Downer

My senior year in high school was one of the best years of my life. I was editor-in-chief of the yearbook and president of student council. I somehow managed to achieve the positions without ever having worked on the yearbook or ever having been a member of student council. For the yearbook, the faculty adviser asked me to do it because she liked the doodles I made on my papers and felt I was creative enough for the job. Apparently, she was right. Our yearbook that year won a state award for creativity. I don't remember who else ran for student council, but I remember thinking the woman who sat behind me in Government, Annie Pope, would be ideal. She said she'd rather be vice-president and that I should run. Okay, sure, why not? Student council was fun, except I had to learn Robert's Rules of Order for conducting meetings. I had to find ways of being creative within the system. It didn't help that the student council faculty adviser that I was geeked about working with had to leave early in the year for health reasons and was replaced by a jag off Phys Ed teacher. No slam against Phys Ed, but he was much like the stereotypical former jock with a big gut and a fat head.

But I digress. I'm avoiding what I wanted to bring up. Like I said, that year was one of the best years of my life. Full of fun, friends, my first improv workshop, working part-time at a local radio station, a driver's license, the family's Mustang II, lots of good times. The year ended with me performing in the school talent show sharing singer duties with Mark Henn in a fictional band called Punk Jazz. The talent show ended with the student council president candidates giving speeches. The guy I had my money on and supported, Bruce Corn, won.

Yep. A great year. Followed the next year by one of the worst years of my life. My parents got divorced. My mom and younger brother moved from a big house to a tiny apartment. We had to give my dog away. My closest friends all went off to college. I broke down in tears one night backstage at the local community theater during a show. I did so, again, at a bar with friends who were home for Christmas.

By summer, I began to pull myself out of it. I resolved to go to college and study to become an actor. It was my heart's desire. My mother was upset about me leaving. My girlfriend, the sweet, pretty and funny Melinda, that I was "engaged to be engaged to" at the time was supportive and very mature about it. We didn't think a long distance thing would work, so we parted ways, but remained friends. (I started seeing someone else a few months later and we did try to make a long distance thing work, and it didn't.)

College was a blast. I made the Dean's List the first quarter. Then I discovered a social life and what an amazing creative playground college could be. My grades plummeted and my education soared.

In my second year of college, I received some bad news. Bruce Corn, my student council predecessor, shot himself in the drive way of his family's house while home from college. I couldn't get my mind around it. Bruce was a great guy. A big lug who was smart and handsome and everyone liked him. To this day, I don't know what happened to get Bruce to the point of "this is the only way out."

Last night, I received a call from a friend. Another friend we knew drove off in his van on Sunday and was found yesterday. He had killed himself via carbon monoxide poisoning. He leaves behind his wife and their toddler. He also has a daughter from a previous marriage. We were stunned. We both had received an e-mail from this guy on Sunday morning. Along with a few other guys, we check in with each other on what we're up to in life and how our goals are going. I looked up that e-mail to see if I missed anything. There was nothing in there that indicated even a glimpse of what was to come. This is shocking news and sad news. I really liked this guy. Always had a friendly smile. Genuinely interested in how I was doing. Great laugh. My schedule recently shifted to where I was going to see him about twice a month. I ran into him downtown last week and was excited to get to introduce him to my brother. WTF!

In my darkest moments, I have thought about it. I think everyone has at one time or another. As an artist, of course, I think about the how and the logistics of it all. In the end, what usually deters me is - I don't want to inconvenience anyone else with cleaning up the mess and I worry about my cats' welfare. But I also kind of think, I'm not done. There's more to do. There's more to write. There's more people to meet and places to see. What does it all mean in the big scheme of things? Probably nothing. But I'm here. May as well enjoy myself.

Adios, Phil.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Joe Eszterhaus, the writer of the films 'Basic Instinct' and 'Show Girls,' has penned a new book that deals with what?"

46% said "lesbian stripper/serial killers"
- That's so 90's Eszterhaus. Clearly, he has grown as an artist.

30% said "his penis"
- Yep. 700 pages (shhhh, it's actually only 300 pages).

No one said "Hollywood corruption"
- "What corruption?" Eszterhaus said while counting his money.

24% got it right with "spiritual conversion"

According to The Toledo Blade, Joe Eszterhas' latest book is a shocker, but not the kind that made him rich and famous.
The upcoming release from the man who penned dark thrillers such as Basic Instinct and Jagged Edge tells the story of his spiritual conversion and his newfound devotion to God and family.

In Crossbearer: A Memoir of Faith, to be published Sept. 2 by St. Martin's Press, Mr. Eszterhas describes how his life got turned around during the summer of 2001.

I hope they make a movie of it and it has a lot of boobies.

I Believe...

(The Divorce Edition, topic courtesy of Mr. Hall)

...There is no such thing as "The One" when it comes to relationships. There are people you are compatible with and people you are not. "The One" is the one you choose to commit to.

...Women are more freaked out about marriage than men are. In spite of what sitcoms and lame Matthew McConaughey comedies tell you, men are more amenable when it comes to building a partnership with a woman. Women fear losing their identity, becoming a housewife, being held back. Most men want the woman they fell in love with, don't want a housewife and want to see their partner succeed.

...I remember in my late 20's-early 30's noticing that I knew a lot of people who had already been married and divorced. Many with kids. Now, I know a lot of people who have been married and divorced twice with a few more kids thrown into the mix. I find dating expensive. You guys must all be fucking broke!

- Anybody want to buy a ring? Seriously. Make me an offer. No takers and I hit the diamond district on Thursday.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Students in Harrold, Texas will be the first in the nation to have teachers legally doing what this year?"

27% said "monitoring their e-mails and text messages"
- No child's privacy left behind.

9% said "sending troublemakers to school jail"
- That's called detention.

9% said "dating seniors"
- Some teachers can't wait that long.

54% got it right with "carrying guns"

According to The Associated Press, along with normal first-day jitters and excitement, students in this tiny district (Harrold, Texas) started school Monday wondering which teachers might be toting firearms. Several parents said they had no idea that employees of the K-12 school were allowed to carry concealed guns on campus until recent publicity about the school board's policy, approved quietly last fall.

Match class should be fun...

I know what you're thinking. "Did he take away six apples or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, Bueller?

McCain's Latest Attack Ad

There are a lot of people not getting any rest at the McCain camp. They are ready to pounce on any non-issue to go after Obama and keep the general public from thinking about important stuff, like economy, health care and war. Did you see how quickly they rolled out the "Hillary Snubbed" ad after Obama announced Biden as VP? Staggering. If only they put that much effort into making McCain a viable candidate.

Michelle Obama and her daughters looked absolutely adorable together. Expect the McCain camp to start rolling out a lot of photos of the McCain family to show just how strong his first and second marriages have been.

Here he is sharing a laugh with Satchel, his youngest son from his from his first marriage.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Police in Clifton, New Jersey arrested two men trying to stop drug dealers in their neighborhood. The men were what?"

34% said "driving a homemade batmobile"
- Sticking fins on your Honda does not a batmobile make.

25% said "carrying chain saws"
- The drawback to this plan is that it makes the drug dealers seem safer.

16% said "stoned out of their minds"
- They weren't trying to stop the drug dealers, just get better service.

25% got it right with "dressed like ninjas"

According to The Associated Press, police arrested two men dressed like ninjas and armed with Asian martial arts weapons who said they were delivering warning letters to drug dealers and users. Calling themselves "Shinobi warriors," the men carried knives, throwing stars, swords, nunchucks and a bow and arrows. The letters warned drug users and drug dealers that the "Shinobi will stop your cruel and sadistic intentions with justified yet, merciful force."

Merciful force? Throwing stars and swords know no mercy, my friend.

In the letter, the two men accused drug dealers and users of having "committed sin of passing impurity" to others and that the "wind guides us to those of impure heart and intent."

They're in New Jersey. That wind is guiding them to a landfill.

The Secret to A Successful Relationship

With the onslaught of people in my life breaking up or getting divorced (the legal term for breaking up), I started thinking about my long track record of relationships.

Last Monday, the two Dons (my brother and Mr. Hall) and I had lunch and the conversation shifted to the necessity of marriage. It ain't. We don't need marriage to make the world turn. In fact, like organized religion, one could argue it causes more harm than good. Especially when kids are involved.

So, if it's not necessary, what's the point of marriage, or any significant relationship, for that matter?

I remembered what a friend told me in college during a rather difficult break up. I didn't get it then. I get it now.

The point of a relationship is recreation.

Nothing fancy going on with the word "recreation." This isn't any personal growth mumbo-jumbo about re-creating each other. I mean recreation.

recreation
noun
1.	an activity that diverts or amuses or stimulates; "scuba diving is provided as a diversion for tourists"; "for recreation he wrote poetry and solved crossword puzzles" [syn: diversion]
2.	activity that refreshes and recreates; activity that renews your health and spirits by enjoyment and relaxation; "time for rest and refreshment by the pool"; "days of joyous recreation with his friends" [syn: refreshment]

WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.

Relationships are playtime. When I think about some of my more important adult relationships, they worked well when we played well together. They didn't work well whenever I was trying to get the other person to do something I thought was fun and they did not.

There's the day-to-day stuff of relationships that need to work well, but isn't that playing, too? Like playing house. Bad stuff happens to people and that's not fun. That's when you take care of one another so that you can get back to playing.

Dreamy physical movie romance attraction isn't enough. I am no longer searching for a soul mate. I'm searching for a play mate.

(I hate Blogger, sometimes. I am now writing in italics and can't make it stop!)


MORE STUFF FOR SALE!

(THIS BENCH HAS BEEN SOLD!)




This is a bench I bought at Cost Plus World Market. I love that place. I could live there. It's a sturdy thang. It's four feet wide, two-and-a-half feet high, sixteen-and-a-half inches deep. I think it's made out of pine. Like I said, sturdy. I have had it eight years and never had a problem with it. It's not comfortable, but functional. I bought it initially to keep in a foyer to make it easier to take off shoes and boots.




It has a storage bench that you can use to store shoes, extra blankets, whatever. There's a lot of room in there. When I emptied it out, it was full of framed pictures that we never got around to hanging.

I paid $150 for it. I'm asking for $75. Interested? Shoot me an e-mail. joejanes1065@comcast.net.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Maxim magazine recently named the worst professional comedians of all time. Coming in at number one was who?"

47% said "Carrot Top"
- Carrot Top? Not funny? Oh, you saw Chairman of the Board, too.

47% also said "Pauly Shore"
-Hey, now. The Weasel has had his moments. Just not many of them.

6% said "John McCain"
-I'd think he was funnier of the polls weren't so close.

No one got the right answer, "Sinbad"

According to Maxim, the number one Worst Professional Comedian of All Time is Sinbad.

We're not sure what we hate most about Sinbad. Is it the neon pants, the annoying dangly earring, the oversized Reeboks, or the fact that he doesn't drink? Oh, wait, now we know. It's the shitty jokes that he always tells. That's what we hate most about Sinbad.

Lists like this are, of course, bullshit. For crying out loud, their list included Paula Poundstone who is one of the most brilliant comedic minds out there. Their list did also include Kathy Griffin and Sandra Bernhard, both of whom make my scrotum squinch up when they speak. And their list did NOT include Pauly Shore or Carrot Top!

I agree with them on Sinbad, though. In stand-up, there are guys who carefully craft their material (Shandling, Gaffigan, Carlin) and then there are guys who are just the life of the party. Their whole gig is just working the crowd, making sure everyone's having a good time. It's a skill, but it's more like a host than a comedian. I can quote those other guys. I can't quote Sinbad.

I wonder if they took his film career in to account?

Ladies and Gentleman, Mr. Don Janes...

Don is seen here learning to cope with taking care his mentally challenged brother, Corky Janes. Merrie Greenfield disavows knowledge of taking this picture.

Because my brother has been hogging his computer, you are more current with his blog than I am. So, please forgive any any repetitive redundancies.

Despite the five hour train delay at the onset of my adventure, and even though I failed to receive a check that had been specifically budgeted for my vacation because some wing-ding mailed it to a city in which I have never lived, it's been a most excellent trip.

The weather has been ideal. Joe has been an exemplary host. (Of course, I've been a near perfect guest.) Houdini, Joe's 4am alarm cat, well, I think I'll let him slide, only because he does stop meowing every 30 minutes.

Gotta admit, I'm still in awe of a place like Chicago. So many people, so much culture. And them there buildings is purty dang big! Ok, I must officially express my disgust with learning that Donald Trump is building a structure destined to exceed the height of the Sears Tower.

Even though I dubbed this my 3M vacation (Museums, Movies, Meals), the fun began with getting to watch Joe in the sterling WNEP production of Metaluna. Absolutely brilliant stuff. Great performances by everyone in the cast. I definitely give it two "hairmps" up. But, just to reveal my true rural side, here's what I'll probably tell my posse back home first - I MET ONE OF THE JOKER'S HENCHMEN. (I can only hope for forgiveness from the rest of the truly talented members of the production, especially since I helped strike the set after closing.) See, the thing was, I met David on Saturday and then saw him the Dark Knight movie on Monday - IN IMAX! Well, there you go.

The Dark Knight may not even have been the best movie I watched, but the worst was definitely Baghead. After Joe vicariously recommended it, I barely managed to stay awake through it. Do not waste your money. Don Hall will back me up on this.

The museums, and I include The Shedd in this category, have been worth every penny Joe or I or no one (thanks Gabe) have paid. Joe refers to this type of culture indulgence as "touristy" but nothing could be further from the truth. If you live here, enjoy what you have. Mind you, once every other year is likely sufficient, but there are invaluable displays of art and history at your doorstep. Do not take these for granted. The closest thing to culture we have in Ottawa County, Ohio is the Walleye Drop on New Year's Eve.

Other Chicago observations:

I still get a puerile kick out of seeing a sign that says "Speed Hump."
I'm still easily confused by the Brown, Red, Blue, Orange, Pink, and Purple lines.
Part of the solution to the homeless problem here is to ban benches.
Riding a bicycle on the streets of this town is ballsy. Doing it while talking on a cell phone is just plain nuts.
The El (is that the proper spelling?) really needs the same overhead straps used by the buses.
The RedEye needs to toughen up its crossword puzzle.

Well, I enter my last couple days here with only $30 cash in my pocket, but a rejuvenated debit card, so I plan on closing strong. Having to stretch my money has kept me out of the bars, but that's about the only thing I may have done differently. Next time, and I certainly hope there will be a next time, I plan on doing some extremely touristy things. Stay tuned.

- Don

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A 37-year-old woman from a Milwaukee suburb celebrated her birthday by helping her 17-year-old son do what?"

15% said "have a baby"
- Not even sure how the logic works out on this one. She's pregnant? He's pregnant? Leave me alone. I'm tired. Too many touristy museums in one week.

9% said "finish high school"
- She'd be more on board for this if it was "finish high school OFF!"

Everyone wisely avoided "eat their weight in pie"

76% got it right with "rob a gas station"

According to The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, a 17-year-old in town from Chicago for his mother's birthday is suspected of robbing two gas stations in Greenfield and Milwaukee at gunpoint before he and his mother - suspected of being the getaway driver - were captured by Greenfield police Tuesday night. Others along for the ride? The woman's three other children, a 13-month-old girl and two boys, ages 10 and 14, were in the woman's car, according to Greenfield police. Police said the younger boys were aware that their older brother was robbing businesses after planning the holdups with their 37-year-old mother.

You know, at my age, I find this horrible. Absolutely reprehensible. Everything that's wring with this country. Why was this woman allowed to spawn? However, if I were 17, I would think I had the coolest mom in the world.

Shedding the Aquarium

No pics from Shedd. They do this really lame thing for souvenir photos. They have a green screen you can stand in front of and they can insert various parts of the museum in the background. No props, no costumes, either. So, you can't even pretend to be feeding or riding a whale.

The food was much better than The Museum of Science and Industry, however. But the place is also smaller. We were out of there by 1pm. Not complaining, though. They have a lot of mouths to feed. The dollar-to-minute ratio is going to be skewed compared to the MSI.

I thought everything was cool, here. Especially the lizard exhibit and Wild Reef.

Today, The Field Museum during the day and then I go teach a class while my brother hits The Art Institute.

No promises, but I'll see if he wants to do a guest post for tomorrow.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Recently deceased Angel Pantoja of Puerto Rico received his last wish when the funeral home arranged for him to be what at his wake?"

27% said "dressed in a chicken costume"
- A Furry Funeral?

18% said "made into a lamp"
- Someone took shop class in high school a little too seriously.

No one said "covered in Post-It notes from loved ones"
- If nobody takes this idea, I'm all over it. Did I mention I would also be naked?

55% got it right with "standing up and wearing his Yankees hat"

According to The Associated Press, a funeral home used a special embalming treatment to keep the corpse of 24-year-old Angel Pantoja Medina standing upright for his three-day wake.

Dressed in a Yankees baseball cap and sunglasses, Pantoja was mourned by relatives while propped upright in his mother's living room.

His brother Carlos told the El Nuevo Dia newspaper the victim had long said he wanted to be upright for his own wake: "He wanted to be happy, standing."

Not sure why they stood him in a corner, except to scare the crap out of anyone coming around that doorway. And behind a plant? It does make me wonder what they did with his hands. Hmm, add that to my Post-It note request.

The Museum of Science and Brainwashing

Yesterday, my brother Don and I spent the day at The Museum of Science and Industry. Some really cool stuff and some not really cool stuff. The cool stuff involved the Mold-O-Ramas! I'm holding my Mold-O-Rama submarine in the picture above.

Here's a close-up from a website devoted to the art that is Mold-O-Rama!


Here's a picture of a Mold-O-Rama Machine...


The machine says 25 cents, as they were back in the day. The machine at MSI looks just the same. The only advance in design and technology is in its ability to accept dollar bills and charge $1.50.

The Cool Stuff: The Coal Mine Tour, The Poop Happens Show, that thing with the big globe in the center of the room, The Smart Home Tour, The U-Boat Tour.

The Not-So-Cool Stuff: A section devoted to the farm industry that promoted factory farming - trying to make it seem quaint - and GMO's to children, overpriced and lame museum food, the crappy dinosaur movie at the Omnimax (I dozed off a few times) - come on folks, if you can't do CGI well, then why throw it up on a giant five-story screen.

Still, we had a great time. Gabe Garza is a good friend of mine who works there and, if you get the chance, seek him out for the U-Boat Tour. The man really throws himself into it and makes you feel like none of you may come out the boat alive - in a good way, not a psycho wielding a knife way.

We topped off the day by heading to Argyle Street and hitting Tank Noodles. My poor sheltered brother had never experienced such a place and is dying to go back. Tank rocks.

Today - The Shedd Aquarium!

THAT BREEDERS VIDEO

Got an e-mail from Steve Delahoyde, the co-director and main man behind the project. The Breeders have put it up on their website in its fully intended glory. You have the ability to toggle between four different perspectives of the video. Pretty cool.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In order to raise awareness of HIV prevention in India, the charity organization BBC Word Service Trust recently introduced what?"

44% said "celebrity condom endorsements"
- Its effectiveness would depend on the celebrity. Angelina Jolie wants me to buy a condom? Be right back. Ann Coulter wants me to buy a condom? Let me grab a kitchen knife.

12% said "people dressed as condoms passing out condoms"
- Walking down an overcrowded, dirty street in India, that's the only way I'd dress.

No one bought "free condoms with Happy Meals"
- Seemed like a good idea to me. A gentle reminder to the parents what could have been.

44% got it right with "condom ringtones"

According to the AFP, a cellphone ringtone that chants "condom, condom!" has been launched in India to promote safe sex and tackle the growing HIV/AIDS epidemic.

The "condom a cappella" has been designed to break down Indians' reluctance to discuss condom use and to make wearing a condom more acceptable.

Probably not something you want to have go off on a first date. Or have your girlfriend find out that you have her sister's number assigned to it.

The ringtone itself is pretty funny, as it is intended to be. You can hear it HERE.