The Screaming in my Head

I have purposely been avoiding political stuff this week, even with the anniversary of 9/11. Possibly even because of that anniversary.

Quite frankly, I'm just tired of the bullshit and don't see any hope. Sorry to be such a downer.

Bush is speaking to the nation tonight to sell us the same old over-priced snake oil. The same thing he was going to peddle regardless of the Petraesaurus' report to Congress. He "might" bring 30,000 troops home by June. Exhausted soldiers that should have been sent home to stay long ago. Except it still leaves 130,000 worn out troops and there's that "might" word. Bush "might" send them home if Iraq meets certain goals. Didn't we just hear this?

Plus, Bush needs to syphon troops off of Iraq so he can send them over to Iran when we invade and bring democracy to them like a flaming paper bag full of poop on their doorstep. He doesn't want to send our boys there, mind you. It's because we are very far behind in our robot soldier technology. Flesh and blood is still the most cost-effective way to do battle. It's the government's fault here. They went with Microsoft who keeps delaying the release. If they went with Apple, we would have had the iSoldier months ago and already be on a newer, cheaper model.

But I digress. I'm depressed about our commander-and-thief. What does it take? And why does this moron have such a stranglehold on this country? He wears Iraq like it's the emperor's new clothes and I'm tired of looking at his buttcrack.

The only good news I can find is that at least we're not Russia. Putin is preserving his vision of rolling back democracratic reforms by dissolving the current government and installing his own chosen prime minister. WTF? Bush is positively green with envy.

Soiree Dada begins its second week tonight. Compared to Bush and Putin, it's my preferred brand of committed nonsense. Nobody dies at our shows.



ROBOWRITERS IS TONIGHT!

The lovely and talented two-headed beast of Chris Othic and Nat Topping will be filling in for me at Robowriters at 6:30pm at the Uptown Writer's Space. Chris has a very interesting assignment that I will post tomorrow.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A small plane crash in Provo, Utah Tuesday was caused by what?"

26% said "The pilot spilled his coffee"
- Nope. His grande mocha frappachino was safe, secure and delicious. (BS note: I'm not even going to bother looking up the proper spelling for "grande mocha frappachino," so suck on it Starbucks! Unless I spelled it correctly, in which case, I live in shame.)

26% thought "The pilot was on a cell phone"
- Nope. He was texting anyway. OMG BFF BMBI CRSH

6% guessed "The pilot ran out of gas"
- Nope. The combustible nature of the frappachino gave him plenty of gas.

The correct answer that most of you got at 42% was "The pilot hit a deer"

According to the Associated Press, a plane owned by Utah Valley State College sustained $50,000 in damage when it slammed into a deer during a landing. So, it wasn't a reindeer in flight that it hit. Beware of the burgers being served today at the UVSC student cafeteria.

826

So, I volunteer tutored at 826 for the first time, yesterday.

826 is a non-profit organization founded by author Dave Eggers "dedicated to supporting students ages 6 to 18 with their creative and expository writing skills, and to helping teachers inspire their students to write."

It's a really cool place in Bucktown that poses as a spy store in the front - selling really bad fake mustaches - and has a well-stocked classroom in the back. Kids love the spy stuff which makes coming to the place more enjoyable. Along with doing very fun workshops and field trips, they also do after school tutoring.

Now, I've taught kids before. I have taught improv and writing at Second City day camps. I've instructed "residents" in improv at the Cook County "Temporary" Juvenile Detention Center. There was something about going one-on-one with a student working on their homework that had me worried. I was afraid I wouldn't know what the heck their teacher wanted and would actually tutor them to a worse grade than if they had just done their homework on their own. I also found out yesterday that students might also bring in math homework. I didn't do so well with math the first time around.

Fortunately, it's a very supportive environment and if you find yourself out of your element, there's always another tutor nearby who does know how to multiply and divide fractions.

Mathea is a cute curly haired, apple cheeked little girl that I got to work with. She brought in social studies, spelling, and - gulp - math homework. The math homework turned out to be part of a program where she just needed to do two worksheets and time her efforts. My only role would be as timekeeper. The social studies was the most involved and took up most of the time. She had to read a lesson and answer questions on our government, the main point of which is that our government officials are elected by the people to serve the people. After reading this with Mathea, I'm led to believe most of our politicians in Washington may have skipped the fifth grade and missed this important lesson.

She was great to work with and it turned out to be a lot of fun for both of us. Most of the kids at 826 want to be there. There are a few kids there against their will and I overheard a tutor having a tough time getting one to hunker down and do his work. I lucked out, but I'm sure I'll have my turn with one of them. No big deal. I've taught improv to little criminals. I just have to remember to curb the profanity.

I hesitated offering my services as a volunteer. I do way too much stuff that doesn't pay or doesn't pay enough. But this was only a few hours, very rewarding, and, the best part, when Mathea had a few minutes to kill before her parents came, she drew me a picture of a monster. Score one for the refrigerator door!



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A New Hampshire teenager's yearbook senior picture has been rejected, because she's holding a what?"

46% said "A crucifix"
- No. They didn't mind the crucifix. It was her head-spinning. Made the picture blurry.

15% selected "A - ahem - personal massager"
- No. At least, not that they could see.

9% picked "A machine gun"
- Yeah. It was deer hunting season. I mean, no.

The correct answer that 30% got was , of all things, "A flower"

According to the Associated Press, Merrimack High School student Melissa Morin's senior photograph featured her and a small red flower. School officials, however, said the picture is not going to make it in the yearbook because props aren't allowed. Apparently, at one time, a student did hold a gun for his school photo which led to a "no props" allowed rule. It sounds a little silly, I know. But she was stabbing a kitten through the heart with the stem.

They're Digging in the Wrong Place!

About the only thing interesting to happen at the MTV VMA show was Shia LaBeouf announcing the title of the new Indiana Jones movie.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

Some people have been poo-pooing it, but I don't think they realize how much time and effort George Lucas puts into titles. He pulls at his neck when he thinks which is why it has that flappy look to it under that thin veil of beard. Lucas went through hundreds of titles before settling on the one I mentioned earlier (I'm too tired to re-type it.)

Forging a title is the grueling hard labor of creativity. It can make or break your project. In 2001, Second City Theatricals produced a brilliantly funny show written by Jeff Richmond and Michael Thomas called Hamlet - the Musical! A year later, they took it to Off Broadway. Jeff and Mike, well aware at how over-used "...the Musical!" had become (it was not so when they first developed the project) changed the name to Melancholy Baby. It closed after a month.

Just to show you how difficult a task it was for George Lucas to come up with a catchy title for Indy's fourth outing, my Hollywood spies were able to pull from Lucas' trash can the final titles that filled out his top ten choices.

They are...

10) Indiana Jones and the Revenge of the Tenure-track Archaeologists

9) Indiana Jones and the Attack of Some Guys Cloned to Look Like Indiana Jones (They're called stunt men)

8) Indiana Jones and Spring Break - Cancun!

7) Indiana Jones and Thank God Karen Allen Took A Fiber Arts Class

6) Indiana Jones and the Cul-de-sac of Doom

5) Indiana Jones and the Battle for Endor

4) Indiana Jones and the Return of the Snakes - Lots of 'em!

3) Indiana Jones and the Third Reich Strikes Back

2) Indiana Jones and the Guy Too Old To Play Him

The obvious number one choice in comparison...

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

(I copied and pasted it. I think this title gave me carpel tunnel syndrome.)

Photo from IndianaJones.com


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"German TV talk show host Eva Herman has lost her job because of her praise for what?"

40% chose "Tom Cruise and Scientology"
- Nope. I'd say more, but I don't want to be sued by a closeted gay super star and his faux religion.

30% thought it might be "Hitler's mustache"
- Nope. Even current day Germany realizes how damn handsome that stache was.

10% said "George Bush and the Iraq War"
- No. She did praise them, but they didn't take her seriously.

20% got it right with "The Third Reich's family values"

According to the BBC, talk show host Eva Herman was fired after confirming she said "values like the family, children and motherhood, which were promoted in the Third Reich too, were later scrapped by the 68ers". 68ers refers to the radicalism that swept the West in the 1960s (I guess they mean us hippies). I don't really see what the problem is here. The family that slays Jews together, stays true together.

Take Your Seat

Soiree Dada: Blinde Hesel Hopse opened this past weekend. It was a grueling week starting with previews last Tuesday all the way to Sunday's matinee. We had a lot of press turn out and we had decent audience turnout, especially for opening night. I think we'll get positive press, but more importantly, I think we'll get a lot of word-of-mouth and repeat business. In fact, just in our first weekend, there were several people who came to previews and returned to see it a second time. I think it's the kind of show you can see several times without getting bored. The experience of the show can very greatly simply by where changing where you sit.

Of course, you could say that about any show. Seeing Wicked from the fifth row is a very different experience than seeing it from the last row of the balcony. And the people seated around you affect your experience, sometimes positively, but most times negatively via chattiness, cellphones, coughing, eating, antsiness, late arrivals, etc. Those things might happen at our show, but they will be quickly dealt with and will become a part of the show. And because of the intimacy of our space, there is no hiding.

More importantly, each Dada has their own unique station and audience members have to play a game of chance to win a seat. These are, of course, Dada versions of games of chance. You may have to sing a lullaby, whack a picture with a hammer, or guess what Dada Mondo Yippeeeeeee is thinking about you right now. Party-poopers can just take a seat on or near the stage. But since each Dada interacts with their guests it's like getting your own show within the larger show. Come early so you can experience all eight of the games. A very unique theatrical experience that I haven't encountered anywhere.

(Photo of Dada Rusty Kluster's seats by Fuzzy Gerdes.)



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE WEEK

On Saturday, I asked...

"At least five traffic accidents in Minnesota on the same street were caused by a truck spilling what?"

20% thought it was "Bananas"
- That would have been beautiful. Sorry, no.

No one thought it was "KY Jelly" or "Milk"
- The combination of which would make for a really disgusting yogurt.

80% knew their stuff and picked "Chicken Guts"

According to the Associated Press, a truck spilled a load of apparent chicken renderings last Thursday. The mess covered eight blocks and wound up on, or inside, many vehicles parked along the street. The slippery pavement caused at least four rear-end collisions between vehicles unable to stop at intersections. Police were trying to locate the truck on Friday. So, it's not so much "Why did the chicken cross the road?" as it is, "What happened to the truck that splattered his guts all over the place?"

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

"Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!" (1969 - 1972)



I hesitated putting Scoob on Saturday Morning Cartoons. With the movies and the many permutations, I kind of feel Scooby and the gang, well, sold out. I loved the original series, which ran from 1969 to 1972. Then it became Scooby-Doo movies and featured special guests. This show was horrible. Some of their mystery-solving co-stars included The Three Stooges and The Harlem Globetrotters. Both acts were more fun live because you were seeing people act like cartoons. Not so interesting when I know the only skill involved in making that ball move (or ball ping hammer for the stooges) belongs to the sweat shop animators at Hanna-Barbera. Of course, the two worst infractions against cartoonkind was the introduction of Scooby's nephew, Scrappy-Doo (I mean, really, does the comic relief need comic relief?) and a version of the show that had all the main characters as children (or puppies).

Still, I loved this show. It combined several of my favorite elements; scary movies, mysteries and comedy. I also had a crush on Velma. Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! premiered on September 13, 1969. The full names of the human characters were; Daphne Blake (hot!), Freddy Jones (Is that an ascot? Are you a cowboy?), Velma Dinkley (Hotter than Daphne!), Norville "Shaggy" Rogers (in the classic beatnik/hippy mold), and Scooby "Scoobert" Doo. They traveled around in a green van known as "The Mystery Machine" and solved many scary mysteries along the way. Not sure what they did for money. And as pat and formulaic as the show became, I have to give the animators credit. The monsters looked good.

Here's the opening credits with the original version of the theme song.



The same folks who did the theme song also provided music for the chase scenes. Basically, an original pop song that had absolutely nothing to do with the story. The creators were trying to cash in on The Archies phenom, but I don't think they ever produced a song that made the charts. Here's an example of one of their chase scenes from the second season. And note the reveal of the real monster - usually some mild-mannered character who realistically wouldn't be able to fill out that monster costume they using to scare the whomevers away.



Wish the Scooby gang would rip the fake dyed beard off of Osama bin Laden and reveal Dick Cheney cussing at those meddling kids.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In a meeting with our president, South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun challenged Bush to do what?"

50% answered "Visit his country"
- No. He saw what happened when Bush "visited" Iraq.

16% picked "Pull out of Iraq"
- No, but he did express concern about Bush not using a condom.

Everyone wisely avoided "Swap wives"
- He was more interested in Bush's daughters, anyway.

The correct answer, which 34% knew, "End the Korean War"

According to the Associated Press, Roh challenged Bush to make a declaration to end the Korean War. That conflict ended in a truce in 1953, not a peace treaty, so the two sides technically remain at war. Who knew? We actually do have three wars going on. I thought it ended when M*A*S*H went off the air.

I'm glad Roh kept pushing Bush on it. It made Georgie get his pissy look.

Flattery Not Included

ROBOWRITERS ASSIGNMENT

This one is simple and a lot of fun. Have you ever wanted to write a scene for Monty Python or Mr. Show? Have you ever wanted to write a scene for SNL or MADtv?

Your assignment is to do just that. Write a scene for your favorite sketch show. It doesn't even have to be from television. It can be for a group you have seen live, like The Second City.

Write a scene for that group. Instead of imitating well-known characters your favorite actors do or did, come up with new ones you think will fit their style.

And here's where it can really get fun. Say you do want to write a scene for The Second City. You can write for the specific cast of a show you saw or you can cherry pick your cast. I'd love to see a scene with John Belushi and Tina Fey or Scott Adsit with Gilda Radner. Go for it. It's your scene. Write for people whose work you really enjoy and admire.

Hell, you can even cross-pollinate. Let's see a scene with John Cleese, David Cross and Keegan-Michael Key.

What are your favorite shows and your favorite performers? Let them be your muse.


SOIREE DADA OPENS TONIGHT

7:30pm at The Chicago Cultural Center. Call 312-742-TIXS(8497) for reservations.

Here's another picture to whet your appetite...




What's in my pocket?
Dada poems put through a paper shredder.

What am I thinking?
How my underwear is severely and rapidly creeping up my behind.

Photo by Michael Brownlee.



THE NOD GETS BIGGER

More people have joined us for The Nod. Keri Myslinski, Amy Guth and Claire Micklin will be sharing their fine work on Wednesday, Spetember 19th at the Uptown Writer's Space.



THE WAR ON TERROR

Osama bin Laden and Britney Spears both plan to release comeback videos. When will the pain and suffering stop? How much longer will we have to live in fear? Homeland Security has raised the country's alert levels up to Black Lace which means there's a high probability of grease stains and unwanted exposure to butt cheek.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Patrick Hamman of Des Moines has been arrested for assaulting his father. His weapon of choice was what?"

50% said "His mother's prosthetic leg"
- Sadly, she was using it at the time....Not!

12% picked "A 'World's Greatest Dad' mug"
- Oh, the irony. Oh, the "no."

No one picked "The family dog"
- My fault no one was enticed to pick this one. I should have been more descriptive, but I couldn't figure out which kind of dog would be funny. German Shepherd? Alaskan Malamute? Chihuahua?

The correct answer, which 38% got, was "A bag of Cheetos"

According to the Associated Press, Patrick Hamman, 22, of Des Moines, threw a bag of Cheetos at his father, Michael Hamman, hitting him in the face Sunday night. The bag hit his father's glasses, causing a cut to the bridge of his nose, police said. The evidence? Well, the police report said "Michael's T-shirt was also covered in Cheeto dust." Police said Patrick, who lives with his father, admitted that he was on methamphetamine at the time of the argument. Cheetos, the cheese that goes "Fuck you, Father, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"

That's Enternewsment!

I have coined a new word.

ENTERNEWSMENT!

That's when the lines between news and entertainment are so wonderfully blended, or blurred, as when Senator Fred Thompson announced his candidacy for president on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Particularly apropos since his competitors were in New Hampshire at the time of the Leno taping. They were "grappling" with wimpy questions lobbed at them like fluffy cotton candy softballs posed by Chris Wallace. Thompson, wishing to be more challenged, had to face the hard chin and pointed questions of Jay Leno.

Their exchanged went something like this...

JAY: So, you want to be president? That's gotta be a tough job.

FRED: I'm sure it is, but I'm ready to give it all I can give.

(cue "applause" sign)

JAY: Boy, I bet the food on Air Force One is something. Did you hear about this? Ever since Jimmy Carter left office they stopped serving peanuts.

FRED: I'm a Republican and I offer an alternative.

JAY: Pretzels?

(cue "applause" sign)

JAY: Say, that Iraq War...that's some pickle.

FRED: It sure is, Jay. But I'm ready to give it all I can give.

(cue "applause" sign)

JAY: The Iraq War is like a bank account. There's a penalty for early withdrawal.

(cue "applause" sign)

FRED: (laughing heartily) That's so true. That's so true.

JAY: So, Fred, why announce your run for president on my show? Why not one of the major news programs or hold a press conference?

FRED: Because, Jay, I'm an American. I wanted to reach the American people. And this is America.

(cue "applause" sign)

(cue Johnny Carson spinning in his grave)

That, my friends, is enternewsment!

Can't wait for the State of the Union Address to be delivered on American Idol.



ROBOWRITERS IS TONIGHT!

At 6:30pm at the Uptown Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway. Bring a sketch or two. Get it read, get feedback. Eat candy. $5.



BLIND DONKEY HOPSCOTCH

Who's your dada?

Opening night is tomorrow night at 7:30pm at the Chicago Cultural Center. Come join us, won't you?



GET IN ON THE NOD

Ever want to read your blog entries to an audience? The Nod is coming up on Wednesday, September 19th. Send us an e-mail with a link to your blog. Send it to thenod.don.joe@gmail.com



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Nepal Airlines found a unique way to handle technical problems in their aircraft. They did what?"

At 41%, the most popular answer was "Trained attendants to do in-flight repairs"
- "There's a creature out on the wing!" "No, that's just Napu working on the engine."

33% thought it might be "Asked passengers to tip the mechanics"
- Sheesh, I hope I didn't give any airline officials an idea here. Who's going to risk NOT tipping the mechanic?

6% picked "Reworked schedule to take only short trips"
- Yes. Now, they only do flights from the east side of Nepal to the west side of Nepal. "We're about to take off, oh - we just landed."

20% got it right with "Sacrificed goats to appease sky god"

According to Reuters, officials at Nepal's state-run airline have sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft. Not to knock anyone's religious beliefs, but when it comes to aircraft repair, I think I have more faith in duct tape than fillet of goat.