You Know...Stuff

CHEDDAR FIXATIONS

Moral Fixations opens tonight at Donny's Skybox and there are only two shows left for Saturday's The Best of The Tens featuring Cheddar Moon, also at The Skybox, and this week is already over half sold. So, please come check them out and I strongly suggest buying your ticket in advance. Call the box office at 312.337.3992 or go on-line.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A restaurant chain in London has angered animal rights groups because its new pizza features what?"

40% said "Mountain Gorilla Breast Milk Cheese"
- Got to give props to the cajones on the dude that milks the gorilla. Make sure those hands are warm.

30% said "Foie Gras"
- Someone somewhere I'm sure already does this and Domino's will pick up on it soon.

10% said "Mashed Baby Chicks"
- Could be, but they'd have to make it sound better, french it up, like just le peep peep squishé.

20% got it right with "Frog Legs"

According to The Sun (I love it when I can attribute the center of our solar system as a source. That sun, what is it not a source of!), the “Hopper” contains eight limbs on a traditional base with capers and an anchovy sorbet.

The £17.95 dish has angered campaigners who slammed it as “barbaric” — because frogs’ legs are amputated while they are still alive.

An Animal Aid spokeswoman urged people to boycott London chain Eco.

She said: “The animals typically have their limbs hacked off while still alive, having been captured by the bucketload from the wild in countries like Indonesia."

Chef Sami Wasif came up with the idea on a trip to Paris — and called it “refined”.

Go ahead. Order it. But don't be surprised if you hear a squeaky wheel coming up behind you.

Joel James Is In The Hizzouse!

So, I have been in my new apartment for a little over two weeks and was getting frustrated with my landlord because my name had yet to be added to the telephone intercom system nor had it been put on my mailbox. Several phone calls and e-mails, he finally put me in the system yesterday.

Well, not me. Joel James now lives in my apartment. People misspell my last name all the time, so that wasn't a surprise. But "Joel"? Given how long it took just to get ol' Joel in there, I expect it will be a few more weeks before Joe gets added. Oh, and no name on the mailbox. I went ahead and did it myself. Handwritten on a white sticky label, which always looks like crap, I think.

By the way, if you Google "Joel James," you get this guy...




Check out his MySpace page. It's great. I feel bad for my neighbors, though.

Other than that, I do like my apartment. I went insane at Target yesterday and bought a lot of new goodies for the place. And I do mean insane. I wasn't expecting to move and really had to move some mountains to afford the transition. The last two weeks have been very tight. Down to loose change to ride the El tight. When money came in, I was like the drunk at the bar buying everyone drinks. Except instead of drinks, I bought new pot holders and underwear and dish towels and shower curtains and a shelving unit and cat litter for everyone! It's on me! I'm buying! Woo-hoo!

Everything I bought I did need. Well, almost everything. I probably didn't really need the extended and unrated versions of Death Proof and Planet Terror, but, damn, they were only $7.50 each! Who am I kidding? I needed them. They are essentials. The toothpaste and toilet paper can wait.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"William Timmons, the Washington lobbyist John McCain has named to head his presidential transition team, once represented this well known enemy of the United States."

27% said "William Ayers"
- Nah. Who cares about a washed-up terrorist. Timmons was with a real playah.

No one said "Mahmud Ahmadinejad" or "Osama Bin Laden"

73% got it right with "Saddam Hussein"

According to The Huffington Post, William Timmons, the Washington lobbyist who John McCain has named to head his presidential transition team, aided an influence effort on behalf of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to ease international sanctions against his regime.

The two lobbyists who Timmons worked closely with over a five year period on the lobbying campaign later either pleaded guilty to or were convicted of federal criminal charges that they had acted as unregistered agents of Saddam Hussein's government.

Timmons' activities occurred in the years following the first Gulf War, when Washington considered Iraq to be a rogue enemy state and a sponsor of terrorism.

Um, yah. Senator McCain, if you smell something rotten when you talk about Obama's associations, check your own drawers first. They're stinkier.

Moral Fixation

The Writing 5 Show Moral Fixation opens on Friday night. Great cast, strong writing. And some of the weirdest scenes that have ever been in a W5 show. We run for five weeks, Fridays at 7:30pm, in the Skybox. Sarah Erdelyan designed the flyer.


I Believe...

- Sarah Palin is telling anyone that will listen that the troopergate report that came out last Friday clears her of any unethical and unlawful wrongdoing. It clearly does not. Sarah Palin and John McCain believe that if you say a lie loud enough for long enough, it becomes truth enough.


MORE OF THIS IN THE WORLD, PLEASE



Bright Eyes' music video for their song First Day Of My Life off of their 2005 album I'm Wide Awake It's Morning.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Levi Johnston, who is having a baby with Bristol Palin, did what to prepare for fatherhood?"

20% said "moved into the governor's mansion"
- He sleeps in the tanning bed.

20% said "bought a Kevlar tux to wear at the shotgun wedding"
- He claims its not a shotgun wedding. But keep an eye out a year from now for a shotgun divorce.

10% said "sought advice from John McCain"
- "Marry her, Son. Then when she gets ugly or has a debilitating accident, divorce her and move on to a wealthy peroxide silicone hottie."

50% got it right with "dropped out of high school"

According to The Associated Press, not surprisingly, Johnston was a little shocked when he learned about Bristol's pregnancy, but he says he quickly embraced the prospects of fatherhood. The baby is due Dec. 18. Johnston has dropped out of high school to take a job on the North Slope oil fields as an apprentice electrician.

Oh, and Sarah Palin's advice to high schoolers considering dropping out?... "I'd remind the kids that no matter where they are in life _ (maybe) in circumstances that probably aren't ideal _ that there is no circumstance that they're in that is insurmountable or would necessitate them just giving up."

She's also against sex education in school.

The self-serving comedy writer side of me really wants her to become vice-president. This shit just writes itself.

CTA's New Strategy

Regular readers have heard me lament about the state of the CTA. It used to be great. Very reliable. Maybe once a year I would have a problem getting somewhere on time. A fair trade for all the times it got me where I needed to be on time or early. Now, I always give myself an extra half hour to 45 minutes and will still be thwarted in my quest to be punctual.

I have also noticed a dramatic increase in panhandlers and con artists on the train. On the way to work over the weekend, I waited 20 minutes for a train and then that train sat at Wilson for ten minutes. During that ten minutes, a guy went through with his homemade gospel CDs. He even rapped a few samples. Yep. Rap gospel. I did not feel saved. I felt like I was in hell. Then a guy came in telling us all that he was a good guy just trying to find work but needs help so he can better himself with classes and improve his prospects. He even had a laminated resume to show us. And other guy just went person to person asking for change. He wasn't stomping for Obama.

On the way back, I actually saw some guys running The Shell Game. Not familiar? It looks like just one guy with a small board on his lap with three bottle caps and a little ball. Put the ball under one the caps, move them around, tell him where the ball is, win some money. Looks pretty easy. There's a guy playing who's winning mad amounts of money from the guy. There's also another guy near one of the doors who's interested, but not playing. He's the lookout. The guy winning money and showing you how easy it is to take this guy's money is also in on it. I took out my phone, but didn't know who to call. Is this a 911? A 311? There's no number posted on the train on who to call. There's that button you push in case of an emergency, but I didn't want to broadcast my intentions to the three rather large dudes.

A guy next to me looked at me and shrugged. We chatted a bit. It's been years since either of us had seen The Shell Game being run. We were keeping on eye on things. No one was buying it. One guy took out his wallet and checked his funds and then put it away. The guy with the bottle caps moved through the emergency door between the trains to find some willing patsies. At the next stop, the "winning guy" and "lookout" exited out of separate doors as if it was their stop.

A peek through the connecting doors showed me that the lookout was now winning and the winner was now hanging back.

So, why isn't the CTA cracking down on this sort of thing? Why don't they post signs or phone numbers telling us how to report on these activities? Then it hit me. Of course! These guys work for the CTA. They split their take. It's the CTA's new plan to bring in more income to support their executives who are making 100k a year while pissing and moaning about not having any money to make the trains run on time or to keep them clean. Want to support the CTA and keep fare prices down? Start buying those rap gospel CDs and guess where the little ball is.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Last week during a frantic day of trading at the Chicago Board of Trade, CNBC reporter Rick Santelli found what on the floor?"

36% said "discarded tiny bottles of liquor"
- Nope. These guys are walking around with booze IV drips in their arms.

10% said "several nicotine gum wrappers"
- Nope. These guys just chew cigarettes.

9% said "an empty bottle of Pepto-Bismol"
- Next to an empty bottle of rum and a party hat. Hey, don't knock it til you try it.

45% said "a toupee"

According to CNBC, CNBC reporter Rick Santelli found a toupee on the floor of the Chicago Board of Trade during one of the most eye-popping days of trading in history. As stock prices plummeted and volatility soared, Santelli said that people were losing not only their shirts, but also their hair.

Adding insult to injury for the owner of the apparently denuded head, Erin Burnett adds, "Wow, it has a bad part-line, too."

This story saddens me. Traders are losing their hair. What's next, discarded penal implants? Torn out dental veneers? This is why we need bail outs. Or more people selling homemade rap gospel CDs.

A Special Announcement From Our Candidates

JOE: We interrupt this post to go live to Washington, D.C. for a special joint announcement from presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama...

(John McCain and Barack Obama appear side-by-side behind a podium on the steps of the capital building.)

JOHN: Greetings, my friends...

BARACK: What's up, America?

JOHN: Senator Obama and I come before you today in a display if bi-partisanship...

BARACK: John and I have spent the weekend in long talks about the state of our country...

JOHN: Our economy is in the crapper, my friends...

BARACK: Unemployment is at an all-time high...

JOHN: Our national debt is trillions of dollars and it keeps growing...

BARACK: Congress has been scrambling to turn things around and the best we can do is tell you not to panic...

JOHN: All the while crapping our own pants.

BARACK: The war in Iraq is out of control...

JOHN: Let's not go there. Let's just leave it at, we're at war.

BARACK: In two countries...

JOHN: And Iran's bucking for an ass-whoopin'.

BARACK: Global warming is an urgent threat that needs to be dealt with now.

JOHN: Dealing with healthcare is like trying to untangle billions of dollars from a ball of barbed wire...

BARACK: The number of illegal aliens coming in to our country is down...

JOHN: And we can't blame them. America just isn't all that pretty right now.

BARACK: With the country is such a downward spiral at the moment, whomever our next president is, will have his hand full.

JOHN: It will be a thankless job. Tough decisions will have to be made.

BARACK: We'll have to tighten our belts. Things will get worse before they get better.

JOHN: And in the process of getting worse, people will undoubtedly blame the new president for all their woes.

BARACK: Doesn't matter that we didn't cause the mess. One of us will be taking over the driver's seat on a bus that has already gone off a cliff.

JOHN:..or piloting a plane that's already been shot down. The next president will be treated like a Viet Cong's POW bitch for four years. No sleep, no rest, constant torturing from our national and international problems. Harassment from the middle class and opposition parties. No one will be happy.

BARACK: Basically, the next president is in for a Jimmy Carter of a time.

JOHN: Four years of trying to do the right thing while constantly being punched in the nut sack of democracy over and over and over...

BARACK: But we do think the next president, the one after the next one, will have a much better chance at being effective in office.

JOHN: It is with that in mind, my friends, that we regretfully announce that neither of us will continue our bid for president.

BARACK: We are both suspending our campaigns. And what does "suspending a campaign" mean, John.

JOHN (sheepishly): You actually stop campaigning and don't show up a dozen different places to tell people you are suspending your campaign.

BARACK: John and I are here to whole heartedly throw our support to the leading third party candidate. Ladies and gentlemen, your next president, Ralph Nader.

(Ralph Nader enters. John and Barack greet him smiles and pats on the back. Nader approaches the podium.)

NADER: Aw, crap.

CHEDDAR MOON

Another sold out show at Donny's last Saturday. The cast rocked. After opening night, most everyone went out to Old Town Ale House. There was a line to get in, so we went to McGinny's. Apparently, what we missed, was a lot of talk about Cheddar Moon and how much everyone enjoyed it. One of the actresses in another piece told me, with a slight edge, "Yah. My mother said it was her favorite."

The biggest and best surprise Saturday came when I found out after the show that Kate Powers was in the audience. Kate and I used to worked together at Jellyvision and she is a founding member of Teatro Bastardo (now Robot vs Dinosaur). Kate's one of those people who is abundantly talented, always the smartest person in the room, but also very humble and damn funny. I haven't seen her in years and always respect her opinion. She dug the show, which was great to hear.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"The National Debt Clock in NYC has also been affected by the economy because it what?"

5% said "was sold to a foreign investor"
- No. But it was made in China.

5% said "was moved to make room for a billboard"
- Better to sell some Calvin Klein underwear than be reminded we've soiled our Fruit of the Looms.

No one said "was turned off to save energy"

90% got it right with "ran out of digits"

According to The Associated Press, the digital counter has been moving so much that it recently ran out of digits to display the ballooning figure: $10,150,603,734,720, or roughly $10.2 trillion, as of Saturday afternoon.

The clock was put up by the late real estate mogul Seymour Durst in 1989 when the U.S. government's debt was a mere $2.7 trillion, and was even turned off during the 1990s when the debt decreased.

It will be replaced in 2009 with a new clock, said Jordan Barowitz, a spokesman for the Durst Organization. The new clock will be able to track debt up to a quadrillion dollars, which is a '1' followed by 15 zeros.

China had a similar issue. In Hong Kong, they have a Surplus Abacus and ran out of beads.

Just Breathe.

The presidential campaign is in overdrive and overload. Be sure to take a moment to turn everything off - TV, radio, computer - hide the newspapers. Take a deep breath. Listen to the silence. Smile at picturing a gaggle of hypoallergenic kittens playing with string. Or picture your favorite naked person naked. Or a hearty sandwich. Whatever provides an instant smile.

Now, get back to work.


Cheddar Moon - Only Three Moons Left!

Directed by Jason A. Fleece. Gloriously performed by Kristen Secrist, Ian Custer and Mike Johnson. Scripted by me. Love! Romance! Exclamation points! It could very well be the most important 10 minute play ever conceived and delivered for your amusement.

Three shows left. Saturdays at 10:30pm. It's a part of the Best of The Tens collaboration between Second City and Chicago Dramatists at Donny's Skybox. I strongly recommend buying your tickets in advance. You can get all the info you need by clicking HERE.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Animal rights groups are outraged over an upcoming festival in Peru called what?"

62% said "Llamapalooza"
-It's the stage diving that most concerns PETA.

25% said "The Hamster Shoot"
- It's only fair if you give the hamsters guns, too.

No one said "The Seal-A-Bration BBQ"

13% got it right with "The Gastronomical Festival of the Cat"

According to The Sun, animal rights groups are up in arms over an annual festival in Peru that serves up hundreds of fried CATS to locals.

The 'Gastronomical Festival of the Cat' – dubbed the 'Massacre of the Moggies' – sees townsfolk in Canete, near Lima, feast on the fluffy pets for two days.

They believe that eating cat burgers – and fried cat legs and tails – can cure bronchial disease.

It is also believed that feline meat serves as an aphrodisiac.

Um. Yeah.

Remember those kittens you pictured earlier playing with string. Now picture them slathered in BBQ sauce. With cole slaw on the side.

Don't look! Too late.

At least I didn't make any joke about eating- well, you know...

The Pot Just Inferred The Kettle Was Black

The BS News Quiz of the Day

Yesterday, I asked...

"On Tuesday before the debate, which McCain supporter accused Barack Obama of waging 'the dirtiest campaign in American history'?"

36% said "Rudy Giuliani"
- He said he hasn't seen such dirty, underhanded tricks since 9/11.

28% said "Sarah Palin"
- No. She's more focused on Obama's terrorist pals. I think she's just jealous because they never invite her along for pizza.

No one said "George W. Bush"
- He's barely said anything lately. Why couldn't this campaign have started eight years ago?

36% got it right with "Cindy McCain"

According to The Tennessean, Cindy McCain, who stopped to visit a half-dozen children at the Monroe Carell Jr. Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt today, said the presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama has "waged the dirtiest campaign in American history,” and her husband Sen. John McCain will use tonight’s debate to correct the distortions.

And then she told the children they would all live to 100 and live in candy houses filled with helpful and friendly animal servants who wore pants.

She also stated later that she wants Obama to wear her shoes. Don't do it, Barack! It's a trap. First it's the shoes, then it's the stockings and the bustier. Next thing you know, you picture is splashed across magazines and newspapers all around the world. And "surveyors" call the swing voters and ask them if they would ever feel comfortable knowing their president was a cross-dresser.