Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Needs A Job

Okay, folks. You know I love to teach and I would hate to leave it. I will probably always do it in some form. And as much as I enjoy the freelance projects, it's time to get a job. A job job. One with a salary and benefits. I need a reliable base salary and I need health insurance. (I looked up quotes yesterday and any decent health insurance is going to cost me at least $300 a month.)

Ideally, I'll get a job at a company I already enjoy and think is cool. Someplace that I can invest in and grow. In that job, I'll be able to use my writing skills and humor, but I'm open to anything. If you work someplace you think is cool and there's a job opening, let me know. I'm fun to have around. I'm on time. I clean up well. I like to do a good job. I'll show up at company events. Leave you presents on your desk. Like a cat leaves a dead mouse on the doorstep kind of present, but with candy.

I'll probably steal office supplies, but consider that a contribution to the arts.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Florida lawmakers are in the process of possibly passing a bill that prevents drivers in that state from displaying what?"

37% said "Replicas of Human Genitalia"
- As long as they are built to scale and educational, they are okay with this.

25% said "Guns"
- Are you kidding? This is Florida. Even the hearses have gun racks.

13% said "Religious Icons"
- They don't care, just as long as it's Christian.

25% got it right with "Ornamental Bull Testicles"

According to The Associated Press, metal replicas of bull testicles have become trendy bumper ornaments in some parts of the Sunshine State, but state Sen. Carey Baker is campaigning to ban the orbs. A similar bill in Virginia, aimed at rubber trailer hitch replicas of human genitalia, died in committee this year.

This is, again, a case of the government treating the symptom and not looking for a cure. A question to ask is, "Who the hell wants to have metal bull balls or rubber weenies on their trucks?" Trucks are supposed to compensate for having a small penis and, with the exception of the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile, not actually look like one.

The product line is called Bumper Nuts. And they come in all sorts of colors. Not sure why anyone would want to go with blue. Michigan fan?


Nat Topping said...

Come come now Joe. Have you never heard of "blue balls?"

Pete Best said...

Joe, you should get back into nursing. Ok, I know you were never really a nurse, but the first time I saw you was onstage in 1982 in Who's Life is it Anyway? and you were very convincing as a nurse. You had a great bedside manner, knew when to change the hanging bags of liquids and you filled out the clipboard a the foot of the bed with an unmistakable flair. I don't know if playing a nurse in a play 26 years ago will get you into nursing school, but it may help. Besides, you looked great in scrubs.

Don Hall said...

With that in mind, why not a Military Psychiatrist? You looked damn sexy in the uniform.


Scrubs? Military Uniform?

How 'bout a male stripper?

Crustodio said...

Since you're too late to invent the Bull Ball Trailer Hitch Ornament(tm), I'd think about advertising.

The hours suck. There's not a ton of job security. Great ideas get shot down on a daily basis. Just like comedy.

On the other side, there is health insurance. There are often babes at the office. And you get paid to think about big ideas.

I would pay to have you as one of my writers, if I could. Hopefully someone in Chicago can be convinced of the same. Call me if you want to know what to do about it.

Even better, I just got an email from Nigeria that could make us both richer than the queen of england.

Joe Janes said...

Thanks for the suggestions, fellas. I have decided to apply for surgeon general under the Bush administration. My lack of qualifications and ability to look professional make me a shoe in.

Paul - any suggestion you have about weaseling my way into advertising in Chicago would be greatly appreciated.

- Joe