Week 48, Day 332 - "A Christmas Story"

“A Christmas Story”

Written by Joe Janes

12/16/09

332 of 365

Cast

Alan, 50s

Cheryl, 50s

Ron, 20s,

Gene, 30s

Alice, 30s

(Lights up on Alan and Cheryl’s living room. Alan and Cheryl sit on the sofa, Ron is slumped down in a chair. They are watching the movie “A Christmas Story.”)

GENE (off)

Ho, ho, ho!

CHERYL

Oh, Gene’s here.

(Gene and Alice enter. Cheryl gets up and greets them.)

ALAN (getting up)

Oh!

GENE

Hi, Mom. Dad.

CHERYL

You look so tall.

GENE

I have no idea why. Pretty sure I stopped growing upwards a decade or so ago.

CHERYL

Well, you look taller.

ALAN

Leave the boy alone. You must be Alice.

ALICE

Hi.

ALAN

Come in, come in. Have a seat.

CHERYL

You must be tired after such a long drive.

GENE

We flew in.

CHERYL

Oh, that’s nice.

(Alan, Cheryl and Alice have a seat on the sofa. Gene remains standing. There’s no room for him to sit. Cheryl and Alan resume watching TV. Ron has never stopped.)

ALICE

“A Christmas Story.” I love that movie.

ALAN

So, do we.

CHERYL

We watch it every year.

GENE

Is that the DVD I got you last year?

ALAN

Naw. It’s the TV.

(Everyone stares at the TV for a moment. Alice looks over to Gene with a look of concern.)

GENE

That is my brother Ron.

ALICE

Hi, Ron.

(Ron grunts.)

GENE

How’s the job hunt?

(Ron grunts, again.)

CHERYL

Oh, it’s tough out there.

ALAN

Tough in here. Especially when I need the bathroom or find the last beer gone.

CHERYL

Oh, Alan.

ALAN

Oh, Cheryl.

CHERYL

He’s trying.

ALAN

That he is.

(Everyone starts watching the television, again. Ron has never stopped.)

ALICE

I’ve heard so much about you two.

ALAN

Good things, I hope.

ALICE

Very good.

CHERYL

Oh, that’s nice.

(Everyone starts watching the television, again. Ron has never stopped.)

GENE

Hey, looks like the movie’s over. You guys want to go get some pizza or-

ALAN

It’s starting, again.

CHERYL (to Alice)

They show it over and over for 24 hours.

ALICE

How long have you been watching?

CHERYL

Since breakfast.

(Everyone starts watching the television, again. Ron has never stopped. Gene picks up the remote from the coffee table and turns the television off. Everyone looks at him stunned.)

RON

That was rude.

GENE

I only see you guys once a year. This time, I brought a girl. One I really, really like. It would be nice if she got to know my family better than the television.

(Everyone is silent. Alan looks at his watch.)

ALAN

Did you want to watch something else?

CHERYL

Did you want to watch your DVD?

GENE

No. I want to visit.

CHERYL

Okay, dear. We’ll visit.

ALAN

Sure.

CHERYL

Gosh, you sure are pretty.

ALICE

Thanks.

ALAN

Better looking than the last one he brought home. The lesbian.

GENE

She wasn’t a lesbian. She was a vegetarian.

ALAN

Six of one-

CHERYL

Are you a vegetarian? Because I don’t think we have anything you can eat.

ALICE

I’m not a vegetarian.

ALAN

What’s wrong with you, then?

GENE

Dad, nothing’s wrong with her. She’s great.

ALAN

Just pulling your chain, Son.

GENE

Chain pulled, Dad. Thanks.

(Everyone stares at the television, again, even though nothing’s on. Ron has never stopped.)

GENE (continuing)

Hey, how about this? Let’s get out of this room.

ALAN

What’s wrong with this room? I like this room.

GENE

Let’s go sit around the dinner table.

ALICE (getting up)

That sounds like a great idea.

CHERYL (getting up)

I’ll have to dust it off and move the magazines.

ALICE

Do you have any coffee? We could drink some coffee and chat.

CHERYL

I do have coffee. Can you drink that with your diet? (Alice nods.)

(Alice and Cheryl exit.)

GENE

Come on, Dad. Let’s go get caught up.

ALAN (getting up)

Oh! Guess I could use a cup of Joe.

GENE

It’s good to see you, Dad.

ALAN

Yah, yah, yah.

(They exit. Ron stays seated. Still looking at the TV, but looking silently angry. Cheryl comes back out and turns on the television.)

RON

Thank you.

(Cheryl kisses him on the head and exits. Ron grunts. Lights fade.)

Week 48, Day 331 - "Free Hugs"

“Free Hugs”

Written by Joe Janes

12/16/09

331 of 365

Cast

Harry, 30s

Smudge, 30s

Baby Candy, 20s

(Lights up on a street corner. Harry, a cute, nebbish man is holding a handmade sign that says “Free Hugs.” He stands there until someone in the audience is brave enough to come up and get a hug from him. After one, likely another person will join in. When a third person comes, Smudge, a pimp and Baby Candy, his ho, enter. Smudge taps Harry on the shoulder with his walking stick. He indicates he wants some money. Smudge and Baby Candy chase off anyone waiting for a hug. Smudge bitch slaps the Harry to the ground and takes his wallet. He takes the money and throws the wallet away. He sends Baby Candy offstage. Smudge takes the man’s sign and tears it up. Baby Candy returns with a new sign and gives it to the hug guy. The pimp and ho exit, but not without a severe look of warning. Harry gets up and holds up the new sign. It says “Nasty Hugs - $20.” An overweight, sloppy pervy guy enters, sees the man and licks his lips as he seductively pulls out a twenty. Lights fade.)

Week 48, Day 330 - "So Help Me God"

“So Help Me God”

Written by Joe Janes

12/14/09

330 of 365

Cast

Judge, 50s

Mr. Webb, 30s

Bailiff, 30s

(Lights up on Judge, Mr. Webb and Bailiff in a court of law. The bailiff is swearing in Mr. Webb.)

BALIFF

Raise your right hand. (He does.) Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

WEBB

No.

BALIFF

Uh…judge?

JUDGE

Mr. Webb, you really need to in order for us to proceed.

WEBB

I’m not trying to hold things up, your honor. I just don’t believe in God.

(There is an uproar, real or imagined, in the court. The judge flips out with his gavel.)

JUDGE

Order! Order in the court! Another outburst like that and I’ll clear this courtroom so fast you’ll wonder how the hell you got outside without moving your legs! (Back to serene judge) You don’t believe in the lord almighty, Mr. Webb?

WEBB

No, your honor. I do not. No disrespect intended.

JUDGE

None taken. None taken. But you see our dilemma here, right?

WEBB

You need to swear me in.

JUDGE

Exactly.

BALIFF

Otherwise, your whole testimony could be a lie.

(Another outburst. The judge flips out on his gavel, again.)

JUDGE (standing)

Jesus H. Christ on a stick! I’ll call for the county busses and make all of you spend the night in jail to contemplate your unseemly behavior! One cell! One cell for all of you. With only one toilet. The kind without any privacy. (Sits) Don’t push the robe! (Back to serene.) Tell me, Mr. Webb. How can you assure us that your testimony will be the truth?

WEBB

Can’t I just promise?

JUDGE

We need a teensy bit more assurance. The thing about God is that you’re telling the utmost authority over everything that you’re going to tell it like it is.

WEBB

I will tell it like it is.

JUDGE

I believe you. We just need some collateral. Fearing the wrath of (points up) does the trick for most people. You don’t believe there’s a higher power running the big show?

WEBB

No, your honor. I think all there is, is all there is. No heaven, no hell, no afterlife.

JUDGE

Anything you do believe in?

WEBB

I believe a man is his word.

JUDGE

Well, okay then. We can work with that. Bailiff?

BALIFF

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you you?

WEBB

I do.

(Uproar in the court. Judge flips.)

JUDGE

That’s it! That’s it! Out of my courtroom! Everyone out! Out! (The all three look out at the audience.)

BALIFF

No one’s leaving, Judge.

JUDGE

I can see that.

WEBB

I guess they don’t believe you.

BAILIFF

I could swear you in. (Judge holds up his hand) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Mr. Webb?

JUDGE

I do. (uproar – extreme gaveling) Order! Order!

(Blackout.)

Week 47, Day 329 - "Grosseries"

“Grosseries”

Written by Joe Janes

12/13/09

329 of 365

CAST

Seth, teens

Ben, 20s

Chastity, 20s

(Lights up on Ben and Chastity at a checkout counter. The Seth, the clerk is totally up their groceries as Ben hands what he can for Chastity to hold.)

SETH

And you total is eighty dollars and seventy-five cents.

(Ben pays Seth.)

CHASTITY

That’s a lot.

BEN

Really not bad for a week’s worth of groceries.

SETH

Here’s your change…

CHASTITY

At a grocery store. Except you insist on shopping at movie theater concession stands.

SETH

And a coupon for fifty cents off a jumbo nacho combo on your next visit.

BEN (To Chastity)

Hello, coupons.

CHASTITY

Wait. We need toilet paper.

BEN

Napkins, please. (Seth hands Ben a few napkins.) Keep ‘em coming.

(Blackout.)

Week 47, Day 328 - "Settling Down"

“Settling Down”

Written by Joe Janes

12/12/09

328 of 365

CAST

Noreen, 30s

Wade. 30s

(Lights up on Noreen and Wade sitting on a sofa eating dinner off the coffee table. We hear “Wheel of Fortune” lightly on the television. They stare at the television and eat slowly, methodically, without much thought. They are very deadpan.)

NOREEN

Dinner’s good.

WADE

It’s leftovers.

(They continue eating and watching television.)

WADE (continuing)

I’m probably not going to get anyone better than you.

NOREEN

I was thinking the same thing.

WADE

You’re the best possible woman I am able to attract. And I’m probably as good as it gets for you.

NOREEN

I’ve had better.

WADE

Me, too. (Beat) Those people are gone.

NOREEN

It doesn’t get any better than this.

(They continue eating and watching television. Noreen turns and looks at Wade. He puts his fork down and turns to look at her.)

NOREEN

We should get married.

WADE

Okay.

(They resume eating and watching television.)

WADE

We should probably celebrate.

NOREEN

There are grape popsicles in the freezer.

WADE

Score.

(They continue eating and watching the television as lights fade.)

Week 47, Day 327 - "Bunny"

“Bunny”

Written by Joe Janes

12/11/09

327 of 365

CAST:

Nic, teens (Nic)

Samantha, teens (Corey)

Cameron, teens (Michael)

(Lights up on Nic running through a forest at night. He is visibly upset and crying. He finds the stump of a fallen tree on which to collapse into his sobbing self. He hears a wolf baying in the distance; he stops and listens to the night. Nothing. He begins to sob, again. Samantha emerges from the shadows.)

SAMANTHA

Nic.

(Nic is startled and stands back.)

NIC

Samantha. You found me.

SAMANTHA

I smelled you.

(Nic smells his pits.)

SAMANTHA (continuing)

I smelled your blood.

NIC

But – I’m not bleeding.

SAMANTHA (inhaling deeply)

It’s yours. I’d know it anywhere. (Samantha touches his cheek and he turns away from her.) Your date must not be going well for you to run off like that.

NIC

I saw you stalking me. You can’t come between us, Samantha.

SAMANTHA

You say that with your lips, but your eyes tell me something else.

NIC

My eyes lie through their sockets.

(Cameron enters.)

CAMERON

Nic. There you are.

NIC

Cameron.

CAMERON

Hello, Samantha.

NIC

She was just saying good-bye.

SAMANTHA

No, Nic. I won’t say good-bye. If you never want to see me, again, then you must be the one to walk away.

(Nic looks at her and turns away in anguish.)

NIC

It can’t work between us, Samantha.

SAMANTHA

You can’t deny our love.

CAMERON

Hello, you’re a vampire.

SAMANTHA

I know what I am.

CAMERON

You drink blood to survive. You’ll eat him.

SAMANTHA

I can control myself, Nic.

CAMERON

You say that now, but what if you get married some day. You’d come home some night after a long day, “Hey, nothing in the fridge, what the hell am I going to gnosh on? Oh, yeah. My husband, the walking juice box.” Chomp and sip!

SAMANTHA (to Nic)

I would never drain the sweet blood from your rich, throbbing veins. …I could just take enough to make you just like me. If you wanted…

NIC

I don’t want to be like you, Samantha. I want to be a normal high school student and do normal high school student things like build a float, eat too much pizza, get caught masturbating by my mother while watching her Jane Fonda aerobics videos – wait, that one I did. I want to be a normal, sexually confused, high school student. And I want to date normal high school students. Like Cameron.

(Samantha laughs.)

CAMERON

What’s so funny, Samantha?

SAMANTHA

He thinks you’re normal.

CAMERON

I am normal.

SAMANTHA

Really, Cameron? Maybe you didn’t notice what’s up there creeping out from behind the clouds.

NIC

A full moon?

CAMERON

No! No! I was so excited about our date I forgot to check the calendar.

NIC

Cameron! Cameron! What’s happening? Let me hold you.

CAMERON

Stay away!

(Cameron pushes Nic away and he falls into Samantha’s arms. Cameron rips open his shirt and turns into a werewolf.)

NIC

Oh, no! Oh, no!

(Cameron starts growling at Samantha. His growls get bigger and he looks like he’s about to spring on her when Nic comes over and smacks him on the snout. He yelps.)

CAMERON

What’d you do that for?

NIC

Do you know what it’s like? Do you have any idea what it’s like to fall in love with someone and find out that they’re a vampire? And now I find out the new guy I’m dating is a werewolf!

CAMERON

I was going to tell you.

NIC

When, Cameron? When?

CAMERON

I usually tell on the third date.

NIC

Which is tonight.

CAMERON

Ta-dah! Nic – I – I –

NIC

Don’t say it.

CAMERON

I love you.

NIC

No!

SAMANTHA

Stand back, Nic. I’ll take care of this mutt.

CAMERON

Think a bat can win a fight with a wolf?

SAMANTHA

I think we’re going to find out.

(Samantha and Cameron begin to tangle. They fight much like you would expect wolf-like and bat-like creatures to fight. It crescendos with Cameron humping Samantha’s leg.)

SAMANTHA

Get off me, creep!

CAMERON

I-I-I can’t stop. Once I start, I can’t stop. (He begins to howl. She kicks him off. He yelps. They stand off from one another for a beat then tackle one another. They end up biting one another’s leg.)

CAMERON AND SAMANTHA

Ow!!!! You bit me!!!

(They break off from one another. Nic is torn as to which one to tend to.)

CAMERON

Nic, help me.

SAMANTHA

Nic. Help me.

CAMERON

Oh, God.

SAMANTHA

I don’t believe it.

(They both scream and writhe in pain. Samantha rips open her shirt and turns into a werewolf/vampire while Cameron becomes a vampire/werewolf.)

SAMANTHA

You bastard, you turned me into a werewolf.

CAMERON

Now, I have to deal with being a vampire, too. You bitch.

NIC

You two are just really not good candidates for dating.

CAMERON (sniffing the air)

I can smell your blood more than ever.

SAMANTHA

Yes, Nic. Your blood. It’s so intense.

CAMERON

You’re not bleeding.

NIC

Well, no. Not really.

SAMANTHA

You smell like Coach Webber when she’s being crabby.

CAMERON

You mean when she’s-

SAMANTHA

Nic!

NIC

It’s Nicolette. I have a vagina.

CAMERON

But – I don’t like those.

SAMANTHA

Neither do I. When were you going to tell us?

NIC (weakly)

Ta-dah.

(Pause)

CAMERON

I don’t think I can deal with this.

NIC

My family just moved to town a month ago. (To Samantha) When you saved me from being crushed by that golf cart you thought I was a boy because my dad insists on cutting my hair to save money and he is very bad at it. I didn’t want to lose you, so I lived a lie. But I’m still Nic, on the inside.

CAMERON

Not really.

SAMANTHA

A lack of penis just isn’t what I’m looking for in a forbidden love.

(Pause)

CAMERON (To Samantha)

The soccer team is partying at the quarry. Want to come?

SAMANTHA

Those douche bags?

CAMERON

If it’s lame, we can maul them.

SAMANTHA

Anything’s better than here.

(They give Nic a dirty look and exit.)

NIC

You can pretend I tuck.

(Nic starts crying again and collapses on the tree stump. Off in the distance he hears two wolves howling at the moon.)

CAMERON (off)

Aw, look, a bunny!

SAMANTHA (off)

That is so cute.

CAMERON (off)

Let’s drink its blood and then eat it!

SAMANTHA (off)

Get your fangs out of my mind and into that bunny’s jugular.

(We hear them laugh and then attack and devour the bunny. When they finish, Nic goes back to crying. He stops for a moment.)

NIC

Ow. Cramps.

(Lights fade as Nic cries and the wolves howl at a greater distance.)

See Sketch 327 Live!

Sketch 327 will be performed tonight as a part of Columbia College's 24 Play Festival in the Classic Studio, 72 East 11th at 8pm. It's free and open to the public, but get there early to get a seat. It always fills up. It's an insanely good time.