Week Six, Day Thirty-Six - "Zombie Space Aliens"

“Zombie Space Aliens”
Written by Joe Janes
2/23/09
36 of 365

CAST:
Sergei, 30s
Glenn, 20s
Topol, 50s
Midge, 50s

(Lights up on the International Space Station. Glenn and Sergei are “floating” downstage working on some control panels. In the background, Midge and Topol work on a hydroponics project.)

SERGEI

Glenn. Nice to have a new face on the space station.

GLENN

Thanks, Sergei. It’s a dream come true for me. I don’t care how many books you read or how many TV shows or movies you see, nothing captures the experience of actually being blasted into space and then, well, being here. The beauty out there. So, clear and it goes on forever. It’s awe-inspiring.

SERGEI

Yeah, that gets old fast. So, what did you bring?

GLENN

What did I bring? The usual stuff, I guess.

SERGEI

No bullshitting. We’re up here together for a year. If you brought something you weren’t supposed to, tell me. Or I’ll find out later when I go through your things.

GLENN

Hey, what are you saying? You’re not allowed to go through my personal things.

SERGEI

There are a lot of things I’m not allowed to do. Doesn’t stop me from doing them. There are only four of us up here. You want to call mission control and have them send your mommy to come pick you up?

GLENN

I’m just saying that in the interest of peaceful international relations, we’re not getting off to a good start.

SERGEI

Okay, Glenn. But if you’re really interested in peaceful relations, you’ll tell me what you brought.

GLENN

I told you what I brought.

SERGEI

Glenn, it’s okay. Everybody brings something they’re not supposed to. Everybody.

GLENN

Everybody?

SERGEI

Topol, back there. Brought a stack of pornography magazines. Didn’t you, Topol?

(Topol waves)

SERGEI (continuing)

God bless him.

GLENN

Does he share?

SERGEI

Unfortunately, yes. He’s in to fatties with bad skin and hair. But, you know…in a pinch…

GLENN

Did Midge bring porn?

SERGEI

Midge brought pot.

GLENN

She brought marijuana.

SERGEI

Seeds, too. Check out hydroponics specimen 420.

GLENN

This is sensitive equipment. You can’t smoke in here.

SERGEI

We don’t. We step outside. Remember that astronaut that lost a tool bag on a space walk?

GLENN

Yeah.

(Sergei mimes hitting on a joint.)

GLENN

But, you’d have to smoke inside your space suit helmet.

SERGEI

Best high in your life.

GLENN

What did you bring, Sergei? Vodka?

SERGEI (angry)

That’s a pretty racist comment, American… Just kidding! You want some?

(He sips on a straw coming out of the shoulder of his work suit.)

GLENN

Sure, why not. (He takes a small sip.) Wow –

SERGEI

Makes the paste-food we eat a lot more palatable.

GLENN

You guys sure know how to party. Sorry I was so cagey about “bringing stuff.” When you said, “everybody does it” I didn’t think you meant everybody.

SERGEI

I knew you brought something.

GLENN

I did. A gun.

(He pulls a small handgun out of his pocket)

SERGEI

A gun?

MIDGE

He has a gun!!!

TOPOL

Everybody get down!

(The three continue hovering and cover their heads with their arms.)

GLENN

No, no, no, no. It’s okay. I have the safety on.

SERGEI

A gun! You bring a fucking gun onto a space station?

MIDGE

What the hell were you thinking, Glenn?

GLENN

Hey, you brought pot.

TOPOL

If you can’t smoke it, eat it or tug to it, it’s worthless.

SERGEI

And dangerous. You accidentally shoot through the hull and we’ll all get sucked out of a hole the size of my belly button. And my belly button is petite.

GLENN

I thought it might come in handy.

MIDGE

Handy how?

TOPOL

Does my pornography threaten you?

GLENN

A little. But I would never use my gun for that. Look, it’s space. The final frontier. We don’t know what’s out here. We’re just sitting ducks waiting for some zombie space aliens to come along and eat our brains.

SERGEI

Zombie space aliens. You’ve seen too many movies.

MIDGE

Bad movies.

TOPOL

Good thing you’re here to protect us. I don’t want a zombie space alien eating my porn.

MIDGE

I think one already ate Glenn’s brain.

GLENN

All right. All right. It was dumb. You’ll never see this thing, again. (He puts it in his pocket.) Sorry I didn’t bring any good contraband to share.

(He goes back to work. The others do not.)

SERGEI

It’s okay, American. We’re glad you are here.

GLENN

Thanks. Why are you all staring at me?

(They all three grab him and start eating him. Lights fade.)

Week Five, Day Thirty-Five - "LOUD SUNSHINE"

“LOUD SUNSHINE”
Written by Joe Janes
2/22/09
35 of 365

CAST:
Old Man
Young Man
Beautiful Woman
Old-Timey Swimmer

(Lights up on a lone man sitting on a chair center stage. He is an older man, slightly unkempt. He wears dark glasses. Stage right, there are two more chairs. Stage left is a single chair. A very well dressed young man enters SR with a briefcase. Soft violin music begins to play offstage. He sits and sets the case next to him. He opens it. Inside the case is standard fare for a packed lunch and a small thermos of milk. It is lunchtime. The young man opens a bag of chips. He then unwraps a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He opens the sandwich and carefully places chips on it. He smashes the sandwich and begins to nibble on it.)

OLD MAN

How many minutes in yellow?

OLD MAN

How many minutes in yellow?

YOUNG MAN

I don’t understand what you’re asking.

OLD MAN

I was told the sun is yellow.

YOUNG MAN

I guess. You could say it’s orange, too.

OLD MAN

In that case, how many oranges does it take to make yellow?

YOUNG MAN

Well, if you’re talking about the sun, the sun is huge. It would take at least 48 oranges.

OLD MAN

And how many carrots?

YOUNG MAN

Add five.

OLD MAN

I smelled green, today.

YOUNG MAN

What does green smell like?

OLD MAN

Like grass. I heard someone mowing a lawn and I smelled green.

YOUNG MAN

Green can also smell like limes.

OLD MAN

I can feel green, too.

(The young man opens his thermos and pours small curd cottage cheese into the cup.)

YOUNG MAN

Me, too.

(A beautiful woman enters and sits down SL. She is dressed as though she’s about to go to a fancy charity ball. She wears an iPod. She begins to knit. Her yarn is blood red. Both the old man and the young man turn and look at her and then return to looking out.)

OLD MAN

How long is black?

YOUNG MAN

Black as night? About ten hours.

OLD MAN

I mean height.

YOUNG MAN

Oh, very tall. About 5’ 8”.

(The young man begins to eat a very large dill pickle. Unsliced. A man dressed in 1920’s swimwear with a bathing cap, goggles and the number 44 painted on his back enters and walks into the house. He slowly swims laps through the rows of the audience.)

OLD MAN

What about the color purple?

YOUNG MAN (snootily)

What about it?

OLD MAN

I have no idea what it is. Is it like jazz?

YOUNG MAN

No. It’s certainly not jazz.

OLD MAN

Is it fuzzy?

YOUNG MAN

No.

OLD MAN

Is it like dew on bare feet?

YOUNG MAN

Positively no.

OLD MAN

Then what is it?

YOUNG MAN

I’m not sure what it is. Only what it isn’t. I’m quite certain it’s not wet fuzzy jazz on bare feet.

OLD MAN

What kind of sound does purple make?

(The young man makes three urgent bleating sounds. The beautiful woman sets down her knitting. Takes off her iPod. Looks at the two men. They look at her. Disgusted, she leaves. The young man has finished his lunch. He closes his briefcase and stands. He looks at the sun.)

YOUNG MAN

It’s more golden than orange or yellow.

OLD MAN

What color is golden?

YOUNG MAN

Yellow.

(He exits. The Old Man rises. As he exits, he sneezes, blows his nose, and looks at his handkerchief.)

OLD MAN

Golden.

(He exits. The swimmer makes gurgling sounds and drowns. Blackout.)

Week Five, Day Thirty-Four - "Once Upon A Time in the Church Basement "

“Once Upon A Time in the Church Basement”
Written by Joe Janes
2/21/09
34 of 365

CAST:
Edna, 70s
Doris, 70s
Mart, 70s

(Lights up on a prim and proper Edna counting money from a cash box. Her hair is held up with chopsticks. Doris is packing boxes while Mart is folding chairs and stacking them. Mart is keeping an eye on Edna.)

DORIS

I am so glad that my handmade knitted wool potholders were the first thing to sell at this year’s rummage sale. The whole set. I put so much time into them.

MART

Don’t they sell every year?

DORIS

I bring them every year. This was the first year I sold any. But, who knows? Maybe it will be the start of something.

MART

You might want to try something different next year.

DORIS

If it works, don’t fix it.

MART

Wool may not be the best choice for a potholder. (Doris clearly doesn’t get it) If you had to pick up a hot pot off your stove and you happened to be out of potholders and you reached into your closet, would you grab a wool sweater or heavy cotton sweatshirt?

DORIS

I’d use my potholders. Which have pigs on them.

MART

Of course.

(Edna finishes counting and looks concerned. She quickly recounts and checks it against a clipboard.)

EDNA

Mart. Count this.

MART (taking money)

Something wrong?

EDNA

Probably just my tired eyes.

(Mart counts)

DORIS

If my potholders didn’t sell, I was going to just give them to St. Jehoshaphat’s. They’re doing their rummage sale next week. Maybe they could sell them. I’m glad I didn’t have to do that. They’re Catholic. Not that that’s a big deal, but they’re just too Catholic for me. Who goes to church on a Wednesday night? Sunday morning’s all you need.

MART

187.

DORIS

That’s good, right? Sounds better than last year.

EDNA

Should be 202. We’re fifteen dollars short.

DORIS

Oh, my heavens.

EDNA

I checked the dollars against the sales sheet. Fifteen dollars is missing.

MART (looking at clip board)

Maybe the sales sheet is wrong. Maybe something got checked off that shouldn’t have.

EDNA

I have been running the St. Bart Rummage Sale for fifteen years in a row.

DORIS

Except for that one year.

EDNA

Except for that one year.

DORIS

When you had your eyes worked on.

EDNA

They needed it. The doctor recommended it.

MART

Carrying a lot of baggage, were you?

EDNA

The point being, in all my years in charge of the rummage sale, the books have always balanced to a penny. To a penny.

MART

Well, I don’t know what to tell you. It’ll probably turn up. (She puts on her coat) I have to go home and put dinner on for Ned. If I don’t, he’ll eat all the ribbon candy and then fuss with his dentures all night.

(Edna blocks her from exiting)

EDNA

You’re not leaving. No one is leaving. Not until find the culprit.

MART

The culprit?

EDNA

Fifteen dollars doesn’t just get up on its own and do a jig out the door.

(Mart sighs.)

MART

Okay. Fifteen minutes and then I’m out of here.

DORIS

She said fifteen.

EDNA

Interesting number of minutes you happened to pick, Mart. Is that number on your mind? Are you feeling guilty about anything?

MART

Yeah, it’s on my mind because we keep talking about it and it sounded like a decent number of minutes. But if it makes you feel better, okay, 12 and a half minutes and I’m out the door. Do you want my help or not?

EDNA

Sure. Help away.

MART

Well, did you do anything different this year from all the other years?

EDNA

The only thing different this year is that Althea Kuzman got a gopher-sized goiter and passed away and you replaced her.

DORIS

Poor Althea. Poor goiter.

MART

Edna, do you really want to accuse me of stealing money? Fifteen dollars? From a church rummage sale?

EDNA

I’m just saying you are the only thing different this year. You said all the rest. Hadn’t really considered it, but now I certainly am.

DORIS

I saw you put money in your purse!

MART

You did not!

DORIS

Yes. I did. When you were talking to Rod Libben about the rooster toaster cozy, you took money from him and out it in your purse.

MART

I was making him change. The cash box was all $20s. He gave me a twenty and I gave him a ten and two fives back. If I hadn’t, we’d have lost the sale.

EDNA

Good answer, Mart. Too good. Sounds like you may have committed the perfect crime.

MART

I volunteered because you needed help, Edna. And you’re repaying me by treating me like a criminal.

EDNA

Oh, I forgot to mention one thing that is definitely different this year, There’s a new policy. To help thwart thievery. No one leaves without me checking their purse.

(Edna grabs at Mart’s purse. They have a low-key no-win tug of war.)

MART

You will do no such thing.

DORIS

Sounds like something a guilty person would say. You can check my purse, Edna.

EDNA

One purse at a time, Doris. I’m interested in finding out what Mart here has to hide.

MART

You want to check, fine.

(She lets go and Edna stumbles back a bit. She starts going through the purse.)

EDNA

Used Kleenex…Several balls of wadded up used Kleenex…several loose cough drops…A wallet!...with a twenty dollar bill in it…

MART

Satisfied?

DORIS

If I were a crook, the last place I would hide the money is in my purse. That’s the first place anyone would look.

EDNA

Sometimes, Doris, you say the most brilliant things.

DORIS

I do?

EDNA

You do. Mart…strip.

MART

I have had enough of this. (Mart grabs back the purse; Edna retains her hold on it.)

EDNA

If the money’s not in the cashbox and not in your purse, then where is it?

MART

How should I know?

DORIS

She has an accomplice.

MART

You watch way too much TV, Doris.

DORIS

I only watch Cops!

(She also grabs the purse)

EDNA

What do you mean she had an accomplice?

DORIS

Rod Libben! I saw them giving each other the googlie eyes. There was something going on there. Bet Ned would be interested to know. He’s probably down at the Piggly-Wiggly throwing that fifteen dollars around like a drunk sailor on shore leave…in a grocery store. Buying meat. Good meat. Not “on sale” meat. For shame, Mart. For shame!

MART

Let go of my purse!

DORIS

Citizen’s arrest!

(Doris jumps on Mart and all three get tangled up and end up on the floor. They all three jump back up as quickly as they can brandishing weapons. Edna holds her chopsticks like a dagger, Mart has her purse, holding the straps like she might strangle someone, and Doris makes karate chop hands and says “Hi-Ya!” She realizes her hand are ineffective against their weapons. She looks around for something else and pulls off one of her shoes and says “Hi-Ya!” As Doris holds out the shoe, fifteen dollars falls out. )

MART

The money.

EDNA

Doris, how could you?

DORIS

What? That? That’s for emergencies.

EDNA (picks it up)

Exactly fifteen dollars. For emergencies?

DORIS

Very small emergencies?

MART

You were setting me up, Doris?

DORIS

I’m sorry, Mart. I was just trying to keep the heat off of me. Go ahead. Make a citizen’s arrest. (She goes down to her knees and puts her hands behind her head.) I’ll go quietly.

EDNA (going down to Doris)

Why, Doris? Why did you do it? If you needed fifteen dollars, I would have probably given it to you.

DORIS

I just wanted to finally sell my potholders. Every year I bring them, I even make new ones, every year, they just go back home and I end up using them coasters and little towels.

EDNA

Your potholders sold this year. It’s checked off the sales sheet.

DORIS

Nobody bought them. I bought them. I checked them off. (She pulls them out of her bra). If I was just going to end up taking them home with me, at least I could do it knowing you all thought they sold. Nobody wants wool potholders with smiling pigs on them.

EDNA (looking)

Oh, those are pigs.

MART

I thought it was Charles Durning.

EDNA

But why steal the fifteen dollars?

DORIS

I was going to give them to St. Jehoshaphat’s for their rummage sale next week and if they didn’t sell, I needed the money to buy them back.

MART

Too bad for St. Jehoshaphat’s.

EDNA

You’re not going to be able to give them the potholders.

DORIS

You mean, because they’re evidence?

MART

No, because I want to buy one.

EDNA

Me, too. I think Charles Durning is sexy.

MART

I can use them to set my candy dishes on. Ned’s ribbon candy denture drool tends to leave a ring.

DORIS

You’re both very sweet.

EDNA (helping her up)

Just trying to be a Good Samaritan. I’m sorry I got rough with you, Mart.

MART

I didn’t appreciate the accusations, but you found the fifteen dollars.

DORIS

Edna always gets her man.

(Doris hands them the potholders. Edna puts the fifteen dollars back in the cash box and adds five bucks. Mart puts in her twenty and Edna hands her change.)

DORIS (continuing)

I’m sorry I caused so much trouble. Good night. And God bless you. Both of you.

(She exits. Edna and Mart put on their jackets.)

MART

You were right. Something was fishy when her potholders sold.

(Edna hands her a black ski mask. They both put masks on.)

EDNA

Let’s go teach that bitch a lesson.

(They pound their fists and exit. Blackout.)

Week Five, Day Thirty-Three - "Seuss Club"

“Seuss Club”
Written by Joe Janes
2/20/09
33 of 365

CAST:
Ed Norton
Brad Pitt
Helena Bonham Carter

(Lights up on Ed Norton wearing a disheveled suit and tie. He sits in a chair center stage and has a black eye. Stage left is a flamboyantly dressed Brad Pitt and a punky looking Helena Bonham Carter making out. Ed Norton holds a handgun. On the end of the gun is a small pink puff.)

ED NORTON

The first rule of Seuss Club is - you do not talk about Whoville. The second rule of Seuss Club is - you DO NOT talk about Whoville.

(He sticks the puffy pink end of the gun in his mouth. Lights fade. If there is a video screen, the following graphic should appear, very simply, white lettering on black background, “Ed Norton Hears a Who” then underneath “coming this summer”. If there is no video screen, revealing a title card is fine. This should be silent. THERE SHOULD BE NO VOICE-OVER.)

Week Five, Day Thirty-Two - "Mercury Poisoning"

“Mercury Poisoning”
Written by Joe Janes
2/19/09
32 of 365

CAST:
KRISTI, early 20s
JESSICA, early 20s
DR. PHYLLIS CUNNINGHAM, 40s

(Lights up on two female college theater majors seated on a bench.)

KRISTI

I can’t believe our acting teacher had the nerve to tell me he didn’t believe us in our scene.

JESSICA

I know! Like he has any idea what it’s like to be two forty-five year old widowed Irish housewives with kids looking for love.

KRISTI

I know! Not like his loins have been open for business in, oh, two decades.

(Dr. Phyllis Cunningham enters in lab coat with clipboard.)

DR. PHYLLIS

Kristi, I’ve been all through your tests. I can’t find anything wrong with you. To be honest, I’m having a hard time believing anything is wrong with you.

KRISTI

You, too? Screw it! I’m going to Devry.

(She exits. Blackout)

THE DEVOLUTION OF ZED

The Final Hour

Joe Janes, P.I.

The Chaplin (All right, The Hitler! Dude ruined it for everyone.)

Zed Is Dead, Baby. Zed Is Dead.

Zed died a slow and taunting death. He was followed quickly by his sideburn brothers, Daryl and Daryl. Mourners are asked not to send flowers, but to contribute in Zed's name to 826-Chi. Sponsorships of Zed, albeit just in memory, will be accepted through Tuesday and can be done by clicking HERE.


Shout out to Mary Lorenz and Bob Wilson for supporting me and the Zed. And to Jenny and Jeannie for making an appearance at The Globe for the final night of Moustache-A-Thon.

Week Five, Day Thirty-One - "Bad News"

“Bad News”
Written by Joe Janes
2/18/09
31 of 365

CAST:
KYLE, 30s
CLAIRE, 30s
RANDY, 40s
STEFFEN, 30s

(Lights up on Kyle seated working at his desk. Next to him is Claire, also seated at her desk, working at her computer.)

CLAIRE (sadly and to herself)

Oh, no.

KYLE

Thinking about Steffen?

CLAIRE

What? No. Just got e-mailed some really bad news.

KYLE

Sorry to hear that.

(They continue working. She shakes her head and sighs.)

KYLE (continuing)

You want to talk about it?

CLAIRE

It’s nothing, Kyle.

KYLE

Sure seems like something… Claire, we’re desk buddies. If something’s upsetting you, it’s upsetting me.

CLAIRE

That’s sweet, Kyle. Well, it’s just… I really can’t believe it. You know Maxine’s across the street?

KYLE

The hot dog place?

CLAIRE (on the edge of tears)

They closed.

KYLE

That’s the bad news? Did you know Maxine?

CLAIRE

She’s dead.

KYLE

Oh, I’m so sorry.

CLAIRE

She died like fifty years ago.

KYLE

And you just now found out?

CLAIRE

Kyle. No. I’m upset because Maxine’s had kosher hot dogs. The only kosher hot dogs in walking distance of work. Now, if I want a kosher hot dog for lunch, I’ll have to drive somewhere. I – I just don’t know what I’m going to do.

KYLE

Well, be strong.

CLAIRE

Thanks.

(They go back to work. A despondent looking Randy enters. He goes to his desk and starts packing up his briefcase.)

KYLE

Hey, Randy.

RANDY

Hey.

KYLE

You okay, Big Guy?

RANDY

No. I’m not. Just got some bad news, is all.

CLAIRE

You found out about Maxine’s?

RANDY (in pain)

I wish that were the bad news, because this is much worse.

KYLE

You didn’t get let go, did you?

RANDY

I can’t even talk about it.

KYLE

Maybe you should have a seat and tell us about it.

RANDY

I’m too upset to sit. (He sits.) I just want to run home, crawl in to bed, read People magazine and eat ice cream for a week. You invest so much time, so much energy, and for what? You even fall in love a little bit. And for what? For someone to just take it all away. All you have left are your memories. I promised myself I wouldn’t do it, again. But I did. I’m such a sucker.

CLAIRE

Someone broke your heart pretty bad.

RANDY

I’ll say. Damn you, Fox network! (He gets up). Damn you Rupert Murdoch! And to hell with you Joss Whedon. Never again! NEVER…again … I have to go.

(He quickly exits)

KYLE

Was he talking about a TV show being cancelled?

CLAIRE

I feel so sorry for him. I went through the same thing when they cancelled Pushing Daisies. I used up all my sick days that week.

(Randy returns)

RANDY

Forgot my People magazine.

KYLE

I’m glad you’re back because I have something to tell you two. What you consider “bad news” most people consider just a “bummer.” A hot dog stand closing, a show being cancelled, not that big a deal. Inconvenient. Pain in the ass, maybe. Someone dying, losing your job, that’s bad news. Calamities, life altering challenges, brutal acts of God. Bad news.

(Steffen rolls in on his wheel chair. He has severe burn scars on his face and hands.)

CLAIRE

Steffen!

RANDY

Welcome back, Champ!

KYLE

Oh my God, Steffen. You’ve been gone for months. We heard rumors, but, Jesus, what happened to you?

STEFFEN (his speech is slow and slightly slurred)

Hi, guys… Well, I was at home celebrating my birthday with my family when, just before blowing out the candles, I had an aneurism. I started having seizures from a series of strokes. I knocked over the cake and the carpet caught on fire and then the drapes. My house burned down. Everyone was able to get out except for me. I have burns on over 80% of my body. I even burnt my weenie. The doctors don’t think I’ll ever walk again or speak like I used to or be able to have sex. My wife couldn’t handle it, so she took the kids and left. I live at the “Y” now. I shouldn’t be working, but I need the money and the health insurance.

(They are all stunned into silence.)

KYLE

Did you hear about Maxine’s closing?

(Blackout)

MOUSTACHE-A-THON! - I'll give y'all an update tomorrow!

Week Five, Day Thirty - "Termination "

“Termination”
Written by Joe Janes
2/17/09
30 of 365

CAST:
Cliff
Eleanor

(Lights up on Eleanor entering Cliff’s office.)

ELEANOR

You wanted to see me, Cliff?

CLIFF

Yes, Eleanor. Things being how they are, I’m afraid I have to let you go.

ELEANOR

But we’ve only been married two weeks.

(He points to the door. She starts to exit. Lights fade.)

MOUSTACHE-A-THON

Wednesday night (most likely TONIGHT by the time you read this) is the final 826 Moustache-A-Thon event. Big shout out to Team Elwell, Lori Letterhos, Andrew Ettenhoffer and Andy Poland for adding themselves to my elite list of contributors sponsoring Zed and me. If you're in Chicago, the Moustache-A-Thon wraps up at The Globe Pub near the Irving Park brownline stop starting at 7:30pm. It's free to join us and many prizes will be given to hairy and non-hairy people alike.And it's not too late to bolster Zed's self-esteem with your donation by clicking HERE.



THROWING HEAT

So, I'm directing a play about baseball and the media. We had auditions on Sunday and Monday, and I was absolutely blown away by the level of talent wanting to come play with us. We could have cast this show several different ways without a single compromise in quality. I sincerely wish I could have cast everyone. A big thank you to everyone who turned out. You'll hear more about this project as we get closer to the show dates in May.

THE SEAFARER

Holy mother of God, go see this play. One of the best written plays I have seen in awhile. And certainly well done. It's at the Steppenwolf.