Dubious Dubai

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Wow! Which of the following is NOT a feature planned for an 80-story building by architect Dr. David Fisher to be built in Dubai?"

50% said "Each floor rotates"
- This is its main feature because, for some reason, they think a perpetual vomit-inducer is a good idea.

No one went for "Entire building is powered by wind turbines" or "Penthouse residents can park cars in their apartments"

50% got it right with what the building will NOT have and that's "Five stories devoted to an indoor rainforest"

According to CBS News, Italian architect Dr. David Fisher announced on Tuesday the launch of a revolutionary skyscraper in Dubai dubbed as the "world's first building in motion," an 80-story tower with revolving floors that give it an ever-shifting shape.

Sales of individual apartments will begin in September, with asking prices of around $3,000 per square foot. The smallest, at 1,330 square feet, would cost about $4 million and the largest, a 12,900-square-foot villa, $38.7 million.

I already live like this. The wooden floors in my crappy ass apartment are starting to warp. Don't tell my landlord. He'll jack up the price.

The Hollywood Version

Hear that sound? That's me. Quickly clacking at the typewriter working on my own million-dollar Hollywood screenplay version of the 2008 presidential election, I have begun sending out feelers to the stars. If I can get someone attached to it, it will help me sell it to the studios. By sending out feelers, I mean "wishing really hard." If you know any of these people personally, please get me in touch with them.

Here's who I am thinking about...


Barack Obama



Hillary Clinton



John McCain



I smell blockbuster. And some BenGay.

(sidenote: Jason Meyer tipped me off to WKRP in Cincinnati being available on Hulu. Check it out. It's one of the best sitcoms of all time. Even though they wrestled with securing rights to the music used at the time - and lost - the writing and stellar ensemble are still present.)


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Jessica Bruinsma of Colorado was stranded in the Bavarian Alps and was rescued with the aid of her what?"

12% said "Pepper Spray"
- She just had that on hand for those pesky goats.

No one went for ""O" Magazine" or "Trusty St. Bernard"

88% got it right with "Sports Bra"

According to The Associated Press, Berchtesgaden police officer Lorenz Rasp said that he helped lift 24-year-old Jessica Bruinsma of Colorado state to safety by helicopter on Thursday after she attracted the attention of lumberjacks by attaching her sports bra to a cable used to move timber down the mountain. The rescue occurred, of course, after the lumberjacks took turns trying on said brassiere.

Here's is a photo taken just after Jessica's recovery.

Robots and Dinosaurs

Folks looking for the weekly Robowriters sketch writing assignment can look for it HERE.

Robot vs Dinosaur-Chicago is in the early stages of developing a web page to keep you up to date on all things RvD. You can also vote in the weekly Robot vs Dinosaur battle. This week, The Terminator (model T=101) goes a cyborg a mutant lizard with Godzilla.

The place is a work in progress that we'll tinker with and update every week until we get it looking all sweet.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"John McCain is proposing a $300 million prize to anyone who can do what?"

25% said "create an energy source out of excrement"
- I think his speech writers are already working on that.

No one said "put a man on Mars in a year" or "drink a beer on their head, naked"
- Both scientific feats requiring breaking the law of gravity.

75% got it right with "develop a better automobile battery"

According to The Associated Press, the presumed Republican nominee is proposing a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop an automobile battery that far surpasses existing technology. "a small price to pay for helping to break the back of our oil dependency," McCain said.

This from the man calling for more offshore drilling for oil. What kind of intervention program does he want us to enter? "We're going to kick booze by robbing a liquor store while increasing our number of AA meetings!"

John McCain's energy adviser...

Occupation: Foole

Sadly, George Carlin has passed away. At 71 years old, he is a successful comedian who did NOT mellow with age. I was fortunate - or perhaps not fortunate - to have parents who didn't care that I listened to his albums. I could name the seven words you can't say of television (at the time) long before I could name the first seven presidents. In fact, don't quiz me on that. I still know one much better than the other.

A very important comedian. He took what Lenny Bruce started and made it, well, funny. He laid a foundation for Jerry Seinfeld and David Brenner by talking about the things we all think about, but don't even realize we think about it. He opened the door for Sam Kinison by not backing off from issues that pissed him off.

I saw George Carlin in person when I was a senior in high school at the Toledo Masonic Auditorium. It was the end of the seventies and, although thrilled to death to see him, you could see him beginning to tire of his "chestnuts" and the 80's would see him starting to reinvent himself through books and HBO specials. He never tried to be someone he was not. Even in his 70's, he was comfortable being an "old fucker" and had a very pragmatic view of the world.



Here's hoping he's looking up yelling at us.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Sega has created a new robot that they are marketing specifically to whom?"

No one said "Mining Companies" or "Hospitals"
- That's way to sensible!

10% said "Marketing Firms" - They already use robots. Who do you think writes their copy? Humans?

90% got it right with "Lonely adult men"

According to The New Zealand Herald, a Japanese firm has produced a 38 cm (15 inch) tall robotic girlfriend that kisses on command, to go on sale in September for around US$175, with a target market of lonely adult men.

"Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive," said Minako Sakanoue, a spokeswoman for the maker, Sega Toys.

"She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend."

Well, at 15 inches tall, she's not going to be able to do everything a girlfriend can do. Like laundry!

Ahem. Mine's on order.

IT'S A BABY! RUN!

Read this over at The Huffington Post...

WASHINGTON — The world's population will reach 7 billion in 2012, even as the global community struggles to satisfy its appetite for natural resources, according to a new government projection.

There are 6.7 billion people in the world today. The United States ranks third, with 304 million, behind China and India, according to projections released Thursday by the Census Bureau.

The world's population surpassed 6 billion in 1999, meaning it will take only 13 years to add a billion people.

By comparison, the number of people didn't reach 1 billion until 1800, said Carl Haub, a demographer at the Population Reference Bureau. It didn't reach 2 billion until 130 years later.

You can read the rest of this article HERE.

So, why the big leaps and bounds in population?

Here's one factor...

BOSTON (Reuters) - A Massachusetts city is investigating an apparent teenage "pregnancy pact" that has at least 17 high-school girls expecting babies, four times more than last year, including many aged 16 or younger.

"Some girls seemed more upset when they weren't pregnant than when they were," Gloucester High School principal Joseph Sullivan told Time magazine, which broke news of the pact on its Web site.

Local officials said at least some of the men involved in the pregnancies were in their mid-20s, including one man who appeared to be homeless. Others were boys in the school.

Read the rest of this article HERE.

Clearly, what's going on is that we have more people than we can sustain on this planet. Our world is unable to keep its south pole in its pants. Our purple mountain majesties are nothing but whores. Sleeping with homeless people to get pregnant? Keep that up, and they'll start asking me for more than spare change. "Dollar? How about a nooner in the alley? Bless you."

Our system for population control is broke and, like Obama, I have a plan for change.

More than one. Take your pick. Or do all four to be the most effective.

- Hunting babies. When a deer population gets out of control, state and local officials open up the deer season parameters. If you think you might be to squeamish to shoot a cute baby foraging for food in the woods, set traps. But check them regularly. Nothing worse than finding a baby has gummed off his arm to escape.

- Enslave babies. Train them to be indentured servants. Every new baby has to be able to pull his or her own weight. This will also deplete the demand for illegal immigrants.

- Birth control by age five. Girls are getting pregnant earlier and earlier. They should get their tubes tied along with learning how to tie their shoes. And boys should get their first vasectomy with their first haircut.

- More celebrities need to adopt third world babies. The threat of a baby being adopted by a Madonna or Angelina should be enough to deter future pregnancies all over the world, but it's not. Come on Bono, Sting and Oprah, time to step up to the baby plate. And if the threat of them as parents isn't enough to shrivel ovaries and testicles all over the world - let's get some really scary celebs dealing in - Come on Ann Heche, Paris Hilton and Larry the Cable Guy - the planet needs you!

ROBOWRITERS ON SATURDAY

BRING OUT YOUR SKETCHES! 1pm. Gorilla Tango. 1919 North Milwaukee, near Western. $5.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A gang of female bandits in Central Florida have distinguished themselves by dressing as what?"

20% said "Strippers"
- Strippers already steal your money. It's ridiculous. It's like dumping a load of money to just look at a dessert tray. So I've heard.

20% said "Cheerleaders"
- Too threatening. Potential victims tend to be elderly people with brittle bones who would avoid perky bouncing women with flailing arms.

20% said "Men"
- The victims just thought they were being attacked by aging lesbians.

40% got it right with "Nurses"

According to Local 6 News, a gang of female bandits dressed in nursing costumes is stalking and targeting women and elderly shoppers at Central Florida businesses.

I don't really understand how being dressed as a nurse makes anyone comfortable enough to be robbed. They're vampires in white polyester. They are either going to stick me with a needle or make me pee or poop in something. Although, I can see why this helps in robbing elderly people."Take my money, just leave me what blood I have left!"

Gnus Whiz

WEIRD THINGS MY CAT LIKES TO EAT

Peas, corn, black beans, and now... sea weed. He goes nuts for it. My other cat saw him chowing down on some and went to check it out. She gave it a sniff and just looked at him sideways.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Vancouver, Canada on Monday saw the fifth incident of what washing up onshore?"

No one thought it was "Giant Squid," "Medical Waste," or "Disgruntled Americans" even though I thought each answer was quite plausible

100% got it right with "Human Feet"

According to The Times Online, a sixth human foot, wearing an Adidas training shoe, bobbed ashore near Vancouver Tuesday in a grisly mystery that has gripped Canada. The discovery of five right feet and one left foot has spawned wildly contrasting theories about their origin, ranging from murders by biker gangs to the floating remains of Asian tsunami victims. My guess, somewhere out there is a very unlucky giant rabbit who keeps losing the charms off his key chain.

Kiss It

Today's post goes beyond the usual snarky commentary and addresses something very important to all of us - kissing.

In a relationship, it's a make or break deal. You can be a match all across the board, but if the parts don't fit right in a lip-lock, forget it. For me, the deal-breaker is kisses that are too sloppy and wet. I don't want to continuously pause the romance to put on a lobster bib or grab at paper towels.

Fortunately, Ronnie Koenig has compiled a list of tips on how to be a better kisser over at the website Tango. Generally, all pretty good tips with some being a matter of personal taste. For example, tip number one is Let Him Initiate. Aside from being sexist, confusing to homosexuals and not including lesbians, I don't agree with it. I think it depends on the situation.

Here are the only absolute times when a man should initiate a kiss...

- When the woman is bound and gagged. A woman, particularly a gagged woman, might not think you are interested in a kiss and will likely shy away from offering one. Here, it makes for an important romantic gesture that tells your partner you're interested in more than just degrading her. I find an open mouth kiss helpful in negotiating around a ball gag. (side note: If you are a man and you are the one bound and gagged - do not initiate a kiss. Good rule of thumb: The person with the riding crop and nipple clamps decides what gets kissed and when.)

- At the end of a job interview. If the person interviewing me for a position is a woman, I will always end with a big smooch. I think this shows confidence and a definite interest in working for the company.

- At a funeral. A widow has just lost her husband and needs reassurance that she's still attractive and that life will go on. Nothing says this better than a lively tongue down a grieving throat.

Other than these situations, ladies, if you want a kiss, go for it. Guys are dumb. We don't always read the signs. We still may not get it after you grab us and plant one on us.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Victor Rodriguez of Bridgeport, Connecticut is under arrest after doing what?"

40% said "Scaring drive-thru workers with his pet python"
- These people have seen everything. I doubt they'd give it a second glance, unless he tried to pay for his meal with it.

40% said "Wearing only his pet python outdoors"
- Hmm, a py-thong?

No one said "Selling his pet python in an alley"

20% got it right with "Ordering his pet python to attack the police"

According to The Connecticut Post, officers dispatched to investigate a domestic complaint in Bridgeport were confronted by a man and his huge pet reptile, "and he was saying, 'Get them!' " according to Lt. James Viadero, the police spokesman.

Victor Rodriguez, 21, was allegedly threatening his girlfriend with the reptile and refused to open the door for the officers.

Not known for their attacking - or listening - skills, no one was attacked by the snake. Rodriguez was taken away in handcuffs. The snake managed to slip out of his shackles and is now considered to be on the slither.