Week 45, Day 311 - "The Library"

“The Library”

Written by Joe Janes

11/25/09

311of 365

Cast:

Sarah, 30s

Dave, 30s

Henry, 50s

(Lights up on Sarah sitting behind the main desk at the local library. She is checking in returned books. In the background, Henry, possibly a homeless man, sits and reads an old issue of Cosmopolitan. Dave approaches with a book.)

DAVE

Hey, Sarah.

(She looks at him but doesn’t stop what she is doing. She stamps three more books.)

SARAH

There. What can I do for you today…Dave?

DAVE

Just returning this book.

(He hands it to Sarah. She takes it and looks at the card.)

SARAH

Oh, yes, The Time Traveler’s Wife.

DAVE

Thanks for recommending it.

SARAH

It’s so romantic and adventurous. Funny and charming. It really hit the spot with me. I thought of you the whole time I read it and I thought you’d enjoy the time travel aspect since you usually check out science fiction.

DAVE

Science fiction? You mean that Harry Potter book? That was just once. I was just trying to find out what’s coming up in the movies, I hate waiting.

SARAH

I see. What did you think of The Time Traveler’s Wife? Moving and romantic?

DAVE

I guess. I, um, didn’t finish it.

SARAH

So, you want to renew it.

DAVE

No, that’s okay.

SARAH

You didn’t like it. Maybe you need to give it more time. Oh! I think I just made a little joke. (She giggles to herself.) Let me renew it for you.

DAVE

Really, I’d rather not. What happened was, I started reading it. Got about a third of the way in, and then the movie was on the television. So, I just watched the movie.

SARAH

That’s really not the same thing.

DAVE

I know. And I hated the movie. Real cheesy. Kind of dumb. More about relationships than time travel. The time travel just seemed like an inconvenience. Like epilepsy. Or herpes. I hated it so much I couldn’t go back to the book.

SARAH

That’s a shame.

DAVE

I’m sorry, Sarah. Do you have some other book you can recommend?

SARAH

No. No, I don’t think so. Nothing you’d like.

DAVE

I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

SARAH

What? Oh, you didn’t. Takes more than that.

DAVE

You know, I’m being silly. Let me go ahead and renew that book. I’ll finish reading it.

SARAH

I’m afraid it’s too late. (She quickly stamps it.) I’ve already processed it. And Henry already had his name on the waiting list. Here you go, Henry. (Henry walks over, a little confused.) Take it.

HENRY

Thanks.

(He shuffles off.)

SARAH

Happy reading, Henry.

HENRY

I’ll be in the bathroom.

SARAH

No sleeping.

DAVE

Okay, Sarah. Okay. (He turns to leave and gets as far as the door. He turns back.) You know that whole “chrono displacement” thing. He keeps showing up places buck-naked. You’d think he’d be constantly thrown in jail. At least getting beat up. In Chicago, any way. If a strange naked man walked up to me, I’d elbow him in the face.

SARAH

I guess some people are more sensitive to the feelings of others than you might be, Mr. Winchell. I would at least give him the benefit of a doubt. A man in such a vulnerable state needs someone they can rely on.

DAVE

I suppose.

(He exits.)

SARAH

Stupid movies. They ruin everything.

(Henry walks back in naked, covering his private parts with the book.)

HENRY

Hello, Sarah. I’ve travelled through time to be with you.

SARAH

Travel back to the bathroom before I elbow you in the face. (Henry shuffles off.) And burn that book!

(Blackout.)

Week 45, Day 310 - "Something To Believe In"

“Something To Believe In”

Written by Joe Janes

11/24/09

310 of 365

CAST

Dani, 40s

Martin, 40s

Jillie, 40s

Gene, 30s

Nancy, 30s

(Lights up on Dani Collins seated in a chair. An empty chair is next to her. Martin stands between the empty chair and the door.)

MARTIN

Five down, twenty-five more to go. (She rolls her eyes at him.) You ready, Dani? The quicker we do these the quicker we’ll be through.

DANI

Hang on, Martin.

(She sits up. Takes a deep breath while shaking out her hands. She emerges from the process smiling. She nods to Martin who opens the door. Jillie enters. Jillie dresses casually and wears a cap, but has a somber, serious demeanor.)

JILLIE (sitting)

Hi.

DANI

Hi.

(Jillie looks to Martin.)

MARTIN

Oh. The camera’s rolling. Pick up where you need to. We’ll give you the raw stuff and you edit it however you want.

(Jillie nods, looks at Dani.)

JILLIE

5-4-3--… (She suddenly lights up and starts laughing.) Oh, hey, everybody, Jillie B. here with my new BFF Dani Collins. We’re having such a good time talking about her new movie, “Rosalita’s Thunder.” Dani, this movie is amazing-

DANI

You’ve seen it?

(Jillie’s face goes cold. She shakes her head a quick “no.”)

JILLIE

5-4-3… (She lights up, again) Dani, you’re new movie is amazing! Tell me, what was it like working with Bruce Nielson? Pretty hard work?

DANI

Well, Bruce is pretty talented, but it doesn’t hurt that he’s such eye candy.

JILLIE

Tell me, about it, girlfriend. Any sparks fly between you two off the set?

DANI

No, we kept our sparks limited to on the set. And we had a guy standing by with a fire extinguisher.

JILLIE (going cold again)

Why?

DANI

Because we heated things up. On the set.

(Jillie nods slowly, deep in thought.)

JILLIE

That’s good. “Standing by with a fire extinguisher”…5-4-3… (Jillie explodes laughing) Well, of course, you did. Sounds like you guys hit it off. Or should I say, hit it “hot.”

DANI

Really, it’s just a good movie. You should come see it.

JILLIE

You know I will, again. (Jillie laughs). You as Rosalita, I smell Oscar.

DANI

I smell Oscar Mayer.

JILLIE (going cold)

We’ll probably cut that. They’re not one of our sponsors. 5-4-3… (All smiles!) That’s all the time we have. Thank you, Dani. We have to get together more often, Angel.

DANI

We’ve never-

JILLIE

This is Jillie B with the Buzz-z-z-z-z-z in Hollywood. (Jillie goes all cold, again. She gets up and leaves without saying good-bye.)

DANI

These people are freaks.

MARTIN

Freaks that help you sell your movie so you can make another one and have a career. Ready for more pain?

DANI

Bring it on.

(Martin opens the door. Gene enters. He’s a mild-mannered, friendly looking guy.)

GENE

Thanks.

MARTIN

You’re welcome. You have five minutes.

GENE (sitting)

Hi. My name’s Gene. It’s very nice to meet you.

DANI

It’s nice to meet you, Gene.

GENE

Since we don’t have much time, Dani, and this is to promote your new film, I thought I’d just let you run with it.

DANI

Run with it?

GENE

Sure. Tell me about your movie.

DANI

Oh. Okay. “Rosalita’s Thunder” is about a woman from Louisiana. She owns and operates a small hole-in-the-wall bar in the French Quarter that she inherited from her husband who died in battle in Iraq. It’s a story of struggling, carrying on, redemption and falling in love later in life. My co-star is Bruce Nielson as an Iraq vet on the lam. He gets reinstated and runs away. Rosalita offers him refuge and, in the process, heals her grieving heart. (Pause) Gene. Are you okay?

GENE (holding back tears)

That sounds so beautiful.

DANI

It’s a very touching story and everyone really poured their hearts and souls into making it. I’m very proud to be a part of it.

(Gene is crying harder now. He holds out his hand for her to take. She does so, reluctantly.)

GENE

That sounds so special.

DANI

Yeah, it is, I guess.

GENE

I wish I was special.

(Martin and Dani exchange glances and shrugs.)

DANI

Oh, Gene, don’t say that. You’re special.

GENE

You’re just saying that.

DANI

No, no. When you walked in the room, I thought you were different. Special. You’re the only reporter so far to just ask me about the movie without making a big show about it. Believe me, that is special.

GENE

I’m not a reporter.

DANI

You’re not?

GENE

No. I just have a blog.

DANI

Oh. But you write about movies.

GENE

No, not really. I take pictures of sweet actresses like you and Photoshop your face on to pictures of naked ladies.

DANI

Oh.

MARTIN (escorting Gene out)

Hey, that’s five minutes. Time to go Gene. Say good-bye to Dani.

GENE

Wait. Can I just take a moment? (He turns and looks at her.) I want to remember you as you are.

DANI

Well, make sure you remember it with this body.

MARTIN

Let’s go.

(Gene exits. Martin closes the door.)

DANI

I’m not going to make it. I just want to make movies. I don’t want to go through this bullshit. Help me out here, Martin.

MARTIN

It’s in your contract, Dani. You don’t do this, I don’t know. The producers can sue you.

DANI

Can’t they screen who they invite a little better?

MARTIN

We’re living in the information age. They’re trying to catch every possible ticket buyer. Even if it means doing interviews with creepazoids.

DANI

And the film will probably still tank. Who wants to see a tear jerker?

MARTIN

Bill does take off his shirt in it.

DANI

Great. MILFS and gay men will be our audience.

MARTIN

As long as they buy a movie ticket, I don’t care what or who they’re touching in the dark. How about one more and we break for lunch?

DANI

Okay, but if they’re a freak, make it a fast five minutes.

(Martin opens the door. Nancy enters. She looks normal and seems to possess proper social skills.)

NANCY

Hi. I’m next. Oh, hi, Dani. (She sits) Thanks for doing this. I know how hard these press junkets can be. I promise to keep things quick and light. My name’s Nancy and I do entertainment news for WKBM in Minneapolis.

DANI

Nice to meet you, Nancy. Really nice to meet you.

NANCY

So, “Rosalita’s Thunder.” The word around Hollywood is that this is your best performance yet.

DANI

Well, that’s very flattering.

NANCY

And many critics, including this one, are already marking it as a big Oscar contender.

DANI

You saw it?

NANCY

Three times. This film is incredible. Poignant, smart, deeply moving. I have just one more question.

DANI

Shoot.

(Nancy takes a picture out of a folder and holds it out to Dani)

NANCY

Is this a picture of you in an alley outside a nightclub in Shreveport snorting coke off Bill Nielson’s dick?

DANI

Yep.

MARTIN

And that’s time.

(Blackout.)

Week 45, Day 309 - "The First Tea Partiers"

“The First Tea Partiers”

Written by Joe Janes

11/23/09

309 of 365

Cast:

Sam Adams

Colonist One

As many colonists as possible

(Lights up on Sam Adams addressing an angry mob of colonists.)

SAM

This meeting can do nothing further to save the country. Fellow colonists, the British Parliament has imposed upon us a tax on our tea. (Angry mob uproar) A tax imposed upon us without a single American representing us. (Angry mob response)

COLONSIST ONE

But, the Tea Act of 1773 actually reduces the cost of legally imported tea. It will save us money.

(Pause)

SAM

Uh… No taxation without representation! (The mob joins him in chanting) No taxation without representation! No taxation without representation!

(The angry mob starts to storm off.)

COLONIST ONE

Wait! Where’s everyone going?

SAM

We’re going to the ships to dump all the tea in the harbor.

COLONIST ONE

You’re damaging someone else’s property. That’s vandalism. It’s thievery. Not to mention how you’ll also be poisoning the fish in the water. Have you no conscience? You’ll be committing a horrible crime.

(An awkward pause as Sam and the colonists look ashamed.)

SAM

We’ll blame it on Indians!

(The mob cheers as they storm off. Blackout.)

Week 44, Day 308 - "Kick The Can"

“Kick The Can”

Written by Joe Janes

11/22/09

308 of 365

Cast:

Holly, 30s

Duncan, 40s

(Lights up on Duncan, a middle-aged businessman, under a table, hunched down on the floor stacking what appears to be papers. Next to him is a cardboard cigar box. Holly, a middle-aged businesswoman, enters. She has a red mark on her hand. He doesn’t notice. She clears her throat.)

DUNCAN (rising)

Holly Langford! It’s nice to finally meet you.

(Holly reaches out her hand to shake his. He bypasses her hand and punches her on the upper arm in a friendly way.)

HOLLY

Nice too finally meet you, too, Mr. Burris.

DUNCAN

Call me Duncan. Everybody calls me Duncan. Have a seat.

(Holly looks around and doesn’t see any chairs.)

DUNCAN (continuing)

Right here, silly. Under the table.

(He crawls under the table and pats the floor next to him. She reluctantly joins him.)

HOLLY

Being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company must be very stressful…

DUNCAN

I wanted to become a pirate, but Harvard wouldn’t let me declare that as a major.

HOLLY (looking through stack of papers)

Comic books.

DUNCAN

I think it’s important to have hobbies. Do you have a hobby?

HOLLY

I collect Hummels.

DUNCAN

You collect telescopes!

HOLLY

Uh, no. Little figurines.

DUNCAN

Oh, right. You’re a girl.

(Holly picks up something not a comic book.)

HOLLY

Victoria’s Secret?

DUNCAN (grabbing it from her)

Oh, sheesh! Ha! Those guys!

(Duncan picks up the cigar box.)

DUNCAN

Cigar?

HOLLY

No, thank you.

DUNCAN

Mind?

HOLLY

Go right ahead.

(Duncan pulls a pretzel rod out of the cigar box and pretends to light it and blow a smoke ring.)

DUNCAN

Shhh. They’re Cuban. Drink?

HOLLY

I’m not sure.

DUNCAN

I usually take a little snort of scotch this time of day.

HOLLY

Okay.

(Duncan pulls out a small can of chocolate syrup makes two openings in it with a church key. He takes a sip and hands it to her.)

DUNCAN

Single malt.

HOLLY

Thanks.

(Holly takes a small sip and forces a quick smile after.)

DUNCAN

Have some more.

HOLLY

Oh, no. Goes right to my head.

DUNCAN

Lightweight. (Duncan takes a big swig, crawls out and grabs her file from his desk.) Holly, I didn’t ask you here to just drink and smoke and discuss comic books.

HOLLY

I didn’t think so.

DUNCAN

Really? Oh. I’ve been looking over your executive performance review.

HOLLY

Good things, I hope.

DUNCAN

Very good things. Hard worker, strong leadership, keen manager. Not bad for dumb ol’ girl.

HOLLY

Does this mean I’m in line for a promotion?

DUNCAN

Oh, we’ve got lots of goodies lined up for you, Holly. New position, new office, company car and expense account. $20,000 raise. And a perpetually bowl of M & Ms on your desk, but only in the colors you like best. I have green. Would you like us to give you something like that?

HOLLY

Yes, Duncan. Yes, I would.

DUNCAN

Great. Great. I’d like to give it to you.

HOLLY

But…?

DUNCAN

Well, I can’t just hand these opportunities out to every qualified candidate that crosses my path. There’s something you have to do for me first.

HOLLY

Oh.

DUNCAN

Promotions aren’t just handed out willy-nilly. I just need a teensy favor.

HOLLY

What would you like me to do?

DUNCAN

Something special. Something only you can do. Something that really shows your loyalty to the company. To me. Do we understand each other?

HOLLY

You want me…to..show you…my…boobies?

(Duncan grabs a comic book and covers his crotch.)

DUNCAN

Oh! Oh, no! No, no, no, no. Wow! No one’s ever tried to do that before!

HOLLY

What have other people done?

DUNCAN

Everybody does something different. Tate snorted a bowl of lime jell-o through a straw. Nystrom pulled his eyelids inside out. Linstroth is double-jointed and can pull his thumb back to touch his forearm. Don’t you do anything cool like that?

HOLLY

No. I don’t. I’ve never done anything like that. Does that mean I don’t get the promotion?

DUNCAN

Well, I just want to be fair. Everyone else did something. I’m sorry, Holly. If you think of something, though, let me know.

(Holly walks to the door.)

HOLLY

Is it because I’m girl?

DUNCAN

What? No! Clarisse in marketing got a promotion.

HOLLY

Really? Little tiny demure Clarisse? What did she do?

DUNCAN

She painted a face on her belly button and made it tell a joke about a nun with one leg. The joke wasn’t very funny, but she did it in a pirate voice.

HOLLY

I don’t know any jokes, either.

DUNCAN

I don’t know any nuns with one leg.

HOLLY

I guess I’m not cut out for this. (She grabs the doorknob and notices the mark on her hand.) Would you like to see my scab?

DUNCAN

Yah. (She shows him.) Cool. How’d you get it?

HOLLY

I burned myself.

DUNCAN

With a candle? Like G. Gordon Liddy?

HOLLY

With a curling iron. Like a girl.

DUNCAN

That is one of the most awesome scabs I have ever seen.

HOLLY

Thank you.

DUNCAN

Can I pick it?

HOLLY

Pick it?

DUNCAN

Yeah. I want to peel it off. Please, oh, please, oh, please.

HOLLY

Company car, eh?

(Duncan nods. She holds her hand out to him. He peels off the scab with glee.)

HOLLY

Guess I’m now worthy of a promotion, right?

DUNCAN

Almost. (He holds the scab out to her.) Eat it.

(Blackout.)

Week 44, Day 307 - "You Know - Like The End of the World"

“You Know – Like The End of the World”

Written by Joe Janes

11/21/09

307 of 365

CAST:

Peter, late teens

Muriel, late teens

News Anchor, ???

(Lights up on Peter, a nerdy teen who got dressed up, complete with a corsage, escorting Muriel, an emo-goth girl, into his room. SPECIAL NOTE: There is the role of the TV News Anchor which can be done entirely as a voice-over or on stage in a separate playing area>))

PETER

And this is my room, where all the magic happens.

MURIEL

What magic?

PETER

My homework, mostly.

MURIEL

Look, I know we don’t know each other really well, but I appreciate you trying to help me with algebra.

PETER

I am always happy to help a damsel in distress. (He pulls out a chair.) Your throne. (She, of mild disgust, sits.)

MURIEL

Your mom told my mom that you’re really good with math.

PETER

Ha. “Really good” is an understatement, Numbers are my bitches.

MURIEL

I wouldn’t need help if Mr. Othic hadn’t caught me cheating.

PETER

Well, that’s the problem with writing teeny, tiny notes on your shoes. It causes you to squint and stare at your Chuck Taylors.

MURIEL

Why are you dressed up? Did you go to a prom earlier? Or church? Or some church prom?

PETER

No. I just like to dress up when a lady comes to visit.

MURIEL

Whatever.

PETER

Do you mind if I turn on the television? I don’t want to miss the “Lost” marathon.

MURIEL

You like “Lost”?

PETER

Oh, yes, indeed. I find its time paradoxes to be fascinating brain ticklers. Like algebra.

MURIEL

I tried watching it once. I thought it was stupid. Nobody survives a plane crash like that. And a smoke monster? Is that to try to get me to quit cigarettes? Can I smoke in here?

PETER

Normally, I would say yes. But my mom and dad could come home at any moment and they wouldn’t be so understanding. (He turns down the volume.) I’ll keep the volume down. I’ve seen them all before. I just want to see if they include any Easter eggs, like fake commercials for Oceana Airlines. Now, then, did you bring your algebra book?

MURIEL

No. You didn’t say I’d need it.

PETER

I see. Well, fear not. I, Peter the Awesome, am always prepared. I have kept copies of my textbooks over the years and have my algebra book from last year. (He goes to a bookshelf) Here we go.

MURIEL

You’re not supposed to keep your book.

PETER

You’re not supposed to cheat on tests, either.

MURIEL

Don’t you end up paying a fine for not returning the book?

PETER

Which my father gladly pays for… sucker.

(They hear a high-pitched tone coming from the television. Then a squawking sound. Then the voice of an exasperated announcer.)

ANNOUNCER (VO)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT a test. I repeat, this is NOT a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is an actual emergency. We’re getting news reports from all corners of the globe. The polar ice caps have melted. Repeat, they have melted, raising tide levels all over the world. Every know active volcano has erupted and is spewing lava, every known fault line has shifted and earthquakes are all registering a devastating ten on the Richter Scale, wild fires, tsunamis, tidal waves, hurricanes. Every known natural disaster is now bearing down upon this planet.

PETER

Oh my God.

MURIEL

That’s horrible.

PETER

It’s a good thing we’re in Kansas. I don’t think any of those things will affect us.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

More horrible news is coming in, ladies and gentleman. Oh, this is just horrible. On tip of these natural disasters, swine flu seems to have quadrupled in strength. We’re getting reports of swine flu, sars, west Nile, every conceivable type of flu is falling mankind.

MURIEL

Oh, Peter.

(Muriel grabs on to Peter, who likes that she did that.)

PETER

Don’t worry, Muriel. I’ll protect you.

MURIEL

How can you protect me from the flu?

PETER

I have plenty of free time and often run doomsday scenarios here in my bedroom. (He pulls back his closet door.) Here I have a bounty of survival needs. Cliff bars, bottled water, a filter for turning urine into water, gallons of hand sanitizer, toilet paper, a CB radio and a battery-powered PlayStation 3.

MURIEL

What about a gun, for protection?

PETER

I have nun-chucks.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

Ladies and gentleman, I keep hoping I can break in with some good news, but, I’m afraid, I only have more. The moon has broken its orbit and is hurtling towards us. Flying saucers are hovering over all major cities blasting major buildings and landmarks with some massive laser-like weapon. The dead are coming back to life and feasting on the living. It’s unclear if these two incidents are related. And this just is, the skies have cracked open and the air force reports seeing four men on horseback riding across the stratosphere looking intent. I’m not sure what that means, but that is the word used, intent. Maybe they meant intense.

MURIEL

Peter, what are we going to do?

PETER

We’ll be safe in here. I’ll lock all the doors and windows (He does this as he speaks.) Muriel, if we survive this…

MURIEL

Yes?

PETER

Well, we may have to repopulate the planet.

MURIEL

Okay. Can we do that later?

PETER

Um, sure. I’m not saying it just to, you know, have my way with you. I’m being practical. We’re young, we’re fertile, we may be mankind’s only hope.

MURIEL

I really don’t want to think about it, right now, Peter. The world is crumbling around us.

PETER

I’m sorry to harp on it, but just in case something should happen to me. I want you to know we’re still covered.

MURIEL

I have no idea what you’re talking about. If you die, you’ll become a zombie and I’ll have to beat your brains in with num-chucks. Which I am willing to do.

(Peter pulls out a small Styrofoam ice chest from the closet.)

PETER

This ice chest is filled with over a hundred vials of my nectar. (He takes off the lid.)

MURIEL

You keep your own… in old prescription bottles?

PETER

I told you. I’m prepared for any doomsday scenario. Whatever you don’t use, you might be able to sell on the black market. If there are other survivors, they’ll want to start giving birth to geniuses. And here’s a turkey baster! I put a ribbon on it.

MURIEL

I’m having a hard time dealing with all this, Peter. The last thing I want to think about is popping out little Peters to repopulate the planet.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

As if things couldn’t get any worse, folks, poisonous giant spiders are climbing our television tower. We’ll be off the air soon. Apparently, giant spiders are crawling all over electric systems all over the world and are about to knock out all electronic communications grids. The consequences of this will surely be the final nail in humanity’s coffin. We’ll all be cut off from one another as all airplanes currently in flight drop from the skies like dead birds. Dead birds struck down in flight. Falling like rocks. Rocks shaped like dead birds. Or large airplanes. What’s this under my desk? Snakes! Snakes! Motherfucking sna-

(The announcer is cut off and all we hear is fuzz. The lights cut off in Peter’s room. He quickly lights a portable lantern. He and Muriel stare at one another and hold hands over the lamp. We hear the sound of an airplane falling from the sky. It gets louder and louder. They run to the window to look. They see it crash in a big ball of fire.)

MURIEL

See. No survivors.

(Blackout.)