Monday, March 17, 2008

What's in the Bag?

ROBOWRITERS ASSIGNMENT

The writing assignment this week has to do with generating mystery.

The game, for the most part, in sketch writing is to get all your pertinent information out quickly so the audience can be on board and enjoy the scene. This exercise is about intentionally, and playfully, withholding information.

One of my favorite scenes from a Writing 5 show was written by Robowriters regular, David Devries. The set up is easy to get. A young man brings a young woman home to his apartment after a date. They start to make out on the couch and get interrupted by his roommate coming home. A very typical situation, except his roommate is dragging a large duffel bag across the stage and into his room. His behavior is also suspicious as he stammers over answering the question "What's in the bag?" His answer, "Apples."

He leaves, the couple returns to making out, the man enthusiastically, the woman a bit reluctantly. They are interrupted again by the roommate exiting his room and going to the kitchen. He crosses back through the living room with a large knife - for cutting the apples? - and returns to his bedroom.

David does a nice job of building the tension mixing the roommates creepy behavior with the woman's growing suspicions and the man's strong desire for some hormonal wrestling. The woman's suspicions are, of course, our suspicions, too. It's important to have someone in the scene going through the experience of the mystery with the audience.

In David's scene we do find out what was in the bag - I won't give it away, in case you ever get a chance to see it or read it. Suffice it to say, it's either really apples or a screaming handcuffed man in his underwear. Maybe I did just give it away.

I do think the mystery does need to be answered. It's very similar to an inappropriate response scene. If we don't understand what's causing the behavior, we're not in on the joke. Or, it means a character is behaving the way they are simply because they are being a dick, which is tough to justify and sustain.

A good way to start working on a mystery scene is to start with common, everyday locations and situations. A doctor's office, a coffee shop, a family dinner, a conference room, etc. And then figure out the slight curve you're going to add to the mix. We're generating mystery here, so it's important to start off slow and let it build.

I like the doctor's office idea and think an interesting scene might be a pregnant woman getting an ultra-sound for the first time. As it's going on, the doctor clearly sees something, turns the screen away from her, but keeps telling her everything is fine. He goes and gets an associate to take a look. I can build it with people's reactions to the screen or who it is he brings in. A nurse, another doctor, a priest, someone from homeland security. I will eventually have to answer "What's in the belly?" I don't know the answer and probably won't until after a first or second draft and perhaps doing a list of ten on the subject. Once I find the answer, I can rewrite my scene to make an even stronger build to that conclusion.


METALUNA STAGED READING

Thank you everyone who came out to the staged reading on Saturday. We had a very nice turnout. Jen Ellison, the director, also did an excellent job casting it and prepping us for it. The performances were spot on with my vision for the play. It's a difficult show to convey. There are a lot of stage directions and crazy Dada things going on. I think we did about as best as we could short of a full production, which will be in July at The Red Orchid.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY


On Friday, I asked...

"According to a survey by eBeanstalk.com, the 'Tooth Fairy' gives kids on avergae what per tooth?"


37% said "$5"

25% said "$ .50"

No one said "$20"

And 38% got it right with "$2.62"

According to CNN, a survey of 150 mothers conducted by eBeanstalk.com, an online toy store, says the Tooth Fairy is giving an average of $2.64, with 60 percent of respondents reporting that they give less than $3 per tooth. Stray too far above the average and you're bound to frustrate some other parents on the block. "If one kid gets $20 and tells the kids at school, then other kids go home and are upset they got less," says Dr. Rhea Haugseth, a pediatric dentist in Marietta, Georgia. However, those who stray too far below the average -- or, at least, below their child's expectations -- might find they have some explaining to do.

I never understood the Tooth Fairy thing. I lose a tooth and you're going to give me money for it? I never questioned what perverse things that fairy might be doing with children's teeth. Making necklaces or doing some odd twist on macaroni art, perhaps. But I did find it to be a vital lesson in business. I get money for losing a tooth. I take the money and buy candy with it to promote losing more teeth thus making more money. Back then, I was only making a dime a tooth. Damn. I should have stuck with it.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Yippeeeeeee!


METALUNA AND THE AMAZING SCIENCE OF THE MIND REVUE - Tomorrow Night!





Metaluna is a play I wrote over a dozen years ago. I'm very proud of it and felt last week at rehearsal that it held up pretty well. While masquerading as a goofy romp through vaudeville and Dada, I feel like it also has a thing or two to say about politics, society and relationships.

Here is a picture of the cast being goobers backstage after our last show.




And, yes, that's me in blackface. The Dadas valiantly attempt vaudeville in the play and blackface was very much a part of the time. It also ties in with the transformation the character of Baden goes through. We had concerns about it in rehearsals, but went ahead with it anyway. We never heard a negative word about it from anyone, in the press or on the street. And we did have people of color come see our show, so it's not like we were just performing for our whitey friends. In the Los Angeles production, they backed off from it and only had the character of Baden wear it briefly for only one scene. They got reamed for it by one critic who called it a dark, regrettable moment. I think LA needs a hug.


ROBOWRITERS

Every Saturday, the boys from Robot vs Dinosaur and I wrap up our rehearsal to host a writing group open to anyone. It's from 1pm - 3pm at Gorilla Tango, 1919 North Milwaukee near Western. It's only $5. We think this is the best deal in the city for any writer to get high quality feedback on their scenes, so get off your butt and go take advantage of it! Don't worry about there being too many people there. We usually average around 5 and have room for more.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Connecticut 8th Grader and class vice-president Michael Sheridan was suspended and stripped of his title when he was caught at school purchasing a bag of what?"

12% said "Prescription Drugs"
- Dude, trade you my pbj for some Ritalin...

12% said "Paint Supplies"
- Dual purpose, man. You can vandalize a locker with it and then you can huff it and vandalize your brain.

12% said "Weed"
- Oh, how passe.

62% got it right with "Skittles"

According to CNN, Michael Sheridan, an eighth-grade honors student who was suspended for a day, barred from attending an honors dinner and stripped of his title as class vice president after he was caught with a bag of Skittles candy in school. Superintendent Reginald Mayo said in a statement late Wednesday that he and principal Eleanor Turner met with Michael's parents and decided to clear the boy's record and restore him to his student council post.

Why is the school backing down from this? Don't they realize that Skittles is a gateway candy? It will most certainly lead to worse things, like snorting Milk Duds, smoking Pixies Sticks or mainlining Twizzlers. Poor Michael is now on a treacherous path of not only tooth decay, but soul decay.


Thursday, March 13, 2008

Hell's Smells

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Northhampton, Mass. city officials recently hired the Agawam environmental company to do what to their landfill?"


42% said "Feng Shui it"
- Coffee grounds and baby diapers should be mindfully separated to create flow and make one feel energized while strolling through the landfill.

28% said "Hide it"
- Is it a landfill or is it ART!

Nobody said "Turn it into condos"
- With this market and the general quality of condos, wait and the condos will turn into landfills.

And 28% got it right with "Sniff it"

According to the Associated Press, a "sniff squad" of trained noses is being called in to root out Northampton's landfill odors. The city has hired specially trained stink-sniffers to help determine whether the dump is too pungent for neighboring homeowners to stand. Northampton officials signed a $25,000 contract with an Agawam environmental company after state officials ordered independent testing of landfill odors. Using little more than their own noses, the super sniffers are trained to detect and rate the strength of rotting trash, landfill gases and other unpleasantries.

They are paying someone $25,000 to tell them if their landfill is too smelly for its neighbors? Ladies and gentlemen of Northampton, I think I can save you some money here. Ask the neighbors!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The News

Sometimes the news itself is so damn funny, I have nothing to add.

Governor Spitzer of New York aka "The Sheriff of Wall Street," getting busted for being a high-paying john? That's a set-up and punchline right there, my friends. The biggest laugh I've had this week came from Barrack Obama when the Clinton campaign dropped hints they might offer him the vice-president position on a ticket. He said (paraphrased from memory), "Why would I accept being vice-president to the person in second place?"


As far as Spitzer goes, I really have nothing funny to add that The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and Countdown with Keith Olbermann haven't already covered and done better than I ever could in my blogosphere bubble. I will say two things, though. Whenever a politician or an evangelist is vocally super critical of something like prostitution, homosexuality or drugs, look out. Secondly, what's up with these wives who stand by their man at a time of ultimate humiliation for themselves and their families? Unless you were in on it and endorsed the behavior, let these jerks stand up there by themselves with their little weenies flapping in the wind.

Okay, one more thing... $5,000 to poke a hooker? Does this include a day at the spa and a gift bag? Does she use some rare kind of special lubrication culled from baby seals? What exactly are you getting in that blowjob that you couldn't get for a couple hundred somewhere else? An extended warranty? For my money, she better be humming the Star Spangled Banner and have a sparkler coming out of her ass. This is the real crime. A politician who doesn't know how to be frugal.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Officials in Jakarta are trying to deter commuters from riding on top of trains by doing what?"


28% said "Yelling shameful things at them"
- "You're disgracing the honor of your family, asshole!"

14% said "Poking them with a stick"
- That's what they do after the commuter falls off the train. To see if they are alive.

No one bought "Electrocuting them"

57% got it right with "Spray painting them"

According to the BBC, rush-hour trains in Jakarta are sometimes so packed that, to be on time for work, people are forced to get up on the roof and crouch below the black electric pylons until they reach their stop. But starting this month, guards are patrolling the stations, armed with canisters of coloured liquid. Their aim is to spray-paint anyone riding on top of the trains, to get some discipline back into the railways.

Here's an idea, Indonesia, just spit-balling here, how about providing MORE TRAINS!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Trippin', in a Good Way


Theatre Review

The Trip to Bountiful
by Horton Foote
Directed by Harris Yulin
Goodman Theatre
through April 6
(312) 443-3800 for ticket info



There are two things I discovered going in to this production...that the
The Trip to Bountiful was a play and that Horton Foote is still alive. He's in his early 90's and looks and sounds great. I hope to look that good in my 90's. Hell, I hope to look that good in my 50's.

In 1985, I saw the film version of The Trip to Bountiful starring the magnificent Geraldine Page. While critically praised, even garnering an Oscar and Spirit award for Geraldine, it got lost at the box office, stomped by such films as Back to the Future and The Breakfast Club. I only saw the film once in its theatrical release, but many of its touching moments are etched on my mind. Or, more likely, my heart. I remember going to a grocery store in Cincinnati after seeing it with my girlfriend and actually telling people there to go see the movie. We felt good after seeing it. Not pumped up. Not just put in a good mood. We felt human.

The Trip to Bountiful is the story of Carrie Watts, an elderly woman living with her son, Ludie, and daughter-in-law, Jessie Mae, in a cramped one bedroom apartment in Houston, Texas. The dining room doubles as her bedroom. She is a burden on Jessie Mae who treats her like a child and only seems to value Carrie for her cooking, housekeeping and monthly pension checks. Carrie is, of course, miserable and realizing that she is near the end of her time on this planet, she only has one thing she wants to do, that she must do, and that's to go home, again.

In going to see the play, I was worried about whether or not I'd be able to sit and enjoy it without constantly comparing it to the film. The story telling in this production is so good, that I was quickly caught up in the world the actors and director created. I have only seen a few shows at the Goodman and all have been on the side of spectacle. I didn't think they'd be capable of pulling me into such an intimate story. But they do.

The role of Carrie Watts must be the female equivalent of playing King Lear. The production rests squarely on that actresses ability to take us along with her on her journey home. Lois Smith as Carrie is outstanding. She encompasses the little girl in all aging women with grace and an infectious aliveness. The rest of the cast is superb as well. No one overplays their hand here and it's their light and dry portrayals more than anything that draw us into such a believable rural Texas.

The only thing that did pull me out of the story, albeit briefly and not enough to deter me from recommending the show, were the high-tech transitions. Particularly, the magical tree stump that moves on its own. It reminded me of a Star Trek monster trying to protect its eggs.

This play is a deceptively simple tale beautifully told. Go see it. If you absolutely can't, then rent the movie. And be thankful for such prolific living national treasures as Horton Foote.

I'm always reluctant to give out standing ovations and never stand up just because everyone else is. We were all on our feet at the curtain for this show. Well, almost all of us. Hey, people who leave during the curtain call so you can get to your car a few seconds early, you SUCK!



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Firefighter Nathaniel King is suing to get his job back. He was fired because he what?"


50% said "Fears heights"
- He's a firefighter in Saratoga Springs, New York. There are no heights there.

50% said "Hates cats"
- Shameful, but not a fireable offense in this case.

No one went for "Burns easily"

And no one got the right answer, "Faints at the sight of needles"

According to The Daily Gazette, a former Saratoga Springs firefighter dismissed because he fainted constantly when giving injections is suing the city to get his job back. Nathaniel King lost his job after he failed to complete training to qualify as a paramedic. City officials said King doesn’t meet current requirements for being a firefighter, which include being a certified paramedic. Paramedics are required to administer injections and to do intravenous procedures.

I never knew firefighters needed to be skilled with hypodermic needles. There must be a faster way to put out fires.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Found in Translation

ROBOWRITER'S ASSIGNMENT

Write the first three lines of a very simple scene. Two people. A simple relationship and setting.

For me, it's a teenage boy and his stepmom. He has just walked into the kitchen through the backdoor. She is cutting carrots. He has peeled off his backpack and left it on the floor. he goes over to the refrigerator and opens it up. He takes out a milk carton, looks at her, and drinks from the carton. She looks at him and continues cutting.

STEPMOM: The principal called today.

BOY: He doesn't like me.

STEPMOM: Really? Clearly, he just hasn't taken the time to get to know you like I have.


Now, take the three lines of dialogue and head over to AltaVista's Babel Fish.

Take the dialogue and translate it into French.

STEPMOM: Le directeur a appelé aujourd'hui.

BOY: Il ne m'aime pas.

STEPMOM: Vraiment ? Clairement, il juste n'a pas pris le temps de finir par vous connaître comme j'ai.


Then translate it from French into German.

STEPMOM: Der Direktor hat heute gerufen.

BOY: Er mag mich nicht.

STEPMOM: Wirklich? Deutlich hat er soeben die Zeit nicht in Anspruch genommen, durch Sie zu beenden, zu kennen, wie ich habe.


Then from German back to English.

STEPMOM: The director called today.

BOY: He does not like me.

STEPMOM: Really? It just did not take the time up clearly to terminate by you to know how I have.


So, from here, I forget about what I started with and see what I think about where I ended up. "Principal" became "director." I could keep the relationship and have the scene be about how the boy is screwing up in a play. Or maybe it's his first professional gig. I love the last line, it's a lot of words that create a basket full of nonsense. Not very useful, but I like the word "terminate" which means the boy's future as an actor could be on the line. The stepmom could also be trying too hard to manage the boy's career, either sincerely trying to help or trying to live through her stepson.

Is it better than what I would have come up with on my own? Probably not. But given that I write from my own particular brain, it's a way to consider language or situations that I wouldn't normally be pulled toward.

Speaking of brains...



METALUNA STAGED READING

WNEP Theater Presents an Exhibition reading of

METALUNA AND THE AMAZING SCIENCE OF THE MIND REVUE

by Joe Janes

featuring John Wilson, Don Hall, Dana Black, Sharko Bizarre, Merrie Greenfield, Nancy Friedrich, Rebecca langguth, Kevin Gladish, Micheal Brownlee, Joe Janes and Dave Stinton

Saturday, March 15th (Don't say it!) 7pm at the Uptwon Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway, suite 200. Tickets are $5. There will be wine, if you are wondering. SEATING is LIMITED. First come first served...that is the world's way.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Comcast SportsNet was called upon to apologize and discontinue an ad that mocked the name of a which town?"

33% said "Butte Face, Arkansas"
- Hey. Stop calling me Butte Face. Call me by my real name. Cliff.

22% said "Diquewad, Montana"
- The great founder, Jeremiah Diquewad, would be offended by this.

22% said "Titz, Nevada"
- Where all the Vegas showgirls come from.

And another 23% got it right with "Athol, Massachusetts"

According to WWLP Channel 22, Comcast SportsNet is apologizing for making Athol the butt of its jokes (their words, not mine). The cable sports network is also pulling print ads leaders of the small central Massachusetts town called insulting and offensive. The ads read: "We can pronounce Worcester without sounding like an Athol." But leaders of the town point out their community isn't pronounced like the similarly sounding vulgarity -- but "ATH'-ul." Comcast SportsNet spokesman Skip Perham says the ad was intended as a humorous play on words.

Perham said this while dipping into some snuff and daintily dabbing his nostrils with a handkerchief. Well played, Mr. Perham, well played.




Friday, March 7, 2008

A Political Runner

Topical humor in sketch revues can be risky. It relies on the audience being familiar with the subject and, being based on a current event, you run the risk of the heat of the topic being old news quickly. If you are a stand-up or working on a show that burns through a lot of material, topical humor is a great resource. Things never stop happening and, just like life, stupidity persists. There's always something to target. Works well for blogs, too.

Making sure the audience is aware of the subject is tricky. Sometimes you just have to trust that they are as aware as you are. And you'll find out rather quickly if they are not. One way to get around this is to let them know what you are poking a stick at. The Daily Show has a great format for this. Here's the news item and, now that we're all on the same page, we're going to brutally make fun of it.

What really got my goat up - my goat, apparently, has been lazing about for weeks - was Hillary's fear-mongering ad that likely gave her the edge in Texas and, gulp, my home state, Ohio.

If you are not familiar, the ad shows various children asleep while a phone rings in the background. Concerned parents check in on their kids while an ominous narrator talks about the phone ringing at 3am at the White House and who do you want to answer the phone? Someone with experience? Someone who already knows the world leaders? Someone who has been tested? Then it cuts to Hillary picking up a phone. Apparently, she was already up, because at 3am, she's in business attire and wearing her "serious" glasses.

Imagine the same ad, but instead of cutting to Hillary picking up at the end, I offer three different scenarios.

VERSION ONE

Narrator: (sfx: phone ringing) It's 3am at the White House. Who do you want to answer the phone?

(Cut to Hillary in bed picking up phone on the nightstand)

HILLARY: Hello?
BILL: (on phone) Hill, it's me, Bill. I'm at the back door.
HILLARY: What time is it?
BILL: The door's locked. Come let me in.
HILLARY: Where are your keys?
BILL: I lost them.
HILLARY: You lost them?
BILL: Yah. Must have been in my pants.
HILLARY: Your pants?
BILL: Oh, yah, lost them, too.
HILLARY: Be right there.
(Person in bed next to Hillary rolls over. It's Karl Rove.)
KARL: Who is it?
HILLARY: Don't worry about it, Karl. Just go back to bed.

(blackout)



VERSION TWO

Narrator: (sfx: phone ringing) It's 3am at the White House. Who do you want to answer the phone?

(Cut to Obama in bed picking up phone on the nightstand.)

OBAMA: Hello?.. Oh, hi.... No. No problem. I was up...Really...I see..
MICHELLE:(rolls over) Who is it, Baby?
OBAMA: (Covering phone) It's Delaware.
MICHELLE: What do they want?
OBAMA: They're just feeling lonely.
MICHELLE: Do they know what time it is?
OBAMA: (whispers)They're crying...Don't worry, honey, I won't be long. (She rolls back over to go to sleep. He returns to the phone.)...I think you're a very fine state...uh-hunh...Everybody likes you...I like you...uh-hunh...The new highway does not make you look fat...

(fade out)


I tried to think of a third one for John McCain, but all I could think of was him in front of a full length mirror drunk in his underwear practicing tai chi as the phone keeps ringing.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The Seattle Biomedical Research Institute will pay volunteers as much as $4,000 to contract what?"


50% said "bubonic plague"
- Not to be confused with the Ebonic plague, for which I dare not make a joke.

Another 50% said "a variety of STDs"
- A cocktail, if you will. And that's not salt around the rim.

No one thought it was "mono"

The correct answer, left unpicked, was "malaria"

According to the Associated Press, the Seattle Biomedical Research Institute will pay volunteers as much as $4,000 to be bitten by mosquitoes infected with malaria. Scientists say no lives are in danger because the volunteers can be cured. The institute is testing which vaccines work fastest. The head of the program, Dr. Patrick Duffy, says volunteers will spend several nights under medical supervision in a hotel.

Hmmm, four grand, a few nights in a hotel. You only have to endure some nausea and vomiting along with fatigue and sweats. In other words, SPRING BREAK!!!