Week 52, Day 362 - "Born Again"

“Born Again”

Written by Joe Janes

1/15/10

352 of 365

Cast:

Eva, 20s

Louis, 20s

Jesus, 30s

(Lights up on Louis sitting in a coffee shop, sipping coffee. Eva enters with her coffee and sits at a nearby table. Louis watches her. She says a silent prayer before sipping her coffee.)

LOUIS

Eva?

(Eva looks around.)

LOUIS (continuing)

Eva Cutcher?

EVA

Louis?

LOUIS

Yes. It’s so good to see you.

(He gets up and approaches her. He wants to go in for a hug, she’s not sure to stand or not. She stands, but makes sure there’s a lot of distance between their torsos as they hug. He sits down at her table.)

LOUIS (continuing)

You look great.

EVA

Thanks. So do you.

LOUIS

I haven’t seen you in years. Look, I’m really sorry about how things ended between us. I always thought you were a really great person.

EVA

That’s nice of you to say.

LOUIS

So, what have you been doing with your self?

EVA

I work as a legal assistant.

LOUIS

Great. You wanted to do that.

EVA

Just bought a condo.

LOUIS

Well, dig you.

EVA

And I’m a born again Christian.

LOUIS

That’s new. You know, this is crazy, but I was just thinking about you. Do you ever think about me?

EVA

Oh, yes. In fact, I pray for you. Every day.

LOUIS

Oh. That’s thoughtful, but I don’t think God really hears prayers.

EVA

I pray to Jesus about you.

LOUIS

I’m Jewish.

EVA

I pray for you to burn in hell.

LOUIS

Are you allowed to do that?

EVA
My prayers. Before you go to hell, I pray that you experience some horrible, horrible things. Disfigurement. Homelessness. Leprosy.

LOUIS

Why would you do such a thing?

EVA

You’re a horrible person, Louis Goldman. You’re a liar. An infidel.

LOUIS

I’m not as bad as I used to be. I’ve gotten better. Can’t you pray for me to keep becoming a better person?

EVA

I’d rather pray God smite you. It fills my heart with joy.

LOUIS

Okay. Well, if you ever think you might be able to forgive me-

EVA

I tried.

LOUIS

And-

EVA

I’m praying your eyes bulge out as your throat closes up from being attacked by venomous vipers. Praise the Lord.

LOUIS (standing)

I’m going to go, now.

EVA (standing)

I’m late for the prayer group I lead. Today we’re going to spend the entire hour praying Jesus comes into your life and kicks you in the balls.

(She exits.)

LOUIS

I left you because you were crazy! Man, I can’t believe I was actually missing her. (Louis turns to leave and a bearded man looking like Jesus enters.) Jesus?

JESUS

My son.

LOUIS

Did you hear all those nasty things Eva was saying about me?

JESUS

Yes. I did. (Jesus puts his hands on Louis’s shoulders.) Have patience. She knows not what she says. She is full of sadness and pain. Her heart will heal. All you need to do is pray for her. I will hear your prayers.

LOUIS

Really?

(Jesus knees Louis in the groin.)

JESUS

Just kidding.

(Blackout)

Week 52, Day 361 - "Your New Improv Coach"

“Your New Improv Coach”

Written by Joe Janes

1/14/10

361 of 365

Cast:

Crystal Dee, 30s

(Lights up on Crystal Dee, a very energetic woman a nice blouse and old sweatpants.)

CRYSTAL DEE

Is everybody here? Is this everybody?...Okay. Okay. Cool. We’ll, get started. How’s everybody doing?...I said, “How’s everybody doing, yo?”... That’s better. I knew you could do it. My name is Crystal Dee. I’m going to be your new improv coach. Good looking team. Lots of hotties and studs. Tonight, you’re just checking me out, as a coach, get your mind out of the gutter. Hopefully, we hit it off and we get to do this more often. Right? Right….You might have seen me around town. I’m on several improv teams. Shut The Chuckle Up, Mr. Peepers and Unnatural Gas. There are other teams I coach. You’ve probably heard of Jest in Show and Improvised Kafka. I also teach and am an ensemble member over at Comedy Olympians – the home of pun and games.

But enough about me. Let’s do some improv, yeah? Everybody up on your feet. Stand on up. Good, good, good. Come on, now. Everybody. Stretch. Everybody stretch. Shake out your arms and your legs. Take a deep breath. Let it out. Give yourself a big old hug. A big squeeze. This is a friendly ol’ hug. Keep it clean. (She is hugging herself) Hug and hug and hug. (She realizes she may have been doing this too long.) Okay, break it up or get a room with yourself.

Now, then… Two people up. Come on, don’t be shy. Two people up. You and you. (She gets two audience volunteers up and on the stage. A man and a woman.) What are your names? (They respond.) Cool. Cool. The guy’s are pretty hot in this group. And you’re pretty, too. How long have you been in improv? (She cuts the woman off.) I’ve been doing this ten years. Ten years. Took my first class from improv guru Ed Garza. Do you know who Ed Garza is? Well, you should. Big lesson, here. Know your roots, people. Ed Garza, Jim Belushi, Viola Spelling. Okay, you are a couple and you are decorating your condo for a “Lost” premiere watching party. Okay – and go!... (They, through Crystal’s side coaching, if need be, begin an improvised scene.) …Good, good, keep going. His name is Benji. Call him Benji… Good, good, you guys rock, keep going….Okay, uh, woman-girl, as Benji inflates the palm tree balloon – inflate a palm tree balloon – object work, people – as he does that, you find a woman’s phone number written on a napkin in lipstick in his jacket pocket. It’s hanging on the door. Make it look natural. (She side coaches them through this action.) Okay, okay, woman-girl, you find the number, it has lipstick on it, what’s your reaction? …Class, what would you do? .. Okay, those choices are all wrong. If you get angry, he’ll leave and you’ll have all your friends coming over for a party and have to explain why your live-in boyfriend isn’t there. And you ruin the “Lost” premiere by wailing all the way through it. Especially when Sawyer comes on. So, it’s improv, discover another reaction to have other than anger and confrontation. Go… (She side coaches the woman through reacting to the note and squashes all the woman’s choices.) Look. Look. It’s a class. You’re new, you’re green. It’s a process (pronounced proh-cess). But let me show you what a more experienced improviser would do. Stand over there. (She places the woman to the side of the stage.) Keep blowing up that palm tree, Benji!... So, I’m putting up a welcome sign near the door and, oh, no, I knocked Benji’s jacket down off the coat rack… See, natural… I pick up the jacket and dust it off, accidentally slip my hand in one of the pockets and what’s this?… I see the note. Benji doesn’t see me see the note. I look at it. I read it. I process my emotions about it. Anger? Hurt?... All very obvious choices. Never go with the obvious choice. The right choice is fear and suppression. I shove the napkin back into his pocket, put the jacket on the hook, turn and smile at Benji…. See, it’s all about relationship. We’re decorating but it’s not about decorating, it’s about relationship. I march over to Benji and knock the palm tree out of his mouth, grab him firmly by the boobs and kiss him. (She does this. If the actress doesn’t think a kiss would work here with the volunteer, she can substitute “nuzzle.” And she should nuzzle the hell out of him.) Benji looks in my eyes and says, “I love you.” (She waits for the volunteer to say, “I love you.”) And “I will never, ever, leave you, Crystal.” (She waits/coaches him through that.) And…scene.

Good job, you two. Good job. So much potential. Have a seat. Great scene. I think this is going to work out. Hey, one last group thing. Everybody back on your feet. Stand up. Hands in. Come on. Hands in. (She sticks her hand out and tries to the best of her ability to do a “hands in” with the audience.) Crystal rocks on three. One-two-three- Crystal rocks! Whoo! I’m hitting the bar across the street. See you over there? I’ll even let you buy me a drink. Okay. Okay. See you over there. Make sure Benji goes!

(Blackout.)

Week 52, Day 360 - "One Night"

“One Night”

Written by Joe Janes

1/13/10

360 of 365

Cast:

Jimmy, 30s

Christine, 30s

Anna, 30s

(We hear someone fumbling with keys. A door opens and a couple stumbles in and one of them flips a light switch and the lights come on. We see a Jimmy and Christine enter making out, fumbling with removing jackets.)

JIMMY (while kissing)

You are amazing.

CHRISTINE (while kissing)

Shut…up…

(They continue kissing.)

JIMMY (while kissing)

Two strangers meet in a bar-

CHRISTINE (while kissing)

Seriously, Jimmy.

JIMMY

I’m just so excited.

(Christine is about to say something and we hear a baby cry off stage.)

CHRISTINE

Your turn.

(Jimmy exits. Christine gets her self a beer. Jimmy re-enters carrying a baby.)

JIMMY

Hey, Buddy…It’s good. We’re good. This is fun.

CHRISTINE

Yeah. Fun. Being strangers meeting at a bar was supposed to spice things up.

JIMMY

I thought it did. I had a lot of fun. And now we get to play house.

(The doorbell rings. Christine opens the door and Anna comes in.)

ANNA

Hey, can I have my baby back? We’re ready for bed.

JIMMY

Sure, sure. Here you go.

(He hands the baby to Anna)

ANNA

Hey, there, Hank. How ya’ doing’? Oh, you’re such a good boy. How was role-playing night?

CHRISTINE

I think we tried too many things at once. One night stand with strangers, young couple having post-baby sex-

ANNA

Keith and I just get naked and have sex. It’s fun. Have a good night.

(She exits.)

JIMMY

Want to just get naked?

CHRISTINE

That seems so straightforward. We could play divorced couple.

JIMMY

And have massive angry reconciliation sex? Kinky.

CHRISITNE (taking out phone)

I’ll call the lawyers.

(Blackout.)

Week 52, Day 359 - "Pigeon"

“Pigeon”

Written by Joe Janes

1/12/10

359 of 365

CAST:

Frank, 30s

Tom, 70s

Cop, 40s

Four homeless people, various ages

Four elderly people, 70s

(Lights up on a park bench. We hear the sound of pigeons cooing. Frank, a homeless man, is sifting through a garbage can. Tom, an elderly man, enters with a paper bag and sits down. Frank sees him and holds out his hand. Tom shrugs as if to say he has nothing. Tom sits on the bench and starts feeding the pigeons bread crumbs from the bag. Frank notices this. A cop enters.)

COP

Sir, please don’t feed the pigeons.

TOM

But-

COP

Pigeons are known to carry disease and their droppings are both noxious and unsightly. If you feed them, more of them will show up and we will have more pigeons than this park can handle.

(Tom nods and folds the paper bag closed. The pigeon sounds fade. The cop exits.)

FRANK

Hey, Mister. Can you help a guy out?

(Tom thinks for a moment and starts throwing breadcrumbs at Frank, who catches them in his mouth. Four other homeless people appear from various directions and starts begging for crumbs. Tom obliges them. The cop re-enters.)

COP

Sir!

(Tom folds the bag closed. The homeless people all sulk away. The cop is satisfied and exits. Tom sits looking lonely. He opens the bag and nibbles on a crouton. Suddenly, four other elderly people appear out of nowhere, all dressed similarly to Tom.)

COP (offstage)

Sir!

(Blackout.)

Week 52, Day 358 - "Turkey In The Straw"

“Turkey In The Straw”

Written by Joe Janes

1/11/10

358 of 365

Cast:

Organ Grinder, 60s

Monkey, 40s

Lilly, early teens

Dad, 40s

(Lights up on the Organ Grinder, an older, overweight man with a too tight, ornate vest and a fez-like hat. The Monkey wears a similar vest and hat. The Organ Grinder leans against the wall, seemingly asleep. He has one hand on his calliope organ and the other holds a leash. The Monkey, on the leash, is curled up on the ground, and also appears to be sleeping. Lillie and her dad walk by.)

LILLY

Look, Dad. What’s that? Are they homeless?

(The Organ Grinder and the Monkey open their eyes, but don’t move.)

DAD

No, dear. It’s an organ grinder. You give him a nickel and he plays his organ and the monkey dances for us.

LILLY

I have a nickel.

(She puts a nickel in a cup on top of the organ. The organ grinder cranks the handle of the organ and plays a measure of “Turkey In The Straw.” The monkey hops up and down and grins while he does this. Song over. Monkey lays back down and the Organ Grinder lies back against the wall.)

LILLY

That was disappointing.

DAD

Well, Lilly, it was only a nickel. You have to admit, that was worth a nickel.

LILLY

I guess. What happens if you give them a dollar?

DAD

I don’t think they’d do anything diff-

(Lillie plops a dollar into the cup. Lights shift and a heavy-beat dance hip hop version of “Turkey In The Straw” fires up when the Organ Grinder cranks the organ. The Monkey busts some serious moves as the Organ Grinder raps.)

ORGAN GRINDER

Well I hitched up the wagon and I drove down the road,

With a two horse wa-gon and a four horse load,

I saw a tur-key bird just a play'n in the hay,

But he sure couldn't have known it was thanks gi-vin' day.

Tur-key in the straw , in the straw, straw straw straw

Tur-key in the hay, in the hay, hay hay hay.

I ran and ran till my feet were sore,

but I aint nev-er gon-na catch the Tur-key in the Straw.

Well I had a Little chicken and she had a wooden leg,

She's the finest little chicken that has ever laid an egg,

Well she laid a lot more than any chicken on the farm,

But another little drink wouldn't do her any harm

Well if frogs had wings and snakes had hair,

And automobiles went a-flying through the air,

And if water melons grew on a huckleberry vine,

we'd have winter the the sunny summertime.

Word.

(Lights go back to normal as the Organ Grinder goes back to leaning against the wall as the Monkey coffee grinds into being curled up on the ground, again.)

DAD

Well, I think we learned something here, Lilly.

LILLY

You get what you pay for?

DAD

That “Turkey In The Straw” has lyrics. Who knew?

(Blackout.)

Week 51, Day 357 - "Smooth Sailing"

“Smooth Sailing”

Written by Joe Janes

1/10/10

357 of 356

Cast:

Gretchen, 20s

Tyler, 20s

Steffen, 20s

Crew Member, 50s

(Lights up on the stylishly and sportily dressed Tyler and Gretchen in the worlds smallest sailboat. Gretchen is at the bow and Tyler is at the stern operating the rudder and controlling the main sail. )

TYLER

Duck.

(Gretchen ducks as Tyler repositions the sail.)

GRETCHEN

Such a lovely day.

TYLER

Yes, it is, Gretchen. The weather is cooperating nicely. A wonderful opportunity to show you what the “Tyler’s Piece of Pi” can really do on the open sea.

GRETCHEN

It’s Lake Erie.

TYLER

Duck.

(She ducks as the sail shifts over her.)

GRETCHEN

Did you spell pi p-i for some mathematical reason?

TYLER (looking at the bow of his boat)

No. I ran out of room for the “e.”

GRETCHEN (waving)

Oh, look, there’s Steffen and his yacht.

TYLER

Humpf. A real sailor would actually sail his own boat. Not shout commands to a crew from the safety of his steering wheel while sipping a mojito. Wake!

(For a few moments, their boat rocks dramatically until it settles.)

GRETCHEN

I think I might be sick.

TYLER

Take deep breaths. And aim for the water.

GRETCHEN

I have to. There’s not enough room in here for my vomit.

(She takes deep breaths.)

TYLER

Feel better, Love?

GRETCHEN

Yes. I feel better. Tyler, when you told me you had a boat, I thought you meant something else.

TYLER

Something else? This is a boat.

GRETCHEN

I thought it was a dinghy. But it isn’t, is it? This is your boat.

TYLER

Why, yes, Gretchen. I inherited this vessel from my father who got it from his father. “Tyler’s Piece of Pi” is a family treasure.

GRETCHEN

When you said you had a boat, I thought you meant a yacht, like Steffen’s.

TYLER

Oh, I see. You’re disappointed.

GRETCHEN

A little. I wanted to lie out on the deck in the sun.

TYLER

You can still lie out.

GRETCHEN

I would have to straddle the mast and hook my ankles over your shoulders.

TYLER

I am all right with that.

GRETCHEN

Could we just head back to shore? I’m not feeling so well.

TYLER

Fine. Sure thing. Duck.

(She ducks.)

GRETCHEN

We’re not turning.

TYLER

Gretchen, this is a sailing ship. She takes time. She’s in a dance with the wind and my commands. She’ll turn when she’s ready. Oh, crap, here comes Steffen, again. Wake.

(The boat rocks dramatically as Steffen, in a much larger boat, pulls up along side Tyler boat.)

STEFFEN

Ahoy! Are you two lovebirds in distress?

TYLER

No, Steffen, we’re not in distress.

STEFFEN

Oh. I just assumed your ship sank and this was some kind of life preserver.

TYLER

Well, it isn’t. This is “Tyler’s Piece of Pi.” My sailboat.

(Steffen laughs.)

STEFFEN

You had me going. Seriously, come on board and we’ll take you to shore.

GRETCHEN

We should go, Tyler. It will take us forever to get back in this thing.

TYLER

A captain does not abandon his ship.

STEFFEN

Bring it with you, then. There’s plenty of room. Or let us throw you a line and we can tow you in. Here you go, Gretchen!

(Steffen snaps his fingers and a crewmember tosses her a line. She grabs it and wraps it around a hook in the bow of the boat.)

GRETCHEN

Thanks, Steffen.

STEFFEN

No problem, Sugar Buns. See you back at shore.

(Steffen and his large boat pull away. The rope tightens as they feel the pull of the boat. She and Tyler are now being pulled. Tyler takes down the sail.)

TYLER

Well, this is completely and utterly humiliating.

GRETCHEN

It wouldn’t be so humiliating if you had a bigger boat.

TYLER

I have what I have, Gretchen. If it’s not good enough for you-

GRETCHEN

It’s not.

TYLER

Then you can just- it’s not?

GRETCHEN

No. It’s not. You’re not. Look, Tyler, I gave it a shot. I don’t see this working out at all. If you want someone who will be happy with you, find someone who is one – smaller and two- more easily impressed.

TYLER

Oh. You’d rather be with Steffen.

GRETCHEN

Steffen’s a douche, but I like his boat. I’m willing to make compromises.

TYLER

You know, you’re not such a great catch, either Gretchen. You’re shallow and wear too many smelly products. It’s like a Mary Kaye suicide bomber exploded in your jumper.

GRETCHEN

I’ll be out of your mullet soon enough.

TYLER

I can’t wait. If you want a ride on Steffen’s boat, you’ll have to swim after it.

(Tyler cuts the rope.)

GRETCHEN

Dammit, Tyler. (She jumps overboard and swims off.) Steffen! Steffen!

(Tyler walks forward and addresses the audience.)

TYLER

I shouldn’t have doe that. No matter how I felt. It was an unsafe thing to do.

(Steffen walks out and addresses the audience.)

STEFFEN

Gretchen never made it to my boat.

TYLER

She was swallowed by a whale.

STEFFEN

In Lake Erie.

TYLER

A rare fresh water whale.

STEFFEN

Which also ate Tyler’s boat.

TYLER

But not me. I jumped out in time and caught a lift from Steffen.

(They hold hands. Lights go down on them and up on Gretchen inside the boat inside the whale’s stomach.)

GRETCHEN

This whale is way too small.

(Blackout.)

Week 51, Day 356 - "Rate of Decay"

“Rate of Decay”

Written by Joe Janes

1/9/10

356 of 365

Cast:

Man, 30s

Woman, 30s

(Lights up on a man and woman standing downstage, seeming to be looking if full length mirrors. They are checking out how they look. It starts with adjusting bits of their clothing and moves to inspecting things like love handles, eye bags, jowls, etc.)

MAN

I think I’m getting older.

WOMAN

You look great. I’m the one getting older.

MAN

You look great. What’s age anyway?

WOMAN

Just a number. You’re only as old as you feel,

MAN

Shouldn’t worry about getting older. Life begins at forty.

WOMAN

That’s what all the old people tell me.

MAN

We really shouldn’t worry about it.

WOMAN

Worrying about it will only make us older.

MAN

Hey, looks go out to dinner.

WOMAN

It’s only four o’clock.

MAN

I know, but I’m hungry.

WOMAN

Me, too. Oh, and they have a two-for-one early bird special at Vinnie’s Italiano.

(They look at each other with great concern, they turn to the mirrors and look at them once more, they look back at each other.)

MAN

I can’t pass up a deal like that.

WOMAN

I’ll go put on my fat pants.

(Blackout.)