Wheelchair Werewolf!

Hombre Films, the geniuses who brought you Naked Boys, have cranked out another fun piece.



That's me as the narrator. And if you saw Robot vs Dinosaur at Gorilla Tango or Sketchfest, you'll recognize a few other folks.



Sydney Pollack Died

Bummer. I liked that guy.He was 73 and had cancer. Sydney Pollack was a great director and actor. His body of work as a director is incredible. Perhaps his biggest feet was keeping the movie Tootsie from going off the rails because of a temperamental mid-life Dustin Hoffman. He was somehow able to foster it along to be one of the best film comedies ever. Other films he directed that are worth checking out include; They Shoot Horses, Don't They?, Three Days of the Condor and Jeremiah Johnson. There's more, depending on your tastes. He also directed The Way We Were and Out of Africa. Not horrible films,, just not my cup of tea.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"A 16-year-old girl was arrested for spiking her mom's food because her mom did what?"

14% said "grounded her for a weekend"
- Yeah, man. That's like doing time in jail. Except you're at home. And jail's better.

15% said "made her do homework"
- It's not fair. You shouldn't have to do homework at home.

No one said "turned off the TV"
- Just too much beyond comprehension.

71% got it right with "took away her cell phone"

According to the St. Petersburg Times, a 16-year-old girl was arrested Tuesday and charged with aggravated domestic battery after Pasco deputies said she spiked her mom's food with an ingredient that she knew could cause a severe allergic reaction. The Times is not printing the name of the teen or her mother. Several family members told deputies they believed the teen, who attends Pasco High School, may have spiked her mom's food more than once. They said she was angry because her mom made her do chores and recently took away her cell phone, according to the arrest report.

So, it's not just that she took the phone away. It's also that she made her do chores. This is totally justifiable. How the hell is she supposed to call her friends and bitch about doing chores when she doesn't have a cell phone?

Witchcraft. Crazy, Crazy Witchcraft

Yesterday, I asked...

"A rampaging mob in western Kenya burned 15 women to death for what?"

20% said "Infidelity"
- Cheaters should steal this idea. I might watch it, then.

60% said "Arrogance"
- Sheesh. Torch me, now.

Nobody said "Puberty"
- Fortunately, their menstruation's doused the flames.

20% got it right with "Witchcraft"

According to AFP, a rampaging mob in western Kenya burnt 15 women accused of witchcraft to death, a local official and villagers told AFP Wednesday. The region, populated mainly by the Kisii tribe, has been dubbed Kenya's "sorcery belt" due to mob attacks on women suspected of witchcraft. Several cases were also reported in recent months in neighboring Tanzania, forcing President Jakaya Kikwete to order special protection for albino, who were being murdered and mutilated for good luck by with-doctors.

Murdering and mutilating albinos for good luck? A lot of rabbits are having a good laugh about that.

NO ROBOWRITERS TOMORROW - ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAY WEEKEND!

Salmagundi

Various tidbits of this and that....

This from the folks at Schadenfreude

Gallery Cabaret

Saturday May 24

We wind down our PBR tour by coming back where we started. The Gallery is our home away from home and we are glad to be back in our building. We are not approaching this as a wind-down though, if anything this is our grand finale. We will use the services of Mike and Duane once again, but we will bring our friends Don Hall and Joe Janes in to kick you in the teeth. Did we mention the return of Jill Benjamin? She’s in the house. What’s a rent party show without our favorite stand-up in the land Robert Buscemi? And Bertha Mason comes by to bake some pies for the crowd and Gall Cab owner Kenny is going to take his shirt off.

2020 North Oakley. 9pm. $10. Free food.

Don and I will be doing our patented litany of "I Believes..." Don has written a slew of new ones and I will be dusting off some golden oldies. At least one of us will end up either naked or bleeding or both.


NO ROBOWRITERS THIS SATURDAY

It's Memorial Day weekend, so go drink some beer and remember. I will be celebrating by being featured in a music video by The Breeders. We're shooting all day. The song is the funky "Walk It Off" from Mountain Battles.


FUNNY!

Michael Brownlee posted this on his blog the other day and it made me laugh out loud and spit some things out of my mouth that I wasn't even aware was in there.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"To show the effects of the deforestation of rain forests in a public service announcement, Harrison Ford does what?"

25% said "Plays Indiana Jones in concrete jungle"
- That's the next sequel, Indiana Jones and the Last Parking Space.

13% said "Plays a blade runner trying to find real trees"
- And then we find out that he's really a tree himself!

No one bit "Plays Han Solo on a barren Ewok planet"

62% said "Has his chest waxed"

According to The Associated Press, Harrison Ford pulled a Steve Carell for a public service announcement: He gets his chest waxed. The 65-year-old star winces in apparent pain as a strip of hair is yanked from between his pecs for a PSA for Conservation International to raise awareness about the effect of deforestation on global warming.

Not sure if it really gets the point across, but I appreciate him lending the weight of his celebrity to the cause.



I would have liked it more if he had screamed "Kelly Clarkson!"

Obama/Clinton - the ticket, the scene

The other day, Richard Reinert bravely posted a sketch he wrote in the comments section. I say that's brave because it's a vulnerable thing to do. He's opened himself for feedback, even though he didn't ask for any. His desire is to see this piece he wrote performed. If you're interested in putting it up, shoot him an e-mail.

The idea is timely and fun. It's a "what if" scene about an Obama/Clinton ticket coming to fruition and being celebrated at the inaugural ball.

My comments are after the scene.



Obama and Clinton -What a Ticket! - A Political Parody
By Richard Reinert
Email: rilare@hotmail.com

The Scene: President Barack Obama and Vice President Hillary Clinton and their spouses are attending a formal dance in the White House. Presidents Obama and Clinton are dressed in tuxedos. Michelle Obama is wearing a backless evening gown with a slit that shows off her legs. VP Clinton is wearing a black pantsuit. Two guests are chatting with their backs to the camera. The camera zooms slowly in on Michelle and Bill as the guests whisper to each other.

Guest No. 1: I agree, this is a lovely event.
No. 2: Yes, I really like the music chosen by the First Lady. It’s so “American.”
No. 1: And who knew she could dance like that!
No. 2: Bill Clinton too!
No. 1: Who knew?
No. 2: Well, I think the President knew.
No. 1: Which president?
No. 2: It is confusing, I must admit.
No. 1: Not to Michelle and Bill.
No. 2: Yes, they seem to be getting along real well. By the way did you hear the title they gave Bill?
No 1: No. What is it?
No. 2: Second Gentleman. I hear he isn’t too happy with it.

(Bill slides his hand a little down Michelle’s back. She smiles and moves his hand up.)

No. 1: Look at that!
No. 2: Well, I never! And they said this combination wouldn’t work. Huh! So much for political gurus!
No. 1: Things are quiet enough now but there’s going to be some mighty big fireworks later tonight.
No. 2: It’s not the Fourth of July. Where are these fireworks?
No. 1: How about upstairs and Number One Observatory Circle?
No. 2: Oh, dear. Do you think we should alert the Secret Service?
No. 1: What, you think they haven’t noticed?
No. 2: Maybe it’s time to call Al Gore. He’ll know what to do.
No. 1: Forget it. He’s in the Gansu Province of China.
No. 2: What’s he doing there?
No. 1: I understand he is saving the Giant Panda from extinction.

(During this, Barack and Hillary are discussing nuclear missiles and China but they have had a hard time concentrating since they take occasional peeks at their spouses. An aide runs over to them.)


AIDE: Mr, President and Mrs. Vice President, the Prime minister of Iran wants to meet with both of you ASAP.

THE PRESIDENT: Damn! Can’t it wait?

HILLARY: Yes, please do tell him I’m exhausted. Tell him to come to the White House tomorrow about noon, won’t you? Bill and I have to get back to Number One Observatory Circle right away. I have a few important issues to discuss with him.

THE PRESIDENT: I’m busy too.

AIDE: I don’t know if it can wait very long Mr. President and Mrs. Vice President. He says that the Israelis are bombing his country.

THE PRESIDENT: Oh, what of it? I’m a little tired of having to straighten things out between those two. He is starting to annoy me. McCain was right. I should never sat down with him. Listen, the Vice President and I have more important things to attend to tonight. Don’t you agree, Hillary? Just tell that Iranian he has to wait until tomorrow.

AIDE: Yes sir, I’ll tell him but it’s not exactly something we should put off very long.

HILLARY: Yes, We have some domestic issues to take care of tonight! Like right now!

(President Obama approaches Michelle and Bill from one direction. Hillary comes from the other side. President Obama and Vice President Clinton are each accompanied by several large Secret Service men who glare menacingly at their opposite set.)

THE PRESIDENT: It’s time to go, Michelle.

MICHELLE: All right Obama. Let’s say goodnight properly to Bill and the First Lady.

(Before they leave the ballroom, Bill Clinton and Michelle Obama give each other a slightly long and seemingly intimate hug. Hillary and Barack shake hands quite formally as they look on at Bill and Michelle with obvious displeasure. They all part company, Secret Service men in tow. As they leave, Bill Clinton turns and calls out to Michelle.)

BILL: Oh hey, Michelle, don’t forget tomorrow. Hillary and Obama each have some important State business so I guess it’s just you and me at that ball they are holding for us in Charleston tomorrow.

MICHELLE: Thanks for reminding me Bill. It should be lots of fun.

BILL: What dress will you wear?

MICHELLE: Oh, I don’t know. Do you have any suggestions, Bill?

BILL: Well, now, I like that smoky see-through number you wore to the reception in Hawaii last week.

THE PRESIDENT: Hawaii? What Reception?

MICHELLE: Okay Bill, but only because you like it.

THE PRESIDENT: Let’s go Michelle. It’s a school night and the kids have to get up early.

HILLARY: Come on Bill, get a move on.

(As the couple separate the Secret Service agents followed both. The President closes the door on them and when the President and Michelle are alone, the conversation resumes)

MICHELLE: Barack, you seem upset. Is it about Hawaii? I told you about the Hawaii reception but you were too busy to even notice that I was gone.

BARACK: Forget Hawaii. Did you think I wouldn’t notice what you and that old windbag were doing tonight?

MICHELLE: Why Barack, we were just dancing. Do I detect a green-eyed monster? Bill and I were just fulfilling our diplomatic duties as First Lady being polite to a former President. Really Barack, we were just dancing.

BARACK: Michelle, I would call that dance you were doing with him a lot more than diplomatic. You should have you were shaking your thing. And he had his hands all over you!

MICHELLE: Now Barack, you are being just plain silly.

BARACK: Silly? It’s not silly when one’s wife spends the evening cuddling up to an old white man like him.

(Michelle puts her hand around his neck and kisses him on the cheek.)

MICHELLE: You know you’re the number one President in my life and you always will be. Although I do admit I like his white hair and that cherry red nose of his is kind of cute too.

BARACK: White hair? Cherry red-nose? You’re giving me white hair and I’m sorry but I don’t think my nose will ever be cherry-red! While I’m trying to keep the world free of terrorists, you’re snuggling up to an old has-been. That’s what he is! A has-been!

MICHELLE: Come on honey; let’s get some rest. Please relax while I check on the kids.

(She leaves and the President picks up the telephone.)

(Scene switches to Hillary and Bill)

BILL: Hillary, Michelle looked pretty fine tonight, don’t you think? That dress was snazzy on her.

(Hillary is steamed up.)

HILLARY: Yeah, she wears sexy gowns and I have to wear these stupid pants suits! I’m fed up with high necklines and pants suits while she looks ”snazzy!”

BILL: Now, now, Hillary, honey, you looked great tonight too. You look just fine in pants suits. Okay, Michelle has a nice figure and she looked pretty good in that dress but you look better, at least to me. Honest honey, I really mean it. I really do.

HILLARY: Bill, don’t give me that political line in that Southern drawl you use when you try to sound sincere. You’re a moron if you don’t know that I see what’s going on between you two! Did you have to give her a big kiss in front of everyone while Barack and I have to deal with more important matters. We are trying to keep the world safe for democracy while you flirt with his wife. I saw you your hand on her back.

BILL: Now, now, Hillary, I didn’t do anything inappropriate. I was being polite.

HILLARY: You call that polite? I suppose you were being polite with Monica too!

BILL: Now honey, that happened a long time ago and you promised not to bring it up again when I agreed to let you run for President.

HILLARY: What did you say? You let me run for president? Listen to me Bill! If you had behaved yourself, I would be the President! And you wouldn’t be the Second Gentleman!

(Back to Barack and Michelle.)

BARACK: (Speaking on the telephone.) Yes, get me the Secretary of State. He waits ... Don’t you know who this is? … No, I don’t care if he has gone to bed. Get him out of bed and on the line right away.

(As he waits, Michelle returns to the room)

MICHELLE: Barack, what are you doing on the telephone. Who are you calling?

BARACK: The Secretary of State.

MICHELLE: Barack, it’s past midnight. Can’t it wait until the morning?

BARACK: No. I just made a big decision..

BARACK: Hello, John, this is the President – President Obama. Yes I now it’s late. … No, it can’t wait. Tomorrow, you will announce that Bill Clinton will be the next U.S. ambassador to Tadzhikistan.. …

Have I asked him? No, but He won’t turn it down. He will like the scenery there. Call a press conference for tomorrow at 7 AM. …I don’t give a damn about procedure. Just do it!

MICHELLE: Barack, I think this is affecting your judgement. Let’s go to bed.

BARACK: Right now I need a smoke. (He goes to the door, opens it and calls.) Do any of you guys out there have a cigarette? No, not menthol! Geez, it was never like this on “The West Wing!”

Curtain

Richard Reinert
Email: rilare@hotmail.com


- My suggestion Richard is that you just focus on the split scene between the two couples. It's a great idea. Skip the guests, skip the ball, cut to the heart of the scene. And I like that Bill flirted with Michelle, but the trip to Hawaii without the others knowing about it is a bit of a stretch in logic. I think focusing on Bill's advances, misinterpreted or not, is the way to go. I would also like to see more distinction between the couples. How do they differ in how they get ready for bed, for example. How do they really feel about Hillary being vice-president and Bill being second gentleman? I think there's more to explore there. I love that Hillary has a formal pant suit that she wears.

Another scene to explore that your scene hints at is a scene between Bill and Michelle. A scene where Hillary and Barack have to leave the other two alone in the Oval Office and Bill starts trying to seduce Michelle. Hell, the Oval Office is his old stomping grounds. That could be a lot of fun, too.

- Picky stuff - It's not a parody. This is a matter of semantics (damn Arabs!). A parody imitates something else very specifically, like a West Wing parody. This falls more into satire territory. You're showing the human consequences of an Obama/Clinton ticket.

Also, there's a section where you say that Barack and Hillary are discussing nuclear missiles and China and are interrupted. Well, script that. Otherwise, you are pimping the actors into having to make stuff up, which means you might get something that doesn't fit and changes the focus of the whole scene. "So, Hillary, did you hear about China bombing Delaware? That was something. Happened around 3am. I should have called you."


Thanks for posting your scene, Richard, If anyone else has feedback for Richard, or is interested in using the scene, please post it in the comments section or e-mail him. For feedback, be constructive. Don't be a dick. It's not helpful.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The person recently named the ambassador of Japan tourism is who?"

18% said "George Takei"
- Probably wouldn't work. I heard he doesn't like sushi.

9% said "Hulk Hogan"
- Visit Japan. And an old bald man in a doo rag whose fifteen minutes were up fifteen years ago.

No one thought it might be "Godzilla"
- He's always destroying Tokyo, so it would be a good way to get tourists to see the rest of the country.

72% got it right with "Hello Kitty"

According to The Associated Press, the tourism ministry of Japan on Monday named Hello Kitty as its choice to represent the country in China and Hong Kong, two places where she is wildly popular among kids and young women. Hello Kitty is very popular and this should really boost the number of visitors to Japan. Until she hacks up a furball or paparazzi catch her licking herself or pooping in the sand on the beach.

Mono Logs

ROBOWRITERS ASSIGNMENT

Blackouts are often used to pepper a sketch revue and give it some unexpected bursts of energy. Another short form is the comic monologue. It tends to create intimate moments with the audience that help build a special rapport with them. It also gives individual members of an ensemble a moment to shine.

If you don't already have a comic character rolling around in your noggin, it's easy and fun to create one. My favorite method is to just springboard off the suggestion of a word. The word can come from anywhere. At Robowriters, a few of us had "to go" coffee cups from an evil national chain restaurant who doesn't need me to give them a plug. These cups are loaded with pithy slogans as well as the usual "by law" coffee cup messages. The writers were told to look the cup over and pick a word. Simple as that.

Once you have the word, the wheels in your head will start turning. You can use the word literally. If the word is "caution," the character can be a crossing guard. You can also use the word to influence the character, like, they have an extremely cautious outlook on life.

Now that you have the word, write from the character's perspective as if they simply walked out on stage and introduced themselves to the crowd. Explore who they are; what their name is, what they do for a living, who their friends and relatives are, what they love, what they hate, etc. And, yes, pack as much of that as you can into ten minutes. You don't need much more than that.

Once you stop, read it over. Read it out loud, if you can. Listen for what and who is really important to your character. Our cautious crossing guard has an overbearing mother and deeply wants to move to Portland, Oregon to sell art on the sidewalk.

Now, write another monologue, again, only giving yourself about ten minutes, where the character is pouring their heart out to another character that is silent. So, it's as if our crossing guard has sat her mother down and said "I have to tell you something." The person they are talking to should be someone they have an emotional charge with. It'[s not very dramatically interesting for them to talk to their buddy about their boss when the boss is the bigger risk to confront.

Now you have something you can shape and rewrite into a performable piece.

In developing the final version,there are three forms to keep in mind.

The monologue can still be just the character talking to the audience. These can be a bit confessional, but it is like they are taking the audience into their confidence. The character still needs to want something and can use the audience to help them process their thinking or demonstrate the depths of their want. The character should also be engaged in an activity. In this case, our crossing guard could be suiting up and getting ready. Or at work, talking to us as she holds out her stop sign to cars. The activity should give us some insight into their lives.

The character can be speaking to another actor who is silent, but present. One of the Robowriters wrote a scene about a character trying to make a friend on the bus. In that case, I think it's important that we see the intended friend trying to read their paper and squirming a bit as this person drops big hints about stuff they could do together.

The third way is the classic monologue style of the character addressing another character as if they were out floating over the audience. The imagined character is the fourth wall, in this case, and we see the real character in all their vulnerability trying to get what they want that only that person can provide.

It's important to make the wants clear and deeply felt. Get to the basic human wants of to be seen, heard, touched and loved to find out what your character wants from someone else.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Last Friday, I asked...

"The Barclay Prime restaurant in Philadelphia serves a $100 entre made up of what?"

22% said "Mac and Cheese"
- Mac and Cheese for a hundred bucks. It would have to served on Madonna's backside and spoon fed to me by Paris Hilton.

11% said "SpaghettiO's"
- The can costs more than the little O's of goodness.

No one thought it was "Cat Food"

67% got it right with "Cheesesteak"

According to CBS 3 in Philadelphia, Chef James Locascio, of Rittenhouse Square's Barclay Prime, has created Philadelphia's "haute" cheesesteak, an upscale version of the sandwich that includes butter poached lobster and shaved truffles.

To get top of the line ingredients, Locascio says it costs $17 per pound for cheese, $21 per pound for Kobe beef and $900 per pound for summer truffles.

So who buys the costly sandwich?

On average, five or six customers order it per night and many share it as an appetizer.

Locascio says, "It all adds up, a quarter of a million dollars a year in cheesesteaks is pretty good."

Okay, and this is from the vegetarian, if you add lobster and truffles to it, IT AIN'T A CHEESESTEAK!

Come back tomorrow...

Hey, folks,

Sorry, but I have been out in Deerfield, Illinois shooting some corporate videos and that had me up at the crack of dawn. So...no update today. But tomorrow I'll have some goodies, including a new Robowriters assignment.

Peace Out,

Joe

FREEDOM!

Thank God! The City of Chicago has finally repealed its ban on foie gras. For two years, now, according to Mayor Daley, the ban has damaged our city's reputation in international dining circles. That's right. For two years, people have been sitting in circles over in France and snootily deriding the city's ban on what many bleeding hearts consider an exceptionally cruel process. Actually consuming bleeding hearts, perhaps on toast, is what the Illinois Restaurant Association has wanted to do because of the ban.

Foie gras, French for "fatty liver," is produced by force-feeding geese and ducks -- by jamming a steel pipe down a bird’s esophagus three times a day for a month -- to create livers 10 times their normal size. By the time the process is over, the birds can barely walk, let alone breathe. It's believed that the staggering and wheezing are what give foie gras its delightfully savory tinge.

No restaurant has suffered a blow to their income because of the ban. I take that back. One restaurant, T.G.I.Foie Gras's, had to stop selling their signature line of goose liver nuggets. The repeal was forced through the city council without debate. Chicago can now, once again, hold its head high in international circles and belch a fatty, force-fed belch.

Enjoy your foie gras, Mayor Daley.





It goes well with veal.



I AM NOT ASHAMED

My friends Pete and Paul over at The Graffiti Table posted this a few days ago and I have been shouting its praises from the rooftops. A practice which may lead to my eviction from my apartment. But, damn, it's funny.






THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A 9-year-old girl in Athens, Greece recently discovered her twin where?"

15% said "In a painting"
- No, Rod Serling. It wasn't in a painting. The Night Gallery is closed.

No one said "On a missing poster" or "In school"

85% got it right with "In her stomach"

According to The Associated Press, a 9-year-old girl who went to hospital in central Greece suffering from stomach pains was found to be carrying her embryonic twin, doctors said Thursday.

The girl has made a full recovery, he said.

Andreas Markou, head of the hospital's pediatric department, said the embryo was a formed fetus with a head, hair and eyes, but no brain or umbilical cord.

Regardless, the parents have already bought the twins matching pink jumpers.