Week Three, Day Sixteen - "Tit for Tat"

“Tit for Tat”
Written by Joe Janes
2/3/09
16 of 365

CAST:
Dana, 18
Nancy, 40s
Jackie, 40s
Phillip, 40s


(Lights up on a living room. Dana is seated in a chair with an overnight bag at her feet. Nancy stands next to her. Jackie sits off to the side, drinking a can of beer. A car horn is heard outside. Nancy puts her hand on Dana’s shoulder.)

DANA

Mom.

NANCY

If he wants to see you, he’ll get out of his car.

(Dana’s cell phone rings. She picks up.)

DANA

Hi, Dad…I’m ready, but you have to come to the door… Because mom says so.

(We hear a car door open and slam shut. A moment later, there is a knock at the door.)

NANCY

Who is it?

PHILLIP (off)

You know who in hades it is, Nancy. Stop playing games.

(Nancy opens the door.)

NANCY

Why, Phillip, how nice of you to stop by.

PHILLIP (entering)

What’s the big idea? What’s going on, Dana?

DANA

Ask mom. She’s the one having a fit.

NANCY

I wanted to make sure that before you took your daughter away for the weekend that you know for a fact that I had nothing to do with this.

(She holds up Dana’s arm and shows that Dana has a tattoo on her forearm.)

PHILLIP

A tattoo! Oh, Dana. Oh, dear. Oh, my. Why did you get a tattoo of all things?

DANA

It was my eighteenth birthday. I wanted to mark the occasion.

NANCY

Honey, that’s why people buy birthday cards and stuff. That marks an occasion. This marks your arm. For life.

PHILLIP

Your mother’s right. This isn’t some blouse you can return to Sears. What is that?

NANCY

And that’s the other thing.

PHILLIP

It looks like a… saddle on a dinosaur? Oh.

NANCY

So, you recognize it. I had to pry the story out of her.

PHILLIP

Couldn’t you have just gotten a crucifix or something more traditional?

JACKIE

Yeah. So what the hell is a Creation Museum, any way, Phillip? What are you doing dragging our little Dana to places like that? A Creation Museum. Sounds like they should have lots of pictures of people doing it. Not statues of dinosaurs wearing saddles.

NANCY

It’s some freaky Christian thing. They believe the world is only a few thousand years old and that dinosaurs used to roam around in the Garden of Eden.

DANA

They even had a really cool display of them on Noah’s Ark.

JACKIE

Idiots. Noah’s Ark would have made a good explanation for dinosaurs disappearing. Them and unicorns. These Christians, just not thinking right.

NANCY

You’ve been filling up my daughter’s head with all that religious right Sarah Palin Christian stuff and look what she does to her beautiful arm.

PHILLIP

Dana, honey. A tattoo, no matter how you feel about it right now, is something you’re probably going to regret later. Although, that is really good. How much did that cost?

NANCY

Phillip!

PHILLIP

It’s good!

DANA

It was free. Aunt Jackie did it.

JACKIE

Guilty! Aunt Jackie picked up a few handy skills at the state prison.

PHILLIP

You’re not her aunt, you lesbo!

JACKIE (getting up)

You want to step outside, fag bag?

NANCY

You two knock it off. Don’t even talk to each other. What are you going to do about your daughter?

PHILLIP

What are you going to do about your tattoo wielding live-in lover? Why is she giving my daughter tattoos?

NANCY

Why are you filling my daughter’s head with crap?

(Nancy and Phillip start yelling at each other.)

DANA

Hey! Time out! I said, time out! (She separates Phillip and Nancy.) You go over there and you go over there! Now, one thing you both seem to be forgetting, mother and father, is that your daughter turned eighteen last week. I can get a tattoo if I want to. I can believe in any religion I want to. And I don’t care if my Aunt Jackie isn’t really my aunt, I think she’s cool and if she puts her mind to it and goes back to school, she can get a degree and become a real tattoo artist.

JACKIE

Thanks, honey.

DANA

And I also think a dinosaur with a saddle tattooed to my arm is also really frickin’ cool looking regardless of where I got the idea from. So, get over it.

PHILLIP

You're right, Dana. Of course, you can do what you want.

NANCY

I’m sorry, baby. I know you’re all legal, now. I’m going to have to get used to that. You’re still my little baby. I just can’t help caring so much.

DANA

I know, mom.

NANCY

You should show her.

PHILLIP

Oh, no, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

DANA

Show me what?

PHILLIP

Well, Dana, when I was your age, I did a foolish thing. I got a tattoo. One that I really, really regret.

DANA

I want to see it.

JACKIE

Me, too.

PHILLIP

Oh, sheesh. Okay.

(He untucks his shirt in the back and shows them the upper part of his lower back. They all three look at it, Dana and Jackie quizzically.)

DANA

What is that?

JACKIE

It looks like Satan vacuuming.

PHILLIP

That’s exactly what it is.

JACKIE

I think he needs a better vacuum. He’s missing a lot of butt hair.

NANCY

Probably clogged up the nozzle.

PHILLIP (tucking in his shirt)

Ha, ha. It was my rebellious way of saying “Satan Sucks!” Cost me $150 and hurt like hell. Wish I never did it. Looked in to getting it removed, but that costs 10-times more. So, you see, your mom and I, we just don’t want you to make the same mistakes we did. Like getting a regretful tattoo.

NANCY

Or marrying an ultra-Christian man when you really want to be with a not-so-Christian woman.

DANA

Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

(They all three hug.)

JACKIE

Well, ain’t this fucking special, I’m going to go switch from beer to wine.

(She exits.)

PHILLIP

Why did she go into the bathroom for wine?

NANCY

Something else she learned in prison.

DANA

She makes it in the toilet.

(Blackout.)

MOUSTACHE-A-THON CONTINUES

Shout out to Greg Wendling for sponsoring my moustache Zed in the 826 fundraiser. You can, too! Click HERE!

Week Three, Day Fifteen - "Kat Jitsu!"

KAT JITSU!
Written By Joe Janes
2/2/09
15 of 365

CAST:
Mee
Oh
Steal Maloney


(Lights up on Mee, Oh and Steal, all wearing karate uniforms. Steal is a large man, perhaps overweight, and has a shaved head. Steal is downstage left while Mee and Oh stand behind him upstage right.)

STEAL

Many martial arts techniques began with a master observing animals in nature – the praying mantis, the monkey, the crane – all inspired a myriad of fighting styles. But none can compete with my own copyrighted style of hand-to-hand combat – Kat Jitsu!

(The three raise their hands like front paws and give a short HISS!)

STEAL (continuing)

I’m Steal Mahoney, former Navy Seal and three-time black belt champ. I spent many years observing domesticated house cats. I was an unemployed karate instructor and avid Bruce Lee fan with a broken VCR. Then I noticed my two cats, Mr. Peepers and Li’l Steal, going at it. That’s when Kat Jitsu was born. Kat Jitsu!

(The three raise their hands like front paws and hiss, again.)

STEAL (continuing)

At my award winning Kat Jitsu Academy, learn to incapacitate your opponent by curling up on his chest and falling asleep.

(Mee and Oh demonstrate. Oh drops Mee to the ground, curls up on his chest and starts purring)

STEAL (continuing)

With my patented technique, learn the fine art of lock and awe!

(Mee and Oh bat at each other, each with only their upstage arms, then quickly lock all their arms together and stare at each other)

STEAL (continuing)

In your very first free introductory class, you will learn to divert your enemy’s attention by licking yourself.

(Mee and Oh demonstrate. They are batting at each other; Mee suddenly stops, looks away, and starts licking himself. Oh looks baffled.)

STEAL (continuing)

Never be frightened to walk alone down a dark alley ever again. Anyone can do Kat Jitsu. Even elderly pregnant women in wheel chairs.

(Mee stuffs a pillow under his uniform as Oh puts a gray wig on him. Mee gets into a wheelchair. Oh approaches him pretending to have a gun, just using his fingers.)

STEAL (continuing)

All you need to do is be able to look adorable, which I will teach you.

(Mee looks adorable, cocking his head to the side and raising his hands outward up to his chest. Oh, smitten, throws the “gun” away and rubs Mee’s belly. Mee grabs Oh’s arm and begins kicking him in short, quick kicks with his legs.)

STEAL (continuing)

It does help if you don’t really need the wheel chair. Steal Mahoney’s Kat Jitsu Academy. You’re already a pussy, now learn to defend yourself! Kat Jitsu!

(The three recreate their paws up pose and hiss. Blackout.)

Week Two, Day Fourteen - "Brown Bagging It"

“Brown Bagging It”
By Joe Janes
2/1/09
14 out of 365

CAST:
Hanna
Nathan
Mr. Mylee
Jeb
Cindy
Server

(Lights up on three co-workers sitting around a small table in a break room. Mr. Mylee sits with nothing in front of him, Nathan lethargically picks at a salad he is eating out of worn Tupperware, and Hanna also has nothing in front of her. Jeb quickly enters with a crinkled brown bag that makes a thump when he sets it on the table.)

JEB

Sorry, I’m late, Mr. Mylee.

MR. MYLEE

Don’t worry, Jeb. You’re not the last to arrive.

HANNA (stage whispering and mouthing the word to Jeb)

“Cindy.”

JEB

Go figure.

NATHAN

This is temporary, right? Once the economy gets better, we’ll get back to meeting at Chez Ami every Friday, right? Right?

MR. MYLEE

We don’t know how long that will take, Nathan. We can no longer afford luxuries like Chez Ami every Friday for our department head meeting. Until things turn around, we’re going to have to rough it.

NATHAN

Red Lobster would be roughing it? Wouldn’t it? We could meet at Red Lobster?

HANNA

Brown bagging it is cheaper. It sends a message to our employees that we’re trying to cut back without cutting jobs, right, Mr. Mylee?

MR. MYLEE

Right on, Hanna.

JEB

Especially if you’re fasting, what gives, Hanna?

HANNA

I’m not fasting.

NATHAN

What did you bring, Jeb?

JEB (opening bag and taking out contents)

An orange and a can of soup.

HANNA

A can of soup?

JEB

Yeah. It’s healthy. It’s soup.

HANNA

And it’s in a can. Not a juice box.

JEB

Hunh?

NATHAN

There’s no can opener in here. We have a microwave; a coffee maker that leaks, a Styrofoam cup filled with little plastic straws and a stack of old napkins nabbed from that KFC the health department closed down a month ago.

JEB

I miss that KFC.

HANNA
No can opener.

JEB

Crap. I just grabbed what I could find before I went out the door. It was either this or half a bag of flour.

HANNA

Why do you have flour?

JEB

Exactly. I don’t know, but there it is, in my cupboard. Flour. I’ve had it for years. I’ve had it through three apartment moves.

MR. MYLEE

Well, look; we still need to have our department head meeting…

(Cindy enters. She carries in her arms a variety of snacks and candies from a vending machine. She drops her food on the table, sits, and scoops all her food up, narrowly escaping Jeb sneaking some chips.)

CINDY

Okay, let’s do this. (She opens up a candy bar and starts chowing.)

MR. MYLEE

Well, like I was about to say, I appreciate the sacrifices everyone has been making during these difficult times…(The microwave dings)

HANNA

That’s me! (She goes to the microwave)

NATHAN

That smells food-like.

HANNA

It’s shrimp alfredo.

(She brings back a small tray)

CINDY (with mouth full)

Lean-fucking-cuisine? Lean-fucking-cuisine?

HANNA

I’m watching my figure, Cindy.

NATHAN

You already look like a toy pony head on a stick, dear.

JEB

Are you trying for invisible?

HANNA

Mr. Mylee-

MR. MYLEE

Let’s just get through this meeting, shall we?

CINDY

What are you eating? Where’s your food, Mylee?

MR. MYLEE

Don’t worry about me, Lubvitch. It’s taken care of. Let’s start with the processing department, Jeb. Several RFP’s came across my desk this week that I’m not too sure about.

(As Jeb speaks a server in a red jacket wheels in a cart. He very formally presents and serves Mr. Mylee an entrée and a glass of wine.)

JEB

Well, Mr. Mylee, in spite of the economy, it’s been a busy week. So, that’s good news. But it’s all been low-paying, low-hanging fruit. Basically, we’re taking any project that comes our way to stay busy and to keep the cash flow coming, even if it’s just a trickle. We’re hungry… to… work.

(When the server is finished, he hands Mr. Mylee a slip to sign. He then stands to the side and waits. Clearing his throat lightly. Mr. Mylee notices and slips the server twenty dollars. The server graciously accepts it and exits with the cart.)

JEB (continuing)

Is that fillet mignon from Chez Ami?

CINDY

Was that a twenty?

HANNA

I could buy four Lean Cuisines with a twenty.

NATHAN

I would have blown you for a twenty. Any of you.

MR. MYLEE

This clearly isn’t working. Apparently, our weekly meeting was more about you getting a free lunch off “the man” than it was about productively moving our company forward. How sad for you. How pathetic. (He rises, picks up his plate and glass) Our Friday department head meetings will from now on be at 3pm, well post-lunch and very pre-dinner. Finish your “feed” and meet in the conference room in three hours.

(He exits. They sit in silence for a moment, picking at their foodstuffs.)

HANNA

I’m hungry.

(Lights fade)

Hey!

It's been two weeks of posting sketches! Woo-hoo! I was a little panicky mid-week. I wrote a scene that I didn't post, and will not be posting without some revision. I know, I said to please regard these as first drafts, which is, of course, a plea for leniency! It was just too darn flat. If you do see it in its current state, you'll know I had a rough day.

I wrote fourteen scenes over fourteen days. Enough material, time-wise, for a one-act sketch revue. 50 more weeks to go! I appreciate all the support I've been getting here in the comment section and on Facebook. You are the wind beneath my wings. I type on the wind. And I have wings. It's really amazing I've been able to write anything, giving my disability.

Who won the Super Bowl? Bruce Springsteen, that's who!

Week Two, Day Thirteen - "Chet At Lunch"

“Chet At Lunch”
(Part Three of “Dancing with the Devil”)
Written by Joe Janes
1/31/09
13 of 365

CAST:
Sumi, 20s
Mannie, 50s
Chet, late 20s
Angel
Devil
Tyler


(Lights up on Mannie from “Better Than Money” at the counter of a fast food restaurant. Chet stands behind him. Sumi, in uniform and headset, hands him a “to go” bag of food.)

SUMI

Burger, fries and a cola. That’s four dollars and thirty-six cents.

(Mannie counts the money out on the counter and Sumi puts it in the register except for one bill.)

SUMI (continuing)

Sixty-four cents is your change and… (She hands him the one “bill” and opens her arms. Mannie hugs her over the counter. He takes his food and leaves.) Have a nice day, Mannie.

MANNIE

You, too, Sumi!

SUMI

Hi, Cutie, what’ll it be today?

CHET

Well, I will have a cheeseburger, fries, and a small coke.

SUMI

We have a special today. For just fifty cents, you can get a hot fried apple pie dessert treat.

CHET

Gee, I don’t know-

(Sumi freezes, lights shift, Devil and Angel, and Tyler, a nice guy hand puppet, appear on Chet’s shoulders.)

DEVIL

Go for the pie, Chet. They fry it. Hot fried pie, it doesn’t get any better than that.

ANGEL

You summoned me here over pie?

DEVIL

Yes. Chet is watching his weight –

CHET

No, I’m not.

DEVIL

Chet should be watching his weight and, excuse me, who are you?

TYLER

Hi, I’m Tyler.

ANGEL

We were on a date.

DEVIL

I didn’t realize it was “Bring A Date” to work day.

ANGEL

We were on a swan boat ride. I couldn’t just leave him. I don’t want to mess things up with you, Tyler.

DEVIL

I see. Now, you care about messing things up.

CHET

Guys, I’m in a hurry. I really don’t need this, right now.

DEVIL

Shut up, Chet.

ANGEL

Don’t tell Chet to shut up.

DEVIL

Okay, look. Maybe I just wanted to see you one more time before your transfer went through. You look good.

ANGEL

Thanks. So do you. Really.

TYLER

Maybe I should wait back at the swan boat.

ANGEL

Don’t go anywhere, Tyler.

DEVIL

Looks like someone’s a little halo whipped, right, Chet?

ANGEL

Uh! You always have to try to piss me off, don’t you? Look, I’m sorry things didn’t work out. You need to move on.

DEVIL

Yeah. I know. You’re right. Sorry you got dragged in to this, Tyler. You better take care of her.

TYLER

Sure.

ANGEL

Let’s go. Good-bye.

(They leave. The Devil sighs.)

CHET

You going to be all right?

DEVIL

I don’t know.

CHET

You want some of my apple pie?

DEVIL

Sure.

(Lights change back.)

SUMI

Would you like the hot fried apple pie dessert treat?

CHET

Do you recommend it?

SUMI

It’s fried pie. What’s not to like?

CHET

Then, yes, I would (looks at tag), Sumi. Cute name.

SUMI

Thanks. (Writes on a napkin) I’ll bring your order out to you as soon as its ready and, hey, here’s my phone number so you can call me and we can go hang out or something.

CHET

Yeah. Sure. I will. Thanks, Sumi.

(He starts to leave)

SUMI

I like your parrot!

(Lights fade)

Week Two, Day Twelve - "Chet. Later."

“Chet. Later.”
(part two of "Dancing with the Devil")
Written by Joe Janes
1/30/09
12 of 365

CAST:
Les, 50s
Tawny, early 20s
Chet, late 20s
Angel
Devil

(Lights up on Les and Tawny sitting in two chairs near one another. The both wear business attire, but Tawny just seems to make it look intense and sexy while Les looks a little frumpy. Les looks nervous. She looks like every “business woman” who has ever appeared in a porno. He looks like the guy who has seen all those pornos. There is a third empty chair near them. They sit in uncomfortable silence for a moment or two. Chet, also in a business suit, enters.)

CHET

Thanks for waiting.

LES (standing to shake his hand)

No problem, Mr. Baxter.

TAWNY

You were away too long, Chet.

CHET

Um, thanks. Sit, sit. Relax. I know it’s a little unusual to be doing a double interview. Times being as they are, we here at Hammerson and Associates are swamped with qualified applicants and want to make sure everyone is considered. Plus, I think HR enjoys putting you on the hot seat like this. (Les laughs way too hard at this until he realizes he has laughed too hard and tapers off.)

LES

Good one.

CHET

Now, Les, your resume is very impressive. You are very qualified, if not overqualified, for our regional accounts manager. Tawny, all I got from you was a cover letter with a lipstick imprint where your signature should be. I must say, while you certainly present yourself well – gosh you look nice - I’m a little taken aback at the lack of credentials.

TAWNY

Morey said I didn’t need to bring anything.

CHET

Morey?

TAWNY

Mr. Hammerson?

LES

Oh, God.

TAWNY

Morey assured me all I had to do was show you my “strengths” as an employee and I’d get right in. If you’d like to bring me in for a second private interview, I’m open and available.

CHET

I see.

TAWNY

Do you, Chet? (Shifting in her seat) Do you really see? (Chet is obviously attracted to her, but trying to fight it). It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?

CHET

It’s been awhile what?

TAWNY

You look like a sailor lost at sea whose best friend keeps turning into a chicken leg.

CHET

Tell you what. Let’s talk about your strengths. Everyone’s strengths. Les, give me three of your top qualities.

LES

Well, you can plunk me down anywhere in the Midwest and you’ll find I’m already well connected and will quickly develop new connections. I’m good at blowing the dust off old systems and making them work or innovating them. And you’ll find that I really know my stuff. Before selling HVAC equipment, I used to work on them. I’m good with my hands. I’m able to assess a clients needs and make sure they’re getting the right tool for the right job.

CHET

Very well put, Les. Tawny?

TAWNY

Well, you can plunk me down anywhere, too. The Midwest, the East Coast, the conference room. I can blow or suck the dust off anything. I’m good with my hands and my mouth. I would do anything to get this job, Chet. Anything.

LES

Me, too!

CHET

Um, well…I…uh…I don’t know what to do.

(Les and Tawny freeze. Lights shift on to Chet and Angel and Devil hand puppets appear on his shoulders.)

ANGEL

Follow your heart, Chet. You know what’s the right thing to do.

DEVIL

This company’s going down. Chet, and so is Tawny. Get it while the getting’s good! Oh, hey – I didn’t expect to see you here.

ANGEL

Why not? This is my job.

DEVIL

I know, it’s just, you never returned my calls. I thought we had something special.

ANGEL

We did it once. It was a good time. Not something special.

DEVIL (crying)

It was to me.

ANGEL

Here we go. Look, I told you I wasn’t interested in a relationship.

DEVIL

You tell me that after I changed my relationship status on Facebook. How do you sleep at night?

ANGEL

You’re obviously not over me. I’m going to put in for a transfer.

DEVIL

Fine. Run away. Run away like you’ve been doing your whole afterlife. I don’t love you any more!

ANGEL

Love? You shouldn’t have “loved” me at all, you psycho. We never even went out. Men! I’m out of here.

(She exits. Devil stays, sobbing.)

CHET

You should probably be going.

DEVIL

What are you going to do?

CHET

I don’t know, yet.

DEVIL

You know what you should do? Screw her. Screw her, befriend her on Facebook, and leave her.

CHET

I don’t know…

DEVIL

…Please? For me?

CHET

I’ll think about it.

DEVIL (sniff!)

Thanks... Hug?

CHET

Sure.

(He hugs Devil)

DEVIL

Thanks. Go get her, tiger.

(He exits. Lights shift back to normal.)

CHET

Tawny and Les, tell you what. I’m going to leave the room for twenty minutes. You two work it out. Whoever is still in the room when I get back, gets the job.

(He exits. Les and Tawny look at each other.)

LES (trying to be seductive)

If you sleep with me, I'll let you have the job.

TAWNY

Ew. Twenty minutes alone in this room with you? How about I leave and you don’t sleep with me.

(She exits.)

LES

Yes! Using my lack of sexuality works, again!

Week Two, Day Eleven - "Dancing with the Devil"

“Dancing with the Devil”
Written by Joe Janes
1/29/09
11 out of 365

CAST:
Chet, late 20s
Nadia, late 20s
Ping, late 20s
Angel
Devil

(Lights up on Chet holding a glass of beer. Disco ball lights move across the stage. We hear loud generic dance music. He stands as if he is watching the dance floor. Nadia, hotly dressed and drinking a something-tini, comes over and stands near him. He notices. She is lightly bopping to the music, also watching the dance floor.)

CHET

Hi.

NADIA

What?

CHET

I said, “hi.”

NADIA

Oh.

(Ping comes over and stands on the other side of Chet. She is smaller than Nadia and more conservatively dressed. She drinks bottle water and watches the dance floor. She, too, is lightly bopping to the music.)

PING

I hate places like this.

CHET

What?

PING

I hate places like this.

CHET

Then why are you here?

PING

I like to dance. What are you going to do? (Pause) What’s your name?

CHET

Chet.

PING

I’m Ping.

CHET

Ping?

PING

Yeah. Ping.

CHET

Is that some silly nickname with a really good story?

PING

No.

CHET

Oh.

PING

Do you like to dance, Chet?

(Nadia glances over and notices them talking.)

CHET

No.

PING

Then why are you here?

CHET (glancing over at Nadia)

Well… I…um…I’m in town for business. Didn’t want to be holed up in my hotel room all night. Just bored, I guess.

PING

Or lonely?

CHET

Or lonely.

NADIA

I came here to party. And get laid. I’m Nadia.

CHET

Hi, Nadia.

NADIA

Are you married, Chet?

CHET

No.

NADIA

Too bad.

CHET

Why too bad?

PING

Because married guys don’t come with strings attached.

NADIA

If you were married, I would totally do you. I wouldn’t have to worry about you hounding me.

CHET

I am from out-of-town. I may never be here ever, again. That’s got to count for something.

NADIA

It might.

PING

Guess it depends on what you want, Chet. You want to get laid or find someone special?

CHET

Getting laid would be special. Been awhile.

NADIA

She means do you want a hot, rocking one night stand or get saddled with one person over a long boring period of time?

CHET

Both?

NADIA

Not an option.

PING

Pick one.

CHET

I – I – I don’t know.

(The music quickly stops. Nadia and ping freeze. A spotlight hits Chet. Angel and Devil hand puppets pop up on his shoulders.)

ANGEL

Oh, Chet. A one-night stand is like a meal at a fast food restaurant. You’ll eat it and then regret it. You want something more nourishing that will last much longer.

DEVIL

Nothing wrong with grabbing a slice of pizza every once in awhile, Chet. You don’t know if this Ping thing is going to last or even if she’s good in the sack. An hour from now, you could be bobbing for boobies with Nadia, or drinking coffee and talking about ex-boyfriends and cats with Ping.

ANGEL

What’s wrong with a nice conversation?

DEVIL

Nothing, as long as you’re naked and talking dirty. But you’re not going to get that. The whole time Ping’s going on about how much she loves the Food Network, you’re going to be faking interest and wishing you were nailing Nadia.

ANGEL

Nadia fakes her orgasms.

DEVIL

Who cares, as long as yours is real?

ANGEL

Go for Ms. Right.

DEVIL

Go for Ms. Right Now.

CHET

Okay!

(The Angel and Devil disappear. Everything resumes as it was.)

NADIA

Okay, what?

CHET

I want to sleep with you! (Turns to Ping.) Sorry.

PING

Yeah. You are.

(She exits.)

CHET

We can go to my hotel room. I have Cinemax. And room service.

NADIA (sees someone)

Oh, hey, gotta go-

CHET

What? Where are you going?

NADIA

My boyfriend just walked in. (She walks off) Randy! Randy!

(Chet stands alone looking dejected. The Angel and Devil reappear on Chet’s shoulders, this time, the lights and music continue.)

ANGEL

Sorry it didn’t work out, Chet.

DEVIL

Yeah, Dude. That sucks.

ANGEL

Look at the bright side.

DEVIL

Yeah, Chet. Look at the bright side.

ANGEL

We’re here to keep you company.

DEVIL

Yeah, man. You know, I like how the disco lights bounce off your halo.

(Devil starts to make is way across Chet’s shoulders over to the Angel.)

ANGEL

Really? It’s new.

DEVIL

I usually don’t like ‘em, but, looks good on you.

ANGEL

I just got it. I like your tail. It’s all pointy.

DEVIL

You bet it is. Long, too.

ANGEL

This music is nice.

DEVIL

Yeah. I kind of dig it.

ANGEL

Do you like to dance?

DEVIL

I like to fuck. (The Devil hand puppet takes the Angel puppet from behind and they have quick, loud hand puppet sex.) You like that? You like that?

ANGEL

Yes! Oh, yes!

CHET

Well, at least somebody’s getting laid.

DEVIL

Who’s your savior? Who’s your savior?

ANGEL
You are! You are!

(Lights fade)

Week Two, Day Ten - "Neighbors"

Neighbors
Written by Joe Janes
1/28/09
10 of 365

CAST:
Jason, 30s
Kevin, 20s
Renee, 20s

(Lights up on Jason’s small apartment. Dressed in his modest business casual from work, he is carefully walking a hot bowl of tomato soup from the kitchen to a small table in the living room. He sets the bowl down and begins to eat. He sips away, slowly, spoonful after spoonful. All he is doing is quietly eating his soup. Offstage, from another apartment, we hear loud modern female country music start playing. Jason looks perturbed, but continues eating. Suddenly, the music stops cold.)

KEVIN (off)

Goddammit, Renee, I was listening to that!

RENEE (off)

Turn it the fuck down, Kevin! You’ll wake the baby!

KEVIN (off)

I’ll listen to it however the fuck loud I want. (Music comes back on. Goes back off. Comes back on. Goes back off. We hear a slap. Jason looks shaken.) Oh, what, a big baby. Whatcha gonna do? Call the police? Oh, that’s right, you can’t. Your fuckin’ phone’s been turned off.

(Jason gets up and slowly walks towards the wall where the yelling is coming from.)

RENEE (off)

You bastard! I may not have a phone, but we’ve got neighbors who have phones. Plenty of them!

KEVIN (off)

Oh, that’s a great fuckin’ idea. Let’s get the neighbors to call the police. (He starts pounding on the wall.) Hey! Neighbor! Hey, Buddy! Getting an earful? Call the fucking police. Do it, buddy! Do it! Do me a favor and call the fucking police!

JASON (meekly)

Uh…num, no, thank you.

KEVIN (off)

What? Speak the fuck up! I can’t hear you?

JASON

No, thank you!

KEVIN (off, laughing)

See that, Renee. He don’t want to call the police. He’s got better things to do. Don’t you, Neighbor!

JASON (more to himself)

I have soup.

RENEE (off)

Fuck you, Kevin. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I’m getting the fuck out of here. I’m taking the baby and I’m leaving.

KEVIN (off)

Fine, get the fuck out of here! See if I care.

RENEE (off)

Fine, fuckface.
(She slams the door.)

KEVIN (off)

Tell your bitch queen mom I said hi and to go fuck herself, too!

(Jason still stands looking startled. We hear her foot steps go down the hall until she knocks on Jason’s apartment door on the opposite side of the stage. Jason moves towards the door, but is frozen. She knocks a few times until…)

RENEE (off)

Hello? …I know you are in there…I can see you through the peephole…

JASON

Who is it?

RENEE (off)

Let me in, please. I’m your neighbor. I need to use your phone….Please…

JASON (opens door)

Hi.

RENEE (entering)

Thank, God. Thank you. Whew! I’m sorry you had to hear all that.

JASON

Oh, you know. Couples have their little spats.

(The female country music starts blaring, again.)

RENEE

Wow, that’s fucking loud. Excuse me, I mean, that’s effing loud. I’m Renee.

JASON

Jason.

RENEE

Hi, Jason. Nice to be out of asshole central. I mean, a-hole central.

JASON

Shouldn’t you have a baby with you?

RENEE

Aw, shit.

(She quickly exits and runs back to her apartment. Jason stands still in his apartment, listening. The music cuts off.)

KEVIN (off)

Well, well, well, lookie whose come crawling’ back. You broke a record, that time!

RENEE (off)

Cram it, Kevin! I just came to get the baby!

KEVIN (off)

Maybe the baby don’t want to go!

RENEE (off)

The baby wants to go. Our baby can’t stand you. Our baby thinks you’re an asshole, asshole!

(She slams the door.)

KEVIN (off)

Bitch!

(Music starts up, again. Renee makes her way back in to Jason’s apartment carrying one of those car seat/carriers with the baby inside.)

RENEE

It’s okay, Travis. Mommy’s here and Jason’s here. Everything’s going to be fine, now.

JASON

The phone’s in the kitchen.

RENEE

…good…?

JASON

Aren’t you going to call the police?

RENEE

Oh, heck, no. Be more trouble than it’s worth. Kevin needs his job.

JASON

But he hit you.

RENEE

He what? Kevin? Kevin didn’t hit me.

JASON

But I heard it. Loud and clear. A big slap

RENEE

I hit Kevin. And then he went and threw a hissy fit. His bark’s way worse than his bite.

(The music stops abruptly, again.)

KEVIN (off)

Hey, neighbor. Hey! Sorry about the yelling! Hey, you there? You hear me?

JASON

Yes! I hear you.

KEVIN (off)

I said I was sorry about all the yelling. Me and the missus, you know. We just go at it sometimes. Don’t mean nothing. We love each other; we just don’t seem to like each other very much. You know? I said, you know?

JASON

Yeah, I know. Sure.

KEVIN (off)

My name’s Kevin… What’s your name?

JASON

Jason.

KEVIN (off)

Any way, Jason. It’s nice to meet you. You sound like a good man. Just wanted to say I’m sorry to be bothering you. My gal, she’s special. I’ll love her till the day I die.

RENEE

Oh, Kevin!

KEVIN (off)

Renee? What the fuck are you doing over there? (Kevin slams the door and run/stomps over to Jason’s apartment while yelling at Renee and bursts in. He and Renee get in to an unintelligible nose-to-nose shouting match with the baby being held between them. Jason grabs his bowl of soup and makes his way out the door. The yelling continues until we hear the female country music start up again. Kevin and Renee stop yelling for a second, look around, and then start yelling at each other, again. Lights fade.)

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