Regardless of what you celebrate or if you celebrate - My Christmas Day celebration will consist of visiting my mother, eating at a Chinese buffet in Sandusky, Ohio and seeing Quantum of Solace(we re-watched Casino Royale last night to prepare) - hope this time of year finds you in touch with the people and things that you love the most in life.
Like guns!
See that cold, steely look in my eye? The set jaw? The stain on the floor? That's me shooting a magnum at the Oak Harbor Conservation Club. Not sure what they are out to conserve given that the building and outdoors seems primarily devoted to putting bullet-sized holes in things.
Not bad. I hit the paper less than 10% of the time. Take that, bad guys. Don't mess with me or I will blow a small portion of you away.
Yeah. Don't look for me hanging out at the local gun swaps anytime soon. THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"Uriel Oliva of Los Angeles was arrested in Orange County after a photo was discovered of him doing what?"
No one said "flashing his bling-bling at cops,""flashing his private parts at nuns," or "flashing his camera at celebrities"
100% got it right with "flashing gang signs on Santa"
(Unfortunately, I was having problems with blogger and what git cut off from the end of the right answer is "-'s lap." Make more sense now?)
According to KTLA News, an alleged gang member has landed himself in jail for flashing gang signs in a photo he took while sitting on Santa's lap.
Uriel Oliva, 18, was arrested early last week after a visit with Santa at the Village Mall in Orange.
Police say that Oliva was under a court order not to associate with members of his street gang, engage in gang activity or hang out at the Village Mall when the photo was taken Dec. 16.
The picture included Oliva and two other members of the Orange County Criminals gang. Oliva's probation officer apparently spotted the photo on a keychain during a probation check.
He has been sentenced to a lump of coal in his stocking.
(Skipping the "I Believes" for today. Might hit them tomorrow for Christmas.)
This is Liberty. My brother Bob's newest dog. He also has a greyhound named Rush. Don has a mutt dog named Cheyenne who is a sweetie and slowing down a bit in her old age. All three are females and the only source of feminine energy in this household. My younger brother treats his girls very well and I think the care has lead to him drinking a little less and losing weight.
My soon-to-be 50 older brother decorates his room like he's trying to recapture lost dorm room days.
Nothing says "Welcome, ladies" like a beach babe laying prone in the sand for a seaside pelvic exam.
He also recently bought a gun.
Ever since reading The Road, my brother is convinced that in the next few years we'll all be pushing shopping carts and expanding our definition of food to include one another. I'm a little more optimistic and will never own a gun. We're going to a shooting range later today where I will get to shoot a gun for the first time. I'm actually looking forward to it. I feel like I should know a little something about guns so I can be more informed about adamantly not having one.
"Istanbul-based Baydan Shoes says they have had an increased demand for Model 271, otherwise known as the what?"
72% said "The Bush Whacker" - Nope. That's what it would have been called had they included me in their product focus group.
18% said "The Good-Bye Kiss" - A sole kiss? Be sure to use plenty of tongue.
No one said "The Flogger"
10% got it right with "The Bush Shoe"
According to BBC News, Istanbul-based Baydan Shoes claims it made the shoes and says it now has tens of thousands of orders from around the world - including from the US and Iraq.
The shoe was called Model 271 but has been renamed Bush shoe, the firm said.
However, the brother of shoe-throwing journalist Muntaderal-Zaidi says he believes the shoes were Iraqi-made.
Durghamal-Zaidi criticised people he said were trying to exploit his brother's actions for commercial gain.
Whereas I applaud them for learning well from America. We'll turn that region into an American colony yet!
My younger brother Bob doesn't want anything for Christmas. If you do anything for him, make a donation to The North Coast Greyhound Connection. Admirable. I haven't done that, yet, but did buy two flying chickens (chewy, fetchy dog toys - no actual chickens were harmed) for his dogs Rush and Liberty to play with.
My older brother Don continues to get healthier. I am writing this at his computer and am sitting on a huge yoga ball. He has ditched his office chair and replaced it with a yoga ball. I guess it's better for your back, but I am in fear of rolling off and bouncing my head off his treadmill at any moment.
I bought three ugly Christmas sweaters, as my brothers had requested, for a family picture on Thursday. They were unable to find any in Ohio. It's not that they don't make or sell them here. Oh, they do. They were looking in the wrong place. Men, if you want an ugly Christmas sweater, you won't find it in the Mens' section of a department store. You'll only find goofy holiday ties and boxer shorts there. Only women are brave enough to openly display these wool-poly blend monsters of textile art. The three sweaters I bought were from the Plus Size Womens' Section of a K-Mart. I had to convince my brothers that it was okay to wear a woman's sweater, especially since the goal was to look ridiculous. They conceded, but suggested we keep the tags on so I can return them.
Today, I eat porridge (my brother made porridge and it is good), post my grades for my Columbia students, do some exploring around the iced-over town, meet my brother to go pick up raw milk from a farm in Maumee and then take some over to my cousin Nate.
I'm glad I was able to come in to town early to be able to do these things. It's good to come back to where you came from to get in touch with your roots and affirm why you got the hell out of here in the first place.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"For the first time ever at Christmas, the same song, different cover versions of an older song, holds the number one and two spot on the British music charts. The original song is what?"
66% said "John Lennon's "Happy Christmas - War is Over"" - Happy Christmas! No one did a cover of this classic and had a hit with it.
9% said "Randy Brooks' "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer"" - This American classic remains unsullied by a British invasion.
No one thought it was "David Seville's "Christmas Don't Be Late" - Probably would have received a few votes of I had mention is was David Seville AND THE CHIPMUNKS. But it would still be as wrong as when it came out in 1958.
25 % got it right with "Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah""
According to Cape Argus News, Leonard Cohen's song Hallelujah has made British chart history, becoming both number one and number two in the Christmas singles charts - although both versions are covers.
Alexandra Burke took the top slot with her version after winning the TV talent show X Factor this month, and fans of US musician Jeff Buckley got his classic version to number two through downloads.
Sony/BMG would really prefer I not embed the Jeff Buckley music video of "Hallelujah" but you can find it HERE.
Same for Alexandra Burke's belted out American Idolized version of the same song. You can find it HERE.
The first one by Buckley is more heartfelt and sincere. Burke's version, however, is the thick slab of cheese I demand from my pop star Christmas carols. His is better, but she wins. Life is unfair. Merry Christmas. Enjoy the porridge.
The advantage to not being in a relationship around the holidays is that I only have to fit in one family. The last two years have been "surgical strikes" - see her parents in Indiana Christmas eve, see mine Christmas day, drive home the day after Christmas. This year, I'm leaving for Ohio this afternoon and coming back on Saturday. I'm looking forward to spending more time relaxing into the week, hanging out with my brothers, eating good food, seeing some high school friends and extended family.
Being gone for so long meant...cat sitter. I considered bringing the critters with me, but they hate riding in the car and it's a six hour drive (possibly more as I will be stopping at truck stops along the way looking for gaudy Christmas sweaters. I'll tell you about that later.) Plus, my brother Bob has two retired greyhounds he adopted and I wouldn't want them to confuse the cats for mechanical racetrack rabbits. Houdini and Oona are okay on their own at home for two-three days, past that, they start ordering pizzas on-line and running up their credit cards. My friend Cate has graciously volunteered to be their buddy while I'm gone. That means she's entitled to gingerbread cookies and that really great chocolate nutty ball candy thing I can't pronounce that's like eating an angel's testicles.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
On Friday, I asked...
"A pediatric neurosurgeon says a tumor he removed from the brain of a Colorado Springs infant contained a what?"
50% said "image of the Virgin Mary" - Sorry. It was Elvis. So close!
8% said "part of a condom" - There's a fine line between "most effective" and "100% effective" and that fine line is really an umbilical cord.
No one said "small stone"
42% got it right with "foot"
According to The Huffington Post, a pediatric neurosurgeon says a tumor he removed from the brain of a Colorado Springs infant contained a tiny foot and other partially formed body parts.
Dr. Paul Grabb said he operated on Sam Esquibel at Memorial Hospital for Children after an MRI showed a tumor on the newborn's brain. Sam was 3 days old and otherwise healthy.
Grabb said that while removing the growth, he discovered it contained a nearly perfect foot and the formation of another foot, a hand and a thigh.
The growth may have been a case of "fetus in fetu" _ in which a fetal twin begins to form within another _ but such cases very rarely occur in the brain, Grabb said.
The baby's doing fine, by the way. Meanwhile, Stephen King wannabees everywhere, start your novels!
Don't get too creeped out by this photo. It's not the actual picture, just a stock baby foot photo. The rest of the baby is on the other side of those hands.Must be an ugly baby since they're only willing to show the bottom of the left foot.
This is a snippet from a school play called Santa Goes Green performed somewhere in Texas.
According to the Lone Star Times, a letter is circulating among conservative parents expressing outrage.
Here's a portion of the letter describing the show, with my comments in parentheses...
"The program Santa Goes Green began with a lively number Merry, Merry Christmas. The children’s chorus sang Christmas wishes to the audience as Santa and Mrs. Claus appeared on stage. The show went downhill from there; Mrs. Claus informed Santa how terribly wasteful many traditions are, including how even Rudolf changed his nose to an LED light, all the while forgetting that the original was lit by an inner light of love that did not use power at all. (I actually don't remember his nose being powered by the inner light of love at all. It goes off at embarrassing moments. As a kid, I equated this with getting boners in class or on the school bus. And Rudolph being a mutant.)
The soloists, during The Greenhouse Effect, preformed admirably. The argument that cutting down trees would make the North Pole as hot as Mexico was laughable. When lumber companies “Clear Cut” they also replant, which is why trees are considered a renewable resource. (Yah, global warming naivete aside, this jerk clearly hasn't looked at any topographical pictures of the Amazon rain forest. Even if what they say is true, replacing a 100-year-old tree with a sapling ain't a fair swap.)
Next, Santa was encouraged to use an “Electric Sleigh” for his Christmas Eve Deliveries in the tune called Turn Off the Pump(and Plug in the Sleigh). If the writer of this piece of political propaganda had thought it through, they would realize that Santa already uses the most ecological source of power; hay burning reindeer whose “exhaust” can be used as compost. (This is true, but a very exploitative and abusive use of animals. Santa's route is flying Iditarod. He probably loses a few reindeer to exhaustion along the way and brings the carcasses home to feed the elves on December 26th for a Christmas bonus. Not to mention all the ozone-depleting methane he's producing. )"
Now, I get the parents being pissed about a school kid's Christmas show having a political message, regardless of the message. But I love that they did this. I wish we had done this when I was in elementary school. Of course, back then, "being green" was called "ecology" and only hippies knew what it meant. A more prominent political issue was the Vietnam War. I would love for us to have done an Apocoplypse Now meets Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer show. A Marlon Brando-esque Santa is taken down by Herbie the aspiring dentist elf. "The horror, the ho-ho-ho-horror..."
The letter ends with...
"I fled the auditorium as soon as possible. I was angry and offended. I would have left in the middle of the show, except I was sitting in the middle of the row and I did not want to hurt my grand-daughter’s feelings by walking out in the middle of her big night. The premise of the show was awful. It drained the joy of Christmas from my very soul."
It drained the joy of Christmas from your very soul? I have news for you. If the joy of Christmas can be so easily tapped and syphoned out of your soul tank, you ain't got any. Make sure you stuff Bill O'Reilly's latest book into your granddaughter's stocking.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"Responding to complaints about noise, Berlin, Germany police found a 60-year-old man sharing his two-room flat with what?"
54% said "1 horse" - Keeping a horse in an apartment? That's not very stable. (Thank you, goodnight, tip your waitress!)
9% said "Anne Frank's relatives" - As long as they keep coughing up dough for rent, I see no need to tell them WW2 is over.
No one said "50 cats"
36% got it right with "1,700 birds"
According to the AFP, Berlin city officials, summoned by complaints over the noise, found a 60-year-old man sharing his two-room flat with 1,700 budgerigars.
The budgies were living on perches installed along the walls, while the floors were saturated with droppings, veterinary services said here Wednesday.
The pensioner told officials he had adopted two birds because he felt lonely and that nature had done the rest.
About 1,000 of the birds were evacuated on Tuesday, 300 on Wednesday, while the remainder were to be taken from the flat to a rescue shelter over the next few days, officials said.
The tenant was also having to move as the flat was deemed no longer fit for human habitation.
He started with two birds and ended up with 1,700 because they were getting it on? This must have been a constant 24/7 bird orgy. What was he doing the whole time? Serving cocktails? Videotaping for the bird porn fetishists? I think if your birds start to over run the place and you have to walk through a layer of bird poop whenever you walk across the room, time to start frying up some budgie omelets to reduce the surplus population. And that's from a vegetarian!
Our governor got caught trying to sell Obama's senate seat and won't resign or be impeached?
Thank God there's still things like this to make me laugh.
I saw this sign in a laundromat window on Broadway in Rogers Park. For $1.99, they will give you one quick exhalation of breath. They're pretty good at it. You'll need to spend the .99 to get your shirt clean. THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"The parents of a three-year-old were denied by a New Jersey supermarket to put the boy's full name on his birthday cake because his name is what?"
38% said "Ben Ladin" - Who just happens to be best friends with Al Queda.
23% said "Jesus Satan Johnson" - You can call him Mike.
9% said "Sadam Hussein Mitchell" - Such an unfortunate last name.
30% got it right with "Adolph Hitler Campbell"
According to The Associated Press, a supermarket is defending itself for refusing to a write out 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell's name on his birthday cake. Deborah Campbell, 25, of nearby Hunterdon County, N.J., said she phoned in her order last week to the Greenwich ShopRite. When she told the bakery department she wanted her son's name spelled out, she was told to talk to a supervisor, who denied the request.
Karen Meleta, a ShopRite spokeswoman, said the store denied similar requests from the Campbells the last two years, including a request for a swastika.
"We reserve the right not to print anything on the cake that we deem to be inappropriate," Meleta said. "We considered this inappropriate."
The Campbells ultimately got their cake decorated at a Wal-Mart in Pennsylvania, Deborah Campbell said Tuesday.
Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because "no one else in the world would have that name."
The Campbells' two other children are named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, who turns 2 in a few months, and HonszlynnHinler Jeannie Campbell, who will be 1 in April.
I wish I were joking about the names of the other kids. It's where I was going to go to find a joke in this. Yikes! The good news is, kids grow up to rebel against their parents. Little Adolph could be the next Ghandi. But hopefully he won't give his kids names like Mother Teresa or Buddha.
...that the more Bush and Cheney give interviews in with their attempt at a victory lap around the White House, the more likely we're going to see a "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!" moment. They have both already come close, with Cheney admitting to condoning torture. Let's get these guys on The View!
...that celebrities should not be allowed to name their own children.
...that the Secret Service is ready for George to leave and he's not worth risking a life for. They won't even try to block a flying shoe. Or a second one.
...that the art of "chilling" is very important to help one see things clearly. When filled with either angst or anticipation, I remind myself to step back, take a breath, check in with myself on what I really want, and then I step forward and make an ass of myself.
...that I think Al Franken is doing a great job at making sure all votes are counted in Minnesota. If there's one thing we learned in 2000, count all the votes. The guy screaming the loudest to stop the recount is the one most afraid of losing.
My favorite option is wearing Snuggies at sporting events. If you don't get beat up, it's the perfect way to sneak in that poisoned Kool-Aide you're all going to drink at halftime.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"HSBC, a financial services organization, recently did a survey to determine the friendliest country in the world. Who won?"
58% said "Germany" -Nein!
No one said "USA! USA! USA!" or "Merry Ol' England"
42% got it right with "Oh, Canada"
According to Forbes, the country that once welcomed the tired, poor, huddled masses is now asking for a little reciprocation. And Canada, Germany and Australia are heeding the call. They top a list of the countries most welcoming to expats. The study surveyed 2,155 expats in 48 countries, spanning four continents, between February and April 2008. Respondents rated their country in four categories: ability to befriend locals, number that joined a community group, number that learned the language and percentage that bought property.
China,India and United Arab Emirates scored low overall because cultural differences from the West made integration difficult.
But they beat the crap out of Canada, Germany and Australia when it came to yummy food.
If an American really wants to make friends in a foreign country, wear your Snuggie. It will inspire awe and admiration. The Arabs and the Indians will think you're at least making an effort to try to fit in. And then they will kill you.
