Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Up On The Roof

QUICK WRITING TIP

After you have completed the first draft of your scene, go back through it form the perspective of each character. If you have a six person scene, that means reading through it six times. Look at each moment of the scene from that character's perspective. Where did they just come from? Where are they going to? What's on their mind? What would they do or say or want in that moment?

Not only will this help bring your characters (and scene) to life, it will help eliminate scenes where a characters gets left out to dry with nothing to say or do for a page or two.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY


Yesterday, I asked...

"A Fort Pierce Florida man came home last week to find a woman on his roof who refused to leave unless he did what?"


62% said "Flashed his porch lights so the UFO could find her"
- No one told her the mother ship doesn't pick up hitch hikers.

No one said "Caught her when she jumped" or "Pretended he was Santa"

38% got it right with "Gave her more beer"

According to TCPalm, when the Binney Drive resident returned from work Wednesday night, he noticed something that could be considered unusual — a 28-year-old woman drinking beer on his roof.

He reportedly told Amber D. Smith, of the 700 block of North Indian River Drive, several times to get down from the roof and leave, but she “objected and refused to do so,” according to a recently released police report.

Police were dispatched about 9:15 p.m. to a “drunk pedestrian on the roof” and arriving officers heard the man twice tell Smith to leave. Smith reportedly said she’d leave if the 37-year-old man gave her more beer, police reported.

Smith faces a disorderly intoxication charge.

And a formal complaint from the local roofing contractors union. Only they are allowed to be on a roof intoxicated.





Monday, December 15, 2008

The Man Who Threw Too Much...


...at the man who knows so little.


This from
The Washington Post


BAGHDAD, Dec. 15 -- Arriving here on Sunday for a surprise farewell visit, President Bush staunchly defended a war that has taken far more time, money and lives than anticipated, but he received a taste of local resentment toward his policies when an Iraqi journalist hurled two shoes at him at a news conference.

Bush has gone on record saying he thought this was "hilarious."

Throwing a shoe at someone is considered the worst possible insult in Iraq and is meant to show extreme disrespect and contempt. When U.S. forces helped topple a statue of Iraqi ruler Saddam Hussein after rolling into Baghdad in April 2003, jubilant Iraqis beat the statue's face with their shoes.

Bush was not injured and joked about the incident minutes later: "If you want the facts, it's a size 10 shoe that he threw."

No one in the room filled with Iraqi journalists laughed at the joke. Except Bush.

The journalist, identified as Muntadar al-Zaidi, a reporter with the Cairo-based al-Baghdadia television network, was kidnapped by Shiite militiamen last year and was later released.

After Bush left Iraq, the al-Baghdadia network released a statement demanding Zaidi's release from Iraqi custody "to spare his life." It was unclear Sunday night what charges he might face for throwing the shoes.

"Any step taken against him will be a reminder of the dictatorial time and the violence and lack of freedom that Iraqis faced," the statement said.


CNN reports...

...that Bush compared the shoe-throwing incident with heckling during a political rally and described it as "a way to gain attention"

"Let me talk about the guy throwing his shoe. It's one way to gain attention. It's like going to a political rally and having people yell at you. It's like driving down the street and having people not gesturing with all five fingers.

"It's a way for people to draw attention. I don't know what the guy's cause is. But one thing is for certain. He caused you to ask me a question about it. I didn't feel the least bit threatened by it."

"I don't know what the guy's cause is?"

You invaded his country and liberated roughly a million civilians from their mortal coil and you think he might be from Greenpeace? His cause is expressing pain and anger.

If you watch the video, Bush is smiling while dodging the airborne footwear. I think he's having a "big dog"moment where he's really excited about his ability to adequately duck shoes. He does everything but fetch. Not only is this guy out of touch with the American people, he's out of touch in countries where he considers himself a hero.

Now, I get that to an American, having a shoe thrown at you, while also insulting, isn't that big of deal, unless it's a steel-toed work boot or something Gene Simmons might wear. Or from PayLess. If you're going to try to insult me, have the courtesy to hit me with some fine italian leather. Size 7 (shut up, I have small feet, and, no, it's not true what they say about guys with small feet!).

According to the BBC, in Arab culture it's considered rude even to display the sole of one's shoe to a fellow human being. Certainly, crossing one's legs ankle-on-knee style should never be done in a public place for fear of offending the person next to you. The sensitivity is related to the fact shoes are considered ritually unclean in the Muslim faith.

And Bush thought it was as hilarious as a Three Stooges Marathon.

Other things George W. Bush thinks is hilarious...

- Being urinated on by dogs.

- Being pooped on by birds.

- Having his limo egged.

- Getting kicked in the nuts.

- Being spat on.

- torture


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Darnell L. Frazier tried to lie about his identity to St. Paul, Minnesota police, but forget that he what?"

80% said "Had on his McDonald's uniform and name tag."

- Nope. Think dumber.

No one said "Had on his "Darnell L. Frazier is God" t-shirt." or "Had spent Thanksgiving with the arresting officer."

20% got it right with "Had tattooed his name to his neck."


According to The Star Tribune, an officer stopped two men walking in the street at Forest Street and Minnehaha Avenue. One was "evasive" about his identification, telling the officer he had never had a photo ID. He said his name was Darnell Lewis, spokesman Peter Panos said.

The officer, however, noticed that the man had "Frazier" tattooed on his neck.

Frazier was arrested on four misdemeanor warrants, including driving after license revocation, driving after suspension and no proof of insurance.

He also had at least two felony warrants for his arrest: a probation violation in Jackson County for bringing a stolen vehicle into Minnesota and a failure to appear in Hennepin County on a drug charge.






The 25-year-old St. Paul man is currently residing in the Ramsey County jail getting the name of another prisoner tattooed to his lower backside.




Friday, December 12, 2008

Busy Friday

OJ

My I Believe... post Wednesday about OJ spurred a few unexpected heated comments - on the blog and off the blog. I find it unlikely that he is guilty of double-murder, but don't know for sure. I do know that in a court of law, he was declared innocent. And if our court system is to have any meaning, I contend that the verdict needs to be respected.

There's a very good break down of the case done by the deputy district attorney of Los Angeles. He was not involved in the prosecution of the case, but has some very insightful things to say. And, by the way, he thinks O.J. is guilty. Read it HERE.


BETTIE PAGE




Sigh. Rest in peace. Know that you will live forever in the dreams of young men and old geezers all around the world.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Pencil drawings of a secret weapon Nazis were working on in the final days of WWII are for sale. The weapon was called the what?"


44% said "Good Night"
- Sweet dreams...BOOM!

22% said "Deadly Sausage"
- Just add sauerkraut.

12% said "The Ark of the Covenant"
- We all know how that turned out.

22% got it right with "Silent Dart"

According to The Daily Mail, with deadly accuracy and at speeds of up to 700mph, it could have pinpointed Nazi targets and wreaked havoc on Britain.

At least, that is what German scientists believed as they plotted this weapon of terror.

Hitler became increasingly desperate for a way to thwart his enemies at the end of the Second World War.

And so the Nazis dreamed up the Silent Dart.

The glider would be released from a larger aircraft. Guided by a Luftwaffe pilot inside, the dart would dive towards the ground carrying its 1,000kg bomb.

At the last moment, the pilot would release the bomb and inflate a huge balloon attached to the craft.

As the bomb hit its target, the balloon was supposed to whisk the glider far up above the danger area, so it could travel to safety.

The plans, which have come to light more than 60 years after their creation, may sound implausible - but pencil drawings of the dart found by the Allies in July 1945 show that for the Nazis, it may have seemed a real possibility.




So, essentially, the Nazis ran out of ideas and were working on the equivalent of a bird dropping an explosive poop.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Dressed and Served

THEATRE REVIEW

Don't Dress for Dinner
written by Marc Camoletti
adapted by Robin Hawdon
directed by John Tillinger
featuring Jeffrey Donovan, Patricia Kalember, Mark Harelik, Spencer Kayden, Jamie Morgan and Chris Sullivan
produced by Damian Arnold
presented by The British Stage Company
at The Royal George Theatre Center
Through Jan. 11
1641 N. Halsted St.
Tickets: $49.50-$59.50 at 312-988-9000
.


When considering all the theater companies in America, including community theaters and academic institutions, there is a massive trade deficit when it comes to farce. While our amateur stages are littered with French and British sex farces so folks can giggle at seeing their dentist Jerry dressed in drag and running about the stage, we seem unable to send very much across the pond.

Not that we're not capable of it. I think because we have seen so much of it done poorly, we tend to relegate it to sitcoms and focus our stage energy towards, ugh, mounting stories that have already proven themselves on film.

Farce is one of the most difficult forms to write well. It is building a house of cards in a hurricane. One false move, one character not behaving in a way that makes sense, and the whole thing tumbles before the first act is over. The story and the script and be exceptional, but the performances can easily derail the proceedings. Wink and nudge too much and all believability and emotional investment is zapped. Under playing it can also keep the laughs from taking off.

Farce done well is a beautiful thing. Don't Dress for Dinner is a beautiful thing. It's not the perfect blend of play and playmakers, but in the few spots where the plot runs thin or the dialogue tries too hard for jokes, the actors excel and keep it together.

I personally was very excited to see this show for a few reasons. I am a huge fan of Burn Notice and think Jeffrey Donovan is brilliant in that show. It is no surprise that he handles farce as deftly as he handles dodging bullets and chasing bad guys. When he, Mark Harelik and Spencer Kayden take the stage, it's a lesson in verbal and physical acrobatics. Mark Harelik is one of my favorite character actors. GEEK ALERT: He played Devore Inspector Kashyk on one of the better episodes of Star Trek:Voyager and played the Russian ballet obsessed Count Kurushu in the classic Angel episode Waiting in the Wings. You might know him best from one of my favorite satirical films, Election, where he plays Matthew Broderick's friend and fellow teacher who has an affair with student Reese Witherspoon.

And as much work that Harelik, Donovan and Kalember do to keep tightly twisting the rubberband-like plot lines, it's Spencer Kayden who steals the show. The last time I saw Spencer on stage was nearly twenty years ago in the early days of Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind. Spencer seals herself up in the role of the hired french cook who walks away with many extra tips and laughs.

The plot itself starts off very much like any B-level American sitcom. Bernie (Harelik) is trying to rush his departing wife (Kalember) out the door so she doesn't cross paths with his mistress (Morgan). Just before leaving, she discovers that her husband's best friend Robert (Bernie's safety net alibi) is also coming over for the weekend. Unbeknownst to Bernie, his wife and Robert are also having an affair, so she changes her plans to stay.

Although it starts out as a typical imported sex farce, the stakes start to rise quickly and the methodical plot twists start flying. It's head-spinning, but in a good way. My only complaints are a very false note at the very end (post-climax) that I didn't buy happening with Donovan's character and, at times, the fight choreography comes across a bit stilted and calculated.

Nevertheless, good farce is hard to find and I had a great time. Well worth seeing.

THE RETURN OF WHEELCHAIR WEREWOLF!


Wheelchair Werewolf is a movie trailer parody by Joe Avella for which I did the voice-over. At Atom.com, WW is in a showdown. It's a weekly voter-based contest, and the winner gets played on Comedy Central. Voting ends soon, so get on it. Click HERE. Just takes a second to sigh-up to vote. We already contributed a million dollar to Rod Blagojevich to get him to vote for us.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Le Trung from Canada was having trouble finding a girlfriend, so he did what?"


50% said "dug up one"
- Ew.

34% said "advertised on national TV for one"
- Didn't work until he threw in the ShamWow.

No one said "stole one"

16% said "built one"

According to The Sun, computer ace Le, 33, from Ontario, Canada, has spent two years and £14,000 building his dream girl. He had planned to make an android to care for the elderly.But his project strayed off-course. Le said: “Aiko is what happens when science meets beauty.” Robo-wife Aiko starts the day by reading Le the main newspaper headlines. The couple often go for a drive in the countryside, where Aiko proves a whizz at directions. And they always sit down for dinner together in the evening, although Aiko doesn’t have much of an appetite.

Le says his relationship with Aiko hasn’t strayed into the bedroom, but a few “tweaks” could turn her into a sexual partner.

A few tweaks and he'll be able to have sex with Aiko? Okay, time to turn this project over to the Americans. When it comes to sex and technology, we know our stuff. I know I can get those tweaks done with a mellon baller and a can of lube.





You build a hot looking robot slave and this is how you dress her? This guy really needs some sexy robot schooling.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I Believe...

...that OJ Simpson might possibly be the most screwed over man in America, if not the world. He was proven innocent in a court of law. Period. Then got slammed with a 30 million dollar wrongful death suit. In an act of desperation and extreme stupidity, he tried to regain trinkets being sold because they once belonged to him. I feel sorry for this man. The murder of his ex-wife and her friend was brutal and horrifying, but OJ has been tarred, feathered, bankrupted and shamed for a crime no one has been able to prove he committed.

...that people are scared about the economy. The good news, if one can draw good news out of the current state of affairs, is that it has drawn massive amounts of attention to what is wrong in our country - a greedy corrupt healthcare system, failing infrastructure, crooked politicians, an insane and dangerous trade deficit, outsourcing, ailing auto companies, etc. The bottom line is that this is a great country and we do really care about one another and that, with strong leadership, is what will pull us through and put us on course.

...that the hubris of the House theater to equate a Chicago without them would make this city St. Louis is an insult to St. Louis and all the other theater companies in the Windy City. The theater scene in Chicago, as I see it, is vibrant, exciting, creative and downright huge. And I have never seen a House production or been to St. Louis.

...that Rod Blagojevich is a douchebag. I have always been in is corner and attributed talk about corruption to rumor mill fodder and disgruntled republicans trying to manufacture a way to bring him down. The evidence he tried to sell Obama's senate seat looks irrefutable. I feel burned. Here's a man that deserves to share a cell with OJ so OJ can feel better about himself. I wonder if I can sue Rod for my "wrongful vote" for him.

...that cheese is the whore of the food world. It will sit on top of anything along with anything. It won't give you an STD, but it will leave a knot in your colon the size of a small fist. Enjoy.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY


Yesterday, I asked...

"In a memo to all high-ranking officials, The White House issued talking points on how to refer to Bush's last eight years. It states, 'Above all, George W. Bush promised to...' what?"


37% said "do God's will."
- If this is true and Bush did do God's will, then God is dead. Or a real jerk.

36% said "keep America safe."
- And he has kept Americans safe from terrorists, just not from George W. Bush.

9% said "grow the economy and provide jobs."
- That plan hasn't worked out so well, not that George has noticed.

18% got it right with "uphold the honor and dignity of his office."

According to The Los Angeles Times, in case any Bush administration officials have trouble summing up the boss' record, the White House is providing a few helpful suggestions.

A two-page memo that has been sent to Cabinet members and other high-ranking officials offers a guide for discussing Bush's eight-year tenure during their public speeches.

The memo closes with a reference to Bush's 1999 memoir, "A Charge to Keep":

"Above all, George W. Bush promised to uphold the honor and the dignity of his office. And through all the challenges and trials of his time in office, that is a charge that our president has kept."

He has? George W. Bush has kept his promise to uphold the honor and the dignity of his office. How? By NOT getting blow jobs from an intern? I'd feel better about this guy if I knew he was getting a little something-something and not pointing his boner towards Iraq.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

When Life Gives You Lumps...

Make Lumponade?




Judy Fabjance is one of my favorite persons in the world. Sweet, caring, funny, loves animals, has a great partner and a wonderful baby. I met her while she was working for the training center over ten years ago and performing in the early days of GayCo. I had one of those secret "maybe she's not really gay" crushes on her.

She's one of the most positive persons I know. And she has cancer. Just found out yesterday and I was waiting/hoping to find out it was a joke.

Her family has set up a blog tracking her progress and allow friends to post their prayers and wishes and assorted healthy vibes.

If you don't get a chance to read all the updates, at least check out her initial welcome post HERE.



YES, I COULD WATCH THIS ALL DAY



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY


Yesterday, I asked...

"A report published by CHEMTrust shows that pollution has caused more occurrences of what in males?"


61% said "male pattern baldness"
- That's what I get for wearing asbestos hats.

15% said "backne"
- That's from swimming in Lake Michigan.

9% said "unibrows"
- Blame my mom for that.

15% got it right with "feminized genitalia"

According to The Independent, the male gender is in danger, with incalculable consequences for both humans and wildlife, startling scientific research from around the world reveals.

The research shows that a host of common chemicals is feminising males of every class of vertebrate animals, from fish to mammals, including people.

Backed by some of the world's leading scientists, who say that it "waves a red flag" for humanity and shows that evolution itself is being disrupted, the report comes out at a particularly sensitive time for ministers.

So, what does feminized male genitalia look like? Like this, of course.



Stay away from bees.

Monday, December 8, 2008

If You Don't Have Anything To Say, Shut The F@ck Up

As the Improv Program Coordinator at Columbia, one of the responsibilities to come under my guard is providing guidance and love for Improv Club. Improv Club is a weekly improv drop-in workshop open to any and all Columbia College students. Yesterday was the last IC of the semester and my goal was to bring in a reputable improv master for the students. I couldn't find a reputable one, so I called Don Hall.

Seriously, though, Hall was the kick in the pants these students needed to get them through their holiday break improv withdrawals. The man spouted improv wisdom like a sprinkler system on high. While observing him deftly and enthusiastically demonstrating and engaging the students to press to new levels of skill, I sat in the back of the room and tried to catch some of the nuggets flying about.

1) If you're not failing, you're not learning. Improv is disposable theater. Once you have done a scene, it is gone. If it didn't work, it's gone. Learn from it and take what you learn into your next improvisation.

2) Improv doesn't work most of the time. That's what makes it interesting and so wonderful when it does work.

3) If you don't have anything to say, shut the fuck up. Basically, don't talk in a scene for the sake of flapping your jaws and filling silence. Use the silence to explore and discover what the scene is about.

4) Hurt is more interesting than anger. Not that anger has no place in a scene, but hurt affords you more places to go. Anger, if used, is a place to build up to.

5) Go for what you want without ever asking for it. I have said this about writing. It's a dysfunctional playland. Drop hints, bribe, seduce, pull whatever tactic you realistically can to go for what you want. But once you directly ask for it and get a response, the scene's pretty much over.

6) Say would you would say or do what you would do. Pretty simple. Many of us to use improv to fulfil our fantasies of what we would really like to say in situations and that is possible, but it's a place to build up to. Start with what you would do or say.

7) A third entrance can be tactically used to heighten a scene. It can do this by directly engaging the other two scene partners by being in relationship with them or it can do so by fleshing out an unknown environment.


I probably missed about a dozen others. It was a good reminder for me that, as a teacher, I learn a lot by watching other teachers.


POLE-DANCING ROBOTS


I would so run out of dollar bills at this place. Can't wait til they remake Flash Dance with robots. Anyone up for Flash Drive?




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY


Yesterday, I asked...

"The world's first zero-star hotel has opened in Switzerland inside a converted what?"


30% said "goat barn"
- That's not a chocolate on your pillow!

30% said "sewer"
- They cater only to mutated martial arts turtles going through puberty.

10% said "landfill"
- That's a Motel 6.

30% got it right with "nuclear bunker"

According to The Sun, beds are on offer for just £6 a night at the world’s first zero-star hotel — based in a converted nuclear bunker.

But guests at the no-frills establishment will have to put up with hot water bottles rather than central heating.

And they will be given a pair of earplugs to help blot out the racket from the ventilation system.

Standard beds at the austere Null Stern (No Star) hotel in Sevelen, near Zurich, Switzerland, are military-style bunks.

Eleven pounds extra buys a “luxury” room, with “antique” beds from a condemned hotel.

Complimentary slippers are provided for walking across the icy concrete floors — while customers enter a draw to decide who gets the luxury of a hot morning shower.

And with no windows, the only view of the outside world is via a row of monitors in reception.

What they don't explain about the shower, is that you get hosed down and scrubbed by two guys in hazmat suits.

This sounds like it would be fun for about one or two hours on the first night. The novelty would wear off rather quickly. Here's a patron leisurely reading about better hotels he could have stayed in if he had ponied up the money.