, misinterpreted or not, is the way to go. I would also like to see more distinction between the couples. How do they differ in how they get ready for bed, for example. How do they really feel about Hillary being vice-president and Bill being second gentleman? I think there's more to explore there. I love that Hillary has a formal pant suit that she wears.

Another scene to explore that your scene hints at is a scene between Bill and Michelle. A scene where Hillary and Barack have to leave the other two alone in the Oval Office and Bill starts trying to seduce Michelle. Hell, the Oval Office is his old stomping grounds. That could be a lot of fun, too.

- Picky stuff - It's not a parody. This is a matter of semantics (damn Arabs!). A parody imitates something else very specifically, like a West Wing parody. This falls more into satire territory. You're showing the human consequences of an Obama/Clinton ticket.

Also, there's a section where you say that Barack and Hillary are discussing nuclear missiles and China and are interrupted. Well, script that. Otherwise, you are pimping the actors into having to make stuff up, which means you might get something that doesn't fit and changes the focus of the whole scene. "So, Hillary, did you hear about China bombing Delaware? That was something. Happened around 3am. I should have called you."


Thanks for posting your scene, Richard, If anyone else has feedback for Richard, or is interested in using the scene, please post it in the comments section or e-mail him. For feedback, be constructive. Don't be a dick. It's not helpful.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The person recently named the ambassador of Japan tourism is who?"

18% said "George Takei"
- Probably wouldn't work. I heard he doesn't like sushi.

9% said "Hulk Hogan"
- Visit Japan. And an old bald man in a doo rag whose fifteen minutes were up fifteen years ago.

No one thought it might be "Godzilla"
- He's always destroying Tokyo, so it would be a good way to get tourists to see the rest of the country.

72% got it right with "Hello Kitty"

According to The Associated Press, the tourism ministry of Japan on Monday named Hello Kitty as its choice to represent the country in China and Hong Kong, two places where she is wildly popular among kids and young women. Hello Kitty is very popular and this should really boost the number of visitors to Japan. Until she hacks up a furball or paparazzi catch her licking herself or pooping in the sand on the beach.

Mono Logs

ROBOWRITERS ASSIGNMENT

Blackouts are often used to pepper a sketch revue and give it some unexpected bursts of energy. Another short form is the comic monologue. It tends to create intimate moments with the audience that help build a special rapport with them. It also gives individual members of an ensemble a moment to shine.

If you don't already have a comic character rolling around in your noggin, it's easy and fun to create one. My favorite method is to just springboard off the suggestion of a word. The word can come from anywhere. At Robowriters, a few of us had "to go" coffee cups from an evil national chain restaurant who doesn't need me to give them a plug. These cups are loaded with pithy slogans as well as the usual "by law" coffee cup messages. The writers were told to look the cup over and pick a word. Simple as that.

Once you have the word, the wheels in your head will start turning. You can use the word literally. If the word is "caution," the character can be a crossing guard. You can also use the word to influence the character, like, they have an extremely cautious outlook on life.

Now that you have the word, write from the character's perspective as if they simply walked out on stage and introduced themselves to the crowd. Explore who they are; what their name is, what they do for a living, who their friends and relatives are, what they love, what they hate, etc. And, yes, pack as much of that as you can into ten minutes. You don't need much more than that.

Once you stop, read it over. Read it out loud, if you can. Listen for what and who is really important to your character. Our cautious crossing guard has an overbearing mother and deeply wants to move to Portland, Oregon to sell art on the sidewalk.

Now, write another monologue, again, only giving yourself about ten minutes, where the character is pouring their heart out to another character that is silent. So, it's as if our crossing guard has sat her mother down and said "I have to tell you something." The person they are talking to should be someone they have an emotional charge with. It'[s not very dramatically interesting for them to talk to their buddy about their boss when the boss is the bigger risk to confront.

Now you have something you can shape and rewrite into a performable piece.

In developing the final version,there are three forms to keep in mind.

The monologue can still be just the character talking to the audience. These can be a bit confessional, but it is like they are taking the audience into their confidence. The character still needs to want something and can use the audience to help them process their thinking or demonstrate the depths of their want. The character should also be engaged in an activity. In this case, our crossing guard could be suiting up and getting ready. Or at work, talking to us as she holds out her stop sign to cars. The activity should give us some insight into their lives.

The character can be speaking to another actor who is silent, but present. One of the Robowriters wrote a scene about a character trying to make a friend on the bus. In that case, I think it's important that we see the intended friend trying to read their paper and squirming a bit as this person drops big hints about stuff they could do together.

The third way is the classic monologue style of the character addressing another character as if they were out floating over the audience. The imagined character is the fourth wall, in this case, and we see the real character in all their vulnerability trying to get what they want that only that person can provide.

It's important to make the wants clear and deeply felt. Get to the basic human wants of to be seen, heard, touched and loved to find out what your character wants from someone else.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Last Friday, I asked...

"The Barclay Prime restaurant in Philadelphia serves a $100 entre made up of what?"

22% said "Mac and Cheese"
- Mac and Cheese for a hundred bucks. It would have to served on Madonna's backside and spoon fed to me by Paris Hilton.

11% said "SpaghettiO's"
- The can costs more than the little O's of goodness.

No one thought it was "Cat Food"

67% got it right with "Cheesesteak"

According to CBS 3 in Philadelphia, Chef James Locascio, of Rittenhouse Square's Barclay Prime, has created Philadelphia's "haute" cheesesteak, an upscale version of the sandwich that includes butter poached lobster and shaved truffles.

To get top of the line ingredients, Locascio says it costs $17 per pound for cheese, $21 per pound for Kobe beef and $900 per pound for summer truffles.

So who buys the costly sandwich?

On average, five or six customers order it per night and many share it as an appetizer.

Locascio says, "It all adds up, a quarter of a million dollars a year in cheesesteaks is pretty good."

Okay, and this is from the vegetarian, if you add lobster and truffles to it, IT AIN'T A CHEESESTEAK!

Come back tomorrow...

Hey, folks,

Sorry, but I have been out in Deerfield, Illinois shooting some corporate videos and that had me up at the crack of dawn. So...no update today. But tomorrow I'll have some goodies, including a new Robowriters assignment.

Peace Out,

Joe

FREEDOM!

Thank God! The City of Chicago has finally repealed its ban on foie gras. For two years, now, according to Mayor Daley, the ban has damaged our city's reputation in international dining circles. That's right. For two years, people have been sitting in circles over in France and snootily deriding the city's ban on what many bleeding hearts consider an exceptionally cruel process. Actually consuming bleeding hearts, perhaps on toast, is what the Illinois Restaurant Association has wanted to do because of the ban.

Foie gras, French for "fatty liver," is produced by force-feeding geese and ducks -- by jamming a steel pipe down a bird’s esophagus three times a day for a month -- to create livers 10 times their normal size. By the time the process is over, the birds can barely walk, let alone breathe. It's believed that the staggering and wheezing are what give foie gras its delightfully savory tinge.

No restaurant has suffered a blow to their income because of the ban. I take that back. One restaurant, T.G.I.Foie Gras's, had to stop selling their signature line of goose liver nuggets. The repeal was forced through the city council without debate. Chicago can now, once again, hold its head high in international circles and belch a fatty, force-fed belch.

Enjoy your foie gras, Mayor Daley.





It goes well with veal.



I AM NOT ASHAMED

My friends Pete and Paul over at The Graffiti Table posted this a few days ago and I have been shouting its praises from the rooftops. A practice which may lead to my eviction from my apartment. But, damn, it's funny.






THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A 9-year-old girl in Athens, Greece recently discovered her twin where?"

15% said "In a painting"
- No, Rod Serling. It wasn't in a painting. The Night Gallery is closed.

No one said "On a missing poster" or "In school"

85% got it right with "In her stomach"

According to The Associated Press, a 9-year-old girl who went to hospital in central Greece suffering from stomach pains was found to be carrying her embryonic twin, doctors said Thursday.

The girl has made a full recovery, he said.

Andreas Markou, head of the hospital's pediatric department, said the embryo was a formed fetus with a head, hair and eyes, but no brain or umbilical cord.

Regardless, the parents have already bought the twins matching pink jumpers.

The Legend of Pecos Bill

Robot vs Dinosaur did a flurry of writing for The Greatest Stories Never Told. I was lucky to get one of my pieces in retelling the tall tale of Pecos Bill. I actually wrote two or three years ago for a Teatro Bastardo project. It's quite an undertaking and not an easy fit for a typical sketch revue. It worked just fine in TGSNT, though. I had fun researching it. I knew the Disney version of Pecos Bill, but didn't know about his tendency towards drinking whiskey and nails or that he shot his gal pal - for her own good, of course. Enjoy.

The Legend of Pecos Bill
Written by Joe Janes
third draft

CAST

Young Whizzle
Dirk /Widowmaker
Jaspar /Catfish
Durango/Moon
Pecos Bill
Slue-foot Sue


(Lights up on cowboys around a campfire. Young Whizzle tools around with a harmonica.)

DIRK

Good riding today, boys. But we’re going to have to get up early if we’re going to get the cattle to Denver on time.

JASPAR

We still have to go through tornado alley, Dirk.

DURANGO

Too bad Pecos Bill ain’t here, Jasper. He’d grab a twister by the tail and whip it over to Tulsa.

JASPAR

Who in tarnation is Pecos Bill, Durango?

YOUNG WHIZZLE

He’s the dirtiest rat ever rode the range. He stole my gal and then he shot her.

DURANGO

Come on, Young Whizzle. Pecos Bill would never do that.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Be careful of falling in love, boys. Trying to tame a woman’s heart is like trying to break a wild horse.

DIRK

It just ends up breaking another part of your anatomy.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Have another cup of cowboy juice and let me tell you about it. You all remember about five years back, I was dating a little philly from up north. I was woo-ing her from afar. Her name was Sue. Slue-foot Sue.

DURANGO

Sure. I heard of her. She and Pecos Bill -

JASPAR

Why’d they call her Slue Foot?

DURANGO

Cuz her feet were slue-like. Idiot.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

You girlies want to talk pee-dahl deformities, or hear my story of pain and woe?

DURANGO AND JASPAR

Pain and woe.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Well, I finally talked Sue into coming to marrying me. Only, she didn’t have no horse, so, she found herself a catfish as big as a whale and rode it down the Mississipp. That’s where those feet of slue come in handy.

JASPAR

That don’t seem very practical. Trains and stagecoaches are fairly reliable.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

She never made it. She stopped to water her catfish, and who do you think she runs into…?

(Lights up on Pecos Bill and his horse, Widowmaker eyeing Slue-foot Sue.)

PECOS

Well, well, well. Lookie here, Widowmaker. We got us a little girlie what likes to ride catfish.

SLUE

Who the hell might you be?

PECOS

Maam, I be Pecos Bill. This here’s my ride, Widowmaker.

SLUE

Why do they call him Widowmaker?

PECOS

Oh, you know, some names just stick. (He and Widowmaker have a good laugh over this.)

SLUE

I bet I could ride him.

PECOS

He’d throw you so high we’d have to scrape that pretty little face of yours off the moon.

SLUE

I’ve been straddling a 300 pound slippery catfish between my legs for three days, I think I can handle your Widowmaker.

PECOS

Your prowess with a bottom feeder is impressive. Would you like to sip from my canteen? (He hands it to her. She sips.)

SLUE

My favorite. (She shakes it – it sounds like there’s pieces of metal inside.)

PECOS AND SLUE

Whiskey and nails.

(They sigh and look at one another.)

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Needless to say, they fell in love. Slue done forgot all about me. The catfish married them in a civil ceremony.

(Lights up on Catfish marrying Slue and Pecos with Widowmaker standing in as the best man.)

CATFISH

I now pronounce you cowboy and cowgirl. You may now commence to whoopin’ it up.

(Slue and Pecos and Widowmaker all start shooting their guns and commence to “whoopping.”)

YOUNG WHIZZLE

They whooped it up for weeks. Then one morning…

(Lights up on Slue, Pecos, Widowmaker and the Catfish all in bed.)

SLUE

Pecos, darlin’, it’s a pretty morning out.

PECOS

Uh-hunh.

SLUE

Nice morning to go for a ride.

PECOS

Uh-hunh.

SLUE

On a horse.

PECOS

I don’t know, Sue…

SLUE

You love that horse more than me.

PECOS

I’ve known him longer, but if it means that much to you…

SLUE

Yeah! Thank you, Bill! C’mon Widowmaker, we’re going for a ride!

(Sue leads Widowmaker behind a "hill" on stage.)

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Needless to say, it wasn’t a very good idear. Widowmaker was named Widowmaker for a reason. If anyone but Bill hopped on his back, he’d clench up. He’d become like a tightly wound spring ready to snap.

PECOS

Be careful up there, Sue. Ride him easy. Don’t use your spurs.

SLUE

Yee-haw!!! (Her elongated “yee-haw” fades off)

PECOS

Oh, no! Sue! Sue!

(Widow-maker runs back on stage and joins Pecos. They watch Slue - a small doll version - pop up behind the mountain and hit the moon and return to earth and bounce.)

PECOS (cont’d)

She’s bouncing too high, she hit her head on the moon.

MOON (whenever hit by Slue)

Ow…Ow…Ow…Ow…Ow…Ow…

SLUE (off)

Help me, Pecos Bill!

PECOS

She’s just going to keep bouncing. If I don’t do something, she’ll be up there forever. She’ll starve to death.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

So, to prevent Sue from starving to death, Pecos Bill thought it best to just shoot her.

JASPAR

That don’t seem very practical.

PECOS (taking aim)

Don’t worry, Slue. I’ll take care of you.

SLUE

Thank, God, Bill. I think there’s some rope- (he shoots) Ow!

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Now, Pecos Bill may be the greatest cowboy ever when it comes to ropin’ and herdin’ and tangling with twisters, but he was a lousy shot.

(Bill takes more shots at Slue and we hear her, and the moon, saying “Ow!” Widowmaker and Catfish join in trying to shoot her.)

YOUNG WHIZZLE (cont’d)

Eventually, one of them got lucky and Sue drew her last breath.

SLUE

…Ow…I love you, Pecos Bill.

JASPAR

The last thing she says is “I love you” to a guy who shot her for bouncing?

DURANGO

Women.

DIRK

Go figure.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

So, that’s why I think Pecos Bill is a lousy rat. He stole my gal from me and then he killed her. If I ever cross paths with him, well, it ain’t gonna end up purty.

(We hear a fierce wind. A twister hits the camp and the cowboys all start spinning around. It suddenly stops.)

DIRK

What in tarnation was that?

JASPAR

We got hit by a twister, but then it just, left.

DURANGO

Pecos Bill! He must have grabbed it by it’s tail and throwed it across the state. He saved our lives.

SLUE (enters)

It weren’t no Pecos Bill.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Sue! I thought you were dead. I thought Pecos Bill shot you.

SLUE

He did, but he’s a lousy shot. It didn’t kill me. A twister came through a few days later and knocked me back to the ground. Since then, I learnt to tame them.

JASPAR

You saved our lives.

SLUE

I reckon I did.

DURANGO

How can we repay you?

YOUNG WHIZZLE

I sure wouldn’t mind picking up where we left off, Sue.

SLUE

You can repay me by telling me where I can find Pecos Bill.

JASPAR

Ah, revenge!

SLUE

No, I still love him. I miss him horribly. I hope he’ll forgive me for making him shoot me.

(Dirk shoots her.)

DIRK

Women.

Lights out.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to Rev. Jose Funes, the Vatican says it's okay to believe in what?"

Nobody went for the answers "The Devil," "Mormans" or "Santa Claus"
100% got it right with "Extra-Terrestials"

According to The Associated Press, the Vatican's chief astronomer says that believing in aliens does not contradict faith in God.

The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, says that the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones.

Funes says that such a notion "doesn't contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God's creatures.

And being God's creatures that also means we get to eat them.




(Entitled Salad, this painting by Till Nowak was in the art exhibit side of Emerging Technologies.)

Picked Up

UPDATE ON WTF?

Chicago's city council heard the outcry on the outlandish proposal and have tabled the legislation for review. That doesn't mean it's over, but there's hope.

PICKED UP

The abundantly very talented John Pierson has put together a panel discussion for a show at the Nee-Futurarium about writing for televison. I'm on it. Come see it. Here's the low down from John...

Hey friends. At the neo-futurarium I am helping to sponsor a panel discussion after Picked Up's "The Mime" this Thursday with Schadenfreude, Joe Janes (from WNEP) and Dino Stamatopolous (LA writer of Mr. Show, Conan O'Brien, and Morel Orel.) I think it will be a cool night and it is pay-what-you-can. I think it will be interesting to any writers you know,actors, or improvisers. Please pass on this announcement.

THE NEO-FUTURISTS INVITE AUDIENCES TO WITNESS THE
FRUSTRATIONS AND ELATIONS OF BEING PICKED UP

Picked Up Panel Thursday, May 15, following the 8:00 p.m. performance of Picked Up at The Neo-Futurarium, 5153 N. Ashland. Tickets are pay-what-you-can for the performance and discussion.

For more information, visit <http://www.neofuturists.org/>www.neofuturists.org or call 773-275-5255

The Neo-Futurists announce a special panel discussion with DinoStamatopoulos, Joe Janes and comedy troupe Schadenfreude following the Thursday, May 15 performance of Picked Up. These successful comedy writers share their first-hand experiences with the television sitcom machine and controlled chaos of the writers' room. Hear stories of sitcom babies being killed or burned alive then rising again in the ashes of their very own afterbirth. Bring questions for these hosts and have them properly answered, or at least creatively evaded. After the discussion, Stamatopoulos will show his sitcom pilot, Saturday TV Funhouse, co-createdby Robert Smigel, which was produced but never 'picked up'.

Picked Up The last prime-time show of The Neo-Futurists' 2007/2008 season is a series of six never-before-seen television pilots performed live onstage. Dean Evans, Jay Torrence and Ryan Walters lead a team of skilled comedy writers in a genuine attempt to create the best TV pilot ever. All shows are framed by the perspective of the writer struggling to exist in the television business. The pilot being 'aired' on May 15 is The Mime, in which a reluctant superhero mime artist takes on the mafia by thinking outside of the box. "Don't do the crime if you can't face the mime."

Dino Stamatopoulos is an American television comedy writer, actor and producer who has worked on Mr. Show, The Ben Stiller Show, TV Funhouse, MadTV, The Dana Carvey Show, Late Night with David Letterman, and Late Night with Conan O'Brien. He was nominated for an Emmy in 1998 for "Outstanding Writing for a Variety or Music Program" and in 1999 for "Outstanding Music and Lyrics." His current project is Moral Orel on Adult Swim.

Joe Janes is the Improv Program Coordinator and a part-time faculty member of the theater department at Columbia College. He is a founding member of the WNEP Theater Foundation, Teatro Bastardo, and Robot vs Dinosaur -Chicago. For Second City, he has been a member of the national touring company, a director of the national Touring Company, Second City-Detroit and Second City-Las Vegas, and has taught for the training center since 1997. He is a playwright and an Emmy Award-winning writer of a children's show in Cincinnati.

Schadenfreude, formed in 1997, has performed sketch comedy at countless venues around the world including The Goodman Theatre, The Second City,Steppenwolf, Lollapalooza, ImprovOlympic, ComedySportz, the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre (LA), Area 51 (LA), HERE (NYC), the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and the Chicago Improv Festival, where they were the first group to receive the "Festival Highlight Award." The company's multimedia brand reaches across numerous platforms including a weekly show on Chicago Public Radio (2003-05), film and even cell phone downloads via Sprint PCS. Schadenfreude is currently in the process of selling their screenplay Alderman, which was picked up for representation by Endeavor Talent. They also are in the beginning stages of independently producing their movie Phudie Mart, and they recently finished a TV pilot for WTTW called IL-Informed.

THE NEO-FUTURISTS The Neo-Futurists, performers of Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind and creators of over 60 other original, full-length productions, are a collective of wildly productive writer/director/performers who create immediate, non-illusory, interactive and head-slappingly affordable performances.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The GOP's new slogan - 'Change You Deserve' - is also the slogan of what?"

50% said "Pampers diapers"
- Given the age of their presidential candidate, it should be Depends.

No one went for "The 700 Club" or "Laundromat quarter machines"

50% got it right with "Effexor - an anti-depressant"

According to The Huffington Post, Republicans will counter the Democratic push for change from the years of the Bush administration with their own pledge to deliver, drum roll please, "the change you deserve."

What the GOP doesn't seem to realize, because they are idiots, is that "the change you deserve" is the registered advertising slogan of Effexor XR, a drug that many of you might have started taking as a result of all the...you know -- terrorism.

Actually, I think this is an intentional and calculated move on the part of the GOP. Given how deep they wade in the money from health(s)care companies, they are probably getting a billion dollar kick back. This also means their campaign ads will have to disclose possible side effects.

Voting republican may cause an aversion to science, reason, poor people, universal health care and may cause suicidal thinking (in others). And dry mouth.

Weber, Rooney and York

WTF, DEPT.

I just heard about this a few minutes ago and am still trying to wrap my head around it. Apparently, the Chicago City Council is considering legislation TOMORROW without any public discourse that could severely cripple the ability for small music venues, such as Double Door, to do business.

Find out more about it and what you can do by going to Save Chicago Culture and leaving a comment.



RAW (nothing to do with wrestling or unpasteurized milk)

WNEP presents an evening of short works generated by my friends from Write Club. It starts tonight and only runs three evenings. I can't wait to see it. Tuesdays at 8PM - May 13, 20 and 27, 2008. Tickets are $5.00 at the door. PETER JONES GALLERY, 1806 W. Cuyler, 2nd fl.




WEBER, ROONEY AND YORK

Here it is. The ten-minute play I wrote last week for the Columbia College 24-hour Play Festival (shh- It's actually 26). I did something unusual for me. I specifically call for music from Combustible Edison. Not just specific songs, but even what part of the song to use. I don't recommend writers do this. If someone is considering the piece and they have no idea who the band is or what the songs are like, it's a good enough reason to toss you in the "no" pile. A smarter thing to do - and I am not always inclined to do the smarter thing - is to say "we hear music like Combustible Edison's "Bluebeard," a 1960's-esque bassa nova. It's less alienating to the reader and gives them an idea of what it may sound like.

(Blogger is being temperamentally inconsistent today in its "bold" duties. The fluctuation between bold and unbold in the script is indicative of nothing.)


Weber, Rooney and York
Written by Joe Janes
joejanes1065@comcast.net (773) 531-1792

CAST:
Sheldon – mid-30’s
Mr. Padveen – 40’s – 50’s
Lila – mid-20’s

The play takes place in an office in the late 1950s.

(Lights up as we hear the first thirty seconds of “Lonelyville” by Combustible Edison. It is an office with two desks. Sheldon is sitting at his desk upstage left. The other, downstage right, is empty. He is wearing a dark business suit. He sits with a large open book on his desk but stares out, not looking at it. The book is non-descript; it could be a dictionary or a law book. He looks troubled. The phone rings. He is startled. It rings two more times before he picks it up.)

SHELDON

Weber, Rooney and York. Sheldon speaking. How may I help you?...Oh. Hello, Jasmina…But, but…Well, Tuesday night is puzzle night…Of course…Of course…That seems rather late for a beauty parlor appointment, doesn’t it?…I’m just commenting…You have a good time, then…I will…Don’t be surprised if the lighthouse is finished by the time you get home (forces a laugh)…NO, no. I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t finish it without you, Jasmina… (She hangs up) Okay, then-…Bye-bye.

(Sheldon hangs up the phone. Slowly turns a page of the book and continues to stare off. Mr. Padveen enters with Lila. They are also dressed in business attire.)

MR. PADVEEN

Sheldon…

SHELDON

What!?!

MR. PADVEEN

Easy, Sheldon…Easy…You’ll scare away the new hire…

SHELDON

I’m sorry Mr. Padveen. I was just – Just –

MR. PADVEEN

It’s okay. Maybe I should wear a bell around my neck. Like a cat (He laughs). This is Lila Quigley. Treat her nice, would ya’?

SHELDON

How do you do?

LILA

Hi.

MR. PADVEEN

Get her all set up, Sheldon. I’ll check in on you later, Lila.

(He exits. Sheldon and Lila stand for an awkward moment.)

LILA

This must be my desk.

SHELDON

Yes. It is your desk.

(She sits. She slowly removes her hat and places it carefully on her desk. Sheldon stares at her.)

SHEDLON (barely audible)

You have nice hair.

(She turns and looks at him. Music kicks in. It is “Bluebeard” by Combustible Edison. Mr. Padveen comes back out in a unitard and does an interpretive dance. It finishes as quickly as it started. Sheldon and Lila never see him. Mr. Padveen, caught, exits.)

LILA

Did you say something?

SHELDON (very painfully)

No.

(Lights go to black. They come back up on Sheldon sitting alone at his desk. The book that was on his desk is now gone. He puts his hand on the phone and then withdraws it. He does this a second time. On the third, it rings, and he jumps back from his chair shrieking. He regains his composure and answers the phone.)

SHELDON

Weber, Rooney and York. Sheldon speaking. How may I help you?... Hello, Jasmina…What a lovely surprise…Did I forget something? I’m not sure what you mean?...Oh. Yes. Of course. I forgot to buy your cigarettes. My bad…I feel just awful, Jasmina…I’ll buy you a carton on my way home from work…Well, then, on my lunch break…My thirty minute lunchbreak…I can’t do that, too, Jasmina. Your garden will have to wait. I’ll dig up that row of bushes tonight…Okay, then- (she has hung up)…Bye-bye. (He hangs up as Lila enters.)

LILA

Good morning, Sheldon.

SHELDON (standing)

Good morning, Lila.

LILA

How are you today?

SHELDON

I am fine. Just fine. Thank you.

(After an awkward moment, they both sit.)

SHELDON

(Realizing he didn’t return the conversational volley, he quickly stands back up and yelps) And how are you?!

LILA (turning to look at him)

What?

(The music kicks in. It is “The Checkered Flag” by Combustible Edison starting sixty seconds in. Unitarded Mr. Padveen comes out and dances. This time, he moves Lila and Sheldon around in their wheeled office chairs. They end up at each other’s desk. Music ends and Mr. Padveen, caught again, hurries off.)

LILA

Oh. I’m fine.

(Lights out. Lights come back up on two empty desks. Lila enters and notices Sheldon isn’t there. She sits. Businessman Mr. Padveen enters and goes to Sheldon’s desk. He turns and notices Lila.)

MR. PADVEEN

Good morning, Lila. How’s the world treating you?

LILA

Fine, Mr. Padveen. And you?

MR. PADVEEN

It’s treating me like I’m the guy stuck marching behind the elephants in a parade. That’s how it’s treating me. Have you seen Sheldon?

LILA

No. I haven’t.

MR. PADVEEN

Strange. He’s usually the first one here. I used to accuse him of not going home at night. I was joking, of course. (He laughs. Not exactly sure at what.) When he gets in, tell him-
(Sheldon enters. His suit is disheveled and carries a shovel. The end has blood and a patch of hair on it. Sheldon has some blood on his hands and face.)

MR. PADVEEN

Oh, there you are!

SHELDON

Good morning, Mr. Padveen! Lila!

(Sheldon throws the shovel onto the floor near his desk and takes his seat.)

LILA

Are you feeling all right, Sheldon?

SHELDON

I feel great. Just great.

MR. PADVEEN

Sheldon, would you-?

SHEDLON

Absolutely, I would. And I will. Whatever your heart desires, Mr. Padveen. I like you.

MR. PADVEEN

Very good, then. See that it gets done.

SHELDON

Right away.

(Mr. Padveen starts to exit.)

MR. PADVEEN

Don’t you need to know what it is?

SHELDON

Nope. Not at all. Because I am going to do everything today. Everything. And in the course of doing everything I will inevitably do whatever it is you need me to do. I am on top of it.

LILA

You seem different, Sheldon.

SHELDON

I am different, Lila. I’m a new man. One who controls his own life and his own destiny. A man who answers to no one. Except Mr. Padveen. But before I get to work, let me first tell you, loudly and clearly, that you have the most terrific hair in the world. (He walks over to her) And the prettiest eyes.

LILA

Me?

SHELDON(taking her hands.)

Yes, you.

(The music kicks in. “Morticia” by Combustible Edison. Businessman Mr. Padveen quickly strips down to Unitard Mr. Padveen while trying to dance. He ends up on Sheldon’s desk as Sheldon and Lila dance closely without touching. The music ends abruptly interrupted by a phone ringing. Mr. Padveen picks up Sheldon’s phone. We still hear ringing. Lila composes herself and picks up her phone.)

LILA (flustered)

That company I work for. Lila speaking. How may I help you?... Oh. Hi, Jordan… I did what?...I did too pack your PB & J…We were out of grape jelly, I had to use the strawberry…It’s just for today…I’ll get a jar of grape on my walk home…Okay. I’ll do it on my lunch break. My thirty-minute lunch break…There’s no reason to- (he has hung up)…Bye-bye. (Lila hangs up. Awkward moment. She turns and faces Sheldon and business/uni Padveen.)

LILA

That was my husband. He can be a little…demanding.

(Sheldon picks up the shovel and places it on Lila’s desk. She looks at the shovel and she looks at him. We hear the last thirty seconds of “Bluebeard” by Combustible Edison. Lila and Sheldon dance a quick tango. Lila picks up the shovel as they dance off. Mr. Padveen continues dancing, trying to end the song with the splits. Lights fade.)



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"As a part of a Victory Day celebration, Russian and US sailors competed in doing what?"

28% said "swabbing decks"
- Oh, is that what sailors are calling it these days?

15% said "drinking vodka"
- Don't be so stereotypical. That came after the competition.

15% said "circumnavigating the north pole"
- Oh, is that what sailors are calling it these days?

42% got it right with "making sandwiches"

According to BBC News, from Cold War to cold meats... sailors from the US and Russian navies have tested their culinary skills in a sandwich-making competition.

The contest was held during a visit by the US destroyer Stethem to the eastern Russian port of Vladivostok to mark Victory Day. Officers also joined in.

A Russian cook took the prize for best-tasting sandwich while an American came top for most original presentation.

The US winner in the individual contest got a bottle of vodka, and presented his Russian rivals with USS Stethem caps and sweatshirts in return, the BBC's Dmitry Klimov reports.

The US winner gets vodka from Russia and the Russian winner gets a t-shirt from America (probably made in China). Nice cultural exchange, fellas. Was the Russian sandwich a potato on pumpernickel and the US sandwich a slider?