Week 11, Day 72 - “Cannibal 78”

“Cannibal 78”
Written by Joe Janes
3/31/09
72 of 365

CAST:
Ant
Ram
Rae

(Lights up on Ram and Ant sitting on rocks, eating meat on the bone. In front of them is a platter full of meat decoratively displayed with a pith helmet.)

ANT

What is that? It good. What is that?

RAM

Wasabi.

ANT (nodding)

Wasabi.

(Rae, Ram’s daughter, enters. She carries a classic child’s dolly. She walks past Ant and Ram and plops down on the ground away from them in a huff.)

ANT (continuing)

What with daughter, Rae?

RAM

She hate me.

ANT

Why she not eating?

RAM

She all of sudden vegetarian. Like her mother.

ANT

Little old for dolls.

RAM

Not doll. Tofu.

(They both watch Rae eat the doll’s arm. Ant thoughtlessly picks up a toupee from the plate of meat and is about to eat it. Ram stops him.)

RAM

No, no. That garnish.

(Ant puts it back. Blackout.)

Week 11, Day 71 - "Cauldron Fresh"

“Cauldron Fresh”
Written by Joe Janes
3/30/09
71 of 365

CAST
Mark, 30s
Heather, 30s
Zelda, 100 or so

(Lights up on health inspector Heather with a clipboard and a white glove entering a kitchen followed by Friday’s manager Mark. Zelda is busy cutting vegetables. Zelda looks like a classic hag witch except she wears a red and white striped shirt, apron and paper hat.)

MARK

As you can see, Heather, we at T.G.I. Friday’s keep the front of the house sparkling clean. You can eat off any surface out there. Floor, ceiling, walls-

HEATHER

Tables?

MARK

Let us throw a disinfected plastic-coated cloth on it first, but yes.

HEATHER

Never judge a book by its cover, Mark, I always say. The true spirit of a restaurant lies here in the kitchen.

MARK

Well, you know, we’re very protective of the ingredients we use-

(She looks around. Zelda nods at Heather; Zelda dumps the veggies into a cauldron in the center of the room.)

HEATHER

What is that?

MARK

That is Zelda, our head cook.

HEATHER (pointing)

Not that that. That.

MARK

Oh. That’s our Amana Open Flame Self-Cleaning Cauldron.

HEATHER

I see.

MARK

It’s how we get that “country flavor” we’re so famous for.

HEATHER

And the country we’re talking about is…?

MARK

11th century Scotland, mostly.

HEATHER

You really shouldn’t have an open flame like this in the middle of your kitchen. It’s dangerous.

MARK

It’s pretty safe, actually. We installed good ventilation. Cement around the base. Zelda’s fully trained and the only one who uses it. In fact, she’s are only kitchen employee.

HEATHER (looks around)

You don’t have any ovens or grills or fryers. Not even a microwave.

MARK

Don’t need it. We do all our cooking cauldron-style.

HEATHER

You make fried BBQ Pork Fingers in the cauldron?

MARK

We’re out of it, right now, but yep.

HEATHER

Salads?

MARK

Cauldron fresh.

HEATHER

Desserts?

MARK

All cauldron-based cuisine. Would you like to see how it works?

HEATHER

Indeed, I would.

MARK

Zelda, go ahead and whip up a number 38.

(Zelda scoops up a bunch of ingredients off the counter and walks over to the cauldron. The lights shift as she speaks. Thunder rolls in the background and there’s the occasional spark of lightning. Kick starting a fog machine would be good here, too.)

ZELDA

Womb of the great goddess, hear our cries,
We give you gifts of lizard tail and dragon’s eyes,
The ground up wings of bottle flies,
Strips of dried flesh from Bill O’Reilly’s thighs!
So your loins may belch upon the world…

(The lights calm and the sound and fury subside.)

…A basket of lightly seasoned fries.

(She presents the fries to Heather. She tries one.)

HEATHER

This is actually really good. May I have another?

MARK

Please do, Heather.

HEATHER

I can’t believe how crispy and flavorful they are- oh, my head…I feel dizzy…

(Mark grabs her clipboard as she faints to the floor. He writes on it.)

MARK

Another successful health inspection for Friday’s.

(Zelda grabs a butcher’s knife and approaches Heather.)

MARK

And I’ll let the servers know that BBQ Pork Fingers is back on the menu!

(Zelda brings the knife down. Blackout.)

Week 10, Day 70 - “WE REACH WITH RADIO, Part Three”

“WE REACH WITH RADIO, Part Three”
Written by Joe Janes
3/29/09
70 of 365

Cast
Joe, late teens
Nadine, mid-30s
Rob, Jr, mid-40s


(Lights up on Joe in the small control room of a tiny radio station. He is getting ready to speak on the microphone as a lush instrumental song winds down.)

JOE
That’s “Leaving On A Jet Plane” as performed by 101 Strings. I think they cheated. I only counted 98. It’s ten minutes before the hour and time for Bulletin Board. The Erie Township Volunteer Fire Department is holding their annual Christmas in July fund-raiser. Join them this Saturday for games for the kids, chicken or muskrat dinner, and candy canes… and candy canes. And how about some Hot Buttered Popcorn?

(He turns on the turntable and turns down his mic. The instrumental “Hot Buttered Popcorn” plays. Joe takes off his headphones and sits back. Nadine quickly enters and closes the door behind her. She leans against the door.)

NADINE
Don’t do it.

JOE
Do what?

NADINE
Don’t do it, Joey.

JOE
Do what, Nadine?

NADINE
Just think it over. Think it over carefully.



JOE
We’ve already picked out rings.

NADINE
Listen to me. I don’t hate it here, but I hate it here. I got married after high school. 20 years later, I’ve got an asshole husband, kids that I love but they make me feel like my feet are in cement, I work a crappy job selling radio advertising for a dime and I drink too much. Don’t you see? There are things I wanted to do.

JOE
20 years?

NADINE
I meant ten.

JOE
I love Melinda.

NADINE
She’s a doll. You’ll end up hating her guts if you don’t get out of here.

JOE
How do you know that? You can’t know that.

NADINE
I see it all around me. This town eats people’s souls. Go to college. Experience life. Del Close said he’d give you a job at Second City.

JOE
He didn’t say that. He just asked me if I wanted to get high.

NADINE
Are you going to be happy here wondering what could have happened? You can’t support a family working here. You’ll end up working at U.S Gypsum or selling real estate. You’ll be overweight and alcoholic, trying to sleep with women half your age, and in the back of your mind will be a festering rotting dream that every once in awhile gives you
a headache that wonders what would have happened. What would have happened? Could you be on Saturday Night Live, could you be making movies or on TV?

JOE

We’re picking out the rings tomorrow.

(She kisses Joe on the forehead and looks him in the eye.)

NADINE
Don’t do it.

(She exits. Joe cues up another record. Rob enters and stands quietly for a moment.)

ROB
Joe J., I meant to mention this earlier. Is that a t-shirt you’re wearing?

JOE
Oh, yeah, I saw Woody Herman play last night. He was great. I didn’t think you’d mind. It’s Woody Herman; it’s a nice t-shirt. Cost me $20, more than I’d spend on a real shirt.

ROB
Yes, well, you know we do have a dress code. We have to look professional.

JOE
Yep. You never know who might be listening.

ROB
Don’t let it happen again, Joe J.

JOE
I won’t, Rob.

(Rob gives one good affirmative nod and exits. Joe locks the door. He cues up a different record. Drags the needle across the record currently playing and starts the other one. “Dog & Butterfly” by Heart plays as the lights fade.)

Week 10, Day 69 - “77"

“77”
Written by Joe Janes
3/28/09
69 of 365

CAST:
Reggie
Lionel
Ram
Ant

(Reggie and Lionel are pith-helmet-wearing British explorers tied to a stake. Cannibals Ram and Ant tend to them. Ram is feeding Lionel big spoonfuls of meat from a pot.)

LIONEL

I say, Reggie. I didn’t expect these cannibals to be feeding me so much.

REGGIE

What is it they’re making you eat, Lionel?

LIONEL

So far, I’ve had a Turkish explorer and a Dutch missionary.

REGGIE

Must be trying to fatten you up.

ANT

No. We just got Food Network. Ram trying to make cannibal turducken. Or in this case, Turk-Dutch-man. (Ant and Ram high five)

REGGIE

And what are you going to try to make with me? Rack of Reggie?

(Ant produces a large funnel with a long hose.)

ANT

Foie Gras!

(Ant shoves the hose into Reggie’s mouth and begins spooning corn into the funnel. Reggie struggles and makes “mouth full of hose” sounds. You know the kind.)

LIONEL

Buck up, Reggie. At least you’re going out a delicacy.

(Blackout.)

Week 10, Day 68 - “The Machine Also Rises”

“The Machine Also Rises”
Written by Joe Janes
3/27/09
68 of 365

CAST:
John, teens
Reese, 30s
Terminator
Old man with rifle

(In the dark, we hear gunshots and a truck squealing to a halt. Lights up on John, winded. Reese is in a truck that has pulled up next to him. He swings open the passenger door.)

REESE

Come with me if you want to live.

(More gunshots are heard offstage.)

JOHN

Okay.

(John hops in the truck and they take off.)

JOHN (continuing)
Who are you?

REESE

My name is Reese. I’m from the future.

JOHN

The future?

REESE

That’s right. I was sent here to save your life.

JOHN

Who sent you?

REESE

You did.

JOHN

But I don’t even know you.

REESE

Future you sent me.

JOHN

But if I’m alive in the future, then I must not die. So, I’m going to be okay.

REESE

Not necessarily. They sent an assassin back in time to kill you in order to change the future.

JOHN

Why not just kill me in the future?

REESE

Well, you cause a lot of problems. You lead a whole rebellion against all the machines.

JOHN

The machines. Toasters try to oppress us?

REESE

Yeah. Okay. Let me back up. Machines take over the world. Super computers. There are a group of humans that resist. You’re our leader.

JOHN

Are we winning?

REESE

Not really.

JOHN

Then what does it matter? Why did machines send some guy back in time to kill me?

REESE

They’re just trying to be efficient. And it’s not a guy. He’s a machine, too. A terminator.

JOHN
A terminator?

REESE

Yes. He won’t stop until he’s completed his mission. He’s unstoppable.

JOHN

O-kay. If I’m such a great leader, why didn’t I send you back in time, like, oh, YESTERDAY, before this unstoppable machine guy started taking shots at me?

REESE

Uh – I don’t know. That probably would have been a good idea. You should have thought of that.

JOHN

And why now? Why not before I was born? Kill my mother or something.

REESE

They tried that. In fact, my brother is your father.

JOHN

I sent some guy back in time and he binked my mother?

REESE

Yeah. You were pissed, but also not pissed, because of he hadn’t, you wouldn’t have been born. Hey, I’m your uncle! How about that? Do you have any orders for me?

JOHN

Yeah, stay off my mother.

REESE

I’ll try. But your mom is hot.

JOHN

Stop the truck.

REESE

What?

JOHN

Stop the truck! That’s an order.

(Reese stops the truck and John steps out. Reese does, too.)

REESE

We can’t just stop. That thing is right on our tail.

JOHN

Good. He can kill me. The future sucks. Future me is an idiot. My mom’s a slut.

(An armed terminator, classic Arnold in leather jacket and sunglasses, enters.)

TERMINATOR

Are you John Connor?

JOHN

Yes. Shoot me already.

TERMINATOR

Come with me, if you want to live.

REESE

Too late, metal head. I’m already here saving his ass.

JOHN

Who sent you here to save me?

TERMINATOR

You did. About a week after you sent this man.

JOHN

Why did I do that?

TERMINATOR

He sleeps with your mom. It pisses you off.

JOHN

Don’t they have any poontang in the future?

REESE

We do, but, man, if a guy gets a chance to nail John Connor’s mom…that’s like laying history. It’s patriotic.

TERMINATOR

I agree. I plan on nailing her myself.

JOHN

But you’re a machine.

TERMINATOR

Yah. A sex machine. Would you put in a good word with your mom?

JOHN

If you’re here to save me, then who was shooting at me?

(Old Man with gun enters.)

OLD MAN

I was.

(Old Man points a rifle at John. Both Terminator and Reese fill him with bullets. Old Man drops the gun and stumbles into John’s arms. )

JOHN

You’re not a machine. Who are you?

OLD MAN

I’m you in the future.

JOHN

Why did you try to kill me?

OLD MAN

Tired…of…all…the bullshit. I used to be a lone orphan. I’ve sent so many people back in time; I now have eight brothers and some weird cyborg vacuum cleaner thing thanks to this jerk.

JOHN

Why not just kill yourself in the future?

OLD MAN

Oh. Damn. I didn’t think of that.

(He dies. Blackout.)

Week 10, Day 67 - “The End of the World”

“The End of the World”
Written by Joe Janes
3/26/09
67 of 365

CAST:
Bri, 30s
Keely, 30s

(Lights up on a missile silo control room somewhere in Kansas. Bri and Keely wear dark coveralls. The reasonably attractive Keely sits at a control panel as the reasonably unattractive Bri takes down readings from wall panels on a clipboard.)

BRI

Man. You know what I haven’t done in awhile, Keely?

KEELY

What’s that, Bri?

BRI

Go to a movie. Go out to a movie theater, sit in air-conditioned comfort, eat a bag of popcorn, sip on an ice cold coca-cola and watch a flick on the big screen.

KEELY

Guess I haven’t done that in awhile, either.

BRI

We should go. After work Friday. Maybe even sneak out of the ol’ silo early. Grab some dinner at the Chicken Shack. Hit the mall and see what’s playing. Sound like a plan?

KEELY

Sounds more like a date.

BRI

Date? Naw. You’ve been clear on that. This is just two co-workers getting away from the drudgery of baby-sitting a nuclear missile. Relaxing. Blowing off some steam. Bitchin’ about the boss.

KEELY

You’re my boss.

BRI

Just barely by rank. You can bitch about me.

KEELY

I do.

BRI

To my face.

KEELY

I do.

BRI

Then it sounds like we’d have a good time.

KEELY

Bri. No. I don’t go out with people I work with. Makes things weird.

BRI

Keely, we both got transferred here. Neither of us knows anybody. We can’t tell anybody that we’re here babysitting a nuclear missile in their backyard. Aren’t you just the least bit lonely?

KEELY

Yes, Bri. I’m lonely. But it’s just an assignment. We’ll be here a few months and then move on to something else.

BRI

Right. And we’ll regret not taking the time getting to know each other better. Not now, but, you know, down the road. You’ll look back and think, “That, Bri. Cute. Comely-

KEELY

I would never say “comely.”

BRI

Fine. But the way I fill out my coveralls will forever be etched into your mind.

KEELY

This is true.

BRI

Then let’s go out on a “sort of” date.

KEELY

What’s a “sort of” date?

BRI

Very casual and if something happens, it happens. If not, no big deal. Still just friendly co-workers.

KEELY

Nothing’s going to happen.

BRI

It might.

KEELY

It won’t.

BRI

You never know.

KEELY

I’m gay.

BRI

I can deal with that.

KEELY

It kind of takes dating completely off the table, don’t you think?

BRI

Not necessarily. I’d go gay for you.

KEELY

Doesn’t work like that.

BRI

You’re telling me flat out that there is absolutely no way under any circumstances that you would sleep with me?

KEELY

Maybe if it were the end of the world.

BRI

So there’s hope!

KEELY

I said “maybe.”

BRI

What if there’s a nuclear war? What if we fire off ol’ Bessie here and the whole planet’s just a post-apocalyptic wasteland? You’re telling me you wouldn’t have sex with me to carry on the human race?

KEELY

I don’t want to have a kid now the way things are on this planet, what makes you think nuclear holocaust is going to sweeten the deal?

BRI

Okay, then. As long as we know where we stand. But this Friday, after work, I am going to go to a crowded restaurant and eat fried chicken and then see a movie in a big room with lots of other people. Some of them inexplicably rude and loud. I’d like to not be alone when I do that.

KEELY

It’s a date.

(The lights turn red as a baritone pulsing buzzer-warning signal goes off. Bri and Keely look at the control panel stunned and then look at each other. Lights and sounds fade.)

Week 10, Day 66 - “Works Better On Children”

“Works Better On Children”
Written by Joe Janes
3/25/09
66 out of 365

CAST:
Max, 40s
Magic Beast

(Lights up on Max getting ready for bed. Next to his bed is an overflowing laundry basket. He strips down to his t-shirt, boxer/briefs and dress socks, throwing his clothes on the basket and climbs into bed. He turns off the light on his nightstand.)

MAGIC BEAST

Max…Max…

(Max turns on the light and looks around, not sure if he heard anything or not. He opens his nightstand drawer, but does not take anything out. Satisfied he didn’t hear anything, he turns the light back off.)

MAGIC BEAST

Max!

MAX

What! Who’s there? (He fires several shots in the dark.) I-I have a gun.

(He turns on the light and sees the Magic Beast lying on his floor bleeding.)

MAGIC BEAST

You shot me.

MAX

You broke in to my house – and you’re a thing.

MAGIC BEAST

I come from a magical kingdom under your bed. You are our long lost king. I came to bring you to your true home where we will bath you in oils, dress you in the finest cloth, and regale you as our rich, wise, compassionate leader.

MAX (looks under bed)

How do I get there? I don’t see anything under here but dust and, part of a sandwich under the bed. Take me to my kingdom.

MAGIC BEAST

Sure. Sure. Give me a second. (Tries to collect himself) Take my paw. I will lead you-

(The Magic Beast collapses dead.)

MAX

Fuck. Stupid monster. (Max covers the Magic Beast in old dirty clothes to hide the body.) Breaking into people’s studio apartments, telling them they’re kings. (He goes back to bed and shuts off the light.) Ever hear of knocking? Don’t they have any phones in your “magic” kingdom?

(He hears knocking. He sits up in bed holding his gun in the dark. Blackout.)

Week 10, Day 65 - “Matt Needs Your Help!”

“Matt Needs Your Help!”
Written by Joe Janes
3/24/09
65 out of 365

CAST:
MATT, 30s
KELLY 30s

(Matt walks out onto an empty stage.)

MATT

Hi. My name is Matt. Hope you are enjoying the show. I need to ask for your help on something. It might sound a little odd. But it’s really important to me. My life, the quality of my life, really depends on it. I went to Disneyworld during Christmas of 1996. I went on some rides. I went on the Riverboat Ride in the Magic Kingdom. While I was on this ride, I saw a girl standing on the front of the boat on the main deck. I could not decide whether or not to ask her out. After 20 minutes, I decided not to. I now severely regret it. Severely. The rest of the cast knows how much this has been eating away at me over the years and they graciously allow me to speak to our audiences every show. Please help! I have also posted on my blog, on Craig’s List, all over the Internet. Even did flyers for awhile.

It appeared that the girl was with her parents. Assuming that it was her parents, the mother was in a blue wheelchair scooter. Her dad, if it was her dad, was fine, perfectly mobile. He wore a plain white sun visor. The parents were also on the front of the boat. (Takes a deep breath) I would like to try and locate this girl.

I drew a picture of her. (He takes it out of his back pocket and shows the audience) I added the shooting stars, rainbows and cherubs.

I have the following information on her:

* She was about 24 years of age at the time
* Caucasian, wore sunglasses
* About 5'5 or 5'6
* Hair was mostly black
* She was slim, about 120 pounds or so
* She was on the Riverboat Ride in the Magic Kingdom on December 26, 1996 at about 11am give or take a 1/2-hour
* She was on the front of the boat on the main deck
* She was with a handicapped woman in a wheelchair scooter, probably her mother, and a man in a white sun visor
* She was wearing shorts but they could not be seen because she was also wearing a black garment around her waist that covered said shorts
* She wore thongs on both her feet
* She might have 2 rings on her right hand, I cannot remember

And did I mention how time stood still and I could hear my heartbeat when I saw her? She might just be the love of my life. That once in a lifetime…thing.

I had a golden opportunity to meet this girl but I let it slip away like an idiot. This girl could be anywhere in the country. I have a feeling that she lives in Florida or somewhere in the Southeast. I don't know how this girl would have responded. It is not knowing the real truth that is bothering me.

My romantic life has been in complete limbo since I saw this vision of goddessness. I haven’t been able to commit to anyone because I always wonder…what if? What if I meet her, again? What if I someday I get my second chance?

If you have friends, family or relatives that were in Disney World in Florida on December 26, 1996 with a handicapped woman in a wheelchair scooter and a man in a white sun visor, please check with them on this.

Anyone here affiliated with a television station, radio station or news organization please broadcast or publish my plea. I want to get this out across the country. An Amber alert for my heart.

I am upset at myself for not speaking to this woman when I had the chance. Please tell your friends, and co-workers. If you think you have a lead or you know of someone who can help, please contact me-

KELLY (from audience)

Excuse me…excuse me…

MATT

Yes?

KELLY

I think that was me.

MATT

What? Are you serious? Could we bring the houselights up? (Houselights come up and Matt enters the house) NO, I don’t think so.

KELLY

I was at Disney World on December 26, 1996. I rode the boat ride. It’s the only time I’ve ever been to Disney World.

MATT

No, I don’t think so. This girl was much younger.

KELLY

It was 1996.

MATT

I’m just not seeing it.

KELLY

I even carry a picture of it. It was the last family vacation I ever took with my parents. (She shows Matt the picture)

MATT

How did you get this?

KELLY

It’s mine. That’s me with my mom and dad and Cinderella.

MATT

If that’s true, then where’s the handicapped woman, now?

KELLY

She’s dead.

MATT

This girl’s woman was very much alive.

KELLY

Not really, my mom was terminally ill then. That’s why she was in the scooter. Once more, I remember seeing you. I do. You were afraid of getting wet on the boat ride so you were wearing a yellow plastic Mickey Mouse poncho. And you were wearing a fanny pack over the poncho. And you were alone. You went to Disney World alone?

MATT

Uh, lots of people do. Happiest place on earth don’t care if you brought anyone. Oh my God, it’s you! It really is you! Wow! I never thought I would see you, again.

KELLY

My name’s Kelly.

MATT

I’m Matt.

KELLY

I know.

(Long awkward pause)

KELLY

So, you want to meet up after your show?

MATT

Gee, I would, but I have to work in the morning. (Yawns) You know how it is.

KELLY

Sure.

MATT

Well, hey, it was nice meeting you.

KELLY

Yeah.

MATT

Enjoy the rest of the show.

KELLY

Right. I’m sure I will.

(Matt gets back on stage; signals to the tech booth to bring houselights back down. He nods to himself a few times. And walks off. Blackout.)

Week 10, Day 64 - "A Good Man"

“A Good Man”
Written by Joe Janes
64 out of 365

CAST:
Rev. Van Winkle, 40s
Randy, 70s
Estelle, 60s
Gene, 40s
Garvin T. Jones, 20s
Carmela, 20s
Widow Bonnie Cutcher, 80s

(Lights up on a memorial service. Widow Cutcher sits off to the side being comforted by the friendly and sincere Rev. Van Winkle. The reverend gets up and stands before the coffin of Harper Roscoe Cutcher.)

REV. VAN WINKLE

Thank you, everyone, for coming to this solemn occasion as we prepare to lay to rest one of our Lord’s finest servants, Harper Roscoe Cutcher. Harper passed away last weekend from natural causes at the nursing home surrounded by loved ones. With Mrs. Cutcher’s permission, we’d like to open up the floor to anyone who would like to say a few words on her husband’s behalf.

(Randy comes up from the audience. The reverend returns to Widow Cutcher’s side.)

RANDY

Thank you, Rev. Van Winkle. My deepest condolences, Bonnie. Hi. I’m Randy. Harper’s little brother. Feels strange to say that at my age, but it’s true. Harper was and will always be my big brother. After daddy left to work on the canal and never came back, Harper took it upon himself to make sure I got raised right. He helped me with my homework, rode me hard to keep my grades up, kept on me to get my chores done, and when it came to the ladies, well, he was always there to give me a firm guiding hand. Taught me everything I needed to know about how to hold and kiss a woman. Without his tutelage, I might never have met Laxana from the Ukraine who’ll be arriving here Saturday. I’m
sorry my brother, who would have been my best man, won’t get to meet her in person. But I’m sure he’s peering down on us from behind a cloud somewhere. Harp was the shining example of brotherly love and was never afraid to show his affection toward me. From mussing’ up my hair to long, steady rhythmic hugs from behind. I love you Harp and I will miss you dearly.

(He exits, passing by the widow on his way and giving her condolences. Estelle comes up.)

ESTELLE

Hello. My name is Estelle and I worked for Harper Cutcher at his hardware store, Cutcher’s Hardware, up until his retirement just a few years ago. Mr. Cutcher was always a hardworking man who also kept those around him working even harder. The hardware store was his life. Mr. Cutcher, I guess, is what you would call a workaholic. Aside from my secretarial duties, it was my job to follow him around with a small plastic bag to collect his excrement. And sometimes urine. He never had time to use a proper bathroom. The hardware business is always “go, go, go, go, go!” he used to say. I would then put the waste into Tupperware containers, label them by time and date, and place them in a walk-in cold storage unit. It is my understanding that Mr. Cutcher has willed that storage facility to me. (Tearing up) He was always ever so thoughtful. I look forward to spending time there, just sitting and reminiscing about this one or that one. I’ll miss you Mr. Cutcher.

(She exits, stopping a moment to give her condolences to the widow as Gene enters.)

GENE (looks at coffin, then turns to everyone)

Harper was such a good man. Always willing to help out a friend. I lost my job and didn’t know how I was going to put food on the table, let alone get my kids through school and on to college. When I was down on my luck, Harper said, “Gene, what you need to do is go into business for yourself. Cut out the middleman” He donated the equipment I needed to start my own crystal meth lab. And whenever business was slow, he’d buy some, even though he was more a crack-cocaine kind of guy. Thanks, Harper. Thanks to you, I have a growing business. And my kids are also some of my best clients. I don’t have to worry about paying for
college tuition, because they dropped out of high school. They no longer have any ambition other than to blow someone for money to pay to get stoned. You helped out there, too, Harper. God bless you. You were a good man. (To the widow, tearfully) He was a good man.

(Gene exits, Garvin dressed in a purple suit with matching fedora and a cane walks up.)

GARVIN T. JONES

You all know me. Garvin T. Jones. Harper Roscoe Cutcher was one of my best clients. On a slow day, you could always count on Harper to take care of my bitches. Sometimes taking three or four of them to the motel out on route six. He didn’t need but one or two. The others would end up just posing, getting ice, cheering him on, or sometimes they would restrain him. He knew some of these bitches needed the money for drugs or for eating food and never wanted to see anyone go wantin’. And he appreciated all the hard work I put in, arranging meetings and transportation, counting money, getting’ carpel tunnel from smacking my bitches when they disrespect me. Sometimes he would tip. “And here’s a little something extra for Garvin T. Jones.” Even though he knowed I was already getting a 90% cut. The man had class gushing like a geyser out of that wrinkly old butt. It heartens me to know that some of that class is in cold storage somewheres. Helps give a guy like me a sense of diggity. I brought along with me Carmela. Come on up here, Carmela. (Carmela, the skankiest of ho’s, comes up and starts to hang on Garvin.) To show how much I loved this man, I am going to have Carmela, his favorite ho and youngest daughter; ride in the hearse on the way to the cemetery tomorrow. She gonna give Harper one last thing to remember about his time on this dirt before he goes off to the great wherever.

(Garvin and Carmela approach Widow Cutcher and both make out with her. Rev. Van Winkle comes back up.)

REV. VAN WINKLE

Well, there you have it. Harper Roscoe Cutcher. An inspiration, a leader, a man beloved by oh so many. Punch, cookies and crystal meth will now be served in the other room.

(Lights fade.)

Week Nine, Day 63- “WE REACH WITH RADIO, Part Two”

“WE REACH WITH RADIO, Part Two”
Written by Joe Janes
3/22/09
63 of 365

CAST:
Joe, late teens
Joe C., early 20’s

(Joe is sitting in the small booth of a small town radio station making notes on a clipboard. Some nondescript easy listening instrumental plays in the background. Not quite Muzak, but not far from it. Joe Chapman, a slightly overweight mans, enters with copy for some commercials. He’s wearing a loose wide tie and a shirt that’s coming untucked. Even though he’s wearing a shirt and tie, he looks frumpy.)

JOE C.

I’ve got some new copy for the tags and live spots. Can you hand me the book, Joe?

(Joe hands him the copybook, a three-ring binder above the microphone and looks over Joe C.’s shoulder.)

JOE

“Uhlman’s Department store is now open till 7pm on Fridays.” This is what you do, isn’t it, Joe?

JOE C.

What do you mean?

JOE

Write the copy for all the commercials and stuff.

JOE C.

Yep, that’s what I do.

JOE

Randy said you were only 20. That you guys went to a bar and they wouldn’t serve you.

JOE C.

Randy C. said that?

JOE J.

Randy H.

JOE C.

Oh, yeah. At the Elks Lodge. It happens. Yeah, I’m only 20.

JOE

You look older.

JOE C.

I know. That’s why I try to drink in bars. I usually get away with it. I heard you got busted the other night at Ivan’s?

JOE

Yeah, well…

JOE C.

You shouldn’t order whiskey sours. That’s a dead giveaway.

JOE

I like the fruit. It’s like you get booze and a snack.

JOE C.

Order stuff like martinis or manhattans. Or you know what usually works, a rusty nail. Only old people order rusty nails.

JOE

I’ll keep that in mind. So, is this your first job out of college?

JOE C.

I didn’t go to college. My last job was playing Mr. Beefy outside of Mr. Beefy restaurants. Passing out coupons. Ever heard of them?

JOE

No.

JOE C.

I guess they’re just in Columbus. I used to wear a cow costume and pass out coupons. I was popular.

JOE

I can see that. (Joe cues up a record on the turntable) How did you get from Mr. Beefy to this?

JOE C.

My cousin knows Rob, Jr. and recommended me. Plus, I’m cheap. They pay me crap. I’ll work here a couple of years, get some experience, then try to land a job in a bigger market, like Elmore.

JOE

That’s thinking big. (Joe C. nods) Sounds like a good plan.

JOE C.

Yeah. No way I could work here all my life. Like Mike M.

JOE

It’s just Mike.

JOE C.

What?

JOE

He’s the only Mike that works here. It’s just Mike.

JOE C.

Oh, right. Oh, the East Perry Parts spot, the carburetor sale tag is still good, just change the date on it to next Friday.

JOE

“East Perry Parts, Incorporated…East Perry Parts, Incorporated…” That’s good writing.

JOE C.

Thanks.

(He exits. Joe intros the next song.)

JOE

Good news, Vacationland. We just got Steve and Edie’s greatest hits in and here’s (doesn’t remember which song he cued up)… one of them.

(Steve and Edie’s version of “Hallelujah” plays as Joe sits looking depressed. Lights fade.)

Week Nine, Day 62- "Blogger"

“Blogger”
Written by Joe Janes
3/21/09
62 out 365

CAST:
David, 30s
Kelli, 20s
Merri, 20s
Bradli, 40s

(Lights up on David at his desk at work typing away at his keyboard. He has a bandage on his right thumb. At the desk next to him is Kelli, also at work. Merri enters carrying a few files.)

KELLI

Hey, David. I forgot to ask. How was your weekend?

DAVID (slightly exasperated)

Uh, read my blog, Kelli.

KELLI

O-kay.

MERRI

Here are those files, David. Hey, what happened to your thumb?

DAVID (slightly more exasperated)

Uh, read my blog, Merri. It’s all there. Go to a-giant-among-men-dot-blogspot-dot-com. Sheesh!

(Kelli and Merri exchange puzzled looks. Bradli enters.)

BRADLI

Hey, David. Guess what?

DAVID (very exasperated)

If you read my blog, Bradli, you’d know I don’t like guessing games.

BRADLI

I read your blog. Especially all the parts about how everyone you work with is an intellectually retarded incompetent asshole with turnip mush for brains. Clean out your desk. You’re fired.

DAVID (excited)

You read my blog?

(Blackout)

Week Nine, Day 61- "CoffinMax"

“CoffinMax”
Written by Joe Janes
3/20/09
61 of 365

CAST:
Dracula, immortal
Jill, 20s
Steve, 20s

(Lights up on a man in tuxedo and cape dragging a coffin across the stage. He plops it down in front of Jill, a young woman in khakis and a polo shirt.)

DRACULA

Good evening.

JILL

Welcome to CoffinMax.

DRACULA

How much will you give me for this casket?

JILL

We’ll have one of our experts check it out. (Steve, also in khakis and polo, comes out with a clipboard and begins inspecting the coffin.) Are you interested in getting a new one?

DRACULA

I am. I would like something a little sportier.

JILL

We have something right over here, I think you’ll like. Bronze. Waterproof. Good in all types of weather and all types of soil. Adjustable bed and mattress-

DRACULA

Adjustable? Oh, that’s good. That one was murder on my back.

JILL

Cherry finish, automatic locks, stereo…

DRACULA

Will it play my subliminal audiocassettes? I’m trying to lose weight.

JILL

Cassettes and CDs. It’s heated.

DRACULA

Really? Heated. This cape is just for show. I can never get them warm enough on those cold winter days. Especially my toes.

JILL

This ought to do it. You can direct the heat right at y our feet.

DRACULA

I can finally get rid of that ratty old afghan.

JILL

It also has an alarm and OnStar. It will call the police if someone tries to break in.

DRACULA

Suck on that, Van Helsing.

JILL

And it’s gently used. Previous owner only had it for a month.

DRACULA

Seems too good to be true. What happened to the previous owner? (Holds out his hand like he might hypnotize her) Be honest.

JILL

Voodoo curse. Turned into a zombie. Just didn’t need it anymore.

DRACULA

I’ll take it.

JILL

And we’ll deduct the value of your trade-in. (Steve hands him a check.)

DRACULA

What the hell?

STEVE

It’s really old.

DRACULA

It’s really antique.

STEVE

The wood was warped. Chipped in some places. Looks like someone tried to pry it open with a crow bar at some time. And it had dirt in it.

DRACULA

Soil from my homeland, asshole. It will come out with a dustbuster.

STEVE

It’s the best we can do.

DRACULA

Screw this!

(Dracula snaps Steve’s neck. He goes after Jill who breaks out a crucifix on him. He recoils.)

JILL

Take your piece of junk and go. (Dracula curses in Romanian and drags his coffin offstage.) CoffinMax – The way coffin buying ought to be. Sans vampires.

(Blackout.)