Week 47, Day 329 - "Grosseries"

“Grosseries”

Written by Joe Janes

12/13/09

329 of 365

CAST

Seth, teens

Ben, 20s

Chastity, 20s

(Lights up on Ben and Chastity at a checkout counter. The Seth, the clerk is totally up their groceries as Ben hands what he can for Chastity to hold.)

SETH

And you total is eighty dollars and seventy-five cents.

(Ben pays Seth.)

CHASTITY

That’s a lot.

BEN

Really not bad for a week’s worth of groceries.

SETH

Here’s your change…

CHASTITY

At a grocery store. Except you insist on shopping at movie theater concession stands.

SETH

And a coupon for fifty cents off a jumbo nacho combo on your next visit.

BEN (To Chastity)

Hello, coupons.

CHASTITY

Wait. We need toilet paper.

BEN

Napkins, please. (Seth hands Ben a few napkins.) Keep ‘em coming.

(Blackout.)

Week 47, Day 328 - "Settling Down"

“Settling Down”

Written by Joe Janes

12/12/09

328 of 365

CAST

Noreen, 30s

Wade. 30s

(Lights up on Noreen and Wade sitting on a sofa eating dinner off the coffee table. We hear “Wheel of Fortune” lightly on the television. They stare at the television and eat slowly, methodically, without much thought. They are very deadpan.)

NOREEN

Dinner’s good.

WADE

It’s leftovers.

(They continue eating and watching television.)

WADE (continuing)

I’m probably not going to get anyone better than you.

NOREEN

I was thinking the same thing.

WADE

You’re the best possible woman I am able to attract. And I’m probably as good as it gets for you.

NOREEN

I’ve had better.

WADE

Me, too. (Beat) Those people are gone.

NOREEN

It doesn’t get any better than this.

(They continue eating and watching television. Noreen turns and looks at Wade. He puts his fork down and turns to look at her.)

NOREEN

We should get married.

WADE

Okay.

(They resume eating and watching television.)

WADE

We should probably celebrate.

NOREEN

There are grape popsicles in the freezer.

WADE

Score.

(They continue eating and watching the television as lights fade.)

Week 47, Day 327 - "Bunny"

“Bunny”

Written by Joe Janes

12/11/09

327 of 365

CAST:

Nic, teens (Nic)

Samantha, teens (Corey)

Cameron, teens (Michael)

(Lights up on Nic running through a forest at night. He is visibly upset and crying. He finds the stump of a fallen tree on which to collapse into his sobbing self. He hears a wolf baying in the distance; he stops and listens to the night. Nothing. He begins to sob, again. Samantha emerges from the shadows.)

SAMANTHA

Nic.

(Nic is startled and stands back.)

NIC

Samantha. You found me.

SAMANTHA

I smelled you.

(Nic smells his pits.)

SAMANTHA (continuing)

I smelled your blood.

NIC

But – I’m not bleeding.

SAMANTHA (inhaling deeply)

It’s yours. I’d know it anywhere. (Samantha touches his cheek and he turns away from her.) Your date must not be going well for you to run off like that.

NIC

I saw you stalking me. You can’t come between us, Samantha.

SAMANTHA

You say that with your lips, but your eyes tell me something else.

NIC

My eyes lie through their sockets.

(Cameron enters.)

CAMERON

Nic. There you are.

NIC

Cameron.

CAMERON

Hello, Samantha.

NIC

She was just saying good-bye.

SAMANTHA

No, Nic. I won’t say good-bye. If you never want to see me, again, then you must be the one to walk away.

(Nic looks at her and turns away in anguish.)

NIC

It can’t work between us, Samantha.

SAMANTHA

You can’t deny our love.

CAMERON

Hello, you’re a vampire.

SAMANTHA

I know what I am.

CAMERON

You drink blood to survive. You’ll eat him.

SAMANTHA

I can control myself, Nic.

CAMERON

You say that now, but what if you get married some day. You’d come home some night after a long day, “Hey, nothing in the fridge, what the hell am I going to gnosh on? Oh, yeah. My husband, the walking juice box.” Chomp and sip!

SAMANTHA (to Nic)

I would never drain the sweet blood from your rich, throbbing veins. …I could just take enough to make you just like me. If you wanted…

NIC

I don’t want to be like you, Samantha. I want to be a normal high school student and do normal high school student things like build a float, eat too much pizza, get caught masturbating by my mother while watching her Jane Fonda aerobics videos – wait, that one I did. I want to be a normal, sexually confused, high school student. And I want to date normal high school students. Like Cameron.

(Samantha laughs.)

CAMERON

What’s so funny, Samantha?

SAMANTHA

He thinks you’re normal.

CAMERON

I am normal.

SAMANTHA

Really, Cameron? Maybe you didn’t notice what’s up there creeping out from behind the clouds.

NIC

A full moon?

CAMERON

No! No! I was so excited about our date I forgot to check the calendar.

NIC

Cameron! Cameron! What’s happening? Let me hold you.

CAMERON

Stay away!

(Cameron pushes Nic away and he falls into Samantha’s arms. Cameron rips open his shirt and turns into a werewolf.)

NIC

Oh, no! Oh, no!

(Cameron starts growling at Samantha. His growls get bigger and he looks like he’s about to spring on her when Nic comes over and smacks him on the snout. He yelps.)

CAMERON

What’d you do that for?

NIC

Do you know what it’s like? Do you have any idea what it’s like to fall in love with someone and find out that they’re a vampire? And now I find out the new guy I’m dating is a werewolf!

CAMERON

I was going to tell you.

NIC

When, Cameron? When?

CAMERON

I usually tell on the third date.

NIC

Which is tonight.

CAMERON

Ta-dah! Nic – I – I –

NIC

Don’t say it.

CAMERON

I love you.

NIC

No!

SAMANTHA

Stand back, Nic. I’ll take care of this mutt.

CAMERON

Think a bat can win a fight with a wolf?

SAMANTHA

I think we’re going to find out.

(Samantha and Cameron begin to tangle. They fight much like you would expect wolf-like and bat-like creatures to fight. It crescendos with Cameron humping Samantha’s leg.)

SAMANTHA

Get off me, creep!

CAMERON

I-I-I can’t stop. Once I start, I can’t stop. (He begins to howl. She kicks him off. He yelps. They stand off from one another for a beat then tackle one another. They end up biting one another’s leg.)

CAMERON AND SAMANTHA

Ow!!!! You bit me!!!

(They break off from one another. Nic is torn as to which one to tend to.)

CAMERON

Nic, help me.

SAMANTHA

Nic. Help me.

CAMERON

Oh, God.

SAMANTHA

I don’t believe it.

(They both scream and writhe in pain. Samantha rips open her shirt and turns into a werewolf/vampire while Cameron becomes a vampire/werewolf.)

SAMANTHA

You bastard, you turned me into a werewolf.

CAMERON

Now, I have to deal with being a vampire, too. You bitch.

NIC

You two are just really not good candidates for dating.

CAMERON (sniffing the air)

I can smell your blood more than ever.

SAMANTHA

Yes, Nic. Your blood. It’s so intense.

CAMERON

You’re not bleeding.

NIC

Well, no. Not really.

SAMANTHA

You smell like Coach Webber when she’s being crabby.

CAMERON

You mean when she’s-

SAMANTHA

Nic!

NIC

It’s Nicolette. I have a vagina.

CAMERON

But – I don’t like those.

SAMANTHA

Neither do I. When were you going to tell us?

NIC (weakly)

Ta-dah.

(Pause)

CAMERON

I don’t think I can deal with this.

NIC

My family just moved to town a month ago. (To Samantha) When you saved me from being crushed by that golf cart you thought I was a boy because my dad insists on cutting my hair to save money and he is very bad at it. I didn’t want to lose you, so I lived a lie. But I’m still Nic, on the inside.

CAMERON

Not really.

SAMANTHA

A lack of penis just isn’t what I’m looking for in a forbidden love.

(Pause)

CAMERON (To Samantha)

The soccer team is partying at the quarry. Want to come?

SAMANTHA

Those douche bags?

CAMERON

If it’s lame, we can maul them.

SAMANTHA

Anything’s better than here.

(They give Nic a dirty look and exit.)

NIC

You can pretend I tuck.

(Nic starts crying again and collapses on the tree stump. Off in the distance he hears two wolves howling at the moon.)

CAMERON (off)

Aw, look, a bunny!

SAMANTHA (off)

That is so cute.

CAMERON (off)

Let’s drink its blood and then eat it!

SAMANTHA (off)

Get your fangs out of my mind and into that bunny’s jugular.

(We hear them laugh and then attack and devour the bunny. When they finish, Nic goes back to crying. He stops for a moment.)

NIC

Ow. Cramps.

(Lights fade as Nic cries and the wolves howl at a greater distance.)

See Sketch 327 Live!

Sketch 327 will be performed tonight as a part of Columbia College's 24 Play Festival in the Classic Studio, 72 East 11th at 8pm. It's free and open to the public, but get there early to get a seat. It always fills up. It's an insanely good time.

Week 47, Day 326 - "Window Shopper"

“Window Shopper”

Written by Joe Janes

12/10/09

326 of 365

Cast

Molina, 20s

Lilly, 30s

Sales Woman, 40s

Announcer

(Lights up on Molina. She is well dressed in a matching coat, purse and shoes. She stands perfectly still. She is a mannequin. We some high-energy muzak instrumental music. Lilly walks up to the window display. She is not a poor person, but looks frumpy and probably unable to afford the outfit Molina is wearing. The light muzak music shifts into a throbbing house beat. Molina comes to life and we see her start strutting around like a model on a runway. Lilly is enjoying the excitement.)

ANNOUNCER

Here we see Molina wearing the latest in Paris fashion. Ladies, you’ll be the envy of your book club in this daring, yet tasteful ensemble. It’s a must have for the lady who doesn’t quite have everything. The entire outfit goes for $1,250. Make sure it’s on your list this season.

(Molina goes back into her position and freezes. The music changes to something else clubby, but clearly from the 90s.)

ANNOUNCER

And now we have Lilly. (Lilly looks around.) See how elegantly she moves… (Lilly just stands there)… See how elegantly she moves (She gets the idea and starts moving around like a model, hesitantly at first, but her confidence builds.) All the fashion critics are calling this look “Thrift Store Chic” with various articles of clothing culled from many years of living paycheck-to-paycheck. The cardigan from the Salvation Army once belonged to a man from Gurnee who wore too much aftershave and smoked a pipe. The deep purple corduroy slacks whisper comfort when she walks and if you were wondering what the new black is, it’s that elastic waistband. Lilly has mastered the sexy mom look without ever having had children. The macramé purse was made from a weekend workshop poorly chosen as a way to get out of the apartment and maybe meet men. We’re not sure who designed those shoes, but we’re certain she got them off a dead hobo. And if you’re wondering what gives Lilly’s outfit that extra glow, it’s the way the light hits all that cat hair. (Lilly picks some cat hair off her sleeve.) The entire outfit goes for $35 or best offer. Cat not included.

(The music stops. Lilly is frozen in a snooty model pose. A smartly dressed sales woman with a nametag walks up to her looking stern. Lily notices. She sheepishly composes herself. Indicates she likes Molina’s outfit, but can’t afford it. She shakes hands and pats the sales woman on the shoulder as she leaves. The sales woman adjusts Molina’s outfit and exits. Molina slyly looks around, picks cat hair off her sleeve, and goes back to frozen. Blackout.)

Week 47, Day 325- "Barflies At The Beach"

“Barflies At The Beach”

Written by Joe Janes

12/9/09

325 of 365

CAST

Woody, 50s

Aretha, 50s

Jimmy, 20s

(Lights up on Jimmy, Woody and Aretha setting up for a day at the beach. Jimmy wears shorts and a tank top. Woody unashamedly wears Speedos. Aretha wears a one piece with frilly fringe on the bottom half. Aretha is laying out a towel as Woody opens up a cooler and breaks out some beer.)

ARETHA

Finally. A day at the beach with my family.

(She and Woody share a quick kiss. She starts putting on sun tan lotion.)

JIMMY

I don’t get the big deal. It’s water. We have water at home.

WOODY

It’s good to get outdoors, Jimmy. Get some fresh air; take a dip in the lake.

JIMMY

Smells like dead fish.

WOODY

It’s supposed to smell that way. It’s a good smell.

JIMMY

You say so. That water don’t look right. Water’s supposed to be blue.

WOODY

Stop being such a wussy bag.

ARETHA

Really, Jimmy. Can’t you just enjoy yourself for once? Nobody has to work. You don’t have to go in the water, if you don’t want to. Just drink beer and sit in the sun.

JIMMY

There ain’t no sun.

ARETHA

Of course there’s a sun. Just behind the clouds right now, is all.

WOODY (handing Jimmy a beer)

Here you go, Jimmy. Let’s let Aretha soak up some clouds while the men go step in the water.

JIMMY

I don’t know, Woody.

WOODY

Just a little ways. No dunking or nothing. I saw it on TV. At these resorts in exotic places like Florida. Rich dudes stand in the ocean and drink pina coladas.

JIMMY

I’ll go as far as the water.

WOODY

That’s a start.

(They head down to the edge of the stage, which is also the edge of the water.)

JIMMY

I used to like coming to the beach, when I was a kid.

WOODY

Still the same beach.

JIMMY

Naw. It’s different. Smaller. More litter, less shells.

WOODY

You just got bigger. Come on. Let’s walk in just a bit.

(Woody steps into the water, off the edge of the stage.)

WOODY (continuing)

Whoa. Bit of a drop there. Careful. Let me hold your beer.

JIMMY

I don’t need you to hold my beer.

(Jimmy steps in.)

JIMMY (continuing)

Christ that’s cold.

(Woody has stepped out farther than Jimmy.)

WOODY

It feels good. It’s like touching nature.

JIMMY

It’s like touching nature in a bad place. There’s dead fish floating in the waves.

(If possible, Woody has found a chair to stand on.)

WOODY

Hey, Jimmy. Come on out here. I found a sand bar.

JIMMY

I’m fine, right here.

WOODY

Come on, boy. Belly up to the sand bar with your dad.

(Jimmy reluctantly moves towards the sand bar. He trips and goes under, but pops back up.)

JIMMY

Crap that’s cold!

(He hurries to the sand bar.)

WOODY

There you go. A good dunk will get you used to it.

JIMMY

I think I got lake water in my beer.

WOODY

The alcohol will kill the germs. And what it doesn’t kill will toughen you up.

JIMMY

It tastes awful.

WOODY

Here. Trade me, you puss.

JIMMY

It’s okay.

WOODY

I said trade me. I don’t want to hear you whining. (They trade. Woody takes a big old swig.) Aw, that tastes just dandy. Like drinking nature.

JIMMY

Dad, what are we doing here?

WOODY

Aw, Jimmy. I’ve got something to tell you. Man-to-man. Your mother and I are splitting up.

JIMMY

Aretha!

ARETHA

What?

JIMMY

Dad says you two are splitting up.

ARETHA

Oh, Woody, take the sock out of your trunks and shove it in your mouth.

JIMMY

So, you’re not splitting up.

ARETHA

No.

WOODY

I’m just trying to get some kind of reaction out of you, son. All you do is be all Mr. Negative about things. You’re a one-note Nancy. You seem unable to have a good time or do anything other than be terminally perturbed.

JIMMY

Just not happy about things, is all.

WOODY

You need a gal, like Aretha. But not Aretha, because she’s your mom.

JIMMY

What I need is to move away.

WOODY

Elyria, Ohio is a great place to stake your claim in the world. It’s done me good. As it did for my dad and his dad before him.

JIMMY

My life’s just not going anywhere. I need to get to someplace where more stuff is happening.

WOODY

Cleveland?

JIMMY

I was thinking Chicago.

WOODY

What the hell would you do in Chicago?

JIMMY

I don’t know. But I’d find something.

WOODY

It would be a shame if you left. Look, this is going to sound like I’m making it up after I tried to tell you Aretha and I were splitting up, but you know her doctor appointment the other day. We told you it was for a pap smear.

JIMMY

I remember, because I didn’t ask.

WOODY

Your mother has cancer.

JIMMY

What kind of cancer?

WOODY

Oh, you know. Woman cancer. Cancer of the coochie. She didn’t want you to know.

JIMMY

Aretha!

ARETHA

What?

JIMMY

How’s your vagina?

ARETHA

Fine, thank you. How’s yours?

(Woody laughs.)

WOODY

Good one, Aretha! Look, she doesn’t know yet. The doctors only told me.

JIMMY

They told you, but not her.

WOODY

Not easy news to get, Jimmy. What if I told you your dingle was rotting off? How would you like that?

JIMMY

I’d want to know. Mom! Dad says you have cancer.

ARETHA

Woody! Stop lying to the boy. I don’t have cancer.

WOODY

All right, son. She doesn’t have cancer. Yet. But look at her lying out in the sun like a drying piece of girlie jerky. She’ll get cancer soon enough.

JIMMY

Dad. I need to move on. After high school, all my friends moved or became people I no longer wanted to hang out with. There’s got to be more to life than working and drinking.

WOODY

There is. It’s called fucking. Get yourself a girlfriend.

JIMMY

I’ll be sure to look for one in Chicago.

WOODY

Look, I’m not like most dads, right?

JIMMY

That’s absolutely right.

WOODY

We’ve always been more than father and son. We’ve been best buds. You’re my best friend, Jimmy. What the hell would I do without you?

JIMMY

I’m just talking about moving, not dying. We can still be close. We’ll always be close.

WOODY

It’ll take some getting used to.

JIMMY

If I stay, I’ll be unhappy. You don’t want me to be unhappy, do you?

WOODY

Sure, I can live with that.

JIMMY

Well, I can’t.

ARETHA

Let the boy move to Chicago, Woody! Give us a reason to come visit him.

(Jimmy shrugs at his dad.)

WOODY

Give your old man a hug.

JIMMY

You’re practically naked.

(Woody grabs him, thrust his hips into him and gives him a big bear hug,)

WOODY

I’m going to miss you, son.

JIMMY

I’ll miss you, too. Can we go back to the beach? I think I’m standing on a severed hand.

(Blackout.)

Week 47, Day 324 - "OBGYN - Detroit"

“OBGYN-Detroit”
Written by Joe Janes
12/8/09
324 of 365

Cast
Dr. James, 40s
Etta, 20s

(Lights up on Etta on an examining table covered with a sheet and her legs in stirrups. Dr. James is at the business end of the table, examining her.)

DR. JAMES

Well, Etta. I think you’ve made a wise decision to keep the baby. Raising a child can be difficult, especially in Detroit. But with the right home environment- Oh. I have more news.

(Two handguns come out from under the sheet, pointing at the doctor’s face.)

ETTA

What is it, Dr. James?

DR. JAMES

Twins.

(He slowly backs away with is hands up. Blackout.)