Week 29, Day 199 - “People Let Me Tell Ya’”

“People Let Me Tell Ya’”
Written by Joe Janes
8/5/09
199 of 365

CAST
Don, 40s
Joe, 40s

(Lights up on Don and Joe having coffee in a coffee shop.)

JOE

What was your favorite costume at Comic Con?

DON

That guy in the Chewbacca outfit was pretty awesome.

JOE

The dude had hypertrichosis and a sash. Not a costume.

(Alice walks by carrying two “to go” cups of coffee.)

ALICE

Hey, Don.

DON

Hey, Alice. Taking a break from work?

ALICE

On a coffee run.

DON

Oh, hey, Alice. Let me introduce you to my best friend, Joe.

ALICE

Oh, you’re Joe.

JOE

Yep. I am.

(He stands and they shake hands.)

JOE (continuing)

Nice to meet you.

ALICE

Nice to meet you, too. See you later, Don.

DON

See you later. (To Joe) She’s nice.

JOE

Seems nice.

DON

What did you think was the best costume at Comic Con?

JOE

My favorite was the old fat lady with the stringy gray hair and tattooed arms and the “Han Shot First” t-shirt.

DON

That wasn’t a costume.

JOE

We don’t know that.

(Michelle walks by carrying a cup of coffee and a laptop.)

MICHELLE

Oh, hey, Joe.

JOE

Hi, Michelle. Doing some writing?

MICHELLE

Yeah. Had to get out of the house and someplace not my house.

JOE

Oh, hey, this is my friend Don.

DON

Hey.

MICHELLE

Hi.

(They shake hands, as best they can, since Michelle’s hands are full.)

JOE

Michelle is a former student.

DON

Ah.

MICHELLE

Well, you guys have fun doing whatever.

JOE

You, too.

(Michelle exits. Joe and Don sip their coffee.)

DON

You know, there’s something I noticed.

JOE

About Michelle? She’s mostly straight, I think.

DON

No, no. Not that. I noticed that whenever I introduce you to someone, I refer to you as my best friend.

JOE

Uh-hunh.

DON

And you only refer to me as your friend.

JOE

Like Kirk and Spock. I have been and always shall be your friend.

DON

But you never refer to me as your “best” friend.

JOE

I don’t think Kirk and Spock ever referred to each other as “best” friends. Goes without saying.

DON

So, you’re saying I am your best friend.

JOE

You’re up there. You’re a close second.

DON

Second? You mean, I’m McCoy?

JOE

My best friend is my cat.

DON

You put your cat ahead of me.

JOE

And I have two cats. So, I don’t take this lightly. Houdini is first, you’re second, and Oona is third.

DON

Usually “best” friend is a mutual thing. It’s like a relationship. Two-way. If I’m not your best friend, then you’re no longer my best friend.

JOE

That’s not fair. You don’t have a pet.

DON

I used to have a cat. Edgar.

JOE

You got rid of him because you’re girlfriend was allergic.

DON

So?

JOE

Bro’s before ho’s, Don. Bro’s before Ho’s. Houdini and I put each other before girls.

DON

He’s a cat.

JOE

He’s still my best friend. He listens to me-

DON

I do that.

JOE

He’s there when I need him.

DON

I do that.

JOE

He’s comforting.

DON

I’m comforting.

JOE

We have fun together.

DON

We have fun together,

JOE

He cuddles with me and licks my nose.

DON

I’m cuddly.

JOE

I’m sure you are. But I only cuddle with my best friend, Houdini.

(Don takes a sad, dejected sip of his coffee.)

JOE (continuing)

Look, you are the highest-ranking human on my friend list. That counts for something. You are my best human friend.

DON

I guess that’s something.

(Lian the server enters. She puts down their check.)

LIAN

I’ll take this when you’re ready.

JOE

Wait. Um, what’s your name?

LIAN

Lian.

JOE

Lian. I’d like to introduce you to my absolute best human friend ever, Don.

LIAN

Nice to meet you.

DON (cheering up a bit)

Thanks.

LIAN (to Joe)

Cat owner?

JOE

Yeah.

LIAN

So was my ex-best friend. (Slides bill to Joe) He’s paying.

(She exits. Joe takes out his wallet.)

JOE

Aw, crap. I don’t have any cash on me. (Looks pleadingly at Don)

DON

Maybe you should call your best friend. Maybe he can help you out.

(Joe sighs. Opens his backpack. A cat paw with ten dollars attached to it pops out. He takes it and puts it on the table.)

JOE

Who’s my best friend? Who’s my best friend?

(Joe then sticks his faces in the backpack and makes kissy sounds as Don puts his face in his hands. Lights fade.)

Week 29, Day 198 - “The Ding Dong Song”

“The Ding Dong Song”
Written by Joe Janes
8/4/09
198 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber in her classroom with a school bell. She stands before the class. In the corner, we see an empty chair facing the wall. She rings the bell seven times.)

MRS. GRUBER (warbling)

I’m your school bell ding-dong-ding,
Boys and girls all hear me ring,
Every time I ding-dong-ding
Come with me to play and sing,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding

(Speaking)
Hello boys and girls. How are you today? Oh, that’s wonderful. We’re going to learn so many exciting things today. We’ll learn to blow bubbles, make turkeys with our hands, how to skip rope and how to keep others from taking things from you that don’t belong to them, like your dignity or lawn ornaments.

(Warbling)
I will teach you many a thing,
Math, history and reading,
You can cut mom’s apron string,
Swim without a water wing,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding

(Speaking)
How old are you? Do you know? Can you show me with your fingers how old you are? Oh, that’s very good. I’d show you how old I am with my fingers, but the arthritis makes it difficult to distinguish my fives from big, lumpy ones. Let’s just say Mrs. Gruber is older than you and has a lot to share about life. You know how some of you, and you know who you are, sometimes worry about wetting yourself? I know, I know. It happens. Does your mother make you wear rubber pants? Nothing to be ashamed about. You’ll grow out of it. And then, years later, you’ll grow back into it. Rubber pants and all.

(Warbling)
I have lessons big and small,
Learn to walk while others crawl,
Soaring’s good, it’s bad to fall,
You’re fine with me, you’re on the ball,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding

(Speaking)
That’s right, children. We’re here to learn. And to learn means doing what I say, when I say. Listen and learn. Do you know what I mean when I say to listen? Listening is very important. Open ears and a closed mouth will help get you through life.

(Warbling)
Play by my rules, I’ll be fair,
You’ll live a life without care,
If you kick, shout, spit or swear,
You’ll sit out the year in that chair (points to chair in corner,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-d-i-i-i-i-i-ing

(Blackout)

Week 29, Day 197 - "After Work, Before Bed"

“After Work, Before Bed”
Written by Joe Janes
8/3/09
197 of 365

CAST
Chantrelle, 20s
Lamont, 20s

(Lights up on Chantrelle sitting on the edge of a bed. She wears short shorts with nylons and high heels, a tight top and a big red wig. She stares off into space. Offstage, we hear a man whistling. Lamont enters wearing a light purple suit, a purple felt hat and a cane.)

LAMONT

Oh, hi, Honey. I didn’t know you were home.

CHANTRELLE

Oh, hi, Lamont.

(She starts to take off her shoes and he starts to remove his hat and coat.)

LAMONT

How was your day?

CHANTRELLE

Oh, the usual. On my feet or on my knees. Suck this, pull that. I’m exhausted.

(She rubs her wrist.)

LAMONT

Your wrist bugging you, again? I told you to go see a doctor.

CHANTRELLE

I will, I will. Just don’t have the time between work and the kids.

(During their conversation, they are getting ready for bed, changing out of their work clothes and into some very plain sleepwear.)

LAMONT

I hear ya’, but you better take care of that. It’s an occupational hazard for you. You can’t use your wrists, that’s going to cut into your pay.

CHANTRELLE

I know. I was thinking of taking some time off.

LAMONT

Chantrelle, you know with the kids and the house, we need both our incomes. We can’t afford to take a vacation. That’s a lot of money going out and none coming in.

CHANTRELLE

It could be a working vacation. Lie on the beach all day, do a little work at night to cover the expenses.

LAMONT

You really need a break?

CHANTRELLE

I’m tired and my mind is turning to mush. My English degree is totally going to waste.

LAMONT

Well, I’ll think about it. Aren’t you going to ask me about my day?

CHANTRELLE

I’m sorry, honey. How was your day?

LAMONT

Oh, same old, same old. Although, I might be expanding into the east side a bit, which could bring in more money for us.

CHANTRELLE

For a vacation?

LAMONT

I was thinking a college fund for Danitra.

CHANTRELLE

Oh, that reminds me. Tomorrow’s “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day.”

(They get under the covers of the bed.)

LAMONT

Oh, that’ll be nice. Danitra will have a good time.

CHANTRELLE

She’s excited about it. She’s already got a wig picked out. I’ll have her help me out, too.

LAMONT

She’s such a good little helper.

(They kiss.)

LAMONT

You know, I was thinking, it’s been awhile since-

CHANTRELLE

My wrist is really killing me.

LAMONT

Sure, Babe, sure. Good night.

CHANTRELLE

Goodnight.

(She sits for a moment as Lamont rolls over and goes to sleep. She sighs and turns off the light. Blackout.)

Week 28, Day 196 - "French Is Easy"

“French Is Easy”
Written by Joe Janes
8/2/09
196 of 365

CAST:
Emilie, 20s
Jean-Paul, 40s
Sophie, 20s
Clara, 40s

(Lights up on Emilie, Jean-Paul and Sophie all seated in a semi-circle. Arms and legs uncrossed. Conservatively, but casually dressed. They speak with French accents and have big smiles plastered on their faces.)

EMILIE

Oh, hi, Jean-Paul! How are you?

JEAN-PAUL

I’m fine, and you?

EMILIE

Not bad… Jean-Paul, this is my friend, Sophie. Sophie, Jean-Paul.

JEAN-PAUL

Pleased to meet you.

SOPHIE

Pleased to meet you.

EMILIE

Good-by, Jean-Paul.

JEAN-PAUL

Yes, see you soon. Good-by, Sophie.

SOPHIE

Good-by.

(Jean-Paul and Emilie exit. Clara enters and sits down.)

SOPHIE

Hello. My name is Sophie. And you, what’s your name?

CLARA

My name is Clara.

SOPHIE

Pleased to meet you.

CLARA

Pleased to meet you.

(Emilie re-enters and sits. She wears upon her head what is obviously a wig.)

CLARA

Hi,Josee. How are you?

EMILIE

I’m very well, and you?

CLARA

Okay.

SOPHIE

Hello, Madame. How are you?

EMILIE

I’m well, thank you. And you?

SOPHIE

Not bad.

(Jean-Paul re-enters wearing upon his face what is obviously a mustache. He also wears a tuxedo jacket with tails.)

CLARA

Excuse me, Sir!

JEAN-PAUL

Yes, Ma’am… what would you like?

CLARA

A black coffee, please.

EMILIE

And I’ll take a coffee with cream.

JEAN-PAUL

And for you, young ladies?

SOPHIE

I’ll take a lemon soda… And for me, a Coke.

(Jean-Paul exits. The ladies sit in silence for a moment.)

CLARA

I like Algerian music.

EMILIE

Do you play music, Sophie?

SOPHIE

No, but I have a brother who plays the guitar very well, and my two sisters love to dance. My family is pretty musical.

CLARA

Hey, there’s Tran.

SOPHIE

Who’s that?

CLARA

He’s a Vietnamese friend. He’s a student with me at the university. Tran!

(Jean-Paul re-enters. He wears what is obviously a straw conical hat upon his head.)

JEAN-PAUL

Oh, hi, Clara. How are you?

CLARA

I’m well, and you?

JEAN-PAUL

Not bad. I just took a really difficult exam, so I’m a little tired!

CLARA

Tran, this is my friend Sophie and my friend Josee.

JEAN-PAUL

Hello.

SOPHIE

Hello.

JEAN-PAUL

Hello.

EMILIE

Hello.

JEAN-PAUL

Where are you from, Sophie?

SOPHIE

I’m French, but my family is originally from Algeria.

JEAN-PAUL

Good-by.

CLARA

See you soon.

EMILIE

See you in a bit. See you later.

SOPHIE

See you tomorrow.

(They all stay there looking at each other, smiling. Lights fade.)

Week 28, Day 195 - "New York, New York"

“New York, New York”
Written by Joe Janes
8/1/09
195 of 365

CAST
Louise, 30s
Robert, 30s

(Lights up on Robert and Louise with cameras and taking in all the bright lights and large billboards of Times Square.)

LOUISE

I love New York, Robert.

ROBERT

It’s like no other place on the planet.

LOUISE

I want to see the Statue of Liberty, go to the top of the Empire State Building, and go see a Broadway musical. All the things New Yorkers do.

ROBERT

When in Rome…

LOUISE

Let’s get some authentic New York cuisine first.

ROBERT

Hey, there’s an Applebees.

LOUISE

Perfect.

(Blackout)

Week 28, Day 194 - "Weepy"

“Weepy”
Written by Joe Janes
7/31/09
194 of 365

CAST
Ross, 20s
Annie, 20s

(Lights up on Annie sitting on the sofa and looking very sad. Ross enters carrying a bag from Burger King and sits nearby.)

ROSS

Hey, babe. Sorry, I’m late. Traffic was a bear. I brought some burgers, if you want one.

(Ross takes a burger out of the bag and offers it to her.)

ANNIE

That’s okay.

(Ross shrugs and unwraps the burger for himself and starts eating it.)

ROSS

Is something wrong?

ANNIE

No.

ROSS

I know we haven’t been going out very long, but I think I can tell something’s bothering you.

(He continues eating.)

ANNIE (even sadder)

I’d rather not talk about it.

ROSS

Okay.

(He continues eating. Annie begins making very loud gasping, wheezing, hitching crying sounds.)

ROSS (continuing)

Oh, Jesus.

(He puts the burger down and puts his arm around Annie who continues to cry loudly.)

ROSS

Honey, honey. I’ve never seen you cry before. Just, just, dear God, let it out.

ANNIE

I – am – so – up-set…

ROSS

At me? At me? Did I do something wrong?

ANNIE

Nuh-nuh-no…. My brother…

ROSS

Tim? Tim did something jerky to you?

ANNIE

No-no-no…

(Annie tries to cry more. It’s a bizarre mix of gasps and wheeze and pained expressions. Ross is fascinated by this. He hands her a napkin and she blows her know with much generosity. Ross turns his face away to hide his laughter.)

ANNIE

He…he…his wife left him… my, my, my…. sister-in-law….

ROSS (fighting laughter)

That’s awful. That’s just awful. (Pause) Tell me more…

(She now adds a slight wailing to her crying. Ross purses his lips and tries to look concerned.)

ANNIE

Betty – and – I – went- to – high – school – to-ether…How – can – she – do – this – to - him?

ROSS (putting his arm a round her)

Shhh, shh. There, there.

ANNIE

You’re – shake-ing-too.

ROSS (getting up and stepping away)

It’s…just…so…upsetting, Divorce…and…stuff. Oh, man, I’m going to lose my burger.

(He doubles over against the back of a chair, still trying to hide his laughter caused by Annie’s hysterics.)

ANNIE (calming down slightly)

You’re taking this worse than me.

ROSS (turning to her)

Am I?

(Annie gets up and puts her arms around him.)

ANNIE

I am so lucky to have you here.

(She starts bucking and crying, again. Ross is trying to remain stiff, but we can see on his face he’s about to burst.)

ROSS

Why, why is she divorcing him?

(She holds Ross’s face in her hands.)

ANNIE (more major crying)

For-some-thing-I-I-I-never-have-to-worry-about-with-you. She-said-he’s-insensitive.

(That does it. Ross bursts out laughing. He cannot stop. He doubles over on the floor and cannot stop. He stops and looks at Annie’s contorted, sad, puzzled face and it makes him laugh more. He finally runs out of steam.)

ROSS

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Oh, my God. (Gulp) Whew! I’m so sorry.

ANNIE

What’s so funny?

ROSS

You are. When you cry. The wailing and the gasping. I’ve never seen anything like it.

ANNIE

It’s how I cry.

(Ross starts giggling, again.)

ANNIE (continuing)

Now, what’s so funny?

ROSS

I was just thinking about how you cry.

(He laughs some more and she exits. He continues laughing, grabs some napkins to wipe his eyes. She re-enters carrying her purse and keys. She kicks him in the anus and leaves. After she is gone, he sits still for a moment and starts crying much in the same manner as she did punctuated with the occasional giggle, but he is definitely sad about this. Lights fade.)

Week 28, Day 193 - "Mercenary Air"

“Mercenary Air”
Written by Joe Janes
7/30/09
193 of 365

CAST
Adjudicator
The Liquidator
The Eradicator
The Protector
Jason, 10

(Lights up on The Liquidator, The Eradicator, and The Protector. They stand in shadows across the stage.)

ADJUDICATOR (VO)

Soldiers of war. Present yourselves.

(Spotlight comes up on The Liquidator. The Liquidator wears a wetsuit and goggles.)

THE LIQUIDATOR

I am The Liquidator. I settle bad debts. Recently, I killed the leader of a small country of large consequence with my bare hands. He borrowed too much from too many and flaunted his disregard to settle with his lavish lifestyle. I slipped into his marble and rum cake palace and moved with the shadows along the wall disguised as a unicorn tapestry. In his chamber, I waited until he was brushing his long flaxen hair at his vanity. On his 89th and a half brush stroke, I strangled him with the silk sash from his robe. (Holds up the silk sash) I made sure he could see me in the mirror. We locked eyes. Goggles to bulging eye sockets. And I whispered, “You’re a bad man. You do bad things. But no more.” I leapt from his balcony and escaped swinging from olive tree to olive tree to a small swan-filled stream. If you need someone taken care of, I’m the best. Call me. But not on Tuesdays. And if I don’t pick up, leave a message and a phone number. Don’t be a jerk. I’ll find you.

(Spotlight goes out on The Liquidator and up on The Eradicator. The Eradicator wears sleeveless non-descript military fatigues to show off the muscles and smokes a cigar.)

THE ERADICATOR

I’m The Eradicator. I rub things out. Last week, I killed a power hungry government official on the verge of world domination. I infiltrated his giant secret lair airship by clobbering one of his lackey cargo bay workers over the head and stealing his orange coveralls and gold hardhat. I made my way to the engine room and, without giving away any trade secrets, stuck a giant potato in the system’s exhaust pipe (He holds up a small club). I parachuted to safety as the airship imploded and then burst into a falling ball of hot. He and his crew of 500 perished. As well as another thousand in that small African village the flaming airship landed on. Some exotic animals got scorched pretty badly, too. Some African wildlife, and the sharks he kept in a tank on the bridge on the airship. But, hey, can’t make an omelet without killing a few hundred people. (Puts hand to ear, like a phone) Call me. I’ll give you more than you paid for.

(Spotlight out on The Eradicator and up on The Protector. The Protector wears a t-shirt and boxer shorts and carries a rolled-up newspaper in one hand and a spray bottle in another.)

THE PROTECTOR

Some call me The Protector. A select few call me Dad. Just today, I had an enemy break into my home and I had to take matters into my own hands. That’s right. I killed a wasp. It must have come in through the doggie door I finally got around to installing. I stalked it through the living room and into the downstairs bathroom. I quickly shut the door to protect the rest of the family. There in the porcelain chamber, it was just me and that stinging bastard. I grabbed a nearby People magazine and rolled it up tight. The wasp bobbed and weaved as I started batting. A formidable opponent. To slow it down, I grabbed a nearby spray bottle of tub and tile cleaner. Squirt, bat, squirt, bat, squirt, bat. Eventually, the wasp landed on the edge of the sink and then, whammo. Smashed wasp. I scraped it up with the magazine and wiped it off on the side of the toilet. Flushed the bastard away. You need a killer, give me a call. I don’t fuck around.

ADJUDICATOR (VO)

Three of you stand before me, but only one of you shall remain standing. Prepare for battle!

(Dramatic music swells and the three begin to tangle, Liquidator with a rope, Eradicator with a club and Protector with his magazine and squirt bottle. They go around and take swipes at one another, Protector eventually gets the upper hand, blinding Eradicator with Tub and Tile Cleaner and wrapping Liquidator’s rope around his magazine. Before he can go in for the kill, Jason runs up and tugs at his dad’s side. The music comes to a cold stop.)

JASON

Dad, dad, we found another wasp in the garage!

THE PROTECTOR

Some other time, fellow soldiers. Dad has a wasp to kill.

(He leaves with Jason. Liquidator and Eradicator are relieved. The Adjudicator clears his throat. The Eradicator lamely hits Liquidator in the arm with his club.)

LIQUIDATOR (whiney)

Ow!

(The Liquidator lamely whips The Eradicator with his rope.)

ADJUDICATOR (VO)

Oh, just go home. (They stare up at him.) I said go home! (They scramble off as the battle music plays and lights fade to black.)