Week 36, Day 251 - "The Awakening"

“The Awakening”

Written by Joe Janes

9/26/09

251 of 365

CAST

Henry, 50s

Father Theodore, 50s

(Lights up on Henry’s bedroom early in the morning. He is deep asleep. His bell alarm clock goes off. He hits the button and it goes off. He barely wakes up to do that. He is quickly back to slumbering. Another electric alarm clock goes off across the room. He growls. He gets up and crosses the room to turn it off. He stands for a moment in the dark. He takes a deep breath. He coughs a bit. He rubs his face. He stretches. It feels good. He walks back to the bed and crawls back in and goes to sleep. Another buzzing alarm clock outside the room goes off. He climbs out of bed and stumbles out the door to offstage. We hear a cat get stepped on; he says “Fuck!” and a lamp gets knocked over. He turns the alarm clock off. He comes back into the bedroom and turns the light on. He stretches some more as he walks to the center of the room. He gets down on the floor on his back and starts to do sit-ups. He starts off quickly and spends more and more time when he is on his back. Until finally, he simply lies on his back. After a pause, he farts. A moment later, we hear soft snoring. A clock radio goes off near his bed. It’s playing whatever horrible schlocky dance Top Ten hit of the moment, Miley Cyrus or something. He crawls over and shuts it off. While on his knees, he collapses the upper part of his body onto his bed. Father Theodore stands in the doorway holding a broken lamp. He lightly clears his throat. Henry straightens up and pretends to be praying. Father Theodore shakes his head and walks off. Henry peeks to see if Father Theodore is still there. Relieved to find him gone, he sits on the edge of his bed. He looks distraught. He wonders if he’s really cut out for the monastery. He looks up, closes his eyes and prays for real. We hear the glorious sound of angels. Henry looks perturbed. He reaches over to the foot of the bed and turns off another alarm clock. Blackout.)

Week 36, Day 250 - "Detained"

“Detained”

Written by Joe Janes

9/25/09

250 of 365

CAST

John

Monty

Caroline

Principal Haversham

(Lights up on Caroline sitting alone in a classroom. There are other chairs around her, positioned uniformly. She looks agitated. John walks in. They exchange looks.)

CAROLINE

You, too?

JOHN

Yep. Good seeing you in the hallway this morning.

CAROLINE

You made me late.

JOHN

You were already late.

CAROLINE

You made me later.

(He sits. Monty enters and sits directly without looking at them.)

CAROLINE

You’re never in here.

MONTY

First time.

JOHN

My how the mighty has fallen.

MONTY

My mother’s going to kill me. It’s Taco Night.

CAROLINE

That’s sweet. Your mother makes you tacos.

MONTY

No. I take her out and I buy her tacos. She loves tacos. Taco Bell tacos. Won’t even think of trying any other kind. I hate her so.

JOHN

What are you in for, Caroline?

CAROLINE

What do you think? Tardy.

JOHN

Weren’t you in here last week for that?

CAROLINE

Yes.

JOHN

So, then you’re re-tardy. (He laughs and tries to get a high five from Monty who just stares at him.) I’m sorry, I meant re-mentally challenged. What horrible thing did you do, Monty? Color-coordinate the sugar packets in the cafeteria?

MONTY

That wasn’t a crime.

JOHN

Then what?

MONTY

Gum. Under my desk.

JOHN

Oh, big whoop.

MONTY

What did you do, John? Kill someone?

JOHN

Smoking in the little boys room. Haversham had a fit. Threatened to call the police.

CAROLINE

No way.

JOHN

Way. Way way. I had to beg to get detention. I’m not proud.

(Mr. Haverhsam, an imposing humorless figure stands in the doorway and clears his throat. Everyone stops talking and looks down. Haversham moves to a desk in front of them and sits down. He stares at them all quietly for as long as painfully possible. They steal looks at him and look back down at the floor.)

HAVERHSAM

I am disgusted. We spend the better part of the day trying to improve the minds and therefore the futures of the students here. This is a private school. Parents pay good money to send their children to us. And here we have three teachers unable to behave themselves. Miss Cass, you are so frequently late that your students run a pool to see how many minutes past the hour you will walk in the door. Mr. Winston won this morning.

CAROLINE (glaring at John)

That’s why you stopped me in the hall.

(John shrugs)

HAVERSHAM

Mr. Winston seems to think our institution is a pool hall and that laws about smoking don’t apply to him. And as filthy a habit as smoking is, there’s one I find even more disturbing. Gum chewing, Mr. Dufhoppel. Particularly when said gum is dispensed of under the edges of furniture. When I sat down at your desk to borrow a ruler, a Bubble Yum stalactite nearly punctured my thigh. I’m lucky I don’t need stitches. (He stares at them some more, this time more intently.) This isn’t public school so no more acting like it is. No more detentions for the three of you. One more infraction from any of you and you all three are fired.

MONTY

All three?

CAROLINE

That’s not fair. He made me late.

JOHN

Later.

HAVERSHAM

You need to stop your own selfish behavior and make sure the other two don’t mess up. No more gum, no more cigarettes, no more lateness. (He walks to the door.) Figure out whatever you need to figure out to make this work, or, if you’re a fool, take a chance that the others just won’t screw things up for you.

(He laughs and exits. The three all look at each other worried.)

CAROLINE

What are we going to do?

(John takes out a cigarette and lights up.)

JOHN

Fuck it. I hate my job.

(Monty takes out gum and pops it in his mouth.)

MONTY

My mother takes my paycheck anyway. She drove me to this.

(Caroline picks up her bag and heads to the door.)

JOHN

Too late, Caroline, you’re already on time, for once.

(John and Monty laugh. Caroline flips them off as she exits. John and Monty high five. John coughs on his smoke, Monty chokes on his gum. Blackout.)

Week 36, Day 249 - "Typewriter Repair"

“Typewriter Repair”

Written by Joe Janes

9/24/09

249 of 365

CAST

Oswald, 60s

Ike, 30s

George, 40s

(Lights up on Oswald looking down through reading glasses working on the keys of an old typewriter. We hear a store bell ding as George walks in through the door. He is wearing an iPod. Oswald gives him a look. George nods and looks around the small store a bit.)

OSWALD

That’s a 1922 Underwood.

GEORGE (taking out ear buds)

It’s beautiful.

OSWALD

It’s a 1922 Underwood.

GEORGE

I feel like there should be an old candlestick phone right next to it. “Got a hot one for you, Mack - Governor and Mistress Caught in Love Nest. Stop the presses.” (He nods to himself) You restore these?

OSWALD

Restore and repair. Need a typewriter repaired?

GEORGE

Wish I did. Been by this place a million times. Looked in your window and decided, “What the hell?” I had an electric portable one in college. A Royal. Quite the popular guy on my dorm room floor. Everyone wanted to borrow it. A guy named Ted broke it.

OSWALD (pointing)

Did it look like that one?

GEORGE

Yep. Sure as hell did. Wow. Mine was dark blue, but this. Takes me back. So, this is what you do.

OSWALD

This is what I’ve always done.

GEORGE

All by yourself?

OSWALD

My son helps.

GEORGE

This is so great. You do this one thing, that you love, right?

OSWALD

That’s why I do it.

GEORGE

I don’t do anything.

OSWALD

Everybody does something.

GEORGE

Nothing like this. Not everybody gets to do something like this.

OSWALD

Not like I’m turning people away at the door.

GEORGE

But you make a living, right? You support yourself.

OSWALD

I sleep in the back.

GEORGE

In the back of the place where you get to do the thing you really love to do.

OSWALD

Guess so.

(Ike enters carrying take out. He is dressed almost identically to Oswald and wears similar glasses.)

IKE

I got us some gyros.

OSWALD

Jesus, Ike. Why not just take an eggbeater to my guts? Or just throw it in the toilet, because that’s where it will be in twenty minutes.

IKE

Hey. Whoever gets lunch gets to decide lunch. And, besides it’s cheap and next door.

OSWALD

Cheap and next door. Like your mother. (They laugh and then turn serious) God rest her soul.

IKE

God rest her soul.

GEORGE

You two are father and son?

IKE

Yep.

GEORGE

Man, this place just gets cooler and cooler. You do what you love and you’re passing your legacy on to your son.

(Ike and Oswald look at one another like George is crazy.)

GEORGE (continuing)

Typewriters. These are all like sculptures, works of art. I bet when they first came out, printers were crapping their pants.

OSWALD

How’s that?

GEORGE

You know, new technology. People could do what they do, but on their own.

(Ike shrugs.)

GEORGE (continuing)

Like computers today and how they’re killing newspapers. I can’t remember the last time I bought a newspaper. Hey, how much is this old Royal.

IKE

Seventy-five dollars.

GEORGE

Really? That’s what I paid for it in college.

OSWALD

Too much?

GEORGE

I thought it would be more, being an antique and all.

OSWALD

Well, it’s electric.

IKE

Not as much call for those.

OSWALD

And it did drop in value over the years. Now, since I restored it, the price crept back up to what it used to be worth.

IKE

Goes in cycles. Like life.

OSWALD

Like a looping typewriter ribbon.

GEORGE

Wow. You just blew my mind. I’ll get this. I’ll get this.

(Oswald, who has continued working on the typewriter in front of him, directs Ike to go get it. Ike puts down his gyro and brings the typewriter back to the counter. They conduct their transaction as they talk.)

GEORGE (continuing)

Why typewriters?

OSWALD

I love typewriters.

GEORGE

I know. I get that. But why? How did you know, “Hey… typewriters.”

OSWALD

Some people do cars. Some people do model trains. Electronics. For me, it’s the smell of the oil, the clack of the keys, the weight, the elegance of the lines. The pure human-driven mechanics of it. On these old ones. There’s no battery. The only battery is the brain. “War and Peace” was written on a typewriter. Lots of great novels were. Important documents, too. Peace treaties. There was no cutting or pasting or deleting. There was trying to get it right, thinking it through, thinking ahead and making big, sloppy messes.

IKE

What’s not to love?

(George picks up his typewriter and heads to the door.)

GEORGE

I’ll be back. And I’ll tell my friends.

(He nods and exits.)

OSWALD (looking at typewriter)

Is he gone?

IKE

He’s looking in the front window.

(Ike waves hesitantly. Oswald takes his gyro and holds it up.)

OSWALD

Eat this or throw it in the toilet. Ike shrugs and takes it. Lights fade as Oswald sneaks a look up at the window and does a small wave.)

Week 36, Day 248 - "Oblique Oblige"

“Oblique Oblige”

Written by Joe Janes

9/23/09

248 of 365

CAST

Pat, 50s

Mona, 50s

Carl, 50s

Belinda, 50s

(Lights up on Mona and Pat driving home at night. Pat is driving. Mona looks out the window. They are quiet. They are listening to a CD of Barbra Streisand’s Greatest Hits. Nothing going on but driving and Barbra. Suddenly the music stops cold. Pat looks at the CD player. He starts punching it.)

PAT

God damn, Goddamn, God fucking damn.

MONA

Easy, Pat. You got it.

PAT

Got what?

MONA

You taught it a thing or two. Leave it alone.

PAT

Piece of crap CD player.

MONA

Try the radio.

(Pat turns on the radio. All we hear is static. He tries to find a station. All we hear is static, static, static, BLARING MEXICAN MUSIC, static, static, static, static, static, static, more BLARING MEXICAN MUSIC. He shuts it off.)

PAT

God fucking damn.

(They drive in silence for a moment.)

MONA

The party was nice.

PAT

Yeah. It was. 30^th Anniversary, you think Carl and Belinda would spring for something better than a sheet cake from the grocery store.

MONA

The roast was good.

PAT

The roast was good. That Belinda knows how to stick it to meat. Where were you when I won the Jenga tournament?

MONA

Oh, uh, Carl was giving some of us a tour of their new basement.

(Mona looks out the window and quickly moves to stage right where Carl is banging her on top of a washing machine. They are both making hushed upper middle-age animal noises as Carl climaxes. He, exhaustedly backs away from her, putting himself together. She does the same, straightening out her dress.)

MONA

Happy anniversary, Carl.

CARL

Thanks, Mona. That was better than that shitty sheet cake.

MONA

Hope we didn’t dent your washing machine.

CARL

I wouldn’t worry about that piece of crap. I’m getting a new one next week. You’ll need to come back over and help me break it in.

MONA

As soon as this extra crease in my ass smoothes out.

CARL

Oh, shoot. Mona. I didn’t use any protection.

MONA

I don’t think you should worry about it. I never took off my girdle.

(Mona quickly moves back to the car and Carl exits.)

PAT

Was it good?

MONA

What?

PAT

The new basement.

MONA

It was okay.

PAT

Better than ours?

MONA

It was okay. Sorry I missed the Jenga tournament. What did the winner get?

(Pat quickly moves to stage right and starts groping and grinding against Belinda who stands rather stoically eating cake.)

PAT

Oh, Belinda. Belinda. Mona never lets me do this.

BELINDA

Do what, exactly?

PAT

This. This thing I’m doing. She never lets me do just this.

BELINDA

Doesn’t seem like you need much of a return volley in this game. Try doing it while she’s asleep.

PAT

She wakes up.

(Pat steps away from her and climaxes without touching himself.)

PAT (continuing)

Oh, God damn, Goddamn, God fucking damn.

(He goes back to holding her.)

PAT (continuing)

Was it good for you?

BELINDA

Unbelievable.

PAT

I thought so, too.

(Pat quickly returns to the car as Belinda exits.)

PAT (continuing)

What?

MONA

What’d the winner get?

PAT

Oh. Just, um, bragging rights. “I won.”

MONA

Yay.

(They go back to driving in silence.)

MONA (continuing)

Thirty years.

PAT

Long time.

MONA

Let’s see, if Phillip and I hadn’t divorced, heck, we’d still only be at twenty years.

PAT

My two previous wives combined don’t amount to twenty years, let alone thirty.

MONA

Wonder what their secret is?

PAT

What secret?

MONA

For being together thirty years.

PAT

Oh, right. Guess they just really love each other.

MONA

Guess so. Think we’ll make it to thirty?

PAT

Oh, hell, yes.

MONA

Me, too.

(She moves over and puts her head on his shoulder. They drive in silence for another moment. She smacks the CD player and it starts playing Barbra Streisand from where it left off. They both look surprised and laugh about it. Lights fade.)

Week 36, Day 247 - ""Climate Change

“Climate Change”

Written by Joe Janes

9/22/09

247 of 365

CAST
Scott, 40s

Kristi, 40s

Joanie, 20s

Raymond, 30s

(Lights up on Kristi sitting in a small folding chair in front of a tent. Scott crawls out of the tent and stands up and looks around.)

SCOTT

This was a good idea.

KRISTI

This was a great idea.

SCOTT

I love being outdoors.

KRISTI

It really makes me feel alive.

SCOTT

And eating nothing but what we fish out of the lake.

KRISTI

Living off this sweet, sweet land.

SCOTT

It gives.

KRISTI

It’s a giver.

SCOTT

We should do this more often.

KRISTI

We should do this all the time and go live inside for vacations. How effing great would that be?

SCOTT

I didn’t realize national parks were so cheap.

KRISTI

It’s like we’re stealing Mother Nature. Makes me want to tip the bears. With money.

SCOTT

Feel this. Feel my face.

(She does.)

KRISTI

Ouchy-oohy.

SCOTT

No place for a man to plug in his electric shaver out here.

KRISTI

Not an extension cord long enough.

SCOTT

Didn’t even realize there would be no electricity or phone service.

KRISTI

There’s that pay phone at the ranger station.

SCOTT

Pay phone? What’s that?

(They laugh.)

SCOTT (continuing)

Nothing but nature.

KRISTI

Nothing but nature.

(He gets teary and holds out his hand. She notices this and puts her hand in his. They hear an eagle fly overhead.)

SCOTT

Holy shit, that’s an eagle.

KRISTI

That is one beautiful fucking eagle.

(They watch it till it flies out of view.)

SCOTT

Makes you wonder what it’s all about.

KRISTI

Our lowly existence on this great majestic lump of spinning mud.

SCOTT

We are not worthy to step upon this land.

KRISTI

We should crawl in reverence, but that would actually put more of our body in contact with the ground. If I could, I would float.

SCOTT

Me, too.

KRISTI

And not eat or breathe.

SCOTT

And not eat or breathe.

(We hear a car pull up. A car door slams. Joanie, a pizza deliverer, enters carrying a pizza.)

JOANIE

This lot 826?

KRISTI

No, I-

SCOTT

Yes. Yes it is.

JOANIE

That’s $16.50.

(Scott fishes a twenty out of his wallet.)

SCOTT

Here you go. Keep the change.

JOANIE

Thanks. Be careful of bears. They like pizza, too.

SCOTT

Gotcha. Thanks.

(Scott sits down and opens the pizza box. He takes out a slice and is about to eat it when he notices Kristi glaring at him.)

SCOTT (continuing)

What?

JOANIE

Nature or pizza?

(Scott looks guilty and puts the pizza back, closing the lid. Raymond, in a big guy in a jogging suit not meant for jogging enters.)

RAYMOND

Hey, there, sort of neighbors. I ordered a pizza for me and my pain-in-the-ass kids and their equally painsome mother. You ain’t seen it, have you?

SCOTT

The pizza lady-

KRISTI

Just drove off. You just missed her.

RAYMOND

Fer chrissake’s. The dingbat. Hey, what’s that?

KRISTI

Oh, that. Just an old pizza box. We had some last night.

SCOTT

I was just about to throw it away.

RAYMOND

I’m heading by the trashcans, I can get that-

(Kristi quickly gets up and stands between Raymond and the pizza. They have an intense moment.)

SCOTT

There’s still a slice or two left.

RAYMOND (slowly backing off)

All right, then. Guess I’ll call that pizza place up and give them a piece of my mind. Probably get a couple free pies out of it.

SCOTT

Always a silver lining.

RAYMOND

I guess.

(He stares at Kristi one more time. He walks off. Kristi turns, sits, open the box and pulls out a slice.)

SCOTT

Nature or pizza?

KRISTI

Pizza.

(Blackout.)

Week 36, Day 246 - "Runaway"

“Runaway”

Written by Joe Janes

9/21/09

246 of 365

CAST

Billy

Ellen

(Lights up on Billy sitting on a stoop. He wears a windbreaker and he looks tired. He holds a stick with a bandanna tied in the end like a pouch. It is filled with a few things. A porch light comes on behind him.)

ELLEN

Billy?... Billy, is that you?

BILLY

Yeah. It’s me, Aunt Ellen.

ELLEN

Somebody looks like he’s a little down in the dumpsters.

BILLY

I guess.

(She sits down next to him.)

ELLEN

Run away from home, did ya’?

BILLY

I guess.

ELLEN

What’s the matter, Billy? What mean thing did my sister do, now?

BILLY

She never lets me watch what I want to watch on television.

ELLEN

That’s pretty serious.

BILLY

She’s always bossing me around, telling me what to do.

ELLEN

Yeah. That can be rough.

BILLY

She makes me clean up stuff that I didn’t even make messy, like the yard.

ELLEN

Well, sometimes everybody needs to pitch in. It is just the two of you.

BILLY

But sometimes when I come home, I’m just tired. I don’t want to do any of that stuff. I just want to eat, watch TV or play video games. Why can’t I do that?

ELLEN

We all wish we could play all the time. But, sometimes, you need to work a little harder. She means well. She loves you and cares about you.

BILLY

No she doesn’t.

ELLEN (putting her hand on his arm)

Yes, she does. You’re her little man. She just wants your help.

BILLY

You wouldn’t make me do any of that stuff if I lived here, would ya’?

ELLEN

Well, if you lived here, I might. Sure you’re ready to move into a new place? Doesn’t look like you brought a lot.

BILLY

I brought what I need. (He opens up the bandana.) I have the crust from a baloney sandwich – I ate the inside part, a clean pair of underwear, my Axe Body Spray, a pack of cigarettes and my Cialis.

ELLEN

I don’t think that will last you a very long time. Tell you what. (Standing up) Why don’t you come inside? I just made some chocolate chip cookies. You can have as many as you like. And when you’ve had as many as your little belly can hold and you’re starting to feel all sleepy, we’ll call your wife and have her come get you. Okay?

BILLY (stands up)

Okay. I’ll probably just drive back. Thank you, Aunt Ellen.

ELLEN

You’re welcome. Now, get your buns in there. (She smacks him on the behind as he enters the house.) Boys.

(Blackout)