Written by Joe Janes
24 of 365
(Lights up on Richard and Gert setting up a yard sale. Gert is setting knick-knacks and such out on a folding table. Richard is pulling out a push lawn mower.)
GERTWe should have done this years ago.
RICHARDYou just never know, Gert. You might sell something and then tomorrow you go looking for it.
GERTYou really think you’re going to miss that lawn mower?
RICHARDNever know. The riding mower breaks down, we don’t have a back up, next thing you know we’re drowning in weeds.
GERTWe’ll take our chances, Richard. Now go bring that table tennis eyesore up from the basement.
RICHARDAye, aye, my sweet.
(He exits. Gert starts setting up dishes. Jeff enters.)
Still setting up, Gert?
GERTWe might just run out of yard for our yard sale, Jeff. You’re here early.
JEFFSaw the flyer down at the laundr-o-mat. Love these things. Early bird gets the (picks something up off the table) pink plastic poodle piggy bank.
GERT (confidentially)I’ll pay you to take that damn thing.
JEFFJeannie would kill me. Mind if I poke around while you’re setting up?
GERTGo right ahead.
JEFFI always like to be first to these things. Ya’ never know.
GERTOne man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
JEFFMore ways than one. Saw this one guy on Antiques Roadshow last night that bought a blanket for two bucks at a rummage sale. Turns out it was worth $5,000. For a blanket someone else was about to throw out.
JEFFSure. Happens all the time.
(Richard enters with table tennis thing.)
RICHARDOur first customer! We made a sale, yet?
JEFFSorry, Richard, not yet.
RICHARDHelp me with this, Gert.
GERT (watching Jeff)Sure thing.
(Jeff picks up a dish.)
JEFFDon’t see these too much.
JEFFWhat do they call these? A gravy boat. Is there a matching gravy ladle?
GERT (looking at Richard who shakes his head no)I don’t think there ever was one.
JEFFHow much you want for it?
GERTGee, I don’t know-
RICHARDLet me show you how this is done, Gert. (Richard takes the boat from Jeff and studies it while obviously putting on an act). Well, you know, I’d hate to let this one go, Jeff. Been in the family for generations. You could even call it an heirloom. Like the tomato. But if I had to, I suppose I could let you have for two dollars, cash.
GERT (grabbing boat)Oh, no, you don’t! Can’t you see he’s trying to take advantage of us?
GERTAsk yourself, Richard. Why would a young man like this want a gravy boat? What’s he going to do with it?
RICHARDUse it to contain his excess gravy?
JEFFActually, I was thinking it might be good for keeping loose washers and bolts in.
RICHARDCan’t believe you’re making such a fuss over two dollars.
GERTTell him, Jeff.
JEFFTell him, what?
GERTAbout Antiques Roadshow. You found treasure in our trash.
JEFFI found a gravy boat in your trash.
GERTHe’s trying to make a fortune off us.
RICHARDHow is he going to make a fortune off a two-buck gravy boat?
GERTHe buys it here for a few measly dollars, then he gets it appraised on TV and finds out its worth thousands of dollars.
JEFFThat’s ridiculous, Gert. If I were going to try to rip you off, why would I even bother telling you about Antiques Roadshow?
I don’t know, maybe you’re not very good at this.
RICHARD (sighs)Gert… Assuming Jeff is even interested in still buying it, what do you think is a fair price for this gravyless gravy boat, Gert? Sorry about this, Jeff. Ever since we scaled back on her prescription meds, she’s been kind of surly.
GERTI won’t part with this gravy boat for anything less than five hundred dollars.
RICHARDYou have flipped your lid, Gert.
JEFFFive hundred dollars. For a gravy boat at a two-bit yard sale? I wouldn’t give you five hundred dollars for this whole pile of thrift store crap you’ve dumped on your overgrown lawn.
JEFFIf this is how you are going to treat your customers, good luck selling a speck of the rest of your “treasures.” (He exits. Richard looks at Gert disappointed. She looks like she may have really screwed up. Jeff rushes back in.) I’ll give you two hundred cash.
(He hands her the cash and she hands him the boat. He leaves.)
RICHARDYou’re in charge of sales, then. I’ll keep my mouth shut. Table tennis?
(They play. Fade to Antiques Roadshow)
CLIVEWell, it looks to me that what we have here is a Lichtenstein-Graf antique gravy boat, which many people, even today, use to serve delicious gravy at the dinner table. Usually for more formal occasions, such as Thanksgiving. This particular piece has been around for generations. You could even call it an heirloom. Handcrafted. It’s nearly priceless.
CLIVENearly, but without the matching ladle, I can only place its value at two dollars.
JEFFI’ll take three.
(Clive smacks three bucks down on the table.)
CLIVEDeal. (Clive grabs the gravy boat and takes a matching ladle out of his suit coat.)
CLIVE (continuing)You’re home, baby. You’re home!
(Jeff smacks himself in the head. blackout)ZED WINS THIS WEEK
So, the Moustache-A-Thon continues. Last night, 826 hosted a preliminary meet-up and good ol' Zed won second place in the organic category. Congrats, Zed! And, yes, the prize was a bag of homemade caramel popcorn. Yum! Next week, is the final night of the competition. You can get your sponsorship dollars in by clicking HERE!