The Legend of Pecos Bill

Robot vs Dinosaur did a flurry of writing for The Greatest Stories Never Told. I was lucky to get one of my pieces in retelling the tall tale of Pecos Bill. I actually wrote two or three years ago for a Teatro Bastardo project. It's quite an undertaking and not an easy fit for a typical sketch revue. It worked just fine in TGSNT, though. I had fun researching it. I knew the Disney version of Pecos Bill, but didn't know about his tendency towards drinking whiskey and nails or that he shot his gal pal - for her own good, of course. Enjoy.

The Legend of Pecos Bill
Written by Joe Janes
third draft

CAST

Young Whizzle
Dirk /Widowmaker
Jaspar /Catfish
Durango/Moon
Pecos Bill
Slue-foot Sue


(Lights up on cowboys around a campfire. Young Whizzle tools around with a harmonica.)

DIRK

Good riding today, boys. But we’re going to have to get up early if we’re going to get the cattle to Denver on time.

JASPAR

We still have to go through tornado alley, Dirk.

DURANGO

Too bad Pecos Bill ain’t here, Jasper. He’d grab a twister by the tail and whip it over to Tulsa.

JASPAR

Who in tarnation is Pecos Bill, Durango?

YOUNG WHIZZLE

He’s the dirtiest rat ever rode the range. He stole my gal and then he shot her.

DURANGO

Come on, Young Whizzle. Pecos Bill would never do that.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Be careful of falling in love, boys. Trying to tame a woman’s heart is like trying to break a wild horse.

DIRK

It just ends up breaking another part of your anatomy.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Have another cup of cowboy juice and let me tell you about it. You all remember about five years back, I was dating a little philly from up north. I was woo-ing her from afar. Her name was Sue. Slue-foot Sue.

DURANGO

Sure. I heard of her. She and Pecos Bill -

JASPAR

Why’d they call her Slue Foot?

DURANGO

Cuz her feet were slue-like. Idiot.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

You girlies want to talk pee-dahl deformities, or hear my story of pain and woe?

DURANGO AND JASPAR

Pain and woe.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Well, I finally talked Sue into coming to marrying me. Only, she didn’t have no horse, so, she found herself a catfish as big as a whale and rode it down the Mississipp. That’s where those feet of slue come in handy.

JASPAR

That don’t seem very practical. Trains and stagecoaches are fairly reliable.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

She never made it. She stopped to water her catfish, and who do you think she runs into…?

(Lights up on Pecos Bill and his horse, Widowmaker eyeing Slue-foot Sue.)

PECOS

Well, well, well. Lookie here, Widowmaker. We got us a little girlie what likes to ride catfish.

SLUE

Who the hell might you be?

PECOS

Maam, I be Pecos Bill. This here’s my ride, Widowmaker.

SLUE

Why do they call him Widowmaker?

PECOS

Oh, you know, some names just stick. (He and Widowmaker have a good laugh over this.)

SLUE

I bet I could ride him.

PECOS

He’d throw you so high we’d have to scrape that pretty little face of yours off the moon.

SLUE

I’ve been straddling a 300 pound slippery catfish between my legs for three days, I think I can handle your Widowmaker.

PECOS

Your prowess with a bottom feeder is impressive. Would you like to sip from my canteen? (He hands it to her. She sips.)

SLUE

My favorite. (She shakes it – it sounds like there’s pieces of metal inside.)

PECOS AND SLUE

Whiskey and nails.

(They sigh and look at one another.)

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Needless to say, they fell in love. Slue done forgot all about me. The catfish married them in a civil ceremony.

(Lights up on Catfish marrying Slue and Pecos with Widowmaker standing in as the best man.)

CATFISH

I now pronounce you cowboy and cowgirl. You may now commence to whoopin’ it up.

(Slue and Pecos and Widowmaker all start shooting their guns and commence to “whoopping.”)

YOUNG WHIZZLE

They whooped it up for weeks. Then one morning…

(Lights up on Slue, Pecos, Widowmaker and the Catfish all in bed.)

SLUE

Pecos, darlin’, it’s a pretty morning out.

PECOS

Uh-hunh.

SLUE

Nice morning to go for a ride.

PECOS

Uh-hunh.

SLUE

On a horse.

PECOS

I don’t know, Sue…

SLUE

You love that horse more than me.

PECOS

I’ve known him longer, but if it means that much to you…

SLUE

Yeah! Thank you, Bill! C’mon Widowmaker, we’re going for a ride!

(Sue leads Widowmaker behind a "hill" on stage.)

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Needless to say, it wasn’t a very good idear. Widowmaker was named Widowmaker for a reason. If anyone but Bill hopped on his back, he’d clench up. He’d become like a tightly wound spring ready to snap.

PECOS

Be careful up there, Sue. Ride him easy. Don’t use your spurs.

SLUE

Yee-haw!!! (Her elongated “yee-haw” fades off)

PECOS

Oh, no! Sue! Sue!

(Widow-maker runs back on stage and joins Pecos. They watch Slue - a small doll version - pop up behind the mountain and hit the moon and return to earth and bounce.)

PECOS (cont’d)

She’s bouncing too high, she hit her head on the moon.

MOON (whenever hit by Slue)

Ow…Ow…Ow…Ow…Ow…Ow…

SLUE (off)

Help me, Pecos Bill!

PECOS

She’s just going to keep bouncing. If I don’t do something, she’ll be up there forever. She’ll starve to death.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

So, to prevent Sue from starving to death, Pecos Bill thought it best to just shoot her.

JASPAR

That don’t seem very practical.

PECOS (taking aim)

Don’t worry, Slue. I’ll take care of you.

SLUE

Thank, God, Bill. I think there’s some rope- (he shoots) Ow!

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Now, Pecos Bill may be the greatest cowboy ever when it comes to ropin’ and herdin’ and tangling with twisters, but he was a lousy shot.

(Bill takes more shots at Slue and we hear her, and the moon, saying “Ow!” Widowmaker and Catfish join in trying to shoot her.)

YOUNG WHIZZLE (cont’d)

Eventually, one of them got lucky and Sue drew her last breath.

SLUE

…Ow…I love you, Pecos Bill.

JASPAR

The last thing she says is “I love you” to a guy who shot her for bouncing?

DURANGO

Women.

DIRK

Go figure.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

So, that’s why I think Pecos Bill is a lousy rat. He stole my gal from me and then he killed her. If I ever cross paths with him, well, it ain’t gonna end up purty.

(We hear a fierce wind. A twister hits the camp and the cowboys all start spinning around. It suddenly stops.)

DIRK

What in tarnation was that?

JASPAR

We got hit by a twister, but then it just, left.

DURANGO

Pecos Bill! He must have grabbed it by it’s tail and throwed it across the state. He saved our lives.

SLUE (enters)

It weren’t no Pecos Bill.

YOUNG WHIZZLE

Sue! I thought you were dead. I thought Pecos Bill shot you.

SLUE

He did, but he’s a lousy shot. It didn’t kill me. A twister came through a few days later and knocked me back to the ground. Since then, I learnt to tame them.

JASPAR

You saved our lives.

SLUE

I reckon I did.

DURANGO

How can we repay you?

YOUNG WHIZZLE

I sure wouldn’t mind picking up where we left off, Sue.

SLUE

You can repay me by telling me where I can find Pecos Bill.

JASPAR

Ah, revenge!

SLUE

No, I still love him. I miss him horribly. I hope he’ll forgive me for making him shoot me.

(Dirk shoots her.)

DIRK

Women.

Lights out.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to Rev. Jose Funes, the Vatican says it's okay to believe in what?"

Nobody went for the answers "The Devil," "Mormans" or "Santa Claus"
100% got it right with "Extra-Terrestials"

According to The Associated Press, the Vatican's chief astronomer says that believing in aliens does not contradict faith in God.

The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, says that the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones.

Funes says that such a notion "doesn't contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God's creatures.

And being God's creatures that also means we get to eat them.




(Entitled Salad, this painting by Till Nowak was in the art exhibit side of Emerging Technologies.)