What I Won't Miss

As December comes to an end, it's time to say good-bye to 2008.

There are many things I will NOT miss and are more than happy to leave them behind.

In no particular order, I will not miss...

1) The Bush Administration (I know, still stuck with them for the first 20 days, but at least they are on their way out the door). I will especially not miss Dick "The Dick" Cheney, Condoleeza "Sycophant" Rice, Dana "Paid to Lie" Perino and George "I Give Myself Nicknames" W. Bush.

2) The nasty depths Hilary went to to try to defeat Obama and then the even nastier depths McCain and Palin plumbed. (But I am also very happy their tired tactics didn't work.)

3) Seeing "Made in China" on everything. It is the high fructose corn syrup of manufacturing. Unfortunately, it's not going away any time soon, but I predict it will diminish as the new administration works to fix the economy. US manufacturing will increase and consumers will also seek out more local resources to give their money to.

4) People claiming climate change (Global Warming) doesn't exist. This winter will have wild mood swings of zero degree weather one day and temps in the 50s and 60s the next. The more this happens, the more people clam up about it not existing.

5) People whose 15 minutes of fame are up. Looking at you Joe the Plumber.

6) The SUV as we know it. Time to get small.

7) The possibility of a pre-emptive war with Iran.

8) The Minnesota recount - assuming it will be over before the end of 2009.

9) The lack of common sense when it comes to sex education in schools. Levi's baby's momma, Bristol, should be a living testament to the failure of teaching current trends, such as abstinence.

10) Shoppers brawling and trampling one another.

11) People passing off fake memoirs as the truth. I don't mind you fooling Oprah, I just find it absurd that people feel they need to lie to make their lives more interesting (i.e., marketable).

12) Jennifer Aniston only getting press when she slams Angelina. However, she is more than welcome to continue posing for pictures only wearing a neck tie. Although, I would like to see her move to bow ties.

13) O% interest credit card and loan pitches.

14) End of year lists.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Republican National Committee Chair candidate Chip Saltsman is in hot water for distributing a CD featuring which song parody?"

18% said "Baa-Baa Black President"
- Have you any pull?

16% said "Obama Cracked Corn"
- And I don't care. Crack all the corn you want.

No one went for "John Jacob Jingle Hussein Schmidt"
- Hey, that's my name, too!

66% got it right with "Barack the Magic Negro"

According to The Huffington Post, the Republican National Committee is set to host a historic series of discussions and debates in early January that will likely affect not just the future platform of the party, but the makeup and racial dynamics of its members.

The forums come at a time when the GOP is undergoing an intense bout of political soul-searching, made even more urgent by revelations that a leading RNC chair candidate distributed a racially insensitive CD as a Holiday gift.

Reaction to Chip Saltsman's distribution of a CD including the song "Barack the Magic Negro" has been mixed. James Richardson, a former RNC staffer, called it "political suicide." Current RNC chair Mike Duncan said he was "shocked and appalled." But Ken Blackwell, the African-American former Ohio Attorney General and another candidate for the chairmanship, dismissed criticism as "hypersensitivity in the press."

Do a little searching and you can find the song on-line. Here's the first verse...

Barack the Magic Negro lives in D.C.

The L.A. Times, they called him that

'Cause he's not authentic like me.

Yeah, the guy from the L.A. paper

Said he makes guilty whites feel good

They'll vote for him, and not for me

'Cause he's not from the hood.

Here's what you need to know, it's done from the point-of-view of Al Sharpton who, in the song, is upset that Obama is winning with white voters. As a comic premise, it's not a bad one. I think it would have been stronger with Jesse Jackson, especially in the wake of his comment about wanting to take Obama to the vet's to be fixed. The song also doesn't do much to explore or heighten the issue, mainly because it is saddled with being a strick song parody. And the chorus is the only thing mildly funny about the song and that ain't enough to sustain it.

If a student brought this in to one of my classes, this would be my feedback. Good premise, ditch the parody and write an original song, build a context around it. What just happened that makes Al want to sing about Barack. How does it change him? Does he secretly wish white people liked him better? By the end of the song, does he want to be more like Obama and trade in his sweat suits or does he want to double his efforts to be more Al?

Unless the song was rewritten, I wouldn't consider its inclusion in a show. And I certainly wouldn't distribute it to the Republican National Committee when I want to be their chairperson. Please leave comedy in the hands of professionals.

What I Don't Want in 2009

I don't do New Year resolutions. I suck at them. I think they are a set up for certain failure. By February, when you realize you haven't lost 50 pounds or saved up enough for a vacation or written that novel, the resolutions become a source of angst and guilt. By March, they are filed in the trash can with slim hopes of doing better next year.

I do think that the end of the year is a good time to pause, look back and look ahead. Envisioning what the new year could be is a good idea. It's like a sports team at the end of a quarter connecting with the coach and plotting their next quarter's strategy.

And I suck at that, too.

The only thing I am very clear about for 2009 is what I DON'T want.

Here's the list, so far, in no particular order...

1) My married friends need to stop splitting up. It's getting ridiculous. Those who have already split up, fine, go about your business. The rest of you, suck it up and work it out.

2) People need to stop getting cancer. Whatever you need to do to make sure this happens, please do it. More antioxidants, meditation, stop smoking, eat more broccoli... do it!

3) Stop laying people off. I know, I know, if a company's bleeding, what else can they do? This is a big one without an easy answer. There's a lot to be said about anticipating. The disastrous turn of the economy wasn't a surprise. Even I could see it coming from a mile away and I'm an idiot when it comes to money. Our country has a financial culture based on being in debt and hoping for the best. That needs to change on a personal level and on a corporate level. Let's make Chris Parnell Secretary of the Treasury.




4) People really need to stop giving their money to the International Star Registry. For fifty bucks minimum, they'll name a star and give you a certificate and a letter congratulating you on giving them fifty bucks. Here's the thing... THEY DON'T OWN THE STARS. They are not theirs to name. NASA isn't updating their charts based on additions to the International Star Registry. The Hubble telescope isn't in deep space snapping pictures of the Phil Jablonski. Kirk isn't going to tell Sulu to make a left at the Marjorie Hummelsburg. The Bible won't be re-written to show the three wise men followed the Dennis Mitchell.

5) I don't want Britney Spears to have another comeback. She's done. Go away, now.

6) I don't want my breath to smell like my dad's. Love my dad, but I remember sometimes as a kid he would playfully get in my face and his breath would smell like polished antique furniture. This is why I almost always in arm's reach of a mint.

7) I don't want people getting sick or dying in this country because of inadequate health care. This is where the US really needs to get on the ball and become more compassionate than capitalist.

If I were to sum up what I do want for 2009, Kurt Vonnegut said it best.

"Be nice to each other. We’re all trying the best we can."

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Last week, I asked...

"What does Joe really want for Christmas?"

50% said "A new TV"
- It's on the list, but not as high as the correct answer. I have a TV, but the sockets in the back are messed up and I'm unable to hook up a DVD player or Playstation. Inconvenient, but not a big loss.

12% said "A new girlfriend"
- Not opposed, but really feels the correct answer is more urgent and will be helpful in the acquisition of a new girlfriend.

No one thought I might like "Peace on earth"

38% got it right with "A new couch"

According to a press release from BS International Headquarters, Joe desperately needs a new couch. In fact, he simply needs a couch. Right now, the "designated couch area" is occupied by a ratan chair and an ottoman. Mr. Janes seeks the perfect couch. It has to be small enough to fit through his skinny apartment door, yet be large enough for naps and sleeping vagabonds. It should also be large enough for two people to cuddle comfortably without crushing one another or limbs becoming numb. It should definitely not be leather or faux leather or so plush that cat hair becomes embedded in it.

Janes has been looking on-line, but has an aversion to buying furniture for his body based on pictures. The search continues.

Merry Christmas or Whatever

Regardless of what you celebrate or if you celebrate - My Christmas Day celebration will consist of visiting my mother, eating at a Chinese buffet in Sandusky, Ohio and seeing Quantum of Solace (we re-watched Casino Royale last night to prepare) - hope this time of year finds you in touch with the people and things that you love the most in life.


Like guns!




See that cold, steely look in my eye? The set jaw? The stain on the floor? That's me shooting a magnum at the Oak Harbor Conservation Club. Not sure what they are out to conserve given that the building and outdoors seems primarily devoted to putting bullet-sized holes in things.





Not bad. I hit the paper less than 10% of the time. Take that, bad guys. Don't mess with me or I will blow a small portion of you away.

Yeah. Don't look for me hanging out at the local gun swaps anytime soon.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Uriel Oliva of Los Angeles was arrested in Orange County after a photo was discovered of him doing what?"

No one said "flashing his bling-bling at cops," "flashing his private parts at nuns," or "flashing his camera at celebrities"

100% got it right with "flashing gang signs on Santa"

(Unfortunately, I was having problems with blogger and what git cut off from the end of the right answer is "-'s lap." Make more sense now?)

According to KTLA News, an alleged gang member has landed himself in jail for flashing gang signs in a photo he took while sitting on Santa's lap.

Uriel Oliva, 18, was arrested early last week after a visit with Santa at the Village Mall in Orange.

Police say that Oliva was under a court order not to associate with members of his street gang, engage in gang activity or hang out at the Village Mall when the photo was taken Dec. 16.

The picture included Oliva and two other members of the Orange County Criminals gang. Oliva's probation officer apparently spotted the photo on a keychain during a probation check.

He has been sentenced to a lump of coal in his stocking.

Do Bullets Make Good Stocking Stuffers?

(Skipping the "I Believes" for today. Might hit them tomorrow for Christmas.)



This is Liberty. My brother Bob's newest dog. He also has a greyhound named Rush. Don has a mutt dog named Cheyenne who is a sweetie and slowing down a bit in her old age. All three are females and the only source of feminine energy in this household. My younger brother treats his girls very well and I think the care has lead to him drinking a little less and losing weight.

My soon-to-be 50 older brother decorates his room like he's trying to recapture lost dorm room days.



Nothing says "Welcome, ladies" like a beach babe laying prone in the sand for a seaside pelvic exam.

He also recently bought a gun.

Ever since reading The Road, my brother is convinced that in the next few years we'll all be pushing shopping carts and expanding our definition of food to include one another. I'm a little more optimistic and will never own a gun. We're going to a shooting range later today where I will get to shoot a gun for the first time. I'm actually looking forward to it. I feel like I should know a little something about guns so I can be more informed about adamantly not having one.


NEED A LAUGH?

One of my favorite sites to go to for a chuckle continues to be The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks.

This one cracked me up.



So, it "is" a Chinese restaurant?

Reminds me of a modern day Magritte.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Istanbul-based Baydan Shoes says they have had an increased demand for Model 271, otherwise known as the what?"

72% said "The Bush Whacker"
- Nope. That's what it would have been called had they included me in their product focus group.

18% said "The Good-Bye Kiss"
- A sole kiss? Be sure to use plenty of tongue.

No one said "The Flogger"

10% got it right with "The Bush Shoe"

According to BBC News, Istanbul-based Baydan Shoes claims it made the shoes and says it now has tens of thousands of orders from around the world - including from the US and Iraq.

The shoe was called Model 271 but has been renamed Bush shoe, the firm said.

However, the brother of shoe-throwing journalist Muntader al-Zaidi says he believes the shoes were Iraqi-made.

Durgham al-Zaidi criticised people he said were trying to exploit his brother's actions for commercial gain.

Whereas I applaud them for learning well from America. We'll turn that region into an American colony yet!

Ohio Unbound

Made it.

Interesting holiday time in Ohio this year...

My younger brother Bob doesn't want anything for Christmas. If you do anything for him, make a donation to The North Coast Greyhound Connection. Admirable. I haven't done that, yet, but did buy two flying chickens (chewy, fetchy dog toys - no actual chickens were harmed) for his dogs Rush and Liberty to play with.

My older brother Don continues to get healthier. I am writing this at his computer and am sitting on a huge yoga ball. He has ditched his office chair and replaced it with a yoga ball. I guess it's better for your back, but I am in fear of rolling off and bouncing my head off his treadmill at any moment.

I bought three ugly Christmas sweaters, as my brothers had requested, for a family picture on Thursday. They were unable to find any in Ohio. It's not that they don't make or sell them here. Oh, they do. They were looking in the wrong place. Men, if you want an ugly Christmas sweater, you won't find it in the Mens' section of a department store. You'll only find goofy holiday ties and boxer shorts there. Only women are brave enough to openly display these wool-poly blend monsters of textile art. The three sweaters I bought were from the Plus Size Womens' Section of a K-Mart. I had to convince my brothers that it was okay to wear a woman's sweater, especially since the goal was to look ridiculous. They conceded, but suggested we keep the tags on so I can return them.

Today, I eat porridge (my brother made porridge and it is good), post my grades for my Columbia students, do some exploring around the iced-over town, meet my brother to go pick up raw milk from a farm in Maumee and then take some over to my cousin Nate.

I'm glad I was able to come in to town early to be able to do these things. It's good to come back to where you came from to get in touch with your roots and affirm why you got the hell out of here in the first place.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"For the first time ever at Christmas, the same song, different cover versions of an older song, holds the number one and two spot on the British music charts. The original song is what?"

66% said "John Lennon's "Happy Christmas - War is Over""
- Happy Christmas! No one did a cover of this classic and had a hit with it.

9% said "Randy Brooks' "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer""
- This American classic remains unsullied by a British invasion.

No one thought it was "David Seville's "Christmas Don't Be Late"
- Probably would have received a few votes of I had mention is was David Seville AND THE CHIPMUNKS. But it would still be as wrong as when it came out in 1958.

25 % got it right with "Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah""

According to Cape Argus News, Leonard Cohen's song Hallelujah has made British chart history, becoming both number one and number two in the Christmas singles charts - although both versions are covers.

Alexandra Burke took the top slot with her version after winning the TV talent show X Factor this month, and fans of US musician Jeff Buckley got his classic version to number two through downloads.

Sony/BMG would really prefer I not embed the Jeff Buckley music video of "Hallelujah" but you can find it HERE.

Same for Alexandra Burke's belted out American Idolized version of the same song. You can find it HERE.

The first one by Buckley is more heartfelt and sincere. Burke's version, however, is the thick slab of cheese I demand from my pop star Christmas carols. His is better, but she wins. Life is unfair. Merry Christmas. Enjoy the porridge.

Ohio Bound

The advantage to not being in a relationship around the holidays is that I only have to fit in one family. The last two years have been "surgical strikes" - see her parents in Indiana Christmas eve, see mine Christmas day, drive home the day after Christmas. This year, I'm leaving for Ohio this afternoon and coming back on Saturday. I'm looking forward to spending more time relaxing into the week, hanging out with my brothers, eating good food, seeing some high school friends and extended family.

Being gone for so long meant...cat sitter. I considered bringing the critters with me, but they hate riding in the car and it's a six hour drive (possibly more as I will be stopping at truck stops along the way looking for gaudy Christmas sweaters. I'll tell you about that later.) Plus, my brother Bob has two retired greyhounds he adopted and I wouldn't want them to confuse the cats for mechanical racetrack rabbits. Houdini and Oona are okay on their own at home for two-three days, past that, they start ordering pizzas on-line and running up their credit cards. My friend Cate has graciously volunteered to be their buddy while I'm gone. That means she's entitled to gingerbread cookies and that really great chocolate nutty ball candy thing I can't pronounce that's like eating an angel's testicles.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"A pediatric neurosurgeon says a tumor he removed from the brain of a Colorado Springs infant contained a what?"

50% said "image of the Virgin Mary"
- Sorry. It was Elvis. So close!

8% said "part of a condom"
- There's a fine line between "most effective" and "100% effective" and that fine line is really an umbilical cord.

No one said "small stone"

42% got it right with "foot"

According to The Huffington Post, a pediatric neurosurgeon says a tumor he removed from the brain of a Colorado Springs infant contained a tiny foot and other partially formed body parts.

Dr. Paul Grabb said he operated on Sam Esquibel at Memorial Hospital for Children after an MRI showed a tumor on the newborn's brain. Sam was 3 days old and otherwise healthy.

Grabb said that while removing the growth, he discovered it contained a nearly perfect foot and the formation of another foot, a hand and a thigh.

The growth may have been a case of "fetus in fetu" _ in which a fetal twin begins to form within another _ but such cases very rarely occur in the brain, Grabb said.

The baby's doing fine, by the way. Meanwhile, Stephen King wannabees everywhere, start your novels!

Don't get too creeped out by this photo. It's not the actual picture, just a stock baby foot photo. The rest of the baby is on the other side of those hands. Must be an ugly baby since they're only willing to show the bottom of the left foot.

And that's from a vegetarian.

BEST CHRISTMAS PAGEANT EVER

This is a snippet from a school play called Santa Goes Green performed somewhere in Texas.



According to the Lone Star Times, a letter is circulating among conservative parents expressing outrage.

Here's a portion of the letter describing the show, with my comments in parentheses...

"The program Santa Goes Green began with a lively number Merry, Merry Christmas. The children’s chorus sang Christmas wishes to the audience as Santa and Mrs. Claus appeared on stage. The show went downhill from there; Mrs. Claus informed Santa how terribly wasteful many traditions are, including how even Rudolf changed his nose to an LED light, all the while forgetting that the original was lit by an inner light of love that did not use power at all. (I actually don't remember his nose being powered by the inner light of love at all. It goes off at embarrassing moments. As a kid, I equated this with getting boners in class or on the school bus. And Rudolph being a mutant.)

The soloists, during The Greenhouse Effect, preformed admirably. The argument that cutting down trees would make the North Pole as hot as Mexico was laughable. When lumber companies “Clear Cut” they also replant, which is why trees are considered a renewable resource. (Yah, global warming naivete aside, this jerk clearly hasn't looked at any topographical pictures of the Amazon rain forest. Even if what they say is true, replacing a 100-year-old tree with a sapling ain't a fair swap.)

Next, Santa was encouraged to use an “Electric Sleigh” for his Christmas Eve Deliveries in the tune called Turn Off the Pump(and Plug in the Sleigh). If the writer of this piece of political propaganda had thought it through, they would realize that Santa already uses the most ecological source of power; hay burning reindeer whose “exhaust” can be used as compost. (This is true, but a very exploitative and abusive use of animals. Santa's route is flying Iditarod. He probably loses a few reindeer to exhaustion along the way and brings the carcasses home to feed the elves on December 26th for a Christmas bonus. Not to mention all the ozone-depleting methane he's producing. )"

Now, I get the parents being pissed about a school kid's Christmas show having a political message, regardless of the message. But I love that they did this. I wish we had done this when I was in elementary school. Of course, back then, "being green" was called "ecology" and only hippies knew what it meant. A more prominent political issue was the Vietnam War. I would love for us to have done an Apocoplypse Now meets Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer show. A Marlon Brando-esque Santa is taken down by Herbie the aspiring dentist elf. "The horror, the ho-ho-ho-horror..."

The letter ends with...

"I fled the auditorium as soon as possible. I was angry and offended. I would have left in the middle of the show, except I was sitting in the middle of the row and I did not want to hurt my grand-daughter’s feelings by walking out in the middle of her big night. The premise of the show was awful. It drained the joy of Christmas from my very soul."

It drained the joy of Christmas from your very soul? I have news for you. If the joy of Christmas can be so easily tapped and syphoned out of your soul tank, you ain't got any. Make sure you stuff Bill O'Reilly's latest book into your granddaughter's stocking.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Responding to complaints about noise, Berlin, Germany police found a 60-year-old man sharing his two-room flat with what?"

54% said "1 horse"
- Keeping a horse in an apartment? That's not very stable. (Thank you, goodnight, tip your waitress!)

9% said "Anne Frank's relatives"
- As long as they keep coughing up dough for rent, I see no need to tell them WW2 is over.

No one said "50 cats"

36% got it right with "1,700 birds"

According to the AFP, Berlin city officials, summoned by complaints over the noise, found a 60-year-old man sharing his two-room flat with 1,700 budgerigars.

The budgies were living on perches installed along the walls, while the floors were saturated with droppings, veterinary services said here Wednesday.

The pensioner told officials he had adopted two birds because he felt lonely and that nature had done the rest.

About 1,000 of the birds were evacuated on Tuesday, 300 on Wednesday, while the remainder were to be taken from the flat to a rescue shelter over the next few days, officials said.

The tenant was also having to move as the flat was deemed no longer fit for human habitation.

He started with two birds and ended up with 1,700 because they were getting it on? This must have been a constant 24/7 bird orgy. What was he doing the whole time? Serving cocktails? Videotaping for the bird porn fetishists? I think if your birds start to over run the place and you have to walk through a layer of bird poop whenever you walk across the room, time to start frying up some budgie omelets to reduce the surplus population. And that's from a vegetarian!