satire, social commentary, sketch comedy, writing, stuff
Written by Joe Janes
12/20/09
336 of 365
Cast:
Pharmacist Phil, 50s
Curt, 17
(Lights up on Pharmacist Phil in a lab coat behind a counter filling a prescription. Curt, in a varsity jacket, hesitantly approaches.)
CURT
Excuse me?
PHIL
Yes?
(Curt beckons him to come closer so he doesn’t have to speak so loud.)
CURT
Do you have anything for jock itch?
PHIL
Jock scratch?
(Curt looks at him puzzled, but then starts to scratch himself.)
CURT
Thank you.
PHIL
You’re welcome.
(Blackout.)
Written by Joe Janes
12/19/09
335 of 365
Cast
Rev. Arnold, 50s
Thea, 50s
Wally, 60s
(Lights up on the alter of a Unity Church. Rev Arnold is singing along with the rest of the congregation. Thea stands to the side signing the lyrics.)
REV. ARNOLD AND THEA (singing)
-And the Lord loves us all
Regardless of religion
Wants us all to get along
Even just a smidgen
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-mennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
REV. ARNOLD (speaking)
Please be seated. I want to thank everyone for all the cards and letters and many, many dishes of tuna noodle casserole. Many of you have expressed your sadness at my wife Estelle’s mysterious and sudden disappearance a month ago. Your support and love has helped me through a very difficult time. Many of you have suggested, with good intentions, that I take time off. Allow myself to grieve and heal. I even booked a trip to Italy. However, after some prayer and meditation, and a warning from the police not to leave town, I reconsidered. The greatest way I know to mend my heart is through your love. And while I hope and pray for Estelle’s safe return after our winter camping trip in the mountains of Montana, I believe that God has a plan. For me. And for Thea.
THEA (Stops signing)
What?
REV. ARNOLD
Thea. I believe it was God’s plan to remove the obstacle that was Estelle out of the way of our unspoken, unacknowledged passion.
(Wally, a deaf man in the front row, starts waving his hands.)
WALLY
What is he saying?
THEA (signing)
He’s saying he’s glad Estelle is gone and that he wants me!
REV. ARNOLD
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thea, that’s not what I’m saying at all. (He walks close to her and holds her hands.) I loved Estelle-
THEA
Loved? She’s only been missing a month.
REV. ARNOLD
Love, loved. Let’s not argue about God’s plan for us.
THEA
How do you know this is God’s plan?
WALLY
Let her speak!
(Thea breaks holding hands with Rev. Arnold.)
THEA
I don’t see how I could possibly be a part of God’s plan for you, Rev. Arnold.
REV. ARNOLD
After Estelle didn’t return to the tent after leaving to go to the bathroom in sub-zero degree temperatures, I prayed. I prayed to the Lord for a vision. The vision I had was of you, Thea. You were floating above me like an angel. Wings spread, halo glowing, flowing pure whites robes that the wind, like the breath of God, tore away as you descended down upon me, naked. We began kissing. Freddy Mercury and Queen rose from the earth and played “We Are The Champions” as Penelope Cruz removed my clothes and Selma Hayek licked my back. You grew four more arms and put them in every conceivable nook and cranny of my body. It was…heaven.
WALLY
Were you praying or pulling your pud?
REV. ARNOLD (signing, sort of)
Don’t sully the will of the Lord in his house, Wally. I love this woman.
WALLY
Doesn’t answer the question!
REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)
While I am passionate about the Lord, no pud was pulled.
WALLY
The Lord is my Viagra!
REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)
It was in this vision that I realized, Thea, that I loved you. Every Sunday, you volunteer your time to sign my sermons. I noticed over the years that I would even put in certain words just to see you interpret them. Words like love, wish, and underwear.
THEA
Rev. Arnold, I love your sermons. They have meant so much to me. What if Estelle is found and comes back?
REV. ARNOLD
Estelle’s fate is in God’s hands. And under twenty feet of snow in a crevasse. (Pause) Or so the lord may or may not have told me in a non-sexual holy vision.
(Thea and Rev. Arnold are about to kiss. The tension mounts and is interrupted by…)
WALLY
Tell us more about the Lord’s underwear!
(Blackout)
Written by Joe Janes
12/18/09
334 of 365
CAST
Ian, 40s
Roger, 40s
Mimzy, 40s
Meredith, 40s
Carl, 40s
(Lights up on Ian and Meredith finishing a game of tennis with Roger and Mimzy. Ian jumps over the net and shakes hands with Roger.)
IAN
Shall we play another match?
ROGER
Oh, I don’t know. What do you think, Mimzy?
MIMZY
Perhaps, later, Ian. Let’s sit and have some refreshments, first.
MEREDITH
Sounds like a scrumptious idea.
MIMZY
It’s homemade lemonade. I had the caterer make it.
(They all sit and look at the pitcher of lemonade and glasses. They look around.)
IAN
Well, I suppose we could pour it ourselves.
MIMZY
You’ll do no such thing, Ian. You’re a guest in our modest mansion. (She looks around.) Roger, you serve.
ROGER
Serve? I thought we decided against another round of tennis. (They all laugh, except Mimzy, until they don’t. Silence.) Seriously, Mimzy? Isn’t that something the hostess should do?
MIMZY
Oh, and I suppose you’d like me to push another baby out of my puffy vagina.
ROGER
No, dear. I wouldn’t. I can’t afford another diamond necklace.
IAN
Chloe and Chad are such bright kids. Where are the little scamps?
MIMZY
The Filipino nanny took them to the park.
IAN
But you’re home.
(Silence.)
MIMZY
I just get paid to birth them. She gets paid to raise them. Where is that caterer?
MEREDITH (picking up pitcher)
I’ll pour. I love lemonade.
MIMZY
Put it down, Meredith. … Down. (Meredith slowly puts the pitcher back down.) We’ll wait for the caterer to serve us. It’s what we paid for. Although I’ll be dammed if he gets a tip. (Beat. She takes out her cell phone.) That does it.
ROGER
Who are you calling?
MIMZY
I’m calling Ricardo to complain and demand that he refund our two hundred dollars for the lemonade.
IAN
Two hundred dollars?
MEREDITH
A can of Country Time is four bucks.
MIMZY
I don’t know what that is. (On phone) Hello? Ricardo? This is Mimzy Blake-Hanover… Well, I don’t know how the lemonade is. I wish I could tell you how the lemonade is. It looks refreshing. I’m sitting here staring at it watching the ice melt, reducing it to something sub refreshing. …I don’t know where Carl went. … Yes, you should have done this yourself. … I think as a repeat customer I deserve better service than this, don’t you? Am I supposed to pour it myself? … If you don’t want us to stop payment on this pitcher of lemonade and if you don’t want me to tell all my friends about my horrible, humiliating experience with your catering company, than I suggest you fire Carl and get your ass down here and start pouring us some lemonade… Thank you. (She hangs up. She smiles.) He’s on his way.
(They sit in silence for a moment. Carl enters wearing black pants and white tuxedo shirt with a bow tie.)
CARL
Are you finished? Would you like me to take that for you?
(They all stare at one another uncomfortably, except Mimzy, who is enjoying ignoring Carl.)
CARL (continuing)
I’ll just be over here if you need me. (Carl steps off to the side. His cell phone rings. He discreetly checks the ID and picks up.) Ricardo?... I’m right here… I just asked if they needed anything and they didn’t say a word…Fired? I didn’t do anything… Ricardo, I need this job. I’m behind in my rent… I’m supposed to pour it, too? I didn’t know. It’s just a pitcher of lemonade… They were playing tennis. I went to the van to check on my daughter. …I can’t afford a babysitter. You knew that Ricardo. You said it would be okay. … Fine….Fine! I’ll turn in my bow tie. I’ll meet you at the van. (He hangs up. Ian, Roger and Meredith are looking over at him sympathetically. Mimzy has her back turned to him. He starts to leave but then walks over to the table. He sets four glasses in front of each person and pours them lemonade. When he is done, he stands for a moment waiting for everyone to try a sip, which they do.)
MEREDITH
Refreshing.
IAN
Very nice.
ROGER
Worth the wait.
MIMZY
Just like homemade.
CARL
It’s Country Time. And tap water from your garden hose. Enjoy.
(Mimzy sits burning. Carl exits. Lights fade.)
Written by Joe Janes
12/17/09
333 of 365
CAST
Joe, 30s
Rachel, 20s
Ben, 40s
Bernie, 40s
Hanna, 30s
Alexis, 20s
(Lights up on Joe at the counter of a Starbucks. Rachel is waiting on him. Ben, the manager, is cleaning a counter. Bernie sits at a table with his laptop open. Hanna sits at another table, reading a book. Alexis is at a station adding cream and sugar to her coffee drink.)
RACHEL
Another Grande Earl Grey with one tea bag. Anything else?
JOE (puts two dollars down)
That’ll do it.
RACHEL (gives him change.)
$1.98 Here you go.
JOE
Keep it.
RACHEL
Thanks.
(We see her drop two coins, one at a time, into her tip jar.)
RACHEL (continuing)
Thanks, a lot. Who are these people? They come here every day and spend hours upon hours here.
BEN
So do we.
RACHEL
We get paid for it.
BEN
Barely.
RACHEL
What’s their deal?
(Joe looks around the room and sees the other people all in their own worlds, but checking him out slyly. He finds a chair and sits. He begins to sing.)
JOE
At the Starbucks
At the Starbucks
My life is in flux
At the Starbucks
HANNA
I come here cuz
My house is a mess
And drinking coffee’s
Less than cigarettes
BERNIE
I’m sitting here
Cuz I’m a writer
Staring at nothing
Hope to look brighter
JOE, BERNIE AND HANNA
At the Starbucks
At the Starbucks
My life is in flux
At the Starbucks
RACHEL
Missed an audition
Cuz I had to work
No one will cover
Manager’s a jerk
BEN
I’m working here
Cuz I lost my job
Everyone here thinks
I’m such a knob (Rachel - me, too)
JOE, BERNIE, HANNA, RACHEL AND BEN
At the Starbucks
At the Starbucks
My life is in flux
At the Starbucks
ALEXIS (the Bridge, a little samba-y shift in the music)
I don’t go to bars
I promised my mom
JOE
Starbucks is cheaper
Than Match-dot-com
ALEXIS
Drink so much coffee
Makes me want to dance
JOE
I’m not dancing
I’m peeing my pants
ALL
At the Starbucks
At the Starbucks
Life just plain sucks
At the Starbucks.
(Blackout)
“A Christmas Story”
Written by Joe Janes
12/16/09
332 of 365
Cast
Alan, 50s
Cheryl, 50s
Ron, 20s,
Gene, 30s
Alice, 30s
(Lights up on Alan and Cheryl’s living room. Alan and Cheryl sit on the sofa, Ron is slumped down in a chair. They are watching the movie “A Christmas Story.”)
GENE (off)
Ho, ho, ho!
CHERYL
Oh, Gene’s here.
(Gene and Alice enter. Cheryl gets up and greets them.)
ALAN (getting up)
Oh!
GENE
Hi, Mom. Dad.
CHERYL
You look so tall.
GENE
I have no idea why. Pretty sure I stopped growing upwards a decade or so ago.
CHERYL
Well, you look taller.
ALAN
Leave the boy alone. You must be Alice.
ALICE
Hi.
ALAN
Come in, come in. Have a seat.
CHERYL
You must be tired after such a long drive.
GENE
We flew in.
CHERYL
Oh, that’s nice.
(Alan, Cheryl and Alice have a seat on the sofa. Gene remains standing. There’s no room for him to sit. Cheryl and Alan resume watching TV. Ron has never stopped.)
ALICE
“A Christmas Story.” I love that movie.
ALAN
So, do we.
CHERYL
We watch it every year.
GENE
Is that the DVD I got you last year?
ALAN
Naw. It’s the TV.
(Everyone stares at the TV for a moment. Alice looks over to Gene with a look of concern.)
GENE
That is my brother Ron.
ALICE
Hi, Ron.
(Ron grunts.)
GENE
How’s the job hunt?
(Ron grunts, again.)
CHERYL
Oh, it’s tough out there.
ALAN
Tough in here. Especially when I need the bathroom or find the last beer gone.
CHERYL
Oh, Alan.
ALAN
Oh, Cheryl.
CHERYL
He’s trying.
ALAN
That he is.
(Everyone starts watching the television, again. Ron has never stopped.)
ALICE
I’ve heard so much about you two.
ALAN
Good things, I hope.
ALICE
Very good.
CHERYL
Oh, that’s nice.
(Everyone starts watching the television, again. Ron has never stopped.)
GENE
Hey, looks like the movie’s over. You guys want to go get some pizza or-
ALAN
It’s starting, again.
CHERYL (to Alice)
They show it over and over for 24 hours.
ALICE
How long have you been watching?
CHERYL
Since breakfast.
(Everyone starts watching the television, again. Ron has never stopped. Gene picks up the remote from the coffee table and turns the television off. Everyone looks at him stunned.)
RON
That was rude.
GENE
I only see you guys once a year. This time, I brought a girl. One I really, really like. It would be nice if she got to know my family better than the television.
(Everyone is silent. Alan looks at his watch.)
ALAN
Did you want to watch something else?
CHERYL
Did you want to watch your DVD?
GENE
No. I want to visit.
CHERYL
Okay, dear. We’ll visit.
ALAN
Sure.
CHERYL
Gosh, you sure are pretty.
ALICE
Thanks.
ALAN
Better looking than the last one he brought home. The lesbian.
GENE
She wasn’t a lesbian. She was a vegetarian.
ALAN
Six of one-
CHERYL
Are you a vegetarian? Because I don’t think we have anything you can eat.
ALICE
I’m not a vegetarian.
ALAN
What’s wrong with you, then?
GENE
Dad, nothing’s wrong with her. She’s great.
ALAN
Just pulling your chain, Son.
GENE
Chain pulled, Dad. Thanks.
(Everyone stares at the television, again, even though nothing’s on. Ron has never stopped.)
GENE (continuing)
Hey, how about this? Let’s get out of this room.
ALAN
What’s wrong with this room? I like this room.
GENE
Let’s go sit around the dinner table.
ALICE (getting up)
That sounds like a great idea.
CHERYL (getting up)
I’ll have to dust it off and move the magazines.
ALICE
Do you have any coffee? We could drink some coffee and chat.
CHERYL
I do have coffee. Can you drink that with your diet? (Alice nods.)
(Alice and Cheryl exit.)
GENE
Come on, Dad. Let’s go get caught up.
ALAN (getting up)
Oh! Guess I could use a cup of Joe.
GENE
It’s good to see you, Dad.
ALAN
Yah, yah, yah.
(They exit. Ron stays seated. Still looking at the TV, but looking silently angry. Cheryl comes back out and turns on the television.)
RON
Thank you.
(Cheryl kisses him on the head and exits. Ron grunts. Lights fade.)
Written by Joe Janes
12/16/09
331 of 365
Cast
Harry, 30s
Smudge, 30s
Baby Candy, 20s
(Lights up on a street corner. Harry, a cute, nebbish man is holding a handmade sign that says “Free Hugs.” He stands there until someone in the audience is brave enough to come up and get a hug from him. After one, likely another person will join in. When a third person comes, Smudge, a pimp and Baby Candy, his ho, enter. Smudge taps Harry on the shoulder with his walking stick. He indicates he wants some money. Smudge and Baby Candy chase off anyone waiting for a hug. Smudge bitch slaps the Harry to the ground and takes his wallet. He takes the money and throws the wallet away. He sends Baby Candy offstage. Smudge takes the man’s sign and tears it up. Baby Candy returns with a new sign and gives it to the hug guy. The pimp and ho exit, but not without a severe look of warning. Harry gets up and holds up the new sign. It says “Nasty Hugs - $20.” An overweight, sloppy pervy guy enters, sees the man and licks his lips as he seductively pulls out a twenty. Lights fade.)
Written by Joe Janes
12/14/09
330 of 365
Cast
Judge, 50s
Mr. Webb, 30s
Bailiff, 30s
(Lights up on Judge, Mr. Webb and Bailiff in a court of law. The bailiff is swearing in Mr. Webb.)
BALIFF
Raise your right hand. (He does.) Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
WEBB
No.
BALIFF
Uh…judge?
JUDGE
Mr. Webb, you really need to in order for us to proceed.
WEBB
I’m not trying to hold things up, your honor. I just don’t believe in God.
(There is an uproar, real or imagined, in the court. The judge flips out with his gavel.)
JUDGE
Order! Order in the court! Another outburst like that and I’ll clear this courtroom so fast you’ll wonder how the hell you got outside without moving your legs! (Back to serene judge) You don’t believe in the lord almighty, Mr. Webb?
WEBB
No, your honor. I do not. No disrespect intended.
JUDGE
None taken. None taken. But you see our dilemma here, right?
WEBB
You need to swear me in.
JUDGE
Exactly.
BALIFF
Otherwise, your whole testimony could be a lie.
(Another outburst. The judge flips out on his gavel, again.)
JUDGE (standing)
Jesus H. Christ on a stick! I’ll call for the county busses and make all of you spend the night in jail to contemplate your unseemly behavior! One cell! One cell for all of you. With only one toilet. The kind without any privacy. (Sits) Don’t push the robe! (Back to serene.) Tell me, Mr. Webb. How can you assure us that your testimony will be the truth?
WEBB
Can’t I just promise?
JUDGE
We need a teensy bit more assurance. The thing about God is that you’re telling the utmost authority over everything that you’re going to tell it like it is.
WEBB
I will tell it like it is.
JUDGE
I believe you. We just need some collateral. Fearing the wrath of (points up) does the trick for most people. You don’t believe there’s a higher power running the big show?
WEBB
No, your honor. I think all there is, is all there is. No heaven, no hell, no afterlife.
JUDGE
Anything you do believe in?
WEBB
I believe a man is his word.
JUDGE
Well, okay then. We can work with that. Bailiff?
BALIFF
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you you?
WEBB
I do.
(Uproar in the court. Judge flips.)
JUDGE
That’s it! That’s it! Out of my courtroom! Everyone out! Out! (The all three look out at the audience.)
BALIFF
No one’s leaving, Judge.
JUDGE
I can see that.
WEBB
I guess they don’t believe you.
BAILIFF
I could swear you in. (Judge holds up his hand) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Mr. Webb?
JUDGE
I do. (uproar – extreme gaveling) Order! Order!
(Blackout.)
