Week 29, Day 197 - "After Work, Before Bed"

“After Work, Before Bed”
Written by Joe Janes
8/3/09
197 of 365

CAST
Chantrelle, 20s
Lamont, 20s

(Lights up on Chantrelle sitting on the edge of a bed. She wears short shorts with nylons and high heels, a tight top and a big red wig. She stares off into space. Offstage, we hear a man whistling. Lamont enters wearing a light purple suit, a purple felt hat and a cane.)

LAMONT

Oh, hi, Honey. I didn’t know you were home.

CHANTRELLE

Oh, hi, Lamont.

(She starts to take off her shoes and he starts to remove his hat and coat.)

LAMONT

How was your day?

CHANTRELLE

Oh, the usual. On my feet or on my knees. Suck this, pull that. I’m exhausted.

(She rubs her wrist.)

LAMONT

Your wrist bugging you, again? I told you to go see a doctor.

CHANTRELLE

I will, I will. Just don’t have the time between work and the kids.

(During their conversation, they are getting ready for bed, changing out of their work clothes and into some very plain sleepwear.)

LAMONT

I hear ya’, but you better take care of that. It’s an occupational hazard for you. You can’t use your wrists, that’s going to cut into your pay.

CHANTRELLE

I know. I was thinking of taking some time off.

LAMONT

Chantrelle, you know with the kids and the house, we need both our incomes. We can’t afford to take a vacation. That’s a lot of money going out and none coming in.

CHANTRELLE

It could be a working vacation. Lie on the beach all day, do a little work at night to cover the expenses.

LAMONT

You really need a break?

CHANTRELLE

I’m tired and my mind is turning to mush. My English degree is totally going to waste.

LAMONT

Well, I’ll think about it. Aren’t you going to ask me about my day?

CHANTRELLE

I’m sorry, honey. How was your day?

LAMONT

Oh, same old, same old. Although, I might be expanding into the east side a bit, which could bring in more money for us.

CHANTRELLE

For a vacation?

LAMONT

I was thinking a college fund for Danitra.

CHANTRELLE

Oh, that reminds me. Tomorrow’s “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day.”

(They get under the covers of the bed.)

LAMONT

Oh, that’ll be nice. Danitra will have a good time.

CHANTRELLE

She’s excited about it. She’s already got a wig picked out. I’ll have her help me out, too.

LAMONT

She’s such a good little helper.

(They kiss.)

LAMONT

You know, I was thinking, it’s been awhile since-

CHANTRELLE

My wrist is really killing me.

LAMONT

Sure, Babe, sure. Good night.

CHANTRELLE

Goodnight.

(She sits for a moment as Lamont rolls over and goes to sleep. She sighs and turns off the light. Blackout.)

Week 28, Day 196 - "French Is Easy"

“French Is Easy”
Written by Joe Janes
8/2/09
196 of 365

CAST:
Emilie, 20s
Jean-Paul, 40s
Sophie, 20s
Clara, 40s

(Lights up on Emilie, Jean-Paul and Sophie all seated in a semi-circle. Arms and legs uncrossed. Conservatively, but casually dressed. They speak with French accents and have big smiles plastered on their faces.)

EMILIE

Oh, hi, Jean-Paul! How are you?

JEAN-PAUL

I’m fine, and you?

EMILIE

Not bad… Jean-Paul, this is my friend, Sophie. Sophie, Jean-Paul.

JEAN-PAUL

Pleased to meet you.

SOPHIE

Pleased to meet you.

EMILIE

Good-by, Jean-Paul.

JEAN-PAUL

Yes, see you soon. Good-by, Sophie.

SOPHIE

Good-by.

(Jean-Paul and Emilie exit. Clara enters and sits down.)

SOPHIE

Hello. My name is Sophie. And you, what’s your name?

CLARA

My name is Clara.

SOPHIE

Pleased to meet you.

CLARA

Pleased to meet you.

(Emilie re-enters and sits. She wears upon her head what is obviously a wig.)

CLARA

Hi,Josee. How are you?

EMILIE

I’m very well, and you?

CLARA

Okay.

SOPHIE

Hello, Madame. How are you?

EMILIE

I’m well, thank you. And you?

SOPHIE

Not bad.

(Jean-Paul re-enters wearing upon his face what is obviously a mustache. He also wears a tuxedo jacket with tails.)

CLARA

Excuse me, Sir!

JEAN-PAUL

Yes, Ma’am… what would you like?

CLARA

A black coffee, please.

EMILIE

And I’ll take a coffee with cream.

JEAN-PAUL

And for you, young ladies?

SOPHIE

I’ll take a lemon soda… And for me, a Coke.

(Jean-Paul exits. The ladies sit in silence for a moment.)

CLARA

I like Algerian music.

EMILIE

Do you play music, Sophie?

SOPHIE

No, but I have a brother who plays the guitar very well, and my two sisters love to dance. My family is pretty musical.

CLARA

Hey, there’s Tran.

SOPHIE

Who’s that?

CLARA

He’s a Vietnamese friend. He’s a student with me at the university. Tran!

(Jean-Paul re-enters. He wears what is obviously a straw conical hat upon his head.)

JEAN-PAUL

Oh, hi, Clara. How are you?

CLARA

I’m well, and you?

JEAN-PAUL

Not bad. I just took a really difficult exam, so I’m a little tired!

CLARA

Tran, this is my friend Sophie and my friend Josee.

JEAN-PAUL

Hello.

SOPHIE

Hello.

JEAN-PAUL

Hello.

EMILIE

Hello.

JEAN-PAUL

Where are you from, Sophie?

SOPHIE

I’m French, but my family is originally from Algeria.

JEAN-PAUL

Good-by.

CLARA

See you soon.

EMILIE

See you in a bit. See you later.

SOPHIE

See you tomorrow.

(They all stay there looking at each other, smiling. Lights fade.)

Week 28, Day 195 - "New York, New York"

“New York, New York”
Written by Joe Janes
8/1/09
195 of 365

CAST
Louise, 30s
Robert, 30s

(Lights up on Robert and Louise with cameras and taking in all the bright lights and large billboards of Times Square.)

LOUISE

I love New York, Robert.

ROBERT

It’s like no other place on the planet.

LOUISE

I want to see the Statue of Liberty, go to the top of the Empire State Building, and go see a Broadway musical. All the things New Yorkers do.

ROBERT

When in Rome…

LOUISE

Let’s get some authentic New York cuisine first.

ROBERT

Hey, there’s an Applebees.

LOUISE

Perfect.

(Blackout)

Week 28, Day 194 - "Weepy"

“Weepy”
Written by Joe Janes
7/31/09
194 of 365

CAST
Ross, 20s
Annie, 20s

(Lights up on Annie sitting on the sofa and looking very sad. Ross enters carrying a bag from Burger King and sits nearby.)

ROSS

Hey, babe. Sorry, I’m late. Traffic was a bear. I brought some burgers, if you want one.

(Ross takes a burger out of the bag and offers it to her.)

ANNIE

That’s okay.

(Ross shrugs and unwraps the burger for himself and starts eating it.)

ROSS

Is something wrong?

ANNIE

No.

ROSS

I know we haven’t been going out very long, but I think I can tell something’s bothering you.

(He continues eating.)

ANNIE (even sadder)

I’d rather not talk about it.

ROSS

Okay.

(He continues eating. Annie begins making very loud gasping, wheezing, hitching crying sounds.)

ROSS (continuing)

Oh, Jesus.

(He puts the burger down and puts his arm around Annie who continues to cry loudly.)

ROSS

Honey, honey. I’ve never seen you cry before. Just, just, dear God, let it out.

ANNIE

I – am – so – up-set…

ROSS

At me? At me? Did I do something wrong?

ANNIE

Nuh-nuh-no…. My brother…

ROSS

Tim? Tim did something jerky to you?

ANNIE

No-no-no…

(Annie tries to cry more. It’s a bizarre mix of gasps and wheeze and pained expressions. Ross is fascinated by this. He hands her a napkin and she blows her know with much generosity. Ross turns his face away to hide his laughter.)

ANNIE

He…he…his wife left him… my, my, my…. sister-in-law….

ROSS (fighting laughter)

That’s awful. That’s just awful. (Pause) Tell me more…

(She now adds a slight wailing to her crying. Ross purses his lips and tries to look concerned.)

ANNIE

Betty – and – I – went- to – high – school – to-ether…How – can – she – do – this – to - him?

ROSS (putting his arm a round her)

Shhh, shh. There, there.

ANNIE

You’re – shake-ing-too.

ROSS (getting up and stepping away)

It’s…just…so…upsetting, Divorce…and…stuff. Oh, man, I’m going to lose my burger.

(He doubles over against the back of a chair, still trying to hide his laughter caused by Annie’s hysterics.)

ANNIE (calming down slightly)

You’re taking this worse than me.

ROSS (turning to her)

Am I?

(Annie gets up and puts her arms around him.)

ANNIE

I am so lucky to have you here.

(She starts bucking and crying, again. Ross is trying to remain stiff, but we can see on his face he’s about to burst.)

ROSS

Why, why is she divorcing him?

(She holds Ross’s face in her hands.)

ANNIE (more major crying)

For-some-thing-I-I-I-never-have-to-worry-about-with-you. She-said-he’s-insensitive.

(That does it. Ross bursts out laughing. He cannot stop. He doubles over on the floor and cannot stop. He stops and looks at Annie’s contorted, sad, puzzled face and it makes him laugh more. He finally runs out of steam.)

ROSS

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Oh, my God. (Gulp) Whew! I’m so sorry.

ANNIE

What’s so funny?

ROSS

You are. When you cry. The wailing and the gasping. I’ve never seen anything like it.

ANNIE

It’s how I cry.

(Ross starts giggling, again.)

ANNIE (continuing)

Now, what’s so funny?

ROSS

I was just thinking about how you cry.

(He laughs some more and she exits. He continues laughing, grabs some napkins to wipe his eyes. She re-enters carrying her purse and keys. She kicks him in the anus and leaves. After she is gone, he sits still for a moment and starts crying much in the same manner as she did punctuated with the occasional giggle, but he is definitely sad about this. Lights fade.)

Week 28, Day 193 - "Mercenary Air"

“Mercenary Air”
Written by Joe Janes
7/30/09
193 of 365

CAST
Adjudicator
The Liquidator
The Eradicator
The Protector
Jason, 10

(Lights up on The Liquidator, The Eradicator, and The Protector. They stand in shadows across the stage.)

ADJUDICATOR (VO)

Soldiers of war. Present yourselves.

(Spotlight comes up on The Liquidator. The Liquidator wears a wetsuit and goggles.)

THE LIQUIDATOR

I am The Liquidator. I settle bad debts. Recently, I killed the leader of a small country of large consequence with my bare hands. He borrowed too much from too many and flaunted his disregard to settle with his lavish lifestyle. I slipped into his marble and rum cake palace and moved with the shadows along the wall disguised as a unicorn tapestry. In his chamber, I waited until he was brushing his long flaxen hair at his vanity. On his 89th and a half brush stroke, I strangled him with the silk sash from his robe. (Holds up the silk sash) I made sure he could see me in the mirror. We locked eyes. Goggles to bulging eye sockets. And I whispered, “You’re a bad man. You do bad things. But no more.” I leapt from his balcony and escaped swinging from olive tree to olive tree to a small swan-filled stream. If you need someone taken care of, I’m the best. Call me. But not on Tuesdays. And if I don’t pick up, leave a message and a phone number. Don’t be a jerk. I’ll find you.

(Spotlight goes out on The Liquidator and up on The Eradicator. The Eradicator wears sleeveless non-descript military fatigues to show off the muscles and smokes a cigar.)

THE ERADICATOR

I’m The Eradicator. I rub things out. Last week, I killed a power hungry government official on the verge of world domination. I infiltrated his giant secret lair airship by clobbering one of his lackey cargo bay workers over the head and stealing his orange coveralls and gold hardhat. I made my way to the engine room and, without giving away any trade secrets, stuck a giant potato in the system’s exhaust pipe (He holds up a small club). I parachuted to safety as the airship imploded and then burst into a falling ball of hot. He and his crew of 500 perished. As well as another thousand in that small African village the flaming airship landed on. Some exotic animals got scorched pretty badly, too. Some African wildlife, and the sharks he kept in a tank on the bridge on the airship. But, hey, can’t make an omelet without killing a few hundred people. (Puts hand to ear, like a phone) Call me. I’ll give you more than you paid for.

(Spotlight out on The Eradicator and up on The Protector. The Protector wears a t-shirt and boxer shorts and carries a rolled-up newspaper in one hand and a spray bottle in another.)

THE PROTECTOR

Some call me The Protector. A select few call me Dad. Just today, I had an enemy break into my home and I had to take matters into my own hands. That’s right. I killed a wasp. It must have come in through the doggie door I finally got around to installing. I stalked it through the living room and into the downstairs bathroom. I quickly shut the door to protect the rest of the family. There in the porcelain chamber, it was just me and that stinging bastard. I grabbed a nearby People magazine and rolled it up tight. The wasp bobbed and weaved as I started batting. A formidable opponent. To slow it down, I grabbed a nearby spray bottle of tub and tile cleaner. Squirt, bat, squirt, bat, squirt, bat. Eventually, the wasp landed on the edge of the sink and then, whammo. Smashed wasp. I scraped it up with the magazine and wiped it off on the side of the toilet. Flushed the bastard away. You need a killer, give me a call. I don’t fuck around.

ADJUDICATOR (VO)

Three of you stand before me, but only one of you shall remain standing. Prepare for battle!

(Dramatic music swells and the three begin to tangle, Liquidator with a rope, Eradicator with a club and Protector with his magazine and squirt bottle. They go around and take swipes at one another, Protector eventually gets the upper hand, blinding Eradicator with Tub and Tile Cleaner and wrapping Liquidator’s rope around his magazine. Before he can go in for the kill, Jason runs up and tugs at his dad’s side. The music comes to a cold stop.)

JASON

Dad, dad, we found another wasp in the garage!

THE PROTECTOR

Some other time, fellow soldiers. Dad has a wasp to kill.

(He leaves with Jason. Liquidator and Eradicator are relieved. The Adjudicator clears his throat. The Eradicator lamely hits Liquidator in the arm with his club.)

LIQUIDATOR (whiney)

Ow!

(The Liquidator lamely whips The Eradicator with his rope.)

ADJUDICATOR (VO)

Oh, just go home. (They stare up at him.) I said go home! (They scramble off as the battle music plays and lights fade to black.)

Week 28, Day 192 - "Ding Dong School"

“Ding Dong School – He Who Sits In The Shadow Of His Tail”
Written by Joe Janes
7/29/09
192 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s
Joey, 8
Nate, 8
Mickey, 8
Katrina, 8
Chrissy, 8

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber sitting on a chair before the class, which is seated on the floor. She has one hand behind her back.)

MRS. GRUBER

Good morning, children. How are you this morning? Guess what we’re going to learn about today? Have you ever seen animals? Where? The zoo? A farm? Have you ever seen an animal right outside your house or as you were walking to school? What kinds of animals do you see when you walk to school? Did anyone see my friend, Mr. Squirrel?

(She takes her hand out from behind her revealing a very simple hand puppet of a squirrel.)

MRS. GRUBER (continuing)

Say, “hello,” to Mr. Squirrel everybody. (They do) Now, Mr. Squirrel did hear you, but he won’t be saying “hello” back. Does anybody know why?

JOEY

He doesn’t like us?

NATE

He’s a foreigner?

CHRISSY

He’s angry like my dad?

MRS. GRUBER

No. No. Mr. Squirrel won’t say hello because he’s a squirrel. Squirrels are stupid and don’t speak English like we do. They have tiny brains, about the size of a walnut.

KATRINA

Will a squirrel try to eat its own brain?

MRS. GRUBER

Yes. A squirrel is not smart enough to tell it’s own brain from a walnut.

MICKEY

Do squirrels speak squirrel?

MRS. GRUBER

That’s a good question, Mickey. Squirrels do speak squirrel to one another. What sort of things do you think squirrels talk about?

KATRINA

Where to find nuts.

MRS. GRUBER

Or garbage. Squirrels will eat garbage, too.

CHRISSY

That’s gross.

MRS. GRUBER

They don’t even care that it’s your garbage and that you put a lid on it.

MICKEY

You could write you name on your garbage.

MRS. GRUBER

Good idea, Mickey, but, remember, squirrels are stupid. They can’t read. Does anyone want to pet Mr. Squirrel? (They all raise their hands.) Okay, Joey. Come here and pet Mr. Squirrel.

(Joey does and just before he can touch the puppet, Mr. Squirrel nips him.)

JOEY

Ow! He bit me!

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right. Mr. Squirrel is a wild animal. So, what valuable lesson did Joey just learn?

NATE (raising hand)

Don’t pet wild animals.

MRS. GRUBER

Very good, Nathan.

JOEY

I’m bleeding.

MRS. GRUBER

And what did we learn to do with cuts and bites when Mr. Doctor was here?

MICKEY

Cauterize the wound.

MRS. GRUBER

Good boy, Mickey. Here. (She tosses Mickey a lighter who lights it and presses the flame against Joey’s finger.)

JOEY

Ow!

MRS. GRUBER

What else does Joey have to worry about from being bit by a wild animal?

KATRINA

Scars?

CHRISSY

Emotional scars?

MICKEY

Fleas?

NATHAN

I know! Rabies!

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right, rabies!

JOEY

Rabies?

(Joey faints.)

CHRISSY

You can’t get rabies from a hand puppet.

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right, Chrissy. (She looks at Mr. Squirrel’s mouth.) Although, I should see if he’s had a tetanus shot recently. So, what do we do about a problem like Mr. Squirrel?

MICKEY

My grandpa eats them.

MRS. GRUBER

I’m sure he does. For those of us not wishing to eat what is essentially a cute rat, what can we do?

KATRINA

Hit them with cars?

MRS. GRUBER

Good. Tell your parents to run them down, but don’t be afraid to use your bicycles, too.

CHRISSY

Shoot them.

MRS. GRUBER

Squirrels make excellent target practice. Aim for the head.

MICKEY

And if you run out of bullets, you can club them with the gun.

MRS. GRUBER

I like how you’re thinking, Mickey.

JOEY (regaining consciousness)

Burn the trees.

MRS. GRUBER

Burn the trees!

NATE

You could just not feed them.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, very good, Nathan. If all else fails, cut off their food supply. Keep your garbage inside and empty those bird feeders. The squirrels will go elsewhere. They’ll go elsewhere or they will starve. Say, “good-bye” to Mr. Squirrel, children. (They do. She takes Mr. Squirrel off her hand and drops him into a small garbage can. The kids cheer. Blackout.)

Week 28, Day 191 - "With or Without"

“With or Without”
Written by Joe Janes
7/28/09
191 of 365

CAST
Jack, 40-50s
Thomas, 20s

(Lights up on Jack wearing a tucked in polo shirt and khaki pants. His belly barely keeps from spilling over his belt buckle. He carries a nice brief case and has a blue tooth phone in one ear.)

JACK (on phone)

Stall them, Mickey… I’m just outside. I’ll be in in a few minutes... Get ‘em some coffee, get ‘em some blow jobs, I don’t care. …Don’t lecture me on how important this is. I know how important this is.

(Thomas, a young, black man carrying a milk crate, a rag and a few bottles of shoe polish walks out.)

THOMAS

Shine your shoes?

JACK

Thomas!...I have to go. (He hangs up his blue tooth.) Thomas! Do me. Here’s five bucks. I’ve been waiting for you. (He hands Thomas a five-dollar bill.)

THOMAS

Sure thing. (He starts to shine Jack’s shoes.) How’s your day been going?

JACK

Better now that you’re here. I was about to crap my pants if you didn’t show up.

THOMAS

Well, I know I do good work…

JACK

You have no idea how valuable your work is. This is going to be my lucky day. Have you made enough money to go to school, yet?

THOMAS

I’ve been taking night classes. Still a few years off from getting an associate’s degree-

JACK

-in Business Administration. (Thomas looks at him quizzically) You don’t remember me, do you?

THOMAS

You look kind of familiar…

JACK

I’m a businessman. A year ago. Almost to the day. Right on this spot. You shined my shoes before I gave a big sales presentation in that building.

THOMAS

I shine lots of shoes, Mister.

JACK

Call me Jack. Call me Jack… I got that big sale. Saved my ass. Saved the company’s ass.

THOMAS

Congratulations. I’m sure that had everything to do with my excellent shoe shining skills.

JACK

It sort of did. The CEO complimented me on my shoes. Before he even shook my hand. I think he’s got some kind of shoe fixation or something. Anyway, from that point on, I could do no wrong with that guy. They’re back today to discuss whether or not to renew with us.

THOMAS

I see. So, I am an integral part of your strategy to win another sale.

JACK

Doesn’t hurt. I just know that if I went in there and lost the sale without getting a shine from you, I’d cut off my feet to spite my face.

(Jack finishes one shoe, but hesitates before doing the other.)

JACK (continuing)

What’s the matter?

THOMAS

Oh. Did you want both shoes done?

JACK

Yes! Of course I do.

THOMAS

Because, you only gave me five bucks. It’s been a year. My rates have changed.

JACK (taking out wallet)

How much is it, now?

THOMAS

Well, it’s five bucks for the first shoe, five thousand for the second.

JACK

Thomas! You can’t do this to me. I’m already late for the sales meeting.

THOMAS

Be a shame for you to walk in there with only one shiny, shiny shoe. What would a CEO make of that?

JACK

You’re trying to rob me.

THOMAS

Just providing a valuable service.

(Jack’s phone rings.)

JACK (on phone)

I’ll be there in a second, Mickey!... I’m getting my shoes shined, but don’t tell them that! Tell them I’m stuck in traffic. …What! Are you serious? God dimmit. (He hangs up and waves up to the building across the street. Thomas notices and waves, too.) Well, at least the CEO gave me a thumbs up. That’s a good sign.

THOMAS

Bet he’s wondering why I haven’t done the other shoe, yet.

JACK (smiling through his teeth)

All right, cocksucker. Here’s how we’re going to play this. You finish my other shoe, I go in there and make the sale, I come back out and we transfer five grand into your bank account. You okay with that?

(Thomas starts to quickly polish the other shoe.)

THOMAS

Give me your wallet.

JACK

I’m not giving you my wallet.

THOMAS

For security. How am I supposed to know you’ll come back? Especially if you don’t make the sale.

JACK

You’ll just have to trust me.

THOMAS

You’ll just have to trust me that I won’t spill this bottle of black polish onto your oxblood dress shoes.

(Jack quickly stoops and slaps his wallet into Thomas’s hands as if he were shaking them; all the while still aware he’s being watched.)

JACK

Here you go, Thomas. Meet me back here in an hour. You better be here.

THOMAS

Hey, I’m not a thief.

(Jack exits, smiling and waving to the building.)

THOMAS (taking the cash out of the wallet and pocketing it)

I’m a businessman.

(Blackout)