Monday, February 16, 2009

Week Five, Day Twenty-Nine - "Public Hair"

“Public Hair”
Written by Joe Janes
2/16/09
29 of 365


DEREK, 30s
MOLLY, 30s
BROOKE, 20s


(Lights up on Molly and Derek sitting in a small café. Derek holds up a glass of wine.)

DEREK
So far, so good.

MOLLY
So far, so good.

(They toast.)

DEREK
I know it’s only been two months, but I feel pretty good about this.

MOLLY
Me, too.

DEREK
Molly, you have been a very pleasant surprise in my life. I wasn’t looking and, poof, you show up. And it’s been great, hasn’t it?

MOLLY
Yes, it’s been great, Derek. Just great.

DEREK
No complaints?

MOLLY
Nope. None. I think everything’s going well.

DEREK
Me, too.

(Brooke enters with their salads.)

BROOKE
Two house salads. Can I bring you anything else?

DEREK
We’re celebrating our two-month anniversary.

BROOKE
You’ve been married two months?

MOLLY
No.

DEREK
Just dating, but who knows…

BROOKE
That’s nice.

DEREK
And neither of us have any complaints about the other.

BROOKE (nods)
Still nice.

(Awkward moment. She exits.)

DEREK
Molly, I know this sounds crazy, but I have to tell you. I feel like I may have found my soul mate.

MOLLY
Brooke, the waitress?

DEREK
No, Silly Bear. You. Don’t you feel the same way?

MOLLY
Soul mate? Yeah. Sure. Sure I do, soul mate.

(Derek touches and stops her forearm as she is in the middle of bringing a fork full of salad to her mouth)

DEREK
I want my brain to take a snapshot and remember this moment forever.

MOLLY
Che-e-e-e-se?

(Derek laughs.)

DEREK
Molly – I know we don’t have any complaints about one another, but let’s play a game. If you did have a complaint about me, what would it be?

MOLLY
Um, well, I don’t know. I’ll tell you what I hate.

DEREK
What?

MOLLY
This… salad. Look. There are so many greens in it, that I have to poke around to find anything else. Like, where’s the baby carrot? I can’t find the baby carrot. It’s like I’m trying to find buried treasure in a thick forest of green pubic hair. You know what I mean?

DEREK
Sure. I guess. I think the analogy broke down a bit, but sure.

MOLLY
Then you agree with my metaphor?

DEREK
Analogy. Yes. Sure. There’s too much pubic hair in my salad.

MOLLY
Then you’ll do something about it?

DEREK
You bet I will. Brooke?

MOLLY
What are you doing?

(Brooke enters.)

BROOKE
Yes?

DEREK
Brooke, our salads have too much pubic hair in them.

BROOKE
What? Are you serious?

MOLLY
No. No, no, Brooke. The salads are fine.

DEREK
Then what were you talking about?

MOLLY
Your pubic hair, Derek. Not the salad. I was using the salad as a metaphor.

DEREK
Analogy.

MOLLY
Whatever. You…You, Derek…Not the salad…have way too much pubic hair.

(Another awkward pause)

BROOKE
I’ll go check on your entrees.

(She exits.)

DEREK
What do you mean I have too much pubic hair? I have just as much as any other man.

MOLLY
That’s actually not true, Derek. Some guys do some “gardening” down there.

DEREK
You want me to shave my junk? Molly, I’m a little uncomfortable taking a blade to that area.

MOLLY
It doesn’t have to be shaving. Trimming. Clipping.

DEREK
I’ve never done that.

MOLLY
No kidding. You shed more than my cat.

DEREK
This really bothers you.

MOLLY
Yes, it does. You see how I keep my…salad.

DEREK
Yes. Very neatly cropped.

MOLLY
I just want some common courtesy.

DEREK
I don’t think I can do a landing strip.

MOLLY
Not asking for anything fancy, Derek. Just, you know, a haircut, but down there.

DEREK
And that’s your only complaint?

MOLLY
The only one.

DEREK
Swearsies?

MOLLY
Swearsies.

DEREK
Then, okay. I’ll do it. Next time you see my salad, you’ll be able to find my…Hey, was the baby carrot my penis?

MOLLY
Like you said, not a perfect analogy.

DEREK
Metaphor. Well, if that’s the only thing keeping us from being happy, I’m in, Silly Bear.

(Brooke enters with their entrees.)


BROOKE (Setting plate in front of Molly.)
Grilled Tuna with Shaved Parmesan. (Sets plate in front of Derek.) Black Forest Ham with Baby Carrots and Extra Chives. Can I get you anything else?

(They don’t answer. They just stare at their food. Awkward pause. Brooke exits.)

MOLLY
And don’t call me Silly Bear.

DEREK
But-

MOLLY
Do it, again, and I’ll stab you with my fork.

DEREK
Okee-dokee.

(They start to eat. Lights fade.)

11 comments:

Don Hall said...

Right on the money!

idjar said...

Wonderful wordplay. Thanks for reminding me, need to do some MANtenance, myself.

Joe Janes said...

Don't forget to crop dust, as well.

x beats x said...

freaking hilarious! :)

I too would stab someone with a fork if they called me Silly Bear. haha.

Anonymous said...

Love it!
MJ

Paul said...

Damn. Perfect.

beechoak said...

Hysterical! Love the entres!

Henri D said...

Put it in the Can!

Comment on Comment:
Crop dust is to break wind as you walk and "crop dust" those around you, is that what you meant?

Alibear said...

I full-on enjoyed this! Curiously...as we actors are always looking for fresh, new work...would you be willing to allow someone to use your work for a scene in a class? Not for a paying public since you should always get paid for your work...just curious if you've thought that far ahead....?

Joe Janes said...

Hey, Alibear - I would be totally cool with my scenes being used in classes. I would be quite flattered, in fact. The only request I have is to be informed about it. - Joe

Alibear said...

That's great to hear, Joe! Thanks. I might submit Public Hair to my teacher. I will absolutely let you know if we decide to use it. :) Thanks!