And that's from a vegetarian.

BEST CHRISTMAS PAGEANT EVER

This is a snippet from a school play called Santa Goes Green performed somewhere in Texas.



According to the Lone Star Times, a letter is circulating among conservative parents expressing outrage.

Here's a portion of the letter describing the show, with my comments in parentheses...

"The program Santa Goes Green began with a lively number Merry, Merry Christmas. The children’s chorus sang Christmas wishes to the audience as Santa and Mrs. Claus appeared on stage. The show went downhill from there; Mrs. Claus informed Santa how terribly wasteful many traditions are, including how even Rudolf changed his nose to an LED light, all the while forgetting that the original was lit by an inner light of love that did not use power at all. (I actually don't remember his nose being powered by the inner light of love at all. It goes off at embarrassing moments. As a kid, I equated this with getting boners in class or on the school bus. And Rudolph being a mutant.)

The soloists, during The Greenhouse Effect, preformed admirably. The argument that cutting down trees would make the North Pole as hot as Mexico was laughable. When lumber companies “Clear Cut” they also replant, which is why trees are considered a renewable resource. (Yah, global warming naivete aside, this jerk clearly hasn't looked at any topographical pictures of the Amazon rain forest. Even if what they say is true, replacing a 100-year-old tree with a sapling ain't a fair swap.)

Next, Santa was encouraged to use an “Electric Sleigh” for his Christmas Eve Deliveries in the tune called Turn Off the Pump(and Plug in the Sleigh). If the writer of this piece of political propaganda had thought it through, they would realize that Santa already uses the most ecological source of power; hay burning reindeer whose “exhaust” can be used as compost. (This is true, but a very exploitative and abusive use of animals. Santa's route is flying Iditarod. He probably loses a few reindeer to exhaustion along the way and brings the carcasses home to feed the elves on December 26th for a Christmas bonus. Not to mention all the ozone-depleting methane he's producing. )"

Now, I get the parents being pissed about a school kid's Christmas show having a political message, regardless of the message. But I love that they did this. I wish we had done this when I was in elementary school. Of course, back then, "being green" was called "ecology" and only hippies knew what it meant. A more prominent political issue was the Vietnam War. I would love for us to have done an Apocoplypse Now meets Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer show. A Marlon Brando-esque Santa is taken down by Herbie the aspiring dentist elf. "The horror, the ho-ho-ho-horror..."

The letter ends with...

"I fled the auditorium as soon as possible. I was angry and offended. I would have left in the middle of the show, except I was sitting in the middle of the row and I did not want to hurt my grand-daughter’s feelings by walking out in the middle of her big night. The premise of the show was awful. It drained the joy of Christmas from my very soul."

It drained the joy of Christmas from your very soul? I have news for you. If the joy of Christmas can be so easily tapped and syphoned out of your soul tank, you ain't got any. Make sure you stuff Bill O'Reilly's latest book into your granddaughter's stocking.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Responding to complaints about noise, Berlin, Germany police found a 60-year-old man sharing his two-room flat with what?"

54% said "1 horse"
- Keeping a horse in an apartment? That's not very stable. (Thank you, goodnight, tip your waitress!)

9% said "Anne Frank's relatives"
- As long as they keep coughing up dough for rent, I see no need to tell them WW2 is over.

No one said "50 cats"

36% got it right with "1,700 birds"

According to the AFP, Berlin city officials, summoned by complaints over the noise, found a 60-year-old man sharing his two-room flat with 1,700 budgerigars.

The budgies were living on perches installed along the walls, while the floors were saturated with droppings, veterinary services said here Wednesday.

The pensioner told officials he had adopted two birds because he felt lonely and that nature had done the rest.

About 1,000 of the birds were evacuated on Tuesday, 300 on Wednesday, while the remainder were to be taken from the flat to a rescue shelter over the next few days, officials said.

The tenant was also having to move as the flat was deemed no longer fit for human habitation.

He started with two birds and ended up with 1,700 because they were getting it on? This must have been a constant 24/7 bird orgy. What was he doing the whole time? Serving cocktails? Videotaping for the bird porn fetishists? I think if your birds start to over run the place and you have to walk through a layer of bird poop whenever you walk across the room, time to start frying up some budgie omelets to reduce the surplus population. And that's from a vegetarian!

It's snowing in Vegas?

Drew Peterson is engaged to be married?

Our governor got caught trying to sell Obama's senate seat and won't resign or be impeached?

Thank God there's still things like this to make me laugh.

I saw this sign in a laundromat window on Broadway in Rogers Park. For $1.99, they will give you one quick exhalation of breath. They're pretty good at it. You'll need to spend the .99 to get your shirt clean.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The parents of a three-year-old were denied by a New Jersey supermarket to put the boy's full name on his birthday cake because his name is what?"

38% said "Ben Ladin"
- Who just happens to be best friends with Al Queda.

23% said "Jesus Satan Johnson"
- You can call him Mike.

9% said "Sadam Hussein Mitchell"
- Such an unfortunate last name.

30% got it right with "Adolph Hitler Campbell"

According to The Associated Press, a supermarket is defending itself for refusing to a write out 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell's name on his birthday cake. Deborah Campbell, 25, of nearby Hunterdon County, N.J., said she phoned in her order last week to the Greenwich ShopRite. When she told the bakery department she wanted her son's name spelled out, she was told to talk to a supervisor, who denied the request.

Karen Meleta, a ShopRite spokeswoman, said the store denied similar requests from the Campbells the last two years, including a request for a swastika.

"We reserve the right not to print anything on the cake that we deem to be inappropriate," Meleta said. "We considered this inappropriate."

The Campbells ultimately got their cake decorated at a Wal-Mart in Pennsylvania, Deborah Campbell said Tuesday.

Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because "no one else in the world would have that name."

The Campbells' two other children are named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, who turns 2 in a few months, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, who will be 1 in April.

I wish I were joking about the names of the other kids. It's where I was going to go to find a joke in this. Yikes! The good news is, kids grow up to rebel against their parents. Little Adolph could be the next Ghandi. But hopefully he won't give his kids names like Mother Teresa or Buddha.

I Believe...

...that the more Bush and Cheney give interviews in with their attempt at a victory lap around the White House, the more likely we're going to see a "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!" moment. They have both already come close, with Cheney admitting to condoning torture. Let's get these guys on The View!

...that celebrities should not be allowed to name their own children.

...that the Secret Service is ready for George to leave and he's not worth risking a life for. They won't even try to block a flying shoe. Or a second one.

...that the art of "chilling" is very important to help one see things clearly. When filled with either angst or anticipation, I remind myself to step back, take a breath, check in with myself on what I really want, and then I step forward and make an ass of myself.

...that I think Al Franken is doing a great job at making sure all votes are counted in Minnesota. If there's one thing we learned in 2000, count all the votes. The guy screaming the loudest to stop the recount is the one most afraid of losing.

...THIS is what I want for Christmas!





See the Snuggie commercial HERE.


My favorite option is wearing Snuggies at sporting events. If you don't get beat up, it's the perfect way to sneak in that poisoned Kool-Aide you're all going to drink at halftime.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"HSBC, a financial services organization, recently did a survey to determine the friendliest country in the world. Who won?"

58% said "Germany"
-Nein!

No one said "USA! USA! USA!" or "Merry Ol' England"

42% got it right with "Oh, Canada"


According to Forbes, the country that once welcomed the tired, poor, huddled masses is now asking for a little reciprocation. And Canada, Germany and Australia are heeding the call. They top a list of the countries most welcoming to expats. The study surveyed 2,155 expats in 48 countries, spanning four continents, between February and April 2008. Respondents rated their country in four categories: ability to befriend locals, number that joined a community group, number that learned the language and percentage that bought property.

China,India and United Arab Emirates scored low overall because cultural differences from the West made integration difficult.

But they beat the crap out of Canada, Germany and Australia when it came to yummy food.

If an American really wants to make friends in a foreign country, wear your Snuggie. It will inspire awe and admiration. The Arabs and the Indians will think you're at least making an effort to try to fit in. And then they will kill you.

Up On The Roof

QUICK WRITING TIP

After you have completed the first draft of your scene, go back through it form the perspective of each character. If you have a six person scene, that means reading through it six times. Look at each moment of the scene from that character's perspective. Where did they just come from? Where are they going to? What's on their mind? What would they do or say or want in that moment?

Not only will this help bring your characters (and scene) to life, it will help eliminate scenes where a characters gets left out to dry with nothing to say or do for a page or two.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A Fort Pierce Florida man came home last week to find a woman on his roof who refused to leave unless he did what?"

62% said "Flashed his porch lights so the UFO could find her"
- No one told her the mother ship doesn't pick up hitch hikers.

No one said "Caught her when she jumped" or "Pretended he was Santa"

38% got it right with "Gave her more beer"

According to TCPalm, when the Binney Drive resident returned from work Wednesday night, he noticed something that could be considered unusual — a 28-year-old woman drinking beer on his roof.

He reportedly told Amber D. Smith, of the 700 block of North Indian River Drive, several times to get down from the roof and leave, but she “objected and refused to do so,” according to a recently released police report.

Police were dispatched about 9:15 p.m. to a “drunk pedestrian on the roof” and arriving officers heard the man twice tell Smith to leave. Smith reportedly said she’d leave if the 37-year-old man gave her more beer, police reported.

Smith faces a disorderly intoxication charge.

And a formal complaint from the local roofing contractors union. Only they are allowed to be on a roof intoxicated.

The Man Who Threw Too Much...

...at the man who knows so little.


This from The Washington Post

BAGHDAD, Dec. 15 -- Arriving here on Sunday for a surprise farewell visit, President Bush staunchly defended a war that has taken far more time, money and lives than anticipated, but he received a taste of local resentment toward his policies when an Iraqi journalist hurled two shoes at him at a news conference.

Bush has gone on record saying he thought this was "hilarious."

Throwing a shoe at someone is considered the worst possible insult in Iraq and is meant to show extreme disrespect and contempt. When U.S. forces helped topple a statue of Iraqi ruler Saddam Hussein after rolling into Baghdad in April 2003, jubilant Iraqis beat the statue's face with their shoes.

Bush was not injured and joked about the incident minutes later: "If you want the facts, it's a size 10 shoe that he threw."

No one in the room filled with Iraqi journalists laughed at the joke. Except Bush.

The journalist, identified as Muntadar al-Zaidi, a reporter with the Cairo-based al-Baghdadia television network, was kidnapped by Shiite militiamen last year and was later released.

After Bush left Iraq, the al-Baghdadia network released a statement demanding Zaidi's release from Iraqi custody "to spare his life." It was unclear Sunday night what charges he might face for throwing the shoes.

"Any step taken against him will be a reminder of the dictatorial time and the violence and lack of freedom that Iraqis faced," the statement said.

CNN reports...

...that Bush compared the shoe-throwing incident with heckling during a political rally and described it as "a way to gain attention"

"Let me talk about the guy throwing his shoe. It's one way to gain attention. It's like going to a political rally and having people yell at you. It's like driving down the street and having people not gesturing with all five fingers.

"It's a way for people to draw attention. I don't know what the guy's cause is. But one thing is for certain. He caused you to ask me a question about it. I didn't feel the least bit threatened by it."

"I don't know what the guy's cause is?"

You invaded his country and liberated roughly a million civilians from their mortal coil and you think he might be from Greenpeace? His cause is expressing pain and anger.

If you watch the video, Bush is smiling while dodging the airborne footwear. I think he's having a "big dog"moment where he's really excited about his ability to adequately duck shoes. He does everything but fetch. Not only is this guy out of touch with the American people, he's out of touch in countries where he considers himself a hero.

Now, I get that to an American, having a shoe thrown at you, while also insulting, isn't that big of deal, unless it's a steel-toed work boot or something Gene Simmons might wear. Or from PayLess. If you're going to try to insult me, have the courtesy to hit me with some fine italian leather. Size 7 (shut up, I have small feet, and, no, it's not true what they say about guys with small feet!).

According to the BBC, in Arab culture it's considered rude even to display the sole of one's shoe to a fellow human being. Certainly, crossing one's legs ankle-on-knee style should never be done in a public place for fear of offending the person next to you. The sensitivity is related to the fact shoes are considered ritually unclean in the Muslim faith.

And Bush thought it was as hilarious as a Three Stooges Marathon.

Other things George W. Bush thinks is hilarious...

- Being urinated on by dogs.

- Being pooped on by birds.

- Having his limo egged.

- Getting kicked in the nuts.

- Being spat on.

- torture

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Darnell L. Frazier tried to lie about his identity to St. Paul, Minnesota police, but forget that he what?"

80% said "Had on his McDonald's uniform and name tag."

- Nope. Think dumber.

No one said "Had on his "Darnell L. Frazier is God" t-shirt." or "Had spent Thanksgiving with the arresting officer."

20% got it right with "Had tattooed his name to his neck."

According to The Star Tribune, an officer stopped two men walking in the street at Forest Street and Minnehaha Avenue. One was "evasive" about his identification, telling the officer he had never had a photo ID. He said his name was Darnell Lewis, spokesman Peter Panos said.

The officer, however, noticed that the man had "Frazier" tattooed on his neck.

Frazier was arrested on four misdemeanor warrants, including driving after license revocation, driving after suspension and no proof of insurance.

He also had at least two felony warrants for his arrest: a probation violation in Jackson County for bringing a stolen vehicle into Minnesota and a failure to appear in Hennepin County on a drug charge.

The 25-year-old St. Paul man is currently residing in the Ramsey County jail getting the name of another prisoner tattooed to his lower backside.

Busy Friday

OJ

My I Believe... post Wednesday about OJ spurred a few unexpected heated comments - on the blog and off the blog. I find it unlikely that he is guilty of double-murder, but don't know for sure. I do know that in a court of law, he was declared innocent. And if our court system is to have any meaning, I contend that the verdict needs to be respected.

There's a very good break down of the case done by the deputy district attorney of Los Angeles. He was not involved in the prosecution of the case, but has some very insightful things to say. And, by the way, he thinks O.J. is guilty. Read it HERE.


BETTIE PAGE



Sigh. Rest in peace. Know that you will live forever in the dreams of young men and old geezers all around the world.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Pencil drawings of a secret weapon Nazis were working on in the final days of WWII are for sale. The weapon was called the what?"

44% said "Good Night"
- Sweet dreams...BOOM!

22% said "Deadly Sausage"
- Just add sauerkraut.

12% said "The Ark of the Covenant"
- We all know how that turned out.

22% got it right with "Silent Dart"

According to The Daily Mail, with deadly accuracy and at speeds of up to 700mph, it could have pinpointed Nazi targets and wreaked havoc on Britain.

At least, that is what German scientists believed as they plotted this weapon of terror.

Hitler became increasingly desperate for a way to thwart his enemies at the end of the Second World War.

And so the Nazis dreamed up the Silent Dart.

The glider would be released from a larger aircraft. Guided by a Luftwaffe pilot inside, the dart would dive towards the ground carrying its 1,000kg bomb.

At the last moment, the pilot would release the bomb and inflate a huge balloon attached to the craft.

As the bomb hit its target, the balloon was supposed to whisk the glider far up above the danger area, so it could travel to safety.

The plans, which have come to light more than 60 years after their creation, may sound implausible - but pencil drawings of the dart found by the Allies in July 1945 show that for the Nazis, it may have seemed a real possibility.




So, essentially, the Nazis ran out of ideas and were working on the equivalent of a bird dropping an explosive poop.

Dressed and Served

THEATRE REVIEW

Don't Dress for Dinner
written by Marc Camoletti
adapted by Robin Hawdon
directed by John Tillinger
featuring Jeffrey Donovan, Patricia Kalember, Mark Harelik, Spencer Kayden, Jamie Morgan and Chris Sullivan
produced by Damian Arnold
presented by The British Stage Company
at The Royal George Theatre Center
Through Jan. 11
1641 N. Halsted St.
Tickets: $49.50-$59.50 at 312-988-9000.

When considering all the theater companies in America, including community theaters and academic institutions, there is a massive trade deficit when it comes to farce. While our amateur stages are littered with French and British sex farces so folks can giggle at seeing their dentist Jerry dressed in drag and running about the stage, we seem unable to send very much across the pond.

Not that we're not capable of it. I think because we have seen so much of it done poorly, we tend to relegate it to sitcoms and focus our stage energy towards, ugh, mounting stories that have already proven themselves on film.

Farce is one of the most difficult forms to write well. It is building a house of cards in a hurricane. One false move, one character not behaving in a way that makes sense, and the whole thing tumbles before the first act is over. The story and the script and be exceptional, but the performances can easily derail the proceedings. Wink and nudge too much and all believability and emotional investment is zapped. Under playing it can also keep the laughs from taking off.

Farce done well is a beautiful thing. Don't Dress for Dinner is a beautiful thing. It's not the perfect blend of play and playmakers, but in the few spots where the plot runs thin or the dialogue tries too hard for jokes, the actors excel and keep it together.

I personally was very excited to see this show for a few reasons. I am a huge fan of Burn Notice and think Jeffrey Donovan is brilliant in that show. It is no surprise that he handles farce as deftly as he handles dodging bullets and chasing bad guys. When he, Mark Harelik and Spencer Kayden take the stage, it's a lesson in verbal and physical acrobatics. Mark Harelik is one of my favorite character actors. GEEK ALERT: He played Devore Inspector Kashyk on one of the better episodes of Star Trek:Voyager and played the Russian ballet obsessed Count Kurushu in the classic Angel episode Waiting in the Wings. You might know him best from one of my favorite satirical films, Election, where he plays Matthew Broderick's friend and fellow teacher who has an affair with student Reese Witherspoon.

And as much work that Harelik, Donovan and Kalember do to keep tightly twisting the rubberband-like plot lines, it's Spencer Kayden who steals the show. The last time I saw Spencer on stage was nearly twenty years ago in the early days of Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind. Spencer seals herself up in the role of the hired french cook who walks away with many extra tips and laughs.

The plot itself starts off very much like any B-level American sitcom. Bernie (Harelik) is trying to rush his departing wife (Kalember) out the door so she doesn't cross paths with his mistress (Morgan). Just before leaving, she discovers that her husband's best friend Robert (Bernie's safety net alibi) is also coming over for the weekend. Unbeknownst to Bernie, his wife and Robert are also having an affair, so she changes her plans to stay.

Although it starts out as a typical imported sex farce, the stakes start to rise quickly and the methodical plot twists start flying. It's head-spinning, but in a good way. My only complaints are a very false note at the very end (post-climax) that I didn't buy happening with Donovan's character and, at times, the fight choreography comes across a bit stilted and calculated.

Nevertheless, good farce is hard to find and I had a great time. Well worth seeing.

THE RETURN OF WHEELCHAIR WEREWOLF!

Wheelchair Werewolf is a movie trailer parody by Joe Avella for which I did the voice-over. At Atom.com, WW is in a showdown. It's a weekly voter-based contest, and the winner gets played on Comedy Central. Voting ends soon, so get on it. Click HERE. Just takes a second to sigh-up to vote. We already contributed a million dollar to Rod Blagojevich to get him to vote for us.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Le Trung from Canada was having trouble finding a girlfriend, so he did what?"

50% said "dug up one"
- Ew.

34% said "advertised on national TV for one"
- Didn't work until he threw in the ShamWow.

No one said "stole one"

16% said "built one"

According to The Sun, computer ace Le, 33, from Ontario, Canada, has spent two years and £14,000 building his dream girl. He had planned to make an android to care for the elderly.But his project strayed off-course. Le said: “Aiko is what happens when science meets beauty.” Robo-wife Aiko starts the day by reading Le the main newspaper headlines. The couple often go for a drive in the countryside, where Aiko proves a whizz at directions. And they always sit down for dinner together in the evening, although Aiko doesn’t have much of an appetite.

Le says his relationship with Aiko hasn’t strayed into the bedroom, but a few “tweaks” could turn her into a sexual partner.

A few tweaks and he'll be able to have sex with Aiko? Okay, time to turn this project over to the Americans. When it comes to sex and technology, we know our stuff. I know I can get those tweaks done with a mellon baller and a can of lube.

You build a hot looking robot slave and this is how you dress her? This guy really needs some sexy robot schooling.