Week 11, Day 77 - “The Customer Is Always Right”

“The Customer Is Always Right”
Written by Joe Janes
4/5/09
77 of 365

CAST:
Well-Dressed Man
Waiter

(Lights up on a waiter taking an order from a customer.)

WAITER

Hi, welcome to—

WELL-DRESSED MAN

I know exactly what I want. I’ll have the Famous Chopped Salad.

WAITER (starting to walk away)
Very well---

WELL-DRESSED MAN

Hold the scallions, hold the bacon, no cheese, no chicken, and instead of dressing, I’ll just use a lemon wedge.

WAITER
Are you sure you---?

WELL-DRESSED MAN

Please. I am the customer. I know what I want.

WAITER
Very well.

(The waiter exits and returns with a head of lettuce. He sets it down in front of the customer. And then puts a lemon wedge next to it.)

WAITER
Can I bring you anything else?

(Blackout.)

Week 11, Day 76 - “How Sweet”

“How Sweet”
Written by Joe Janes
4/4/09
76 of 365


CAST:
Janet, 30s
Billy, 30s
Pat, 80s
Gerard, 80s
Peppy, 80s


(Lights up on Janet and Billy sitting on a park bench just enjoying the day. Billy is reading a book. Janet is people watching. Pat and Gerard enter. They appear to be a sweet, old couple. They are holding hands. Janet notices. She clearly thinks this is a heart-warming sight. Without looking at him, she grabs Billy’s hand.)

JANET

Aw, Billy. Look at that.

BILLY

Hmm? Oh. Yep. Cute.

JANET

I see couples like that and I hope that’s us someday.

BILLY

Sure. Me, too. That would be nice.

JANET

That would be so nice.

BILLY

How do you know they’re a couple?

JANET

What? Look at them. He adores her.

(Gerard picks a flower for Pat and gives it to her.)

BILLY

Doesn’t mean they’re a couple. Could be their first date. Maybe they’re having sordid affair. (She gives him a quizzical look.) You know. Maybe he’s blackmailing her into having dirty, wrinkly sex with him.

JANET (taking her hand back)

Why do you have to ruin everything?

BILLY
I’m just saying. They’re as cute as two cuddly bugs, but we don’t know what the real story is just by looking at them.

(Pat and Gerard sit on a bench and are being very cozy and adorable.)

JANET

I disagree. I bet they’ve been married for over fifty years. Ever since he got back from the war.

BILLY

Which war?

JANET

I don’t know. The war. He wrote her love letters every day and promised to marry her as soon as he returned to her arms. I bet they had a dozen children that they raised with lots of love. And they all grew up to be doctors and lawyers, but they’re not in it for the money. They donate a lot of time and salary to worthy causes and are making a difference in the world. And these two have lots of grandchildren and great grandchildren that just love and adore the heck out of them. They’re special and they give me hope.

BILLY

You’re right, Janet. I’m sorry I pooped on your dream. I’d like us to be like that, too.

(They kiss. Peppy enters, dressed in a purple suit, matching fur fedora and wearing large coke-bottle glasses. He also has a large unmatching fanny pack. Peppy uses a walker that has gold rims on the wheels. He makes his way to Pat and Gerard.)

PEPPY

Give me my money, bitch. You were supposed to be at the motel.

PAT

But, Peppy, Gerard wanted to go for a walk.

PEPPY

Don’t give me no sass or I’ll chafe you. Time’s up, asshole. You want more of Pat’s sweet mentholated rubbing, cough up an extra 200 bucks.

GERARD

Preposterous! This ho’s not worth that much.

PAT

Shut your trap, Gerard. You got what you wanted. I can’t help it you’re shooting nothing but sawdust down there.

PEPPY

Take a hike. Or you’ll be waddling with my walker up your ass.

GERARD (exiting)

Aw, phooey!

PAT

Wait – he has my choppers.

PEPPY

Give the bitch back her teeth first. Now.

(Gerard reaches into his pants and pulls out a set of dentures. He hands them to Pat and exits.)

PEPPY (continuing)

What did I tell you? Always use denture cream.

PAT

I’m sorry, Peppy. Please don’t be mad. Here’s your money.

(She takes the money out of her blouse. It is wrapped in a handkerchief. She unwraps it and hands it to Peppy. He puts it in his fanny pack.)

PEPPY

That’s better. Now, kiss me, bitch.

(They start making out, loudly. Janet and Billy have been looking on, shocked. )

JANET (still looking)

I think we should break up.

(Billy nods. Blackout)

Week 11, Day 75 - “An American Mugging”

“An American Mugging”
Written by Joe Janes
4/3/09
75 of 365

CAST:
Harry
Chuck

(Lights up on two figures about to walk by one another late at night on an urban neighborhood sidewalk.)

HARRY & CHUCK

Give me all your money.

HARRY

Hey!

CHUCK

What the!

HARRY

Chuck?

CHUCK

Oh, my God. Harry! Well, blow me down.

HARRY

Crazy world, hunh? Been awhile. How’s Margaret?

CHUCK

She left.

HARRY

Oh, I’m sorry, man.

CHUCK

Eh, for the better. Took the kids with her. Working on putting together this month’s child support, as you can see. (They laugh) How about you? Still married to…?

HARRY

Cheryl. Yep. Yep. Still married.

CHUCK

Cheryl, right. She know you -?

HARRY

Oh, hell, no. She thinks I still have my job at the plant. This is me working the graveyard shift.

CHUCK

Wow. Been a long time.

HARRY

Who’d a thunk, eh?

CHUCK (taking out gun)

I’m still going to need your wallet.

HARRY (also taking out gun)

Same here.

(They slowly, professionally and courteously exchange wallets.)

CHUCK

You’ve been having a good night.

HARRY

I’ve had better. What’s with all the singles?

CHUCK

Mugged a stripper.

HARRY

Nice. You want the wallet back?

CHUCK

Keep it. Nothing important in it.

HARRY

Same here. It’s a rough neighborhood.

CHUCK

Seems to have gotten worse lately.

HARRY

The economy.

CHUCK

Tough times. No credit cards?

HARRY

Cut up my credit cards a long time ago.

CHUCK

Me, too. They’ll do nothing but get you in trouble.

HARRY

Amen to that, brother. Well, you have a good night.

CHUCK

You, too, Harry. Oh, which way are you heading?

HARRY

I was going to keep heading west. Some nightclubs over there about to make last call.

CHUCK

Cool. I’ll keep heading this way towards the train. Last thing I want to do is compete with a good buddy.

HARRY

Good thinking.

CHUCK

Give my love to Cheryl.

HARRY

Will do. See you, Chuck.

(Chuck turns to walk away. Harry begins to sneak up on him with his gun raised as if he were going to strike him. Chuck turns and he freezes.)

CHUCK

What the hell are you doing?

HARRY

Wow. Hey. I am so sorry.

CHUCK

Were you going to steal your money back? That is so uncool.

HARRY

I know, I know. (Frustrated with himself) Rrrrrrrr! It’s like once I get my mugging shoes on, hard to stop. Know what I mean?

CHUCK

Yeah. I guess. Forgive me if I don’t turn my back as you walk away.

HARRY

Fair enough. I deserved that.

(Harry starts to walk away, an awkward mix of walking backwards and turning until he is almost off stage.)

HARRY (continuing)

Hey, let me make it up to you. Why don’t you come cover to dinner on Sunday? Cheryl will love to see you.

CHUCK

I don’t know –

HARRY

Chicken pot pie.

CHUCK

My three favorite little words. See you Sunday.

(They both walk off. A moment later, Chuck sneaks back and exits the way Harry left. Blackout.)

Week 11, Day 74 - “What America Runs On”

“What America Runs On”
Written by Joe Janes
4/2/09
74 of 365

CAST:
Counter Girl
Counter Help
Person #1
Person #2
Person #3
Person #4
Person #5
Person #6

(Lights up on Counter Girl at a fast food restaurant. Behind her is Counter Help. There is a line of people.)

PERSON #1

Cup of coffee, please.

COUNTER GIRL

Huge, large or giganto?

PERSON #1

Giganto, please.

COUNTER GIRL

Here you go.

(Counter Help gives him a wastebasket size cup of coffee and he quickly exits.)

PERSON #2

I’ll have a giganto coffee and a donut.

COUNTER GIRL

Plain, frosted or double deep-fried in sugar?

PERSON #2

Oh, double deep-fried.

COUNTER GIRL

Sprinkles?

PERSON #2

Sure. Why not?

(Counter Help give shim his order and he’s off.)

PERSON #3

Yeah. Let me get a giganto coffee, latte-style, double deep fried donut with sprinkles and a shot of alcohol.

COUNTER GIRL

Tequila?

PERSON #3

Surprise me.

COUNTER GIRL

Tequila.

(Counter Help gives the Person his order. He does the shot as he exits. A Person #4 bursts in and cuts in line.)

PERSON #4

Boobs, please.

COUNTER GIRL

I’m afraid all we have are pictures of boobs.

PERSON #4

That’ll work.

(Counter Help takes a Polaroid of her chest and hands the Person the picture.)

PERSON #4 (exiting)

Thanks! You’re a lifesaver.

PERSON #5

Uh, yeah, I’ll have a giganto coffee, decaf, Stevia and non-dairy creamer, double deep-fried donut, hold the sprinkles, shot of tequila and…oh, is that Percodan? One of those.

(Counter Help gives her the order and she exits.)

PERSON #6

Giganto coffee, double deep-fried donut with sprinkles, shot of tequila, Percodan and…a bag of weed.

COUNTER GIRL

Sir, “weed” is against the law. Could I interest you in a handgun, instead?

PERSON #6

Okay.

COUNTER GIRL

Bullets?

PERSON #6

Sure. Why not.

(Counter Help gives him his order. He licks the gun as he walks off. Counter Girl and Counter Help stand alone for a moment with nothing to do. Counter Help takes a handful of Percodan and dry swallows them. Counter Girl swigs from a bottle of tequila. Lights fade.)

Week 11, Day 73 - “A Ghost’s Story”

“A Ghost’s Story”
Written by Joe Janes
4/1/09
73 of 365

CAST
Franklin, 30s
Jenny, 30s
Victor, 70
Mata Hari, 30s

(Lights up on Franklin in bed, looking over mail, including a large, stuffed manila envelope. Jenny gets in to bed for the night.)

JENNY

Any good news?

FRANKLIN

Just bills.

JENNY

What’s that one?

FRANKLIN

Another returned manuscript.

JENNY

Not your new novel?

FRANKLIN

No. My agent’s on top of that. It’ll get picked up. This is, you know, Victor’s memoirs. “An Admiral’s Life.”

JENNY

An admiral’s long, boring, tedious life. At least you kept your part of the bargain and, thank God, so did Victor.

FRANKLIN

Yeah. You’re right, Jenny. At least he’s resting peacefully, now. Good night.

JENNY

Night, sweetie.

(They kiss and turn off the lights. After a moment, they hear ghostly wailing.)

JENNY (continuing)

Franklin…Franklin…Did you hear that?

(Franklin sits up. There’s another low wailing sound.)

FRANKLIN

Please let it be the wind.

JENNY

I don’t think it is.

VICTOR

Oh-h-h-h-h-h…Oh, hell. Wake up, would you?

(Franklin turns on the light. Standing at the end of the bed is Victor, a retired Admiral from World War I, in uniform. Oh, and he’s dead. And by that, I mean, a ghost.)

FRANKLIN

Hello, Victor.

JENNY

Victor. Long time no see.

VICTOR

Mrs. Delarose. Sorry to awaken you.

(Long pause as Victor looks off and Jenny and Franklin exchange glances.)

FRANKLIN

Victor. We had a deal. I write your memoirs and you stop haunting our house.

VICTOR

That is correct. We are men of our word, aren’t Franklin?

FRANKLIN

Then what brings you here?

VICTOR

You wrote the book, but where’s the book?

JENNY

There’s one right here.

VICTOR

I see it here. I only see it here. Why am I not seeing it at Borders?

JENNY

You go to Borders?

FRANKLIN

Books don’t just magically appear at Borders, like you apparently do. A publisher has to publish it and then distribute it.

VICTOR

Oh. I see. I’m just being impatient, is that it?

FRANKLIN

Yes, and, perhaps, a little unrealistic.

VICTOR

How do you mean?

FRANKLIN

My agent won’t touch it. I’ve piled up twenty rejection slips peddling this book on my own. Publishers don’t seem too keen to get your story out to the people.

VICTOR

But, I was an admiral in The Great War.

FRANKLIN

Yes, but…

JENNY

Just tell him, Franklin.

VICTOR

Yes, Franklin, tell me.

FRANKLIN

You were the most mind-numbingly dull admiral in the history of the world.

VICTOR

How dare you!

FRANKLIN

Let me read some of the rejection slips…(He picks up a pile of letters from a desk)…Ho Hum… Interminable… Vapid… Monotonous… Didn’t this guy do anything?...Too dry for our tastes…This would be great if we wanted our business to fail…Sorry about the blood stains, I stabbed out my eyes… And you know what, Victor? They’re right.

VICTOR

You just haven’t found the right one, yet. What’s the one that Oprah likes?

JENNY

Victor, you’re not listening. Here’s your book… As dictated by you to my husband… I’ll just flip through and read at random… “Monday morning, Sept 17th, 1910. Today I drank six ounces of tomato juice. It upset my tum-tum. I will try it again tomorrow. After that, it’s back to reliable old orange juice, sans pulp.”… “Thursday afternoon, May 13th, 1915. Today, I was to meet with the president of the United States…

VICTOR

That’s interesting!

JENNY

…but he cancelled and I ended up having tea with Army Colonel Jessup. He drinks his oolong straight. I don’t know how he does that.” And then it goes on about how you don’t remember what you talked about because you were busy wondering why the lemons were sliced so thin. For two pages.

VICTOR

They were absurdly thin. Try again. The good stuff’s near the end.

JENNY

…”As I got older, I realized it is the little things I will miss the most. On this one spring morning in 1928, I had a rough go at having a pleasant bowel movement.”

VICTOR

I still miss that.

FRANKLIN

Victor, I’m sorry. Your life was mundane. You didn’t fight in any battles, you weren’t married, no children. No rocking the boat. No out-of-control substance abuse. There’s no story here.

VICTOR (tearing up)

Well… Here, I thought… I just wanted people to remember me… At my funeral, the only people who were there were the ones who had to officially be there. None of them knew me, personally.

JENNY

We’ll remember you, Victor.

VICTOR

As a dullard.

FRANKLIN

Not true. You scared the hell out of us when you started showing up. I’ll never forget that.

VICTOR

You’re just trying to be nice.

(Mata Hari enters.)

MATA

There you are, Victor! Oh, hello.

VICTOR

Mata Hari, this is Franklin and his lovely wife, Jenny.

FRANKLIN

Mata Hari?

MATA HARI

Yep. Victor, Marilyn Monroe is trying maraschino cherry stems with her tongue. Thought you’d want to be there.

VICTOR

Just the thing to cheer me up.

FRANKLIN

You party with Marilyn Monroe and Mata Hari?

VICTOR

Sure. It’s the afterlife. Eternity. No hangovers. What else are we suppose to do?

MATA HARI

Some of us get hung up on legacy, from time-to-time. Are you done worrying about that silly book?

VICTOR

I do believe I am. Let’s go, pet.

FRANKLIN

Wait. Victor. This is your book.

JENNY

Your afterlife is far more interesting than your life ever was.

VICTOR

Oh, the stories I could tell. Stalin and Gandhi experimenting. Saucy stuff. The party really kicked in when Reverend Falwell hit the scene.

MATA HARI

But this guy’s the real party animal. I can’t keep my hands off him.

VICTOR

It’s the uniform.

FRANKLIN

Victor – let me write the story of your afterlife. I promise you I can get that published.

(He looks at Mata Hari for a moment.)

VICTOR

Nah – I’m not one to kiss and tell. See you on the other side.

MATA HARI

Tah-tah!

(They exit. Franklin and Jenny look at each other dumbfounded.)

JENNY

He is pretty hot in that uniform.

(Blackout)

Week 11, Day 72 - “Cannibal 78”

“Cannibal 78”
Written by Joe Janes
3/31/09
72 of 365

CAST:
Ant
Ram
Rae

(Lights up on Ram and Ant sitting on rocks, eating meat on the bone. In front of them is a platter full of meat decoratively displayed with a pith helmet.)

ANT

What is that? It good. What is that?

RAM

Wasabi.

ANT (nodding)

Wasabi.

(Rae, Ram’s daughter, enters. She carries a classic child’s dolly. She walks past Ant and Ram and plops down on the ground away from them in a huff.)

ANT (continuing)

What with daughter, Rae?

RAM

She hate me.

ANT

Why she not eating?

RAM

She all of sudden vegetarian. Like her mother.

ANT

Little old for dolls.

RAM

Not doll. Tofu.

(They both watch Rae eat the doll’s arm. Ant thoughtlessly picks up a toupee from the plate of meat and is about to eat it. Ram stops him.)

RAM

No, no. That garnish.

(Ant puts it back. Blackout.)

Week 11, Day 71 - "Cauldron Fresh"

“Cauldron Fresh”
Written by Joe Janes
3/30/09
71 of 365

CAST
Mark, 30s
Heather, 30s
Zelda, 100 or so

(Lights up on health inspector Heather with a clipboard and a white glove entering a kitchen followed by Friday’s manager Mark. Zelda is busy cutting vegetables. Zelda looks like a classic hag witch except she wears a red and white striped shirt, apron and paper hat.)

MARK

As you can see, Heather, we at T.G.I. Friday’s keep the front of the house sparkling clean. You can eat off any surface out there. Floor, ceiling, walls-

HEATHER

Tables?

MARK

Let us throw a disinfected plastic-coated cloth on it first, but yes.

HEATHER

Never judge a book by its cover, Mark, I always say. The true spirit of a restaurant lies here in the kitchen.

MARK

Well, you know, we’re very protective of the ingredients we use-

(She looks around. Zelda nods at Heather; Zelda dumps the veggies into a cauldron in the center of the room.)

HEATHER

What is that?

MARK

That is Zelda, our head cook.

HEATHER (pointing)

Not that that. That.

MARK

Oh. That’s our Amana Open Flame Self-Cleaning Cauldron.

HEATHER

I see.

MARK

It’s how we get that “country flavor” we’re so famous for.

HEATHER

And the country we’re talking about is…?

MARK

11th century Scotland, mostly.

HEATHER

You really shouldn’t have an open flame like this in the middle of your kitchen. It’s dangerous.

MARK

It’s pretty safe, actually. We installed good ventilation. Cement around the base. Zelda’s fully trained and the only one who uses it. In fact, she’s are only kitchen employee.

HEATHER (looks around)

You don’t have any ovens or grills or fryers. Not even a microwave.

MARK

Don’t need it. We do all our cooking cauldron-style.

HEATHER

You make fried BBQ Pork Fingers in the cauldron?

MARK

We’re out of it, right now, but yep.

HEATHER

Salads?

MARK

Cauldron fresh.

HEATHER

Desserts?

MARK

All cauldron-based cuisine. Would you like to see how it works?

HEATHER

Indeed, I would.

MARK

Zelda, go ahead and whip up a number 38.

(Zelda scoops up a bunch of ingredients off the counter and walks over to the cauldron. The lights shift as she speaks. Thunder rolls in the background and there’s the occasional spark of lightning. Kick starting a fog machine would be good here, too.)

ZELDA

Womb of the great goddess, hear our cries,
We give you gifts of lizard tail and dragon’s eyes,
The ground up wings of bottle flies,
Strips of dried flesh from Bill O’Reilly’s thighs!
So your loins may belch upon the world…

(The lights calm and the sound and fury subside.)

…A basket of lightly seasoned fries.

(She presents the fries to Heather. She tries one.)

HEATHER

This is actually really good. May I have another?

MARK

Please do, Heather.

HEATHER

I can’t believe how crispy and flavorful they are- oh, my head…I feel dizzy…

(Mark grabs her clipboard as she faints to the floor. He writes on it.)

MARK

Another successful health inspection for Friday’s.

(Zelda grabs a butcher’s knife and approaches Heather.)

MARK

And I’ll let the servers know that BBQ Pork Fingers is back on the menu!

(Zelda brings the knife down. Blackout.)